This Week in Milford

September 25, 2020

I Thought Only Steve Luhm Handled the Mops in Milford

Hey everybody! Joan Rivers here for robmize. Can we talk?

Seriously, I don’t know what Rapson’s beef is here. The game plan with him under center is no different than the game plan with Thayer under center. What did he expect Gil to do, let him air it out and run up the score? The Mudlarks aren’t Steve Spurrier’s Florida Gators, fuhcripessake. It’s already been established that Milford’s gonna be The Chance and Charlie Show this fall.

Rapp’s probably upset that Gil wasn’t making eye contact with him when he was giving him his marching orders. Wearing mime makeup under your helmet is bound to be a bit disquieting to even the most stoic of coaches, Terry. Then again, he might’ve been taking Gil at his word a bit too literally and is miffed that Gil didn’t let him drive the Milford activity bus back from Oakwood. (Who drives that bus, anyway?)

Terry just needs to relax on the ride home and get ready to see his quarterbacking rival get shot down by Corina at The Bucket. What, you weren’t missing another strip of Corina being a jerk to everyone? Yeah, me neither.

metapost: Like robmize, I will actually be away this weekend too. Hoping Ned, tdrew or maybe even the sorely missed timbuys will step up and take my Saturday post. Okay? Okay!

September 24, 2020

Fat Chance We’re Avoiding The Sequel.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 7:59 am

Gang, I’m going to retell a story I told before on this site because I feel it is apropos in relation to the present scheme of things

George Jetson, after picking up Elroy from football practice and a third option at quarterback in case the other two QB options kill each other on the streets of Milford in a Samurai competition, finally at the computer

“Mr. Computer, I have to know, are we ever going to have a decent plot? Because I’m tired of hearing Elroy complain about Coach Thorp leaving practice early so that he and Mr. Spacely can sneak in a round of golf at the country club on the planet Saturn.”

“The prrrrroooobbbbbaaabbbbility weiigggghhhhhsssss threeeeeeee thhhhhhoouuusssssaaaannnddd, fivvvvvvveeeeee hundddddreeeeddddd andddddddddd siiixxxxxttyyyyyyyyy-fffffffooouuuurrrrrrrrrrr pppppooooooouuuuuunnnnnnnnddddddsssssss.”

“Now don’t go Dr. Pearl on me. What’s that got to do with Coach Thorp settling the issue and proclaiming to the masses he’s actually going to coach this year?”

“Ffffffaaaaaaattttttttt cccccccccchhhhhaaaaannnnnccccceeeeee.”

Thorpiverse veterans are inured to Marty’s digs at Coach T which usually serve as a precursor to how part of the plot anyway is going to shake out. If you can translate Moonspeak, the soliloquy in P1 would read

“And Charlie Roh on a long gain. The refs are running out of breath moving the chains. And Thayer on a keeper for another 10. But I don’t see Chance Macy. Did Coach Thorp make him sit in the locker room again? Well, if you sit on the bench that way, nobody’s looking. Or did Coach T send him on another errand? These Go-fer chores are getting old. One week Chance goes to the store to get milk and eggs for Mimi and today he goes to the drug store for a pack of smokes. Just last week Chance had to go get the Chicken Ravioli Pit Plate for Coach T and Maureen couldn’t change the 50 that Coach gave Macy. Is Chance just going to sit on his ass the entire game? He must have jock itch bad the way he’s been scratching himself all over creation. And who’s that girl he’s with? He’ll get some respect somewhere, I reckon. Oh, that’s his mom or grandmom or guardian, I can’t remember, Chet burned the files.”

So I can say with an air of confidence that Chance, not Heather Burns, will be recycled in the Year of the Roh. And we have Bobblehead Moon to thank for that.

