For the love of God, punch him like a drunken lout!

Wow, I thought nobody in Milford could be a worse prankster than Shemp Dumbo, but The Idiot formerly known as Curley-Horse goes and tops him for lameness. Sure, I can see he’s trying to emulate the old Curly Neal bucket-of-confetti-instead-of-water trick, but the way he does it makes no sense at all…The whole point is to build up anticipation in front of an audience, that’s what makes the gag work. But Andrew starts dumping it on Shemp-bo WHEN HE’S NOT EVEN LOOKING. What a moron.

Fortunately we have the redeeming side effect that he’s pissed off Kaz. And you don’t want to piss off Kaz. Becasue after he’s done waving that freak finger, he’s going to PUNCH YOU IN THE GODDAMN FACE.

Snakes, Scorpions and Swine Flu, Oh My!

5/27/09

5/28/09

The rubber trouser snake makes Andrew’s ear explode AGAIN (then again everything makes his ear explode, so no big deal.) However will he make Shrumbo look stupid? Well really, he doesn’t need to do anything. But I’m hopeful Andrew’s idea of a prank doesn’t come from 1953, like all of Dumpo’s do. I’m keeping my fingers crossed he’s about to pour a bucket of rabid* scorpions infected with swine flu** onto Shum-Dumbo’s head.

*Yep, scorpions can be rabid. If you don’t believe me, I’ll update Wikipedia to prove it.

**Remember when we were all going to die of swine flu? Ah, the memories.

The De-Pantsing.

5/25/09

5/26/09

Who could have predicted that this story would devolve into Prank-Fest ’09 (broadcast Worldwide on the Intertubes!)?

You might have thought it hard to top the phrase “Atomic linement shake-and-bake”, but then BAM, Tuesday hits us with the de-pantsing of the Blake Fowler Experience! Everyone but Bill Narkins is amused…(Oh how he wished those had been his pants taken off in public. He even wore his Captain Marvel Underoos today.)

And apparently the chimp asleep at the Chicago Tribune Thorp site thought today was Wednesday, so if you want a preview, check out the impressive-sized lockerroom snake to come. But we can talk about that later I guess..Today is all about Blaine’s ability to keep his shirt snugly tucked into his boxers. Way to go BFE!

Sh*t, we forgot to practice.

5/22/09

…and so plot 67J is quickly resolved!  On to disturbing side-plot mystery 67K: Why does Gil keep the picture of Dump Shrembo open on his computer when he’s not even there? I guess we can hope that he’s just too dumb to figure out how to close or navigate away from that browser window. But even so, why did he move his dildo baseball trophy so conveniently next to his computer?

5/23/09

“Way to admit you didn’t see me drink, Narkins!”
“Sorry, Shinbone, I couldn’t lie! I wanted to say I saw you drinking…Too bad I couldn’t, and all I could admit to was that I heard you were ‘fooling around’ with liquor bottles, which admittedly sounds much more disgusting than it really was.”
“Well thanks to whatever you told the coach, (which now that I think about it, is much less damning than the photo itself), I’m suspended. Watch out! I’m  gonna come up with a fresh new way to seek revenge!”
“How did you manage to insert parentheses in your dialogue?”
“Shut up! (Narkins!)”

Later:

“Hey Old Robbb! Know of any fresh new ways  to seek revenge?”
“Yeah, in this movie that came out when I was a freshman, the nerds put Liquid Heat in the jock straps of all the football players. Since you enjoy the internet, you can watch it here, if you want!”
“Well only if I have a Hulu account, but sure that looks great! A movie prank from 25 years ago is way fresher than my ‘loosen the salt shaker’ gag…”
“Yeah, it’s so fresh, idiot bloggers have even been referencing that movie recently for no apparent reason. Have fun with your prank. I’m off to my AARP meeting.”

The best hearing Narc in all of Milford

“So, Narc…don’t narc on us.”
“Um, OK.”

Later…
“So Narc, what did you see?”
“Nothing, Coach. I want to be a great Narc, but I was too much of a pansy to go downstairs when I heard rowdiness occurring.”
“Can you describe the rowdiness, Narc?”
“Sure Coach. It sounded like teenagers opening a liquor cabinet and ‘fooling around’ with the liquor bottles.”
“Fooling around?”
“Uh, yeah. So like waving them around I guess. And taking pictures to post on their Facebook accounts.”
“You heard all that? Did you hear drinking?”
“Yeah, but I couldn’t tell whether it was alcohol being drunk, or tasty Generic Cola. Sorry.”
“What kind of narc are you? Can you at least tell me if they were fooling around with top-shelf booze? I need to know if I should make a visit to the Corman household.”
“Well, I did hear Vedka Vodka being fooled around with.”
“Don’t you mean Svedka?”
“No Vedka! From the makers of Nutboys, it’s shitty vodka! It tastes like gasoline…or so I’ve heard.”
“Eh, good enough for me. Time to make another patented Gil house call! Thanks for ratting out your friends, Narc.”
“Don’t worry, I don’t have any friends.”

And now, another episode of “That’s Not How it Works!”

5/19/09

5/20/09

And so “Gil joins Facebook and discovers incriminating photos of his players” becomes plot 67J of the spring season. Looks like Neal has gone for the “throw enough crap on the wall” approach to storytelling again…The problem with such a tactic is that even if something sticks, your wall still smells an awful lot like crap.

If only Neal had done several seconds of research, he would have realized that Gil can’t just “surf Facebook” looking for sexy pictures of high school students. He’d have to creepily have Shemp Dumbo accept his friend request before he could view all those hideous scar-faced Elmer wanna-be pics… Perhaps you were thinking of MySpace, Neal? Besides, Gil already has a Facebook page…(and so does TWIM, for that matter.)

Today’s wacky art question: Why does Kaz have a horn sprouting from his head?

Today’s panel worthy of discussion: The third panel, featuring what seems to be the flowing mullet of the Blaine Fowler Experience, as well as some pelvic-thrusting Kaz action. Good times!

Asterickal Pseudo-Humor

5/15/09

5/16/09

5/18/09

At Cassie Corman’s Party…some non-Cola-related rowdiness occurs downstairs*, forcing super-lame Bill Hawkins to call it a night. Molly is the last to get the memo that her boyfriend is a tool…but does it matter? Speaking of tool, Gil decides to join Bookface or Faceplate or whatever it’s called. What wacky thing will happen next?

*From the looks of it, an Elmer Vargas look-alike contest!

**Wait, there’s no second asterisk! But if you’re still reading, please accept this blogger’s apology for the infrequency and inquality*** of his posts lately. Sometimes after nearly three years of snarkage, one’s snarkability*** needs to take a crappatical****. So now’s the time when YOUR comments can shine, since mine are currently mediocre at best…

***Yes, sure these are real words…why not?

****It’s like a crappy sabbatical. I’ll still update the blog, just not do a very good job for a little while. Deal?

The Blaine Fowler Experience rolls with the party hair!

5/13/09

5/14/09

The most shocking turn of events is not that Robbbbbb is getting Wally Pipped out of his position, or even that the Blaine Fowler experience has the most awesome  looking mullet I can recall in recent Milford history. No, the most shocking event today is that GIL SHOWED UP TO  PRACTICE! What the HELL? Maybe he wanted to get a good look at that mullet of the ages.