This Week in Milford

April 15, 2021

Baseball, Mount Rushmore, and Magic Marker Trees, Americana At Its Finest.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 9:52 am

Does Gil need to take a dump in P1? I know he eats a lot of Taco Bell Egg-and-Steak Fried Bean Chocolate Burritos before a game to relieve the stress. Hey, I feel ya, Coach. There should be a Port-o-Let right outside the door that Luhm unbolted for the Spring. I feel like we’re watching Kaz and Fred Sanford walking down the hallway to the game. You hear that Mimi? This is the big one. But Coach, next time, use your walker.

And we wait in anticipation for the upcoming season. It sounds like these two gentlemen are fired up although they will in all likelihood disappear from the landscape before too long. Maybe that’s why they’re all fired up. They won’t be involved in the controversy. Lately, Corina’s played the role of removing the grime and the slime from the day-to-day operations and keep the (insert season) team from attaining Nirvana or a happy ending, whichever comes first. Maybe that’s why Katy Brito has been inserted into the scenario. Oh, c’mon, did you honestly think the Reference Lady Who’s Dr. Pearl’s Twin was going to play the role of sludge remover? I didn’t see a shovel begind her desk.

But hey, they’re walking out the door Into The Great Wide Open. Two rebels without a clue, as Tom Petty once mentioned. It must be nice to coach from the dugout in your Levi’s. No better way to establish presence with the kids than to make an emphatic fashion statement. I just hope the VO5 holds up. Spring days that look like Winter are just killers on the spray-painted hair.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Slated To End Impasse Over Community Service Brouhaha Sometime In The Afternoon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I told the Judge and the jury that I’ll do Bullwinkle and Boris but ain’t no way I know how to yell like a rhino when I’M bein’ pulled out of a hat.”

Gang, remember that “Oops, I Crapped My Pants!!!!” Diaper sketch on SNL? I think Gil is wearing one today. That’s right, Coach, before you disappear for another season, don’t let the kids see you transitioning after you’ve worked out at Generic Gym from a jock strap to Fruit of the Looms you could pour Hawaiian Punch Cherry Mix into. Just let it be our little secret, Coach. Good news is that if you blow a wad that could fill the Grand Canyon and be an EPA Emergency Hazard to the Colorado River down below, you’ll have a safety net that could catch Lulu and Junior Samples if they were to jump out of the third floor of the Milford Federal Building when thry were cashing their checks they earned from Hee Haw. I know people get old and face the facts, Gil is over 60 but I never thought he was ready to wear underwear that could pass for a trampoline should the circus comes to town. But nothing has dripped all over the hallway nor the 3rd base coach’s box so we should be safe for now.

And what is Kaz caterwauling about? Was he hibernating in his classroom? It doesn’t have windows? Was he teaching geography with stalagmites all around the room? Did the Yeti make an occasional appearance after hiding in the Himalayas? Was he talking about European capitals in Mammoth Cave? Kaz, you must have come in this morning and seen the weather all around you. Were you expecting it to transition from North Pole to Miami Beach in 2 hours? I mean, you can’t wear “Oops, I Crapped My Pants!!!!” for brain lock. Ain’t no way I’m expecting Luhm to mop up the stuff that dripped out of your head. We might have you take that small Dixie cup, head to the faculty bathroom and take a urine test once you’ve deposited a sufficient amount from your cranium. We are drug-free at Milford, Coach. Have you been living in a cave?

If ya use “Oops, I Crapped My Pants!!!!” as a dipstick rag cuz yore bloodhounds chew up all the rags in yore garage, ya might be a redneck.

Folks, do we REALLY need to be reminded of what Easter Island looks like? I couldn’t imagine flying on this plane from Chile 1000 miles west and land on this inky-dinky parlez-vous island in the middle of the South Pacific with a neighboring island a million miles somewhere else that Napoleon got exiled to only to see Kaz’s mug next to this gigantic Neo-Lithic Herman Munster visage with all the tapirs running around searching for ants. Talk about a tourist trap.

And it looks like the trees crapped their pants and are positioning their droppings towards Gil’s and Kaz’s heads. How many trees actually reach 1000 feet, speaking of Mount Rushmore? Do they use the tree growing out of Gil’s head as a spare antenna when a wayward plane knocks over the WDIG tower? I think King Kong dragged Fay Wray up the tree growing out of Kaz’s head. Oh wait, it’s 45 degrees and not a cheery cloud in the sky. King Kong wouldn’t terrorize the city of Milford on an overcast day, would he? When Zane is about to make his debut after throwing at that stick-figure redwood 1000 times. Don’t rain on the corn pone script, King Kong.

Yes, South Dakota, in the interest of promoting tourism, will allow Old Man of the Mountain, er, Kaz’s face to remain in its proper stste in the Badlands. No why would you want to remove an Institution wannabe? If the tourists are snapping their cameras and pouring in money at the souvenir shop for shirts and coffee mugs with prairie dogs shooting out of The Kaz, who cares if it’s a tourist trap?

In the New Hampshire Tourist Bureau Headquarters office one afternoon

“I don’t care what the Governor says, The Old Kaz On The Mountain must be restored to its proper state. People are shifting their tourist dollars over to Vermont. Nobody brings a Polaroid to Mount Mansfield.”

And another thing, why were we surprised when Coach Kaz was less than enthusiatic about the weather? Okay, I remember when I went to my local university baseball game and a friend of mine was getting disgusted with the umpiring because he felt like the crew were trying to get the game over ASAP because of the thirty-degree weather. Finally, on a questionable strikeout of the hometown batter, my friend yelled out “C’mon, ump, it ain’t THAT cold!!!!!!!!!!!” Kaz, you’re not in Antarctica. If you don’t like coaching baseball, go to Mammoth Cave as a park ranger. Lord knows you’ve had plenty of practice hiding from reality.

