This Week in Milford

May 11, 2021

Even The Uniforms Aren’t Uniform.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 10:34 am

We are going this way and that and no better way to sum up the direction of this storyline et al than to refer to the yucky green and random color scheme on the Mudlark Outfielder the other day, unless Crockett allows its players to be on the field to admire their own tape jobs. Now we are back to loud red and smudgy black and that MTV logo on the back. And today Tilden stole those Lucky Charms-imbued threads just to keep the plot from falling off the cliff. I guess, Thorpiverse was afraid we were going to nod off to sleep. Any way to retain our attention, I reckon.

And like with trees, does anybody know how to draw cleats? Those are the same sneakers Medfield wore in the basketball games against Might Rutledge in the Flubber movies. Sha Na Na wore them as part of their act when they were at Woodstock. BTW, anybody who ever wondered how a ’50’s teeny-bop group wound up in front of a multitude of hippies in upstate New York on Max Yasgur’s farm, well, they had people like John Lennon to thank, who really loved their act. Many rockers from the ’60’s were nostalgic and wanted to keep the ’50’s sound going. Ten Years After, started by the venerable Alvin Lee, was called that because they formed in ’66, ten years after Elvis hit the Big Time. I think you can take it from there.

Anyway, Sha Na Na gets up on stage and the first thing someone from the group says as they are about to perform is “F— you, hippies, ’50’s Rock is here to stay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” And that’s pretty much what T-verse is telling us TWIM readers “F— you, TWIM, these ununiform uniforms are going to last until Christmas or forever, whichever comes first!!!!!!!!!!” As long as the players wear cleats, I don’t care if they show up in Bozo outfits. Well, let me rephrase that.

May 10, 2021

The Zane Clark Show With Special Guest Bobby Bittman

Filed under: actual action, baseball, Gil Thorp, Tilden — nedryerson @ 6:40 am

This strip might be the most whiplash inducing actual action strip ever. We start with two panels from last weeks game at Crockett (with no final score or hint of a win or loss) and the final panel is from three games later against Tilden. Clearly, the center of attention for this four game stretch is Zane Clark with his ups and downs. The other pitchers in the starting rotation and the outcomes of games take a back seat to the Zane Clark story.

Does Gil coach first base? Is that him in panel 3, high fiving awkwardly? Why does he have a jersey with an M on the back and not a number. I can’t remember if coaches jerseys have had numbers in Gil Thorp or in high school ball in general. I just think the M looks weird, whether it’s Gil or somebody else. Whoever he is, he’s pretty small compared to Eldrick Boston.

Since this strip covers four games, I’m sure we’ll have plenty of time to hang around at the Milford Public Library and the Milford Library Board meetings.

Say, speaking of libraries, here’s a word from one of our old TWIM favorites, Bobby Bittman, on the value of libraries, or libarries if you will:

May 8, 2021

Color Me Inconsistent

Yesterday and Thursday it was Zane changing outfits from one panel to the next (not to mention Katy’s eyes changing from blue to brown). Before that, it was Mama Brito’s constantly color-changing hair. Today it’s the always-red Mudlarks in black and chartreuse. There’s a lack of institutional control in the Thorpiverse and it’s throwing everyone for a loop. Hell, even Marty’s so pissed that his notebook is bleeding out onto his shirt and he’s karate chopping his pencil. Then again, his sippy cup’s nowhere to be seen so he might just be having a case of the DTs.

The Mudlarks have apparently traveled to Austin, Texas, to face Crockett. (There are no doubt other Crockett Highs; as this one hasn’t been identified by nickname yet, I reserve the right to come back and edit this post.) After his shaky bullpen outing, Zane Clark has somehow earned a right to a start, and he almost immediately goes all Robin Roberts Max Scherzer and gives up a gopher ball. He’s not throwing strikeouts like Mad Max, unfortunately.

Gil and Kaz laugh this off Bull Durham style. Surprised Kaz didn’t make a crack about the ball having a stewardess.

They must figure if Zane digs a hole early, he can’t blow a lead.

Seriously, though. There has got to be someplace that still runs this strip in black and white, doesn’t there?

