This Week in Milford

October 28, 2020

Dueling Bad Jokes

Hard to believe there could be a worse team than Milford in the Valley, innit? Yet here we are. Wonder why we never see anyone else in the conference use some archaic formations, defensive schemes or kung fu treachery to make up for their shortcomings against Milford. Most likely because Gil hasn’t updated his playbook for this century and would be equally ready for those plays.

How will this play into our blossoming quarterback controversy? Easily. The Thayer-led Mudlarks will open up a big lead on Central, then Gil will relent and put Rapson in to mop up. Still trying to convince Gil he’s the better talent, Rapp will again defy Gil, call an audible and run a big-yardage play for a score. Gil benches Rapp permanently, Central’s coach accuses Gil of running up the score after the final whistle, and things get ugly.

At least that will offer up more excitement than Friday night at Casa Karenna, where mom and daughter are caught up in a high-stakes game of gin rummy or Uno or something. Probably Uno, since Corina might want to keep mom away from the gin and rum and steer her toward the Yoo-Hoo. Hiyo! (Calling it “a duel of their own” implies that the Milford-Central game is some kind of duel which seems kind of off given Marty’s description of the game turning into a blowout.) Corina cares more about her mom’s mental health than Milford football, which is certainly understandable given this past summer’s backstory. Now if only she could allude to that without being a jerkface to everyone she meets…

October 27, 2020

We’re Running Out Of Ways To Stay Interested.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 9:36 am

The hip bone connected to the

Knee bone

The knee bone connected to the

Neck bone

The neck bone connected to the

Ankle bone

The ankle bone connected to the

Gil bone

I think you’re seeing a pattern here.

And it’s getting down to cases when Corinavirus is practicing digs in her Fruit of the Looms. Remember that commercial when that silky singer with the pop jingle sang “Whose underwear is under there?”, like I’m going to execute an investigative internship to determine whether Gil is wearing Hanes or Boxers once he walks out of the office with Starland Vocal Band doing the music and conforming the lyrics of “Afternoon Delight” to an underwear commercial. If the commercial was centered on Corinavirus at this present moment, we’d have the Mormon Tabernacle Choir crooning about how much of an “Afternoon Delight” it is to spike in your Hanes. Way to take one for the team, Corinavirus. As long as the team gets the “W”, you’ll wear Milford Vending plastic bags, huh?

See? She’s not the attitude people make her out to be.

Continuing the inexplicable, i.e., being more outward in the usage of Charmin (“Wipe, wipe, wipe!!!!!!!!!! Wipe, wipe, wipe!!!!!!!!!! Wipe your boot-ayyyyyy…”) , rather than the euphemistic messages we used to get (“Mr. Whipple, we KNOW what to do with toilet paper besides SQUEEZE it.”)

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“WDIG Fined $25,000 By Milford Censorship Board After Incident Involving One Of Their Ads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Board spokesman: ‘The Committee deemed it inappropriate to showcase Mr. Moon maneuvering certain movements with Scott Towels in WDIG’s men’s room while on public display.”

How about a little Moody Blues, Gang

Some days it’s gonna put us on hold

Some days you wanna shoot it on a pedestal on high

I don’t know if it’s Gil

I don’t know if it’s Kaz

I don’t know if it’s both of them

Not knowing what to do

When they’re running out of ways

To pique the reader’s interest

They’re running out of ways

And this WHOLE DAMN THING started when Rapp and Thayer were vying for the starting QB spot and trash-talking each other along the way. Well, that’s been flushed down the toilet along with the rest of the Charmin roll and now they’re fighting over a girl who shows up to practice in her one-piece bikini and digs at volleyballs and anyone who dares ask her to the prom.

And where’s Mimi? Oh, I forgot, she’s only doing volleyball just because somebody needs to stomach Corinavirus being a royal pain in the ass. She non-coaches better at basketball. Omigod, that reminds me (unfortunately) . Are we going to have tolerate Corinavirus in hoops?????? Is she going to take the baton from Alexa and shove people out of the way just to be more intimidating and aggressive? She’s pretty well shoving people out of the way now. Just ask the Plexi-glass Boys in P3. Corinavirus should have no problem with the Mark Jackson Backdown Rule after giving them beaucoup stiff shoulders.

Still, the question remains. Where is Mimi? Does she do her grocery shopping while Marcia and Jan hold Corinavirus’ hand????? They ought to be paid penalty overtine today. Did she take the kids to Six Flags over Milford?????

On the Six Flags over Milford log flume as it’s going up the incline before it starts its maniacal course around the maze of runways

“Mommy, weren’t you supposed to be at volleyball practice?”

“Uhhhhhhhh, here’s a poncho, you don’t want to get your tub of popcorn wet when we go down the big one.”

