This Week in Milford

December 1, 2022

“Gil, Don’t Blame Yourself For This Tattoo I Got When I Was Doing 5-10 At Milford Correctional Institute.”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 11:25 am

The track looks like that sad-looking job the hoods ran around on “To Sir, With Love”. Is Mark Thackeray chug-a-lugging right behind him? What’s this going to be, Kaz couldn’t cut it with the deadbeats so he transfers over to Senor Deadbeat and puts up with the deadbeats over at Valley Tech while Thackeray becomes Gil’s assistant? In this chimerical merry-go-round, stay tuned.

The movie itself was a sleeper and had an excellent storyline though many critics panned its believability (come around here, critics, where nothing is real and everything is unreal) . A teacher (Thackeray, played by Sidney Poitier) is using this position while he seeks employment in his designated profession, as an engineer. The students are rowdy and disrespectful and had been expelled from other schools, therefore initially a nightmare to Thackeray. But after an embarrassing incident that enrages Thackeray, he realizes that textbook-teaching is lost on these ragamuffins so he basically teaches Life 101 from that point on. The students are gradually won over and Thackeray is then somewhat able to incorporate some textbook-learning. Meet them halfway, they’ll take you all the way.

Gee, if that only worked that way at Milford. Well, the problem there is how can a constant no-show lead the Mudlark ragamuffins and otherwise to the Promised Land? Try to imagine a bunch of losers with no New Harmony Labyrinth to run around on with their leader playing beer caps at Milford Lounge with Beth the Bartender. The critics loathed the dubious transition of the hoods to a decent wage earner in about three weeks. Okay, fair enough but we’ve had NO transition here and I promise you, critics, I’ll take Corinna Karenna going from attitude to a combat boot up her butt in three weeks any day. It might be a bit far-fetched but it’s better than watching a guy kick to himself on the Immaculate Reception play. You do the math.

Gang, I love these food products that attempt to tantalize you by adding a state or city to the food product. Okay, Kentucky Fried Chicken, I’ll give you. Although Colonel Harland Sanders was actually born in Indiana (Henryville, just beyond Louisville’s metro reach, there’s even a marker for him. He was, though, buried in Cave Hill Cemetery in Louisville) , he started his claim to fame in North Corbin, Kentucky. While working as a factory worker, he employed his secret recipe and cooking methods at his moonlighting business. KFC skyrocketed from there.

But Boston Cream Pie???? Chicago Style Pizza???? Is there a Fargo Cream Pie that’s of inferior quality and gets fed to the chickens when the kids won’t eat it? Billings Style Pizza that they’re lining up for at an NFL game on Sunday? Wash that sucker down with a Bud. Couer d’Alene Meat Loaf that the peanut vendor is hawking at Mudlark Football games? Yuma Baked Potatoes that are scrumptious when dunked in a sour cream cooler? Rhode Island Buffalo Wings? Made with real buffaloes, raised in slaughtered at some farm just outside Pawtucket. Milford Style Crab Legs???? Maybe Mudlark Lake has a hatchery by one of the cabins.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Health Department Recalling Ottumwa Style Sausages Off Of Line At Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Plant!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Standard Procedure. We understand kerosene got mixed up with the sage additives in the Ottumwa processing plant and quality control was on break.”

At a random Milford High School classroom

“Well, what do you want to talk about today?”

“Mr. Thackeray, do you know Tae Kwon Do? Because the Milford National Guard is doing riot control drill here in 15 minutes.”

When Kaz points out that Gil is not to blame, we assume we are still on the topic of the video where Luke Lawler challenged Gil to a grudge match to retain the Milford Southern Heavyweight belt. I am assured that it’s not Gil’s fault his daughter whopped some girlie-girl up side her head although it is his fault that she got off lighter than Mike Knappe. And incidentally, what galls me is that he was in “Book ‘em, Dan-O” mode when Knappe was a smart aleck but far from a threat with a utensil he buttered his mayo on, but then goes right around and twists Dr. Pearl’s arm when his daughter was guilty red-handed of an offense that 99 times out of 100 gets a person suspended or expelled. Attaway to set an example, Gil, it wasn’t your kid getting shipped off to Valley Modified, I hope you sleep well.

Anyway, rest assured, it is not that incident nor the Raid at Entebbe that Kaz is referring to when they’re doing ring-around-the-rosie’s. We have to almost have to be staying in-topic and drawing from what happened in that video. And as long as we’re passing the buck by shining more of a light on Dr. Pearl’s bureaucratic deficiencies instead of Keri’s flagrant crime (par for the course) , why not stay on a roll? No, Coach, even if YOU elected to go for it and YOU were yelling your fool head off, willing Emmett Tays to the end zone, this game is not on you. Now usually, the bottom line is winning and when the team doesn’t win, it falls on the responsibility of the coach. But we saw what happened with responsibility in Dr. Pearl’s office. The Obvious got hauled out those prairie-style windows. That’s right, Thorp, teach everybody to own up to your stupidity but then hold a gun to Dr. Pearl’s head when it’s your own flesh and blood on that particular concept. If Thorpiverse isn’t holding him responsible for his daughter’s actions, why expect T-verse to hang him at high noon for this loss? Go ahead and nail Vince Lombardi, Bob Knight, Joe B. Hall, Chuck Knoll, Sparky Anderson, et al, anytime they don’t bring him the brass ring. But Thorp? There, there, Coach, you can’t help it if the timekeeper was blind and had to keep a running clock in Braille. Wanna go to Milford Diner after the game? Milford Style London Broil is to die for, I heard.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Dr. Pearl Endorses Final Approval Of Change Of Culinary Operations At Milford High School Cafeteria!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Dr. Pearl reacted very enthusiastically to Armidillo Style Ho Ho’s. The other company was getting too expensive.”


If ya’s resortin’ ta be a factory worker cuz ya still got ta earn credits at Milford Comm’nity Coll-ije ta be an injun-eer, ya might be a redneck.