May 7, 2021

High 10

Filed under: freak hands, High Five Fail, Miserable characters — robmize2013 @ 8:35 pm

As if we didnt both know this was coming and have to hear it twice since Katy said it yesterday, Mr. Brito is running for that opening on the library board. I have no idea why they need an election for this, but methinks its a lot like the other offices we vote for in March, like mosquito abatement commisioner, and a lot of times they are running uncontested. I know local politics is where its at for most people, and they always say the most important elections are for things like this, that if you want things done in your municipality the way you want them done, then get involved in your local government,…. but… jesus. The last thing we need is for this guy to win this position, and to spread his poisonous attitude even further, not only making our lives more miserable by his being in it, but the rest of the library board, who have no idea that their future boardmate is the equivalent of having a wad of gum stuck to the bottom of each and every one of their shoes, and having no way of removing it, and the gum multiplying every day, until they literally are consumed like quicksand and sink into that black hole that we know too well that is filled with all those miserable characters of Milford past…

Excuse me while I stick my head in a microwave and turn it on high.

May 6, 2021

Will Somebody Play This Game Around Here?

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:02 pm

I mean, the ’62 Mets were awful but they PLAYED. No sooner than Katy Brito catching what was possibly served at the dinner table a few days ago on Mrs. Brito’s watch and Landry Carlson doing a Tom Terrific on us than we head back to the gossip corner with Elviney and Loweezey. Shoot, there were more trees than fans at the “game” I saw. Oh, sure, we have people intermingling with Mudlark players today but somebody from the art department who is skilled in drawing peons who were standing in line at the Milford Unemployment Agency could have slipped a 20 in each of their pockets to pose for a few minutes until the water colors dried off. Thanks, you’re a lifesaver. I hope you get that job at Burger King. I understand they upped the pay on burger line cooks to a dollar. Now just look like your congratulating her on hitting for the cycle. You don’t have to smile.

And was Zane really using Becca as a decoy until Butthead left to go apply for the job at The White House? Not that this is the first time Chef Boy-ar-Dee Hair has been a catalyst in the true sense of the word, i. e., a filler until the mud-slinging and sniveling tripe kick in. Does she sleep in Mimi’s office until practice/games? It would seem to me you need somewhere to lay your head until you have to wake up and grease the wheels. And Mimi has a fridge in case Becca wants to store anything cold.

And what could POSSIBLY been the topic of discussion? The ’62 Mets? Boy, conversations about Casey Stengal legging out his managerial career will get you a date, hands down. I’m confident they were engaged in a spirited discussion about whether Marv Throneberry would have made the Mudlark Baseball roster. Oh no, Becca, I’m not talking like this until Mr. Butthead leaves and drives down the cliff with the rest of the lemmings. I really want to know if Throneberry could hit Valley Conference pitching.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. In Shock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ‘I Saw Elvis Last Night While I Was Walking My Dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'”

sub headline

“He and Colonel Tom Parker were in that piggyback tree talking about a possible return concert in Hawaii.”

No, really how do we know that so-called teenage popping his head between Zane and Becca “The Gossipmonger Facilitator” Ramirez isn’t really a laid-off lathe operater at Milford Lumber Yards and he needed the easy money to pay the light bill at his duplex? Just talk about the Cubs and nobody will notice. Be careful talking about Lou Boudreau’s illustrious broadcasting career. You might blow your cover (Robmize is going to kill me, Robmize is going to kill me…) .

Or that gentleman to the left could have in actuality been a crane operator at Milford Scrap Iron, Inc. and there was no more GM cars to smash and the rebar pile had dried up and he has to enroll in retraining classes at the employment agency to learn a trade as a plumber in conjunction with Milford Pipefitters #37. Good thing his pants are pulled up or people might start getting suspicious. Bend over to pick up your Coke cup you dropped on the ground and Plumber’s Butt will arouse doubts whether you’re a true fan who’s taking his daughter home after a hard-fought victory or you’re just keeping your britches up just to appease the artist drawing these characters. Oh, there’s plenty of those so far, with or without Plumber’s Butt.