Oh, my bad, she’s in a meeting with Dr. Pearl and Andy Rooney. They’re discussing how to engineer Corinavirus getting an English credit and still have Corinavirus take Mimi’s Advance Basketweaving because Andy doesn’t want another Mike Knappe. That’s the most logical explanation at this point.

And maybe we can steer this back to the original QB controversy and leave the meandering to the log flume. Hey, we won’t get splashed.

If ya show up at softball practice in yore underwear cuz ya lost yore pants at the pool tour-na-mint the night before and ya’s wearin’ ones with least amount of brown stains on ’em, ya might be a redneck.

And when it comes to this plot so stale

There’s more twaddle lodged between us than Gil’s play-calling line

I can’t believe it’s Rapp

I can’t believe it’s Will

I can’t believe that both of them

Are clueless just like Gil

And we’re running out of ways

To spark a tinge of interest

We’re running out of ways

Attaway to egg on Ms. Forgot My Volleyball Attire So I Put On The First Item Out Of The Lingerie Drawer, Melanie Safka and Spaghetti O’s Head. As long as we’re going to engage in another diversion after we had our hopes up the week before, i.e., paying the price for some long-yearned-for action marred by Coach Thorp’s never-yearned-for stupidity, we might as well listen to these ladies slowly evolve into Corina’s way of thinking. Try to think of it as a Harlequin Classic in reverse. The Many Loves of Corina During a Volleyball Match. Hey, I didn’t say Corina was going to fall in love; quite the opposite. But just because you stand out on the track doesn’t mean you’re going to stop the Love Train from whistling through. You’d have better luck spiking the volleyball in your Hanes. But shoot, I’d be entertained watching Marcia and Jan contrive all the ways to leave your lover at a slumber party and passing those ideas onto Corinavirus. Okay, the romance novel might not have a happy ending, i.e., the Milford & Oakwood Night Express decimate the slumber party but tragedy has to be a part of any plot, either in a romance novel or right here in Milford.

At the Charmin commercial audition being held at Milford High School Auditorium

Mike Knappe sitting before an interview team

“Do you have any problem with pulling down your pants and exposing your butt to the camera?”


“And applying a few tissues to wipe your butt all the way to your crack?”

“I’ve had plenty of practice after the junk food I’ve ingested. And my potty-training will cover the rest.”

“Great. Be here tomorrow for a second interview at 9:30AM, sharp.”

And, fair enough, “I got a brand new pair of rolling skates, you got some colored Fruit of the Looms for volleyball” and Spaghetti O’s Head are just going to go with the flow and put up any resistance.

No “But they’re both cute. Give them a chance”.

No “But you’ll have a wonderful time at Homecoming Dance”.

No “We bet their moms didn’t plant a bomb in the Dutch oven like your mom did at Milford Diner”.

So let’s egg them on, shall we? Help these ladies help Corina find 50 ways to snub your lover

“If I get a date with you, I get to go with you at Coach Thorp’s End of Season Bar-B-Q. And I get first dibs on thr corn on the cob.”

“If I get a date with you, you have to eat this Graham Cracker Spinach Surprise that The Mayor gave me at the Valley Alternative Honor Roll Banquet.”

“I got cooties.” When you run out of excuses and you need an emergency way out of town.

“You quarterback slightly better than Coach Mimi devises volleyball plays.” This can be directed at Will or Rapp, nothing in the rulebook that says which person the 50 ways are being slung at.

“Your butt is showing.” A bit like the pot calling the kettle black. Therefore, use only if Will or Rapp is pointing a gun.

“Didn’t Andy Rooney kick you out for finding a table knife in The Iliad you were reading?” Throw ’em off with misinformation, that’s the stuff. I might use that in case there’s a dispute on my electric bill.

“You QB better than Gil calls plays”. We’ve already used that one. Don’t beat a dead horse.

Lt. Frank Drebin at The Diner

“So when’s Milford’s next volleyball match?”

“What do I look like, a calendar?”

Slips Maureen a $100 bill

“They’re having a Milford High School Halloween 2020 All-Comers Invitational this Friday. Tilden, Goshen, Valley Tech, New Thayer, and 4 other doormats to fill out the plot until Election Day. Payment to enter must be made by this Thursday. Please send check or money order. No cash.”

Why is Will Thayer dressed like Mr. Bader’s dad? Are we watching Gil Thorp or Truman Capote’s “The Glass House”? The scene would make sense, exchange with the prison guard your day-old pepperoni pizza for some inside info on how to get into Corina’s head. Alan Alda’s character might have stayed alive. Oh, and replace Dr. Pearl with Vic Morrow’s character. The school needs some discipline.

