Check Your Nuts

3/28/11

Hooray, a new plot! After reviewing the third panel, it’s clear it will involve a boy, his girl, her cleavage and the world’s biggest cup of coffee (a double C and double Ds?)…plus for comic relief: web-surfin’ Paul Prudhomme!

Oh wait, it’s gonna be about high-guitar-holdin’ Velma? Jinkies, nobody centers the plot around Velma!

3/29/11

“Al-Jo” Ames? Is she from the planet Krypton? Maybe she’d have better luck having people watch her act if she wasn’t performing during “Open Mire Nite” at the Coffee Craphole. Plus I imagine cleavage girl giving out free samples in the second row is getting most of the attention anyway.

Meanwhile, in a nearby basement… Someone is planning another Nutboy heist! After all, that professional criminal must be back on the street by now, right? Check that!

No seriously: Check that. Go on…start checking already. I’ll wait. I have nowhere to go.

Beau Brummel Comes To Tank Town

3/26/11

Gil Talk: Yeah, so that cyber-bullying crap sure was somethin’, huh Dinty? Well, nice talking to you. Hey if you’re still around next year, maybe you can come out for basketball. It starts around, um, well I think it’s usually December, but…well I’ve got it written down here somewhere. Smell ya later, I guess.

The Kaylatronic Girlbot 3000 and the Traceematic Cyberpal stand at the ready in the halls of Milford High awaiting activation by the approach of the light loafered Liniguini Versace Green Wavey Rotini, the freshest breath of air to blow through this tank town since the departure of Mr. Bakst (seriously, that guy smelled fresh). Once their sequence is initiated, they support and confirm the splendor that is Linty Vermicelli.

Aaand that brings us back full circle to the way this basketball season began, Lindyhopscotchandsoda ViggoMortadella sharing his love for Project Runway with his gal pals. Put a SMAK-y high five bow on it, and we can forget this ever happened. This is an ending worthy of one of those Police Squad freeze frames.

From Lini’s Wardrobe to another hoops season: The key word is FAIL.

3/23/11

Mysteries of the Moment:

• Who the hell is Kayla talking to?
• Will Lini get to his ventriloquism gig in the Catskills in time?
• Will Whigham ever draw Marty Moon again? (On the plus side, today’s rehash is from one of my recent favorite strips, featuring Stretch Armstong attack!)

3/24/11

Mystery of the Moment: Why will Milford never make the playdowns in any sport ever again?

• Gil is too drunk to care.
• Ever since Gil acquired Clambake’s “Baseball Participant” trophy (which appears to be slowly shrinking), he has more than enough shiny metal objects on his desk for one decade.
• Rubin will never learn to pace a story properly, thus making playdown plots impossible. (“Well kids, we won all our games this year! Unfortunately the championship game happened two months ago…The district just didn’t have the heart to tell us.”)
• All of the above.

3/25/11

I will ignore the fact that Lini has gone to Gil for advice. The entire episode is unrealistic enough…I mean, how does Gil even know the phrase “cyber-bully”? At least there’s some realism here: Gil nods off in mid-advice again.

Since there’s nothing more interesting to talk about, the mystery of the moment for your discussion:

• Which 1980s character has Lini stolen his wardrobe from? I’m going to guess Joey Lawrence.

The elbow law way

3/21/11

Oh very nice, a good ol’ fashioned “Vengeance of Christ elbow” upside Parker’s head for the win!

It’s a good thing there are never any adults at practice. That way the Believers can continually beat the shit out of the cyber-gay-bashers in peace and quiet.

3/22/11

“And as for that website about Lini…”
“Hold on, can you speak up? You’re speaking in waaay too small a font.”
“Oh sorry. My point is this: We’re both Juniors, which means I could drag this crap on for another year, Milford time. That translates to 10 thousand years of actual time. You’ll look like Gil rather than Gil Jr. when I’m done with you.”
“Noooo, I can already feel my face disintegrating. If I knew what you were talking about, I’d certainly take down that website immediately!”