And will somebody tell the artist, while I’m on a roll, that maples do not ride shotgun on other maples (or whatever those trees are in P1) ? I have hiked parts of the Appalachian Trail (Harper’s Ferry hike is to die for) , The Knobstone Trail, longest trail in Indiana, River-to-River Trail in Illinois, Ozark Trail in Missouri, Santa Fe Trail in Oklahoma, Long Trail in Vermont, and millions of other trails in National and State Forests and I have yet to see an oak hunching a hackberry, a catalpa standing on the shoulders of walnuts or dogwoods growing out of Gil’s hair. You will NEVER see a ginkgo having to have the hose turned on it in relation to a loblolly pine as you would observe between two dogs. But I will consult that horticultural guide I checked out from the Milford Public Library just to be on the safe side.

If ya gotta use the garden hose on yore apple tree cuz it got stuck with peach tree and ya don’t wanna get accused of inbreeding as rampant as yore lineage, ya might be a redneck.

And we as the TWIM faithful were seeing light at the end of the table when Zane was broaching a sports-related subject but noooooooooo, we’re lowering ourselves to Last Picture Show status and all the trashy behavior thereof when Katy gives us a heads-up by the change of subject and you KNOW her subject really won’t be sports-related if we were left guessing because P3 got chewed up by the dog. I don’t think, if I was left at the edge of the cliff in P2, that Katy would be about to bitch that Coach Mimi was relegating her to long relief. That she was platooning with Becca because Becca brings more pop to the bat and to the gossip, whatever the situation calls for. Sometimes the hit-and-run at the gossip fence won’t produce the big inning. Yeah, don’t count on this continuing where Gil tells Mimi to bench Katy because he doesn’t care for Pat Benatar and doesn’t want to be reminded of “Hell is for Children” when Katy/Pat is in the on-deck circle.

No, we’re going down another General Hospital path and what adds insult to injury is the pajamas both Zane and Katy are wearing P2. If you have kids, these are threads they are wearing when you’re reading “Little Red Riding Hood” or “The Little Train That Could” at bedtime. These were the kids that were grown up now from The Cat in the Hat narratives. They should have left their PJ’s in the stories, if not at home.

Wherefore is your attire

Tho I admit I admire

To play the game you so desire

Rather than nocturnal fare so dire

Mr. Cat in the Hat, Esquire

This is our desired attire

And you should be fired

And gracefully retire

And stick to green eggs and ham.

Come check out Iroquois Gardens Apartments. I have been here two years now and have found them comfortable and affordable. It is a perfect atmosphere for writing this blog as I have easy access to many different restaurants and stores, plus there’s a park across the street from me. The showers run super, a lot of closet space, comfortable bedroom, plus the kitchen is out of this world. Because I cook a lot, I make great use of the microwave and stove and the refrigerator stores all my favorite frozen items and refrigerated foods. It gives me piece of mind knowing I can concentrate on the blog and not worry about annoying problems. If there are problems, particularly maintenance, they get addressed immediately. Take New Cut Road (Taylor Boulevard) south of I-264 in Louisville until you reach the stoplight at Park Road. You can’t miss them.

Support Small Business, Gang. You need to go where everybody knows your name.

I just love the size proportion in P2. Zane looks like he’s talking to some girl in Milford T-Ball League. We got it all today, Shawshank fences, trees with offspring (Credit to Mopman who came up with Comment of the Day-touche) , munchkins that play high school softball, girls who shovel the doo doo without getting the crud on their cleats, and non-existent coaches. But munchkins haven’t been around for 60 years. Nor crap-encrusted cleats.

I’m almost half-expecting Katy’s munchkin cohorts to exhort Zane to follow the Yellow Brick Road. That might as well be the answer as there really is no workable solution for Mr. Butthead running for Library Czar and purging the facilty of all the quilting magazines. I’d be dancing to see The Wizard with the Cowardly Lion and The Scarecrow too if I really didn’t know how to prevent the Library National Guard from throwing all the O. Henry’s in the incinerator.

Oooooooooookkkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back to make sure we stay between the lines if everybody else in P1 and beyond is fixing to step outside them and not just because the game ended as we have trangressed those boundaries even with the gane in progress. Not with Gene to crack the whip. Start crackin’, Gene

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Butthead Brito was running for office on the Library Board because the library needed a ___________________________.”