And help me decipher what is the bill of fare today. It appears that Will has a carton of milk and generous portion of Duncan Hines. God, no wonder why Corina is turned off. No girl likes to date a guy with Coconut Cake breath. Use Scope to remove germs and any lingering Upside-Down Cake odors.

Rapp’s palate isn’t much better. No girl likes to be in the backseat with a guy who has a cheeseburger Velcro’d to his wrist. And his cohort across the table is pondering a way to devour his Hillshire Farms slab of bone-in ham in one bite. And to complete this Pantheon of Mysterious Objects potpourri, the artillery shells used at Danang are filled with Coke, water, Kool-Aid, prune juice, Nestle Quik Strawberry, Ensure Reduced Lactaid, and some Mott’s. Can’t forget apple cider.

At tbe Charmin 2-Ply Flower-Printed Bath Tissue shoot

“No, no, no, Dr. Pearl. Don’t wipe your butt and leave the Port-O-Pot until I signal you. The cue is ‘She’s still taking a dump, Mr. Whipple’. The camera inside is on time-release. It won’t steer you wrong. And relax, it won’t show the wart on your left hind end.”

And we complement our menu with some light reading. Nothing could be better than to read about Route 66 in the “S” section of Encyclopedia Britannica and indulging in a Whopper on your carpals. I used to take the whole World Book set to high school Chem when I was shaky on the elements. It was a chore lugging the shopping cart full of encyclopedias up the steps but thank God for Nautilus machines. Learned carbon-14 was an isotope that way.

“And we’ll be back after these messages. I don’t have the volleyball score but assuming Coach Mimi has a flunky with a score book. This Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Honnnnnnneeeeyyyyyyyyyyy, I’m hornyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I’m looking for Mister Goodbarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m look-“

Coach Shaw is in the den, in an ESPN shirt he special-ordered for Christmas and a jock strap he goes hunting in, upside-down against the wall, doing 100 push-ups. “Fortress Around Your Heart” by Sting is floating from the tape player.

“Honey, why are you in a jock strap? I knew I smelled something. I thought my plants were dying and needed water.”





“Oh, hi, DeSEVENar. Can’t talk now. I’m trying to work up my sexual appetite. My wienie oughta be a slab of T-bone by the 77th push-up if I’m readin’ the chart in Milford Iron and Calisthenics Monthly. I’ll have a diving board by the time I stand up.”



“Darling, you look horrible in that jock strap. Even if you get erect, the bungee cord is keeping me from seeing anything. A rebar couldn’t rise up from the pubic hair. I hate to think what your other private parts are trying to accomplish, if they’re not suffocating.”


“Now look what you made me do!!!!!!!!!!!!! I gotta start over. It’s gone back to ‘Semi-Limp’ status. I was at ‘Hard Enough To Write On A Piece Of Paper With A Bic’.”

“Right now, I wouldn’t draw on that piece of paper with a crayon.”

“That’s what YOU think, Mrs. Shaw. I’m going to use these 5-pound weights and do some shoulder presses. 1000 reps and the sex’ll get hotter than a snake’s ass!!!!!!!!”

Coach Shaw changes the tape player





” Hoo boy, that worked up a sweat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“I wonder if it would feel like a snake’s-

“Mrs. Shaw, you know what your problem is????? You think too much!!!!!!!!!! I got this erection problem licked!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m going to do 5,000 side twists and I’ll bet I can have coitus with a hippo in the Nile!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“It’s just that watching a washing machine turn back and forth in a smelly jock strap that attracts the mice in the basement is not my idea of fun.”

“Oh yeah?????? Well, I’ll have you know that I can run in place for 15 minutes and get it up with a grizzly bear. Without her cubs, naturally.”

Coach Shaw changes tape player over to Sting’s “Children’s Crusade”.

“I’ll make you a deal. If I can check your status at 7 minutes and the grizzly bear is satisfied, I won’t make you take these EREC-3500 tablets.”

“She had me where she wanted me. She knew and I knew that all these exercises were wearing me out and not getting me any closer to being a man. I was out of shape to run in place anyway and I took the jock strap to the laundromat. But you can get your own fun and not have to listen to ‘Go you chicken fat, go’. With proven treatments that work, isn’t it time to get your sex life better THAN a hippo? And you don’t have to hang upside-down to swallow a tablet. Come to Milford Men’s Clinic and take charge of your manhood. You and your wife will be glad you did.”

I just hope that Gil doesn’t show up at Milford Lane Midnight Bowling League in his boxers, I don’t care what any of you say.

Can’t believe we’re running out on Gillllll

Can’t believe we’re running out on Gillllllllll…

“I wouldn’t date anybody who accidentally dragged out Dr. Pearl’s dentures when he was kissing her.” Oh, my, we’re cuttin’ deep.

Gil coming out of the locker room

“How was the toilet paper, Gil?”