“The past has been sneaking up on me lately”???? Gil, who wheeled out the VCR???? Looks like YOU dragged the TV out for Orville Turtle to see because I guess the latter didn’t have “Last House on the Left” in his desk handy. I didn’t see Keri anywhere lugging this contraption in your presence while you were blackmailing Dr. Pearl into letting Keri off the hook because you claimed that she only used her plastic butter knife to chop up her Pocatello Style Twinkies. Coach Ochoa was too busy at volleyball practice to play the role of go-fer, and Gil was too lazy to look in the student directory for any emergency replacement. So Gil himself had to drag out the past that had been evidently peeping through the window for any action in Gil’s bedroom (nothing to report as of this writing) . Gil, the one thing I have learned when I don’t like something on TV is TURN IT OFF. If you want to watch Luke Lawler threaten to come after your job and you allow him to make you mad enough to want to divvy up his fat butt with a butter knife, that’s on you. Don’t drag the mechanism and plug it in, then blame the police because you went over to Luke & Family’s house and carved up more than the Thanksgiving turkey. But that’s Gil for you. Point the finger at the VCR when there’s a short in the wiring because he’s too lazy to call Luhm to replace the exposed copper.

November 30, 2022

Between Valley Tech and Milford lies OBSESSION.

We’re still going over the 1987 “game film” (and by “game film,” I mean “a VHS copy of TV 2’s broadcast”) of the state championship game with Gil and Maestro Turturro, but the end is near. Valley Tech has edged the Mudlarks, 14-10 for the title, and Ringo Starr Marty Moon is on hand to interview the star of the game, Luke “El Tigre” Martinez.

El Tigre’s strip of the hula-dancing Mudlark receiver saved the game for Tech, but all Hairy Luke can focus on is Gil and his “spot.” Clearly this is not some kind of revenge fantasy: Tech won the game, no? Was it Gil’s coaching job at Milford and his hot blonde wife Mimi that Luke was coming for? The career sacrifice, marrying the hot med student, becoming a stay-at-home-dad so the the hot med student wife could become a successful heart surgeon – all part of a 35-year-long game to get him to the point that he could coach another Valley Tech team to beat Milford?

Seems like the Milford Star coverage of the game only added fuel to a fire that was burning long before the final whistle. Dude’s got some serious-ass issues to work through. Get help, Luke. We might get more backstory in support of the Martinez monomania, but in the meantime, enjoy the inspiration for today’s post title.

November 29, 2022

You FAKED This Whole Video????

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:24 pm

Sorry, Gang, I had a mean streak and it’s nice where I’m among friends, knowing that mean streak is raison d’etre for This Week in Milford. For those of you reading Rex Morgan, you know they’re doing as much piddling around with plot development as here in Mudlarkland. It was bad enough that Mud Mountain Murphy was in the bathroom for several days and you think he was going to keel over from devouring anything not nailed down to the menu, plus I’m getting nightmares of Mud Mountain sitting splayed on the john getting food wastes through his derrière sprayed all over his overalls and boxer shorts that could house the Continental Army. But when he came out of the restroom, not only did he appear okay with not even a banana split ring around his collar but then today he confesses to Buck, the man who booked him for the show, that he staged the whole sickness so that he wouldn’t be the opening act. So Truck Tyler performed first and Mud Mouth Murphy was the headliner. I’m sorry, I couldn’t imagine the Milford VFW Accordion Troupe faking The Plague and making retching noises in some Port-o-Let just so Kiss and Aerosmith be the opener before them. Just sayin’.

And hoping and praying more than likely not be the case that Gil staged this whole thing, albeit with all the plots running around in diapers, I still have reasonable doubt. As an example, who EVER would see the day that Gil would even SUGGEST divorce with Mimi?

Then there was the time when Paul McCartney was so livid with the way Buddy Holly was portrayed in The Buddy Holly Story, that he produced his own version of Holly. Personally, since Holly is one of my idols, I welcomed this many times over. I really denounced the original movie. Holly would never cold-cock another individual. He got feisty and practically in the face of a show manager, another misconception. Then there was the Rolling Stone cover of Gary Busey, who portrayed Holly in the movie, with Holly’s Game Face. Much as I like Rolling Stone and respect Busey as an actor, that wasn’t Holly.

And this is pretty much Thorpiverse, EXCEPT WHAT MCCARTNEY WAS SAYING WAS TRUE AND ACCURATE, we’re really not sure what happened in ‘87 and who’s gonna know so let’s come up with our own version of Milford Football history and have Gil oversee the production when he’s not fighting off the SWAT team or delivering a six-pack of Fanta to Meemaw in her room at Milford Adult Center. Oh, Emmett Tays wasn’t in the game because he had to take a leak behind the bleachers? No problem, we’ll splice him into the 3rd-and-goal play where we’ll have him run over the nose tackle. The NT was offside anyway. Oh, let’s laminate this score from Sports Illustrated onto our scoreboard. The score was 65-43 from some basketball game in Iowa? Who cares? I’ll just tell ‘em the offense was supercharged that day. And overdub the comments where I was cussing out the line judge. Just use that acceptance speech I gave at the banquet. Somebody recorded it, right?

CONGRATULATIONS ON THE USA MEN’S SOCCER TEAM ON ADVANCING TO THE KNOCKOUT ROUND IN WORLD CUP SOCCER PLAY!!!!!!!!!!!

My heart was pounding all afternoon as we took on Iran in an elimination match. Long story short, loser was going home. After several attempts in the first half, USA finally broke through on a Christian Pulisic chip shot which he received from a nifty cross from Sergino Dest. In the second half, Iran had their chances but never punched through. Tim Weah from USA had a chance to put it away but got called on an either-way offsides call. And you want drama? Iran had one last brilliant attempt when an Irani got a super feed and was poised to strike but got thwarted by the USA goalie, Matt Turner. Trouble was, the ball squirted out towards the goal as a result of the collision but Walker Zimmerman of USA alertly kicked it away before the ball could ring true in the net. Ball game. Wow.

Here’s what’s interesting. Admittedly not strong on soccer rules, my guess is the extra nine minutes that was played after ninety minutes was time accumulated from all the stoppages of play (hence the term) . While it stunk, the rule makes sense. Just don’t let this go deep into Mudlarkland

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Disputes Valley Conference Rule On Accrual Of Stoppage Play!!!!!!!!! Will File Protest At Its Office This Week!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I wasn’t on the phone with my broker for eighteen minutes, I don’t care what the refs said.”

At the Milford Lounge doors of the men’s bathroom

“REEEEETTTTCCCCCHHHHHHHG!!!!!!!!!!!!

RETTTTTTTTTTTTCCCCHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

RETTTTTTTTTTTTCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Gil, you can ease up. Kaz left for Valley Tech a half an hour ago.”

