This Week in Milford

February 24, 2018

Goin’ to the Rack With Controlled Assertiveness. Now That’s Milford Basketball.

Filed under: actual action, basketball, huge earrings, Mimi Thorp, shadow figures — tdrewhardin @ 4:20 am

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ATTAWAY TO BACK YOUR OPPONENT DOWN, THEN HELP HER TO HER FEET AFTER YOU’VE KNOCKED HER INTO THE MATS ON THE WALL!!!!!!! AND THAT WAS THE CHRISTIAN THING TO DO TO HAND HER BACK HER MOUTH GUARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Mimi, as billytheskink has insinuated, comes out of retirement to return the Mudlarks to the Glory Days!!! We can only hope that the Lady Mudlarks will build on this victory and personally bettin’ they can when Paloma is not engineering Sit-Down-Protest-of-the-Week. And, baby baby, I like her moves to the bucket. She’s got some Cheryl Miller in her. Never mind that a couple of Goshenites appear to have left their seeing-eye dogs in the locker room but we gotta start somewhere. So one Goshenite is completely out of position because her defensive stance is 180 degrees (give or take a few degrees) away from the person she was intending to guard (Paloma, for those of you keeping score). That’s Goshen’s problem. Since when do we educate our opponent on the proper technique especially if we’re just reading the strip and enjoy, along with our fellow Milfordites, the Christians getting fed to the lions, not to mention getting dunked on? Berrill, for eons, promoted Bacchanalian feasts of opponents being fodder for the bloodthirsty Mudlarks. Besides, Paloma got game.

Gee, if we can only stash this 2-out-of-3 basketball concept in a bottle and save it for later when Marty Moon gets nasty as I promise you he will because a few naive teenagers didn’t understand not to wake up a dormant snake. Don’t let him slither out of his snake hole at WDIG studios. And with Mr. Anonymous Calculus Dude who Moonlights as an Ad Salesman for the Station aiding and abetting in the crime, this could get ugly. You know it’s a bad omen when the Anonymous People are seen more than once.

“Hey, Marty, you forgot to flush the toilet again.”

“Sorry, Anonymous Calculus Dude. Hey, since you’re still in the strip, can I count on you for some mudslinging when I broadcast the Milford Girls Basketball game with New Thayer this Friday?”

“Sure. My wedding with Mrs. Anonymous Calculus Dudette is this Sunday and the rehearsal is on Saturday and I haven’t been written out of the script yet, so Fridays are free.”

“Super!!!!!!!! Here’s that ‘2000 More Insults’ I ordered from the Milford Book-of-the-Month Club. Pore it over and I want at least a hefty Manila folder of material a half hour before the tip.”

“Will do. BTW, I bought some Lysol and placed it on the commode lid.”

Well, anyway, we got a fist bump from Mimi. Maybe that’ll slow The Snake to a crawl. Fist bumps have a way of turning the tide in Thorpiverse. And the plot might get interesting. Wouldn’t that be something.

If ya buy a jalopy straight outta the Estado de Chihuahua and ya fix it up with dual exhausts, fix all the points and plugs, stick a 409 in it, purchase some expensive mags, instead of plain ol’ Bridgestones, with money you don’t have, then, as a coup-de-grace, proudly display yore Confederate flag decal on the front bumper at the Milford Car Show, ya might be a redneck.

If ya use the same tractor to haul illegals under the tarp of a trailer across the border as the one competin’ in the Milford Major-Modified Tractor Pull later that night, ya might be a redneck.

Today’s Black History Month entry is a long personal favorite of mine, Roberta Flack. She is the first, and still the only, solo artist to win Grammy Record of the Year 2 years in a row, “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” and “Killing Me Softly With His Song”. She has 3 #1 hits, the 2 just mentioned plus “Feel Like Makin’ Love”. She has gone on to do several collaborations with Donny Hathaway including “Where is the Love”. Robert Christgau, a well-respected critic, was not terribly kind in his remarks on her, basically saying she was essentially a Light Favorites fixture. I vehemently disagree as I have found her music to exhibit the complexity, depth, and soul needed to create beautiful music and still have a listening audience. Even those not a fan of her music will admit she has a shrewd ear for melody that keeps us coming back for more. Please spread the word about a very beautiful lady and another one VERY dear to my heart.

