Today’s post is sponsored by the Law Offices of Kaplovitz & Associates P.C.!
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When your fictional family is facing deportation, be sure to contact real-life Michigan immigration lawyer Ron Kaplovitz! Not only will he work hard to keep your mullet-filled family together, he’ll even depict himself in your creepy cartoon world, with mutant three-fingered hands and everything. (Though he will insist that he still kinda sorta resemble his real-life self.) Call today!…Speedy Gonzalez, We’re looking in your general direction.
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After the line between the Thorpiverse and reality is blurred yet again, the Vargas family returns to Milford, where a suddenly creepy stalkeriffic Brendan-Oyl waits outside of their home, having never heard of a “telephone.” In order to further weird everyone out, she insists on speaking in Spanish, even though her BFF* doesn’t speak Spanish and Mr. Vargas always answers in English (“Ix-nay on the Exican-May! You want to blow our cover, gringa?” ) In order to further build tension, the two engage in an extremely violent game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. If Brendan wins, she gets to replace the doormat with one that says “Bienvenido!”

* Boring Foreign Friend

5/10/08

Gil checks in to ask English teacher Christina Fifield (an award-winning short story writer) for a date, but then she won’t shut the hell up about Elmer Vargas. Sensing competition for his affections, Gil vows to ignore Elmer’s problems. But then stupid Elmer won’t shut the hell up either. Fortunately, in his eighty years on this planet*, Gil has learned something Elmer hasn’t. The American government is too bureaucratic, too incompetent, and too uncaring to give a rat’s ass if you think you are living the American dream, even if that dream involves dad’s brick magic, growing a mullet and playing high school sports with your giant hands.

5/12/08

I guess your team is doing alright when you can afford to put your shortstop in to pitch the end of the game. But I want them to throttle someone so bad that they bring in Cully to toss the final inning.

Meanwhile, Gil’s diabolical plan to have Christina Fifield all to himself continues unabated  as we move closer to the anticipated Elmer deportation. But I’m curious…why did Elmer’s father wait until now to try to solve his family’s citizenship issues? He obviously knew it was a problem for years, but it was only after Elmer repeatedly asked to go to Ecuador that this whole thing got kicked into gear. So what is the deal? Other than incompetence, laziness, and/or bad parenting, I got no explanations here.

I do think that Elmer should be kicked out of town on principle, for showing up in Central City wearing that outfit. Hmmm, Central City? Keeping my fingers crossed that their lawyer is Drunken CAFE lout!

*Gil has only spent the second half of his life on Earth.

Lots of disconnected thoughts today, so each one gets its own short paragraph.

Any more appearances like the above and I swear I’m renaming him “Elmer the Slack-Jawed Mullet Yokel.”

Where is Panel 1 taking place? An enormous tepee?

Mysterious object alert: Yokel lunchbox? Illegal Immigrant tracking robot? Futuristic napkin holder? Stolen cash register?

If that is indeed Lisa Wyche…she wins for “Most Improved-Looking Character in the Whigham Era.”

o-4 for Brendan-Oyl? Start the suicide watch. Apparently even the happy kitty shirt can’t cheer her up.

Holy rippling Gil muscles, Batman! Looks like someone misses drawing superheroes. Are we going to have to start drug testing in this comic?

What’s your point Gil? That only American citizens can play baseball? C’mon, man. Even Marty Moon realizes it’s no longer 1953.

I hope Kaz isn’t jealous of Gil cheating on him with a new running partner.

Mimi wins for the most awkwardly phrased expositional phrase of the week. Why would she drop the “B.F.F.” acronym* to her old fart husband?

Looking at the quaint yet insane scenery, maybe it is 1953. Or the apocalypse.

*For those not in the know, B.F.F.=”Bulemic French Fry”, which is what all the kids are calling each other these days. What’s with these kids today?

While nobody would mistake this artwork for a Frank 1.0 train wreck, it does show that the new artist has been doing his homework on how to add a bit of extra Gil Thorp weirdness.

Creepy shadow crowd? Check!

Spontaneous confetti at every win! Check!

Marty Moon interview featuring Marty holding some mysterious non-microphone or tape recorder object? Check!

(And while it’s waaaaay to small…) At least one Kaz earring? Check!

The check-list of positives is just enough for me to overlook Kaz’s hair. (At least it’s still rather odd looking I suppose.) I’ll just stay chipper with Gil and leave it at that.

Dunno about you, but I really enjoyed today’s comic! Despite the fact this game won’t end for another week or so, there’s a whole lot to like here.

The first panel gives us an absolutely demented-looking Marty Moon, with a serious case of sausage fingers, as well as a very special onlooker: Sam Cassell, the NBA’s favorite alien.

Then the second (bonus-wide for big, big action!) panel gives us something close to resembling an actual slide into second base. Though the longer you look at it the weirder it becomes. For instance, I think #7’s legs are somehow simultaneously in front of him and behind him…is he sliding torso first? Additionally, he may be called for interference for inserting his hand into the fielder’s glove. And can that really be a regulation helmet? Or did Seton CC design special backless helmets to allow the full glory of their players’ mullets to shine through? (If so, we need to get Elmer one of those.)

Moving along, we have what I’d guess is Gil and Kaz in the dugout, but for all I know they might just be in prison watching the game on closed-circuit television. But what the crap is Gil wearing? My best guess is he was recruited by Big Ray to join the Jungle Patrol, where someone chopped of his right hand with a machete. Meanwhile, the depiction of Kaz is more promising than the last few attempts…with the moderately fluffy hair and all. He’s also closer to the numskull we’ve grown to love, as he feels the need to point at his own face while speaking. (”Me Kaz! Kaz knows to talk when pointed at by Kaz!”) However, I’m going to have to give him an incomplete grade for the day, based on the fact that inexplicable portions of his shirt are simply missing. Maybe they were chopped off with a machete as well?