This Week in Milford

July 26, 2014

Hello lamppost, what’cha knowing?

July 26, 2014


Well the high-speed collision between True and Gil I was so hoping for yesterday did not materialize. It would’ve been a good one, too, as we pan out to see a 7-foot-tall Gil emerge from a stonking big SUV of some kind (which looks like an amalgam of a Mitsubishi Montero and Nissan Armada with the front clip from an FJ62 Toyota Land Cruiser).

We’re left to guess what it was about Milford that drew True back. The Coffee Cantina’s Peaberry? A chance at running into Wendy Wiley or Molly Kinsella, who he’s seen so much of online? Surely it wasn’t that sentient lamppost that woman is waving to down the street.

July 23, 2014

Milford Wax Job

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, Just plain sad, Milford Idiots — timbuys @ 5:01 am

July 23, 2014


Let’s take stock of where we are… Oh, we’re in Jefferson High School just like the sign said in yesterday’s strip. What else? Well, Art is drinking a cup of swirly coffee and True is drinking a cup of pens and pencils while they meet with the presumable head coach of the Jeffs over the world’s smallest office desk – drawing perspective is hell I tell you: look how low Art has to slouch just to fit in panel.

Panel two is a bit of a stumper. Why is the Jeffs’ coach running down Milford? Gil already told the Standish’s what they could do with themselves if they expected him to lift a finger on their behalf so it’s hard to believe that Milford is somehow the front runner for True’s services. Regardless, with respect to this waxing business, insert mandatory Steve Luhm joke here.

Panel three promises us nothing but more sorrowful ennui as it seems that the unnamed Jeffs coach failed to close the deal and we are going to get more snippets of the Standish’s meeting with Valley conference coaches. (Sales tip coach: Your first instinct not to run the other guy down was correct. You need to convince the prospect why your school is the right one.) Speaking of which, assuming the Valley covers a fairly broad territory, wouldn’t the school True attends be dictated either by wherever the Standish’s live or however far they are willing to drive to a private school? Am I missing something here?

July 3, 2014

Safe, Sane and Consensual

Filed under: football, freak hands, Gil Thorp, Milford Idiots — teenchy @ 6:10 am

July 3, 2014


So the man with the football and whistle is Tim and/or Jay Forbes from the middle school.  (Has he been in this strip before? TWIM historians, I look to you.) He’s not wasting time in laying out the ground rules for this scene practice. All that’s missing is the safe word; I’m guessing “routes.” Some couples are starting to pair off – the lobster-clawed guy in the middle of P2 is already melting into his partner to his left.

In familiar Milford fashion, one of the teens establishes himself as hyper-serious and faux mature. Jarrod Hale, having read or heard somewhere that quarterbacks are supposed to be leaders,  thrusts himself into this role.  What says the one-hand touches on Jarrod include some above-the-neck face slaps and nasty wedgies?

None of this foreplay will last for long however. Jarrod has only four seconds to unload, which is about par for the course for a teenaged boy. (See what I did there? Foreplay? Par for the course? Laying up for the transition to the golf portion of this arc on Monday.)

July 1, 2014

Time To Stop Drinking And Start Hurling

Filed under: Coach Kaz, hideous scar faces, Milford Idiots — timbuys @ 4:06 am

July 1, 2014


Much like a Charterstone pool party punctuates each episode of Mary Worth, we here in Milford always kick of the lazy days of summer by getting blotto on an improvised mixture of bottom shelf rotgut vodka and store brand lemonade mix. However, after a good day or three of inebriated lollygagging, everyone knows that it’s time to stop sipping, purge our systems and get down to the deadly serious business of playing ‘touch football in shorts’.

Living in Texas as I do but not being a native, I have had the state’s obsession with football explained to me a couple of different ways – For example, I have been told that the three most popular sports in Texas are football, spring football with baseball a distant third. Accordingly, I wouldn’t be at all surprised to hear that scouts do indeed attend even the lowest level least organized games here. I’m somewhat more dubious about those prospects in Milford, where the team hasn’t won anything in years and, as we’ve been given no indication that Kaz has actually led any practices so far, is about to undertake a game with little to no preparation.

I’m even more dubious about the collegiate prospects of any of the young men depicted in panel three all of whom have the oddest ways of grasping their respective drinking vessels. The beanpole wearing a black t-shirt in the middle of summer has a particularly odd grip and, based on both that and the fact that he seems to think this is his ticket to a scholarship at a Division III school, is my early nominee for dumbest idiot of this summer’s plot. We’ll see how that pays out, though, as I’m sure he’ll face plenty of competition in the days to come.