Gang, I’m bumping your fist because you’re the tops. Let’s see if we can get the Milford contingent to focus on BASKETBALL for once.

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February 23, 2018

Paloma Padilla Speaks for All of Us…

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… or, at least, for all of us who routinely call out the misogyny and Bechdel Test fails that are part and parcel of the Thorpiverse. Paloma’s teammates even recognize Milford’s a man’s man’s man’s world and are resigned to their fate, including the blonde with the soulless ey- AAAAAAH! MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP

I don’t expect Paloma to throw an elbow at Marty – we need Kenzie Hanley back to brk his jaw – but her little “hmmm” holds the promise of bigger things. I’m thinking maybe she pulls some strings to get Lady Mudlarks hoops livestreamed in Spanish and English on WHCC-TV and WHCC Deportes.

Once I saw today’s strip in B&W I knew I had to run with the color version to see whether Paloma would be wearing the Puerto Rican flag and not the Cuban one. Score one for the color monkeys! Now if only they’d resist the urge to color Milford’s white uniforms red.

metapost: I think my post title yesterday may have gone over a few heads. It was a play on the phrase tener cojones. Lo siento.

February 22, 2018

That Marty, Tener Tostones!

Filed under: Gil Thorp, hideous scar faces, Marty Moon, Milford Idiots — teenchy @ 7:34 am

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New Old Cartoon Villain Marty is not only culturally insensitive, he’s petty. He does realize he owes his entire reason for being in Milford to teenagers, doesn’t he?

I’m hoping against hope that this story ends with Marty homeless and eating out of the dumpster behind That New Mexican Restaurant. I’d be good with him reduced to waiting tables at That New Mexican Restaurant™ and getting a beatdown from the kitchen staff once they realize who he is.  I’m afraid even that would be asking too much. No, this crap will go on for a few more weeks until alpha male Gil delivers a pithy two-panel sermon to beta male Marty and Marty, in turn, delivers an on-air apology to the Padilla kids. No jobs lost, no lessons learned, no consequences for anyone involved – and no Reuben Award for Rubin.

February 21, 2018

Metapost: Just A Reminder

Filed under: metapost, Our National Disgrace — timbuys @ 4:36 pm

Not that I have had any issues with anything written here, rather I just want us to bear in mind that this is an ongoing situation with tragedy unfolding daily.

Welp, back to posting about what’s going on in Gil Thorp‘s world, ’cause well… You don’t want to do it, right?

So, Did Marty Roll His Double RR’s?

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Panel One: That elbow from Oakwood #5 coulda just as easily been called the other way.

Panel Two: Marty is a real jerk.

Panel Three: I mean, seriously, just a true jerk.

Minus points: Nice mug, Karina. Did you buy it online using your |||| brand laptop?

February 20, 2018

She’s So Hiigghhhhh, High Above Me, She’s So Lovely, She’s So…

Filed under: basketball, Coach Kaz — tdrewhardin @ 4:47 am

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CRRRRRRRRRAAAAAASSSSSSSHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

“The Dove hit the ground again. We’ll have to do another take, Gary.”

“Daggone it!!!!!!!!! Can anybody around here make wings that’ll actualy fly??? Go see if she’s OK.”

“Oh, we got plenty of padding. The Mudlark wrestling team is at a tournament in West Falls this weekend so we’re using all their mats. She should be fine.”