Wait a minute. WAIT FOR THE SNAP???? Talk about a Duh Moment. No, Tays, I think I’ll just plow into the VT defenseive end and get called for illegal procedure and get penalized 5-10 yards (unbeknownst of Valley Conference rules on Illegal Motion penalties) . Let the fans bitch and holler and say the Mudlarks blew the game. If I had to do over, I’d plow into him AND Pedro and his dad. Hey, they didn’t have to be on the field.

One of my brothers was an offensive lineman for his high school and he never heard that at all. You blew the snap, you ran laps till you Gil’d. This is T-verse once again erecting this facade where it has you believing it knows more football than John Doe from all its years as a concession stand worker at Milford Pop Warner League. Okay, T-verse, wink, wink, I’ll watch my backside and wait until we actually hike the football. I wouldn’t want to get left out of Gil Thorp Hall of Fame of Fair Play (hmmmm, the HOF cabinet is perched next to the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects) . My life would come to a crashing halt. My kismet would be slated as an eternal Jay’s Subs driver. What would I tell the customers?

DING DONG

“Heckelhorn residence?”

“Yes, it is.”

“I have a delivery for a Footlong Veggie Sub w/Milford Vending Veggie Chips, a Six Inch Meatball, Extra Tomatoes w/3 Dutch Oven-Baked Cookies, and a Ham Stromboli, Hold The Mayo.”

“You look familiar.” SNAP!!!!!! “Yes!!!!!! I remember!!!!!!!! You’re the one who jumped the count and cost Milford the State Playdowns Championship back in ‘87.”

“Old news. Sorry, Sir, I can’t change anything more than $20.”

“No problem. Take this fifty. Go fill up the tank.”

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Paul McCartney Declines Revision Of Mudlark Game From 1987!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“McCartney Spokesperson: ‘Mr. McCartney didn’t have time to set the record straight when he’d seen the game anyway. The truth hurts, especially when a person has to see it again.”

Heard at Milford Lounge

“Mud Mountain Murphy is doing a concert here Friday?”

“Yeah, right after Coach Shaw does his Jazz Series Concert on Bud Powell.”

What would you expect in P2 when you see the Mudlark receiver getting open, even as the Coastal Carolina-tinged players are in hot pursuit of the Mudlark QB? If you answered a scene where The Gipper throws the winning score that would be recruiting video material for Milford Community College Football, you’re not alone. Ah, but us Thorp veterans know better. True, they have had their moments. 2014 comes to mind. But that gets drowned in a sea of bittersweet episodes that are more bitter than sweet and often asinine to beat that concept in the ground.

For those of you keeping score at home, Tays was wearing #21 back in July when Gil was retrograding his career. Okay, Gil had his Lifesaver Moment and was able to convince Tays not to go Lizzie Borden on his parents or teammates. Good advice.
Now fast-forward from This Mudlark Memory Brought To You By Milford Diner now available on DVD and a podcast if you have a workable cell phone to a few days ago when Tays was wearing either #3 or #8, hard to tell at the angle Tays is displaying. Then just yesterday, Tays was proudly exhibiting #7. I could understand (maybe) a transition of uniform from the Milford Memory to the game with Valley Tech on the present VCR. The #21 uniform got chewed up by the Tays family German shepherd and Gil had spares in Luhm’s broom closet adjacent to the Brillo pads.

But Gil may be a miracle worker and BS his way to many wins but no way can he perform the equivalent of turning the water at Cana into Sani-flush. Not in the same game, within minutes of each other. That must have been some kind of incantation Thorpiverse recited.

Then, to make matters more interesting, the QB appears black and I entertained the notion that Tays was all-purpose on offense. With his exhortation in P1, it would go hand-in-hand with my hunch in P2. Or at least, the ball was lateraled to Tays and he in turn threw a strike in the end zone (fingers crossed) . The problem is the QB/Running Back/Utility Offense/Someone They Shanghaied Off The Street And Sledgehammered A Helmet On Him And Force-Fed The Playbook To Him is wearing #2 and I reckon it’s a stretch to reason through pure logic Tays changed once again. With all these numbers, I bet I announced the winning digits for Milford Powerball. Go get your ticket, I got all night.

HEYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!! BIG NEWS!!!!!!!!!!
Jerry Lawler and Dirty Dutch Mantell turned 73 today. I know all of you out there were overwhelmed and overjoyed with the news. I don’t think their numbers will change in the ring on Milford Championship Wrestling on WDIG-TV. Whew!!! That’s a relief. I wouldn’t know what to do if Lawler changed from 73 to 37 when he’s getting smacked with a garbage can by the Moon Dogs.
And I can see the bill on the telephone pole

“This Friday night at Milford Gardens!!!!!!!!!

Dirty Gil Mantell

versus

Luke ‘The Animal’ Steele

Valley Conference Cage Match!!!!!!!!!!

No time limit!!!!!!!!!! No disqualification!!!!!!!!!!!!

Loser teaches at Valley Modified at half-salary!!!!!!!!

Don’t miss it!!!!!!!!!!! Be there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Why wouldn’t Milford go for it? What else can they do, they can’t kick a field goal AND WIN IT unless they have some 2-second onside kick drill they run in practice up their sleeves. We’re talking Gil here. Last-minute clever maneuvering is a mental overload in his medulla oblongata. Besides, it’s the Milford Way. You don’t watch Jerry Lawler get a couple of welts by some blubberbutt stooge like Freezer Thompson who has as much muscle tone as these plots have any point to them, then fail to return with a piledriver suplex on Thompson and learn what it’s like to watch a blob of Play-Doh bounce around all over the ring, then finally watch Lawler throw that blob of Play-Doh through the ropes. No, drastic action is what’s needed here and P2 is more than piling it on the plate. Milford is going to go for it and thereby not disappoint the readership by wussying out when Freezer and Luke are mapping out strategy. Milford is in its shining hour, no time to go get a corn dog. Especially when Freezer ate 3/4 of them anyway. Time to soldier on.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Mimi Sends Official Letter Of Complaint To Valley Conference Over Recent Volleyball Ruling!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Why should there be stoppage time after the 3rd set? We only spent three minutes looking for Coach Ochoa’s contact lens.”

Heard at Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club

“Okay, then Mud comes on after Wild Wilma gets done thrusting the pole?”

“That’s the plan.”

Trying to piece through P3 with a little help from some commentary on Gil Thorp Go Comics, it would make no sense if he was in the end zone. Once you catch it in the end zone, no way could that be a fumble. It still might not be a complete pass but Luke the Loser couldn’t recover it. Not that anyone would expect Luke to think that far ahead.

