Today we’re going to play…”Come up with a set-up to the duck joke!”
Here’s my offering:
A duck walks into a bar, sits down and says, “Man, I’ve had a really rough week, Gimme something to take the edge off.” The bartender brings him a beer.
The duck says “No, I don’t like beer. What else you got?” The bartender brings him a glass of wine.
The duck says “No, I don’t care for wine either. Maybe some of the hard stuff? I really want to get wasted.” The bartender brings him a mixed drink. The duck declines this also. This goes on for some time…eventually the bartender makes every drink he ever learned in bartending school, and has poured every shot the bar has to offer, yet the duck has turned up his bill at everything. Exasperated, the bartender tells the duck “Look, buddy, I’ve given you every choice we have in the bar! If you want to get hammered, I dunno what else I have that we can offer you…”
Insert Riya’s punchline here.
OK, not that funny, but I work with what I’m given. Anyone else wanna take a crack at this?
I actually know this joke…or a version of it..sadly, a british friend told it to me.
A rabbit (duck) walks into a greengrocer (vegetable store) and pounds on the counter and says “Pound of carrots please.” So the green grocer looks at him sternly, wraps up the carrots and out he goes.
The next day the same rabbit walks into the same greengrocer and pounds on the counter and says “Pound of carrots please.” The greengrocer growing irate with the pounding on the table gives him a sterner look, wraps up the carrots, and off the rabbit goes.
The next day the same rabbit walks into the same greengrocers and starts his little schtick, but before he does the greengrocer goes “IF YOU POUND ON MY COUNTER ONE MORE TIME, I WILL NAIL YOUR PAWS TO THE COUNTER!” The rabbit sheepishly looks at the greengrocer and asks “Pound of nails please.” The greengrocer goes “This is a greengrocer, we don’t have any naild.” SO the rabbit pounds on counter again and asks “Pound of carrots please.”
In real life, british people aren’t funny like they are on TV.
Comment by Marty — August 17, 2006 @ 2:17 pm
So this duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Man, do I have an amazing talent act. I’m telling you, it could fill Broadway for months!” The bartender says, “Sounds interesting. What’s the act?” And the duck begins…
“So this is a family act, involving my farmer, his wife, and their two kids. The father comes out on stage and kicks things off by whipping out his dick and jerking off while singing a solo rendition of ‘Row, row row your boat, gently down the stream…’. Keep in mind, he’s been celibate for months so that he can pull of a Gallagher-like explosion on the first few rows of the audience. When he finishes, his wife and kids join him on the stage. His wife sucks his shaft to get him ready for more, while his children each go to work on one of his balls. After a few minutes of this, when he’s finally ready, the wife strips and bends over so he can start fuckin’ her from behind. While he’s doing this, the children take out some fingerpaints and draw their impressions of what’s going on. These are, of course, available for sale after the show.
“So eventually the wife turns around, gives him some head, then turns around and takes it up the ass. Every minute for the next 10 minutes, she turns around, gives him some head, and switches between getting fucked up the cunt or the ass. After the ten minutes, the father will yell, ‘Dinner’s served!’ and will shoot his wad into a large glass, which the kids will then drink through those crazy straws that bend all over the place. Then the wife will take say, ‘Don’t forget dessert!!’, take a shit on stage, and the kids will eat that with sporks.
“Then they’ll all take a bow, and after the bow, the mother and kids will beat the living shit out of the father and leave him for dead on stage.”
“Holy crap!”, says the bartender, “That’s nuts! What do you call a show like that??”
The duck replies, “I call it the Aristocrats. I’ve even printed up a bunch of flyers with a great close-up of the fathers cock. I’m gonna go post them around town. Got any nails?”
To which the bartender replies, “No!”
Comment by Ian — August 17, 2006 @ 2:28 pm
So this is the real Gil Thorpe strip? I have to say, your commentary is just as funny as your Football Outsider’s versions, although I haven’t a clue what is going on.
Comment by Scott de B. — August 17, 2006 @ 6:26 pm
OK, so I’m really impressed with you guys…Marty (Mr. Moon is that you?) I can’t believe that this was based on a real joke, though I’m not surprised it’s a lame one.
Ian, I absolutely love the Aristocrats joke! Way better than my crappy joke. Guess this proves I don’t have a profanity filter on this thing ’cause I didn’t even have to approve that comment…
Comment by jasbeattie — August 17, 2006 @ 6:53 pm
Ian way to turn me on!!!
Comment by Josi — September 14, 2008 @ 3:49 pm