“Luhm, I’d rather wipe my ass with your mop than that sandpaper you put on the toilet paper roll.”

“Cut. Gil, this is no time for sarcasm. We only have a half hour before the volleyball match. Let’s roll from the beginning.”

A voice barks out

“Charmin Toilet Paper Locker Room Scene, Take 23”


“Andddddddddd, action.”

October 26, 2020

Knees Like Torgo

Filed under: huge earrings, Volleyball — nedryerson @ 5:53 am

It appears as though Terry “You can call me Rapp” Rapson has decided validation from Corina is one of the spoils that the starting QB can expect. Maybe he should have asked Will Thayer how that’s been working out. Corina’s body language, icy stares and skull jewelry, not to mention her snappy comebacks, send a pretty clear message to would be QB suitors. Corina don’t care, so get it through your thick skulls jockos.

What is wrong with these losers? Why is Corina the big prize? Look at these bit players on the volleyball squad. QB attention seems to have major capital in their community. Wise up, Rapp and troll through volleyball practice and one of these girls will probably dry hump you in the Bucket parking lot just for the story!

Let’s talk about Corina’s body in panel 3. Even with the inconsistent approach to drawing in this strip, it’s been established that Corina is “thicc” in that she’s of average build but with Johnny Bench-like proportions in the lower half. I think panel 3 tries to stick with that routine, but something went wrong in the knees. Perhaps Corina should consider wearing the black kneepads favored by her teammates. Those striped numbers are not doing her any favor. Nobody wants a chick with big, meaty knees.

Torgo supposedly has goat legs. What’s Corina’s story?

October 24, 2020

Shush Me on the Bus

While there have been a few comics that have addressed the current global pandemic (including, ironically, that other sports-themed daily Tank McNamara), most have not. To date, the Valley has been virus-free, but looking at today’s strip I’m beginning to think Whigham has been influenced in some way by the pandemic’s impact on sports.

I mean, look at those kids on the Milford activity bus. With so little space between the rows of seats they’ve gotta be cardboard cutouts, don’t they? Their conversation is pretty two-dimensional too. The whole lot of them are adding fuel to the fire of the quarterback controversy that isn’t, except for Danny Bonaduce down in front there who’s slowly realizing that it’s not Shirley Jones behind the wheel. Who drives the Mudlark School Bus, anyway? Gil? Kaz? Cheech? Whichever coach isn’t driving needs to back there and nip this crap in the bud.

October 23, 2020

Keep it down – I couldnt

Filed under: actual action, Gil Thorp — robmize2013 @ 8:45 pm

So the QB battle is on as Thayer cant get it done when it counts- although gee, he did put up 37 points. What happened to that defense? Good ol Air Jimmy, thats what. Hogwash.

Football is a team game, plain and simple. Yards gained by the offense is mostly a product of field position. If your defense hands you the ball 10 yards away from the end zone, instead of 80, you dont look like you move the ball much, but bottom line is scoring and preventing scores, not yards. And many defenses play softer on the other side of the 50, then knuckle down in the red zone, and even more so inside the 10, where bodies get congested and space to throw is limited. There’s a reason why Canadian football is so wide open- the end zones are 25 yards long. Way more space in the red zone. Plus the field is wider and 10 yards longer to boot.

At any rate, Milford had plenty of other chances to win this game besides one overthrow (which may not have mattered; how do they know whether a completion there would lead to the go-ahead TD?) and Gil needs to identify and fix the several problems the team has on both sides of the ball. It appears both signal callers are competent at this point, so defuse any tension between them asap and move on to the next game which likely wont feature an air show like this one.

I’m already betting the team scores Less points next week, but wins. And someone will be bitching about the quarterback again.

October 22, 2020

Looking For Mr. Gilbar.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 10:50 am








Granted, we’ve been getting plenty of action lately but for the wrong reasons. The Thayer-versus-Rapp fued has never really developed and, in fact, the rift between Rapp and Coach Thorp has become more evident, as showcased in P2 by pissy-faced Rapp. But we’ll have more on that later.

And speaking of Pissy-Face-Caulked-On-Her-Physiognomy, what has happened to her? Is she even in the stands? We still haven’t played volleyball but I hear the official explanation is Mimi hasn’t returned The Idiot’s Guide to Volleyball to the library yet. She still has to pass the section on serving. This might take a while.

And this just continues my point. Too many plots are entering this Shakespearean tragedy and not enough justice is done to any one of them. And Thorpiverse is trying to put a fig leaf over Bubba’s crack when he’s bending over in the hood to replace your carborateur by throwing at us some football action. Yeah, I’m glad you got my car up and running but damn, Thorpiverse, pull up your pants. Did you ever see a fig leaf try to cover The Grand Canyon?

