Uppance Coming…Later?

11/29/10

Another episode of Awkward Hand Pose Theater is sadly pre-empted by Kaz, right before the much anticipated Jam-Jar beat-down. And it’s not even a good interruption…If he came in with an “Ease up!”, we’d be waiting for something interesting to happen.

Alas, since there are way too many witnesses, Kaz can’t snap Jammy’s neck without receiving a stiff fine from the Valley Conference. So he has to pretend to threaten everyone involved, including “generic guy who looks like every other guy” guy.

11/30/10

And in case you forgot why you loathe him (which I’m sure you didn’t), Jam-Jar gets the  final obnoxious word in after Kaz reluctantly saves his hide. Since both the game and comic are a snooze,  why not brainstorm the most painful comeuppance you can imagine for li’l Jammy? Because clearly what the strip’s author can imagine just won’t cut it.

Penta-post-alooza!

11/23/10

Gil tries a new tactic for his pre-game speech:  using a random word generator. It works as well as his normal speeches do…which is to say, not at all. On the plus side, with an “M”  on all the players’ helmets, Gil is still convinced his team won.

11/24/10

Gil tries a new tactic for his post-game speech: Showing up and saying something to the players, instead of hiding under the bleachers until everyone just leaves in shame.

But come Monday…The team is still distracted, mostly by that trick #7 does: Dislocating his spine while haphazardly flinging the ball in the air.

11/25/10

Gil tries a new post-practice tactic: Hustling somewhere like he cares. I suppose when your dealer is MIA and your stash is getting low, you gotta postpone your daily stagger to the local pub.

He receives good news(?) for his efforts: Cody isn’t at the Morgan household! After enjoying a steaming cup of Mrs. Morgan’s famous liquid Sloppy Joes, and the subsequent excessive voiding of his bowels, I’m sure Gill will be hustling off to the Lutheran Social Services to see if he can score a dime bag.

11/26/10

Gil goes back to his same old problem-solving tactic that always works: Letting other people solve the students’ problems, while he goes home to have a beer and bone his wife. Hey, why mess with a perfect formula?

Friday night and the team is off to do battle in zero gravity. Now they just need to watch out for the flying potato chips (“Careful, they’re ruffled!”)

11/27/10

Marty’s imbibed so much from his winter warmer flask (well it is halfway through the first inning…), that his sentence structure is even worse than normal. Luckily for the town, his mike stopped working three years ago.

Meanwhile, Jam-jar is so clueless that he didn’t notice his team slip an extra $40 to Goshen to plow him under repeatedly. He better watch out…if he keeps up that bitching, he could end up as an Arkansas Senator.

Bitchin’ Mailbag, or the real reason our government is a massive failure, bro.

And now  it’s time for everyone’s favorite feature at This Week in Milford: Bitchin’ Mailbag! (OK, so it’s never been your favorite, as I’ve never actually done it before…but hey, it will soon be your favorite, if you like insane rants. However, if you prefer not to read a 500 word diatribe unrelated to the latest strips, just hit the snooze button, I’ll be back with comics post real soon after this, I swear!)

Mark P: Look bro, bring Ned back. He posted his comments / interpretations every day. You are sporadic and inconsistent. You need to turn this endeavor over to Ned and you can supplement his postings when you have time.

Thanks for the feedback, bro. Since clearly we’re on a familiar basis, we can both call each other bro, right, bro? Well it’s true, I don’t ALWAYS post daily to this blog anymore. Life gets in the way of blogging sometimes, bro. And when one is blogging about a crappy comic for free, I believe blogging SHOULD take a back seat to life.

This Week in Milford is a project I started writing  for fun over four years ago, and I’ve been psyched that there’s been an eager audience that likes to follow along. The commenters and readers, (with the exception of you, bro) are awesome and they are what makes it fun to keep this trainwreck rolling along after all this time.

But last I checked, this isn’t my job. And last I checked, you weren’t even one of the kind folks who have ever  tossed me a few bucks in the virtual tip jar. So, bro, I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think about the frequency of my blogging. I asked Ned as a favor to fill in for me a few times. He’s done great, and if I ask him again and he accepts, I’m sure he’ll do a great job again. But it’s my blog. If I choose to post less frequently than every day, so be it. And I took the reins back from Ned in part because I’m pretty sure this last horrid plot was destroying the remainder of his soul. Luckily, I have no soul left, so I can keep at this crap indefinitely.

So bro, is your life really so woefully incomplete that you need daily wise-ass cracking about Gil Thorp? Based on the email address associated with your post, you may very well be Mark Pryor, United States Senator from Arkansas. Seriously? If that is you, sir, well then I’m both honored and horrified to be ranting against a U.S. Senator who called me “bro”. Is this the real reason our government never accomplishes anything…because instead of passing legislation, our elected officials sit around idly waiting for their favorite snarky comics blogs to post more frequently? Well then, um, that doesn’t surprise me as much as it should. But please, at least pretend to get back to work, Senator Bro.