Gang, The verdict and the surrounding circumstances concerning Breonna Taylor has left me too upset to comment. But I can say that in order to fulfill my desire to do my part to combat racism, please spread the word about The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Duran Duran, REM, The Police, Johnny Winter, Edgar Winter, Eric Clapton, and U2 who have done SOMETHING to deal with the injustices concerning African-American musicians. Because Black Lives Matter, I am personally outraged that Arthur Crudup wound up a barge worker after writing “That’s All Right, Mama” which Elvis made famous. Sadly, he’s not the only one. But these people listed above did SOMETHING to overcome injustices such as these. I am not asking you to buy their records. I am asking you to spread what they have done to make Black Lives Better. Because they have.

One other thing. Please register to vote. Democracy needs you.

And who the heck is complaining about Chance Macy NOW???? Why would you bring his name up with an air of controversy unless someone has his Haggar slacks stuck up his butthole over his playing and we know it can’t be Chet Ballard? Are Fred and Barney in the stands bitching because Pebbles and Bam Bam aren’t getting enough touches? What are we going to do, make a “Leave it to Beaver” episode out of this one?

“Awwwwww, I can outrun Chance Macy ten times better than him. That creep couldn’t go faster than a snail.”

“Geez, Beaver, you don’t have to be a lunk-headed dope over it. I’m sure Coach Thorp, when he returns from the Port-o-Pot, will put you back in the game.”

“Wally’s right, Beaver. I’m sure Coach Thorp will get his bouffant out of his rear end and smell the Folger’s. Why, you’re just as good as going in on 3rd and long.”

“And Ward, I heard Coach Thorp tell Coach Kaz he was thinking of moving Beaver to the kicking team. He said he liked the way Beaver blocked. Said he was good at tripping the defensive end when the ref wasn’t looking.”

I hope there’s no sequel to THAT should the episode get released.

Anyway, we are likely to see poor surrogates to Chet Ballard if Thorpiverse decides to propel Chance through Comic Strip Hell again. Really, I just can’t see Bill Cosby digging through Dr. Pearl’s records in her office after he pried the lock on the door just so his son can get more PT than Chance. Just sayin’.

Gang, you know I love to cook. So when I saw this article on dumplings

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“The Bucket Obtaining Last Shipment Of Pierogis From Poland Today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Owner:’We’ll slip it in The Bucket Foot-Long Subs and see if anybody notices. We can save a bundle on buying cucumbers and green peppers.”

ARE YA READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man, I don’t know if my heart can take this. Football action!!!!!!!!!!! As in something we can freeze-frame and stick in the time capsule and bury next to the marigolds in the International Peace Garden in front of Milford Court House.

And commentary that’s on-point and concise. No digressions. No Chance’s charges getting coerced in the paddy wagon because Chet Ballard pulled a Eugene McCarthy on them (“Gil, Mr. Macy used to read The Red Book in the corner booth? He must have had it under his newspaper he got out of the stand in front of The Bucket.”) .That’s right, the next time you see this rogue that looks like Bluto’s cousin in a phone booth looking like he’s whispering something into the receiver, he’s not calling his bookie betting on the Cubs (gotcha, Robmize-ha ha). Mr. Macy better watch his backside. And read safer publications like Grit.

No immature teenagers initiating a flailing attempt at re-enacting The French and Indian War where Frick might get all of Quebec and a concordat with Tecumseh if Frack agrees to Vincennes. And they split the quarterback duties after the treaty gets signed at Tippicanoe with Mad Anthony Wayne proctoring the proceedings.

Charlie “Ruh” Roh (love it , Teenchy!!!!!!!) actually getting yardage and not getting sidetracked by Gil’s baggage or Chet’s baggage or Corina’s baggage or Bugs Bunny’s baggage or Elmer Fudd’s baggage. Don’t you think it got maddening when Roh would hit a hole for a no-brainer touchdown only to get met at the end zone by Corina who’s staging a hissy fit because her mom threw her possessions out on the street again and told CK to go back to Milford and this time it’s final. Couldn’t throw a flag for interference.

Savor the moment, Gang. We might be encountering some more individuals on the shrink’s couch before too long.

