Check Please

2/26/11

Here’s a sentence that’s never been written or spoken before, ever: “Check it, Micah – Cortez actually shut Lini up.”  The answer should be: “Check this, Jamjar. Get your paw off my Official Burt Reynolds, Trans Am leather jacket or I’ll shut you up!” but there’s no time for banter between these two because this basketball season is all about the General Foods International Coffees moments shared between Dr. Lini and his gal pals. As the sarcastic narration box looks on, Lini and the girls dish the dirt over a delicious pizza (with the latest craze in pizza toppings, Nutboy slivers*). It’s like a pretend Oscar Wilde holding court with a couple of extras from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. It’s like the Algonquin Round Table, except it’s in some tank town pizza joint and nobody with any wit showed up, so the whole thing devolves into a food fight, which is all good fun until somebody has an eye put out with an extra pointy garlic knot.

*It’s shitty, count it, Bonk!

…Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

2/23/11

Alas, Lini can not survive the board-bangin’ Goshen gang. If Gil had thought to play more than one player at a time, the Mudlarks might have had a chance.

2/24/11

2/25/11

So, do you think the fact that Neal has written a conservative Christian vs. a gay character storyline without ever explicitly stating that Lini is gay is a clever twist? Or is it merely lame that he’s beaten around the bush this entire time?

I’m curious if the editors would not allow him to portray an openly homosexual character, or whether it’s by his own choice…After all, it’s not like there’s a lack of gay characters on the funny pages, so what’s the big deal? After the trail has been blazed by such characters as Peppermint Patty, Marvin, Marmaduke and the entire cast of Doonesbury, there’s little to be shocked and appalled at on the comics page these days. Except that after 40 years, Ziggy still refuses to wear pants.

The Green Lantern has left the building. Way to beat us to it, dude.

2/21/11

Shocking Panel 1 Revelation:
“The administration” figured out how to block a website. My take: Kelly with her strong technical skills led Kaz to the server room, where she directed him to punch the crap out of the school’s dial-up modem.

Shocking Panel 2 Revelation:
The Goshen High Goshes have rebranded their school to the much slicker and sleeker “G High.” My take: The sign being cut off means the name is obviously longer…I’m guessing their new name is “Gil High School”, inspired of course by the popular local mug.

Shocking Panel 3 Revelation:
Everyone’s wrist is broken! My take: I don’t care.

2/22/11

Basketball season continues…

with the same result.

As every season.

That is to say:  numerous plots, none of them anywhere close to resolved, or even interesting, carry on into late February. Then the Mudlarks play a boring game for a while. Even Marty Moon can’t be bothered to be any different than he was on January 17th. (At least the kid behind him changed shirts, so we’re no longer concerned the Green Lantern is in the building.) Wake me when Lini Verde becomes famous so I can sell him his damned domain name.*

*For all the aspiring entrepreneurs out there, I would like to announce that I’m willing to sell LiniVerde.com to the highest bidder. But make me an offer quickly, as you’ll want to beat a fictional character to the punch on owning this valuable item!

When Websites Attack

2/18/11

As the week goes by, Dr. Lini and Kayla share a Box ‘o Lettuce at the Bucket and a random kid tells Coach Kaz that he needs to get over to www.ratemymullet.com because his picture is blowing up there. Kaz shuffles the papers around in his hands for a minute before random kid directs him over to his computer for optimal website viewing.

2/19/11

For heaven’s sake, Tim, I forgot you even existed. Say Tim, do you like Apple computers? I totally love Apple computers. You might say I’m an Apple guy*. All right, now get the hell out of here so I can properly assess the impact of this website (on this here Apple Computer)…and close the door on your way out Tom.

So Coach Kaz, P.I. outsources matters of a techie nature to his girlfriend? Well I suppose he tried punching the information out of the website but it wouldn’t spill the beans.

Meanwhile, Lini is denied more eye contact. To be fair, looking into eyes with no pupils is kinda gross.

*Tim Summers’ appearance was sponsored by Apple Computers

Domain Remains the Same…(or, outspending a two-bit operation by $11.75: Priceless.)

2/16/11

Uh-oh. A shocking, computer-related revelation! The last time this happened, the shocking reveal was that Cully Vale was a KILLER Gil discovered he had a COMPUTER in his office! I just don’t want to be around when Gil, like Quagmire, belatedly discovers the world on internet porn.

2/17/11

You’d think anything above a two-bit operation would spring for the $12 to purchase the random URL it prints in a newspaper comic. Because they have to expect that both readers of that comic might just then go type in LiniVerde.com to see where it goes. If said two-bit operation doesn’t purchase LiniVerde.com, what’s to stop a half-assed blog to purchase said URL and redirect it somewhere? Luckily for certain two-bit operation comics, certain half-assed blogs did NOT want to go on record as purchasing a domain entitled LiniIsaMolester.com. So at last check, this wonderfully insane domain name implied in today’s comic can be YOURS, if you want to help hijack a two-bit comic operation. Will YOU step up to the plate?

I spent so much time with domain purchasing nonsense, I seem to have lost track of the real insanity here. First: What the holy f*ck is happening here? Kudos Neal, for running the plot off the rails in a direction none of us predicted. Second: My favorite part of this is Lini’s reaction: “Hmmm, I suppose you can’t deny the premise that I’m a molester. But that’s not a very nice thing to say on the internet! I sure hope nobody reads the internet!”

Zombie Harlots from Beyond Cental High!

2/14/11

As yet another disembodied hand slaps L.I.N.I.* for using the word “harlot” in a family newspaper**, the zombies lurk in the wings…waiting. Later, they lifelessly sit at the Central game, plotting…something. Or they could just be brain-dead hicks, it’s kind of unclear.

*Loose, Ill-fashioned Neckwear Integrator
**The only current newspaper Gil Thorp appears in is literally one family newspaper: A daily rag printed by a wholesome family of farmers outside Sheboygan, Wisconsin. They don’t take kindly to such bawdy talk as “harlot” and will be canceling the strip as of tomorrow.

2/15/11

At last, the zombies begin to make their move! As the only boy in Milford who can occasionally use multisyllabic words, they figure he must be the brains of the school. Let the slow, lifeless shuffling towards his tasty, brain commence!

Paging Dr. Lini

2/12/11

Take a tip from Dr. Lini, kids. Play the field. You can take as many people to the Bucket as you’d like. Relationships, Schmelationships, this is high school, you’re just a walking boner in a Green Lantern t-shirt. You have no idea what you want. Get your freak on now. C’mon, put on your best sweater vest and get out there. Also,  nobody likes a Mopey Moperson (or nobody worth hooking up with, anyway) so turn that frown upside down and let’s play ball!

Crack sandwich: It’s what’s for lunch!

2/9/11

Gil closes his eyes, clicks his heels three times, and wishes for Trainer Rick “Picard” Scott to transform into 7 of 9. Who knew Gil was a Trekkie? And who knew he was still at the game?

2/10/11

Parker is so angry that he prepares to rip off his skin! Meanwhile another kid finds a bit of solace by listlessly staring at the Playboy centerfold in his locker.

Later:
If Parker is anything like his  illegitimate dad and his Twitter page, those girls be waiting an awfully long time for his Facebook Status update. Maybe that’ll give Marty Moon’s illegitimate son a chance to put the moves on ‘em.

2/11/11

I absolutely LOVE Panel 2 kid’s excitement at watching mopey Parker whine and tear off yet more of his skin. Can I get one of those crack sandwiches too?

Meanwhile, Lini is not beat up every day at lunchtime for that outfit why?