Darn, he doesn’t have Barry Bader to throw around like a rag doll or through the ropes like Harley Race doing a number on Freezer Thompson. When the National Wrestling Alliance atmosphere is removed, whattya know, YOU GOTTA COACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It shouldn’t be too hard, Kaz. Just walk to this structure called the dugout. Of course with Gil in the front, that’s like the blind leading the blind but you gotta start somewhere. And those people wearing powder blue shirts are called umpires. Just a word of warning: They hate games being interrupted by Nick’s Pizza or Jay’s Subs or invasion by extraterrestrial beings. It’d be advisable to call ahead of time and tell them to come AFTER the game. E.T. or the Kanamits really need to invade on their own time.

Otherwise, get a rule book, watch some videos, and go to coaching clinics. I’m sure the Valley Conference sponsors them. And the reference librarians can point the way to the video library. I’m almost sure of it.

Ooooooookkkkkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back with intentions to restore order. Have at it, Gene

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooooooooooo dumb (HOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought that Old Kaz On The Mountain fell off the mountain because it _______________________.”

MARTY’S BACK!!!!!!!!!!! This Vic “I’m Not Lisa And DEFINITELY Not Marty” Doucette substitution for Marty “I Got Thrown In The Dumpster For A Teenager Who Did Nothing In His Chevy Van After 60 Loyal Years Of Service” Moon just simply didn’t work. I was once watching a nail-biter between Indiana and Michigan at Crisler Arena, Michigan’s home court, when Bob Knight was coach at Indiana and Bill Frieder was coach at Michigan and the Wolverines were playing great basketball but got burned numerous times on back-door cuts, reflecting a bit of Frieder’s disorganization. Michigan lost by one point, squandering two excellent opportunities to win the game and the Michigan fans understandably were howling for Frieder’s head. Can’t blame ’em as Steve Fisher took over at the end of the season and his patient, better-structured style struck a chord with players like Glen Rice and they went on to win the National Championship.

Anyway, there were signs all over Ann Arbor with not-surprisingly unkind notes about Coach Frieder like “Fire Frieder” and “Hi Mom!!! Send Money And A New Coach!!!!!” But the clincher that I thought was hilarious was “We Hate Knight But At Least He Can Coach”. And that’s how I feel about Marty Moon. He’s a snake-in-the-grass but, by God, he’s OUR snake-in-the-grass. Relegating Marty to cameo status was like having Ward Cleaver calling on the Batphone whenever The Joker was in Milford and Commissioner Gordon only showing up at Bruce Wayne Foundation events to propose a toast. Good to see Marty back in the booth. I mean, c’mon, Marty does a better job of running over Gil and Mimi like a lawn mower. Vic can’t even get a prom date unless it’s a whole herd of buffalo. Do you REALLY want a teenager who couldn’t take Tessi to Milford Square Dance Club Bingo Night criticizing Gil’s hit-and-run moves that backfire in the late innings? Lambasting Gil’s pitching changes when the bases are loaded and Milford leading, 21-4? Arguing with Coach Kaz over who’s going to put the equipment on the bus after the game?

At the Valley Principal’s Seminar

“Oops, I crapped my pants. I’ll be right back.”

“That’s the 5th time today that Dr. Pearl has walked out. I knew we shouldn’t have served that Spiced Spaghetti and Zucchini at lunch.”

April 14, 2021

Don’t Worry, Luhm, Zane Isn’t Horning In on Your Turf

Okay, so the young lady with the tendrils hanging down isn’t a teacher but a fellow student, Priya (no last name yet), and this isn’t an academic class but a senior class meeting. I don’t recall what gets done in these meetings: cap and gown ordering, picking a class song or theme, deciding who’s “most likely to succeed” or “wittiest” or some other “superlative,” choosing a class trip and a prom theme, etc., usw. Really, just a bunch of stuff to pad your resume when applying to colleges, and there’s always that kid who takes it just a little too seriously and makes it uncomfortable for most everyone else involved. Here, Priya is that kid.

Among the suddenly dumped upon us exposition is that Zane has somehow managed to get himself elected senior class vice president. With everything that’s going on at home it’s hard to imagine how he would’ve run for and, if he won, agreed to serve in that role. Maybe that it serves as another form of therapy is what kept Zane from going all General Sherman on the Milford High Class of 2021.

Obviously Katy Brito doesn’t care if Priya’s nose is out of joint. Nor does Zane for that matter. Only When Abel Brito Charlie Delta sticks his nose in will things get truly snippy.

April 13, 2021

Gofigurethisone.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:14 pm

Zane Clark has entered our lives with questionable baggage, thankfully none that would suggest he did anything to earn bunkmate status with Mr. Bader. It is still quite annoying to imagine his absence from baseball and he’s been throwing through this used Toyo tire hanging off an elm tree in his back yard. Then he looks at his Seiko and goes “Shut my mouth and call me corn pone, it’s my senior year. I better get to Coach Thorp’s office before I go to Milford Photography for my senior picture!!!!!! If I’m lucky, he might put me in long relief!!!!!!!!!!”

