Reason for hospitalization….falling on a hot dog?

11/6/09

As comic voyeurs we should normally get any angle on a prison fight that would provide the most exciting view. But apparently today we got here late and some other dude is standing in our way. C’mon, move it #3128! I wanna see them whipping out their beef at chow time, and thwacking each other ’til somebody collapses on the floor. Hmmm, on second thought, whatever “drilling” is going on might be best blocked from view. (Aughh my eyes! The goggles, they do nothing!)

11/7/09

As is customary in the North Carolina penal system, rather than contacting any relatives directly, immediately after a prison fight the warden calls the high school coach of any family members, to let them know which hospital to visit. And then the loser assistant coach has to be their chauffeur. Just following standard procedure here, folks.

11/9/09

Since nothing new is happening here, why not look at some hospital comics from three years ago, when Bill Ritter chopped his own leg off? Remember when stuff happened? And the artwork was more insanely fascinating? Ah, the good ol’ days…

Beef, it’s what’s for dinner in prison. Also, sodomy.

So we’re back to getting teased with a potential fight in a North Carolina prison, which in context of everything else in Milford lately, is extremely exciting. No doubt that means this side plot will end up in massive disappointment. Oh well, I’ll take what I can get.

Now I’m no expert on prison lingo, but I find it hard to fathom that these guys would be using the word “beef” so much, except in the context of the showers.

More importantly, how did Curly Neal end up in prison, and why is he playing grab-ass with a legless inmate? (Hmm, maybe the second question helps answer the first…)

Speaking of implied sodomy, watch out shadow guy #2, shadow guy #1 has somethin’ for ya when you set that dumbbell back down!

Gonna Need a Montage

Yesterday, alert reader Mike Barfet pointed out that Jam-Jar Lameass’s 98 yard punt return was really not a record. While this would first seem like a real error, we can chalk this up to Marty being a sloppy, careless, porn-addicted drunk who lives in his wooden broadcast booth shanty, at least during football season.

However, there are a couple other things bothering me about the current plot that DO seem like mistakes…or at least don’t make a lick o’ sense. First: Is Duncan now “cured” based on his idiot blond friends telling him they’d help him “be a Boy Scout”, going square dancing and to high-roller croquet tournaments and the like? [Pointless sidebar:] I joined the Scouts in order to start possibly dangerous fires in the woods and terrorize small wildlife, but I don’t think trees exist in Milford except for small children to be trapped in, so the whole nature aspect of the Boy Scouts must be lost on these guys.  [End pointless sidebar...]

So if participating in a few wacky-yet-lame activities is really all it took to turn Duncan from brooding violent loner to happy and lame as everyone else, I feel robbed that we didn’t get to see any of these exciting life-altering experiences. They really needed a montage for this.

Second thing that really bothers me today: What the hell is Gil doing in the third panel? If I didn’t know better, I’d say he was doing COACH WORK. But I do know better. So my guess is he’s figuring out how he can bet on 5-0 Madison to beat  his team Friday without getting busted. Plus drinkin’ Irish coffee. Your guess?

Today, Big Z burger. Tomorrow, hepatitis.

Woohoo, I made it back to post again in less than a week. Good thing I didn’t miss anything interesting, well, except one panel of freakish screaming Kaz.

To recap:

10/27/09

The locker room does seem remarkably loose for the fact that Duncan is about to crush a shirtless 18-inch-tall teammate. I guess he needs to be relaxed in order to successfully mount and rape his opponents on the field.

10/28/09

Now we know why Marty keeps showing up for football games: Free wi-fi connection for fast porn downloading! Certainly it’s not to pay any attention to Charles Bloom, recent inductee into “Milford’s most boring quarterbacks of the twenty-first century” club.

10/29/09

Marty’s portable shanty was the perfect spot to witness a fan get stabbed in the side of the head. Unfortunately, he was too busy watching porn to notice.

10/30/09

…and here we have the only interesting comic of the last six days or so. Let’s just look at Kaz and bask in all his freak hand glory. Then wonder why the field exploded as a result. Then feel sad that Jamarr appears to have survived the blast. Then take a well-deserved nap.

10/31/09

“Happy Halloween! I dressed up as a midget asshole!”
“You look the same as always.”
“Ah, touche.”

