A Very Rough Draft

Extended Dialogue from today’s comic:

Jimmy’s Dad: The Detroit Tigers? Sorry son, you know we’re a Cleveland Indians family. I can’t allow that to happen. But the army might be a good place for you anyway. I hear they’re pretty desperate these days, they might even take you. Let me drive ya down to the recruiting office now and we can forget this whole Tigers nonsense ever happened.

Jimmy: But Daaaad…

Jimmy’s Dad: Hey, look at this shiny wrench. Look, Jimmy…shiny! I’ll let you hold it if you join the army.

Jimmy: Neat-o! Let’s go!

Meanwhile on a raft floating down the Kalamazoo River…

Bugs: Hey Gil!…Yeah, well not so good. I’m kinda trapped out here. Say, can you send that Mexican kid Vargas over here? I figure he’d be pretty good at navigating across raging rivers…What? No I am not racist!…Wait, he’s where?…Damn it…Well give me his number anyway. I think I’ll be in the Gulf of Mexico by Sunday anyway. And I’ll be out of beer by then for sure. As long as he doesn’t bring me any of that Corona crap!… Hello?… Gil?

Someone’s Fantasy League Drafts Jimmy

Elmer at last realizes his true potential: Playing baseball in a midget Mexican league, where he totally kicks everyone’s ass!

Meanwhile, back in Milford, we sadly appear to not be focused on Kaz, but on Jimmy Hughes, another boring, idiot student (think “Honky-Elmer”.) Back in the Frank 1.0 era, Jimmy Hughes had similar hair to Tyler Jay or Andrew Gregory and was portrayed as a moron. Now he appears to have a blond lego helmet for hair, along with three stunningly masculine chin whiskers. Despite the make-over, I’ll guess he’s still an idiot. And now, based on one game a weird old friend of Gil’s watched, Jimmy’s presumably been drafted by the Detroit Tigers. Good job, Tigers. Is Matt Millen running this franchise now, too?

This story better continue with Mr. Hughes getting amputated by the lawnmower, or the Shards-o’-Glass tree dropping its leaves and cutting the hell out of Jimmy. Yep, that’s right. I need violence to make summer in Milford palatable again. Don’t you?

When plot is past expiration date, please dispose of it immediately.

7/5/08

Up-nostril shot: Totally unnecessary.

Attempted first panel joke: Totally unfunny.

Window into just how goddamn stupid Elmer is: Totally sad.

The fact that this dreary plot is wrapping up…?: Totally worth it.

There’s no way this can keep going, right? Right?

7/7/08

Auggggh! Still? The drinking of wee soda and discussion of Mexican directions that make absolutely no sense do nothing to placate me. This was supposed to be over by now!!

In the nearly two  years I’ve been writing this blog, I think this is the least-satisfying plot arc yet. Starting from August 2006, we had:

• Thorp daughter and her Indian friend participate in gymnastics meets against a little bitchy girl: Lame, but at least not too time consuming.
• Ben Franklin hustles Marty Moon at golf. Marty drinks heavily in his parked car: Awesome.
• Stormy Hicks whines through football season, but then a car explodes and Bill Ritter chops his leg off: Violence worth initial whininess.
• Tyler Hicks wants to be the starting point guard so he clubs himself in the head: WTF?-Awesome goodness.
• Old weirdo named Clambake coaches baseball team, tells boring stories that apparently fascinate teenagers, then turns out to be a lying fraud. Also softball team shaves head because their coach doesn’t have cancer: Now we’re rolling!
• Kaz punches his way into becoming a private investigator for a washed-up singer. (Turns out Ben Franklin did it.) Also…Bill the one-legged boxer: The standard-bearer of plotlines. Can Neal ever top this?
• Cully the killer football player makes bad friends, then Coach Thorp asks him to kill Marty Moon. Also, losers from another school play some pranks. (I’m still waiting for that part to be resolved…): Well anything after last summer is bound to be a bit of a let-down.
• Andrew Gregory goes through like 14 personality changes and for some reason Marty Moon pretends to be his dad while Mr. Gregory is out on jungle patrol: Back to good ol’ WTF!

Then…Several months of this crap. Why did I just recap a bunch of old stories? 1.) Because I have literally nothing left to say about El-Mullet and 2.) To remind all of us (including Neal), how spectacularly ridiculous this comic can be! So let’s just call Mulligan on the spring/half-of summer 2008 and start fresh tomorrow. Please??? For the children? Won’t someone please think of the children?

Happy Idiot-pendence Day!

7/3/08

Since there’s really nothing to be said about this comic (early graduation in July, eh?) let’s just be glad that there are only two more strips in this mediocre story arc.

Instead, I’ll do some more discussion of an equally as exciting topic: Tribune Comics Facebook Groups! This week, Tribune Media Services shut down their site at comicspage.com, and moved all their comics over to gocomics.com. For some reason they also created Facebook Groups for each of their (incredibly awesome) comics. At latest count, the total member count of some of the groups:

Broom-Hilda: 4 members
Pink Panther: 4 members
Annie: 5 members
Pluggers: 6 members
Brenda Starr: 9 members
Gasoline Alley: 10 members
Dick Tracy: 15 members
Gil Thorp: 20 members
Love Is…: 540 members(wtf?!?!)

So good work, folks! Way to build up stronger ranks than every group save the inexplicable rabid fan-base of Love Is… readers. And the This Week in Milford Facebook page, (created by reader KarenD) with a whopping seven members at press time, is at least currently more popular than Pluggers.

What does all this mean? Well, reader RobM would likely contend “nothing.” Which is probably true. But it appears I wasted enough time talking about this crap that tomorrow’s comic has been posted in the meantime, so at least there’s that, right?

