Careful With That Axe, Hobart

4/29/11

This is what happens when the Deficit Task Force of the Budget Subcommittee bring their lovers’ quarrel into the meetings of the Budget Subcommittee proper. It’s all Fat Albert and Hobart shrieking at each other about squelching rainy days and nipping and tucking fat cats. The rest of the Budget Subcommittee look on stoically as they try to interpret the archaic code of the Deficit Task Force. Are these guys actually discussing fiscal issues or working out their plans for the next Deficit Task Force retreat, scheduled to take place at the Bakst Bed and Breakfast in beautiful Charleston, South Carolina? (I find this strip pretty depressing as it is actually a good representation of many meetings in my world: a couple of lunatics working out thinly veiled interpersonal disputes while everybody else suffers in silence, wondering why they need to witness stupid drama.)

4/30/11

Oh hi, baseball season! We didn’t see you over there. How’s tricks? What, the Valley Conference opener? How’d that go? Oh fabulous! What? Oh, okay, well see ya later, we guess. Call us!

Oh with subplot 1.2a, the rise of Derek Chance and the Longshots, who can play on the street now instead if in a pit. Well, that’s what Buzz Marco, proprietor of the Bottom Dollar Saloon, has led them to believe. It’s even money that the Longshot are going to end up as performers in Marco’s amateur fetish porn productions (or something way less interesting).

Gil is not driving a bus here is he? It would have to be a bus that has the driver seat on the left side (which is what you end up with when you don’t read the fine print in those fat cat contracts). I prefer to think that Gil’s steely-eyed focus is not on the road ahead but his version of what Seinfeld fans will recognize as the David Puddy Stare, an indicator of the barest of mental activity in a thick skull of complacency.

Cut the crap…wait, that’s everything.

4/27/11

…and with that, the Parker Brothers (built off Whigham’s same generic brunette guy template, oops…) force me to retire the ever-clever name of “Alpo.” Instead that odd guy with the folk singer names should now be known as “Kra-beez” (because hey, it’s funnier than “Kra-Baez”). If only Kra-Beez’ mom knew she had given birth to a boy, she’d have given him the much more appropriate name, like Justin Tim-Bieber-lake.

4/28/11

Batting practice! A school board meeting  at the crazy M.C. Escher table! Possible budget cuts! The melting, pupil-less head of Fat Albert! How dare I give this post a “Boredom in Milford” tag. Ease up, blogger!

Contains as much fresh content as an average can of Alpo.

4/25/11

So off we go, continuing yet another totally recycled plot. Sure, at first you’d think it was a complete rehash of last spring, when Milford’s cultured teenagers didn’t understand the appeal of a different type of music…In fact, some blond guy named Jeff, (who may or may not be the same Jeff, only with swell new brown hair…I mean how is Whigham supposed to keep track of these things, right?) didn’t like alt-country back then…and now this Jeff pooh-poohs folk singing.

But on closer examination, you’ll note all the important differences: This time around, they’re serving “sloppy roe” for lunch, there’s a mutant two-headed kid attending the school, and we have dude-on-dude bromance brewing. Wait…”Alpo” is supposedly a girl? Excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. As long as I’m the only one clever enough to have thought of calling him her(?) “Alpo”.

4/26/11

So has “Ease up” jumped the shark with yet another appearance in less than a week? And is Lini threatening us with bringing back the winter plot that went nowhere? Would I be tempted for him to make good on this promise in light of the fact that the alternative is boring, boring Jeff “Inadequate Chocolate Substitute” Karoub? And do I need to stop referring to that guy girl no I’ll go with ‘fella‘ as ‘Alpo’ now that I’m no more clever than Parker “Looks the same as Jeff so we can’t show him up-close anymore” Bowen?

Ming Recommends The Macchiato

4/23/11

Jeff (Karoub, maybe….doesn’t really matter) and Micah Huang are enjoying some Mocha Hazelnut Lattes and swinging to the sweet sounds of Al-Jo James and her songs about the plight of some crap or other. None of this matters. What’s important is that Ming the Merciless is at the Coffee Cantina but due to the weirdness of the mystery object he’s holding, his purpose here is subject to speculation, which is what we do best around here.

