This Week in Milford

June 22, 2021

And We’ve Had Enough.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 10:49 am

Prune hands and ears that are floating in free suspension, more cupcakes, only Mimi picked up the tab this time, writing a check from the Milford High School Athletic Department Emergency Fund, boy, don’t you want to cry for more?

And Mimi is going to shoehorn Corinavirus into a college or eat herself sick from brownies trying, by gum. Mimi and the rest of us along the way are also finding out that if Momma Corinavirus was a VC terrorist, she has a heckuva way of showing it as we picked up on her the last time we saw her, as Billy astutely pointed out. Today her freak hands indicate a possible shell of what she was when she was bombing Saigin.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Corina Karenna Signs Letter Of Intent With Milford Business College!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“It’s an honor and a privilege to be a part of Fightin’ Typewriter Nation. Go Types!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

What is THAT on top of the refrigerator? Has Gazoo parked his contraption to go take a potty break? Definite candidate for Pantheon of Mysterious Objects. I’ll give a few cool points for the logo on the refrigerator door. I admire the artist for managing to fit Milford Refrigeration Manufacturers, Inc. all in the same scribble. It makes up for Momma Corinavirus when she was a terrorist with the rest of the Planet of the Apes. I understand she was the leading lady in Milford Out Of Playdowns On Ref’s Bad Call And The Riot Ensues On The Planet Of The Apes. And I’m going to assume SOMEBODY is holding that coffee mug. Maxwell House and loose ears wafting around the kitchen, it is certainly promoting proper atmosphere.

And judging by the hint that Momma Karenna is throwing at us, sure, she’d love for her daughter to attend college, especially if she can continue her softball career. Hey, my nephew could have played college baseball (wanted to enjoy college life, don’t blame him) so I can relate. I just think it’s comical that we were kept in the dark about Momma’s dubious raison d’etre which gave me a slightly negative impression and led me to believe this is why Corina is Miss Attitude but all I’m getting now is someone barely able to afford the rent who has has a hard time grasping a Ho Ho because she left her hand under a sun lamp too long. And I have an adjustable crescent wrench for that ear in my glove box if yiu need one.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“NCAA Looking Into Possible Recruiting Violations At Milford Business College!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We will cooperate fully with the NCAA. We are confident that lunches at The Bucket with recruits was within the bounds.”






THE POWER OF GIL COMPELS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’d just as soon go back to those Mt. Rushmore shots as long as Gil’s nostrils are cleaned out. And as readers have mentioned, you can somehow sneak in on a high school roster late in the season or just before the season gets underway, provided

June 21, 2021

Cupcake Monday

Filed under: Chunky Bracelets, Gil Thorp, Mimi Thorp, Prairie Style Windows — nedryerson @ 3:40 am

Gil ushers Mimi out to pursue her Get Corina Karenna To Go To College plan. I think that’s Gil’s arm making an ushering gesture. The arm has hair on it even though it doesn’t look like it should be attached to his shoulder there. Mimi is keeping the details of her plan to herself, just like she probably didn’t fill Gil in on what her class is. Gil will have to ask the students. They’ll tell him it the class is Hitting the Vape Pen While Looking at TikTok and that he’ll probably buy it.

Mimi’s secret plan is to talk to Ms. Karenna. I don’t think anybody has done that. I think you have to schedule that through Maureen at the diner. Mimi is going in armed with cupcakes. Cupcakes open doors, especially when you buy them from Saul Bass(?).

Corina’s mom invites Mimi in and makes them some tea to wash down those door opening cupcakes and they get down to business.

Since we’ve never seen Ms. Karenna before, we’ve only heard about her indirectly through Corina. Is Ms. Karenna as troubled as Corina has let on? I’m not even aware if Mimi has any awareness of Corina’s assessment. Ms. Karenna knows that Corina is worried about her, but does she know what Corina has said about her. Maybe Corina isn’t being straight or maybe she is and Mimi’s going to find out first hand about Ms. K’s troubles. Hold on to your cupcakes.