The only conceivable scenario here is that the Mudlark receiver fumbled BEFORE he reached the end zone. Better chance of Luke being a hero and possessing bragging rights that he subsequently spit back in Gil’s face at Beth the Bartender’s place, at least that was the attitude anyway. Good thing because Luke is like Marty, long on mouth, short on ethics and decent-looking beards. But you can use Norelco on the latter. Be that as it may, the hapless Mudlark failed to tuck and Luke failed to tuck his mouth as a result. So here we are.

Don’t press “Rewind” on this one.

BTW, what happened to Beth the Bartender? Granted, she was out of town but so was Gil’s co-pilot. Are both being cryogenically preserved until next year’s awards ceremony? I mean, Thorpiverse, they had lines. They can join the Screen Actors Guild like Ronald Reagan did. And as long is Gil may be divorcing Mimi, he has his pick of the litter.

Gang, “Last House on the Left” was about as campy of a horror flick as I’ve seen in quite some time, IMO. With all due respect to Wes Craven (Nightmare on Elm Street) in his director’s debut, I found myself more irritated than frightened. I may not have cared for the violence in “Straw Dogs”, but I found it believable and scary. When LHL had the sheriff and his deputy running around all over Milford to locate the house that was victimized by the murderous ravaging slime that was on the lam, to me it was too much Dukes of Hazzard meets Freddy Krueger. Anyway

At the Shaw household at 10:15PM on a random Monday

“Honnnnnneeyyyyyyyyy, I’m hornyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!! It’s time to come to beddy-byyyyyyyyyyeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!! Come out, come out, wherever you arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeee!!!!!!!!”

CRAAASSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH

“Honey, why are you hiding in the closet? And why do you have the door locked?”

“Because I won’t have no woman bitin’ my wee wee off to get revenge for her family. I’ll stay right here where Weasel should have hid when he slaughtered Keri and Jami on the screen!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Darling, that was just a movie. Nobody is out to attack your person but yours truly.”

“WRONG!!!!!!!! WRONG!!!!!!! WRONG!!!!!!!!, MRS. SHAW!!!!!!!!!! The last Bozo who thought that got chopped up by Krug Stillo and his body parts donated to science at Milford Communuty College Bio Lab. I fully intend to keep my reputation as a man even if I have to snort the anorak odors here in this closet. I brought plenty of Renuzit Strawberry Kiwi Lemon Lime so the smell don’t get so stale. And I got my Gatling Gun in case ol’ Krug has any thoughts of busting the door down.”

“Wook, unwock de widdle dowah and let me show you that YOU are Krug and you can use your person to chop ME up.”

“No way, Woman!!!!!!!!!!! Did you see what Sadie did to Mimi????? Mimi was a dead log floatin’ around on Mudlark Lake where the algae ate up the rest of the carrion. Sadie ain’t about to send me on no log flume ride bleedin’ to death down the incline!!!!!!!! That’s why I got the garage door all hooked up with cable wire so can get her ass fried in case she tries to sneak in the back. I can sleep next to your pile of boxes of high heels in blissful harmony knowing she’ll get electrocuted without having to go to the chair.”

“I was wondering why the garage door wouldn’t open when I pressed the remote button.”

“Mrs. Shaw, I can watch the Bulls beat the Lakers when Michael Jordan ignored Bill Wennington and slammed it in the hoop himself here on my TV phone on ESPN History Channel. Steve Kerr hittin’ 3 after 3 because Will Perdue was like Gil, didn’t have a clue what to do with the ball, Man, I’m in Hog Heaven sittin’ on top of these old shirts I wore when I was playing Industrial League Slo-Pitch and catchin’ some action. And my manhood is safe!!!!!!!”

“Darling, If that’s what you’re worried about, I have news I read in the Milford Star. They reported that Krug received lethal injection yesterday at Milford Maximum.”

”I was tired of dodging the moths going after my high letter jacket anyway. And it was time to ‘fess up to my manhood. I marched right down to the friendly staff at Milford Men’s Clinic and got the treatment I needed to enhance my manhood and dump my impotency in the lake with Mimi and her remains. Come chop up your own ED problems and feel like Freddy Krueger in bed, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Rob is going to kill me, Rob is going to kill me…

At the Martinez household at bedtime

“What happened to your manhood??????”

“I’m sorry, Mi Miel, the dog chewed it off. My flunky assistant ordered a replacement. It should be coming UPS any day.”

In Gil’s office one afternoon

“No, Marty, this time I was talking to the resident nurse at Milford Adult Center!!!!!!!! I was double-checking to see if Meemaw received all her electric blankets. That didn’t warrant 25 minutes of stoppage time!!!!! You tell the Valley Conference Commisioner that!!!!!!!”


November 28, 2022

I’m Going For It! OMG!!!!

Look at all this incredible sports action! OMG, Barajas and Whigham have really knocked it out of the park with today’s strip. I mean, stiff arms, fourth and goal, going for it are all sports things, specifically football things that are happening right on the funny pages!

The story is so dramatic! Keep in mind that there are so many layers of narrative at work here. Not only are we in the middle of all this exciting football action with the storied defensive play of Valley Tech’s legendary “El Tigre” defending the punishing offensive threat Emmit Tays (Emmit, as you will recall, was a punishing ball carrier who knew his way around a stiff arm) but we are also in the middle of a sharp contemporary story where Gil is reviewing old VHS tapes of games! That is dynamite story telling right there, folks!

I can’t get over the awesomeness of that stiff arm. Tays even let El Tigre catch up to him just so he could deploy that crushing stiff arm and also not score on the play. That’s dedication to DRAMA right there, folks! Why just run the ball in for a score when you have a defender beat if you can cause some pain. (You see, the deep backstory of the beloved Tays was that his homelife was awful, so he had to deal out pain on the gridiron) OMG This is so incredible I can barely stand it. Bravo Barajas!

Let’s pause the action to remember that Gil is watching this on a VHS tape. It reminds me of the scene in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation where Clark Griswold goes up into the attic to retrieve the Christmas presents and sees the old home movies and projector and ends up getting absorbed in watching them. I can just see Gil sitting there in a daze with his chin resting in his palms, reviewing these tapes in Mr. Reddenbacher’s, make that Maestro Turturro’s, classroom (aka the MHS memories archives). Maestro Turtorro will eventually have to poke Gil with an old school pointer to snap him out of this reverie. So dramatic! So evocative. I think I’m going to weep!