Bonus point: Any guesses how Coach Kaz gashed himself while shaving? I’m thinking he’s old school and uses a straight razor.

June 19, 2014

We Tie For First Loser

June 19, 2014


So after somehow restoring Lucky’s confidence in his best tell-don’t-show fashion, Gil turns his mad motivational skills to the rest of the team.  So what does tying for second in the Valley get you? A place in the playdowns? A higher seeding in the conference tournament? A cup of coffee at Wawa (if you also have $1.39)?

At least the pep talk had some effect on Holler Boy there. Do we know who Holler Boy is? Is he southpaw junkballer Paul Dillon, the soon-to-be-beneficiary of Lucky’s flashing leather?

Just noticed that the Milford boys are wearing snapback caps. Cheapskate move, Gil. Bet he budgeted for fitted New Era 5950s and funded his liquor cabinet with the difference.

June 18, 2014

Tell Me What I’d Say

Filed under: Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp, Milford Idiots — timbuys @ 4:42 am

June 18, 2014


Hey, check it out – the boys appear not to be practicing in their uniforms! The verisimilitude of this strip is amazing.

Panel two – wait, I did the commentary on Gil’s little chat with Lucky just yesterday. Please tell us, what’d Gil say about groveling to Amy during that chat? I’m pretty sure that all we were shown of Gil giving Lucky advice was telling him the gist of Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff and, based on Gil’s rendition, I think we can safely infer that Gil only picked that morsel of advice up while glancing at the cover on his way through the self-help section to the free public restrooms at Barnes & Noble.*

I’m not sure what’d I say to Lucky in his situation but I guess the groveling tactic worked. It’s hard to be sure as we only have his version of the story so far and the notion that there might not be some lingering repercussions for their relationship due to his having ruined her prom by breaking up with her for the flimsiest of reasons may weigh against my statement about the strip’s realism above.

* That’s the one that still exists, right? I can’t be bothered to do the research on that…

On that note, and apropos of nothing other than it was an early inspiration for the title of this post that I never got around to revising, here’s some Ray Charles to start your day (if you’re reading this in the morning):

June 17, 2014

Dumb And Dumber

Filed under: freak hands, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, lessons learned, Milford Idiots — timbuys @ 4:03 am

June 17, 2014


So, even though I’ve never actually sat down and watched the movie from which I’m borrowing the title of this post, I feel as though I’ve pretty much seen it through low grade exposure to various clips, references and impressions over the years. I’m not sure why I’m pointing that out, but it might just be because today’s strip is so painfully stupid. Put it this way, when Gil is getting all of the ‘smart’ lines, you know something is seriously off the rails.

Panel one: “I’ve never had to make my own luck. I’m Lucky Haskins!” I offer ten TWIM credits to anyone who can credibly argue that Gil shouldn’t just push Lucky off the bleachers and walk away at this point. Instead, Gil, somewhat wisely I suppose, decides to try another tack.

His gambit in panel two though is stymied as Luckey really brings the stupid. Don’t forget about the gruesome eye injuries that started this whole thing off champ! Those not only got you into the meet-cute thing with Amy but you got a free dinner out of the whole deal!

Which brings us to panel three where Gil has clearly lost the thread (the vicodin chased by three shots of bourbon must be kicking in). As near as I can tell, the moral according to Gil is that Lucky is an idiot with no skill while Lucky is unable to finish off Gil’s thought for him. (Hint – the opposite of ‘small’ is not ‘good’ – remember that, Conrad, ’cause it might come in handy on the SAT’s.)

Bonus point: It really kinda sorta looks like Gil is depicted as turned away from us while Lucky is turned towards us in panel two. That would be hard to on most bleachers I’ve ever seen.

June 10, 2014

Mia Swoops In

Filed under: freak hands, Milford Idiots — timbuys @ 5:21 am

June 10, 2014


I may have made one or two jokes about Mia’s strong interest in watching Wendy Wiley’s wardrobe whackiness. However, now that Mia is making her move, I think we can see that Mia is no longer content to simply move the plot along by explaining things for us and instead is now deciding it is Mia time! Good for her, says I even if her line in panel three is just a teensy tiny bit disingenuious.

Oh, and personal note to Conrad, I’m not sure if I would describe it as ‘lucky’ but judging by those meathooks Amy is flashing in panel two, you seem to have gotten off pretty easy for that terribly timed breakup.

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