His Full Name Is Percy P. Cockburn

3/2/13

Clam down and show us da boid, Fowler!

What the hell? Dis loopy bastard wadn’t makin’ it up!

Wow, dat thing is awesome! If we follow it, will we find its pot of gold?
(Oh, yeah, it’s March already. March is the month when Bobby Ottewill starts thinking everything is a leprechaun.)

This installment of This Week in Milford is brought to you by aluminum siding. Aluminum siding, stick it in your comics to illustrate perspective and create horizontal interest. Even if the foreground subjects are sub-Scooby and the gang nutjobs running around practicing for their promising careers in petting zoos and third world amusement parks, aluminum siding draws the eye (and absorbs the impact of exploding eyeballs).

Grillin’ With Gil

2/25/13

Ric Devore really got the short end of the stick. Last season, he was a promising slender soph and this season, he’s just a pawn in a game of weeks late “coaching” by Gil Thorp. You still have next year to look forward to, Ric. Maybe you can come out of the closet, join the Backyard Tire Fire street team or get a mysterious recruiting letter from the College of Charleston.

Uh, Gil, have you heard of a little blog called This Week in Milford.
A blog? What is it?
It’s a kind of website with posts and comments, but that’s not important right now. Let’s just say that the ridiculousness of these developments almost killed a guy!
Killed a guy? Wow.
Okay, that was a bit of an exaggeration, but, seriously Gil. Try and keep up. Why don’t you take a day and sort it all out, then call in the “star” of this winter plot to recap the lesson he’s learned already and maybe rib him a little about how he’s responsible for the gullibility of his trogladytic teammates?

Calling Peafowl

12/26/12

Oh, so this is Mia Paige. Well, sorry Mia, I’ve been calling you Mia Meeks. A school can have multiple Mias, forgive me.

Enjoy the bus ride back to Syracuse, Bulldogs.

12/27/12

Scott Folwer continues to suck. What is his nickname: Boo? Babe? Blow-out Comb?
12/28/12

After sluggish outing against Solvay,
donned my jacket to hit the town.
Saw a jay-bird in the hedgerow,
but Mother Nature HRAAKed it down boys.
Mother Nature Hraaked it down

12/29/12

Oh, a peacock. That figures. Jay-bird has been reincarnated as a peacock. Note the similar hair style. Also note that the peacock just got done sliding down the slide. WEEEE! HRAAAK!

I hope that’s a real peacock and not some guy from Ohio.

One Week Megapost Of Apathy

11/26/12

Tied for first place in the Valley? OMG! Is Milford on the verge of winning title? We can barely contain our enthusiasm! Uh-oh! Some type of injury? OMG! Is Milford on the verge of not winning a title, aka doing what they have been doing forever?

11/27/12

Look at that sputtering offense! Is that guy sputter punting? Also, should there be some concern about losing Miles Paris to injury? We don’t know, because the relative skills and abilities of these players has taken a back seat to the Doyle Dane/Terry Gallagher Show this season.

aaaaand another “teachable moment”? Oh please, make this crap stop!

11/28/12

Seamless. Efficient. Anonymous. Boring. Unimaginative. Ho-hum. Repetitive. Trite. Punchless. Shallow.

Hey, are you pointing at us Boone? Should we “Go Milfo”?

11/29/12

“Hi, I’m Gil Thorp, your coach. You know, we might be able to win the conference title. Hey, has anything else been going on this season? Fill me in, guys.”
“Well, coach, Irish Kid started getting lots of…”
“Boring!”

Meanwhile, this domestic scene at the Gallagher’s is sure to be enough to make us all want to abandon this strip and go get thoroughly banjaxed! (Then we’ll totally “go Milfo”!)

11/30/12

“Son, no offense, but you’re a tool. A banjaxed tool. I don’t know this Ding Dong guy or what his strategy might be, but if you’ve been listening to him up until now, he must be a tool too. Maybe you might want to stop listening to him.”
“But, he has multiple prongs!”
“Son, he sounds like a major prong, a banjaxed prong.”

12/1/12

Sincerity, eh? I’m sincerely banjaxed with these eejits. Snore.

It’s Not Thanksgiving Without Blowback

Oh man, I am so full of stuffing and beer and then pie and then another layer of beer…what, oh, is this thing on, the blog thing with the coach of that Milford place with cookies and cufflinks, oh, yeah, blogging about that, right?

11/19/12

Cool, he’s playing Missile Command! Pew Pew! Quick, blast the Sputnik! Oh yeah right, the Irish kid who’s the sex machine to all the lad…I mean was the sex machine to all the ladies until those social media drummers started beating along with other percussionists of stuff that this strip’s creators are marginally aware of.