And what was his dad doing to earn disability? I’m exploring the possibilities. Right now, I have this vision of a man who has this tool box and body shop equipment and he throws out his back attempting to straighten out the car behind the building that Gil and Gofundme are pretending to be pumping iron (don’t throw out your back, Gil, on that 10-pounder, while we’re talking about safety with body parts) . That’s right, Zane’s dad did not use the tow truck to line out the vehicle to its rightful form, instead opting to rely upon his brute strength and a chain and might have still been able to pull off this minor miracle if he hadn’t have slipped on a grease spot in the parking lot and thereby saved the artist needless ridicule for vehicles that would still look that way even he didn’t bother with this risky fait d’accomplait. So now we’re stuck with lousy vehicle Pollack Expressionism and a father on welfare. Oh, but Zane will be the Valley Conference MVP, get signed by the Dodgers, being a Bonus Baby and the plot will right itself. Dudley Do-Right strikes again, only in Milford.

Speaking of Dudley, the voice of him and Bullwinkle was portrayed by Bill Scott, a highly successful veteran voice actor and comedian (Rocky the Squirrel was voiced by a fellow veteran voice actress and comedienne, June Foray, BTW) . When the show was conceived, Scott, who had a hand in the scriptwriting for the show, asked the producer who was going to voice Bullwinkle. The producer replied matter-of-factly “I thought you knew. You.” With that in mind

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. To Appeal Community Service Sentence!!!!!!!!!!!! Talks To Cochran Legal Team Exploring His Options!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I don’t know how to talk like a moose. What’s the judge expect, me to sit in Milford Fish & Wildlife Area and do mating calls with a foghorn?”

Here’s another theory. Zane’s dad is now unable to work because he was at war, armed with his Cub Cadet SC 300 hw walk-behind mower, with a mass of trees, such as the mass looming behind the avant-garde Art Nouveau-designed vehicles in P1. It was a valiant effort but there was no magician such as in Fantasia when Mickey Mouse had created a Frankenstein and could do nothing to halt the progress of walking brooms traipsing with their buckets of water all over Milford. No, the trees overtook him at the Battle of the Second Bulge and only a young maple sapling was able to save his life by having him hide behind Bambi. So now Papa Clark is living on chewy Granola bars and Cream of Wheat as the Monster Hackberrys and Ponderosa Pines did a number on his dental work. Way to kick a man when he was down, Mr. Loblolly Pine.

And what is Zane’s mom doing part-time? Picking up the loose leaves and loose twigs from the aftermath of the battle? That might be the longest part-time job on record. Is she working the drive-thru at The Bucket? I can’t EVEN imagine my mom asking “Would you like a Bucket Apple Pie with your Bucket Penne Pasta Rigatoni e Vino Rosso?”. Oh, I get it, she works for the Milford Highway Department as Manual Terrestrial Technician or Ditch Digger. You got it, if your toilet is overflowing, be assured that MHD will be tearing up the streets pronto to get literally to the bottom of the problem. You’d have Zane’s mom to thank when her earnest and determined efforts eventually means no more turds floating in your living room. America was built on the shoulders of giants.

Or maybe she might be a toll booth attendant somewhere. If it’s woman at 1:30AM on the Indiana Toll Road, I’ll FINALLY know who it is.

If ya lift weights with the Chevy engine block that ya yanked outta yore crate so that ya can tone on yore muscles and be in better cond-ish-in-ing when ya git ta work doin’ maintenance on th’ furnace at Milford Foundry, ya might be a redneck.

With just a skeleton load of information to work with, GoFundMe does appear to be a wonderful organization that has generally helped humanity. Like any organization, particularly charitable organizations, it has its drawbacks. The most glaring one, a limitation by the organization’s own admission, is while they are always happy to help people who got incapicatated through unforeseen circumstances that left them in the lurch now matter how much insurance they had, particularly health insurance, the organization has been confronted with a dangerous snowballing of people uninsured, those people increasingly clamoring for help. It’s nice to have a safety net for people who did everything to cover the bases and still got left a buck short; after all, that was why the organization was founded. But people do indeed need to do everything to take care of themselves through Medicare, Medicaid, insurance at work, and other legitimate government agencies so that the organization remains a wonderful safety net or the dam could break financially in the future.

STILL, it is a great alternative, one I highly endorse and they have been able to filter through the system so that, more often than not, people who honestly need assistance get it.

The problem I am having with Gil besides his Archie Campbell from Hee Haw interpretation of this outfit is I really seriously question whether GoFundMe is right for the Clark family, given the large-scale scope through which GoFundMe normally works. Sure, if Zane’s dad gets knocked in the head by that tree in P1 since the tree was the ringleader of all the killer trees in that picture, I’m sure his dad will be laying out for a while. But that’s what Workman’s Comp or Social Secirity Disability Insurance is for. I’m sure that once the case worker sees the welt on Mr. Clark’s head, he’d be approved in no time flat. Branch scars do leave permanent effects. In the end, this is Gil’s way of trying to show the general public he has a firm grasp on the task at hand. Coach, you’re barely maneuvering those piddly weights around, given the Hangman pose in P1. If that grip reflects your views on charitable operations, Milford Easter Seals might switch over to Christmas and Milford Toys for Tots could be another department at Toys ‘R’ Us. Thorpiverse, I am really amazed at your grasp of the issue. Makes me want to grab one of those trees and uproot it out of the ground and throw out my back the way Mr. Clark did.

Not to say that I wouldn’t applaud GoFundMe should that be an option the Clark family pursues. While I have always liked the Korean proverb I read in my high school World History textbook to “never use a sword to swat at a mosquito”, far be it from me to want to see the Clark family hanging. Get help where you can.

I just hope that Gil spends less time watching Hee Haw and more time watching the 21st century. It was funny when Archie Campbell talked about Rindercella and her sass glipper and her step-mother made sure that sass glipper wouldn’t fit so she could marry the prince. It’s less funny when Hee Haw is in the gym being played out by Kaz and Gil. The only thing missing in P2 is Lulu and the corn stalks.

