3/27/13
So far this season, we’ve woven a rich tapestry out of naming the Mudlarks defensive starters. This could take some time. Does Gary Bowers play first when Scott Fowler is pitching? Who plays right when Bobby Ottewill is pitching? Maybe Gil will reveal the name of the starting catcher during sexy time with Mimi.
3/18/13
Backtracking huh? Watchu talkin’ ’bout Rubin?
So does the accident victim now own the Speed Co.? Is he getting ready to start selling synthetic Nutboys to kids. Maybe the victim’s kid will be on the baseball team and try to sue the school when he slips running out a grounder (because Steve Luhm left a puddle when he was mopping the base paths before practice). Maybe we’ll meet an unpleasant attorney and this season will be an opportunity to explore the slip-n-fall epidemic in Milford.
Stay tuned…
12/15/12
Here it is, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the revelation of the trouble that haunts Scott Fowler. Ugh, Jay-Bird?! What happened to Jay-Bird? Was he sent to the camp with the Thorp kids? Mauled by Jaxon the chimp boy at day care? It was Pennywise the Clown, wasn’t it?!
Also, nice pointing.
12/17/12
Aw shit, a dead kid. That’s just fucking great. The timing is bad, but ultimately not the fault of Rubin and Whigham. They will however be fully responsible for whatever acts they are about to perpetrate to teach us all about grief in a sensitive and respectful manner. (And not the leukemia? And not the leukemia. Really?! Help us.)
Please, give us a b-plot that we can do something with.
12/18/12
This is perfect. Bulk up, Shelby. Until then, we’ll use other options to set screens. Maybe we can recruit Bathsheba Butt (of the famous Butt Sisters). I hear she sets a mean screen.
7/2/12
Quickly becoming one of This Week in Milford‘s least favorite annual traditions, it’s that day in early July that Gil makes hilarious jokes about just how damned tough it is to spend his summer teaching nimrod rich kids to play golf. Yeah, we get it. You’re a lucky bastard.
This year the Thorps up the ante a bit by friskily talking about their kinky S&M sex life that nobody wants to hear about. Stay tuned July 8th, 2013, when they try to top this year with a day of full-on bangin’ action that nobody wants to see! (Admit it, even if you were morbidly curious, the depiction of ThorpSex™ by Whigham would make your head do this.)
7/3/12
Last year’s golf plot was so forgettable, I had to look up what it was about. (Answer: FOOZLE and DRUNK MOM).
This year we can look forward to Fat Timmy, the kid with a starter mullet who talks to his front door and calls it “Steve.” I can’t wait! Can you, Lanny Penn?
5/17/12
Whoa! Darby, watch where you point that thing! You’ll traumatize Big Bob Stuff with your penis finger. Speaking of fingers, Mrs. Kiser’s doing some suggestive pointing of her own. I’ll just ignore the dialogue and assume she’s pointing to her chest and laying a heavy guilt trip on Darby for the ruination of her once proud chest as well as the fresh claw marks from the chimp beast.
5/18/12
Speaking of guilt trips, Big Bob is scamming a classic guilt date with Darb…and he’s proud of himself.
Meanwhile, Mimi shows off her plywood kitchen: plywood cabinets, plywood highball glasses, plywood coffee mugs, etc. It’s a Homer Formby wet dream in there.
5/19/12
All right, exposition to explain the hazy non-action at the softball brawl, but not just any exposition, Gil and Mimi smokey gazes exposition, the finest kind!
And somewhere across town, tongues are wagging about the tramp, her chimp and the havoc they have unleashed on the generally tame and ignored world of Milford softball.
3/9/12
Wow, two days and two “big reveals”. The Rupert Hall from Dayton reveal was a delightfully unexpected and daffy and frankly, pretty damned awesome. So that’s a huge This Week in Milford win.
