The Most Hated T-Shirt At The Bucket

9/22/09

Yay! Milford wins! Marty can hitch the booth back up to the El Camino and haul it back to the motor court. Those of you waiting for a cameo of the Oakwood coach Tod Andrews will have to wait until next year (or perhaps the playdowns?!) Instead, please enjoy this Marjie Ducey interview with Gil which reveals that Gil blacked out some time in the first quarter. Gil spouts off about the last play he can remember and doesn’t respond to Marjie’s actual question: “Coach Thorp, can you explain the smashed-in, grass stained right side of you face and the foul stench eminating from your pants?”

Meanwhile, at the Bucket…

Duncan models another band T-shirt. At first, I thought he was wearing an Esprit T-shirt, which were popular with girls back when I was in high school, which would have been weird, but interesting. Upon further review, I’m going to assume that the T-shirt is for The Despised. I did the required seconds of research to learned that The Despised is a hardcore band which calls themselves “the most hated band in Atlanta” among other colorful slogans. Compared to Duncan’s closet full of Sonic Youth wear, that’s pretty obscure. My bet is that this is actually product placement and that the Despised sent Neal (or Rod) a case of beer to get their name in the strip. They probably had a few stipulations, like “whoever’s wearing our T-shirt needs to be a mean looking dude and he should be surrounded by some real skanks”. Close enough, I guess.

So how will we tell the difference between mitts and freak hands??

So it turns out that Bill Hawkins is in charge of breaking up disturbing games of grab-ass during stretching exercises. At first, I figured it was pretty lame that he needed to be all serious and act as if he was in charge, but then I remembered Gil never shows up to practice…so better Opie in charge than some creepy old man, right?

So who are LF Shep Trumbo and RF Robb Larue? According to Google, they may not even exist. But whichever grabb-asser is the dark-haired one seems to be thinking Neal Rubin’s secret thoughts.

And what’s with the hats this season? Are the Ms black or white? Are they mood hats?

Do You Think About Me Now And Then? ‘Cause I’m Coming Home Again

10/27/08

Wally and Betsy Lamb are not going to be in time for the start of the game. We don’t know where Von Haney and Nick Zollar are. They probably got all liquored up after Yale lost to Penn and might wake up some time around Monday.

But lets move on to Milford’s big homecoming match-up with Central. According to Marty Moon, Central’s chief weapon is halfback Mario DiDomenico, who’s also Senior Vice President, General Manager-Engineered Products for the Colfax Corporation. (You know them. Portland Valve, Zenith Pumps, Lubrication Systems Company. They’re all about the fluid handling.) I guess that’s our fluid handling VP in Panel 3 breaking free and getting ready to punish number 18 for Milford. (Maybe this isn’t one of Neal’s friends. Maybe Chief Whigham threw all that in Marty’s word balloon in Panel 2 so he wouldn’t have to draw any hands on the whooping-it-up fan.)

Since we have a Marty Moon sighting, let’s see what he presents us with today. Fairly standard looking headset/microphone combo. Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan era Federation issued turtleneck. Cryptic scrawled notes. Travel coffee mug (full of Jagermeister).

Ned Ryerson

The Real Jeff Ponczak

This Milford football team is sure a lot better than last year’s, isn’t it? I think the key is that the old QB, Tony Casey, along with LG Howard Gourwitz, are now gone. (Since they spent all their free time Googling themselves rather than practicing football, it wasn’t hard to be an improvement really…) Also if you look closely, you’ll notice homosexual lumberjack Story Hicks is in the crowd today.

So now there’s a party or something. And Matt Rogers is wearing his dumb hat. And someone named Trisha Jones is mentioned. Since nothing is really going on here, why not go read this interesting story: a tribute to the real Jeff Ponczak, who passed away in June of complications from a congenital heart defect.

Insert Polish Sausage Joke Here

My favorite new character: Jeff Ponczak’s hot Polish mom! “Hung like horse you are, now? Then let us strap this on you and go for fast ride we shall! Be fun it will very much!“

My least favorite new character: A tie between Matt “the retard who nicknames himself something stupid and also wears a silly hat” Rogers and his transvestite girlfriend. Please no more close-ups, Mr. DeMille! I guess Matt has a bit of upside in that he could drop dead at any second. But alas, odds are he won’t.

Hey, didn’t you used to google new names of characters so I didn’t have to?
Oh yeah, I guess I did. Like Stacie Hiller (alive) , Jeff Ponczak (deceased) or “Douchebag in Dick Tracy hat” (scroll to the second pic…). I tried “Hot Polish mom” as well, but I think I’ll keep those links to myself.

Piedra, Papel, Tijeras!

Today’s post is sponsored by the Law Offices of Kaplovitz & Associates P.C.!
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After the line between the Thorpiverse and reality is blurred yet again, the Vargas family returns to Milford, where a suddenly creepy stalkeriffic Brendan-Oyl waits outside of their home, having never heard of a “telephone.” In order to further weird everyone out, she insists on speaking in Spanish, even though her BFF* doesn’t speak Spanish and Mr. Vargas always answers in English (“Ix-nay on the Exican-May! You want to blow our cover, gringa?” ) In order to further build tension, the two engage in an extremely violent game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. If Brendan wins, she gets to replace the doormat with one that says “Bienvenido!”

* Boring Foreign Friend

KAZ-BOT has a posse

Jason has left the safe confines of the blog-o-sphere for a few days. In his absence the recently paroled automatic Gil Thorp blogging robot KAZ-BOT will be filling in! 

KAZ-BOT just googled “KAZ-BOT” and discovered there are eerily other KAZ-BOTs out there. Including MySpace KAZ-BOT and reading KAZ-BOT. At least all KAZ-BOTs share similar interests, such as beer, global conflict and track jackets.

Rotary Club Fever: Catch It!

4/12/08

First, I’m just going to presume that’s not Coach Kaz talking to Gil-Hulk there. (If it turns out it is, which would be an utter catastrophic travesty, I will insist that you, fair readers, barrage Mr. Whigham with mail alerting him to the fact that our lovable Kaz MUST be featured with hulking super muscles, Heatmeister hair and most of all pearl earrings!)

Next…Rotary Club meeting? Kids singing the National Anthem? Some sort of award? Apparently “getting more involved” means Gil is going to find the most boring local activities possible. To punctuate the utter lameness of it all, Jim Gross is portrayed as pre-stached FOOB Granthony! Yuk. At least one of the other sleepy choir members is wearing pearl earrings (or has a Cully-stein bolt in the side of her head?)

So is the Rotary Club in fact a club for local citizens who got their hands caught in rotary blades?

4/14/08

Antonio Vargas, either a professor, a key grip, or a wanted criminal, depending on who you ask, wins some sort of boring award presented by Stone Cold Steve Austin. Then some other guy talks to Gil about immigration. This better end with Elmer Vargas being deported or I want my money back*.

*Oh that’s right. They don’t send me money to read their comic. Alright then. I’ll just keep complaining for free.