The Rube has better things to do.

Somewhere in Detroit:

Neal: Sorry. Had to go write today’s Gil Thorp.
Chief: Not that you actually need to do anything.You could just recap the same awful story. Then I’ll draw prisoners in tight pants for some disturbing reason. I mean really, who cares about this comic?
Neal: A comic? The Rube has better things to do.
(An awkward high five is exchanged.)

It’s also lunchtime at a certain minimum security blog, where one particular blogger is into the third year of his life sentence:

Jason: I sure hope everyone notices my Izod shirt and extra tight pants! Otherwhise I’ll have a beef with them. Or wait…will they beef me? In any case, I’ll beef sure to beef the beef beefingly beefore beef-o-clock. BEEEEEEF!

Today, Big Z burger. Tomorrow, hepatitis.

Woohoo, I made it back to post again in less than a week. Good thing I didn’t miss anything interesting, well, except one panel of freakish screaming Kaz.

To recap:

10/27/09

The locker room does seem remarkably loose for the fact that Duncan is about to crush a shirtless 18-inch-tall teammate. I guess he needs to be relaxed in order to successfully mount and rape his opponents on the field.

10/28/09

Now we know why Marty keeps showing up for football games: Free wi-fi connection for fast porn downloading! Certainly it’s not to pay any attention to Charles Bloom, recent inductee into “Milford’s most boring quarterbacks of the twenty-first century” club.

10/29/09

Marty’s portable shanty was the perfect spot to witness a fan get stabbed in the side of the head. Unfortunately, he was too busy watching porn to notice.

10/30/09

…and here we have the only interesting comic of the last six days or so. Let’s just look at Kaz and bask in all his freak hand glory. Then wonder why the field exploded as a result. Then feel sad that Jamarr appears to have survived the blast. Then take a well-deserved nap.

10/31/09

“Happy Halloween! I dressed up as a midget asshole!”
“You look the same as always.”
“Ah, touche.”

11/2/09

We interrupt this awful story of the lying midget asshole to let you know that today at The Bucket you can purchase a Big Z burger for only $3.99! Made from 100% Nutboys*, it’s guaranteed to not make you vomit for the first five bites, or your money back**.  Hey, that skinny band geek Deion likes ‘em! (At least he did, before his unscheduled one way trip to the morgue.)

Now back to the dialogue…wait that chick walked off already. Nevermind, there wasn’t really a story today anyway.

*Well that, plus a bunch of sawdust. Oh and rat droppings.
**Not a guarantee.

Game occurs. All three fans can’t bear to watch.

10/16/09

Valerie reacts to this game the same way we all are. Though in fairness to Jam-Jar, the only other person he could have dedicated the touchdown to was the weird in a suit with a bucket on his head.

10/17/09

Poor Murph “Wolfman” Wolman. He had to play the whole game behind a guy who snaps the ball out of the back of his skull. Who know back-ass-wards Pez dispensers could play center?

But wait…the game will go on into next week. Cry quietly to yourselves.

10/19/09

Hooray for the Wolfman! Despite his Mr. Potato Head arms, he holds onto the ball for the score and wins the game! Thanks a lot, Dumkin. Trees of Milford beware the post-game rampage.

Trees are stupid

10/8/09

10/9/09

So it seems Duncan has an anger management problem. Or at the very least hates trees. But I mean everyone hates trees. So smug, just standing there like they’re better than you. Makes me wanna smash… but I digress.

A Workin’ by the Railroaders (all the live-long week)

10/5/09

“…Yep, and the doc also said the best way to heal the injury was to walk around rubbing my upper arm, and to carry around these lead weights everywhere.”
“Are you sure he’s a real doctor?”
“Sure, of course Skippy the Angry Janitor is a real doctor. He even showed me his degree from Cancun Tech!”

Then some other stuff happened.

10/6/09

Having hit rock bottom already by starting Charles Bloom at the start of the season, the Mudlarks are forced to dig themselves even deeper by trotting out a college golfer at QB.

Luckily nobody cares, as they’ve scheduled the game against the Newton Railroaders of Kansas. Hopefully when Milford is done stinking, Newton will be able to help ride them out of town on one of their spare rails.

10/7/09

Poor Kaz. Since Gil is busy skipping his AA meeting, and nobody told Coach Shaw that there was a game, he’s stuck to send the punting unit on the field every thirty seconds or so. By the time the Mudlarks start to wear down, the three bored shadow fans and Marty Moon have all gone home, leaving only Kaz and Skippy, who has a creepy habit of standing way too close to people, to watch the confusing game. So…many…appendages!

Ease up, dumbed-down Dunc!

10/2/09

The only thing of interest going on here (since we didn’t get to see Duncan finish kicking that guy’s ass) is the return of “ease up”! For previous “ease up” experiences at this blog, click here.

10/3/09

“Wait, why are we doing things at…half…speed? So nobody gets hurt?”
“Nah we could give a rat’s ass about that. The only downside to an injury is that then we have to see that loser trainer Rick Scott. Mainly we do it half…speed so that if Gil ever shows up (I know, I know, like that will happen…) we can be moving at a speed that his drunk ass can kinda follow. Now go crush that Charles Bloom wuss again, while he’s sitting on the bench. Smack him around like he was a bad driver. Just be sure you do it in slow motion.”
“Yes…sir.”

The douchiest douche that ever douched

9/30/09

10/1/09

OK, so we now know that Duncan is secretly a bad-ass ninja. Which is awesome. But we also now confirm that Robbb is the new King of Douche-Town. If you recall (or even if you don’t), Robbbb spent last spring hanging around with Chump Drumbo and was constantly amused by his awful salt shaker antics. But then Robbbbb realized that he would rather be Supreme Douche rather than just Assistant Douche, and thus turned Chump-bo in for something about a cellphone or something.

Now he drives around like an asshole, then goads other drivers into fights in which he doesn’t participate. And then tries to goad Duncan into even further violence. Douchy indeed! So of recent douches of Milford, which I think would be every main character for the last two years, who do you think is the real king? Robbbbb, Shemp-o? Bryce Larkin? Matt the Hatt? Elmer Vargas? Andrew Gregory? (It’s sad how long this list is.  Maybe the Franklin Mint should come out with a collectible plate series for these guys.)

The great annual tradition of burning down the school continues!

9/15/09

Gil gives Robbbb Larue the halfback job because it’s the only name he currently remembers. What’s most shocking about today is the fact that Coach Shaw, (or “he of the inexplicably thick Billy Mays beard”) continues to have lines and/or opinions about things. Whigham was so surprised to have to draw him again that he just redrew the soulless pupil-free side shot from Friday, the added some retroactive exploding eyeball lines for good measure. Nice half-assin’, Whigham!

What will Robbbbb’s role be? Hopefully excitedly DOING 12-OUNCE CURLS! YEARRRGH!

9/16/09

This year’s post-apocalyptic nightmare bonfire is brought to you by Glenn Beck’s crazy-as-a-loon army of angry sheep! (“Where’s Gil’s birth certificate?!?”)

Followed by Gil’s annual doubts! (“How many weeks will they expect me to show up to games this year?”)

Followed by kickoff! (“Hello, Milford. Based on the past decade, your season is now over.”)