Today, Big Z burger. Tomorrow, hepatitis.

Woohoo, I made it back to post again in less than a week. Good thing I didn’t miss anything interesting, well, except one panel of freakish screaming Kaz.

To recap:

10/27/09

The locker room does seem remarkably loose for the fact that Duncan is about to crush a shirtless 18-inch-tall teammate. I guess he needs to be relaxed in order to successfully mount and rape his opponents on the field.

10/28/09

Now we know why Marty keeps showing up for football games: Free wi-fi connection for fast porn downloading! Certainly it’s not to pay any attention to Charles Bloom, recent inductee into “Milford’s most boring quarterbacks of the twenty-first century” club.

10/29/09

Marty’s portable shanty was the perfect spot to witness a fan get stabbed in the side of the head. Unfortunately, he was too busy watching porn to notice.

10/30/09

…and here we have the only interesting comic of the last six days or so. Let’s just look at Kaz and bask in all his freak hand glory. Then wonder why the field exploded as a result. Then feel sad that Jamarr appears to have survived the blast. Then take a well-deserved nap.

10/31/09

“Happy Halloween! I dressed up as a midget asshole!”
“You look the same as always.”
“Ah, touche.”

11/2/09

We interrupt this awful story of the lying midget asshole to let you know that today at The Bucket you can purchase a Big Z burger for only $3.99! Made from 100% Nutboys*, it’s guaranteed to not make you vomit for the first five bites, or your money back**.  Hey, that skinny band geek Deion likes ‘em! (At least he did, before his unscheduled one way trip to the morgue.)

Now back to the dialogue…wait that chick walked off already. Nevermind, there wasn’t really a story today anyway.

*Well that, plus a bunch of sawdust. Oh and rat droppings.
**Not a guarantee.

The Wolfman Cometh

10/13/09

As Bart Simpson once said, “George Burns was right. Show business is a hideous bitch goddess.” And by that I clearly mean “Keeping this damned blog up to date is hard. Especially when I care more about what ever happened to Mr. Bakst than anything that’s happened in the last two months time.”

Speaking of not that, it appears Wee Jam-Jar Jamkins is only about 12 inches tall and about to have his leg torn off by his giant stalkee! Look out Wee Jam-Jar!

10/14/09

“Wait, you mean to tell me he’s not drinking heavily AND not punching strangers in the face? I’m glad you saw me about this, kid. I’ll take care of the first problem, and my fine associate Kaz will take on the second.”

Later:
Kaz and Gil get bored at practice, because well, they’re actually at practice for some reason. So they decide to make stroke faces at each other until PUB opens.

10/15/09

Wait. You’re shittin’ me. The quarterback of the Jefferson Jeffs is named Murph Wolfman? MURPH WOLFMAN?? Why do recent storylines revolve around tools named Shep and Elmer and sometimes even Casper, and the quarterback who we’ll never hear about again after this game (so the next two days, two weeks, who knows?) has the most awesome name this side of Chest Rockwell?

I demand a spin-off comic involving wacky opposites Murph Wolfman and Mr. Bakst, as they track professional criminals through the mean streets of Charleston. And who knows? Maybe our old friend Kaz will stop by with a case of Nutboys! Perhaps then I’ get back to updating this hideous bitch goddess of a blog every day.

[Update after a few hours sleep: Yep. Apparently I read Wolman as "Wolfman". Wolman is really not as funny. So let's all agree that they said "wolfman", OK?]

A Workin’ by the Railroaders (all the live-long week)

10/5/09

“…Yep, and the doc also said the best way to heal the injury was to walk around rubbing my upper arm, and to carry around these lead weights everywhere.”
“Are you sure he’s a real doctor?”
“Sure, of course Skippy the Angry Janitor is a real doctor. He even showed me his degree from Cancun Tech!”

Then some other stuff happened.

10/6/09

Having hit rock bottom already by starting Charles Bloom at the start of the season, the Mudlarks are forced to dig themselves even deeper by trotting out a college golfer at QB.

Luckily nobody cares, as they’ve scheduled the game against the Newton Railroaders of Kansas. Hopefully when Milford is done stinking, Newton will be able to help ride them out of town on one of their spare rails.

10/7/09

Poor Kaz. Since Gil is busy skipping his AA meeting, and nobody told Coach Shaw that there was a game, he’s stuck to send the punting unit on the field every thirty seconds or so. By the time the Mudlarks start to wear down, the three bored shadow fans and Marty Moon have all gone home, leaving only Kaz and Skippy, who has a creepy habit of standing way too close to people, to watch the confusing game. So…many…appendages!

Ease up, dumbed-down Dunc!