To NO ONE’S surprise, Butthead is indeed going to run for a position on the Library Board. Why we had to interrupt the flow of sports for something we were seeing two miles down the road is a Rubik’s Cube I’m not EVEN going to put back together like Humpty Dumpty and as long as we’re going to ONCE AGAIN put sports back in the fridge next to that Waldorf salad that hasn’t been touched since Christmas and the meat loaf that’s raggedly wrapped and accumulating moisture as a result of the malfunctioning tap, can we at least make this sleazier than Butthead doesn’t like empty library space so he’s going to be Library Czar and order National Unused Reading Room Extermination Day? Are there any back issues of National Geographic still hiding behind Reader’s Digest, get ’em up against The Wall. And that Atlantic Monthly of Henry Winkler on the cover, that don’t look right to me, get it up against The Wall. And that Guideposts got mold and Pschylogy Today is for baboons, who let all this riff raff into the rooms, there’s a James Patterson out of print and a Clive Cussler with spots, if I had my wayyyyyyyy, I’d have library materials shot. Maeve Binchy’s are just another Brick in The Wall.

Pink Floyd aside, why can’t we REALLY ratchet up the sleaze and bring a Last Picture Show atmosphere to this farce. After all, the football coach in the movie, Coach Popper, was about as available as Gil has been for 60 years. What made it funnier was one of the deadbeats in the movie is having sex with Coach Popper’s wife. I mean, as long as sports is the Queen of England around here, why not have Zane dump Katy and get it on with Coach Mimi? Shoot, you see Gil anywhere?

And we don’t have to limit this to a one-pony show. When Butthead Czar goes to the Board Meeting to vote to eliminate the Salvodor Dali paintings because he could draw time pieces better than those bent specimens, Zane can do a quickie with Mrs. Brito. Heck, it would make up for all that organic cottage cheese she served at dinner last week and the mud-slinging and mud-induced scenery would be a vast improvement. Let’s quit crucifying sports and bringing in Leave it to Beaver when Falcon Crest just about sums up this tomfoolery anyway. Just saying.

“You think you’ll be in trouble? What if we get caught?”

“I think we’ll be fine, Coach Mimi.”

“I’m Coach Popper’s wife.”

“And we’ll be back to see if Coach Popper runs off with Mimi in a shotgun wedding after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“I hope my wife comes back to me. Naturally, I know it’s all acting. Movies are like pro wrestling, it’s all fake. I’m confident Jerry Lawler eats at the same table at The Bucket with The Moon Dogs as much I will not be sleeping alone tonight. I left the door unlocked anyway.

But I’m not here to talk about my personal affairs when Milford Beverage Warehouse is in another great promotional campaign guaranteed to raise the roof without raising the prices. Hi, this is Coach Thorp and aren’t you glad to hear that rare bit of good news.

Milford Beverage Warehouse and Milford Critter Concepts have teamed up to have you enjoy The Good Life without a giraffe munching on your petunias in your garden. And we’ll start you off right by offering you 25% off the bill when The Critter Man comes out and has to do more than spray Raid on your sugar maples. That’s right, with your purchase of Canadian Mist at a ridiculous $19.99 in the 1.75 bottle, Milford Critter Concepts will implement measures guaranteed to prevent further invasions of prairie dogs who chow down on your watermelon patch. Hey, and at a discount. Get piece of mind knowing the alarm system is scaring the prairie dogs off your property and in your neighbor’s yard. While sipping some Mist in the twilight of the evening on your chaise lounge on your patio deck. I can hear Brubeck crooning ‘Life’s so free and easy’ now.

But then I’ve heard reports of hippos scaring their pets and ransacking everything in their backyard and garage. Lot of huge browns spots in the grass, fer sure. Hey, don’t jump in with your elephant gun. Especially when Milford Critter Concepts is willing to knock 15% off the bill if you’ll purchase Old Forester Whiskey at an easily affordable $27.99 from The Warehouse. C’mon, Folks, let The Critter Man send that hippo back to Africa without you taking matters in your own hands. All you have to do is buy the bottle and let a man do what he’s got to do. They’ll find a home somewhere on the Congo River, you’re just going to have to take my word for it.