June 19, 2021

You Can Lead a Catcher to Water, But You Can’t Make Them Pass It

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, huge earrings, Mimi Thorp, Prairie Style Windows — teenchy @ 6:11 pm

Just like Corina herself, we’re getting Mimi’s crusade to get Corina into college shoved down our throats whether we like it or not. So let’s just lie back and think of England and slog our way through this subplot. With any luck, by the end of the month we’ll be rid of this extremely flawed Mary Sue of a character, never to be seen again until Rubin is stuck for ideas again four years from now.

Lots of detail in today’s strip so let’s break it down. Right away we should know Corina’s grades aren’t that bad; if they were the guidance counselor would’ve already warned Mimi about them. I don’t think this is the same guidance counselor that gave Alexa Watson the bad touch; maybe word got out about that? In any event, this guidance counselor has some teeny tiny hands in proportion to her face. That she’s left the door cracked open while talking about a student’s grades is a bit troubling.

The college prep exam that’s scored on a scale of 36 is the ACT. A Composite score of 28 puts the testee in the “highly selective” or “pretty damn good” category. Combined with a 3.7 GPA, realistically this could put Corina at the least in any number of decent state universities. Top those off with her overall jockitude and a killer essay about all she’s (allegedly) had to overcome and she should be a shoo-in.

Is Mimi gonna write that essay for Corina, or engage in some other kind of strong-arming? The way she’s flexing in front of Gil while filling her Jimi Hendrix coffee mug suggests it. Then again, she might just be showing Gil who really wears the pants in the Thorp household as she bullies him into covering a class for… wait, what? Since when has Mimi taught a class at Milford High? When was the last time we saw her in a classroom? And what’s Gil gonna do in her absence, make the kids run laps around the desks?

June 18, 2021

College is a hobby?

Filed under: Mimi Thorp, softball, Valley Modified — robmize2013 @ 8:02 pm

And the plot comes to a screeching halt as we go back to Mimi trying unsuccessfully to get Corinna to go to college. Now its – How are your grades? Mimi– dont ALL the players have to maintain a GPA above 2.0 to play extracirricular sports in the first place? Now — June 18- when everyone should be out of school and working on their suntans like I was last week in Myrtle Beach– your asking about grades?? If this isnt harassment I dont know what is. CC should plant that mitt right in Mimi’s face and walk off the field, never to be heard from again.

Way to advance the plot Rubin.

June 17, 2021

“Wanna Order Nick’s Pizza? I’m Buying.”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:02 pm

We were expecting a knock-down drag-out, mudslinging duel-to-the-death, only-Aaron-Burr-drew-more-blood dogfight but pussied out into a shaky gentlemen’s agreement. C’mon, as long as softball and baseball and, heck, even golf are locked in the equipment shed, I was expecting Battle of the Bulge but got you-scratch-my-back-I’ll-let-the-back-issues-of-Milford-Home-&-Garden-collect-dust. And if you kiss my butt, I’ll even let the O. Henry’s stay in the Fiction section. And when is the last time time Gil EVER passed up a golf game and/or golf instruction with his kids to attend a meeting that literally has its ass backward, judging by where the audience is sitting in relation to the debaters? Besides, it looks like he and Butthead have the same tailor as Bob Eubanks. Yeah, when was the last time will your wife say you made whoopee before you put 2 and 2 together and discovered the audience was facing the OTHER way?