10/2/09

The only thing of interest going on here (since we didn’t get to see Duncan finish kicking that guy’s ass) is the return of “ease up”! For previous “ease up” experiences at this blog, click here.

10/3/09

“Wait, why are we doing things at…half…speed? So nobody gets hurt?”
“Nah we could give a rat’s ass about that. The only downside to an injury is that then we have to see that loser trainer Rick Scott. Mainly we do it half…speed so that if Gil ever shows up (I know, I know, like that will happen…) we can be moving at a speed that his drunk ass can kinda follow. Now go crush that Charles Bloom wuss again, while he’s sitting on the bench. Smack him around like he was a bad driver. Just be sure you do it in slow motion.”
“Yes…sir.”

The great annual tradition of burning down the school continues!

9/15/09

Gil gives Robbbb Larue the halfback job because it’s the only name he currently remembers. What’s most shocking about today is the fact that Coach Shaw, (or “he of the inexplicably thick Billy Mays beard”) continues to have lines and/or opinions about things. Whigham was so surprised to have to draw him again that he just redrew the soulless pupil-free side shot from Friday, the added some retroactive exploding eyeball lines for good measure. Nice half-assin’, Whigham!

What will Robbbbb’s role be? Hopefully excitedly DOING 12-OUNCE CURLS! YEARRRGH!

9/16/09

This year’s post-apocalyptic nightmare bonfire is brought to you by Glenn Beck’s crazy-as-a-loon army of angry sheep! (“Where’s Gil’s birth certificate?!?”)

Followed by Gil’s annual doubts! (“How many weeks will they expect me to show up to games this year?”)

Followed by kickoff! (“Hello, Milford. Based on the past decade, your season is now over.”)

Gentlemen prefer booze

9/11/09

“…early ’90s. Which is coincidentally, the last time this team had a winning record and the last time I cared about showing up to games sober.”

9/12/09

Marty Moon has become such a pussy, why do I even bother?

9/14/09

Gil: Observations, gentlemen?
Skippy the Angry Janitor: I’m no gentleman. I’m the janitor.
Coach Shaw: Really, you want my opinion?…Wow, well first I’d say…
Gil: Shut the hell up. This meeting was for Kaz, Skippy and me. Why don’t you go clean the jock straps again?
Coach Shaw: Yes, sir.
Skippy: And bring us some more Irish coffee!
Kaz: Now that h’s gone, let’s get down to business. Did you notice that DT Duncan Daley’s doing a lot less drinking this year?
Gil: Yeah, last season he always had a handle of whiskey in his locker that we could swig from during these meetings, but it looks like he’s moved on to crack.
Shaw: At least the crack keeps him wicked focused on clobbering our awful runningbacks!
Gil: Who the f&*% let YOU back in here? Shaw, take a look at this chalkboard. I’ve written my liquor store shopping list on it. Now go and get everything RIGHT NOW before I have to beat you with a bottle again.
Shaw: Yes sir.
Skippy the Angry Janitor: Jeez. And they call me the angry one…

Where the f**k is Rico?

8/31/09

Well there was just so darned much action this last month, they couldn’t wrap everything up Sunday…so we have Monday’s wacky post-script: Gil and Kaz playing golf! Luckily, Gil held true to his promise to relax and be completely boring all summer so we really shouldn’t be surprised how lame August was. But what ever happened to Mr. Bakst’s trip to Charleston? (No really, what the hell was the point of that panel?!?)

As Gil refers that he’s ready for some football, I can only presume he means sitting on the couch and watching it on TV…I mean, It’s not like he has any other obligations, right?  Finally, it’s nice to see the summer wrap up like a wacky 1980’s sitcom. Can’t you just picture the credits rolling across the last freeze-framed panel?

9/1/09

And on to something new! I was gonna look up who the real Brock Reed is…but then I got sidetracked into the even more awesomely-named Brock Landers and his partner Chest Rockwell. I’m sure the new adventure won’t be as awesome as this video clip (note, NSFW, language), but then again, what is?

So Robbb”Too Many Bs” Laruebb is so bored he’s drinkin’ on the lawn, even while Brock Landers Reed breaks the law by texting while mowing (those crazy kids today!) Its a good thing Duncan Daley’s coming back for a good blowout…I hear he attacks high schools!

Poor Ted Catches a Stinkin’ Poll

8/21/09

Can I find a glimmer of interest in this? Sure, just take a line out of context:

“Every night. Poor Ted has to stay and be the catcher.”

Yeah that’s fun. Big fun, Coach Ted.

8/22/09

Nothing brings out a poll like a continually lame summer plot! So here ya go…