“Gil, you didn’t know? The producer at WDIG-TV wants you to do voice-overs of Bullwinkle. You’re on in 10 minutes.”

“Kaz, I got a ball game in an hour!!!!!!! Does that producer think I give sports a low priority????”

“You really want me to answer that, Gil?”

And I thought the Shadow People were bad but I’ll allow that I can see certain features such as the hair off the head, their shoes, their banners, etc. But when I was an 8-year-old, if my teacher asked me to draw a picture of Charles Atlas lifting weights, my humble offering would be that pair of stick figures in P1. Don’t EVEN ask me to show what a stick figure Charles Atlas looks like when he’s doing squats or French curls. Nope, not gonna try to show how he executes the leg press or leg extension. T-verse art in relation to weightlifting is like a K-Tel Richard Clayderman record. Both may heve their merits but ain’t no way I’m calling the operators at 3:30AM to order after I saw the infomercial for either one.

Then there’s that tattoo. I’d rather wake up at 3:30AM and ORDER Richard Clayerman or Troy Corey or Clog Dancing in Milford (“It is sweeping the country!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) . Again, T-verse is trying to throw a “Birth of the Cool” angle at us by Gil trying to show he knows what he’s talking about and Kaz trying to show he knows what he’s talking about and attempting to back up that claim with his tattoo. All we’re getting is Close ‘n’ Play. Believe me, Miles Davis came out with a monumental record but Kaz’s tattoo and that classic record are about as opposite as the Grand Canyon and Star Trek Sings Creedence Clearwater Revival (trust me, a record similar to that actually got released) . Someone in the art studio must have exvlaimed “SHIT!!!!!!!! I forgot he’s got a tattoo!!!!!!!!!” and did a makeshift serpintine Crayola job right before press time and now we are stuck with a barbed wire design suitable for your next Connect-the-Dots activity on the placemat at Denny’s. The kids oughta love penciling in the barbs while they’re waiting for their Child’s Plate Spaghetti.

Gene Rayburn is back!!!!!!!!!!! And he doesn’t have any meaningless tattoos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And he intends to tattoo this plot!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take ‘er away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Coach Kaz had a ________________ tattooed on his butt.”

“Hey, Mimi, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Gil, Bullwinkle you aren’t. How many Fantas did you drink to keep that voice?”

“Hey, WDIG-TV just signed me to a 10-year contract. When I can’t coach anymore, I’ll have something to fall back on.”

“We finally agree on something after over 30 years of marriage.”

We get to the part in the plot where Zane is just comin’ in when he durn well pleases. Why not? It worked in Gilberto’s office. Just toss a few rubber balls through the tire and don’t smash the garage window, take a few healthy swings at Milford Bat-o-Rama (be sure you’re loaded down with coins to keep the machines going) , stretch the truth and say that Don Mattingly was your personal trainer and voila! Gil has a spot for you on the roster. I’ll be sure to keep myself loaded down with war stories and fishing stories (“At my last employer, Wal-Mart, I caught one out of Electronics THIS BIG”) when I’m talking to the personnel director at Milford Foundry. Boy, I’m just as good as a job as a forklift driver.

Is his dad a quadriplegic? He has to spoon-feed Papa Lucky Charms and Eggo Waffles before he can apply last-minute touches to his homework? (Smacks head) DAMN I forgot, Mama is working part-time as an iron-pourer at Milford Foundry and has to have those iron support beams shipped off to build a freeway in another state and doesn’t have the time to spend nurse-maiding Papa or her son. Yup, when Zane did all his throwing, he had to retrieve his own balls cuz Mama couldn’t sing bass nor play catcher.

Does he get sent to the principal’s office or is everybody going to let it slide (again) ? Judging by the miens of humanity in P3, Zane better get his act together or he’ll pitching through the tire for Valley Modified.

“Did you have that tattoo sketched before you came to Milford? Or is your Grandma a Hell’s Angel?”

“Gil, don’t try Bullwinkle at Milford Comedy Club. You’ll have people thinking you talk as if your throat GOT tattooed.”

And we’re not sure if this a class (most logical guess), a conference/class discussion (iffy but possible) or a seminar (doubtful) or a club meeting (doubtful again) . Thank God this isn’t the Yalta Conference. It’s highly doubtful FDR could have kept warding off Stalin and Churchill with “I had to go feed the dog” or “My mom’s got herpes again and I had to change the sheets” or “I got held up at the Yalta Tattoo Parlor. They had this special on barbed-wire fences” or “I had to take my dad to Rehab to massage his fractured skull he got from a land mine at Nurnberg”.

And the atmosphere overall is beliveable as students are drawn like students and not Archie & The Gang viewed through A Hall of Funny Mirrors. The only thing that really qualifies for the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects is that little file rack on top of the cabinet. Some redneck evideny got careless and thought it was a sphinx and blew its damn head off. Now the class is stuck with shards of plastic and a student with shards of time. But we can always go to Office Depot and get another file rack.

“And we’ll be back to see if Zane gets relegated to kindergarten, thereby stripping him of his eligibility on the baseball team after this. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, have you have a loved one pass away recently? How did the funeral turn out? Did it meet your specifications or were you unhappy they played ‘Victory in Jesus’ instead of ‘When The Roll is Called Up Yonder’ for your great-great- uncle’s funeral? Did the hyacinths fall and leave a mess of dirt and water when your Grandma Bertha was lying in state?