Well, ya gotta have Plan B. What if Uncle Gary WON the standoff with Rick’s dad??? Naturally, in the Thorpiverse, the script calls for Snidely Whiplash to hit the road, Jack, after Sniddles has dragged everybody through the mud, including the readers, for God-only-knows-how-many endless, pointless months. And the script proved correct. BUT, in coaching sports, I learned to expect the unexpected. I had the reserve script ready.

Wow, gang, you know the doggie doo is hitting the fan when our leading characters for this plot metamorphose into silhouettes. Sure-fire indicator the plot is thickening. Fireside chats are usually drawn out, pimples and all. Hitchcock Theater couldn’t mastermind this any better. I don’t think ANYBODY is really fixated on Mr. T and his teammates headin’ to the jump circle for the opening tip though I will never understand why objects further away from the matter on the present table are clearly drawn out but the price you pay if you want the Nielsen Ratings to remain strong which, I reckon, is how Hitchcock went from a draftsman at Milford High to hosting his own show. Horatio Alger couldn’t rise to the top any better. Anyway, let’s peep in on the conversation

“…like Cleopatra, Mimi Thorp, or Aphrodite/ do do, DO, DO…”

Oops, I got MTV by mistake. Let’s try this again

“Hey, Mr. T got a haircut!!!!! I like it!!!”

“Yeah, he says the Mohawk was getting in his face. Got tired of brushing it away and hair getting tangled up in his earrings.”

“And he can find his way to the jump circle!!!!!! Well, anyway, you tell that no-good slime of a broadcaster, ol’ DIGGY-poo, that you got your pride, Federico.”

“Fine. Now if you don’t mind, Coach Kaz is throwing down his Le Tigre jacket. I think I better strap on my Game Face.”

“Hey, did they move the basketball goal again?”

“Yeah, there was a water leak by the 3-point line and the Milford Sewer Department had to rope off the area. Paloma, PUH-LEASE, it’s showtime.”

P3 courtside perspective was undoubtedly the inspiration for “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”(basketball goal practically straight down the hallway?). Unless the Milford bench is situated at the half court line. Checking into the game oughta be fun. Heck, you’re already on the court. Why bother with the scorekeeping official. Still, you got your choice here, gang, although I’ll gladly accept write-in votes.

“She bitches endlessly/She cussed and railed at me

Unfurled my masculinity

I hope that I can check in and tune her out when I’m on the court

She can get on your nerves and annoy you like a 3-day wart, a wart, A WART

cuz SHE’S SO HIGGGHHHHH, HIGH ABOVE ME, SHE’S SO LOVELY, SHE’S SO…”

If yore name has a Spanish flavor to it and consequently, while being listed on the roster, takes up 1/3 of the program with all the “del’s” and “de la’s” but the play-by-play announcer still just calls ya “Bubba” when calling the game, ya might be a redneck.

“…like Cleopatra, Krusty’s niece, or Aphrodite/do do DO DO…”

Heard on the radio while driving on the Milford Turnpike

“And that ends the 3rd quarter as Milford has put on an 8-2 run, courtesy of a couple of Bubba Padilla putbacks, to extend the lead to 15, and after 3, it’s Milford, 57, and Oakwood, 42. We’ll be right back after this commercial break. You’re listening to exciting Mudlark Basketball on WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Here’s what Coach Shaw had to say about our clinic:

‘My doctor told me there was nothing I could do about my erectile dysfunction. I told my wife and she was supportive but deep down I knew she was disappointed. I felt less of a man. I was embarrassed!!!!!! And the players on the football team, after practice was over, would ask me if I was OK. I guess I looked pretty bummed out. But what do you tell a 16-year-old linebacker? The truth? Then I saw the Milford Men’s Clinic across the mall while I was slurping my raspberry yogurt in a booth at Orange Julius. I decided to give it a try. What did I have to lose but my sex life? I could still cameo from season to season depending on where Gil needed me, if nothing else. I’m glad I walked in. Now my wife and I have restored our intimacy. I have eliminated my ED and have been restored back in good standing at the Milford Holiday Inn.’

