(Dateline – Milford, USA) It seems there’s no more privacy to protect. This newspaper has gotten the scoop that local mulleted high school baseball star Elmer Vargas is actually an illegal Mexican immigrant! (Admittedly, we were the last in town to figuring out, as both of our reporters have been busy covering the “kid in tree” story for the last six months, but better late than never, right?)
We spoke with Gil Thorp, man-about town, raconteur, and occasional coach at Milford High to get his take: “Elmer WHO?” said Thorp “Oh wait…that Mexican kid? Yeah, I was surprised I heard about this before you guys. My wife suspended him from the softball team for a month, even though I’m pretty sure he’s on my team not hers. But I’m hoping to at least get a couple late-round draft picks for him when he’s sent down to Tijuana.”
Amanda Huginkiss, a home-ec teacher famous for carrying her giant jug of Kool-Aid around the Teacher’s Dojo, worries that when Goshen fans learn of Elmer’s status, they will all race off to PACO’S DISCOUNT MEXICAN SUPPLY WAREHOUSE Y EMPORIUM, stock up on ponchos and hats and relentlessly taunt Elmer throughout this afternoon’s game. “I mean, remember poor Ted Pearse? When people learned he was secretly a smelly homeless kid, those fans from North Bend went crazy and dressed up like hobos!”
We don’t remember that…but give us a break, there’s only two of us on staff for God’s sake. But stay tuned to our website, local xenophobe Andrew Gregory has promised some great video of the Goshen crowd being a bunch of racist freaks.
It would appear that Marty dyes his hair blonde to work at the paper during the day. Certainly explains what he’s up to when he’s not announcing the game, drinking in his car or getting hussled by Ben Franklin impersonators.
Comment by Tweeks_Coffee — June 19, 2008 @ 9:07 am
Aside from the obvious implausibility of the Goshen fans reading the Milford (!) newspaper and, within a few hours, running out to buy cut-rate mariachi-band Halloween costumes, I have another question. On what planet do high school baseball games attract huge crowds of rambunctious fans? What kind of hellhole is Goshen, exactly, that everybody in town has nothing better to do than show up for an afternoon high school ballgame? On a weekday? Does anyone in Goshen have a frickin’ job?
Comment by johnw — June 19, 2008 @ 9:12 am
I wanted to do a write-up of this strip today but you did much better then I could have in haiku form today. And the whole bum thing? Apparently these towns are located in the state of Politically Incorrect, USA
Comment by Bryce — June 19, 2008 @ 9:28 am
I’d forgotten how wonderful the hair was during that bum storyline. As sourbelly pointed out yesterday, there’s been a distinct lack of amazing hair in the Wig-Ham era.
(Get it? WIG-ham? Ahahahahahahaha…Okay, I’ll stop.)
Comment by Lomion — June 19, 2008 @ 9:53 am
Best. Third. Panel. EVER.
Comment by Paul Rodgers — June 19, 2008 @ 10:01 am
I think that sign says “Teachers Do It With Class.” Man, those bumper stickers always used to freak me out.
Comment by laura — June 19, 2008 @ 10:04 am
I think we need to officially declare the 3rd panel as the best “Make fun of illegal imigrants who play sports” panel in the history of comic strips.
Comment by Richard — June 19, 2008 @ 10:05 am
What is that “thing” in the background of panel two? It looks like Jabba the Hut’s aunt.
Comment by martin — June 19, 2008 @ 10:09 am
Holy crap. With that third panel, this story took a turn for the awesome. Stellar job gaining sympathy for Elmer’s plight, Milford Star!
Best part, this is a plot straight out of the WWE, like when the heel puts on a sombero to mock the Latino wrestler. See: Brock Lesnar vs. Eddie Guerrero, JBL vs. Eddie Guerrero/Rey Mysterio.
Comment by El Santo — June 19, 2008 @ 10:23 am
Mmmm…teachers-donuts.
Comment by Richard — June 19, 2008 @ 10:27 am
That’s the Teachers Dorm…they must live there (and, like at the Milford Star, they put the sign on the inside). Gil and Mimi (or their robot likenesses) stop by to read the paper at the Dorm since they don’t subscribe at home.
I wonder if anybody in Goshen brought a burro to the game.
Comment by Ned Ryerson — June 19, 2008 @ 10:38 am
Ah, it’s just a repeat of when the fans dressed up as bums to taunt the homeless kid. But with sombreros.
Comment by Mac Thomason — June 19, 2008 @ 10:46 am
Is Amanda Hugginkiss carrying that jug of Kool-Aid? I don’t see a famous Milford Flipper-Hand; it looks like it’s levitating. Awesome trick – why didn’t I learn that in home ec?!
The sign over the door says, “Teachers – Do not taunt the ballplayers. Some of them wield large sticks covered in rough bark. Just a reminder!” (Yes, the sign does go all the way around the room.)
Comment by jules — June 19, 2008 @ 11:07 am
The irony of this strip is that the Goshen, Indiana (one of the potential “inspirations” for the fictional rival of Milford) has developed a rather large Hispanic (mostly Mexican) population, probably quite a bit of it illegal. Showing up for a baseball game like that might invite a visit later from a few gang bangers that wouldn’t appreciate your point of view.
Comment by The Big B — June 19, 2008 @ 11:09 am
Typical of Goshen. They are a bunch of racists against hope, change, and Elmer.
I am glad to see that they finally have located Michael Moon, the unknown blond twin of Marty. He has finally been revealed, and we no longer have to wonder what happened to Marty’s family.
When will we find out that Brandon is really a guy?
Comment by Kevin — June 19, 2008 @ 11:11 am
Why, those Goshen meanies! That’s what their team should be called–The Goshen Meanies! And their mascot should be a Big Meanie! Or, maybe, that maraca player with the arm coming out of his neck.
Comment by sourbelly — June 19, 2008 @ 11:15 am
One of those damned wetbacks done stole neck-boy’s sombrero!
Comment by Gil'sBarber — June 19, 2008 @ 11:36 am
Gorshen needs a visit from former Chicago Cubs manager Lee Elia.
Comment by Kevin — June 19, 2008 @ 12:26 pm
Frank Gorshin was The Riddler. Leave the guy alone.
Comment by sir douglas — June 19, 2008 @ 1:32 pm
I love that Lou Grant has the journalistic integrity of the National Enquirer. He talks about “There’s no privacy to protect” like he’s talking about Britney Spears.
Comment by Regina — June 19, 2008 @ 1:52 pm
The irony of this strip is that the Goshen, Indiana (one of the potential “inspirations” for the fictional rival of Milford) has developed a rather large Hispanic (mostly Mexican) population, probably quite a bit of it illegal. Showing up for a baseball game like that might invite a visit later from a few gang bangers that wouldn’t appreciate your point of view.
Ironically, no one in Goshen actually read the Milford Star article and the ones in the picture are actual Goshen Latinos, showing some ethnic pride.
Comment by El Santo — June 19, 2008 @ 5:32 pm
Y’ever see a newspaper like that? It looks like a book, for Petes sake.
Comment by RobM — June 19, 2008 @ 7:17 pm
Re 14:
Yeah, I’m from the area and I found that funny too.
From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goshen,_Indiana:
The racial makeup of the city was 83.15% White, 1.53% Black or African American, 0.26% Native American, 1.10% Asian, 0.02% Pacific Islander, 12.00% from other races, and 1.94% from two or more races. 19.33% of the population were Hispanic or Latino of any race.
That makes Goshen stand out just a tad in whitebread Indiana.
Comment by mactbone — June 20, 2008 @ 3:21 am