These and many other unsettling concerns are certainly issues to be addressed. Greetings, this is Dr. Pearl for Milford Funeral Solutions. When my great-great-great-grandfather recently passed away, I was worried that other funeral establishments could have flushed his Medal of Freedom that he earned from the Spanish-American War down the commode. That is why I turned to Milford Funeral Solutions and its ‘How Will You Be Remembered’ Program. Believe you me, they treated Grandpa Geezer like he was being buried next to Teddy Roosevelt.

They made sure his sword was painstakingly positioned over his chest so it didn’t resemble an enormous toothpick skewering his kidneys. And the music was perfect. He always loved ‘Yankee Doodle’ and ‘Way Down Upon The Swanee River’, especially when the he and the rest of the Rough Riders were charging San Juan Hill. I can’t remember which one Stephen Foster wrote but if he were alive, he’d need an extra hanky at Grandpa Geezer’s farewell party.

And Milford Funeral Solutions realizes that not everybody carries the same definition of a conventional funeral. That’s why for the Hooligan in you, your Classic Rock-loving grandfather can literally enter the Stairway to Heaven with Milford Funeral Solutions providing sound-proof funeral parlors so that Led Zeppelin doesn’t overshadow the funeral parlor next door with a pre-recording of George Beverley Shea crooning ‘Softly and Tenderly’ for that grandmother about to have her person donated to science. We are all one happy family under the same roof.

But perhaps some of you don’t like Billy Graham or The Who singing ‘The Punk and The Godfather’ when your mom is crossing into The Elysian Fields. Not a problem. Milford Funeral Solutions has varied musical selections, from Lawrence Welk to Beethoven, from Mitch Miller Singers to Hank Snow. And with your choice of foliation, not to mention state-of-the-art facilities for viewing, your loved one is sure to written in SOMEBODY’S Book of Life. With our automatic rotating casket for viewing, everybody will get an opportunity to see their Grandma Moses one last time with dignity and respect. And with free photos of the dead running the panaroma of fine observation, why go and leave your loved one to chance? I don’t want this to be a 50/50 proposition when I’m getting embalmed.

Come to Milford Funeral Solutions today so that you can have piece of mind knowing that your loved one will not be forgotten. We guarantee that your prized possession will leave behind a legacy that everybody can be proud of. I know we didn’t leave part of Grandpa Geezer’s legacy in the trunk but buried his combat boots along with his lucky canteen to be carted off to the Heavens. I’m sure Grandpa is gurgling mouth wash out of it behind the Peatly Gates wven as I speak. Come give your dearly departed the 5-Star Send-Off only at Milford Fineral Solutions.”

Gang, that is not Eric Clapton in P1. Clapton is God, remember? And when was God ever a stick figure? But God bless you, anyway.

At the Milford Comedy Club one rainy evening

“…what do I look like, me and Rocky and Boris and Natasha exchanging partners at an orgy???”

Dead silence. Somebody munching cashews in the back is faintly heard.

“Well, Mr. Thorp needs to brush up on his Bullwinkle but didn’t he knock ’em dead otherwise???? Huh???? Huh????”

April 12, 2021

Pitching Therapy

Filed under: baseball, big arms, Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp — nedryerson @ 6:35 am

Zane Clark has been pitching to his little brother. That’s how he’s maintained his stuff. In today’s strip, we also find out what’s been up with Zane Clark (who we didn’t know before, but no biggie). Zane’s Dad has been having a series of strokes and has been unable to work. That’s why Zane goes to the library, I guess. This really doesn’t sound like it adds up to a scenario where Zane absolutely couldn’t play ball, but there must be more going on that we don’t need to be troubled with, so Zane’s back and let’s all go nuts. Let’s also get Zane’s little brother in for a tryout. Great catchers are just falling off trees in Milford so what are you waiting for, Gil?

First thing is first though, so Gil has to go lift with Kaz to stare at those sweet biceps fill Kaz in on Zane’s dramatic story. Careful with that barbell, Gil. If you lose balance, you’re gonna crash through that window!

April 10, 2021

In Milford, Settling Is a Way of Life

Filed under: actual action, baseball, exposition comics, softball — teenchy @ 7:41 pm

Well butter my ass and call me a biscuit. Now this makes two posts in a row where I can actually relate to something in a Gil Thorp strip. Last time out it was going to the public library after school to study before practice. Today it’s knowing when to hang up the tools of ignorance.

I was once a good-field, no-hit catcher (well, not quite no-hit but a spray line-drive hitter without much power) who could handle pitchers okay and didn’t mind the occasional home plate collision. I was also slow as molasses so there really wasn’t any non-catching position other than maybe first base where I wouldn’t be a liability. Along came a kid two years behind me who could do all of that, run the bases and mash taters like it was Thanksgiving. Didn’t take me long to see that I would be relegated to bullpen work at best so I quit the team and confined my catching to church and industrial league softball from then on. At least that kid went on to make All-State so I didn’t feel that badly for leaving the team in the lurch.

Despite only having seen Corina catch twice, at the Valley Mod – Milford pickup picnic and with Ray-in-waiting True Standish over last summer, we’re being told she’s Pudge Rodriguez in a bra. This is exposition par excellence. If we hadn’t had a True Standish in this strip already, I’d go so far as to call Corina a Mary Sue. By finding a place for her in the field, Mimi hints that she hasn’t completely forgotten that Jocelynn Brown has some impact on the lineup. Thanks to Jocelynn having led the rout against Tilden year before last, Mimi and the Lady Mudlarks didn’t have to settle for second in the Valley yet again. Maybe Mimi will ask her to knit a hat for Corina.

