My Brother The Phasianid

1/5/13

We can deal with Scott Fowler later. Lets look at Marjie Ducie’s funky accessories: wrestling shoes, ankle socks and a big funky ass handbag that looks like the one Ruth Buzzi used to slap Arte Johnson with on Laugh-in (or the Milford Star couldn’t spring for a digital recorder and makes her haul around an old fashion reel to reel tape recorder with a shoulder strap.)

1/7/13

“Your leading scored – Scott Fowler. Will you autograph my toilet paper square, leading scorer Scott Fowler?”

“I know I’ve told you about the peacock and I told you ’bout the swans, that they live in the park.”
“What’s that, Boo?”
“Oh, nothing. Hey watch out! You might step in some fresh peacock news.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Sorry, I just think that the peacock is my brother Jay-bird, who used to HRAAK a lot, climb trees and shit on parked cars.”

1/8/13

So, Fowler genuinely feels this way? Okaaaay. Let’s enjoy the weird lighting and inside the car perspective reminiscent of Mary Worth and Dr. Jeff driving home from the Bum Boat.

Did You Enjoy The Pelican Roast?

1/2/13

P1: Great practice, Scott. Keep showin’ them your “giraffe”!

P2: Is that a Milford dad actually in the home? We don’t see that often. (Fowler’s utensil grip is pretty unorthodox. Don’t try that at home, kids!)

P3: Say your prayers, Meatwad! (“Say, Mom, what is this meat? It tastes kind of gamey.”)

1/3/13

P1: Hey, how did I get out here on the lawn? Why am I doing the sprinkler dance?

P2: Wait, the peacock thought it imagined Fowler? The Ford Taurus thought it imagined a peacock?

P3: Sports action! Thrilling dunks and vacant stares!

1/4/13

P1: Hey, you two in the back row! The action’s over here! Look, Fowler’s draining a 3!

P2: Flat-footed ref with hands on hips looks on, mildly interested.

P3: Marty Moon’s hairpiece is from the Herman Munster collection.

Strangling The Giraffe

01/01/13

Alright, the return of the fishnets!

I got your giraffe right here, Bobby? Sounds like something Dom Irrera would say. Hey, I’m talkin’ to my peacock, alright? You got a problem with that Bobby Whyiotta? Yeah, I got a whole safari hangin’ over here Otterpuss. You got a problem with that? You look hot in that fishnet and I don’t mean that in a gay way, isn’t that right, Frankie, you refugee from a Nagel print? I got a charging rhino over here, Bobboborino!

Calling Peafowl

12/26/12

Oh, so this is Mia Paige. Well, sorry Mia, I’ve been calling you Mia Meeks. A school can have multiple Mias, forgive me.

Enjoy the bus ride back to Syracuse, Bulldogs.

12/27/12

Scott Folwer continues to suck. What is his nickname: Boo? Babe? Blow-out Comb?
12/28/12

After sluggish outing against Solvay,
donned my jacket to hit the town.
Saw a jay-bird in the hedgerow,
but Mother Nature HRAAKed it down boys.
Mother Nature Hraaked it down

12/29/12

Oh, a peacock. That figures. Jay-bird has been reincarnated as a peacock. Note the similar hair style. Also note that the peacock just got done sliding down the slide. WEEEE! HRAAAK!

I hope that’s a real peacock and not some guy from Ohio.

Catch Up With Random Thoughts

12/19/12

P1: Shelby Hunter. Take her to The Bucket and hook her up to the rich dairy tube.

P2: The Bucket Featuring the Burger Plop.

P3: Mia Meeks. You’re up. Provide the sad back story of Scott’s ill fated little brother.

12/20/12

P1: Features background chow down by Hotdog McSportcoat.

P2: Loved bright colors. Loved to laugh. Loved walks in the rain. Loved mushing up his ice cream. Speaking of ice cream, take it easy on that shake, Shelby. You’re gonna suck your face right into that straw!

P3: Whoa Shelby, is that a milkshake or pipe bomb? (features drive-by by Flatty McSquarebutt) Oh, and Boo?

12/21/12

P1: Ms. Pinky, Jamjar, Screech and Phranc.

P2: Is that Scott getting de-tonsiled by the Corcoran player?

P3: Corcoran defender has a 360 degree rotating wrist?

12/22/12

P1: What are we looking at? Gil talking to the team? During a game? What is this strange practice?

P2: Boo Go Bonk!

P3: Step in, Kaz. Gil’s coaching gland is depleted already. Go over to Bonker McBoo and put your hand on his leg. No, your own leg. No wait, better just take an extra leg over there to put your hand on.