And is the Nick’s Pizza delivery dude about to drop off a ton of pepperoni, now that we appear to be at least reaching halfway? And why stop at Coke and iced tea? As long as this Lincoln-Douglas Debate is transmogrifying into a Valley Modified Scrimmage carnival, why not have Jay’s Subs come in around the clock to deliver that Turkey Sub on Pita Bread with mustard, green onions, cucumbers, peach cubes, tomatoes, black olives, mushrooms, slices of paw paw, and a red vinaigrette while you’re reading War and Peace in the reading room? Shoot, I’m all for a Bucket Banana Split when I’m digging into Agatha Christie’s Miss Marple Series. I bet Ed Asner in P1 would love a Bucket Fudge Sundae break when the debate reaches fever pitch. Oops, I forgot, we’re approaching detente. Well, dig in anyway, Ed, before it melts.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Black Sabbath Reunion Concert At Milford Outdoor Amphitheater Is Nearing Reality As Negotiations Wind Down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We informed Mr. Brito that we are willing to pay a luxury tax should Iommi’s guitar-playing violate Milford Noise Ordinance Codes.”

Regarding the incident in Stanton, Kentucky in a Little League T-Ball Championship game that broke out into a free-for-all among coaches and parents

Shame on you all. The kids unfortunately were the losers because not only were there no winners that night, the kids saw adults stooping to the level of vulgarity. Anybody who was on the diamond other than the players, coaches, or umpires deserves the book thrown at them. Period. I remember one of my nephew’s games where, after a collision at the plate, both dugouts cleared. Our athletic director, Bob Cuprisin, did the right thing when he shouted to our players GENTLEMEN, GET BACK IN THE DUGOUT!!!!!!!! They did.

And while I admire both managers, Jimmy Smith and Steve Randall, for manning up and apologizing for the actions that took place with both willing to make the teams co-champions, I still think at least a year’s suspension from coaching and general Little League activities are in order for both of them. The wrong message was sent that night. While it’s ok to be competitive and want to win, the proper perspective must ALWAYS be in force. The kids need to enjoy it and have fun along the way. NO parent should EVER be allowed on the field. What’s in the stands, stays in the stands, what’s in the field stays in the field. And good sportsmanship MUST be taught. The better team wins, regardless of the officiating. Shake hands, win, lose, or draw.

Truly a tragic night for Stanton Little League. Time to repair the damage.

And while we’re getting kissy-faced in P1 (God, I’m on a roll) , why doesn’t Zane soothe the savage Butthead by suggesting that patrons laminate their own library cards? That’s right, place the laminating press on the checkout table, keep an instruction manual handy for those who need a step-by-step process, obtain the materials at the desk to go with your photo ID, voila, you have a new library card with no need to go to a print shop. If that doesn’t save the taxpayer a buck or two, God didn’t make auditoriums that actually face the performers in the summertime.

But wait, there’s more. We could convert the periodical room into a wrestling ring and charge admission. What better way to show that pro wrestling isn’t fake by staging a goodwill gesture to show that books and turnbuckles go hand in hand? You can check out a book gratis and pay a nominal charge to go watch Jerry Lawler throw Mr. Clyde through the ropes. The library would have its revenue and patrons would have their Herman Melville. The bad blood between Butthead and Zane would finally cease, building on the feel-good gestures in P1 and Zane can once again enjoy Mrs. Butthead’s gigantic cuisine. I know I’m in the mood for a humongous refried taco.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Having Severe Issues With Milford Public Library!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“How can I laminate my card when the manual is on the paper towel dispenser in the bathroom?”

This plot in P2 is executing a ridiculous twist the way a Schlitz bottle found in your garage with a sell-by date during the Nixon administration is having its bottle cap twisted. Just full of unnecessary and unwarranted surprises. The beer might taste a little better.

A week before, Katy put the deep freeze on Zane. Now she’s bubbly that her boyfriend’s back and we’re gonna be in trouble. He might have to damp-mop the breakroom, but we’re still in trouble. She was blindly devoted to her Butthead dad even if she really wasn’t up on or really could care less what Butthead said. Did the rapprochement in P1 finally cause her to get hot flashes? And puh-lllleeaaassseee don’t drag this out to High Heaven. I’d rather watch Gil lie about his golf game. Yeah, I had to take a drop by the microfiche table in the library but I still made par. Sure, Gil, you got it on the green after chipping one out of the lobby of the library. The Golden Bear would be proud.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Tax Revenue At A Standstill Over Latest Hitch At Black Sabbath Concert Talks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We informed Mr. Brito that the rest of the band was willing to play ‘Crazy Train’ as long as Mr. Thorp was not co-vocalist with Ozzy.”