Today’s reveal: these DVDs aren’t illicit! They are repackaged, used copies of legitimately produced and sold DVDs! Well that’s just insane. Insane because it makes no logical sense. Nice racket? It actually sounds like the stupidest, least profitable racket I’ve ever heard of. The potential for this racket to succeed hinges upon compulsively stupid buyers. (Hey, didn’t I just see copies of that DVD at Movie Stop in the 3 for $10 bin? Yeah, but I wanna buy this one for $10. It’s a bootleg! That makes it better!)
What drives idiocy home further is that, if it’s the sheen of illegality that makes these “bootlegs” so attractive, why not do what every other teen in the world does and just download the movies through bit torrent? Wouldn’t that be better (cooler, cheaper, more “gangsta”) than having to hand your allowance to Rupert? Conclusion: kids in Milford are Homer Simpson stupid. They don’t grasp technology and they are easily swayed by puffed up weirdos.
Speaking of puffed up weirdos, nothing says Gil Thorp like Gil taking a righteous stand based on something as flimsy as what has been revealed this week. You’re right Rupe, you’ve done nothing illegal. But you are exploiting the youth of Milford by playing on their stupidity and naivete and Gil will not stand for that. That’s Gil’s racket.
3/10/12
So from the dizzying heights of stupidity, there’s nowhere to go but down as Gil’s smack down comes to it’s sanctimonious and stultifying conclusion. But wait, Rod Whigham saves the day with the final panel of Gil and Kaz reprising the roles of Danny Zucco and Kenickie from Grease. I’ll bet their gonna go work on Greased Lightning, then see if they can score with some assorted Pink Ladies!
This Week in Milford
so woefully overdue?
Let’s rock some haiku!
12/5/11
A Milford Storefront
Needle-riffic plot begins
Wait…Brody Abro?
12/6/11
Mr. Ransom Hale
says to tell all your friends, mate.
If I just had friends.
12/7/11
That Marshall Lopat…
he aint no Lini Verde.
But hey, what nice tits!
12/8/11
It’s superfluous
and grandiloquent, is it?
You mean this comic?
My quick post-mortem on the 2011 summer of madness lameness: I’d like to imagine we’ll never see ol’ Kenny Lark again. But then we thought that about Kemper Peake, Elmer Vargas, Steve Luhm…the list goes on and on. Most anyone we hoped would stay gone has a pesky knack for reappearing. So I’m sure Kenny will be back to ruin next summer. At least we’ll be prepared this time.
Oh and I’m convinced that Chief Whigham has been creating crazy onomatopoeia words just to keep himself from slipping into a summer coma. FOOZLE!
8/29/11
Panel 1′s ominous beginning: Superman hurtles straight down toward Earth at lightning speed, as an early and blatant reminder that this plot is destined to crash horribly into the Earth, creating an enormous crater that will eventually destroy all life on this planet as we know it. Hold on, Asian Mom… what cows? Say, are you my Asian mom?
Brody Abro? Neal has officially run out of friends who want to be name dropped when Google only returns this on a name search. Welcome, new Milford moron. Or as you will now be referred to: Brody D. Abro, D student.
Meanwhile, Gil’s attempts to get free coaching are becoming more and more elaborate: Now he’s managed to convince the cable repairman to stay for a cup of coffee. Which is of course laced with roofies. When Mark wakes up, he’ll be half lobotomized and chained to the goal post. Also known as “pulling a Cully Vale.”
8/30/11
Oh crap, not the retirement of retired Assistant Coach Mark Tabor!!! Um, wait, who?
I’m pretty positive I’ve never seen this Tabor guy in five years of writing about this comic. (Though now that I think about it, I guess he’s been lurking around in his secret occasional guise of Skippy the Angry Janitor.) So why would he bother to go tell Gil that he was going to continue to not show up as an unpaid assistant coach, because he’d rather go euthanize his 120-year-old parents than spend another day not coaching for free? Oh that’s right, because Gil has some eerie hold on the Milford townsfolk, hypnotizing them to do his slave labor bidding. And Gil clearly wants Mark Tabors’ parents out of the picture. Sorry old Tabors. Gil needs that handicapped parking spot.
It appears Superman crash landed faster than I expected.
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