So what is Ming holding there? Is he waiting tables there and taking orders? The disinterested couple will have a Venti quad shot, 1 pump Vanilla, 2 sugar in the raw, soy, non-fat, extra dry cappuccino and a quadruple espressinoso super grande light blueberries and cream half-soy full city roast nonfat half-caf organic caramel vanilla iced double-shot macchiato black tea chai foamed shaken sugar-free cinnamon eggnog dolce peppermint gingerbread pumpkin spice latte thrice blended extra hot with three ice cubes hold the whipped cream, one sweet’n low, and one nutrasweet.

Or is Ming  just another patron half listening to Al-Jo singing about coalminers while he surfs of the world’s stupiest smart phone?

Or is Ming a poet who works exclusively with magnetic poetry and limits himself to the same eight words?

Welcome to Milford’s life on the D list.

“Looks like we’re 0-for-picking-up-girls, Micah.”
“I wonder if walking arm in arm is hurting our chances?”
“Nah, at least they know I’m the pretty one. You look like you’ve been beaten with a shovel.”
“Speaking of ugly-ass dudes, check out that guy on stage…Isn’t he on the girl’s softball team? He’s says he’s gonna play some Nancy Griffith…my favorite McDonald’s character!”
“You’re thinking of Grimace.”
“Oh, right I mean my favorite crazy CNN host!”
“That’s Nancy Grace.”
“Wait, that chick with the D-List Show?”
“You mean Kathy Griffin.”
“Oh, the TV game show producer guy?”
“Merv Griffin.”
“Wait, the fighter?”
“You mean Marvelous Marvin Hagler?”
“Awesome, he’s gonna play boxer songs!”
“Micah, who needs girls? Kiss me, you lovably hideous moron.”

Gary Oldman refuses to ease up. Conflict to be resolved never.

4/19/11

Sure, we could spend an entire strip featuring the most unpleasant new softball character…but why do that when we could instead feature…a budget meeting!

4/20/11

Credit where credit is due: Rubin and Whigham took a budget subcommittee scene and made it the most interesting damned budget subcommittee meeting you ever saw, brother! Because when the melting head of Fat Albert tells you to ease up, man, you better ease up! (Unless, of course, you’re Gary Oldman, then nobody tells you to ease up, bitch!)

Once the budget subcommittee realizes the Thorp model of coaching is to employ random weirdos to do all the work for free, they’ll simply deploy this same model across the entire school. Think of the possibilities: Clambake teaching Sex Ed! (Talk about locking your eyes on one hole…)

4/21/11

“Hey did you realize that weird Alpo chick sings protest songs…and I mean what do we have to protest about, except these horrible pants?”
“Yeah, as far as I know the world is fine…there’s nothing to protest. At least that’s what my new teacher, kid in tree, keeps tells me.”

Out of whack!

4/16/11

Cortez Beecher uses pure Jesus-infused fastball power to pitch right through the arms of the enemy! Gil finds such a lack of suckiness refreshing. And being the great coach he is, he’ll be sure to play Cortez as rarely as possible.

4/18/11

“Rogers Lady Rams whack Milford Mudlarks” sounds slightly titillating and possibly fa bit filthy, doesn’t it? Fortunately, we get some levitating Alpo action to make us all completely flaccid again.

Emptying The Bullpen

4/13/11

Panel 1: Aw coach, don’t I get an ass pat?
Panel 2: This panel annoys me. The outfielder is just standing there flatfooted, waiting for the carom. Couldn’t he have moved his feet a little and maybe made a play on the ball in the air? Maybe the fence is electrified?
Panel 3: Cheer up Miles, nobody even knows who you are.

4/14/11

Panel 1: Why does Marty always stick that recorder thingamabob in Gil’s face. What could he possibly be doing with all the sound clips? Does he remix them in the “Beat Laboratory” down in his mother’s basement?
Panel 2: An exploding eyeball rage BAM! We expect to use a lot of pitchers: Derek and all those other guys who don’t get to do anything interesting, Miles Paris, Micah Huang, Stanky Douchebottom, Newt Minow, Jonathan Abner Tobias Pissoff, Poindexter Snordkin, Stockar McDougal, and Gunther Feldschmertz to name but a few.
Panel 3: Micah Huang simply must step up and be a focal point/fan favorite. He’s put in his time as an athlete and we know the nutty crowds will do something completely insane to celebrate his play.

4/15/11

Panel 1: Third base coach Kaz models the new tight jeans coaching attire. Is it a fist bump or a high-five?
Panel 2: Plasticman Gil uses extend-o arm to smack Micah Huang on the ass.
Panel 3: Big Cortez Beecher?! I hope he’s pitching in those goggles. I hope I hope I hope!