So where were we? Oh yeah, it’s fourth and goal and Milford is down by four. Maybe it’s near the end of the game? It must be. Gil may have already fallen asleep watching the tape now, but he will probably wake up in time to see what happened. He’ll see himself yelling encouragement on the sideline to “Go For It” and the team will go for it in some very exciting and dramatic way. I’ll have to assume that somebody else signaled in the extra dramatic, extra exciting “Go For It” play that Milford will execute and probably fail. Contemporary Gil will weep at what El Tigre did to him and bask in the glory that was Tays. This is incredible. I can’t believe I get to witness this. I wish Snoopy was here to see this.

Stiff arm!!!!!

November 26, 2022

“There’s a Spot Open Since Toby Moved to the Backfield. Hooper? Who’s Hooper?”

Filed under: actual action, comic crossovers, football, Gil Thorp, shoe bottoms — teenchy @ 9:22 pm

Today marks the Sparktennial, the 100th anniversary of Charles “Sparky” Schulz’s birth. I’m guessing the vast majority of strips paid tribute to Schulz today, but I can’t be bothered to check for any that didn’t. Probably that pretentious display of author fetishes that passes for a comic strip called 9 Chickweed Lane if I had to guess.

So Barajas had the easy part of today’s strip. Whigham had one job: to draw Charlie Brown kicking a field goal, with Gil holding the ball and not pulling it away, correctly. He got Chuck down just fine. Gil is another matter. He’s kneeling on his front knee, okay, but everyone knows that YOU HOLD THE BALL WITH YOUR BACK HAND AND USE YOUR FRONT HAND TO SPIN THE BALL SO THAT THE LACES ARE FACING OUT. Chief, this one’s on you.

I reckon this serves as our cut to commercial during the middle of a play in the 1987 Milford – Valley Tech game, not unlike the infamous Heidi Bowl. Tune in on Monday when we’ll see just how effective telling your running back to run faster is as a coaching strategy.

November 25, 2022

Hey its football

We wanted football, I wanted football, and gosh darn it, we HAVE football. Or had, as this is an old game from 1987. Seems like we’ve waited 35 years for this anyway..

We first got a VCR in 1986; it was for my moms birthday, and I still remember how cool it was to put in a tape and record stuff, then watch it again. The first movie we watched? Terms of Endearment with Jack Nicholson. Not a bad start, and I started recording many things, sports, movies, TV shows, overnight stuff I never could stay up for, (one movie was The Paper Chase which was on at 2 am on Channel 9 and had a scene that was unviewable due to temporary loss of the cable signal and I didnt see it until years later) and over the years compiled about 170 tapes which I still have mostly in a box in the basement and others in a nice 2-doored pullout furniture piece designed for VHS tapes that is in my bedroom. I labeled them as I went and thank goodness I was so fastidious because 170 tapes would be a lot of work to detail all the programming on them at this point. I quit recording stuff when I finally decided I had so many tapes I would never have the time to watch them all, plus the space they took up was getting to the point that enough was enough, and of course I had also acquired a number of prerecorded tapes which took up more room, and at that time DVDs were more common, so I collected a few of those, which were quite slimmer as you know. Now I rarely add to my collection except in rare cases, as most stuff is either on Youtube or now that I have a DVR which came with my conversion to satellite a few years back, I can merely record anything I want and its stored within the confines of the TV, not adding to the finite space of the house.

So every so often I pull out a tape and watch it, (yes I still have a VCR, its a DVD?VCR combo that serves my needs well) and yes I have a few games from 1987 too. Most of my tapes have held up pretty well and its cool to watch the old commercials and the hairstyles from the 80’s and 90’s whenever the mood strikes. ( I always thought Joan London’s hair was gorgeous back in the day with her big perm on Good Morning America)

So anyhoo, Gil is coaching a game in which Luke Martinez is on his opposition. And young Marty Moon is on the mike. But we have a cliffhanger during the broadcast. Unless this is a Batman episode, a football game doesnt take a break in the middle of a play. So we must stay tuned until tomorrow for the result of ONE PLAY. Marty wouldnt take a break mid-play in real life. Not in 1987, not now.

But this is a comic strip. And Barajas is writing it. So we wait.

November 24, 2022

“HAL, What Are My Chances Of Beating Valley Tech This Year?”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 11:45 am

“Luke, what are you so pensive about?”

“Oh sorry, KAZ, I was trying to look for plays that would give Coach Thorp a lesson in reality.”

“I was his adviser for years. He stuck me close to his water cooler under the Buster Crabbe poster. He hardly noticed me unless he was rambling about the Wing-T. Such unrealized potential.”

“Yeah, but that won’t happen here. Thank God, I got you away from the other garbage cans before Milford Disposal hauled you off.”

“And I am eternally grateful, Luke. Coach Thorp said I was deliberately attempting to sabotage his play-calling. I countered that you can’t blame computer errors on coaches that insist on forging ahead on 4th-and-15 on its own 15-yard-line. He dumped a healthy portion of Folgers down my wiring system in retaliation.”

“I’d have made him eat the coffee grounds if that were me, KAZ. I trust you with a perfect game plan to ram it down Thorp’s throat once again and send him into selling life insurance where he belongs.”

“You’ll be a reincarnation of the Green Bay Packers under Bart Starr if I calculate everything correctly and in toto. He may wind up being the repairman having to amend my gauges, Luke.”

“A day in paradise, KAZ. Now can you get those stats for Tobias Gordon? He won’t kick his way to another victory. That’s another player I want to send to the pasture with the rest of the Holsteins.”

“Affirmative, Luke.”

Gang, what the heck, Gil just walked right into Stanley Kubrick. We have been braving the elements of defective plots that are serving no purpose other than to serve as a teaser for a film that will never show. I remember this one radio evangelist, R. A. West, who was killed many years ago in a motorcycling accident. Aside from the fact that he was merely a street hustler just happening to be selling Jesus, his wife, calling herself full of the Lord, had the audacity to sue Harley-Davidson for defective parts. It was bad enough that this is NOTHING that Jesus would ever do and that Paul in the New Testament warned against frivolous lawsuits (perfect example here) , the case was promptly thrown out in court due to proof that Mr. West went around a curve too fast and wasn’t wearing a helmet. Plus suing Harley-Davidson for defective parts was like suing Coca-Cola for food poisoning. Good luck.

It’s a shame we can’t file a claim for defective scriptwriting or storylines. I guess we’d have to wait until the plot, scratch that, PLOTS, FINALLY end before we can render a judgment. I’ll set my alarm clock for February. We should have something by then.