“Mr. Thorp, why do you spend more time at the golf course than at the football field?”

“Doc, I remember when my dad took me to The Masters when I was 3 years old. I was hooked. It’s been an obsession ever since.”

Gang, LMAO at Jim Carrey’s imitation of Wile E. Coyote. He puts a harmonica in his mouth and jumps up and down, breathing in and out of the harmonica (trying to resemble a giant accordion, in other words)

“Why is Coach Thorp playing a Jew’s harp coming out of the Port-o-Pot? No wonder why there’s a QB controversy.”

“The rumor I heard was the facility got bombed by a giant pirogie that Warsaw launched.”

And the football action in P2 won but like any good coach knows, there’s still some things to clean up. Granted, the Oakwood defense dude is doing the only thing he can do, given the circumstances. And Macy is doing what any normal running back would do if he was carrying a football and he intends to score a TD. The handshake with that Oakwood defense dude will come AFTER the game. Even Thorpiverse knows that.

But WHAT THE HECK IS #22 DOING????? Did he just plop out of the Oreo skyline and decide he better do some blocking after all? I suppose after he’s performed his blocking assignment with the white-tail deer, he’ll come over and mop up. Chance could always use the extra yardage even if #22 has to utilize a cotangent angle to execute mop-up duties.

AND WHAT IS THAT LINE DOING ON THE FIELD????? I’m aware that we need to stay within the boundaries but Puh-leasssee, nobody runs on a football field crossing the Union Pacific track. I’d hate to see short yardage situations. 4th-and-1? Better make sure the train signals aren’t flashing.

At the Thorp verandah for the Fall get-together with family and friends

“Have you tried the Gyoza noodle salad yet? Gil had a bowl with a couple of White Castle burgers and a Bud.”

“No, Mimi. As soon as I finish up your turnip souffle, I’ll have to try some.”

Japanese cuisine and Steak ‘n’ Shake while reminiscing over the 2014 Championship. Priceless.

And then a potential sequel I’m betting money the TWIMer faithful is glad got scrapped

“Harry, I’ve got the Macys fingered. I did a little research at the Milford Public Library and I found out in the Genealogical Department that the Macy are actually the Mashcherigurganov’s and they immigrated from Novosibirsk when Nixon was President.”

“Ralph, did you eat too many chicken tenders at The Diner? How could they have slipped past Customs?”

“Simple. When Nixon and his staff were being interrogated for Watergate, security got lax. They just rolled in while all eyes were on Tricky Dick. And a subtle borrowing of Macy’s name while shopping at the same for blue jeans and they had America written all over them.”

“Ralph, even if that’s true, why bite at the American Pie that feeds you?”

“Harry Boyle, I’ve never known a Commie to not give no quarter when he was running over the defensive lineman with his cleats. Scores a lot of touchdowns in the name of Stalin. America is just Grand Central Station.”

Yeah, I’m throwing this in the incinerator even as I text.

LOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UP IN THE SKY!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT’S A MUDLARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SUPERMAN IS SITTING ON THE BENCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But will play later in the second half under Gil’s “Everybody Plays” dictum.

I will concede the art work for a football field in P3 are for once rooted in reality. Someone took the time to use his/her binoculars to size up the dimensions without looking like they’re scouting the team. Let me know the secret.

And if we can eliminate the high-brow drama that accompanies every TD run, we might be able to enjoy the athletic ability that is P3. Chet Ballard never looked good on 1-yard TD plunges, let alone dime store novel dramas. And I had to cough up a dime for the latter.

At The Diner

“So how was the Empanada Con Carne y Queso Cocinada en el Agua Azul sin los Frijoles Verdes?”

“A couple of the dumplings was lukewarm, Maureen, otherwise my compliments to the chef. Coffee was good too.”

