Gummi Vits! They’re Dangerous!

5/20/13

Jaxxxon gets loose? That kid is too big to sit in the shopping cart. Did Darby have him on a leash? Oh no! Look out for that irresponsibly stacked display of Gummi Vits!

Well, what did you think would happen, FoodCo? You stacked a bunch of colorful jars (trust me, I peaked at the color version) at chimp level, then you buffed the floor to a Steve Luhm sheen. How can you afford to keep your doors open? Given this high risk situation, there’s probably an opportunistic slip & fall attorney standing nearby with cell phone at the ready to record this whole fiasco.

Our astute commenters were already onto this latest twist: Bring on the junior douche of the Foley Law Group to offer injured Darby Kiser some unsolicited legal advice and then transition awkwardly into another request for an invitation to her pants.

It’s Like Friday Night Lights….Written By Chimps

5/13/13

What I can do is….

banish you to the cornfield with my ‘kids’?
drink until this problem goes away?
think of something to say that’s neither sensible nor realistic?
Bingo!

5/14/13

Run you like the Kenyan Olympic team? Clumsy, stilted and probably insincere. The Thorp coaching method in a nutshell.

Really, idiot? You want to drag the consititution into this? Clearly, Knox Foley really needs a dose of Professor Kingsfield:
“Mister Hart Douche, here is a dime. Take it, call your mother, and tell her there is serious doubt about you ever becoming a lawyer.”

Well, if Thorpean justice doesn’t do the trick, hand it over to the Council of Sadistic Morons.

What? You Were Expecting A Dance Battle?

5/8/13

Ease up and cut yourself a break, Jimmy JoJo. Now scowl for the camera and we’ll smash cut to the process server.

5/9/13

You got served!? There’s going to be a moustache battle? Oh wait, it’s that lawsuit thing!

When looking for a lawyer to represent your business in a premises liability lawsuit, it’s a bad sign when you have a meeting in law offices with huge puddles of liquid all over the place.

You know what they say, it’s not a high stakes legal battle until a moustache showdown breaks out. Ladies and gentlemen, Panel 3, an agressive Chaldean natural on Joe Joe Jarbo and the classic Gil Thorp dirty sanchez on Gina Nefertiti, counsel for the respondent.

The Buttoned-Up Mind Of Joe Jarbo

4/19/13

So now the Knocker is channeling Doyle Dane, ie throwing around stinky old, “professional” aphorisms in an attempt to advertise his career path to his peers. Great. The legal profession in itself is not inherently douchey, but a douchey teen aspiring to a legal career and exhibiting self-aggrandizing douche behavior when not yet out of high school is not helping matters.

So Mr. Jarbo is clueless about the accident? This is shaping up to be a typical lazily constructed backdrop for whatever the “theme” of this will be.

4/20/13

Ah, yes, the famous bird’s eye view of Marty’s crate, the panel that establishes Marty’s inclusion in objective reality…

Ah, yes, Big Bob Stuff, a nickname that sounds even more ridiculous when it’s repeated by anonycatcher…seriously, who is that freckled guy? Do we know him from other plots? He has freckles and he’s apparently seen, and been impressed by, Big Bob’s stuff, er Big Bob Stuff.

Down go the hapless Jeffs, quivering in fear of BIG BOB STUFF!

4/22/13

So the dugout chatter reiterates the focus of this plot so far: Nobody knows about the Chaldeans and the Knocker is running his mouth about “the case”.

Does anybody even know if Joe stocks Nutboys at the SpeedCo?

Where Are They Getting These Gloves?

4/9/13

Hold the phone, Big Bob Stuff needs to flex his bragging muscles a bit, lest we forget that he’s an annoying egomaniac, too. Look Bob, we’re jam packed here as it is and we still have to get back to the slip and fall. Okay two panels, then we move on.

Meanwhile, on the diamond….here’s your dose of exciting softball action. Somebody call the Batting Stance Guy and see if he can make any sense of this.

4/10/13

OMG, Darby Kiser! We definitely don’t have room for Jaxxxon the chimp beast or further competition for the affections of Milford’s most sought after Teen MILF (TMILF?). Oh go ahead, Knox. Waste everybody’s time. We’ll be over here waiting to get this thing rolling after you get cruelly rejected.

Is It Story Time?

3/18/13

Backtracking huh? Watchu talkin’ ’bout Rubin?

So does the accident victim now own the Speed Co.? Is he getting ready to start selling synthetic Nutboys to kids. Maybe the victim’s kid will be on the baseball team and try to sue the school when he slips running out a grounder (because Steve Luhm left a puddle when he was mopping the base paths before practice). Maybe we’ll meet an unpleasant attorney and this season will be an opportunity to explore the  slip-n-fall epidemic in Milford.

Stay tuned…

His Full Name Is Patrick T. Pigglesworth

3/12/13

Ah ha, Mudlarks! Ritualistic animal interaction? Well, two can play at that game! You just swing by and look at a peacock, but Hamilton (get it?) brings their own pig right into the gym….and they fondle, er pat, it. The playdowns could be short lived for Milford unless someone can get a bonobo or something in here quickly.

Okay, this was a weird and random twist, which shouldn’t be subsequently repeated infinitiely, so it is officially the best thing that’s happened in Gil Thorp for quite some time. Kudos to Whigrub! Bacon for everybody!

Yay! We’re In The Playdowns

3/9/13

I guess Jefferson doesn’t have access to any magic fowl. You’d think the three piece suit of the coach would be enough to spur on the ‘Jeffs.

YAY! We’re in the playdowns! We’re in the playdowns!

3/11/13

YAY! We’re in the playdowns! We’re in the playdowns!

Well, bring out the peacock.
I think the peacock’s sleeping.
Well, I guess you’re gonna have to wake him up.