7/4/08

Ah, Independence Day! What better day to celebrate our soon-to-be independence from El-mullet the schmuck, his boring family and this tedious, plodding story? And I’m happy to see Brendan-Oyl has assured her friend of being beaten up and robbed on his first day in Mexico, the moment he walks of the plane in those idiotic sunglasses. (Then again, maybe the robbers will let him keep that weird melted pile of crap she’s just handed him.)

How can a bright future be so dull?

Question 1: Does the Milford Star really have a high readership amongst the citizens of Goshen?
Answer: Yes. Ever since the Goshen Gazette was purchased by Rupert Murdoch and turned into a right-wing farm equipment newspaper, the Milford Star is the only place Goshen citizens (“Internet-free for 153 years and counting!”) can get anything resembling news.

Question 2: What is someone’s grandmother doing in the dugout?
Answer: That is actually whiny Jim Gross, but to be fair, he is in fact someone’s grandmother.

Question 2a: Why hasn’t Elmer heard of Goshen’s world famous PACO’S DISCOUNT MEXICAN SUPPLY WAREHOUSE Y EMPORIUM?
Answer: Because he is a moron.

Question 3: Does Rep. Betty Bright really have anything better to do than respond to Gil every time he writes her an idiotic letter?
Answer: No. As the congresswoman representing Milford, Goshen, New Thayer and any number of moronic towns, she is known in Congress as the brightest of the dim bulbs. With the district that has the lowest literacy rate in the nation, Rep. Bright has copious amounts of time to spend responding to both letters she recieves each year.

Question 3a: Is Gil to drunk to get up and speak on the phone?
Answer: Never tell Gil he’s too drunk to do anything. Just trust me.

Gil unscrambles another problem

6/7/08

I am sure you’re all as  chompin’ at the bit to talk about the exciting development that is Gil writing a letter to his own personal congresswoman.  Can’t beat a twist like that! At first I figured the letter he was writing involved how the arc of Elmer’s home run balls were so high, they managed to land just six inches over the fence. Then I got a look at Gil’s screen and realized he’s just doing the Junior Jumble!

6/9/08

“Wait, so you wrote an e-mail to Betty Bright?”

“I don’t even know what that is. I wrote a letter. Hey, where’s your earring?”

“Still in the shop. So you think solving this immigration problem by writing your elected official is the best, not to mention the most interesting, way to resolve this story arc?”

“It worked with that whiny douche, Stormy Hicks, didn’t it?”

“Actually, as I recall, while Rep. Betty Bright did solve Stormy’s problem,  it was only because she was bribed by friends with the rich and powerful Charles Ritter.”

“I don’t recall that.”

“No?  Well check this out. She said herself your letter was completely pointless. Did you just send her a copy of your completed Junior Jumble again?”

“Isn’t that what a letter is?”

“My god. I can’t believe how dumb you are. You probably didn’t even hear that Elmer is already back in Tijuana.”

“I like Junior Jumble.”

It’s a beautiful day in the Barrio…

5/31/08

I successfully avoided this comic for another weekend…(hey gotta regain a couple marbles somehow, right?)

So what’s happening? Mostly a bunch of reminders: Panel 1 reminds us of the pace of the comic as Andrew angrily throws a turtle into a locker. Panel 2 reminds us that Elmer is an idiot (as he ignores the warning sign “Do not taunt the schizophrenic when manic.”) Panel 2 AND 3 remind us that Milford players are no good at wiping sweat and/or shower water off their heads.

At least Panel 3 does provide us with one new piece of information: The reason the artist formerly known as Curley Horse (or “TAFKACH” as numerous commenters have wisely dubbed him) is so irritable: Ear infection.

6/2/08

…and here we go: Welcome to the “Holy crap it’s June and the plot’s been dragging to the speed  of an off-speed turtle pitch…better throttle it to high gear” comic!

First we have #3 off to break up the spontaneous patty-cake celebration  before Tyler Jay decides to take it to the next level and start clubbing himself with Whiny Jim Gross’s arm.

Next we have a panel that is obviously from Bizarro-Milford. The creepy inverted-color heads in the background I’ll let slide, but that, Mr. Whigham, is NOT Rick Bozich. Rick Bozich is a fat, pasty strike-out king loser…with NO EARRING! We know who these errant earrings need to go to. Don’t make me warn you again.

And lastly, the Vargas family lawyer has put on a sweater from his Mr. Rogers collection to deliver some some sad, confusing news to Elmer. Does anyone out there understand real immigration rules? Does anything that’s going on with this plot have any remote semblance to reality or is it, as I suspect, just a bunch of made-up nonsense?

Sure, everything is good when you’re an idiot

Another Whigham first today: His first recycled art! Panel 1 today appears to be pretty directly inspired by the first panel from May 3rd. I’m so proud…our new artist is catching on so quickly! Soon he’ll be totally Franking us and not even bother to draw a new background. Just give it some time…

I’m also impressed with the nonsensical second panel, featuring the Vargas parents forlornly staring at a picture of how attractive and young their family used to be. (Or maybe there’s another family of illegal immigrants happily living in their wall, and they’re upset that there’s suddenly another five mouths to feed. “Quit holding sports equipment and get jobs, you mooching wall people!”)

Meanwhile Brendan walks in a circle. (One giant hand and one missing hand will really throw off your balance.)

Plot question o’ the day: Hasn’t Elmer been living in the U.S. for at least ten years as well? Or did his parents abandon him in Mexico for the first eight years of his live and he conveniently forgot about growing up there? Oh that’s right, I forgot. Logic never applies in Milford.