“And let me remind you that this IS a game, not some worthless scrimmage to salvage someone’s season because he took the good silverware out of the China cabinet that his mom uses for Thanksgiving dinners and left it to rot in his locker. This contest will count in the standings as the coin flip between Thorp and Andrews at the 50-yard line is final on that issue. We’ll be back for the opening kickoff after this.”

“Aren’t you excited, Folks? It reminds me of those tender moments when we have the fire started at the Milford KOA #7 camp fire and I have my arm around Mimi and we’re sipping Chablis and enjoying some Gil Thorp Hot ‘n’ Nasty Pure Pork Sausages and Biscuits while Alan Parson’s “Tales of Mystery & Imagination is emanating from the ghetto box on the picnic table.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. And I thought this Romance Without Sex moment was the quintessential camping-on-a-budget experience, especially when a slab of pork was involved but Hot Damn was I wrong.

While Mimi was skimming through the section on baking cakes and formulating ideas on how to make the best German tortes from Eggo Waffles (“Pre-set oven to 400 degrees.”) out of the Better Homes & Gardens Cookbook , I happened to come across Chapter 18, Dialing for Dumplings. Ummmm, ummmm, if only you could have seen what other countries set on their tables next to the chow mein and reindeer burgers. It’s better than the All You Can Eat Burgoo betwen 3 and 7 at The Diner.

And I started thinking, something I rarely do in the 4th quarter, how about if I create some recipes using my sausage to lead the way to The Elysian Fields of culinary ecstasy? It was a no-brainer.

That’s why you need to try the Manti Surprise, dumplings imported from Turkey and Armenia, served generously with chunks of Gil Thorp Italian Sausage and some croutons. And don’t forget to pour some Paul Newman’s Russian Roulette Dressing. Served with Mimi’s Eggo Blueberry Bundt Cake, the bullet won’t go off on this Bacchanalian adventure.

Now some of you want to go Oriental on me. No problem. Thanks to a sweet deal I engineered with the city of Shanghai, not only will I get the finest hogs this side of The International Date Line, but the city officials threw in a recipe or two of their own.

So if your grill is still in working order and you still have some lighter fluid left in your garage, then Gil Thorp Smokehouse as Sin and some Xiaolongbao is a veritable sight for the culinary eye. Don’t ask me what Xiaolongbao means, it could translate “My QB’s are all blow and no show” for all I care but grill these Chinese dumplings on top of my Smokehouse patties and watch them bust the door down when Jackie Stewart is breaking down an Indy 500 engine and nobody knows what the crap he’s talking about. Nothing like Xiaolongbao with grill stains on them topping your Smokehouse and imbibing a Coors while A. J. Foyt gets the checkered flag. No Indy 500 concession stand can beat that. Elephant ears? With “All blow and no show, loosely translated?” Defense rests.

But some of you want to impress the boss so you want the wife to get out the Gil Thorp Honey-Smacked Pure Pork Sausage. And you know your boss is a meat-and-potatoes man. Well, I couldn’t think of a better distant cousin to a spud than the dumpling. And when your wife serves Maultaschen and the Honey to the one who signs your checks every Friday, you can be assured that our quality products will enhance the conversation and the glass of Four Roses. Just don’t tell your boss that Maultaschen is Bavarian for “Pocket of Milk Bones”. I know “Tasche” means “Pocket” anyway. Just don’t translate the rest and a successful night of good eatin’ will surely expidite that raise you’ve been begging for the last 18 months. Throw in some Archway Apple Fritter cookies and it might come sooner. Maultaschen and Archway and my Honey Sausage, ground fresh daily from the apiaries on our Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage property, in the hole, baby.

Folks, good eating is what it’s all about. Come get a package at your grocer today. And if you buy 5 of my lip-smacking products, I’ll throw in the recipe handout for all the scrumptious meals that you can create with my sausage and the dumplings originating from all corners of the globe. I don’t know about you but sausage and dumplings from Algeria just makes Christmas that much better. It’s like candy canes in the Christmas stocking. Get on doen and lay claim to your own country and dumplings and have at it with Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. Where Fine Flavor knows no checkpoint.”

