I can understand the Celebrity Angle loud and clear. After all, The Flintstones did it, bringing in stars like Tony Curtis (“Stony Curtis”) , Alfred Hitchcock (“Alfred Brickrock”) , and Ann-Margret (“Ann Marg-rock”) . Therefore, I really didn’t flinch when Kareem Abdul-Jabbar dropped in on Mudlarkland, although as I mentioned on the Gil Go Comics site, it’s like Kareem dropping in on Mayberry and teaching Gomer and Floyd the Barber how to break a press.
But okay, I’ll work with it because Kareem has some good ideas and always had some, especially when he did Coach on the reservation. Personally, I thought it was a crock to not give him a chance as an NBA coach when other greats like Dave Cowens, Butch Beard, Wes Unseld, Phil Jackson (we all know about THAT story) , Jerry Sloan, K.C. Jones, Bill Russell, and Magic Johnson have been at the head coaching helm at one time or the other. There’s nothing wrong with coaching on a Native American’s turf, don’t get me wrong, but I always thought Kareem deserved a shot at The Best Basketball on the Planet.
That said, as Hitorque so acutely notices, it’s one thing for Kareem to come in and have a few words to say or maybe run ONE practice. Coach For The Day sort of thing. But I get this sneakin’ suspicion that Kareem may wind up as Coach For The Decade while Gil slips off for another Harvey Wallbanger at Beth’s Bar. True, the team might run Luke’s team off the ledge with the rest of the lemmings but they might in the process run Gil out of Milford if he makes a habit of drinking more on the bar stool with Larry Tate and Darren Stephens than at the gym water fountain.
Time will tell. If the Laker front office didn’t leave any messages to Kareem, I’d worry, Coach Thorp.
At the Glenwood Cruise Across Mud Mountain shipline
“What’s the matter, Fred? You usually play shuffleboard with reckless abandon.”
“My testosterone level has plummeted. The Cruise physician told me that explained why I couldn’t pounce on Wilma when she was sleeping in her bed.”
“Try a Bucket Shake with an extra egg in it. You’ll be hornier than Truck Tyler in the outhouse by the time bedtime rolls around. Shoot, you’ll finally grow more hair on your chest than on your pate.”
“Thanks, Kareem”
“Anytime. Oh, and a few wind sprints and you’ll be a Speed Demon under the sheets.”
Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer
“Henry ‘Hank’ Finkel Will Assist Kareem Abdul-Jabbar At Milford Boys Basketball Practices!!!!!!!!!”
sub headline
“Finkel will work with the big men; will also instruct the reserve team to practice removing sweats when number is called in the fourth quarter of garbage time.”
Okay, the artwork in P1 is pretty immaculate so I’ll lay off this time but beware The Blob!!!!! He’s still hungry for victims and Picasso sketches that appear like Little Lulu. Anyway, I’d laugh if all this running to make Hickory tougher and faster came to nought because
BRRRRRRRRIIIINNGGGGGG
BRRRRRRRRIII-
“Mudlark Athletic Office.”
“Yeah, Gil? This is Luke here. Hey, we’re going to have to renege on the contract next Friday. The roof caved in and the contractor is booked until the end of the month on a subdivision.”
We can change the venue on this. I’m not proud.
At Coffee Cantina
“So Kareem was dominating in Game 6 of the ‘74 Series. And you shoulda seen that sky hook with 2 seconds left. Nothing but nylo-“
“Uh, Coach, you have a minute?”
“Sure, Luke, whatcha need?”
“A B-52 crashed into our locker room. I mean, I’m desperate. I have to resort to puddles in the parking lot to see my reflection. Any way we can reschedule?”
This doesn’t even have to be in Milford
At the top of the Empire State Building
“Wow, Daddy, is that the Chrysler Tower?”
“It sure is, Keri. And that’s the Hudson River and look!!!!! I think I see the lights to Yankee Stadium!”
“Gil, what is that Cessna plane flying over Times Square?”
“I’m not sure, Mimi. Wait a minute-‘Gil, Francesca left me for Coach Kim-Can we move the game back to April 14th?’.”
On Cruise Across Mudlark Lake shipline one evening
“I am going to get my mojo tonight, Wilma. I’m through playing around.”
“Relax, Fred. You’ll do fine in the loser’s bracket of the horseshoe tournament.”
Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer
“Mud Mountain Murphy To Do Three Shows At Milford VFW Lodge!!!!!!!!!!!”
sub headline
“Signs contract which would include a mini-concert at the raffle ticket drawing.”
I’m really honestly glad Kareem came in to give the Mudlarks a grueling but beneficial workout. Like Norman Dale once said, no team of mine is going to wear out before my opponent does. Well and good.
But I liked what some of the readers pointed out. Stuff like this in all reality needed to be done at the beginning of the season. Next month, Major League Baseball goes full tilt. I remember when Wade Phillips, when he was coaching the Dallas Cowboys, once said he got with Jerry Jones, in a desperate move to save his job, to discuss being on the same page with the players. The gist of the conversation was “Do you understand what we mean when it comes to tackling? Or blocking? Or catching the ball?”
Wade, I hate to break this to you, especially since I am not a Football Man, but isn’t that what Preseason is for? If a guy doesn’t know how to tackle, cut him. Don’t wait until Thanksgiving and post a pop quiz about how to look it in the tuck. Needless to say, Jones canned his ass shortly thereafter.
Just don’t look for Gil to do the same thing with Dr. Pearl
“No, really, Dr. Pearl, we’re going to have Saturday practice so I can remind them how to slide their feet on defense.”
“Fine, Gil. Incidentally, Mr. Jones called again. He wants to know if you’d like the Receivers Coach position. He’ll be in Fort Worth all day at a PTA Supper so you’ll have to call after 6.”
The Road to Hades was paved with good intentions that emerged shortly before Easter.
On the Cruise Across Gil’s Lawn tour lines
“Rocky Mountain Highhhhhhhhhhhh, Colorado-BELCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-oops, sorry, Folks. That Bar-B-Q Spam really gave me the gas.”
Heard in the audience somewhere
“Now I know why Buck severed the relationship, Wilma. Pass the popcorn, please.”
Late Afternoon Edition to the Milford Enquirer
“Kareem To Speak At Milford Moose Lodge Tipoff Luncheon!!!!!!!”
sub headline
“He was quoted during Autograph Hour ‘Better late than never’.”
“Hold on, Coach. I lost my contact. It’s over by the hash mark somewhere.”
“No problem. I need to call Mr. Luhm to mop up the vomit on the floor anyway.”
Well, no, I don’t think that would be the dialogue if the caption balloons were blank but don’t tempt me. P2 is a Pandora’s box of possibilities even if I realize that in the end that Kareem’s intentions are noble.
“Owwwwwweeeee, I threw out my back!!!!!!!!”
“I have some Vick’s Vap-o-Rub in my briefcase.”
Like I said.
“Did your mother run you in the ground in the Power Memorial feeder system?”
“My Man, my mom made the whole family run suicides. It was that or go to bed without any supper.”
Okay, I’ll quit while I’m ahead.
On Glenwood Cruise Without Having To Race To The ATM
“Who left the lid off of the Crest?”
“I’m sorry, Fred. I’ve told Mr. Murphy about this several times. I’ll have a word with him before the Boxcar Willie Country Jam.”
If ya sing “Them Muddy Boots” with relish becuz that’s what ya wear when yuz clock into yore second job, ya might be a redneck.
Is it really necessary to bring in Coal Miner’s Daughter’s step-sister to kibbutz the action with Gil???? And what is all this all accomplishing? Like, where did Emmett go? Doggone, he’s the one who invited Abdul-Jabbar to the practice in the first place. Is he in a luxury suite with Jerry Jones discussing proper taking-a-charge techniques???? Leave it to Thorpiverse to set the wheels in motion then let the damn engine idle the rest of the month. This is a typical pitiful martial arts B-movie late at night on WDIG where Abdul-Jabbar is running them in the ground while the rest of the King Fu crowd is watching. Oh, it’s my turn to run sprints? My bad.
And what’s Gil going to do? Run along with them? Really, I can’t see him and Beth the Bartender running wind sprints until midnight. I remember when Paul Westhead had basketball players in his Speedball system running with parachutes attached to them to get them ready for the season. Okay, that was Loyola Marymount and it made sense. But where in the bar is Beth going to get in shape for Speedball? The parachute might get tangled up with the pool table.
Run them with parachutes until they gotta barf in the water fountain, Kareem. Nice system.