Thousands upon thousands have engaged in the plan and have recovered their dignity as well as their desire. If Coach Shaw can walk out a new macho stud, you can too!!!!!!!!! Call today!!!!!!!! 1-800-SEX-GOOD or you can stop by our clinic in the Milford Mall and set up a free consultation. You can also visit us online at coachshawfoundlostmanhoodatmmclinic.com. You have nothing to lose but a whole more to gain!!!!!”

Today’s Black History Month person is Ronnie Mack. He was a songwriter and producer back in the early ’60’s. He somewhat paralleled Eddie Rabbitt as both were talented but wet-behind-the ears musicians and songwriters. Ronnie wrote “Puppy Love”(although not the Paul Anka version, the more popular one) while Eddie wrote “Kentucky Rain”, both sold for a song and a dance, the latter bought, loosely speaking, from Colonel Tom Parker(DON’T get me started on Parker’s ruthlessness) for Elvis to sing. Both Ronnie and Eddie got wise to the game, Eddie having a productive career with songs like “I Love a Rainy Night”, “Drivin’ My Life Away”, and “Every Which Way But Loose”. Ronnie went on to produce and write songs for The Chiffons, including the smash hit “He’s So Fine” and also wrote songs for The Tokens who had earlier fame with “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”. Tragically, Ronnie died of cancer in 1963 and a VERY productive career was cruelly cut short. The songwriting team of Lamont Dozier, Eddie Holland, and Brian Holland, Motown heavyweights in the ’60’s with hits such as “Stop! In the Name of Love”, wrote a song about Ronnie, entitled “Jimmy Mack”, performed by Martha and The Vandellas. Oh, Jimmy Mack, when are you comin’ back indeed. Please spread the word about a man who deserved more and is VERY dear to my heart.

Gang, it’s your turn. Got any questions or comments, I’ll be on the other end, away from The Dove. I get a sick gut feeling she has more on her plate with a one Marty Moon.

February 19, 2018

Paloma Escuchó Eso

Filed under: basketball, Marty Moon — nedryerson @ 7:45 am

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Well, I guess teenchy got his question answered about the black clad figure in the background of the last installment. It was Paloma, long distance eavesdropping on her brother’s conversation with Marty Moon. Guess what, she’s not thrilled with Jorge’s commitment to his cultural identity, or whatever our issue du jour ultimately is. I’d love to wade into the topic here, but I’m itching to get started in celebrating President’s Day*, so I’ll leave all that to the community.

I do like the mohawk guy. Maybe he’s actually got Native American roots and he’s just biding his time before he turns around and tells Paloma that she doesn’t know the half of it.

*I don’t need a mattress so I guess I’ll watch curling.

February 17, 2018

Munenhausen By Proxy

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Oh great. Mar-TEEN – er, Marty – thinks Jorge put Karina and Ernie Duncan up to confront him about butchering his name. This is the first Jorge’s heard of this, of course, so he’s totally within his rights to head-bobble. Not only does he deny knowledge of the issue (in a visually imperceptible Georgia drawl, I imagine), he provides further proof of his cultural assimilation by throwing up a classic Milfordian non-confrontational, flat-palmed freak hand at Marty (and maybe at Marty’s bespectacled Oakwood counterpart next to him).

I’m really kind of disappointed with the way Rubin’s turned this response to Marty’s on-air jackassery into a game of telephone. If he’d sent Paloma, not Duncan, to WDIG with Karina, this conversation wouldn’t even be happening; the Dove would have sent Marty crawling back to the safety of his crate. Hell, I still don’t think anybody in the real world of today would’ve gone directly to the offending party before having their beef with them. Soon as one of these kids finds out “Moon” is short for Munenhausen, the schnitzel will hit the fan.

Speaking of beef, whaddya think is going on with the couple in the stands behind Jorge? I’ve seen that hands-on-hips stance from mrs. teenchy from time to time, and it’s never a good sign.

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