If however, you’re just some guy who would use an email that looks like it would belong to Senator Pryor, then, uh that’s pretty damned weird. So fake Senator guy, good luck with whatever you’re up to, and please stay the hell away from me, weirdo.

[end strangest rant in TWIM history]

If you made it this far, congratulations, you just read the 1,000th post of this blog. No, really. Now I’m off to have a beer and then eventually write about actual comics or something. Thanks for reading!

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

11/22/10

“Coach Thorp still in a funk over the Exner kid?”
“Uhhhhh…what?”
“Hey Kaz, quit staring at yet another oddly well-drawn butt crack!”
“Oops, sorry, slowly melting lady…um, yeah. Gil’s been moping in the Teacher’s Lounge doing shots out of his own freak hand for solace. Did you know there’s a flask in that thing? Also he turned his mug into a bong.”
“OK, good to know. Just remember to turn in your Nutboy report!”
“It’s shitty!”

Later at practice, we learn the ill effect that Cody’s absence has on the team: Without his monopoly over all local dope trafficking, Coach Shaw has now  flooded the market with his ‘Happy Beard Guy Chronic’…Wicked strong stuff that’s reduced the team down to three chunky guys hugging each other, and wiped out Kaz’s ability to open his eyes. Too bad Gil treats Shaw like such crap, otherwise he might have gotten a free sample.

 

37 Times. In A Row?

11/19/10

All right, cue the fan for Kaz’s close-up.

11/20/10

Don’t fret Gil, you weren’t the only one that misjudged Cody Exner. The whole This Week in Milford community made the same miscalculation. It’s only because we employed logic and applied our own innate understanding of human nature. I suggest you contact Neal Rubin. He created Cody Exner. He also made you the dick that you are, so maybe you might want to take that up with him. Also, ask him what happened to your kids.

It looks like Gil might be a little glum about Dr. Pearl dropping by for an office quickie, 37 times.

Now make like a leaf and plummet to your death.

11/17/10

Somewhere between 15 and 20 leaves can’t tolerate this boring conversation and leap to their deaths. They are right to do it.

11/18/10

“I can’t count on anyone…well except that guy I bought my weed from. He was reliable. So I’m gonna go narc on him. Well, see ya!”

Later:
“Kaz, why won’t you look me in the eye anymore?”
“Dude, you reek. When was the last time you showered?”
“Oh, I bathe every day after I coach practice.”
“Well, that explains it.”
“Anyway, remember that thing with $80 and Miles and all a car and all that? I think it was this year.”
“No. Which one is Miles? Is he an illegal immigrant janitor?”
“I dunno, maybe. It was at the end of September, so it’s all hazy to me. But Cody inexplicably made $40 out of the deal.”
“Wait, um how did he make money?”
“I said it was INEXPLICABLE! It means that Neal, er I mean that I don’t have to explain it…All I know is he’s a bad kid.”
“OK, but if he gets deported back to Mexico, who will clean our sweaty gym equipment?”
“Someone cleans this equipment?”

The Art of the Low-Level Dealer

11/15/10

“Hey, Chief! Do what do I owe the pleasure? I was just admiring the ‘Baseball Participant’ trophy I stole from Clambake.”
“You may want to put your pants on for this one, Gil…The Sheriff’s Office told me that one of your boys committed something called a ‘crime.’ I was wary at first, but apparently that marijuana we confiscated and is now sadly missing, is illegal! Cody Exner has been selling it…and the Sheriff’s Office has a VIDEO of it. Pretty good flick.”
“That little snot was selling and didn’t tell me? I’ve been going all the way to the Pit in Central City to score. Let me go talk with him.”
“OK, Gil, but just know I already bought his last dime bag…”

11/16/10

“No worries? You’re a drug dealer! With no product!”
“Somebody’s got to do it. Do you realize there’s no medical marijuana dispensaries in this tank town? I’m ready to fill the void.”
“That reminds me… You think you could spot me a score? I have glaucoma…See, my eyeball just exploded.”
“Sorry Coach, no freebies. I’m a businessman now!”

Cheap Novelty Saturday

11/13/10

Oh no, it’s Dr. Martha Pearl? Why was I calling her Nancy? I think I was confusing her with Nancy Pearl, the librarian with her own action figure.

So Gil might be in hot water because Cody Exner almost played or something? Who cares. Let’s discuss Panel 2.

Panel 2 appears to take place in a teachers’ lounge or some place where Gil and Mimi use personalized mugs. (There was a strip in the teachers’ lounge last year where the mugs only had initials. Maybe that was too confusing?) The books are a nice touch, but I doubt if anybody wants to do a lot of reading in there. The bookshelf is just a convenient place to hide all the liquid courage they need to get through another day. The guy in the background is new and opted to use a Whiskey “Sandwich” Flask instead of drinking openly like a seasoned pro. What’s a Whiskey “Sandwich” Flask? It’s the mail order novelty item seen here:

$1.98?! What a bargain!