And all this random football activity with plots still in bloom reminds me of one of my favorite movies, “Looking for Mr. Goodbar”, a film based on a true story by Judith Rossner’s novel of the same name. Diane Keaton gives a powerful performance playing Roseann Quinn, a woman trying to shed her strict Catholic upbringing by hitting the night life. Many times she stabs in the dark while looking for adventure and sometimes hits paydirt and sometimes hits just plain dirt. Gee, she and Thorpiverse have a lot and common. The genesis of a spicy relationship. When you forget about the scoreboard and keep plowing away, good things happen. Maybe Corinavirus will surface again and Roseann can be her coach, assisting Mimi, who’s been stabbing in the dark going over the volleyball rules. Talk about adventure.

These stores with a rural flavor to them (Tractor Supply Company, Rural King) are wonderful but if you can find any use for a hay baler when it’s not stored in your garage, well and good. Otherwise

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Ordered Through A Writ By Milford Superior Court To Remove Hay Baler From His Parking Space At Milford Condo Luxury Suites!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I needed it to collect all the hay to store in my closet so I could make breakfast all winter. Quaker Oats was getting to be way too expensive.”

You take your left cleat in

You take your left cleat out

You take your left cleat in

And you shake it all about

You run the pass reception

Like you would an end-around

That’s what it’s all about

Or maybe that’s the other way around. But either way is just driving home my point that if that truly is Will Thayer WHAT IS THE POINT OF DANCING LIKE YOUR TRYING TO KEEP YOUR FEET INBOUNDS AS IF YOU JUST CAUGHT A PASS WHEN YOU’VE BEEN RUNNING WITH THE DAMN FOOTBALL IN THE FIRST PLACE???????

Did he throw a pass to HIMSELF? Hard for me to imagine his getting flagged for intentional grounding. I realize you have to get out of bounds to kill the clock. But I fail to see the logic in dancing Disco Inferno on your way to the out-of-play area. Racing your ass off to avoid getting blindsided by Lerch is all that’s really necessary. Texas 2-Step dancing without your partner is so last year. And I can only ponder the possibilty of running a reverse with this one-man band.

Then there’s the field. Damn, doesn’t it look a lot like Milford’s? Madison must have bought the same Saran Wrap to engulf their chain-link fences. And used the same cow manure to fertilize the turf. Some farmer is livin’ large off of selling buffalo chips to Valley Conference teams with a hefty lawn maintenance budget. Don’t EVEN talk about the track. If Madison used the same limestone that built the Empire State Building and allowed our heroes in “Breaking Away” to lounge on (Empire State Building WAS constructed from that limestone, Bedford Quarries, south-central Indiana) to build their own running track, I’m jumping in the quarry pool.

Gil at Roseann’s apartment at Milford Active Lifestyles Superior Suites in his pre-Mimi days

WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Gil, I love how you get sexually excited but you’ve already done 1000 knuckle push-ups. Doing jumping jacks with leg weights on in your jock strap is unnecessary. I get the point.”

I said I’d talk about Pissy Crap Rapp and I meant it.

And it appears he has a lot on his plate. He has gone from leading calisthenics to doing calisthenics for throwing Flutie bombs to getting Flutie-bombed from Pissy Corona Crap to watching his arch-rival Flutie-bomb to a Madison defensive back to maybe just PLAIN BOMBING, literal and otherwise. You don’t have to throw it to bomb, Thorpiverse.

And all righty then, it is hard for me to conceive that by now there is somebody out there who is not aware that Terry Rapson goes by “Rapp”. Do you really think we’re going to get sidetracked if Coach Thorp says

“Bozo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get in there for Thayer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Let me go about this another way

“Ladies and gentleman, your attention please!!!!!!! Now entering the game for Will ‘Titmouse’ Thayer is #13, Terry ‘Gotta Take a Crap at Halftime’ Rapson!!!!!!!”

And we can always explore the Marty Moon angle

“And Coach Gil ‘Couldn’t Coach the Marines in Intramural Badminton When He Was in the Service’ Thorp brings in Terry ‘I Obviously Understand the Playbook Better Than ‘Pathetic Badminton Coach” Rapson for a chance to get the go-ahead TD. I’m holding my breath…”

Gil, having overslept after a sensual night of some Boogie Fever with Roseann Quinn at Milford Disco Dive, shows up 2 hours late for practice

“Gee, I’m sorry, team, Mimi had to get treated at the Milford Minor Emergency Clinic for syphilis and then I had to take Keri to her Milford Gamblers Anonymous meeting and I had to talk Dr. Pearl down from the ledge.”


“Did Dr. Pearl forget to take her anti-depressants again?”

