Get Stuffed, I’m Off To Get My Stomach Pumped

12/6/12

Forget the dramatic tension, look at that cottony soft beard on Coach Shaw! It looks like a craft project, like cotton balls glued onto a ceramic mug. Actually, that consistency continues all the way up onto Shaw’s head. All of his facial and head hair is glued on batting of some sort, like what you spread around on the floor under your Christmas tree to simulate snow. His hair could also be made out of Play Doh, like something produced at the Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop. It is magnificent hair.

Oh yeah, the game. Milford got hosed. Terry learns a valuable lesson in something and we wait to see what happens, paralyzed by tension.

12/7/12

No title, but a winning season. Not that we want this to drag on on any further, but are there no playdowns in football? Is the regular season title the ultimate prize? Does anybody care at this point?

A further question: Does Valley Tech have locker rooms or showers or anything? No? Whatever. Let’s make that bus ride as uncomfortable and smelly as possible.

12/8/12

So, this fall plot limps over the finish line, calling back a lame joke and leaving us in the dark about Doyle Dong’s motivations (probably). It seems as if his “sincerity, that might work” line was the summation of his whole story. And then this, a money shot, of sorts, two radish roses to the face

Let’s hang the peach baskets and hope for the best.

A Salute To Steve, A Man Outstanding In His Office

11/12/12

Thank you Neal Rubin and Rod Whigham for finding a way to honor our veterans without breaking out of the established Gil Thorp universe. Don’t get me wrong, Gil’s military service was honorable and noteworthy. We thank you too Gil, but face it, you’ve been on the sidelines for a while and you seem to be wrapped up in whatever cliche comedic activities This Week in Milford has been dreaming up and yukking over for years.

Today, we want to salute Steve Boone’s contribution here. Thank you, Steve. And thank you, Neal. We goofed on your Budd Lynch storyline, then we lost the heroic old guy. Shame on us. It is said that “all gave some and some gave all.” I will give you credit Neal for a thematic storyline resting somewhere among the general mayhem of tonsil hockey and a grim man sitting in a crate.  Thank you Steve for standing up and finding you voice.

Thanks to all the veterans in the This Week in Milford community. We celebrate your service and your voices in our chorus of fun and lunacy.

We’ll return to the usual jokes, uh, later. You know, some time this week.

Rugged Break? Is That A Thing?

7/19/12

Grab a bottle of water. That’s hilarious! What will they do next, show us how a one armed guy gets a bottle of water from a cooler and opens it?

7/20/12

Oops.

So, Kenny Rogers Steve Boone is a Wounded Warrior. Okay. Let’s just watch and see if this can be handled with more sensitivity than the Funky Winkerbean take on this subject. Wait, Gil Thorp taught an amputee how to box, so, yeah…

I’m sure this Budd Lynch story will be inspiring.

7/21/12

I don’t know what to say. 94 year-old Budd Lynch will “show you how to get by” then give you a cufflink. What if you had a leg amputated, or both arms. Does he have gag gifts for those eventualities? I’m sure Budd’s heart is in the right place, and I’m sure there’s more to his efforts there is room to detail in this strip, but I’m not inspired by what I’m looking at here.

 

 

Stay tuned, the summer hos are coming soon!

6/20/12

While Darby Kiser is ON, the narrator forgets to mention the real reason Milford has won: Jaxxxon has gotten on another rampage and eaten the faces off of most of the Jefferson players. He would have also attacked the Milford players, but was thwarted by their extreme ugliness. Even a beast like that has some standards.

Meanwhile, the illegitimate father of the beast (who else but those two has hair like that?), Winky Dinky has just received a tweet: “All Jefferson players dead,  and we pitched a shutout! LOL. #JaxxxonKillingSpree”

6/21/12

“Life is complicated! Boys… pitching…school…being a slutty, negative role model, it’s all too much.”
“Plus Jaxxxxxon.”
“Wait, who?”

Later:
“I have to break up with you.”
“Which you? Me, or him?”
“Hmmm, which one of you is my 150-pound bastard toddler son? That one.”

6/22/12

Today’s Important Gil Thorp Life Lesson:
It’s a cruel world. With lots of girls in it. Lots of easy, easy girls. So no need to get upset when one ho (especially one with baggage) walks out on you. Another easy girl will come along soon! And hey, if you get too horny in the meantime, a little Dinty Moore in a wig action will surely tide you over.

Now where’s that drunken Gil on the 19th hole story*?

*Not about golf. Just about…Gil, and lots and lots of holes. Refer to today’s life lesson for details.

Everybody’s Got A Racket

3/9/12

Wow, two days and two “big reveals”. The Rupert Hall from Dayton reveal was a delightfully unexpected and daffy and frankly, pretty damned awesome. So that’s a huge This Week in Milford win.

