Next Up, Ball-handling Drills

1/29/11

This Week in Milford was granted an exclusive interview with Coach Gil Thorp (okay, Marty Moon gets to interview Gil all the time, but we think that’s actually part of some court ordered community service, so we’re sticking with the term exclusive.)

TWIM: Thank you for speaking with us today, Coach. It is truly an honor.

Thorp: Who are you with again, Seagram’s? What kind of deal are you offering? I’d love to be in business with you guys. You leave the Board of Education to me, I know a few guys downtown.

TWIM: No coach, we’re from This Week in Milford, a blog that covers Milford athletics.

Thorp: Oh, you’re those losers. When did I agree to this?

TWIM: You called us.

Thorp: Oh, I thought I was talking to Deadspin. I thought they could introduce me to Linda Cohn. Do you guys know Linda Cohn?

TWIM: We’ve seen her on Sportscenter, but we don’t know her.

Thorp: Crap. Do you guys have a bar?

TWIM: Sorry coach, we’re a blog. We don’t have a bar. While we have you here, maybe we could ask you a few questions.

Thorp: Yeah, okay, but no questions about Linda Cohn, okay?

TWIM: Um, okay, we hadn’t planned on it. So tell us about Lini Verde. Do you see his role on the basketball team as a gimmick or do you think he’ll become a productive part of the team?

Thorp: Lini Verde? What the? Oh, yeah him. I thought you were talking about an Italian dessert wine. Well let me answer that question in two ways, first by using my normal stock interview answer which is “yeah Marty, whatever you say” and then by pretending I didn’t hear what you said and saying “I like turtles”.

TWIM: Okay. Um, so do you really like turtles?

Thorp: No. I’m talking about that kid on the internet who likes turtles. What kind of stupid “bloggers” are you if you haven’t heard about the “I like turtles” kid? Make sure you say that I did “airquotes” there.

TWIM: Yeah we know about that kid, we just um…

Thorp: “Airquotes”

TWIM: (Coach Thorp used airquotes when he said bloggers and I like turtles). Okay, we said it.

Thorp: What about airquotes?

TWIM: (Coach Thorp used airquotes around airquotes.) Okay we said that too.

Thorp: But not the last time.

TWIM: What?

Thorp: I didn’t used airquotes around airquotes the last time.

TWIM: Okay, we’ll write it so our readers know when you used and didn’t use airquotes.

Thorp: Readers? You have readers? I might have to redact some of this. Especially that Linda Cohn part.

TWIM: Yes, we have readers. There are people who are interested in following Milford athletics. Would you like to answer some questions about your teams for them?

Thorp: No, not really, I don’t really want to be on record as encouraging those interests. People think sports are so interesting and entertaining, but from my perspective, it’s all smelly jocks and dragging big bags of balls around. Look, it’s Saturday and it’s early and I can’t find my pants and I have to feed my turtle, so I’m gonna let you guys go. Good luck with your “blog”. Oh and one last thing.

TWIM: What’s that, coach?

Thorp: Airquotes around blog.

TWIM: Thanks, coach, it’s been a pleasure.

Thorp: Yeah, smell ya later.

Romp on, Christian Soldier

1/26/11

Hey look…Marty Moon is attempting to grow his balls back! I wonder how many years it’ll be ’til they fully descend again.

1/27/11

A lot to like here: First we have Lini digging into Cortez for promoting Christian basketball violence (which as Cortez knows has historical precedent: Jesus was a monster on the boards but often needed to knock a few pagan heads along the way.) This needling is rough enough to cause Cortez’s chin to angrily vibrate.

Next we have an adamant declaration of “duty.” Yep, I’m totally immature enough to find that funny.

Finally, the return of Pee-Wee Herman’s suit!

1/28/11

“You heard him ask that? Must have been after I wandered under the bleachers to see what the burn-outs were drinking after the game. In any case, it’s an odd situation: I have the ability as a coach to put a good player in the line-up. But he just might start winning games for us…and I can’t have that. ‘Cause I’m headed to Vegas for a bachelor party the week of playdowns.”
“Wait, whose bachelor party?”
“Oh, nobody I know.”

Back at practice:
Lini disinterestedly spins his disco ball…Is that a midget talking to him, or someone down on their knees? Scratch that question. I really don’t want to know.

