Milford: The City Of The Sore Shoulders

7/7/12

Fun facts about today’s strip:

• First year caddy Noah Boone’s name is an anagram for A Neon Hobo.
• You can earn big money as a caddy!
• Dr. Jeffrey Zonder is board certified in oncology. Perhaps he should take a look at the suspicious growths on his caddy’s face.
• Ambition means one thing to Gil Thorp: Maybe this ambitious, sore shouldered gent can be easily conned into leading junior golfers in their swing drills for the rest of the summer!
• MCC is 1200 in Roman numerals. 1200 is the number of ounces of beer you have to drink before you can even think about writing a blog entry for this crap.

Saturday In The Park, Think I’m Gonna Go To The Y

5/28/2011

Wow. You look awful.

I wouldn’t talk if I were wearing a plus-sized Sumo diaper.

Oh, you’re referring to my mawashi?

Ease up, Traceeee, this scene is expository for me. You get bupkiss, so if you make a mawoozit in your diaper, sobeit. Traceeee.

Ease up, Alpo.

Looka here, Freckles McDroopydrawers, I’m worried about the plight of the teachers!

Oh yeah, I know all about your worry for Coach Alpaca and her bifurcated hoof…and I’ve seen her watching you take grounders. The other day I heard her muttering, “grass on the infield, play ball.” I don’t think you’ve got her so much worried for you as bothered, as in hot and.

Eeww, gross, Traceee, just because you don’t get to do anything in this strip doesn’t mean you have to be so snarky.

Yeah, whatever, I’m gonna go see if Micah Huang wants to  help me pack some fudge squares for the picnic tomorrow. Smell you later, Purina.

Later…….

Hey coach Alpaca, do you like my T-shirt and the very disturbing shelf that my boobs are making inside it?

Check this out, Kibbles and Bits, my ass is likely out the door since that wack-job Hobart is spewing all his jibba jabba, so I’m just going to cut to the chase. I’ve sent the rest of the team to the mall. I’m going to be down in the dugout wearing nothing but some carefully altered sliding shorts with a dental dam at the ready. I’m gonna teach you how to do it like a shortstop from Elon.

But Coach Glory, I was going to write a song about the plight of the teachers.

Okay, well maybe later I’ll break out some of my Ferron and Holly Near records.

Oh yeah, what’s their deal?

Come with me and I’ll school ya, kid.

The joke stops here

7/15/10

…and Gil tells a “joke.” With his horrid sense of humor, I can never really tell, until he outright announces it. I ‘m feeling like I’m at the same level of Gil comprehension as the kid who wears a hat with a picture of a golf ball on it to a golf camp.

As for the recent plot developments, let me quote Ned Ryerson, occasionalback-up blogger here, who sums it up pretty well:

“Oh man, this thing went from zero to stupid in one day. There’s an entitled golf phenom in the midst of the other golf hobos. Why oh why did entitled golf phenom’s parents send her to Don’t Give A Shit Gil Thorp’s Court Ordered Charity Golf Camp?”

7/16/10

Watching golf = boring
Learning golf from Gil = mega boring
Watching kids learn golf from Gil = some incalculable level of boring that should bring tears of boredom to all who masochistically attempt to follow along

Sound effect factoid o’ the day: What’s the difference in sound between a golf ball being hit and a baseball being hit?
Apparently, there’s an extra “C” in the “KRAK“.

Tomorrow I will announce that I told a “joke”.

For the love of God, punch him like a drunken lout!

Wow, I thought nobody in Milford could be a worse prankster than Shemp Dumbo, but The Idiot formerly known as Curley-Horse goes and tops him for lameness. Sure, I can see he’s trying to emulate the old Curly Neal bucket-of-confetti-instead-of-water trick, but the way he does it makes no sense at all…The whole point is to build up anticipation in front of an audience, that’s what makes the gag work. But Andrew starts dumping it on Shemp-bo WHEN HE’S NOT EVEN LOOKING. What a moron.

Fortunately we have the redeeming side effect that he’s pissed off Kaz. And you don’t want to piss off Kaz. Becasue after he’s done waving that freak finger, he’s going to PUNCH YOU IN THE GODDAMN FACE.