And there were reports in my neighborhood that ring-tailed lemurs were searching purses in people’s cars when they were inside watching Dallas. Man, I thought they all lived in Madagascar. Shows you my knowlodge of zoology. Thank God, Milford Beverage comes to the rescue to bail you out when that critter is swimming back to Madagascar with your wife’s lipstick case. For a purchase of Miller High Life in the 30-Pak, 12-Oz. cans, Milford Critter Concepts will knock off 23% of your bill. And even better, The Warehouse will cut 2$ if you make your purchase by the end of the month. Man, protecting your cigar box on the dashboard from monkeys that look like raccoons and having until the Indianapolis 500 to get TWO DISCOUNTS???? Makes me hope they go through my wife’s lingerie.

Hey, there’s more where that came from. Come in and get your booze and get those hippos out of Dodge, only at Milford Beverage Warehouse, and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

Gang, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. My dad called with a last-minute trip and I wasn’t able to use my phone. Then when I returned, I was wiped out. I can only make it up to you by finishing the blog. The Show went on. That’s what I think you want and expect. And you’d be right. God bless you, Gang.

Heard at Milford Lounge

“No, really, I saw Elvis in that piggyback maple. I thought I had been drinking but knew he liked fried bologna sandwiches and The Bucket delivery sent him a bag.”

Coach Mimi at softball practice

“I need you to expand your role, Becca. The team needs you down the stretch.”

“But I’m already gossip facilitator.”

“But we need a third-string catcher now.”

May 5, 2021

Highlanders: There Can Be Only None

Filed under: actual action, big arms, Brown Hair, Highlight reel, Neal's friends, softball — teenchy @ 7:48 am

That rarest of strips today, nothing but solid sports action, but here’s a twist: Milford’s opponent represents a school that no longer exists.

Finney High School in Detroit closed in 2009 and was merged with Crockett High School to create the East English Village Preparatory Academy. EEVPA calls its teams the Bulldogs, but at least the colorists got close here. Finney’s namesake was a prominent Detroiter who played a significant role in the Underground Railroad. So consider this a nostalgic shout-out for Rubin’s readers in the Detroit Free Press.

With bags full of Highlanders and the potential tying run at the plate, Landry Carlson gets out of the jam thanks to a diving stop by Katy Brito. Postgame, Landry will go back to, uh, Montana? and Katy will be off to The Bucket the Milford Public Library for coffee and snogs with Zane, that is if daddy dearest hasn’t immediately joined the Library Board and padlocked the place.

May 4, 2021

We Can’t Go For This, No Can Do.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 11:30 am

Easy, stupid, wimpy, all the time

Where does this stop

Where do you dare us to draw the line

You got us crying

Now you’ve warped the show

Don’t even do a sequel

Say, no go

Yeah, we’ll stomach anything

That this plot can do

Yeah, almost anything

That this crap can do

But we can’t go for this


No can do

We can’t go for this


No can do

We can’t go for Gil

No can do

Can’t go for Gil

Can’t go for Gil


Gil, you walked into this one. You made it effortless for Hall & Oates to jump on the scene and burst this already-flaming zeppelin. I merely had to write the lyrics and that was a piece of cake. Geez, getting a paycheck never got easier. Keep that Mack-truck-wide avenue open, Coach. My sense of humor never got sharper than today’s easy pickin’s. And that’s before I write about your hand that evidently got caught in Luhm’s weed eater. Be a little more discreet when doing signals with the batter. You can flash the bunt sign without without getting crucified by the weed hacker or a farmer’s scythe.

Dean Smith was the longtime successful coach for North Carolina Tar Heels Men’s Basketball. He was so well thought-of by his players that once during a losing streak, the fans were burning Coach Smith in effigy. When the team bus pulled up in front of the fans after returning from a road trip, Billy “Kangaroo Kid” Cunningham, one of his players and later a coach for the ’83 NBA Champion Philadelphia 76ers, marched out of the bus and promptly tore the effigy down. The fans got the message.