I can say without fear of contradiction that Terry “I Stand A Better Chance Of Getting a Bucket Date with Hadley Venom than Coronavirus” Rapson must have been reading Bill Haley’s biography. It’s about the only thing perhaps keeping him from losing his sanity. I just pray for his friend, Moose Mason, not to attempt to style his hair in like manner when visiting his barber.

And if Bill Haley were told he could only perform Slim Whitman standards when he and his Comets hit the stage at Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club, I’d be put out too. No chance for the Miracle at the Madison or performing “Rock Around The Clock”. Yeah, “Red River Valley” by his Comets will really promote erotica to the patrons in the front row. I can just see Gil or Kaz doing push-ups in their jock straps at the Club over “My Darling Clementine”.

If ya got a date with Roseann Quinn and pro-ceeded ta teach her the finer points of shootin’ pool and how ta douse yore Camels in yore cup a Jack at Bubba’s Family Bar, ya might be a redneck.

How many times is Tom “Betcha Can’t Eat Just One” Muench going to be involved in the outcome of a plot? He was Mike Knappe’s chaffeur before Knappe had to go to reform school, he was on the starting five with Chris Schuring when Teddy Demarco tried to frame Schuring with faux-SAT paraphenalia and who ELSE is going to be involved in the leaving-us-hanging-until-tomorrow scenario? Thurston Howell? And which one because I think he was Thurston Howell III or IV, can’t remember which.

And it must be convenient, Thorpiverse. When Father Bader finally has to go to the chair because he was suspected of shooting Coach Shaw, there’ll Muench will be in his priestly garb to read the last rites. When Demarco got suspended, I bet Muench was at Demarco’s house to keep him occupied with Sorry! These all-purpose characters must be nice, Thorpiverse. Saves the trip to a haphazard phone booth and skimming through the ragged phone book for more names, I’m sure.



“Maureen, can you turn that down? BTW, is the Turnip Salad Plate Special still a go?”

“And Thayer throws it incomplete and it’s 4th-and-2 and Gil has a decision to make. Do you put in Rapp and go for the jackpot or do you take the wimp clause and have Thayer do a quarterback sneak for those two cheap yards? Gil burns a time out to talk it over. We’ll go to a commercial break with the score with a minute to go in the game, Madison, 42, Milford, 37. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Boy, Milford is growing every day. I remember when it was just a one-horse town. Now the Milford City Council increased the budget for two horses, including another shovel to pick up the droppings. And when Milford Agricultural and Farm Supply set up shop as one of the anchor stores at Milford Mall, the City Council was debating whether to throw in another shovel.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse. The Warehouse wanted to extend the right hand of Christian fellowship and pass the bargains on to you, the apple in the eyes of The Good Life. And we promise there are no bad Winesaps in this punch.

Like how about buying a 30-Pack of Busch Light in the 12 ounce cans at a price that would make my grandmother blush and receiving a free bag of Country Lane Piglet & Hog Whole Herd Pellets to boot. Now understand, Mimi and I have yet to raise hogs on the verandah but, hey, different strokes for different folks. As long as you can get it approved by the Milford Zoning Board, you can make your backyard a haven for hogs. It can happen.

Now many of you raise cattle and horses when you’re not taking your kids to soccer practice and drink a Bud too, hopefully when you’re not taking the dogies to market or on the Chisholm Trail. That’s why The Warehouse will offer to spot you a Country Tuff Woven Wire Field Fence and Country Lane 12% Sweet High Grain All Stock Horse Feed for every bottle of Jack Daniels Dry 750 ml that you purchase. Goodness gracious, receiving fair price at the stockyards, your horses not neighing because the dog food bowl has plenty of Ken-L Ration, and a shot of Jack without the chaser, that horseshoe is a dead ringer every time. My horse is better than your horse indeed.

Then there’s some of you at Milford Senior Assisted Living Center who like to stock up on firewood in the winter especially when the maintenance man is paid minimum wage and couldn’t fix the furnace any more than he can pour Liquid Plumber down your toilet. And never let it be said that The Warehouse lets elderly ladies get run over by semi’s in the crosswalk. That’s why The Warehouse will work with Milford Agricultural and Farm Supply to finance the Country Tuff 35 Ton Log Splitter for every purchase of Michelob Ultra 24-Pack in the 12 Ounce cans. Boy o boy, I know if I were 85 years old, I’d want something to drag out in the woods behind the Assisted Living property to get my warmth for Winter. And I just have to buy a case of booze for the price of lunch at Milford Foundry? I’ll be sawing some logs so I can saw some logs in bed. And it comes with a hitch so your 80-something spinal cord won’t snap in two. Old age never tasted better.

And there’s more where that came from. As if feeding your collie and your goldfish and your polled herefords Country Lane 20% All Natural Range Cubes was any secret The Warehouse had to hide behind the Lay’s Potato Chips Sour Cream stand. Come in and welcome our new neighbor and tell ’em Milford Agricultural and Farm Supply and Coach Thorp both sent ya.”

