Gil Thorp in The Bank Dick

2/9/12

“Parker’s tattoos are about school spirit?”
“So he says. I’m not convinced. I think I’ll go talk to Parker’s mother. Can you grab my “stickin’ my nose into stuff” blazer?”
“You mean the houndstooth Rockford Files one?”
“No that’s my “smackin’  down blowhards” sport coat. Jeez, do I have to remember everything around here?”
“Well, I guess you forgot to go to work. Don’t you like, have to be there for something?”
“Oh, I might swing by there later. Say, where is the Bank of Milford?”
“Um, it’s our bank Gil. You go by there a couple times a week to deposit checks, get cash, pay the mortgage, stuff like that!”
“Oh, um…shit.”
“What’s that, Gil?”
“Nothin’…look I’d better get down there and see what I can dig up on that tattoo kid.”

Later…
“Thank you for seeing me, Mrs. Bowen.”
“Thank you for making time during a school day.”
“Oh, it’s nothing. They generally don’t miss me over at the school until they haven’t seen me for two or three days. There’s plenty of wiggle room in my “office hours”.”
“So what can I do for you, Coach Thorp?”
“Oh yeah, what do you know about “mortgages”? Specifically, do I have one here?”
“I thought you were here to talk to me about my son.”
“Oh, right. Which one is your son, the bald one with the goggles or the one with the Armani gym socks?”
“No, my son is Parker, the one who’s getting all the tattoos since his father and I split up.”
“Oh right, tattoo kid. Yeah, he’s really kind of laying it on thick with the ink. Plus, he hasn’t been playing for crap lately.”
“Really coach? I didn’t know he was playing poorly. He doesn’t talk to me much. Do you think I should have him see a doctor? Aren’t there some health risks associated with tattoos?”
“Yeah herpes or shingles or something, maybe you should look into that. Hey what are these “home loans”? Do you loan money to people with homes? Can I get one?”

2/10/12

“It has been difficult since my husband left coach. I know Parker is hurting, but he won’t open up to me Coach Thorp. Do you think I should try and make time to get to some of his games? He does seem to enjoy basketball.”
“Yeah, but like I said, your son kind of sucks at it lately, so don’t expect much. I know I don’t.”
“What do you think I should do about the tattoos, Coach? What if they are just a way for him to mask the deep pain he feels over his father and I splitting up? How can I help him realize that he’ll have to live with these for the rest of his life?”
“I don’t know. Maybe you should have him look in a mirror to see how ridiculous he looks. Do you have any mirrors in your house?”
“What do you mean by that, Coach Thorp?”
“Oh, nothing. You are a handsome woman, Mrs. Blofeld.”
“It’s Bowen.”
“Right, Mrs. Bowen. Look I have to run. Um, is there any way you could send me something that tells me if I have any money here?”
“Do you mean a bank statement? I can pull up your account and see if you’re still getting one by mail? I can also set you up with statements by email, if you’d like.”
“Uh, yeah. Email me a bank statement. That sounds like a plan. I’ll swing back by later and pick that up.”

Later…
“Confidentially Tim, am I the last one to know about Parker’s Parent’s split?”
“How do I know what you don’t know that everyone else knows?”
“Aren’t you Confidentially Tim, the guy that knows who knows stuff?”
“The guy that knows who?…Please Coach, you’re not making sense, you’re standing kind of close and you kind of reek.”

“Parker hasn’t told us about the divorce. I heard it from Tasha Mercer.”
“Tasha’s our point guard, right?”
“No, Tasha’s this girl who heard about Parker’s parents’ divorce from Ransom the tattoo guy.”
“So this tattoo guy knows? What else does he know?”
“I don’t know, Coach maybe you should go ask him yourself.”
“Oh fer…don’t any of you people get that I’m not going to talk to the tattoo guy until sometime around the end of March. It’s still January.”
“It’s February, Coach.”
“February, huh? I think I have some Arby’s coupons I can use now. If anybody’s looking for me, I’ll be in my office. Good talk, Todd.”

Later…
“Oh hey Kaz, check this out. I’ve positioned all the things with my name on them on my desk so it displays my whole name. See? The mug says Gil and this plate here says Thorp. Gil Thorp. Neat, huh?”
“So what’s going on with Parker and all those tattoos? We makin’ any progress on that?”
“Sheesh, Bob. I’ve been workin’ on this desk thing all afternoon and, nothin?”
“Okay, it’s cool Gil, but seriously, we’ve got to get a lid on this tattoo stuff or before you know it, one of these kids is going to get a snake tattooed on his face. Then you know what happens?”
“No. What?”
“Our opponents will find out about it and come to the game dressed as snake charmers playing oboes and shit. Gil, I can’t take any more of this weird performance art in the stands. You know how I feel about that stuff.”
“Okay chill out. It’s not like it’s Mummenschanz or anything. Okay, so apparently Parker seems to be spilling his guts to this Ransom guy, who’s giving all these kids their tattoos. Now the way I see it, this Ransom probably senses that Parker’s feeling vulnerable because his parents are splitting up, so he’s taking advantage of him by selling him all these tattoos, you know, to sort of boost his self worth.”
“Geez Gil, that’s pretty smart. I didn’t know you had it in you?”
“Oh, I have my moments.”
“So we’re gonna go down and talk to this tattoo guy and strongly suggest that he leave our kids alone, right?”
“Whoa whoa whoa, slow down, Bob. It’s only February and I’ve got this whole stack of Arby’s coupons. We’ve got plenty of time to deal with that dude. Besides, my “smackin’ down blowhards” sport coat is still at the cleaners. What do you say you and me go grab us a couple Bacon Beef ‘n Cheddars?”