And the malarkey of this charade, Butthead and Zane were at each other’s throats 24 hours before, now Katy is doing the equivalent of handing the moderators one of the 3-meat pizza boxes from Nick’s Pizza. We wouldn’t want our powers-that-be to be famished watching the manifestation of two cats clawing at each other in an alley. Just don’t forget to throw a slice at the cats occasionally to be in spirit with Valley Modified Scrimmage Travesty proportions.

You know the plot is taking a turn for the silly when the lampshade in the background faintly resembles the color of Butthead’s jacket. Bob Eubanks was loud but I never knew him to wear polka dots while hosting The Newleywed Game.

Dr. Pearl and Mr. Dr. Pearl on The Newleywed Game

“What sort of pizza will your wife say you like to eat after you’ve engaged in intense whoopee? Couple #2?”

“Oh, definitely Domino’s. After we’ve explored the wonders of veritable pleasure, I look forward to the presence of the Domino’s delivery person to accommodate our door.”

“Well, Mr. Dr. Pearl, she saw it differently,unfortunately she answered Noble Roman’s.”

“Noble Roman’s???? I haven’t eaten there since President Franklin Delano Roosevelt commenced the Works Progress Administration!!!!!!!”

“But you read much Roman history, even when the grass needs to be mowed!!!! We had the Milford Health Department issue a Property Improvement Mandate when you became excessively neglectful!!!!!!!!!”

“Tell me the truth, does he like to make whoopee after he’s read a chapter on Caesar Augustus?”

“Only if I wear a white toga, Mr. Eubanks.”

Bob Eubanks gets the predictable uproarious audience lauhgter

How did Zane go from Richie Cunningham At Academic Banquet Night in P1 to Andy Dufresne in P3? I wouldn’t be surprised if Myron Hadley is not too far, walking the hallways of Sal’s Sports with the rest of his Shawshank thugs. But Katy likes Andy’s ideas, Mr. Hadley. It doesn’t matter, you missed that coffee stain on the floor WHACK!!!!!!!!!$ And comb your hair. You look like a Brillo pad WHACK!!!!!!!!!!!! And use a mop next time, not your bed sheet nailed to a broomstick WHACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And finish that Nick’s Pizza we ordered. We didn’t buy it just so you lunkhead prisoners could get the beer WHACK!!!!!!!!!!

BTW, Katy, now that you’ve kissed and made up, could you buy Zane a new pair of shoes as a goodwill gesture? Mr. Ed could barely fit his horseshoes in that footwear in P3.

“The judges are still at an impasse over the number of points accumulated in the Library Debate and will therefore take a recess. We’ll be back in a few minutes to see if a winner is declared after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

“I sure as heck hope they make up their minds in this Library showdown. Mr. Butthead made some crucial points but Zane snuck in a couple of zingers. It’s not like Zane forgot to lace up his boxing gloves. Let’s get this damn thing over with before Happy Hour. Pardon my slip of the tongue but if Lincoln expounded on a House Divided for 3 hours, what more did he need to say? It’s Miller Time.

But i’m not here to talk about Stephen Douglas hogging all the appetizers, including the chips and clams, at Happy Hour. Folks, we have a serious crisis on our hands. Hi, this is Coach Thorp on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse. The Warehouse experienced an incident where the Grangestone Scotch Whisky semi got caught in the wrong neighborhood in Oakwood. He was accosted by several gang members and fortunately was rescued when the Oakwood Police SWAT team was out on maneuvers. Rescuing Old Ladies From An Abandoned Slum saved the driver’s neck.

Milford Beverage Warehouse deeply regrets tbe incident and wishes to make amends. Therefore, all semi’s are required to be staffed with at least two people at all times to ensure safety and quality. And our semi’s are equipped with a sleeper cab and TV and a refrigerator so nobody can say he forgot to bring the other person and he didn’t have room anyway. Excuses are for sissies and the ’62 Mets.