12/24/12

P1: Good game, Brian Keith.

P2: All the way from Sherwood Forest?

P3: A Paige Candy connection.

 

Thanks for enduring the laziest format. Happy Holidays everybody.

Shelby, Don’t Let Me See You Without A Cruller!

12/15/12

Here it is, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the revelation of the trouble that haunts Scott Fowler. Ugh, Jay-Bird?! What happened to Jay-Bird? Was he sent to the camp with the Thorp kids? Mauled by Jaxon the chimp boy at day care? It was Pennywise the Clown, wasn’t it?!

Also, nice pointing.

12/17/12

Aw shit, a dead kid. That’s just fucking great. The timing is bad, but ultimately not the fault of Rubin and Whigham. They will however be fully responsible for whatever acts they are about to perpetrate to teach us all about grief in a sensitive and respectful manner. (And not the leukemia? And not the leukemia. Really?! Help us.)

Please, give us a b-plot that we can do something with.

12/18/12

This is perfect. Bulk up, Shelby. Until then, we’ll use other options to set screens. Maybe we can recruit Bathsheba Butt (of the famous Butt Sisters). I hear she sets a mean screen.

Somebody Get Marty A Towel

12/12/12

“I swear Stefan, it’s like playing with a mannequin.”
“You mean like a super sexy store window fashion model mannequin that comes to life and you ride around on a moped with it and have sexy adventures?”
“That’s not what I meant at all! What the hell are you talking about?”
“I don’t know. You brought up playing with mannequins, freak!”

12/13/12

“What? We’re still talking about Scott Fowler.”
“Yes, Scott is the troubled youth of the winter plot. He’s tight lipped and only half there, like a mannequin.”
“Mannequin? Half there? What are we talking about?”
“You know.”
“I know?”
“I mean we all know. You know?”
“What do we know again?”
“You know, what we know about Scott Fowler, about his troubling ‘situation’.”
“Ah, the troubling ‘situation’. Of course, it all makes sense.”

Let’s leave the land of vague innuendo and revisit one of the great traditions of Milford sports, the recital of the team starters for media consumption. If you find these scenes painfully dull, just think how hard it is on Gil. He has to spend time with Marty and he has to remember all the kids’ names!

12/14/12

And then let’s leave that for another great Milford tradition, sexy times expositional dialogue with Gil and Mimi, which actually amounts to nothing more than additional vague innuendo. It’s not all a loss, though. Mimi pinching Gil’s nipple while asking about how big a load he gave to Marty is probably the funniest panel we’ve had around here in quite some time. I wonder if they’ll take any time to discuss whether to let the kids out of the crawlspace to celebrate the holidays.

Alright readers, what’s Scott Fowler’s problem? Why is he so hard to reach? What is he getting away from?

I’ll go first: Scott Fowler’s little sister, Agave Yoo-Hoo Fowler is a champion of the adolescent pageant circuit and their mother is an over the top “pageant mom” who has turned the family inside out to promote the career of their “meal ticket”.

Down Goes Fowler!

12/10/12

It’s officially basketball season, but first a nod to the difficult transitions that take place from one season to the next. The troglodytic Mudlarks must be reprogrammed to different sets of skills, which takes time and often leads to scores of injuries in the case of the grid-iron to hardwood switchover. You would think that the round ball (and the subversively sexy fishnet outerwear) would signal the shift, but mouth breathers like Harvey* and Ottewill need to be reminded of the general idea of the sport they are currently playing. This is called coaching and it involves yelling and the proper use of a whistle. No, Gil, you put it in your mouth.

“Coach? We’re over here. You’re talking to a whistle.”

12/11/12

As Gil goes back to his office to find the owners manual for his whistle, the scrimmage continues and it’s The Lord of the Flies time and Bobby Ottewill goes up…and brings the pain. It’s these fishnets! He hates these fishnets! His father probably used to dress up in fishnet hose and stage his own production of Bus Stop at family gatherings. It’s the simplest explanation for Bobby’s violent outbursts.

Neal Rubin has once again honored a member of the sports writing fraternity by naming a character Scott Fowler as a nod to the national award-winning sports columnist for The Charlotte Observer. You’ve made it Scott, like Rick Bozich and some other people that escape memory (and you got to be a sharp-shooting forward instead of a chubby student journalist. Bonus!)

*Stephan Harvey is shown unmarked again, so it would seem that the tattoos the kids got at Ransom Hale’s Tattoo and Legitimately Fake Bootleg DVD Emporium last season were temporary. (But the memories are forever!)