Seems like one of you faithful readers commented yesterday to the effect that in the Thorpiverse, players don’t work on their games in the offseason. Well here comes Zane Clark to disprove that theory. He’s been working on his game for the past two offseasons, and the past two seasons for that matter. Wonder if he was playing pickup games with the Valley Mod kids? (edit: Speaking of catchers, what’s up with Boba Fett catching Zane there? No catcher puts their hand that far down to throw signs; if they did, everyone at the game could pick them up.)

If I don’t wrap up this post soon, y’all will have thoroughly commented this strip in yesterday’s comments section. This is what I get for waiting so late in the day to get a post up. Mea culpa.

April 9, 2021

Newbie trumps vet? Bull.

Filed under: ?, female moustache, Mimi Thorp, softball, What the hell is going on here? — robmize2013 @ 7:31 pm

Just when we thought we were over the Corinna Karenna era in the Thorpoverse, here she comes again, spinning out of the turn….

How the FUCKKKKKK does Gil know who should start on Mimi’s team??? When you’ve been the Starting catcher for 2 years, a position that most players dont want, but the ones that do are worth their weight in gold, — its YOUR job to lose. You dont let some newbie from another school just walk in and take your job.

Then in P2 we have Mimi breaking the news to Brown– and she knows what Mimi will say before she says it. Whaaat?? We have mind readers here? Not only does JB happily agree to the position switch, she already knows Corinna is better then her, without really seeing her play a Game! What does that say about Mimi’s talent evaluation? Hey, I’ve held down this job since I was a Sophomore. How damn good do you have to be in the first place to start on the varsity as a sophomore?? Pretty damn good, my friend. But I’ll gladly turn over the job to basically a rookie at the school and better yet, my fielders glove is in my locker. Wait a minute, how do I have a fielders glove when Ive been catching for 2 years? What kinda shape is that thing in? Probably hard as a rock since its been rotting away since maybe when I was a freshman, and I moonlighted in the outfield. Its gonna need a ton of oil.

Then we have the question of — where will JB play now, and if she starts, who else gets the bad news about a position change? ” Are you kidding? Jocelynn is the best right fielder Ive ever seen! My first basemans mitt is in my locker.”

We just got a pile of fresh manure dumped on us.

And the stench is powerful.

April 8, 2021

“Is Derwood Causing Problems Again, Samantha?”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:24 pm

Any of you old-timers remember the Bewitched episode where Endora cast a spell on Darrin Stephens so he winds up being an obnoxious tightwad? At McMann & Tate, Darrin is on the warpath to address anything even remotely less-than-cost-efficient, confronting a secretary to ship important documents in a large envelope that looked like it’d been bounced around the office a number of times as all the signatures on it would testify or calling the water cooler company to ration the water jug deliveries so that office employees are drinking no more than is necessary to survive.

And okay, it was funny and Samantha finally puts two and two together and correctly concludes that Darrin is Scrooge with an attitude. But do we have to endure this in Milford? I thought we jettisoned Vic and Doug down to Daytona. Alex Brito is Darrin Stephens that Endora metamorphosed into Chet Ballard and we all saw what happned there. The part where Joe Blow and his family are moving to Denver because Jane Blow got a better job, causing Joe Blow to step down from the Milford Library Board. As if we couldn’t see what’s possibly coming next. Alex Brito will likely assume the spot that Mr. Blow vacated and radical changes will be forthcoming. All Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Magazine back issues will be on microfiche, saving a ton on paper. Hey, if the 1982 back issues get burned up in a fire and Milford Library orders replacements, it’s cheaper and lighter for the UPS Man to restore Hitchcock to his rightful place.

“Gil, NOW I see it. Mother has turned you into a responsible, caring coach.”

“I was wondering why I was suddenly showing up at all the practices.”

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Forces Cochran’s Hand, Top Legal Aide Fired From Cochran Team!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“O.J.: ‘I can go down to Milford Pawn Shop and buy legal deeds for Zihuatanejo cheap. I don’t need any legal assistant to go shopping.”

And I’ll concede I see a lot of empty seats and if the reference librarian is busier filing her nails than answering questions, then an audit is clearly in order. But let’s not get hasty here. Number one, Brito Butt hasn’t been elected or appointed to any position of authority in relation to the library yet, nor has he slipped a $100 bill to the head librarian to get on the Board. And number two, I’m shuddering when I think of the changes he has in mind so that Milford Library is solvent.

And what’s he going to do, raze the computer section that isn’t being used in the interest of green space? I’m a hiker by nature but I don’t like knowing that Sherwood Forest was once the Fiction Aisle. That’s right, that extra parking at the Drive-In area at The Bucket to accommodate the overflow of teenagers was where all the magazines and newspapers lay harmlessly on the magazine shelf. And reference librarians do get questions at peak hours, Brito Butt. Don’t make a Toll Road out of the Children’s Reading Room.

The Pantheon of Mysterious Objects is in rare form in P1. Now I’m going to safely conclude that he is brushing his teeth and it is not a Trac II razor that got reduced to nubs by a grindstone somewhere in his living room. But is that a mirror off by its lonesome? If it is, what is Brito Butt facing while using Colgate? Is he spitting in the bathtub? I can almost say with confidence he is not peering into the linen closet. Remember that shaving commercial in the 60’s and 70’s where the man opens his cabinet door and finds someome on the other side, i.e., he’s probably living in a duplex where they share the medicine cabinet? I hope he doesn’t find his neighbor when he opens the shower curtain. And is that a toilet under the mirror? Does Brito Butt have problems narrowing down the angle of his target? Okay, if he spits in the linen closet, no harm, no foul but if he has to take a major dump, I pray to God, he has his rear end located in the right direction. The handle will be there to guide you, Brito Butt.

