This Week in Milford

September 27, 2011

Dragon Fisting: Enter the Rectum!

Filed under: actual action, football, Gil Thorp, google nonsense, Marty Moon, Neal's friends — jasbeattie @ 12:11 am

9/26/11

The dragons, huh? Well that must mean we’ve made it all the way to Kansas for this game. Luckily, we can add this result of this match-up here, (if it ever ends) as it appears it’s been left off the schedule.

Speaking of brain damage, hey look: Gil’s at the game! And he’s wisely realized that if he pulls Chip Visci out of the game now, he can send him on a beer run…after all, he does look a bit old for a high-schooler.

9/27/11

 

You can tell Marty in’t actually at the game. Otherwise he would have told his audience of none that the way Derek Tolan knocked the ball loose was by sticking his fist twelve inches up the quarterback’s rectum. Which earned him a loving helmet caress from his teammate. So when’s Chip getting back with the beer for Chrissake?

September 24, 2011

Angry Drunken Booster Boss Tweets

Filed under: google nonsense, Marty Moon, Where is Milford? — nedryerson @ 6:22 am

9/23/11

Bobby’s phone rings every time his dad tweets? Friday nights are pretty rough when Wildcat drinks himself into a stupor and starts tweeting general complaints about everything. Bobby would be well advised to block @Wildcat_Maris_No_Relation_To_Roger (forgive me, I don’t know how Twitter works) or put his phone on silent at least.

Once Wildcat gets past the point where he can tweet coherently, he starts drunk dialing. Deke must be desperate to talk to someone if he picked up for Wildcat.

9/24/11

Milford travels to Minnesota, Kansas or Iowa to take on the mighty Plainsmen, Dragons or Tigers. (When I first looked at the opponent, I thought the opponent might be Belle Glade, a small Florida school, technically Glades Central, that dominated it’s class in the state and churns out college and pro players like some kind of factory. Milford would probably get torn to shreds, not to mention have to travel all the way to the southern part of Florida. But no it’s Belle Plaine, some generic sounding place that manages to replicate itself in three different mid western states, none of which are noteworthy for much of anything, football or otherwise. Sorry small town mid-westerners, don’t take it personally.)

On to the game action! Azal Jaddou pukes on his holder after missing another kick. He missed a kick or he’s struggling in some way. Maybe he put his helmet on backwards and he’s struggling to pull it off but its stuck and the rest of the team look on while he tries twisting and tugging to pop the lid off his head. Where are you Brody Abro? Did you bring your radioactive bowling ball to Minnesota?

Ouch! An injury to Jaden Harris, tackled low by Opponent. Marty sees this from his booth, wherever it is, broadcasting to somebody, maybe. The season sinks lower into the dumper.

September 22, 2011

Kickin’ it to the Moon

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, Coach Kaz, football, Gil Thorp, Marty Moon, Milford Idiots — jasbeattie @ 12:36 am

Sorry for the delay in posting…I just had to see how this exciting game turned out!

9/19/11

Enjoy your helmet-tugging close-up, Azal Jaddou. Because Brody Abro is already thinking about destroying you.

9/20/11

Hey an overconfident Gil figures they’ll be winning in a few minutes then off to the bar! After all, your mysterious foreign kicker just shanked an extra point. What could go wrong?

9/21/11

Seriously? A pass on 3rd and 2? (And an awful one at that.) Is the coach drunk? Oh wait, stupid question. I’m just as annoyed as ol’  Wild Bill about today’s comic. But mostly due to having to look at way too many up-nostril shots.

9/22/11

…and Al “Jazeera” Jarreau hooks it low and left, straight into Marty Moon’s giant head. Fortunately nobody noticed, since everyone left hours ago, well, except the holder and that weird kid who carries his bowling ball everywhere.

September 17, 2011

Do We Call Him Bobcat?

Filed under: Exploding Eyeball Syndrome, football, Gil Thorp, Marty Moon, Recycled art — nedryerson @ 7:33 pm

9/16/11

Hey, did anyone think that Wildcat Maris was just a minor digression in this season’s football plot and that we wouldn’t have to go down the over-involved parent road again? Yeah it’s a fools paradise. Surprise! The Wildcat is the guy proud of the huge holes his Bobby is opening.