11/20/12

He’s blown a second eyeball, folks! A rare double explosion of the orbits! Is that why Terry is sashaying down the hall holding his books like Marsha Brady? And when did Gallags get the Hawkeye Pierce hair?

11/21/12

“Buh! Buh! Buh! Buh! I present my lunch tray, lads! Hows about some of that broseph time, gents?”
“Nah, man, if it’s all the same I’m gonna go. My girl is gonna shut down the magic kingdom if she sees me with you!”

“Ding Dong! How come I’m getting the bum’s rush, squire?”
“Blabbity blabbity marketing blabbity backlash, see a doctor bought those eyeballs blabbity.”

11/22/12

So, don’t believe your own hype?

What? Gravy shots? Yeah, I’ll be right there…..

 

Today’s winning referring search term is “sometimes i like to wear stretchy pants”.

There’s No I In Monotony

11/13/12

“The offensive line? Which ones are those? Those guys what throw all the flags at me? Those stripes are pretty offensive, but I’ve never seen them in a line. And who are you again? Where’d that other guy go, the older guy with the face like a clenched fist? He’s the one that told me to go out there and run around and hit people. I’m not sure I much like your pansy game anyway, Coach Freckles.”

11/14/12

Oooo, snappy inner thought comeback, Irish kid. There’s also an I in impetigo, Steve. Maybe you should have a doctor look at your face.  Maybe wash down those tackling dummies too.

Later… in the library, Terry Gallagher, with the plastic novelty hand. Is this the part where I yell “Clue” ? (I can’t remember how that game was played.)

11/15/12

“It’s annoying some people, like that guy you’ve been bearding around, what’s ‘is name, Cheep? Also that one armed guy with all the spots on his mug. Oh yeah and the zebra stripe guys. Plus that Dan Douche guy is annoying me with some jibba jabba I don’t even understand, but the ladies seem to be eating this act up with a spoon. That, my darling, is what I call a winning formula. Now if you didn’t call me here for a snog in Biographies, I think there’s a bird who’s keen for a bit of business over in Earth Sciences. Oh, and your eye looks funny. Don’t you people have National Health?”

Later…that’s okay, Cyndy. How were you supposed to know that he was really Iron Balls McGinty?

Those Bucket Fries Are So Tasty I Could Eat…One

10/17/12

One more panel of outer Bucket snogging folks and now the worm is turning. Irish footballer Terry Gallagher can reenter the Bucket and brag about the tremendous amounts of tail he’s going to get from his new found fame. Gosh and begorrah, a tool in the making.

Cyndy Canty (the goddess of basketball, since we’re gettin’ all legendary here) feeds Chip Visci a hand carved wooden french fry.

10/18/12

Now lets go visit the Jeffs, where we get a visit from Trainer Rick Scott drawing smiley faces on Safety Ric Devore’s knees or injecting horse tranquilizers into Safety Ric Devore’s knees, or whatever he does.

In game action, Milford catches a break when Jeff’s receiver Thurgood Peasprattle suffers involuntary elbow and wrist spasms right before his eyeballs explode.

10/19/12

Milford’s astonishing lack of depth is further revealed as is their luck in playing the Jeff’s, the clown princes of the Valley Conference. The Irishman is getting Bonk!ed on and off the field.

10/20/12

Yay, other guys doing actual football things for the Mudlarks, sealing a victory over the hapless Jeffs!

Now back to Doyle Dane Ding Dong Daddy, who’s gonna spin this crap three ways to Sunday. Why? Why no? This s what is is gang and the TWIM crew lacks the skill of Ding Dong to make anything of this dog turd of a plot.

Will the one armed coach start punching players? Are the Gallaghers from Detroit? We got nothin’

If You Wanna Be Steve, Be Steve!

7/26/12

Wait, there’s a Papa Boone? Well, why doesn’t he get off his duff and inspire Steve to quit staring at the ceiling, behind the door, wishing he hadn’t been born a lefty. Oh yeah, because good ol’ Coach Thorp will fix him up for them.

I can never say this enough: The parenting in Milford sucks. Now, back to some amputee humor.

7/27/12

This is a complicated head space that Steve Boone is at here. So, for the sake of humor, let’s focus on the hideous fashion statement made by Handshake Hank: Bucket hat, sweater vest, extra relaxed fit jorts, mid calf white tube socks and, um, perhaps low profile Crocs?

7/28/12

“But nothing I ever planned for in my life ever looked like this.“
“What, a nine iron?”
“No, you old alkie, I meant walking around with one arm. Jeez, you’re dumber than I remember.”
“Say, Steve, you’ve got a kid brother right? One of these goofy choads that lug bags around this dump, right? That practically makes you a coach. I got a proposition for you, son.”

I think I’d like to make a rock opera out of this:

All I want to be is Steve
I’m asking you to believe
I’m striving to survive
Now watch this freakin’ driiive!