Crash cows! Old dead Tabors! Treacherous Gil! Are you ready for some football?

My quick post-mortem on the 2011 summer of madness lameness: I’d like to imagine we’ll never see ol’ Kenny Lark again. But then we thought that about Kemper Peake, Elmer Vargas, Steve Luhm…the list goes on and on. Most anyone we hoped would stay gone has a pesky knack for reappearing. So I’m sure Kenny will  be back to ruin next summer. At least we’ll be prepared this time.

Oh and I’m convinced that Chief Whigham has been creating crazy onomatopoeia words just to keep himself from slipping into a summer coma. FOOZLE!

8/29/11

 

Panel 1′s ominous beginning: Superman hurtles straight down toward Earth at lightning speed, as an early and blatant reminder that this plot is destined to crash horribly into the Earth, creating an enormous crater that will eventually destroy all life on this planet as we know it. Hold on, Asian Mom… what cows? Say, are you my Asian mom?

Brody Abro? Neal has officially run out of friends who want to be name dropped when Google only returns this on a name search. Welcome, new Milford moron. Or as you will now be referred to: Brody D. Abro, D student.

Meanwhile, Gil’s attempts to get free coaching are becoming more and more elaborate: Now he’s managed to convince the cable repairman to stay for a cup of coffee. Which is of course laced with roofies. When Mark wakes up, he’ll be half lobotomized and chained to the goal post. Also known as “pulling a Cully Vale.”

8/30/11

Oh crap, not the retirement of retired Assistant Coach Mark Tabor!!! Um, wait, who?

I’m pretty positive I’ve never seen this Tabor guy in five years of writing about this comic. (Though now that I think about it, I guess he’s been lurking around in his secret occasional guise of  Skippy the Angry Janitor.) So why would he bother to go tell Gil that he was going to continue to not show up as an unpaid assistant coach, because he’d rather go euthanize his 120-year-old parents than spend another day not coaching for free?  Oh that’s right, because Gil has some eerie hold on the Milford townsfolk, hypnotizing them to do his slave labor bidding. And Gil clearly wants Mark Tabors’ parents out of the picture. Sorry old Tabors. Gil needs that handicapped parking spot.

It appears Superman crash landed faster than I expected.

Goodbye Kenny Lark

8/25/11

It’s all square, Wilford. Nah, I don’t want to watch. Say Wilford, how about giving me a rub down?

TINK! PLOOK! Right into the tar pit!

8/26/11

Horrible plot, unlikeable character, new low in smug douchery from Gil. What can you do but laugh? Take Molly golfing at the muni (with last year’s golfing asshole) of course.

8/27/11

So Molly didn’t just instantly pick up a complete mastery of golf? Oh well, how ’bout a few Jell-O shots? Aw…too soon?

I guess that’s the end of the crappy summer plot. Wake Marty, cue the bonfire, cut the Ghost down off the locker and get me some of that varsity grade stuff!

This town aint stocked with enough liquor for the two of us lady, and the strip’s not named after you.

8/22/11

You Know You Have a Drinking Problem When…You compare your drinking habits favorably to those of Gil Thorp.

8/23/11

I guess we missed all the panels where Mrs. Drunklark, furious at being spied on and secretly filmed, asks her son why instead of just talking with her about her possible problem, he decided to enlist the local alcoholic loser coach and some chick he was trying to impress to create a cockamamie video making her look excessively foolish.

Oh wait…that would happen in some possible reality, not Rubin’s Milford.

Now that that’s a wrap, let’s cut over to the Thorp house: Ah good, some mega-smug, holier-than-the-drunk-mom blather, enjoyed over a nice cool pitcher of iced schnapps!

8/24/11

Oh wait…we nearly forgot to point out that Kenny’s anger management issues have instantaneously disappeared now that his mom is in A.A. Just like in real life!

Nice Autotune on the SNOORX!

8/20/11

This strip is so wrong. You’re telling me that the plan involves editing? Editing? Really? So let’s sit around the Java Hole and really make this intervention material tight. Let’s mix up the shot selection, see if we can sweeten the sound a little, correct for some of the lighting conditions, etc.  How about some wacky sound effects? Maybe we can get Bob Saget to do some silly voice overs. Nice editing, Molly! You’ve really brought my mother’s crushing  struggles with substance abuse to life!

Gil: What, recruit this scary little hothead? That’s a riot. No I’m here to get rid of all the booze after Kirby shows you your lush reel. So are we going to do this or what?

 

Now let’s all stay home and watch your mom snoorx herself.