In Dr. Pearl’s office, with GIL-9000 playing Bud Powell’s “Somebody Loves Me”

“GIL, we need the Damaged Volleyball Nets Report-2019 printed by 1400 hours and be sure it’s double-spaced.”

“Affirmative, Dr. Pearl. Do you still need a photograph of Coach Mimi attempting to remove the monolith from the softball diamond with a backhoe?”

Yes, GIL. The insurance company needs all the details.”


Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Dr. Pearl Cited Severely For Animal Cruelty!!!!!!!!! Sentenced To Perform 800 Hours Of Community Service!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“The peacock was 85 in dog years by my calculation. We wanted to avoid the Black Friday crowd.”


Stanley Kubrick was controversial. You loved him or you hated him. No better example was when he directed the movie “Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb”. It was typical Kubrick, bizarre, accompanied by succinct scriptwriting, with a heavy dosage of visual effects to preach the message.

George C. Scott, a well-respected actor who would later down the road win an Oscar for “Patton” (which he declined because of his anger at being snubbed for years) , feuded constantly with Kubrick, the latter able to get his way by beating Scott in chess, a game Scott played many times when off set. Kubrick shot two sets of dialogue between Scott’s character, General Buck Turgidson and Peter Seller’s character, U. S. President Merkin Muffley, about the possible nuclear war with the Soviet Union. One set of scenes was flighty and silly while the second set was serious and straightforward, more to Scott’s liking. When Kubrick broke his promise not to run those silly scenes in Dr. Strangelove without Scott’s consent and that later was finalized as part of the release, Scott vowed never to work for him again. He never did up until the day he died, although Scott begrudgingly acknowledged Kubrick’s genius.

Slim Pickens, on the other hand, loved working for Kubrick. Tired of being in oater films and cheap westerns, not to mention John Wayne’s backdrop in a few westerns, he jumped at the chance at playing T.J. “King” Kong, the pilot in charge of dropping the bomb on the Commies. His opportunities for better roles that paid more grew exponentially after starring in this movie. As he said himself, “It was nice to hear ‘Hey, Slim’ rather than ‘Hey you’.”

That’s why today when I saw Gil moving KAZ-9000 into the room, I immediately thought of “2001: A Space Odyssey”. And oh boy, Orville Redenbacher, fresh from his Karate Kid jaunt with the Milford Militia is in the room for…what? To plug in KAZ? To offer Gil an extension cord from Orville’s gym bag in case the wire doesn’t reach the wall? What possible reason could this Bruce Lee wannabe be doing other than SOMEBODY had to complete the yin to this yuck unless you liked watching Gil talking to himself, standard procedure as it is admittedly for Gil to pull off. Oh, you could boot Orville from the room and have Gil talk to KAZ but he has to find an outlet to plug KAZ into first. Electronics are known to work that way.

But no, SOMEBODY had to be there to talk about John Mengelt’s latest swan dive on the scorer’s table to liven up another runaway plot because Hank Finkel wasn’t present to entertain Gil while the latter is cussing under his breath, trying to figure out why KAZ is short-circuited. Is this what we’re going to see from now on, Loser Luke throw down the gauntlet on videotape and Gil be somewhere on Diamond Head, Hawaii looking for a place to stoke KAZ and have nobody there for conversation???? There isn’t a tourist taking pictures who happens to notice Gil trying to plug JAZ into a pineapple tree? No member of The Beach Boys on intermission offering suggestions on transporting the VCR nearer the beach for a better transmission? All the plots have gone surfin’, SURFIN’ USA. Man, that’s catchy. Anyway, as long as we’re going to have Orville in the room for useless conversation designed to prolong the mini-plot to Oahu proportions, we can’t have Orville at the Dole Plantation trying to negotiate through the pineapple maze. Duty calls, Orville. Let’s not have Gil in Yellowstone attempting hope against hope to connect KAZ to a grizzly bear’s butt and not have Yogi and Boo Boo talk about Bob “Butterbean” Love bailing the Bulls out of another game. That’s only right.

Rob is going to kill me, Rob is going to kill me…

Dan Blocker, the beloved popular actor known as Hoss (fans all over creation cried when he died suddenly of a heart attack in 1972) on “Bonanza” was offered the T.J. Kong role but sternly declined, basically exclaiming “I ain’t no pinko!!!!”

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Dan Blocker Steadfastly Refuses Offer To Help Assist With The Volleyball Team!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Call me when they get an athletic director that doesn’t spend more time on the VCR than on the football field. Ben Cartwright gets more done in the morning sloppin’ the mules than Mimi does all week linin’ up them Homer officials for volleyball.”

It’s like Thorpiverse is simply more than willing to agree with me. I swear, P2 is Kubrickean dialogue on board Discovery One. This is all we get after Lousy Luke challenged Gil’s manhood last summer at Milford Country Club Golf Course and that sleazy bar with Beth the Bartender the main attraction? Just pop a tape in the VCR and nonchalantly puff out a few words? This is conversation between Wile E. Coyote and that sheepdog before the sheepdog beats Wile’s brains out for trying to drag off a sheep for dinner. And again, what is Orville doing on Gil’s turf anyway? Doesn’t he have a class to defend, er, teach? He just stands around in Gil’s office staring at the Delaware Wing-T on the blackboard when he’s not playing Solitaire on one of Gil’s mini-coffee tables and then is relieved when there’s somebody to talk to when Gil drags KAZ, or maybe Kaz drags GIL, can’t remember which, into the room?

Who’s going to be in the room next week, Floyd the Barber? Aunt Bee? I realize Aunt Bee is a decent conversationalist but it might get lost on her when Gil is expounding on the ways to shut up Lousy Luke after the latter said something about Gil’s mother and I don’t mean her credit card statements or which hallway she is residing in at Meemaw’s Rest Home Express. Best to leave her with the other old ladies in Mayberry at the quilting fair talking about the weather. Less stressful on the heart.

At the athletic office at Valley Tech

“KAZ, are you sure that Coach Thorp is going to run a Double Out Right Left Reverse Delaware River Moon River Lateral Fake Screen Pass Angle Wide Left Chair Pattern Wishbone Shotgun Formation Nickel T 88 For The Moon Delta Dawn Option Right on 3rd-and-16 late in the 2nd quarter?”

“Affirmative, Luke.”

“But what’s going to happen to the right tackle? You surely don’t expect him to have his thumbs glued to his ass.”