“Gil, these expenditures on umpires are just outrageous. Next time, get a couple of parents out of the bleachers, brief them on the rules and tell them the ump uniforms are in the shed. And tell them to bring their own indicators.”

“Dr. Pearl, did you have a Taco Salad Luncheon with Endora again?”

We are continuing, or rather concluding this rant in P2. Boy, Brito Butt is getting harsh. There was a scene in “Oh God!” where God (played by the venerable and funny George Burns) is alone with John Denver’s character (Yup, same guy who sang “Rocky Mountain High” and “Thank God I’m a Country Boy”) and says to Denver concerning a phony Televangelist “Tell him I want him to shut up and shine shoes”. You hope to Milford Valley and back that Brito Butt doesn’t tell the Reference Lady to quit her day job and get a job as a scrubber at Milford Car Wash. But I’m not betting that’s a spoon in his hand unless he has possessed the fine art of getting Jell-o or Bob Evans Mashed Potatoes to stand on end.

And is the rest of the library staff, if we indeed follow through on these cuts Butthead has in mind, to get retrained at Milford Department of Labor? What are they going to do, grab a shovel and learn how to scoop tar into the potholes around the city? Yes, your taxes at work enabled that one librarian who checked out all the science books that the shelf could sustain for your term paper to now trowel the concrete onto the road the Milford Department of Highways is repairing. Well, I reckon it’s better than watching the video department head now running a hot dog stand.

But the building is safe for now. It can always be a practice facility for Mudlark Basketball. God knows, when Mimi is trying to negotiate through her 5-game schedule, an extra gym comes in handy when Luhm is waxing the other gym. All because Butthead had a vision.

If ya eat hog chitlins with a toothbrush cuz yore silver-wear is in the creek getting soaked to rinse off the bar-b-q stains that got melded on the cutlery when ya stuck iti in the microwave, ya might be a redneck.

So for the moment Dr. Pearl Who Moonlights As A Library Public Relations Official Trained To Handle Morons Like Burrito Butthead is still gainfully employed and will not be shipped off to the Gulag Archipelago to work in a slave camp that Solzhenitsyn once plied his labor. Now if I can only figure out how those freak hands can handle the implement that is in his appendage, loosely speaking. Now again, I strongly suggested toothbrush but maybe he’s Sweeney Todd with his arms wrung inside out and attacks his victims with Boy Scout knives, mainly because those wrongly-ratched upper limbs can only tolerate that kind of load. Or maybe Todd does attack with toothbrushes. His contorted attachments can handle that anyway. That’s right, Todd, slash your victims with Oral B.

The one thing that I just CRINGE at is whenever anybody says “signage”. Burrito Butthead, the plural of “sign” is SIGNS. Any of you aspiring to write, please read William Zinsser. He has been my reference on writing for over thirty years. He basically tells you to keep your sentences clear and compact. Your reader is a fidgety sort and if he has to trudge through a ton of verbiage, he’ll put your work down and go mow the lawn. That includes SIGNS which is clearer and conveys your idea better. Promise you, Zinsser would have a cow if he read P2. Of course, with this murky plot, Zinsser’s puking up the whole herd.

“So what do you want me to tell him, God?”

“Tell him I want him to shut up and get a job cleaning the mess in the horse stables.”

“Wow, God, isn’t that a little harsh on Gil?”

And Gil is practically raping Mimi, apparently trying to make up for lost time when he was single and he had to rub on the tackling dummy for any satisfaction. Thank God Mimi arrived at the right time or Gil might have committed a Pee Wee Herman in the men’s room at The Bucket.

And what is Mimi going to tell Jocelynn tomorrow? When you get raped by Pee Wee Herman, relax and enjoy it? We’re still adjusting our eyes to a Library Board Member who’s moving his family to the Mile High City and the man to potentially take his place wants to raze Paradise and put in a parking lot when NOW we’re scratching our heads curious (well, not really, but we’re getting our arms twisted) to know what this heart-to-heart stand-off is going to be all about. Jocelynn, don’t ride in race cars with boys who let his friends do the shifting. If you do, it’s a 1-game suspension. And if he pops a wheelie, I’m upping the ante to a 3-game suspension and no TV. Man, all this talk about if you see me coming, Jocelynn, better step aside/a lotta ‘Larks did and a lotta ‘Larks died. What a way to top off a romantic evening. A Day of Wine and Roses.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Judge Ito Orders Removal Of Deputy Sheriffs In O.J. Trial!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We can save the taxpayers a significant amount of money. Plaintiffs and the defense were taking turns buying lunch.”

“Oh, Vic, I really dig your body. I just get horny every time I see your van going down the street. I can’t wait to go to the prom with you and immerse myself in your pelvic thrusts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Mother, have you been weaving your magic on Tessi again?”

“Why, Samantha, what on earth gave you that preposterous notion?Just because Derwood is out of town and I’m in dire need of practice.”

Doesn’t Gil look like John Prine as a teenager? With a Gumby body? I can hear the song now

Take it back take it back

God knows I can’t coach that

All my friends are all champs or got rings

Should go start leading

Strong stances I’m still needing

Sweet revenge, sweet revenge

Has prevailed over me

Without fail

Well, Gil, not as gravelly as Prine but don’t sound like Gumby either.

“And we’ll be back to see if Gil was actually listening to Mimi say she was going to give Jocelynn Brown 39 lashes with a bull whip in her office for team insubordination or he just wants to trash Mimi there on the cheap coach they bought at a rummage sale after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

At the Shaw domicile late one night

“DADGUMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. THAT ORDER SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE TWO HOURS AGO!!!!!!!!!