Coach Smith was demanding but fair. His practices were strenuous but definitely accomplished something. Players kept seeing the point and kept coming back. Opting out was not in the Tar Heel vocabulary. He was successful for many reasons, one of them was that he refused to let players room with the same guy for more than one semester or cliques were going to form. Yup, Michael Jordan roomed with the 3rd-string center one semester, James Worthy the next semester, the 2nd-string point guard another semester, Sam Perkins another semester, etc.

But another reason was that he understood player burnout. Enthusiasm for basketball in December at fever pitch thinned out to dreading to brave the cold to get to the gym in February and nobody was more aware of that than Coach Smith. So there were times he would have guys at the gym and would simply tell the players “No practice”. Players who had core classes to think about really appreciated the gesture plus it gave injured players a chance to heal. Schools like North Carolina State or Wake Forest or next random ACC opponent was dead meat, since rested-up players were fired-up players and those Tar Heels played with a vengeance.

So when I saw Coach Thorp and his Amazing Technicolor Claw telling the guys “No practice”, I appreciate the gesture but we’ve only see one game from him which is really not exactly a tax on the players’ well-being. Oh, but let’s play along with the Iron Claw and assume that the players have been chewing on the infield dirt so the point of getting the tailgate down when fielding ground balls gets driven home or that runners have been crawling base to base to teach the players that 1) You have to crawl before you run, especially when reaching home plate-hey, The Babe was on all 4’s like Mr. Ed in practice when doing his home run trot especially the Called Shot in the ’32 Series 2) Slide or the umpire will call you out to learn to follow the rules and you don’t get sensory-deprived for not listening to Coach Claw. And swinging with wiffle ball bats will get them knuckles harder and enhance the grip on the aluminum bats when you FINALLY use them. Hey, you make it harder in practice than in the game.

Sure, Coach Claw, give them a break. You don’t want anybody losing their kneecaps from all that crawling.

“Gentlemen, My hand suddenly changed into a lobster claw so we’re going to cut practice short so I can get to Milford Minor Emergency Clinic before it closes.”

This was interesting. There was an article about oft-mispronounced words such as “cache”. It is not like “ca-SHAY” but simply “cash”. With that in mind

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. In A Heated Argument With Reporter As He’s Discussing Latest Community Service Sentencing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I keep telling people it’s Orthenial James, not Orange Juice like the stuff you drink out of the Minute Maid can.”

And the players look conventional with the possible exception of Shrek’s son to your right. As long as we’re going color scheme here, who forgot to paint the dude green? And where did he come from anyway? Coach Claw or Thorpiverse in general is trying to pencil this one in, hoping nobody notices. Keep his profile discreet and Shrek will mingle in with the rest of the Yankees. Okay, they’re wearing red so we’ll compromise and call them Crimson Mudlarks in Pinstripes. Satisfied? So he’s Shrek’s second cousin twice-removed who once played for the Yankees and Cubs and once hit one to Waveland Avenue who got released and still misses the game so he forged his birth certificate and physical and now is proudly wearing Mudlark Tradition. I think we’re square.

Come to Mike Smith Firestone in New Albany, Indiana. He has great tires at great prices and friendly service to boot. I know, because my tires were down to nubs until I swung in and got a great deal and I was off and running in 20 minutes. The staff told me that they were super-busy with work. I can see why. When you treat people the right way, you’re gonna be busy. Sounds like a good business to me. Take the New Albany exit off of I-64, look for Market Street, the second street north of the river and it’s downtown at State and Market.

Support Small Business, Gang. You need to go where everybody knows your name.

We’re really trying to be twice as nice

We just can’t go for plots repeating the same old lines

Use this to death

Now you’ve squelched the show

Oh, Gil, forget about it

Now say, No Go

Yeah, we’ll stomach anything

That this plot can do

Yeah, almost anything

That this plot can spew

But we can’t go for this


No can do

We can’t go for this


No can do

We can’t go for Gil


Can’t go for Gil

Can’t go for etc.