And as an added bonus, due to the COVID-19 pandemic, all members of our Warehouse trucking staff are required to be vaccinated and to wear masks and gloves whenever handling the precious merchandise. I know when I’m relaxing on the verandah listening to Pat Hughes and Ron Santo broadcast an exciting Cubs game, I have peace of mind assured that some A License driver wannabe didn’t indiscriminately slobber all over my Kilbrin Irish Whiskey and that he didn’t have to kill off the Clanton boys to get it delivered to The Warehouse. I didn’t pay a bargain-burner $25.99 to watch Frank James hock it back to his hideout.

And isn’t it comforting that Champagne de Margerie Grand Cru Brut du France is under temperature control and out of the hands of some mafioso because The Warehouse team is at the front line to defend against it being stashed in the trunk with the beaucoup kilos of cocaine that evidently will be a bargaining chip in some drug deal? We made sure our driving team was licensed to use a handgun. This makes the BOGO deal that much sweeter.

Then there’s some of you Doubting Thomas’s out there who think your 30-Pak of Busch Light got lost in the Wells Fargo shipment that got hijacked to Tijuana. Why pay a reasonable $21.99 only to see it imbibed by Pancho Villa and his gang? The Warehouse is determined to win back your trust even if it means calling the Milford National Guard Armory to procure proper handling of the Golden Elixir that is meant for consumers who earned 4-Star Status in The Good Life. Why punish Homer Simpson and let Osama bin-Laden go free? We don’t sell too many Fritos based on that concept.

We have also hired bomb detonators to make sure that our aisles are clear of any terrorist activities at no cost to you. You shouldn’t have to pay to worry about whether your hand gets blown off picking up Tostitos, queso dip, and a 6-pack of Budweiser. Let the Milford Anti-Terrorist League do its job, you save on Bud and Cheetos. Sounds like a bargain only matched by The Louisiana Purchase.

Now with this Great Wall of Milford behind you, why shop anywhere else? The Bucket, attempting to get a liquor license, couldn’t get Adam-12 to answer someone shoplifting its soup ladles. You know where you want to shop when you grow up. Come down and get security and booze all in the same shopping cart and tell them Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Rob is going to kill me, Rob is going to kill me…

Othersise, you’re the best, Gang. God bless you.

At the Milford Nudist Colony

“Mommy, I’ve never seen Mr. Ozzy in the raw before.”

“Uhhhhhhhh, oh look, Keri, there’s Ozzy’s grandkids. Why don’t you go play with them on the playground.”

Late Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Negotiations Are Winding Down On Black Sabbath Reunion Concert At Milford Outdoor Amphitheater!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We finally convinced Mr. Brito that ‘Am I Going Insane’ was not talking about his personal affairs.”

June 16, 2021

Paul Mooney Might Have Appreciated It

The world of comedy lost a pointed social critic last month with the passing of Paul Mooney at the age of 79. Younger TWIMers probably know Mooney from his roles on Chapelle’s Show, but the old heads will remember him for his collaborations with Richard Pryor. Pryor gave Mooney his first break in comedy by offering Mooney a job as a writer while Mooney was working as a circus ringmaster. Mooney would go on to write material for Pryor’s standup routines, much of which ended up on several of Pryor’s live albums that were big sellers during the ’70s.

During the 1975 television season, a new live sketch comedy show, Saturday Night, was flagging in the ratings and needed a boost. Producer Lorne Michaels thought Pryor was just the man to do it and approached him to guest-host an episode of the show. Pryor agreed but only if certain demands were met, including having Gil Scott-Heron as the musical guest and that he bring his own writer – Paul Mooney – to write his sketches. The story, possibly apocryphal, that Chevy Chase approached Mooney to write him into a sketch with Pryor who, also possibly apocryphal, didn’t care much for Chase, led to the infamous “Word Association” sketch that put SNL on the map and created the seven-second delay.