No, Gang, Chance will not have to deal with KAOS. Maxwell Smart will be in the stands to monitor any funny business. He’ll be the one with the shades and the shoulder pads.

September 23, 2020

And Awaaaay We Roh!

Filed under: actual action, football, hideous scar faces, metapost, Oakwood, shadow figures — teenchy @ 11:20 am

Bonfire’s out of the way, let’s get to footballin’.

Marty’s mom and dad have moved his crate out of the basement into the attic so he peer out the roof vent and down onto Milford. This better situates him to indulge his sportscaster fantasies. Marty always acts so shocked to see the Mudlarks line up in some offensive formation that fell out of favor decades ago. He should know by now that’s Gil’s fallback position when he lacks the horses (or confidence in the horses he has) to play the modern version of the game. All anyone who scouts Milford has to do is hit the library for some dusty old volume on how to defend against these archaic offenses and that’s all she wrote for the Mudlarks.

Gil starts the season with two runs up the gut from Charlie “Ruh” Roh, last year’s backup RB and wish fulfillment vehicle for Chet Ballard. Speaking of whom, where is old Chet these days? Holed up in the crate with Marty; nah, most likely living under his desk at the insurance agency. Back to the gridiron: have you ever seen a zebra signal a first down like that? Looks like he’s ready to snap off a Polish salute. It’s those quirky, not-quite-of-the-current-century details that keep we few coming back to Milford.

metapost: A moment of silence for the late Gale Sayers, whose most famous speech, as paraphrased by Billy Dee Williams, I shared with you all on that fateful day when True Standish learned of Boo Radley’s fate. If there’s a place beyond this one, I hope that Gale and Brian are back together again there.

September 22, 2020

I Just Come To These Pep Rallies Because I’m A Pyromaniac.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 10:45 am

You know that it would be untrue

You know that I would be a liar

If I was to say to you

Gang, this plot survives the fires

C’mon, T-verse, start the fire

C,mon, T-verse, start the fire

Try to light this trash on

Firrrrreeeeee

And correct me if I’m wrong but we have at least 3 plots running every which way, Corina taking Volleyball 101 for some inexplicable reason, the two-headed monster at the quarterback position, although I think Castor ate Pollux’s head at The Diner, mistaking it for a meatball, and Castor and Pollux scoping a couple of prospects from Mount Olympus. I guess when Gil lays down the hammer on who the QB is before he does Karaoke at the bonfire, there really isn’t much to work with in terms of a QB controversy. I am still not holding my breath. Plots that get short-circuited because they were allowing their sexual preferences to lead them to Lethe have a way to resurface. Just because Gil said Thayer is the quarterback doesn’t really mean Rapson will be picking up Thayer’s towels or discussing draw plays on 3-and-2. I still THINK there’s a rivalry but it’s getting sidetracked by Corina’s inflammatory comments, literal and figurative, not to mention her amateurish venture into volleyball. I wouldn’t trust her around a fire anyway. Rapson may start some crap but he’s not using his Zippo in the process. QB controversies without conflagrations. Let’s keep it real, Thorpiverse. Don’t get the Fire Marshal involved.

Big shout-out to Mark Kayrouz, a cashier at the self check-out at the Valley Station, Kentucky, Kroger. I have known Mark for years and he has ALWAYS treated me with the utmost of courtesy as well as his customers. He always has a smile on his face and you leave Kroger feeling great. Without his services, Kroger would be a lot less than it is now because he DEFINITELY enhances your shopping experience, especially with his know-how, enthusiasm, and love for his job. If you are in the neighborhood, stop by and see him. He represents what America is all about. Hard-working and friendly. I salute you, Mark.

And the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects is buzzing around all over the bonfire in P1. Looks like job security until Thanksgiving anyway.