Gotta hand it to Thorpiverse for its boldness in these Easter Island mugs that have been Exhibit A lately. Either T-verse is trying to educe proper effect or Gil and Kaz need a tender moment alone as they evidently can’t wait until they kiss their mates when they step through the front door later this evening. Well, at least they’re waiting. until the players leave before they start smooching. We don’t want the baseball teams to get any suspicious ideas in their heads. Sam the Lion in The Last Picture Show called it trashy behavior. Maybe Sam the Lion needs to supervise this one before Mimi finds out that Gil and Kaz were involved in double the trashy behavior.

And I remember at the beginning of the movie when the deadbeats (played by Timothy Bottoms and Jeff Bridges) walk in the diner and sit down and chow down when one of the townies sharply points out to the tune of “Y’all play football like you eat, you might win a few games”. Kinda sorta my feelings here. If they’d play baseball or softball like Butthead Brito complains or Peppermint Patty bitches or Zane throws through the used Toyo tire or Dr. Pearl shows up for more than suspending a guy for buttering his bread or Zane and Katy kiss or Gil and Kaz kiss, they might have a few more wins under their belts, not to mention less wasted panels on Butthead choking on his organic cottage cheese exclaiming that people on welfare are the only ones to populate the library.

Sam the Lion at The Bucket

“Y’all play football like ya eat them Bucket Burgers, shit, we might win a game or two in the Valley Conference.”

“Sam the Lion, my mom got arrested for blowing up The Diner and I’m hungry.”

“Sorry, Corina, I need to change my prescription.”

And before they left did Gil ask

“What’s the magic word?”


Or better, is this like in Heartbreak Ridge where Sergeant Highway orders his men to fall out on the street and one of the charges, Jones, leads a mini revolt against Highway because he thinks Swede, a hunk of a Marine that ever braced the ranks, can whup Highway’s butt. Well

“Private Zane, you and the whole team are to sit together this time and not be splintered like the football team was at the volleyball matches.”

“Oh, I don’t think so, Coach. SWEDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Swede, Swede, SWede, SWede, SWEDe, SWEDe, SWEDE, SWEDE, SWEDE, SWEDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Swede, say something charming to Coach Thorp.”

“I’m going to rip your head off and scoop your guts out with a butter knife.”

“So you see, Coach Thorp, this plot has run its course. Hit the road, Jack, AND DONCHA COME BACK NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE”


Swede is knocked out cold from Gil’s aroma of Chulapas he had for lunch at Taco Bell

“Now you ladies sit in the stands together as a team while you’re watching the other ladies play or I still have some left in the tank from that 3-bean salad I had right before practice.”

Well, I think you see the result in P2. Nothing like cohering as a team in identical trapezoidal sneakers. I couldn’t think of a better way to bond. Bad odors make players do the strangest things.

“I ain’t gonna tolerate any more of this trashy behavior.”

“Sam the Lion, we’re playing Monopoly.”

“I thought I was at the Thorp household but wasn’t sure.”

Thank you, Thorpiverse, for not keeping us guessing. The opponent is Finney, the nickname is the Highlanders so that nobody gets ideas that the F on the helmet stands for The Fightin’ Flunkees, and the school colors are black and Mountain Dew green. They must have made the decision about these colors while they were standing around a pop machine.

And Milford is in a heap of trouble if the situation is correct, although we don’t know how many are out. But say there’s nobody out, the one lesson I learned from a jam like this (as Coach Stuard used to teach me) was Get An Out. As Don Sutton used to say, trade bases for outs, trade runs for outs. True, the Highlanders might scratch across a few runs but if you got 3 outs in the exchange, you’ve minimized the damage.

“I want an out, Katy.”

“But we’re playing Monopoly, remember? And you just landed on my Boardwalk and I have a hotel. You’re gonna need more than outs.”

And if Mimi is skillfully coaching, she can get the Flunkees, out by out and get the team in the dugout for their turn to bat. Corina Corrupt can learn to get out of a bases-loaded jam by taking it one out at a time, teaching her that when her mom is sent off to Sing Sing for terrorist activities involving Milford Elementary and The Diner, she can wait for parole on her mom one year at a time until 2037 when the parole hearing is due. Don’t try to negotiate this sentence with one swing. And risky double plays when the sure out was better is not going to expedite the sentence and get her mom released next week. Mother and Child Reunion will happen one run at a time but remember, play to win on the road, play to tie at home.