By all appearances the Milford Library Board panel interview has the look of sliding into a similar word association game. I leave it to you gentle readers to offer your own word associations, none of which I hope will be as controversial and potentially offensive as the one Paul Mooney wrote for Richard Pryor and Chevy Chase.

A couple of minor points of observation:

a. When would a high school student ever have the need to do a user survey?

2. Who said anything about a bookmobile? Is Abel looking for something else to fill his ample free time besides complain about the library budget?

iii. How is the goateed Library Board member holding his vape pen, exactly? His thumb doesn’t extend out far enough to support it from behind.

This links to the only clip I could find of Gil Scott-Heron from that SNL appearance. I used to be able to drop clips into posts, but apparently I now have to “upgrade [my] plan to use this premium block.” We here at TWIM will have to figure out if we can afford such luxury. It might even cost as much as a computer at a public library.

June 15, 2021

I, Butthead.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:59 pm

I break down at the hearing and lose my thread

No one cares to hear a word that I say

When I break down and I’m frazzled and lose my head

Nothing I propose to do will work the same way

Anytime it happened, they’d walk over me

I got no help cuz I got no friends

Milfordtown could plainly see what’s wrong with me

And they walk away and just pretend

Oh, wonderful. We have Lawrence Welk to make the opening comments. Wunnerful, wunnerful, wunnerful, ve haf ze Milford Chamber Orchestra playink Mozart’s “Eine Kleine Nachtmusik” vile ze participants are beatink each other’s brains out, some Miles Davis “Milestones” vile zey are arguink ze finer points, a classeek Vincent Youmans tune “Tea for Two” where zey are expected to dance in front of ze audience should ze debate be boring as a goat’s behind and some museek to reach our younger generation, “Tears of a Clown” by ze venerable Smokey Robinson, as performed by our quartet.

Boy, this snoozer is getting off on the right foot, don’t you know. Maybe I’ll sneak in Alan Parsons’ “I, Robot” when they’re taking a break.

Whenever Johnny Carson did his monologue on The Tonight Show and a joke bombed, the piano player started a rendition of “Tea for Two” and Carson would oblige by dancing a step or two

At the Milford Comedy Club Thursday Night Laughfest

“…what do I look like, a butthead who just happens to be a robot?”


Somebody is heard playing “Tea for Two” on his kazoo

“Gil, you really don’t dance the Funky Chicken to that number.”

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Black Sabbath Reunion Concert At Milford Outdoor Amphitheater On Hold After Negotiations Stall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We feel Mr. Brito’s demands to remove a seating section in the amphitheater just to save tax dollars is a bit unreasonable.”

And to follow Frank’s excellent point, who the HELL has library debates in their town???? Only in Rockville. To paraphrase REM’s great song, you’ll wind up at the podium, all dressed up and nowhere else to go. Stand and preach to an empty room, ramble on allll by yourself. And is Dr. Pearl With Azul Hair the moderator? I noticed someone is sitting next to her. I’d laugh if that was Bozo the Clown. Okay, Boys and Girls, let’s be nice to each other when we’re debating. Don’t say anything about the other person’s mother. Don’t pull down your dress or pants and expose your butt if the other person scores a point. No spitting. Don’t slurp your Dasani when your opponent is expounding on a question. Don’t say your dad worked on the prison chain gang before he started a career in insurance and married a woman who worked part-time at a brothel to pay her way through school. Being nice has its rewards.

Now if Bozo can find a way to talk into corn dog that’s been chewed on but never fully digested. I am more than confident that Doc from Back to the Future will invent the microphone but until then, just move closer up if you can’t hear.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Trouble Brewing At The Thorp Household Over Latest Black Sabbath Accomodation Gaffe!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We’ve tried to store Geezer’s bass and sound system while not upping the storage costs. I will have Mimi park the SUV in the front lawn.”

