This Week in Milford

August 17, 2017

Muff Big or Go Home

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There’s been a lot of turmoil along Tobacco Road this past week, pretty much none of it good. You’d think the syndicate color monkeys would’ve had the decency not to add to it yesterday by rendering True’s Wake t-shirt in UNC colors.

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That said, I can appreciate Eight Elbows’ efforts to bring this wacky subplot to an end by having Milford’s Goldenest Child dash Jaquan’s far-fetched hopes to make the switch from pro basketball to pro football at age 30. I don’t even mind Trey’s little spaz dance there at the end.  However, I have no clue why Gil brought Mimi out to watch this spectacle, unless watching all those hot sweaty mens would put her in the mood for more than just sipping cocktails back at Casa Thorp.

August 16, 2017

Beer Then Liquor

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Milford Idiots, Pissy faced True — timbuys @ 8:33 am

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P1: Trey and Jaquan will have never been sicker…  Ease up on those lemonades, gents!

P2: [Insert Gil is shitfaced joke here]

P3: I sure hope Heather and Papa Burns aren’t just standing there with the Secret while Trey runs down dad’s practice QB’ing abilities…

Bonus points:

Actually, a seat in that very nicely rendered Adirondack chair on a pretty sweet deck and a tall glass of Everclear on the rocks with a slice of lemon would be pretty nice right now.

The Chief is on a roll today. Nice job on that Wake Forest logo!

August 15, 2017

When Your Own Characters Are Calling Out The Plot…

Filed under: ?, exposition comics, Milford Idiots, What the hell is going on here? — timbuys @ 8:22 am

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Perhaps it is time to concede that you have lost the thread.

P1: Lest we forget, this brainfart of Jaquan’s just occurred to him the other day or perhaps just earlier in the day.

Also, all hail Trey’s Spatulork resplendent in its oblong glory.

P2: About time someone started talking some sense around here…

P3: That didn’t last long…

August 14, 2017

Radical Grilling

Filed under: google nonsense, Pantheon of Mysterious Objects — nedryerson @ 6:03 am

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Oh boy! So now Jaquan and Trey are hanging out in the backyard grilling and enjoying a brew? I think these two are just looking to settle down together in Milford. C’mon guys, it’s 2017! You don’t need to construct an elaborate personal trainer/injury rehabbing NBA player scenario as cover. Milford may be a tank town, but it is a diverse and accepting environment for all.

Now, let’s talk about that giant chunk of steak and the grilling implement Trey is using to flip it over. How is he lifting the meat with that thing? It looks like a metal spatula that is just jammed into the meat. Does that instrument have sharpened tines on the end? Perhaps it’s a barbeque spatulork*?

Also, it looks like Jaquan is now interested in trying to break into PRO FOOTBALL. This notion was inspired by how well he caught footballs from Art Burns while working out with Heather Burns and The Secret Pelwecki. Also, Heather’s inspirational ad hoc coaching of 7-on-7 summer league football played a role.

*I thought I invented the notion of the spatulork as I was writing this post. Given the propensity for my mind to wander while creating posts for this blog, I felt compelled to google spatulork to see if the concept was already in existence. Not only is the spatulork a preexisting thing, it was also the subject of a short film. I stopped short of embedding the clip. It’s not that great. Heck, the spatulork is merely a McGuffin in the narrative. (If you make it to the end of the video, you can watch Spatulork II. I couldn’t stick with it. I was emotionally drained from watching the first one.)

August 12, 2017

Killin’, Wishin’, Hopin’

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I’m not gonna engage in mental gymnastics today beyond guessing what Jaquan has backward is that he wishes Heather (or Trey, or Pelwecki, or someone) would tell him they wished he coached basketball.

There’s been too much suspension of disbelief required to hang with this summer plot. An NBA star rehabs an injury under the supervision of one of his old high school opponents, in a gym he converted from his parents’ old house?  That old opponent is now some kind of master trainer with more than one client? The ex-soccer player, ex-undersized tight end is now a coaching genius? The greasy-haired big lunk lineman is suddenly gonna turn into a skilled ball carrier/receiver? The greasy-haired big lunk lineman’s regular-season coaches are gonna note this and give him touches (but not like the touches the coaching genius has been giving him)? Stop this crazy train, I wanna get off.

What I do find remotely plausible is that Jaquan wants to coach. We’ve heard nothing about his NBA career post-draft. Even after donning a hoodie in the middle of summer, he’s drawn only the attention of the cook at Janet’s Diner (via the waitress who looks like Claude Akins). Maybe he’s not the superstar we’ve been led to believe and has just been eking out a living on a string of 10-day contracts between stints in the D-League. Maybe he’s seen enough of how Gil skates by in Milford to want a taste of that life. Maybe I’ve run out of theories and just wish Herk the Mauler would show up again.

metapost: Even as I try to get back into the habit of posting the B&W version of the strip, it’s been pointed out to me that the color version contains a fairly egregious error.

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Musical inspiration for the post title:

August 11, 2017

And I’m gonna beat Heather like a drum

Filed under: football — robmize2013 @ 6:20 pm

Man, the arrogance – first Heather  applauds Kevin for beating a ‘veteran’ DB – who is probably in his first summer camp anyway and who isnt even shaving every day. Real veterans are pros who’ve been toiling in NFL camps for years. Big freakin deal.

Then she has the nerve to pat him on the rump – so hard it registers on the strip as a white flash – has she really earned the right to do that yet? And where’s her whistle? Methinks Kevo is wondering how hard this gig is if a teenage girl is coaching him, rather then a grizzled old man with a pot belly. Girls like her are strictly trainers or equipment managers.

Finally our dynamic duo is back observing the whole thing and even Case has had enough of Miss Army Sergeant and he’s not even practicing! But if he got his wish, who knows what regimen she’d be prescribing for him. ” OK, lets do 50 laps around the court, and for every missed free throw after practice, you shoot 20 more.”

Good thing this summer plot cant last too long, because we have found yet another insufferable character to latch onto until the bonfire.

August 10, 2017

Just Who Is Heather Helping?

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Here’s an example of why I don’t like the color version of the strip. For comparison:

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There’s no universe – not even in Eugene, Oregon – where all the components of a football helmet are monochromatic.  But I nitpick.

The bigger question is the one I alluded to in the post title. Who is Heather really helping here? Who else is coaching Milford’s 7-on-7 team? Sure as hell ain’t Gil or Kaz, and there’s no sign of Tim and Jay Forbes. The only thing she appears to have learned about coaching is how to be pushy, to the point that one of her seven resorts to the tired classic Milfordian catchphrase “Ease up.”

It doesn’t look like pet project Pelwecki has benefited from all of her coaching, either. After last week he must think you need to be at least 6’8″ to catch a pass.  All I can imagine is that everybody involved with Milford football is looking forward to her shipping off to Iowa or wherever.

August 9, 2017

Too Hot For A Hoodie

Filed under: big arms, Boredom in Milford, football — timbuys @ 9:09 am

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So, fresh off a plate of burgers and fries, Trey and Jaquan manage to squeeze in a few leg presses before calling it a day and joining the thronging crowds and intense media coverage that attends summer 7-on-7 football in the upper Midwest. Even better is the notion that they took a road trip to do this. I’m sure that time sitting in the car after a (hard?) workout is just the thing to help rehab that knee.

Finally, what’s up with Weibe here? Dude is going through all of the trouble of summer practices, you wouldn’t think hustle would be an issue. Not only that, but talking back to (coach?) Heather should earn him a benching if not removal from the team.

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