I tried to translate what was on that sign, given the miasma of humanity, Corina’s balloon leading the charge, plopped in front of it. Thorpiverse has a nasty habit of blocking the fire hydrant when Gil pours on the fire from attempting to sing “Firehouse” or “Hotter than Hell” by Kiss. And couldn’t you imagine Gil trying to blow fire out of his mouth a la Gene Simmons? He might as well perform the fait d’accomplait out of his hair. Don’t get me started on what Gil and Mimi would look like singing “Rock Bottom” while wearing make-up and high heels. Mimi might look good in heels anyway.

“Who’s that person with the clown make-up walking into Gil’s office? And where did he get those shoes? He almost knocked the ceiling lights out of their fixtures.”

“Oh, that’s Gil, Dr. Pearl. He took the kids to a concert at Milford Outdoor Amphitheater.”

Anyway, I used my powers of logic that I learned in 3rd grade and deduced it wasn’t K-Mart. No, no blue light was going to flash around the bonfire announcing a sale on men’s underwear or popcorn or Deer Park 16-oz. water bottles.

And it couldn’t be the school caferteria. Why would they advertise their rubber hamburgers and over-heat-lamped French fries at a bonfire?

CONCESSION STAND!!!!!!!!!!! The “C” gave it away and I needed all the clues I could get. I was going to guess “Milford Nuclear Power Plant Comglomerates” next. Well, it has a “C” in it. And I don’t think Corinavirus (put THAT on a banner? Yeah, it has a “C” but so does “Crock”) got her cups from the Baseball Scrimmage. Yeah, sure, she left them in the trunk for this momentous occasion, a chance to be a part of history and be a royal pain in the ass. Isn’t that what YOU went to bonfires for? Drink Bud out of the cup and complain the fire needs more matches?

Okay, I think I’ve established that Corina is NOT toting Ensure that she stole off her grandparents’ bureau. But whaddup with some of the other UFO’s buzzing around? Like why did that guy to the left feel the need to wear his lawn chair to keep warm? And does he wear Depend Undergarments at all the pep rallies? I’m sure he has to keep his trapezoidal butt firm and warm but he may be overextending himself on this very matter. Dr. Pearl never used a pup tent around her waist.

Because I was a bit confused when some chewing tobacco ad made the disclaimer that it was not a safe alternative to cigarettes, breaking my heart because I wanted to break my 3-pack-a-day Winston habit with some Skoal the next time I go surfboarding

“Coach Thorp In Milford General After Latest Misunderstanding With Red Man Wintergreen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“It was supposed to get me in estrus but I wound up with an oversized cheek and my coif is falling out.”

The time to hesitate is through

Time to throw Gil in the fire

This rally we can only lose

And Will lay on a funeral pyre

C’mon, T-verse, light the fire

C’mon, T-verse, light the fire

Try to set this bunk on

Firrrrrreeeeeee

The bonfire in P2 that is raging out of control reminds me of the bonfire my college held when our football team was doing extremely well and the football coach and the college president was trying to rally the students. And of course, the football captain, the quarterback, the star player (left guards deserve the spotlight too, even if it’s coming from a campfire) , the head coach, the assistant coach, the up-and-coming coach who later went on to coach the team we were scheduled to play for the championship, the alumni president, the football booster club president, the parents club president, the janitor (SOMEDODY had to pick up the charred logs and provide comic relief) , and finally the college president, Dr. Horner, went to the podium to speak. Bear in mind, we are outside, not in the gym where rallies usually took place. Since it was kinda hard to start a fire at the jump circle, the bonfire was located on some green area along the dormitories. It was brisk and the sky was a typical Fall overcast day so our president draped on his person a debonair overcoat, he was dressed to impress at the bonfire, trust me.