So to get Wildcat out of his face, Gil falls back on some sort of liability concern? Yes, this a legitimate point for the real world, but in Gil World? Okay, I’ll allow it, grudgingly, but I’m sure Gil is just bluffing. Maybe in a few days he’ll call Dr. Pearl and ask, “Hey boss, we do have some kind of insurance for the football team, don’t we? Hey do you think it would cover an exploding eyeball? What? Oh, no reason, I was just wondering.”

The moral of this story: Parenting in Milford sucks.

9/17/11

Wow, look at the rapid fire delivery of the beginning of the season! Bonfire! Coin toss! Touchdown!

Okay I can match that with my commentary: Is that Sackodog from Prep Spotlight? Did that guy eat Steve the Disco Referee? The Prefab Pressbox, one million sold.

September 15, 2011

Doing the French Mistake!

9/14/11

Panel 1: No, fellas, try it with me one more time: Throw up your hands, stick out your tush, hands on your hips, give ‘em a push…You’ll be surprised, you’re doing the French Mistake!

Panel 2: While Gil discusses his fantasy football line-up with Kaz, and um…what appears to be a sleeping Freddy Prinze Jr.(?), it seems nobody has remembered to wipe the year’s worth of dust off of Coach Shaw, fresh out of the storage closet.

Panel 3: Gil and Marty discuss their recent bathtub gin creation, code name: Depth Chart.

9/15/11

Panel 1:  Two solid QBs, an Arkansas Congressman and a Denver sports columnist? That’s great but who the hell belongs to that hand?

Panel 2: Did you know that Stefan Harvey likes Bananas in Pajamas? And that I can’t figure out which one is Joey Carter’s wife? And that Derek Tolan quit the team to play golf? And that I’m an all-world coach for remembering several names?

Panel 3: My Bobby’s opening some huge holes! And now he’s locking his eye on one of them, swinging, and he keeps doing it! He learned that from the last coach who ever worked at Milford.

September 13, 2011

Brody D. Abro, (D Student), will destroy you.

Filed under: Coach Kaz, football, Gil Thorp, Milford Weirdos — jasbeattie @ 12:04 am

9/12/11

Oh my God. It turns out the twist is that Brody D. Abro, (D Student), has the power to destroy NFL players just by thinking about them.  (Poor Nate Kaeding’s knee didn’t even have a chance.) Please, Brody, keep your crazy savant brain off my fantasy team.

His mother, either horrified or oblivious to her son’s eerie powers, has now resorted to carrying a football around in a Baby Björn.

9/13/11

So why does Kaz care? And more importantly, will it result in punching? But most importantly, what’s going on with those shadowy freaks in the third panel? Did Cully crawl back out of the swamp to fill the team holes with his scoliosis-riddled spine and stubby half-man arms?

September 11, 2011

WHUD! The Hell?!

Filed under: Coach Kaz, Milford Idiots — nedryerson @ 6:08 pm

9/10/11

Shoehorning in a few quick points before the end of the weekend.

I’m opposed to Kaz being referred to as “Bob”. First on the coffee mug and now in this narration box. Our former linebacker, former bouncer is Kaz. Bob is the guy next door who always has his car in pieces all over his carport. Capisce? Kaz!

Rod Whigham’s signature now appears to be bold, goofy sound effects. It’s as if he’s getting in touch with his inner Don Martin.

And Brody Abro. Yeah, whatever.

 

September 9, 2011

Lest old Kaz haircuts be forgot…

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, Coach Kaz, football, Gil Thorp, Pantheon of Hair — jasbeattie @ 11:38 pm

9/8/11

Gil may have become even more transparent in his desire to get free manual labor, but he’s obviously too drunk to remember Kaz never even applied for this crappy gig…Gil just found him breaking up jerk fights as a neckless, sleeveless ump in Lane City, and after determining that Kaz probably wasn’t an escaped zoo gorilla, he decided to offer Mr. Barbwire Tats a job out of the blue. No kissing ass required.

9/9/11

So since this is boring and doesn’t advance the plot significantly*, how about we have a discussion as to whether Kaz’s hair was more awesomely ridiculous in those flashback links from seven years ago, or now…I’d say that while the fluffy yet spiked look of 2004 Kaz was truly something to behold, I’m also pretty fond of the rockabilly-hipster-pseudo-mullet-plus-sideburns-and-Superman-curl look he sports these days. If Kaz’s hair made a sound effect, what would it be? Discuss.

*Which really shouldn’t have been called out, as I could accurately begin all posts this way.

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