The Power of Christ-elbows compel you!

1/24/11

“Trouble? I’d say the one in trouble is you, Molly. Your ‘Baihi I’ book is barely blocking that disembodied zombie hand from copping a serious feel! So good luck with that. Me? I’m off to my DHV class to swoon over my adorable boyfriend whom I fantasize is Gil Thorp.”

Not so adorable: Cortez and his rogue elbows! But effective in using the power of Jesus to knock the living shit out of  the Valley Tech Heathens. “I’ll crusade your jaw, bi-atch.  Christ-elbows compel you to clear the lane!”

But the question remains:  Are any of the various detached and/or dislocated arms in panel three related to the zombie arm from panel one?

1/25/11

Please, please, please for the love of all of Cortez’s holy bangin’ appendages, let this be Jam-Jar’s Wally Pipp moment.

This Week’s Bucket Special: The Big Frog, Only $4.75

1/21/11

This strip has everything: an awkward high five, a bloody towel, two stupid haircuts (Parker went into the barbershop and asked for a “Gil” and Lini used a can of AquaNet in the locker room to achieve a sports proofed coiffure) , and a Bucket sign painted by Milford’s Webelos Troop.

1/22/11

Hey, remember how we’ve all been wondering what’s been happening with the romance between Parker and Kayla? Oh, that’s right, we haven’t and probably just assumed it wouldn’t be brought up again. Well here’s an update. The days of milkshake sharing may be over. Too bad. They were a cute couple. He has Gil’s haircut and she has a sweater that is, um, unique.

We’ve commented endlessly around here about the bizarre tendency for the faces drawn in profile to lack pupils, but Panel 1 offers a new, even more bizarre variation: pupils that are looking at us even though the faces are actually pointed away from us, invoking yet another malady: Milford Dislocated Eyeballs Syndrome. Meanwhile, the only character in Panel 1 that’s not totally freakish about the eyes (Traceeeeeee, I think) is displaying her love of excessive accessorizing.

Wait, no I remember where I’ve seen Kayla’s top before….Logan’s Run:

No time for nursing split lips, you’ve got runners to catch Sandman!

Two-word catchprase showdown? Count it!

1/19/11

“And by ‘call it a half’, of course I mean I’m leaving now. Good luck, kids. Hope you win, I guess. Though by putting in Fellini here, it should be obvious I’m conceding this one.”

“Hey, since Gil’s gone, I guess I’m the de facto flat-topped coach. Milfini, ease up!”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“Ah, you are new here, aren’t you. Uh…how about ‘settle down’, then?”

1/20/11

The ratio of coaches to mad beer bombers is too big.

1/17/11

When we look back in two months at the rushed nonsensical end to this latest story, let’s remember this comic, which completely wasted our time, could have been used for something other than a ref announcing a number to a guy with a laptop who clearly doesn’t care.

1/18/11

…and even if plot refuses to happen, at least Kaz and Gil (wearing his funeral suit, ’cause hey everything else was covered in vomit) are about to start drinkin’ courtside. But why didn’t they bring a bomber for each of them?

Comin meet the fabulous rubber-wristed green peach

1/13/11

Bellini Tintoretto Verde?

Bellini = Peach + sparkling wine cocktail
Tintoretto = Italian painter, real name “Comin”
Verde = Green

Ladies and gentlemen, your Renaissance Man: Mr. Comin Green Peach Cocktail!

1/14/11

Or else? What kind of lame threat is that? Are they threatening to reveal his real name to the Milford Masses? If they ever found out that it’s an anagram “Evil Rotten Inbred Toilet”, it would be all over for the rubber-wristed green peach! People might think he was a little weird, and he can’t have that…

1/15/11

Uh-oh…conflict brewing: Who knew, but apparently religious Cortez does NOT care for fabulousness!

I really like the vest! (I gathered that.)

1/11/11

What better time than now to watch this video?

1/12/11

Hey what a plot twist for this strip: Someone entirely non-traditional knows how to coach the team better than the actual coaches! But wait, I thought the girls’ basketball team already has Head janitorial Coach Steve Luhm. (And his assistant: some girl’s loud mom.) But I guess they could always use Lini an assistant to the Assistant Janitor. That way Mimi will never even have to leave the house again…