11/2/09

We interrupt this awful story of the lying midget asshole to let you know that today at The Bucket you can purchase a Big Z burger for only $3.99! Made from 100% Nutboys*, it’s guaranteed to not make you vomit for the first five bites, or your money back**.  Hey, that skinny band geek Deion likes ‘em! (At least he did, before his unscheduled one way trip to the morgue.)

Now back to the dialogue…wait that chick walked off already. Nevermind, there wasn’t really a story today anyway.

*Well that, plus a bunch of sawdust. Oh and rat droppings.
**Not a guarantee.

Catawba Prison Blues

10/23/09

Yeah, Gil.You should have told him to start drinking and getting into fights. Mimi’s idea is much better than whatever your bad advice was.

10/24/09

Discussion of bowling, boy scouts, square dancing and croquet by hideous scar-faced teens is about to be interrupted by A PRISON FIGHT. Woo-hoo!

10/26/09

Minor beef? Lame. Or is that just what’s for dinner? Looks like whatever they’re serving is getting washed down with yummy Sticks o’ Lard*.

Meanwhile, something that is apparently hilarious at practice, though the only funny thing I can make out is that Gil is in attendance. And that’s not ha-ha funny. At least now we know massive psychological problems can be easily swept under the rug by having your friends take you for some occasional croquet. Rockin’.

*Now 93% Nutboy free!

The Wolfman Cometh

10/13/09

As Bart Simpson once said, “George Burns was right. Show business is a hideous bitch goddess.” And by that I clearly mean “Keeping this damned blog up to date is hard. Especially when I care more about what ever happened to Mr. Bakst than anything that’s happened in the last two months time.”

Speaking of not that, it appears Wee Jam-Jar Jamkins is only about 12 inches tall and about to have his leg torn off by his giant stalkee! Look out Wee Jam-Jar!

10/14/09

“Wait, you mean to tell me he’s not drinking heavily AND not punching strangers in the face? I’m glad you saw me about this, kid. I’ll take care of the first problem, and my fine associate Kaz will take on the second.”

Later:
Kaz and Gil get bored at practice, because well, they’re actually at practice for some reason. So they decide to make stroke faces at each other until PUB opens.

10/15/09

Wait. You’re shittin’ me. The quarterback of the Jefferson Jeffs is named Murph Wolfman? MURPH WOLFMAN?? Why do recent storylines revolve around tools named Shep and Elmer and sometimes even Casper, and the quarterback who we’ll never hear about again after this game (so the next two days, two weeks, who knows?) has the most awesome name this side of Chest Rockwell?

I demand a spin-off comic involving wacky opposites Murph Wolfman and Mr. Bakst, as they track professional criminals through the mean streets of Charleston. And who knows? Maybe our old friend Kaz will stop by with a case of Nutboys! Perhaps then I’ get back to updating this hideous bitch goddess of a blog every day.

[Update after a few hours sleep: Yep. Apparently I read Wolman as "Wolfman". Wolman is really not as funny. So let's all agree that they said "wolfman", OK?]

Trees are stupid

10/8/09

10/9/09

So it seems Duncan has an anger management problem. Or at the very least hates trees. But I mean everyone hates trees. So smug, just standing there like they’re better than you. Makes me wanna smash… but I digress.

A Workin’ by the Railroaders (all the live-long week)

10/5/09

“…Yep, and the doc also said the best way to heal the injury was to walk around rubbing my upper arm, and to carry around these lead weights everywhere.”
“Are you sure he’s a real doctor?”
“Sure, of course Skippy the Angry Janitor is a real doctor. He even showed me his degree from Cancun Tech!”

Then some other stuff happened.

10/6/09

Having hit rock bottom already by starting Charles Bloom at the start of the season, the Mudlarks are forced to dig themselves even deeper by trotting out a college golfer at QB.

Luckily nobody cares, as they’ve scheduled the game against the Newton Railroaders of Kansas. Hopefully when Milford is done stinking, Newton will be able to help ride them out of town on one of their spare rails.

10/7/09

Poor Kaz. Since Gil is busy skipping his AA meeting, and nobody told Coach Shaw that there was a game, he’s stuck to send the punting unit on the field every thirty seconds or so. By the time the Mudlarks start to wear down, the three bored shadow fans and Marty Moon have all gone home, leaving only Kaz and Skippy, who has a creepy habit of standing way too close to people, to watch the confusing game. So…many…appendages!