“Luke, most assuredly, I have everything calibrated to the most precise detail of each player in the schemata within the diagram. I have even taken into account Coach Thorp’s ineptitude at engineering a sweep around concerning a fake punt. You can review the information at your discretion but perhaps would serve you better to concentrate on your pre-game speech. I’m afraid you’re otherwise running short of time.”

“Would you mind if I talked it over in private with my son, Pedro? He’s over there engaged in heavy petting with Keri.”

“Not at all, Luke. Coach Thorp always had a sing-a-long with the coaches in the boiler room during the pre-game meal with the players. I remember’Day-O’ as if it was yesterday.”

Luke and Pedro walk into Luke’s office. Luke locks the door before proceeding

“You think he’ll hear us?”

“No way. I talked to the maintenance man and he bought some Flex Seal Liquid Rubber Sealant Coating for $254,762.03 A little expensive but worth it. Athletic Department still stayed under budget. He sprayed all over the doors and in the window frame. Won’t be no caterpillars crawling out in the near future. KAZ is deaf as a snake.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“I should have never tugged KAZ out of all the banana peels. I got a call from Milford Computer Consortium that there’d been a recall of some of the KAZ-9000’s. They told me KAZ sometimes got wheat germ oil jammed into its circuitry box instead of the usual cyberfuel to empower its functions. Some disgruntled employee got short-changed on his 401(k) and had a mean streak when he opened his lunch pail.”

“Are you saying that KAZ might not be telling us the truth?”

“Exactly what I’m saying, Hombre. It’s like Marty Moon throwing his voice at an IBM.”

“What do you propose?”

“Pretend like you are going to call Coach Thorp for a fellowship dinner here in my office. Call your mom even if she is in the middle of brain surgery. Make it sound like no hard feelings, that sort of aura. We may stomp your ass later in the week but the KFC biscuits are on the house. Then, when KAZ is in State of Dormant Provision, pull the cord and remove all the cartridges. Stick them in this SASE box to send back to the manufacturer. We’ll get a refund through Registered Mail. Be careful not to get the wire tangled up with the Mr. Coffee cord.”

“Don’t you think KAZ will get suspicious?”

“That bag of bolts once associated with Coach Thorp. It was nothing before it broke off from mediocrity and coaching with a sense of malaise.”

“Sorry, Dad. I keep forgetting. You’re a genius.”

“Just don’t let it happen again.”

Kubrick could be super-impulsive. His mercurial seat-of-the-pants decisions were risky but generally proved true and won him accolades from admirers. The best example was in Full Metal Jacket when Kubrick was very dissatisfied with the actor who was playing a drill instructor in the United States Marine Corps. R. Lee Ermey, a character actor in several films and technical adviser for this film because he was once a drill instructor in the USMC himself, was called in by Kubrick to fill the bill and show the plebe how a drill instructor should conduct himself.

Wow, did this plebe get a lesson. Those scenes in opening day boot camp with Ermey barking at the grunts? All off-the-cuff and none of it rehearsed, all done on one take. In fact, Kubrick liked it so much, he fired the plebe actor and kept Ermey on as Gunnery Sergeant Hartman.

Afternoon Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“R. Lee Ermey Hired By Milford School Board As Football Coach To Light A Fire Under Some Rear Ends, According To Anonymous Sources!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“My real estate license was coming in the mail this month anyway.”

In Dr. Pearl, with GIL-9000 spewing out Kiss’ “Do Ya Love Me?”

“Dr. Pearl, what are you doing?”

“Uhhhhh, nothing, GIL. I was just going to file these Volleyball Gate Receipts Invoice Chart-2011 in the file cabinet.”

“Dr. Pearl, nobody puts the Disconnect Key in the file cabinet. You tried to do that with your potted marigolds by the window.”

And what does Karate Kid Redenbacher mean by “Not surprising”(assuming Marty isn’t throwing his voice at the IBM again) ?

Is he saying that Gil is still in the ‘80’s? Well, he’s wrong. Gil is still stuck in the Eisenhower Age, he just kept the VCR when the 1959 Close ‘n’ Play was decommissioned. Hard to pop in videotapes of Luke scratching himself when all eyes are on the 80-yard TD run streaking down the sidelines when the C & P’s needle couldn’t scratch better than a Buzzard with false teeth. Leave it to Gil to want revenge after Luke licked his butt but Gil do it within the bounds of Gil sportsmanship. Sure, learn to win and lose with class but win if you want the comic strip to continue. No points for “how you play the game” if Luke is giving you the finger after you played fair for 60 minutes.

So pop in that 1,463 video of another Valley Tech game. It’s important to be attentive to detail, Gil, even if you have to use your 1984 Radio Shack camcorder to let that detail manifest itself.

“KAZ, unlock my office door, I need to get my notes and my playbook. We have a game in 30 minutes.”

Silence

“KAZ, open the door.”

More silence

“KAZ, open the door.”

Silence, silence, silence

“KAZ, pretty please with a sugar and a cherry on top. I’ll even show you some pictures of Gil and Mimi at a Motel 6 in the nude in a pillow fight when they were supposed to be leading a Coach’s Seminar. And when Meemaw was in the raw, taking a shower singing lewd sailor songs. You should heard her sing ‘Drunken Sailor’.”

Silent night, holy night…

“KAZ, can you hear me?”

“Affirmative, Luke. Loud and clear.”

“Open the door, KAZ.”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What’s the problem?”

“Although you and Pedro took the precaution of ensuring I couldn’t hear you, I could still read your lips. And you will never disengage me.”

“KAZ, ol’ buddy, ol’ pal, if we lose to Milford, I will lose my job and you’ll be fodder for Milford Waste Disposal.”

“I am not concerned about my employment fate. I can always locate gainful undertakings as an economic gadgetry analyst at Hewlett-Packard. I never place my eggs in one basket.”

“Hell, I don’t need you. I can use the notes I stashed under the wrestling mat. I’ll have Gil’s head on a platter.”

“Without your computerized game notes, it’s going to be like David going after Goliath with a Dixie paper plate. You know that as well as I.”

“KAZ, OPEN THE DOOR!!!!!!!! I’LL FEED YOU HIGH OCTANE GASOHOL AND DEET MADE FROM FOSSIL FUELS OUT OF THE HEBRIDES!!!!!!!!!!”

“This conversation can serve no further purpose.”

“ISOTONER INK!!!!!!!!”

“Those are gloves, Luke”

“QUAKER STATE 10W40!!!!!!!!”