Today’s reveal: these DVDs aren’t illicit! They are repackaged, used copies of legitimately produced and sold DVDs! Well that’s just insane. Insane because it makes no logical sense. Nice racket? It actually sounds like the stupidest, least profitable racket I’ve ever heard of. The potential for this racket to succeed hinges upon compulsively stupid buyers. (Hey, didn’t I just see copies of that DVD at Movie Stop in the 3 for $10 bin? Yeah, but I wanna buy this one for $10. It’s a bootleg! That makes it better!)
What drives idiocy home further is that, if it’s the sheen of illegality that makes these “bootlegs” so attractive, why not do what every other teen in the world does and just download the movies through bit torrent? Wouldn’t that be better (cooler, cheaper, more “gangsta”) than having to hand your allowance to Rupert? Conclusion: kids in Milford are Homer Simpson stupid. They don’t grasp technology and they are easily swayed by puffed up weirdos.

Speaking of puffed up weirdos, nothing says Gil Thorp like Gil taking a righteous stand based on something as flimsy as what has been revealed this week. You’re right Rupe, you’ve done nothing illegal. But you are exploiting the youth of Milford by playing on their stupidity and naivete and Gil will not stand for that. That’s Gil’s racket.

3/10/12

So from the dizzying heights of stupidity, there’s nowhere to go but down as Gil’s smack down comes to it’s sanctimonious and stultifying conclusion. But wait, Rod Whigham saves the day with the final panel of Gil and Kaz reprising the roles of Danny Zucco and Kenickie from Grease. I’ll bet their gonna go work on Greased Lightning, then see if they can score with some assorted Pink Ladies!

Next Up: The Shiela With The Botched Nose Piercing

1/5/12

And thus concludes this week’s after school special, “The Boy Who Got Something Really Stupid Inked on His Shoulder”. Thank you Coach Kaz for those stirring words. We shall all take them to heart. I was this close to getting a tat of Gil Thorp being conked on the head with a baseball, but Kaz set me straight (plus I also heard some bad stuff about that guy with the tattooing stall at the flea market).

So what’s more effective in deterring the wave of students getting ink, Kaz’s impassioned speech or Stefan Harvey distractedly pecking at his scabby M on the way down the court?

1/6/12

Nothing says Milford like a crowd full of goobers instantly displaying some weird ritualistic behavior. We now see the birth of the Tat Slap (which is only two letters away from Taint Slap and thus extremely unnerving). Who’s out there slapping their “tats” like they just don’t care? It’s Freckles Versace, Cully Vale’s little brother Skutch Vale,  Skippy McPainterhat, Blondie McStartermullet and John Flansburgh from They Might Be Giants.

Meanwhile, slender soph Ric Devore rejects the idea of joining the inking trend, based on threats of parental violence, He also is distracted by Freckles Versace, who may actually be wearing a Ric Devore mask.

1/7/12

Hullo, Shielas, don’t mind my funky hand, I had too many Fosters’ and mistook it for a bunch of shrimp, so I threw it on the barbie. Pierce your nose? Yeah, I could put a real ripsnorter in your beak, but are any of you ladies interested in getting some work done down under? I could ink your mappa tassie. Um, vegamite, dinkum, kangaroos loose in the top paddock!

 

Tats All for 2011

12/30/11

The Ric Devore love fest continues!

I mean, look at him Marjie! Those freckles, that freaky hand, his science-y t-shirt, have you ever seen such a slender soph? We don’t want to tell you how to do your job, Marjie, but there’s your lead. Not this tat-slappin’ business! I mean, what kind of tool even gets a tattoo anyway? Oh, um sorry Kaz.

Yeah, well I hate my dumb tattoo. I don’t know what it is and I regret having gotten it, but you can slap it if you want Marjie. Do you want to slap it? I’ll slap it for you if that’s something you’re into. What, huh? Oh yeah, Rick Devore…look at that sweet wristband, soooo much cooler that this eyesore on my, admittedly much larger, bicep.

12/31/11

So Kaz was with the NCAA D2 national champion Northern Colorado Bears. That would have been 1996 or 1997, according to our crack research staff.

Intrepid reporter Marjie Ducey wants some answers though: Now about that alleged “barbed wire” tattoo, well okay, it kinda looks like you’re being treated with leeches, but what about that tribal thing on your other arm? Did you go full on Matt Prater crazy and just forget about it?

Oh Marjie, you’ll have to refer those kinds of questions to Coach Whigrub, he handles continuity. I think he’s in the training room or something, or maybe he called in sick. We’ve got to get back to practice. Flipper boy is almost done with today’s tai chi session.

Happy New Year everybody!

Poked In The Cloakroom

3/18/11

Wow, secondary eyeball explosion. Somebody better page Steve Luhm. Meanwhile, looks like Kayla is too smart for Gil Jr. Parker. But he stares soulfully at us as he tells us about his broken heart. Tell it to the judge, Parker Bowen Can’t Loose Flattop Dipstick.

3/19/11

What’s this? Cortez the Killer Beecher Stowe Abdul Jabbar is happening by the room with the hooks (and those things on the floor) just in time for the poking of Parker and he issues a CHILL command. He’s about to drop some knowledge folks! We’ll wait until Monday for the BIG REVEAL!

Sorry if I can’t work myself into a speculative fervor over these developments. All the Mudlarks out there have been doing yeoman’s work sorting through this swamp of a “mystery” plot and have been covering the “what the hell is going on here” angle quite well in the comments. I, in the meantime am fascinated by Kayla’s magical bracelets, which remain carefully positioned and neatly spaced even as she raises his arm to poking angle.