Later:
“Hey Lini, have you been ignoring that thing that wouldn’t be as much of  a problem if we just ignored it? I haven’t been ignoring it, but now that it’s not there, we can, nay, must ignore it! Because it’s no longer there. I made sure to tweet and Facebook about it so nobody at school would forget.”
“Uhhhh, OK. I dunno what’s going on anymore, ’cause I was busy cataloging my Isotoner glove collection all night. Check out these mannequin hand models I brought for show and tell!”

Poked In The Cloakroom

3/18/11

Wow, secondary eyeball explosion. Somebody better page Steve Luhm. Meanwhile, looks like Kayla is too smart for Gil Jr. Parker. But he stares soulfully at us as he tells us about his broken heart. Tell it to the judge, Parker Bowen Can’t Loose Flattop Dipstick.

3/19/11

What’s this? Cortez the Killer Beecher Stowe Abdul Jabbar is happening by the room with the hooks (and those things on the floor) just in time for the poking of Parker and he issues a CHILL command. He’s about to drop some knowledge folks! We’ll wait until Monday for the BIG REVEAL!

Sorry if I can’t work myself into a speculative fervor over these developments. All the Mudlarks out there have been doing yeoman’s work sorting through this swamp of a “mystery” plot and have been covering the “what the hell is going on here” angle quite well in the comments. I, in the meantime am fascinated by Kayla’s magical bracelets, which remain carefully positioned and neatly spaced even as she raises his arm to poking angle.

Parker Cans It

3/17/11

Here’s where we are: Kayla thinks Parker did it. Parker thinks Kayla wants him back. Parker says he didn’t do it. Maybe tomorrow Kayla will let us in on what clues she found on her DELL COMPUTER! Until then sit back and enjoy these mysteries:

Parker’s phone magically levitates.

Of course Parker thinks Kayla missed him, the same way he missed her. Their eyeballs have both exploded. That’s gotta count for something.

And the biggesting mystery is (aside from where the hell are we supposed to return our trays!?…oh, nevermind) where did Kayla summon Parker to, anyway? What is this mysterious room with one creepy shadow and a series of hooks on the wall? Is Kayla going to hang Parker on a hook and beat him with those oversized dominos while that harsh lighting burns out his one good eyeball?

Bedroom Browsing….It Stinks!

3/16/11

OMG! Kayla doesn’t know how to use Googlejeevesopedia and she’s looking at liniverde.com!  She’d better hold her nose. Liniverde.com is shitty and all the people on that site are mocking her giant, flowery booty and her Team Edward Scissorhands poster and her soul-patched doucebag pin-ups and her Dellamore Dellamorte laptop. She’s reading what we’re saying about her and her pal Lini and what he represents and it’s making her nuts.

What does Lini represent anyway (besides his thriving meth lab)? I thought he was just another poorly fleshed out character in another meandering plot.

By the way, it’s me, Ned. I’ll be subbing for Jason for the rest of the week. He’s flying kites with Mary Worth or something.

The fruity and nutty meth professor

3/14/11

Looks like Lini got confused, thinking the panel 1 question was “Who are the ingredients in your ideal man sandwich?” Then just to prove his manliness, he went home, put on his lumberjack jammies and turned on the exciting new version of Fashion Police…you know, the one where the logo was redrawn by a four-year-old.

3/15/11

It wasn’t hard to hide the website from the local paper. Their research department consists of a hamster using “Ask Jeeves”.  And hamsters don’t know how to spell Lini Verde, let alone ask Jeeves details about any cyber-jerk website about him, let alone realize “Ask Jeeves” doesn’t even exist anymore.

It’s becoming more painfully obvious that Lini is the one doing it, isn’t it? (Writing a website that negatively publicizes himself? No…I mean running his own meth lab on school property.)