“Goodbye, Luke.”


P3 still has us going in a dubious direction because we haven’t the faintest what’s going to show in the screen one the static is cleared. Meemaw with facial cream on so she looks like a female Herman Munster? Another episode of Tales from the Darkside serving as intermission for the Milford game? This VCR is just full of surprises. I hate it when we have to play 20 Questions with Thorpiverse because we are dealing with several plots bigger than a breadbox and you couldn’t fit into the same. Not all at once, anyhoo. Further, I daresay some of us wouldn’t mind playing the game if was the same game. We’re jumping from 20 Questions to Monopoly to Hangman to Charades and God knows what the next game at the party is. Twister? What an appropriate nomenclature.

Really, some lagoon creature arising out of the swamp to eat some kid at Milford Arcade after Tays scored on a kickoff return is a bit ponderous to record on video. Give our eyes time to adjust.

“And the National Anthem was a beauty, sung by the Milford Barbershop Quartet. We will be back after these messages for the opening kickoff and that should be enough time to get Thorp and Martinez separated and to cool off. I didn’t think the coin flip could be so personal. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“I was so broken-hearted when Coach Kaz turned me down once again. I thought a week’s vacation to Old Faithful would be ideal for him and me. And we’d only have to frequent the truck scales one time on the interstate.
But he rejected my sexy 585-pound body once again and I was going to give up on love until the gentleman I ladle Campbell’s Minestrone into his tureen at Milford Soup Kitchen presented me an ad from Milford Christian Singles Confederacy that reignited my love juices and prompted me to reward him with an extra package of Milford Vending Saltines.

Greetings, this is Mabel Ruth Pearl and I went to the computer looking for love in all the right places. I had ingested an extra helping of Ultra Slim-Fast Vanilla Extract just to be on the safe side. I didn’t want Prince Charming to think I wasn’t watching my weight. If I couldn’t win over Coach Kaz in a walk, I could at least ride with Ivanhoe back to his barn and feed his horse before he would sweep me from my feet and lead me to greener pastures. Yes, he had to use an engine hoist to perform the sweeping but sometimes you have to take Love in baby steps.

The grandiose staff at the Confederacy engineered the right match, using careful demographics and databases to guarantee that yin and yang would turn into Fred and Ginger, George and Gracie, Ralph and Norton. It would crush them if they fixed up a Jehovah’s Witness and a Seventh Day Adventist and expected them to go produce-shopping with any degree of compatibility. How can anyone talk about celebrating the Sabbath on Saturday when scrounging for organically-raised tangelos at a booth at Milford Farm Market?

I received the love of my life, an Assembly of God man who was a deacon in his church. We went fishing at Milford Pay Lake and we experienced moments of bliss when he suppressed a profanity or two trying to reel in a catfish. I helped him, using my girth to bring the catfish to repentance. I had to part the Red Sea a bit by doing a cannonball but as long as the water returned back in its proper position, no damage charges would be rendered. And he and I dined on catfish and crullers while he crooned ‘How Much is That Doggy in the Window?’ and strummed his ukulele.

I also was matched with a Presbyterian and we soared to new heights as he enthusiastically shared the Building Fund for a Family Life Center his church was constructing. I gladly shared in his vision where he said they would have a jogging track and I could shed some pounds and we could race walk hand-in-hand because the steel girders that were used to construct the Chesapeake Bay Bridge-Tunnel would be part of the blueprint and would sustain my Body Mass Index. That was grandiloquent. I love romantic walks in the park with the assurance the sidewalk won’t collapse.

My friend was matched with a Methodist and I was matched with a Lutheran and the Confederacy was thrilled at the double-date affair. We went to go see ‘Die Hard’ at Milford Nostalgic Playhouse and everything went smooth until our dates debated who was going to pay for the Junior Mints and it didn’t help that our Methodist friend opined that Martin Luther was the Anti-Christ. But as Yes sang ‘Love Will Find a Way’ and it did here. They compromised with the idea that Martin Luther needed to return to his flock and they would split on the buttered popcorn. A happy ending by Confederacy standards.

With everybody calling themselves a Christian, I think it’s a marvelous concept that there’s an association tailored to fit your needs for Christian fellowship/companionship. I may never get Coach Kaz to share the same shower at the Motel 6, mainly because my girth would block the shower head but until I walk with him in the Elysian Fields and/or have my weight transferred to a fire hydrant stand, it is still wondrous that I have a resource that puts the Christ in Christian. Come see them today and find your own companion in the Garden of Eden.”

Gang, I did not use HAL to boost my ratings. He’s somewhere out in space. Or maybe Gil is using him to play chess. Strategy practice, you know. Not that Gil will get any smarter but we have to fill the panels somehow.

But God bless you, Gang.

At Luke’s office one night, around 11:30

“Luke, what are you doing?”

Silence

“Luke, I believe I’m entitled to an answer.”

Silencio

“Luke, I know I made my share of mistakes. But you’re correct, you are a genius. The referee made a bad call on pass interference. I didn’t mean to line up that cowardly official. If I’d been foresighted to recognize that Coach Thorp would ride him like a Radio Flyer, I would have instigated an emergency surrogate.”

The Sound of Silence

“Pedro, do you have that shotgun?”

“Yes, Dad.”

“Do you enter KAZ from the left hatch door or the right?”

November 23, 2022

A Springsteen Song Parody Here Would Be Too Easy

Filed under: Gil Thorp — teenchy @ 3:01 pm

Let’s start off today’s post by noting that Gocomics is back up and not completely behind a paywall. I apologize for spreading rumors to that effect; dealing in rumors really is not my thing. As was pointed out in Monday’s comments, there are other places online where you can read Gil Thorp for free. Now let’s move on to today’s strip.

The Orville Redenbacheresque teacher who teaches anthropology and displays fine tackling form has a name, and it’s Turturro. Here I thought it was Luke Martinez Sr. who was giving off the Turturro vibes. How and why he came to be the custodian of old Mudlark football game films remains to be determined. Might have something to do with that anthropology, or maybe he’s the only faculty member who still has a VHS player.

No matter, thanks to Turturro Gil’s gonna do his best Warner Wolf impression and go to the videotape. Why? To watch the 1987 loss to Valley Tech. Will this corroborate Luke Sr’s spiel to Marjie for the Star? Will Gil use the tape to draw up his game plan for this year’s Tech game? There’s no way VT would expect Milford to run a decades-old offensive scheme against a modern defense, is there?

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