Tinker v. Evers

4/18/13

Wow, what an exciting development! It’s the return of the folded towels! Oops, no it’s the long awaited plot participation of Jimmy Jarbo, the heir to the Speedco (franchisee) fortune and also double play partner of the Noxious Knocker! Has the Foley Law Group already veered into shaky ground with this careless disclosure of information about a pending law suit? Will the drama center around Jimmy and Knocker becoming adversaries or around the crippling athletes’ foot that’s bound to strike them both from standing around in the locker room in their bare feet?

Now that is one gobsmacked Knocker!

Really? I Heard He Was Akkadian!

04/16/13

Okay Knocker, what’s it gonna be? Do you want to focus on fielding so you can annoy everyone with tales of your exploits in pursuit of the double play record or do you want to annoy everyone by bragging about you participation in the legal case? Hey, don’t forget about Darby. Why don’t you slip in some bragging about how you’re going to sweep Darby off her feet?

Oh no, Dinny, don’t extend an invitation to…crap, too late.

04/17/13

Swirly threat! Awkwardly worded, yes, but that’s the most sensible thing I’ve heard out of any of these knuckleheads in years!

Okay, “Arabic” guy? Who says that? And who’s the mystery guest who’s about to school the Knocker on the intricacies of Middle Eastern ethnic groups? Also, what is the potential for liability in the case as described? Oh, who cares, bring on the swirly!

Can We Get An Earlier Tee Time?

4/13/13

Hey gang, did you hear the news? Fartknocker Foley is a slick fielding, shit talking, case trying, tail chasing, stuff strutting pork sword. The question is, is he ready to go the animal husbandry route to try and win over the warmed-over teen mom? Dinky and Stuff have been there, done that.

When Foley goes to the barber does he just say give me the Bobby Bittman?:

4/15/13

Oh, so Fartknocker is going to try and wow her with his ascendancy to prominence in the inner workings of the Foley Law Group LLP. This slip and fall thing is just a set up to give Foley a false sense of bravado about his role in his father’s professional law practice which, he calculates, will springboard him into the sliding shorts of Darby Kiser.

Sigh.

One Minute To Wapner!

4/12/13

Braggadocious? You gotta be hronking my foozle. Darby must be reading This Week in Milford or the Mfnrd mind control device is asserting influence on ol’ Ned.

So long Darby. It’s been nice catching up with you. Glad we didn’t have to see your baby. Give him our best the next time you visit him at the petting zoo/child containment facility. Oh, and watch out for that bus.

Later, at the Foley house…

Hey Dad, I know you’re not supposed to stick a Q-tip into your ear, but check out this thing I just pulled out!
Impressive son. Say, when you’re not busy starting double plays and striking out with softball skanks, I need you to do some of your patented, cheap legal research for me. I’ve got a new case that’s going to finally put the Foley Law Group on the map. I might even let you go ahead and try the whole case.
Hey Dad, I know you’re the lawyer and all, but is that actually, ya know, legal?
Legal, schmegal, son. The Mfnrd court system was founded on a different set of principles, not the mention the landmark case of The Estate of Mr. Bakst vs. Milford Travel LLC, which established further precedence for non-traditional methods of litigation. The respondents in the case actually retained the legal counsel of a cocker spaniel.
Dad, have you been home all day drinking scotch and playing Mario Cart?

You Got Squelched!

4/11/13

Ouch, feel the burn! Darby Kiser’s backside just issued a stinging retort! This has apparently become a fetish for Big Bob Stuff and his sidekick Dinky. For the record, Bobby is wearing a vest made of hoagie rolls and Knox Foley’s hair is courtesy of the Heatmiser.

When Darby Kiser squelches you, you stay squelched! Hey, did you hear that Darby Kiser squelched Know Foley? Yeah, right on the first base line!

Here’s hoping that the word squelch enjoys its new found prominence. Perhaps it will appear as a sound effect in this summer’s golf plot.

I Like Her Better When She Walks Away

3/29/13

Oh Knox Foley, you think you are a special snowflake asshole, but your type is a dime a dozen ’round this tank town. Future lawyer, future victim of a soap party. We’ve heard this act before.

Ned here, breaking down the fourth wall for a sec. I’ve never played on a competitive sports team. I avoided all activity in phys ed and sweated through one hot ass Florida summer so I wouldn’t take any of this crap during high school. I’m sure being on a sports team probably exposes you to a wider variety of weirdos than the clan of bookish types I ran with. I don’t discount what it means to compete and pull together, but I’m continually annoyed by how these iconoclastic assholes spout some goofball mumbo jumbo and disrupt the mission of the team. Isn’t there supposed to be some leadership, some peer review? Yo, check that shit at the door asshole and play the game! Don’t bro me if you don’t know me.

3/30/13

…or you could send Dinny to do the job. Yeah, you’re like the legal system, twenty pounds of shit in a ten pound bag.

Hey all, thanks for listening to me gripe. Thanks for hanging around for this, even though it’s mostly me complaining.  Hey, it isn’t all bad. The last panel reminded me of Alejandro Escovedo’s Castanets:

Knox Vomica

3/28/13

Wait, now this asshat is talking steals, another stat with many dependent variables? Also, said asshat has a knack for legal research, which could lead to a lawsuit against Mssrs. Gaines, Ottewill and Fowler for failing to comply with an implied contractual relationship with Knox Foley to tailor their play to support his individual achievements. The proceedings could serve as a referendum on Gil’s obvious lack of institutional control or indeed his lack of “two shits” worth of concern for what kind of weird head games his charges get themselves wrapped up in.

About the Aames case, I believe there’s some legal precedent – Winchell vs. Mahoney….

How The Cog Crows

3/27/13

So far this season, we’ve woven a rich tapestry out of naming the Mudlarks defensive starters. This could take some time. Does Gary Bowers play first when Scott Fowler is pitching? Who plays right when Bobby Ottewill is pitching? Maybe Gil will reveal the name of the starting catcher during sexy time with Mimi.