Come to Jeff Smith Marathon in Edwardsville, Indiana. My goodness, they were busy when I came in. I am always greeted with a friendly smile as are the other customers who come in for gas or repairs. And they were BUSY fixing cars and trucks. You should have seen all the vehicles waitingvto becfixed. And with great gas and great prices, why go anywhere else? And it’s easy to get to. Just take exit 118 off I-64 in Indiana and as soon as you get off the exit and get on Indiana 62 west, you will see the building immediately to your left. Come in to a place where everybody knows your name. They know mine.

Support Small Business and keep America working.

“And there’s been a pitching change. We’ll see if Corina Karenna can work her magic more than her mouth after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

At the Shaw residence at 1:00 A.M. in the backyard

“Honeyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, I’m hornyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Come out, come out, wherever you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Some rustling in the bushes by the back fence


“Damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I missed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Honey, what are you shooting at?”

“Woman, you are in a hunting zone. And I suggest you depart at your earliest convenience.”

“Why are you wearing camouflage? And why are you in a blind under the ground? And WHAT are you hunting?”

“There’s this Nicaraguan squirrel monkey that’s been eating the veggies out of our garden when he’s not eatin’ the chestnuts out of our tree. This ain’t Wal-Mart. He’s going to have to go to a fruit amd veggie stand if I don’t fill him with a chock full of lead.”

“Darling, not only should you call Milford Critter Concepts but I can always buy more seeds at Milford Garden & Variety. I can’t get more sex at a fruit stand.”

“I ain’t callin’ nobody that couldn’t trap Winnie the Pooh with a whiskey jug full of honey. The trick is to be smarter than the critter. I watch a lot of National Geographic. Shoot, Marlon Perkins on Wild Kingdom said you have to sit in the trees for days if you want to think like a squirrel monkey or any monkey or even The Monkees.”

“Then why are you in a blind below?”

“Damn, Woman, you ask the stupidest questions. Again, as Mr. Perkins said, you have to think like the monkey. So you have to use reverse psychology. The Nicaraguan squirrel monkey is looking up a tree and just when he can’t find anything BLAM, you got him between the eyes from below, DOA. Mr. Perkins and his team shot a hippo in Tanzania one summer with that methodology.”

“But Milford Critter Concepts was able to clear a bunch of raccoons that were getting populated behind Milford Elementary safely, without any guns. The kids were spared exposure to animals with rabies.”

“Mrs. Shaw, if that place gets its jollies off of feeding them peanut butter and jelly sandwiches so that the Jif gives them indigestion and they’re too sick to eat an oak twig, more power to ’em. I am a man and I will use manly methods to teach this Nicaraguan squirrel monkey a lesson he will never forget.”

“You might want to try those manly methods on me.”

“And waste all my buckshot on the woman I united with at the altar? I’d rather shoot a snow leopard with an elephant gun.”

“Then why don’t I put on some camouflage, give you a dose of EREC-3500, and we do it here in the blind?”

“I couldn’t argue with her there. Plus the Nicaraguan squirrel monkey got picked by Milford Dog Pound and had to spend a night in the cages with the collies before he got deported to the Managua Zoo. We had the time of our lives and camouflage never felt better. I might have her wearing tree branches more often. With treatment plans and programs that work, don’t you think you should hunt down your own sexual identity at Milford Men’s Clinic? There’s nothing to hide and everything to gain. Get your elephant gun in gear, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

You need to cut out this trashy behavior or I’m going to call Coach Claw. How do you expect to win the badminton tournament? But God bless you anyway, Gang.

May 3, 2021

Mrs. Brito Regrets

Filed under: Pissy faced minor character — nedryerson @ 5:02 am

It looks like Katy and Zane have finished their coffee and smooching in the library and have moved on to some light hand touching and studying. Who says the library doesn’t fulfill the needs of Milford’s citizenry?

Oh yeah, Abel Brito, that’s who. Abel is now contemplating a rise to power on the Library Board where he can address the wasteful spending and then move on to coffee and kissing related issues.

Mrs. Brito is contemplating how much more she’s going to hear her husband griping about the library. Abel can’t be talked out of this. It doesn’t look good for Mrs. Brito.

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