Pause

I DON’T CARE IF THE SEMI BROKE AN AXLE, THAT’S NOT MY PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M LIMPER THAN STRAWBERRIES IN JANUARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Honeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, I’m hornyyyyyyyyyyy. It’s time to come to bedddyyyyyyy-byyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!”

“AND ANOTHER THING, MR. MANAGER!!!!!!!!!!! IF I DON’T GET MY SHIPMENT WITHIN THE WINDOW, I’M GOING TO SMALL CLAIMS COURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL GET MY MONEY BACK IF THAT SHIPMENT OF HARD-A-TONIC IS NOT HERE PRONTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Honey, it’s 2:30AM. And the neighbors are sleeping.”

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU HAVE PROBLEMS WITH THE WIRING SERVICE WITH WESTERN UNION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF THE DOW JONES AVERAGE WENT DOWN AND AFFECTED YOUR SHIPPING DEPARTMENT, THEN CALL MERRILL LYNCH!!!!!!!! AND CHANGE BANKS IF YOU CAN’T GET YOUR GENERAL FINANCIAL DUCKS IN A ROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Oh, hi, Mrs. Shaw. I just got off the phone. The Hard-a-Tonic man ought to be at my doorstep ringing my doorbell anytime.”

“Darling, that’s what EREC-3500 is for. They are clinically-tested and they deliver at a decent hour. The UPS man is there within 2 days after you order.”

“No way, Mrs. Shaw. That wimpy stuff couldn’t hold my jock, literally, compared to this Hard-a-Tonic I ordered through Milford Sex Emporium catalog. Just rub it on your whim-whim and you’ll be a pillar of masculinity.”

“Except I read an article where they tested Hard-a-Tonic on mice and they may have had the time of their lives but they died later that evening from a stroke.”

“Woman, I assure you that I have gone to the doctor for my check-up and I have a clean bill of health. The doc told me that I still had some brushing up to do with my torn and frayed instrument in my crotch but that’s what Hard-a-Tonic is all about. The doc told me his 99-year-old patient was reviving his sex life with his girlfriend. The wheelchair can’t restrain Hard-a-Tonic, evidently.”

“Yes, but the Saturday Evening Post medical section denounced the product as a sham. It said Hard-a-Tonic caused a loss of appetite.”

“Mrs. Shaw, if I don’t order online a Bucket Triple Cheeseburger Bacon Razzle Dazzle after we have gotten it on ’til the cock crows twice, I will personally take the whole crate of Hard-a-Tonic and throw it in Milford Recycling for cash on the dollar.”

“And Mimi told me Gil took it and now he’s singing soprano in his office. In fact, Jeff Lynne called to have Gil do all the falsetto accompaniments on ELO reissues. His kids have disowned him because nobody wants to be told ‘You’re grounded’ by Tiny Tim.”

“She had me there. I love ELO but no way was I going to sing ‘Do ya, Do ya Want My Love’ screeching my lungs out. What would my huntin’ buddies think? And the shipment came with broken bottles. I didn’t like cleaning the mess on the doorstep and if they didn’t care enough about my personsal property, what makes me think they would care about my other personal property? Get great treatment programs delivered fast and professional, only at Milford Men’s Clinic so you deliver fast and professional to your wife.”

Gang, that is NOT Alex Brito singing “Johnny Toothbrush” on Captain Kangaroo. How many times do I have to keep reminding you? But God bless you anyway.

At a Milford Basketball game one night

“Who the Hell said you were my assistant? Kaz, did you invite Darrin Stephens on the staff?”

Over in the stands

“Mother, have you done something to Darrin again???”

“Oh heavens, no. Coach Thorp is incompetent without Derwood’s assistance. Maybe Dr. Bombay is in the building.”

At the Milford Nudist Colony

“And if we can get them doing calisthenics, we can save a bundle on tennis court maintenance.”

“Geez, he’s let the title of Financial Director go to his head. He hasn’t been the same since he’s been hangin’ with that lady with the Sun Maid Raisins boobs. Goes by Endora.”

April 7, 2021

Two Nights – and One Mouth – Running

In the days before the Internet when dinosaurs roamed the earth and yhs was a teenager, part of my weekday routine during sportsball season involved walking uptown from the high school to the public library after classes ended, studying and doing my homework there, then walking back to the high school for late afternoon/early evening sportsball practice. After practice I either hitched a ride home with an older teammate who had his license and lived near me or called my folks from a pay phone at the convenience store nearest the high school and waited there for them to come pick me up. (Oftentimes dinner on those nights would consist of a Stewart hot sandwich and a Coke with salted peanuts in it. Training table of champions.) Same thing applied on game days/nights, though my folks almost always came to games even when I wasn’t a starter or guaranteed to see any playing time.

Guess what I’m trying to say is that the public library’s busiest hours don’t always come in the evenings. Not that it matters to old culo rojo Abel here. Nope, if that place ain’t hummin’ when he’s there, it ain’t hummin’. Speaking of which, why isn’t he there during normal business hours if he needs online access for work? Pulling on his widow’s peak to make it peakier? Oh wait, the pandemic hasn’t hit the Thorpiverse and neither has the concept of working remotely (though that’s what Abel’s doing at night, isn’t he?).

I’m sure that router will be delayed by another day – long enough for Sr. Brito to go back to the library and find out from Dr. Pearl-with-a-dye-job that there’s an opening on the Milford Library Board which he can fill. (Damned if this comic strip isn’t filled with boards and board meetings! You’d think Milford’s adults would find other ways to make life difficult for their children pass their time.) He’ll be slashing budgets and locking doors in no time flat.

Not sure what Sra. Brito is reading but it could be one of many books titled Blue Moon or this. Wonder if she got it at the library.

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