Everybody Slap Your Deke

Sorry so late. Here’s some desperation limericks. I couldn’t even think of anything for the pumping iron strip, so have at it (if you want).

10/26/11

There once was a blowhard named Wildcat,
The Boosters’ number one asshat
The guy is a freak.
His devotion to Deke,
Indicates that he’s planning to tap that.

10/27/11

10/28/11

Gil’s a terrible fantasy picker
He’d rather spend time drinking liquor.
So here’s what he did
He asked Asperger kid
To help him select a new kicker

10/29/11

There no one type suited for sports
Players abound of all sorts
But Brody Abro,
Take a tip from a pro
You never walk on wearing jorts

Remember Pokémon? Good, because we’re name dropping it to make you feel sad.

10/24/11

Good thing Gil brought his own whiskey flask to pour into his industrial-sized jug o’ coffee, because “Sad Stories of Milford (now with crazy-angle flashbacks!)” is a pretty depressing  thing to sit through.

10/25/11

Today, we can see Gil’s wheels turning, (while his chins are busy multiplyin’), as he contemplates the best way to produce a wacky new cable-access show “That’s Asperger’s!” Or perhaps he’s simply wondering “Wait…did that lady just say Poke a Mom?”

Meanwhile, I have a question for this so-called “Booster Club”: Where have you guys been for the last decade of poor coaching and questionable calls? Was the drunken, spaced out bald guy in the front row in charge for all that time? Perhaps it’s only when baldy was declared clinically dead this past spring that Wildcat took the reins of this fine, well-organized drinkin’ club. As long as he can continue to present himself with all the subtle nuanced charm of Hobart, I’m sure things will end for Mr. Cat. (And his new cable-access show “That’s Wildcat!”)

Coffee Talk With Gil Thorp

10/20/11

10/21/11

Two more days worth of strip to illustrate Milford’s kicking problem. Don’t take that THUD! personally, Derek Tolan. There’s no footing to be found on the field (and all the players inexplicably wore their Florsheims instead of cleats) and Miles Paris is demonstrating that he doesn’t know how to hold for a placekick.

10/22/11

“Derek wants to work late on his kicking. But first he’s going to work on some dance moves. I think he’s doing that “We’re the boys in the chorus” routine from the Bugs Bunny short, What’s Up Doc? Say, nice crotch-huggers, Gil.”
“You too, Bob. Keep the boys high and tight, I always say. I’m gonna go work on Brody Abro”
“Is that code?”

Later…
“Hello, Mrs. Abro”
“Please, call me Marcie, Coach Thorp sir.”
“No need for formalities. Just call me Coach Thorp.”
“Sorry, old habit, sir, er, Coach Thorp. Would you like to come in for some coffee?”
“Yeah coffee sounds okay. I’d like to talk to you about putting your son Brody, who has been diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, on the football team. I’ve discussed his Asperger’s with the school’s guidance counselor and we both feel that participation in team sports would be a benefit to him, what with the Asperger’s and all.”
“That sounds wonderful, Coach Thorp. What do you take in your coffee, Coach Thorp?”
“Oh, um, got any Sambuca?”
“I don’t think so, is that an artificial sweetener?”
“Never mind. Look, I don’t know much about this Asberger’s stuff, other than what the guidance counselor read to me from Brody’s personal protected health information file over coffee, so I figured you might share whatever tricks you use to get Brody to do stuff, ’cause frankly, I don’t even know where to start. I have a hard enough time dealing with normal kids.”
“Yeah, well, um, you might want to start by thinking of him as a normal kid. Surely you must have to build relationships with all kinds of kids. You’ve been coaching them for fifty years.”
“What’s that?”
“You know, leading by example, building trust, developing character…isn’t that what you call ‘coaching’?”
“Come again?”
“Is there somebody else at the school I should talk to about this?”
“Oh, I think we’ll figure it out. This plain coffee kinda makes me jumpy, so I’ve gotta run. Why don’t you drop Brody off at practice tomorrow and we’ll see if I can ‘coach him up’ for ya?”

Quitters never win, but at least they stay dry.

10/17/11

Argo Impenary is like a totally awesome name. Which makes it more than likely that it’s actually just a random series of syllables Marty blurted out from his SkyCrate while trying to read the ingredient list on his Hungry Man meatloaf dinner.

10/18/11

“Wait? They’re allowed to quit in the middle of the game? Why didn’t I think of that?”
“That kid sucks.”
“I think he can still hear you, Kaz.”
“Yeah I know. I tell him he sucks every time he walks by. And yell it on the team bus. Now I’m sad he won’t be around for me to discourage on a daily basis. Wonder why he quit?”