The De-Pantsing.

5/25/09

5/26/09

Who could have predicted that this story would devolve into Prank-Fest ’09 (broadcast Worldwide on the Intertubes!)?

You might have thought it hard to top the phrase “Atomic linement shake-and-bake”, but then BAM, Tuesday hits us with the de-pantsing of the Blake Fowler Experience! Everyone but Bill Narkins is amused…(Oh how he wished those had been his pants taken off in public. He even wore his Captain Marvel Underoos today.)

And apparently the chimp asleep at the Chicago Tribune Thorp site thought today was Wednesday, so if you want a preview, check out the impressive-sized lockerroom snake to come. But we can talk about that later I guess..Today is all about Blaine’s ability to keep his shirt snugly tucked into his boxers. Way to go BFE!

Sh*t, we forgot to practice.

5/22/09

…and so plot 67J is quickly resolved!  On to disturbing side-plot mystery 67K: Why does Gil keep the picture of Dump Shrembo open on his computer when he’s not even there? I guess we can hope that he’s just too dumb to figure out how to close or navigate away from that browser window. But even so, why did he move his dildo baseball trophy so conveniently next to his computer?

5/23/09

“Way to admit you didn’t see me drink, Narkins!”
“Sorry, Shinbone, I couldn’t lie! I wanted to say I saw you drinking…Too bad I couldn’t, and all I could admit to was that I heard you were ‘fooling around’ with liquor bottles, which admittedly sounds much more disgusting than it really was.”
“Well thanks to whatever you told the coach, (which now that I think about it, is much less damning than the photo itself), I’m suspended. Watch out! I’m  gonna come up with a fresh new way to seek revenge!”
“How did you manage to insert parentheses in your dialogue?”
“Shut up! (Narkins!)”

Later:

“Hey Old Robbb! Know of any fresh new ways  to seek revenge?”
“Yeah, in this movie that came out when I was a freshman, the nerds put Liquid Heat in the jock straps of all the football players. Since you enjoy the internet, you can watch it here, if you want!”
“Well only if I have a Hulu account, but sure that looks great! A movie prank from 25 years ago is way fresher than my ‘loosen the salt shaker’ gag…”
“Yeah, it’s so fresh, idiot bloggers have even been referencing that movie recently for no apparent reason. Have fun with your prank. I’m off to my AARP meeting.”

Living in Milford: Worse than being a plugger

4/11/09

4/13/09

You know you live in a podunk, non-existent town when…

• You think you’ve discovered a new star softball pitcher, but you’ve forgotten that overhand pitching isn’t allowed.
• You watch the local news for wacky clips of the local high school coach…(since you, like the filmers of the original footage, have never even heard of the Internet.)
• Your first reaction to seeing such a wacky clip is to dig through your stash of outrageous headgear, select something particularly hilarious, and then bring it into the coach’s office as a gag gift.
• You’re the sixth person to do this today. Plus your name is Phil.

Dylan Bares His Soul Patch

2/6/09

Ouch! The dreaded text message break-up. That hits you right in the NutBoys.*

Okay, nuts, check. Next order of business is freak hands. I’m pretty sure Brenda is supposed to be wearing gloves, but Panel 2 still freaks me out. Maybe it’s because the finger tips melted together, or because the gloves have knuckles.

And now for the pathos. Puppy dog-eyed Dylan appeals directly to us. It was a bum rap, I wasn’t anywhere near the Swifti Mart. I don’t even like NutBoys. I’m allergic to peanuts. Those records were supposed to be sealed! If my eyes don’t convince you, look down at my soul patch. The soul patch doesn’t lie. Trust the soul patch.

*For the record and as fair warning, as long as this Swifti Mart robbery plot stays in the foreground, I’m going to keep referencing NutBoys as much as possible. Well, I probably would anyway, because any gag referencing nuts is funny. It’s comedy gold. Gold, Jerry, gold! Having said that, let me share a joke I heard last night:

A sea captain walks into a bar with a ship’s wheel attached to the crotch of his pants. The bartender asks him why he has a ship’s wheel attached to his crotch. The sea captain replies, “Arr! It’s drivin’ me nuts!”