8/17/11

“You’ve got a plan? Is it an intermission?”
“No, we’re still in the middle of the  scene!”
“No, I  mean, uh that thing where we all confront my mom and tell her how she has a problem and it makes us sad and junk…”
“An intervention? Hell no! It’s time for nonsensical wacky hijinks! I’ll tell you about it tomorrow…”

8/18/11

 

“OK, I’ve been waiting all day…so what do we do?”
“Well, after I pull the ol’ Torrey Peake point at the reader trick…It’s time to pull out the video camera!”
“What, why?”
“Jeez, didn’t you know videotaping stuff in Milford is comedy gold! Or occasionally SUPER comedy gold. Except of course when it’s not. Or when it’s really, really not.”
“So the plan is: Take video of my mom passed out?”
“Well…at least ’til she says ‘SNOORX’.”
“Boy, that ought to solve the problem.”
“Based on those links of everyone in this town always taking video of everything, you have a 50% chance of hilarity.”
“I like those odds. Then again, I don’t know math.”

8/19/11

“Gee Coach, I thought secretly filming my mom would feel skeezy and perverted, but I have to admit…it’s starting to give me a bit of a chub.”
“Good, that’s progress. Now did you find out where the key to the liquor cabinet is yet?”
“No, and to top it off, the battery went dead 30 minutes after she passed out naked in the shower. But I didn’t get mad about it! I’m sure glad my new-found enjoyment of my mother is making me less angry!”

Adiós, Coach Borracho

8/15/11

“Kenny’s mom is drinking? At home? Alone? For free? Why am I just now hearing about this? Here I am, paying for drinks at the 19th Hole like a chump. That reminds me…can I get my hands on that $300 I helped you scam? Otherwise…its another SLAP for you, ya teenage hustler. This time down low.”

8/16/11

“What is this – an intermission?”
“If by that you mean intervention, yes. It’s an intervention for you being a hothead dumbass. With my skills as a fully-functioning alcoholic and Molly’s ability to do her Spanish while in Psych class, we decided we’re a perfect pair to help you out.”
“Tu eres un pendejo loco, Kenny!”
“But Coach, most of Milford’s problem kids are angry morons…Why are you bothering with me, rather than doing your usual: ignore the problem until it goes away?”
“Kenny, you’re very…special. Now please give me your Mom’s address. She and I need to…er, talk. And Molly will stay here and fix you.”
“Adiós, Coach Borracho!”

Show Us Your Larks!

8/12/11

So Gil woke up from his nap in the practice bunker and now he has to piece together what’s going on with his summer golf academy. That’s classic Gil right there, maintaining a safe distance from the source of the problem to minimize the potential heavy lifting.

Meanwhile, nobody pushes Molly in a parking lot! Slip up again Lark and you’ll find yourself pounded with all sorts of camping implements. Oh yeah, and here’s some money for something. Don’t tell Gil because he probably thinks he should be cut in for a piece of the action. Ass.

8/13/11

Par for the course, it’s more roundabout coaching/mentoring/meddling from Gil. Jeez dude, if you’re concerned about Kenny, talk to freakin’ Kenny. Kenny’s your damned student. Molly works for the club (or she’s part of the caddy scholarship program or whatever) who may or may not have shared personal stuff with Kenny. Do you respect any boundaries, Gil? (And maybe carry a little trial sized bottle of Scope around or something…your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon.)

The final panel of the week is Mrs. Lark in a merlot stupor. That never gets old. (Is it just me or is she sporting a rather large rack there?)

Search Terms of Endearment

8/10/11

Rather than discuss two ancillary characters discussing the poor golf habits of the entirely unlikable centerpiece of this summer’s plot, I will share with you some of the search terms that were used twice each in the past month to visit this blog:

nobel possy
asstastic
ease up hobart
cassie go home duffle bag ?
xrated comic stirp dagwood bumstead
indianapolis police uniforms
i put the milf in milford
gay photoshop friend into porn

I would say this sampling shows the awesome breadth of bizarre and unique content on the site, but really, it just shows what a bunch of pervs and weirdos the internet-using public is comprised of. (Or who knows, maybe all that searching is just from two super-weirdo creepers.)

8/12/11

Weird old Brimley-esque golf members are finally just about done with ol’ Kenny, eh? What took them so long? We’ve all had enough since, oh about five weeks ago when he first appeared. But hasn’t it felt like twice as long? Now excuse me, I’m off to enjoy some X-Rated Dagwood Bumstead comics. (Can you believe he fit the entire foot-long in his mouth at once?)