No, Gang, Rapp is not sporting the Don Ho look. Besides, I’ve never known Mr. Ho to get pissy-faced. That’s a fact.

God bless you, Gang. You mean the world to me.




“Gil, come to bed.”

At the Milford Nudist Colony Auditorium Talent Show rehearsal



“Mommy, I didn’t know Daddy drank and smoked a lot.”

“Ummmmm, well, look, there’s Hank Jr. talking with Mr. Dr. Pearl. Get both their autographs.”

October 21, 2020

How Is the Milford Offense Like a Diesel Engine?

Neither of them have spark plugs!

This Milford-Madison game reminds me in a way of this past Saturday night’s supposed college football game of the year of the week. The team with a ground-and-pound offense takes an early lead then falls behind, its defense unable to slow down its opponent’s big-play offense. Tasked with orchestrating a rally, the game manager QB commits errors, throwing picks and getting his passes stuffed back in his face at the line of scrimmage. Despite all this, the coach sticks with his game manager, keeping the QB with more raw talent and game-breaking potential on the bench. Run the color version of today’s strip and the Mudlarks even start to look the part. Forgive me if I start referring to Will Thayer as “The Mailman.”

News flash: amateur football has turned into a track meet and defense no longer wins championships. Does Gil stick to his principles and watch his team slip down the standings in the Valley? Or does he decide he has doled out enough punishment and go with the guy that can make things happen? Pity that Gil dismisses everything Marty says out of hand; even a stopped clock sitting in his parents’ basement is right twice a day.

October 20, 2020

I’d Use A Sponge Too If This Were Stalling.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:10 pm

What in the name of Nerfhoops does the Madison player have in his possession? And don’t tell me that’s a football. You couldn’t throw a spiral with that worthless piece of rubber. And if Doug Flutie threw The Miracle, we assume we have the catch in mind. Safe to say Mr. Flutie didn’t throw a soft cushion to lead him to glory. Put it back on the divan when the game’s over, Hero.

And this is how this whole damn game is going. Of course, we’re getting dragged away with another diversion, like Alex Sanborn is going to promote Air Alex to Air Maureen over a plate of London broil and stewed tomatoes after the game. Then he’s going to get Corina’s unlisted number and try to get a date when the other dudes couldn’t even get their development of character going, even though their BEING characters ought to be development enough. He’ll hit paydirt, they hit it off, Madison runs away with the Valley, Corina transfers to Madison after sizing up Madison Inner City Mall, flips off Rapp and Thayer, Rapp joins the French Foreign Legion, Thayer becomes one of Gil’s now-you-see-him-now-you-don’t assistants and rooms in with Coach Shaw to get plenty of practice on playing rover until Shaw can get his own place and VOILA basketball is here. And Corina comes back to Milford after Air Alex rapes Air Corina. Gotta tie up the loose ends.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Parks & Recreation To Increase Budget To Purchase Quality Footballs For Milford Adult Flag Football League.”

sub headline

“O.J.: ‘Glad somebody did something. Did you ever try to catch a Swiffer mop head on a chair pattern?”

Really, I’ll give you my next week’s paycheck if you can prove that what the Madison player is celebrating with is a football they use at regulation NFL games. Right now, it is hard for me to fathom the Madison dude doing The Ickey Shuffle in the end zone with a Brillo pad. And if he can spike the same, I’ll double on the paycheck offer. Remember the Fun Bunch? They didn’t high-five each other in a circle after scoring with the same thing you scrub your bathtub with later on in the week. Is the Madison dude going to use that with Scrubbing Bubbles to clean his mom’s kitchen sink after she dumped the burnt lasagna down the drain? Time will tell.

Then there’s the trees. Evidently Westview Scapegoats moved their venue smack dab in the middle of a tree nursery. I understand Funky Winkerbean’s old haunts had to relocate after Eminent Domain forced the relocation to make room for a nuclear power plant. Should be in its proper element observing Air Alex throw the winning sponge.

And the bit of arbor-ness to the left is either the rest of Siberia on full display in the Northern Constellation or a pine tree that’s bent a little out of whack. Sometimes, too many kids sit on the branches at pep rallies.

Or perhaps there’s a wildlife area nearby breeding 50-foot white rhinos. It can happen.

Lieutenant Frank Drebin at Milford Diner

“Can you tell me Corina’s phone number? I’d like to ask her a few questions.”

“You dirty old man!!!!!!!! I wouldn’t give you her shoe size!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Slips Maureen a $100

“Her number is 204-574-3869. She’s free this Friday if you want to take her to Milford Drive-In for the Star Wars Marathon.”