And I am totally unfamiliar with Robert’s Rule of Order and I understand parliamentary procedure only basically but from all the meetings and debates I’ve attended, I do remember that it makes sense that persons involved in the debate face the audience, not have the parties interested be situated behind the protagonists. We know that Thorpiverse is sometimes like Leonard Lawrence from Full Metal Jacket; they both occasionally get confused on the concept of left and right or front and back so we’ll cut some slack this time, assuming this isn’t an ongoing trend.

Really, what are we gaining from a member of the studio audience able to observe Butthead’s butt? I hope this design is not mimicked on the set of The Price is Right. The name being called to COME ON DOWN better hope they’re going in the right direction or Bob Barker won’t be able to tell that contestant the actual retail price.

“What are you doing here in the break room?”

“You mean, Bob Barker isn’t here? They called my name.”

I can see the Milford Playhouse now

“To be or not to be

That is the quest-“

“Pssst, Hamlet!!!!! The audience is the OTHER way!!!!!!!”

Basketball games ought to be interesting

“Please, for the safety of the players, no throwing coins or other objects onto the floor, if you are facing towards the game.”

And I always wondered if some Muslim, when praying 5 times a day, is truly facing the right direction. After taking a look at P2, I’m not so sure.

If ya git on yore knees and pray 5 times a day towards your Bud can, even tho ya is sometimes drunker than a skunk and figger sometimes ya is close enough, ya might be a redneck.

I have to admit, Butthead makes some valid points and technology is certainly affecting our libraries, although I am not entirely convinced that libraries are empty shells. Before COVID-19 hit, I did many and much of my posts at the library and attendance there was at a healthy rate. Plus, I went to a library book sale a week ago at a library that had canceled these book sales for well over a year but you wouldn’t have known it by the number of patrons that were there. The library is back.

But I’ll cut Butthead some slack as he has tangible evidence thereof. And even with Zane’s rebuttal, you really can’t get around some of the data that he is displaying. That said, I have a couple of candidates for Pantheon of Mysterious Objects, starting with that square in the background. Is it a large oversized window so that everyone can look in the sky should Santa Claus appear and dump all the toys for all the good boys and girls of Milford? Maybe. A better possibility is a movie screen but it would be hard for me to eat popcorn and Junior Mints and a large Coke with my back to the screen. Why we have an IMAX screen behind the audience and the audience behind Beavis and Butthead and the IMAX screen behind the audience and Beavis and Butthead is just begging for an answer. And I don’t beg. Too bad, it’d be fun to watch Coach Thorp drive his Plymouth 300 over the Grand Canyon at 110MPH but not when the building engineers forgot to enforce the building code. And when they’re done with all the mudslinging, can I take that leash off the lectern? I need to go walk my dog.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Local Student Suspended By Dr. Pearl; Parents To Appeal Findings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Plaintiff’s lawyer: ‘We are extremely disappointed in this travesty of justice. Mr. Knappe is certainly entitled to listen to ‘War Pigs’ n his car in the football stadium parking lot as long as it does not interfere with the educational process.'”

P3 reminds me of the scene in Angels in the Outfield where Ranch Wilder, the Angels’ play-by-play announcer and total jerk, undermining the manager’s decisions the whole movie, finally gets his comeuppance by getting fired, his color man Wally uttering a jewel “Easy, Ranch. Less is more”.

Gee, don’t you think that applies to this burlesque?

And okay, Zane, you have a point too. Butthead is being somewhat unrealistic, given libraries’ popularity even when confronted with technological reality. It’s still the place to go and deserves to be rewarded accordingly. I don’t think we should go overboard but that’s with any expenditures involving tax dollars. I pay taxes too. I’d rather not have Penthouse in the children’s library.