10/19/11

“What’s all this non-alcoholic liquid coming from the sky?”
“I dunno, but whatever it is, I’m pretty sure it’s Abdul’s fault.”
“Maybe if we look directly at it, we’ll get less wet.”
“So if I quit to go to the bar now, I’d still get paid, right?”
“Gil, this is the longest you’ve been at a game since I started working here.Get outta here before someone suspects you’re trying too hard. I’m sure one of these horrible players will tell me when the game is over…presuming I don’t drown myself first.”

Where Does This Fall On The Spectrum Of Inappropriateness?

10/12/11

Derek Tolan, whose head shall from this point on always be framed by goalposts,  is drafted by Gil to potentially become the Mudlarks next mediocre kicker.

Wandering the halls of the school, Gil finds a door marked COUNSELING. Apparently, there is some other lettering lower on the door that says, “Come On In and Pry Into Personal Detail Of Our Students.”

10/13/11

Sarah, the counselor with an Encyclopedia Britannica and a flawed understanding of confidentiality spills the beans on “a very special Gil Thorp”.

“Asperger Syndrome? Didn’t they open for Backyard Tire Fire?”

10/14/11

“Yes, Asperger’s is on this spectrum here that I’m pointing at with this pointy hand that I carved out of some construction planking.”

Later, Gil spreads Brody’s story over highballs. Mimi tries to employ logic and common sense, but she probably can’t dissuade Gil from his current path to destroying Brody’s life, especially since she’s presenting herself to Gil and begging him to bang her before he drinks his drinks and passes out, leaving her alone with her tiny edition of Looking For Mr. Goodbar.

10/15/11

Gil’s off strip scheme to get Azal Jazizzle deported must not be going well, so Azal gets to make another start and take part in some more completely befuddled “sports action”.

So long, Azal folks!

10/10/11

The only seemingly interesting thing within this comic is the way Gil’s legs are drawn in the third panel. I I find their warped play-doh-like stretchiness oddly hypnotic. How long can you stare at them for?

10/11/11

You may have thought it to be something worse, but our boy Brody here simply suffers from “Figure of Speech Dysplasia” in which he is unable to process any common turn of phrase (“How do you turn a phrase?”)

Later, as seen on Milford’s enormous life-sized screen TV, Gil blatantly lies to the foreign kid.

The Shroud Of The Wildcat Has Fallen. Begun, This Snoozefest Has.

10/7/11

“Do something about this kicking game, we must.”
“Why are you talking like that?”
“A Yoda thing, I am trying. Like it, do you?”
“Yeah. Hey thanks for your input. Look I gotta get somebody to explain Craig’s List to me. I think I’ll try to find a kicker on that. Then I’ll see if I can rent the movie Necessary Roughness. There was something in there about finding a hot chick to kick a ball.”
“There is no try…”
“Yeah, thanks Bill.”
“Wildcat, it is.”
“Okay, later I will smell you.”

Meanwhile, at Ed’s Diner…
10/8/11

Wildcat calls an impromptu meeting of his Booster inner circle. Soon, Gina the waitress will probably tell him to shut up because he’s disturbing the other diners with his blather. He’ll complain to Gina because everyone at the table has been nursing one cup of coffee and a couple bottles of Tabasco for an hour and a half.

“When I was captain of the Wildcats, I never waited for a refill!”
“Kiss my grits, Wildcat.”

Meanwhile, Gil stumbles aimlessly toward the next plot point with a lunch tray full of lunacy.

Even local soccer hooligans not desperately drunk enough to play for Gil

10/3/11

Why get Brody for whatever Brody costs when you can get Gus for just $1.99?

10/4/11

“Hey, I think I shoved that kid in a locker the other day for being different.”
“Neat. Hey weird kid! High five!”
“What five? Cows?”
“Score! So you’re a moron or something. You’ll fit right in on our team!”

10/5/11

Meanwhile, back at school: Gil has used the Google to look up  ”where can i find a kid to kick a ball?” and some mysterious thing called “soccer” showed up. Luckily he then managed to wander into the Local Soccer Office where the head  Soccer person keeps a Soccer poster about KICKING a Soccer ball on the wall, near his giant hovering Soccer sphere of mystery.

“Is this the Soccer Office?”
“Yes! However could you tell? Did you come to bring me a mug, so that I may give you one of my Soccer players in return?”
“Sorry pal, this is my mug. That’s why I hold it up so high. Wait, Soccer has players now?”

10/6/11

“Um…win the conference? What’s that’s like? Wait…soccer has a conference now? And guys? Focused guys? What is all this crap you’re talking about? I need to go lie down and look at my folders.”

Later…
“I know coach, let’s try something you already tried!”
“Who let you in here? Oh and yeah, I tried that already.”
“Wait you tried something? Who are you and what did you do with Coach Thorp? I need to rub my neck ’til lasers shoot out my eyes. If only we could hear about that Brody Abro soon, I’m getting tired of waiting for this plot to develop.”
“Fine. Can you go home now Tiger, I’d like to be alone with my cabinet full of empty folders that serve no purpose.”
“Hey, they’re just like you!”