Milford punts it away to the opposition. Like that’s a radical concept. Thorpiverse has been punting away storylines the last few weeks. Tell us something new. I’d hate to see the huddle

“Let’s go back to Corina. We’re losing our audience without her pissy-face condition all over the comic strip.”

“No way. The volleyball game is after the Homecoming Dance. It’s her time to shine.”

“Let’s at least have Thayer make another move on her and she plunges a Ho Ho in his Nutrament at the cafeteria. Cries in his soda. That’ll get us to the weekend.”

“I will if you can keep Rapp out if my face. Take him out of the play. He not only couldn’t make a move on Little Orphan Annie, he’s in dire need of Certs.”

“Said and done.”

“All righty. On two. Ready? BREAK!!!!!!!!”

If ya gotta use a sponge ta clean yore tires on yore 4-wheel drive cuz some scum stole all yore greasy rags, ya might be a redneck.

And with all the characters, literal and figurative, going in and out more than Tinker the Bellows Mender and Nick the Bottom Weaver, the one factor I HOPE stays the same is the punter. No punting the Nerfootball into Corina’s nacho dip in the stands, she goes on another rampage threatening to dump the whole tray of Doritos in his helmet and he ends outmaneuvering Rapp and Thayer to get a date with her to the prom. No punting so that the rubber ovaloid lands on Gil’s head and breaks Gil’s head set and Gil makes the punter run 1000 laps around Gil’s sun deck. No kicking the winning field goal (assume for argument’s sake the kicker and punter are the same) only to find out after the game he has to go to Valley Modified because Dr. Pearl found a kicking tee in his locker. I’ll be sure to use that the next time I want to rob the Milford 7-11.

The punter is kicking Gil’s life away and that’s all she wrote. We’ll never see him again. I can dream, can’t I?

Ooooooooookkkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back to try to keep this runaway train from running into the Milford & Oakwood Express. Take ‘er away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Corinavirus would step in the middle of the game and __________________________.”

And it looks like Jonathan Swift has been added to Gil’s Classics Illustrated as one of the giants has stepped in front of a Lilliputian and very possibly put the game away.

Oh wait, Rapp will confer with the Lilliputian tight wnd and over Gil’s instructions to use good sportsmanship and take a knee because Madison deserved to win anyway, Rapp will throw the Flubberball over all the giants on Madison’s team (no wonder why they call it Air Madison) where the same Lilliputian will use a pea shooter to deflate the ball and catch it in the end zone and do the Sack Dance. Okay, that was Mark Gastineau on defense but everything’s out of sync around here anyway. Corina’s mom’s absence is the headliner on that concept if you want further proof. And I’ve never seen a Lilliputian celebrate in the end zone. Let me have my moment.

“And Will Thayer is picked off and that might be all she wrote. Coach Thorp has called time out to try to stop the inevitable but it appears academic here. We’ll be back in a moment for the final minutes as Madison leads Milford, 42-37. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Honnnneeeyyyyyyyyyy, I’m horrrrrnnnnnnyyyyyyyyy, it’s time to come out of the spare bedroom and come to bedddddyyyyy-byyyyyyeeeeeeee.”

” I can’t, Dear. I am putting up Coach John Doe until he can find an apartment here in Milford. Right now, I’m reading him a bedtime story.”

“You’re reading a grown man a bedtime story?”

“Okay, he’s a little wet behind the ears. But he’s our defensive coordinator and I want to keep him happy. Now, John, do you want me to read ‘Goldilocks and the 3 Bears’ again? Or how about Rumpelstiltzken? You can use that story when you’re teaching your defensive schemes.”

“Darling, I think he can manage by himself. And I’ll cook him some Eggo Waffles in the morning. But now you need to come wid yur widdle girlie-girlie for some fun and games.”

“I still have to put some more ice in his Lipton. He doesn’t know that the fridge is in the closet and I have to hold his hand tonight.”

“There’s another hand you need to be holding so that I can hold something else.”

“Ain’t no way you’re going to have any of these Krispy Kremes!!!!!!!! They’re a Welcome Wagon for his arrival. Now shut up, I’m going to sing him to sleep










Sleeping like a top. You want me to sing YOU to sleep, Mrs. Shaw?”

“Only after we get it on, because there’d be two things you’re limp at.”

“She had me there. I had to ‘fess up that Hank Williams Junior could do better, at singing anyway. And with proven treatment programs that work, isn’t it time you got your butt down to Milford Men’s Clinic and sang with a song in your heart and a rock in your denims? Thought so. Come on down to the Clinic and get hard as Hank. Your wife will feel the difference.”

Gang, which one of you keeps inserting Lerch in the game? We need him guarding the Addams’ residence.

God bless you, Gang.


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