But when we want more, you know we ask for less, such is the language of libraries and more can be less as we learned from eating at the Brito residence a few weeks ago and I’m sure Zane wants more, not less of Katy even though Katy wants more of her dad, not less although that is DEFINITELY less is more, no matter what angle you approach that. Boy, if we can dump Butthead in the library dumpster, we would have the most but that’s moreless not going to be the case. Zane is more or less likely to finish off that corn dog waving in front of him. And for all you Dan Fogelberg fans (like me) who were confused at my skewering “Windows and Walls”, a thousand pardons.

I break down from this drivel and lose my thread

No one should bother to grasp a word that I say

When I break down and I scribble and lose my head

Nothing I say in public can work the same way

Where are Mudlark fans who used to cheer with me?

All they ever said is Gil is screwed

People at the debate sitting back of me

Is it any wonder I’m confused

When i break down

“We’ll be back to see who the judges thought won this exciting, heart-pounding debate after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

At Coach Shaw’s residence at 11:31 PM

“Damn, there’s so many leaves, so little time. Thank God, I got my trusty rake that I inherited from my grandpa that he hocked in WWII from some French village…”


“Quiet down, Woman!!!!!!! The neighbors’ll hear ya!!!!!!!!!!!! They’ll think I have problems!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Honey, I think they already know.”

“That’s beside the point!!!!!!! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have so many leaves and so little time to rake. Them damn oak leaves sure know how to clog up a gutter. I wish the squirrels would eat them instead of acorns.”

“Darling, nobody cleans their guttering shortly before midnight.”

“Blibby Blubba, well, hey, Mrs. Shaw, duty calls. It’s how the Commies take over. Just dump a bunch of whirlygigs and poplar leaves in the drainage up here and next thing you know, them Russkies are taking over America without firing a shot.”

“That’s funny, I never knew the Soviets to go to battle by damaging someone’s gutter.”

“That’s the problem with you!!!!!!!! You don’t read the papers. When they bombed Pearl Harbor, I read in Reader’s Digest where it took two weeks to rake all the shrapnel and ginkgo leaves and dogwood drupes from the guttering. I wouldn’t buy no Toyota from someone who bombarded Honolulu with dogwood debris.”

“We don’t subscribe to Reader’s Digest.”

“Shaka Shaka Shake Your Money Maker I was at the barber shop getting a mohawk and I read the article until it was my turn.”

“Honey, get down fwom de widdle wadder and come to bed and wet’s have some fun.”

“No way!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have a job to do and wild horses won’t drag me down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“But the buckle in the ladder will.”

“Whatchoo talkin’ about-WHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Don’t worry, Darling, I’ll call Milford Fire Department and get you down.”

“There was nothing more embarrassing than having to explain to the Fire Chief why I was hanging from my maple tree. I could have saved the conversation if I had gotten my butt to Milford Men’s Clinic to address my Erectile Dysfunction problems. With treatment plans that are affordable and effective, shouldn’t you weed out your ED issues? No more forays on the roof and a lot more fun in bed. That’s an even exchange. Only at The Clinic.”

That is NOT a gigantic chalkboard in the background. Yeah, right, someine is proving the Pythagorean Theorem while the debate is going on. They better turn around is all I can say. But God bless you, Gang.

Freedom Freedom

Take this plot away


Freedom Freedom

Make it go away


Free us Free us

Send it on its way…

June 14, 2021

Hello Rollie

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Mimi Thorp — nedryerson @ 3:36 am

Mimi came to this meeting for a show. So far, there’s no show. Mimi is sad. Poor Mimi.

Gil knows a guy who is maybe on the Library Board or maybe just some Milford functionary who is wrapped up in this ridiculous business so Gil is gonna go say hello (and see why this damned show hasn’t started already). So let’s meet Rollie Conlan.

Well ain’t that something? Rollie’s grandson played on one of Gil’s teams. Funny, I don’t remember any kids named Conlan. Did he ever even get listed on a roster or anything? I’m coming up blank. Ah, but Rollie remembers his grandson’s tenure and is still miffed that his grandson rode the pines so much. Gil issues a smug retort. Your grandson didn’t play much because he was mediocre…say when is this clown show supposed to start anyway?

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