So he’s shouting at us that we weren’t excited enough and that our rally NEEDED MORE VIM AND VIGORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. And the way he talked, you could only imagine a borderline bass-baritone sounding like George Jetson’s computer. And he keeps warbling VIM AND VIGORRRRRRRRRRRRRR when he finally calls up the defense captain, an obvious attempt to get SOMEONE to validate his VIM AND VIGORRRRRRRRRRRRRR, banking on the captain’s speech to be within the bounds of good taste and based upon Christian morals, since my school was church-related.

Hoo boy. Was our college president disappointed.

No sooner does our defense captain take the stage that he grabs the mike and exhorts

WE’RE GONNA KICK THE SHIT OUT OF THEIR OFFENSIVE LINE AND WE’RE GONNA MAKE THEIR QUARTERBACK EAT GIL’S LUNCH WHILE WE FUCK GIL’S WIFE AND THEIR RUNNING BACK IS GOING TO BE JACKING OFF THE TURF AND THEIR WHOLE GODDAMN TEAM IS IN FOR A HELL OF A FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Needless to say, our college president is just stunned. No evidence of any VIM or VIGORRRRRRRRRRRR. Finally, he says half-jokingly THAT WILL COST YOU AN NJPPPPPPPPPP (Notice of Judicail Procedure) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, at least making Gil eat Alpo was clean.

And I wouldn’t be surprised if Gil gets up on stage and, well, I’ll let the drama do the talking

“Is THIS the best you can do for a fire???? 9 feet high???? Smoky the Bear would be on sabbatical!!!!!! And we only had 4 squad cars complain about the noise!!!!!!!!!!!!! I may not coach better THAN Smoky the Bear but these wussy fires only intensify a bad situation. I don’t care if it would burn down The Diner in 5 minutes!!!!!!!!!! Why not TWO Diners??????? I never liked Maureen’s cooking anyway!!!!!!!!!! The stuff that goes into her scrambled eggs and the gossip that comes out of her mouth, I heard they are one and the same!!!!!!!!

So let’s make some REAL NOISE!!!!!!!!!!!! I MEAN SOME VIM AND LIQUORRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! OOPS, I MEAN VIGORRRRRRRRRRRRRRR”

Heard from the crowd

APPLE SAUCE RAISIN BRAN

SPIT SPIT SPIT

WE THINK TOD’S TEAM SMELLS LIKE

PEANUT BUTTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“ATTA WAY TO KEEP IT CHRISTIAN!!!!!!!!!!! ALL RIGHT, HERE’S MY TWO QUARTERBACKS WITH SOMETHING TO SAY”

“WE JUST WANTED TO SAY IT BITES A BUFFALO’S ASS THAT WE HAVE TO BE CONTENDING FOR THE QB SPOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEATHER BURNS NEVER HAD TO FIGHT WITH PELWICKI OVER A SLIDE RULE, LET ALONE THE TOP SPOT ON THE TEAM-“

“GET OFF THE STAGE!!!!!!!!!!! NOBODY CHALLENGES ME LIKE THAT UNLESS IT’S MY WIFE AT 1:00AM TO SMELL IF I’VE BEEN DRINKING!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL RIGHT, HERE’S TRUE STANDISH WHO’S WITH HIS FIANCEE, CORINA CANCER, TO SAY A FEW WORDS!!!!!!!!!!!”

“HEY HOW ARE YA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHITTY????? BONFIRES WITH COACHES THAT USE THE CAMPFIRE TO TORCH HIS BUTT WILL DO THAT!!!!!!! BUT WE’VE GOT A CHANCE AGAINST OAKWOOD BUT I WON’T BE THERE!!!!!!!! ME AND CANCER MOUTH ARE HEADING TO THE BAHAMAS FOR OUR HONEYMOON AND SOME MORE PITCH AND CATCH!!!!!!! GOTTA RELAX!!!!!!!! AND COACH THORP NEEDS TO GO SOMEWHERE ELSE LIKE TOD ANDREWS DID. THE CHANGE OF SCENERY MIGHT DO HIM SOME GOOD SINCE HE CAN’T COACH A BOY SCOUT GROUP TO BUILD A FIRE OR MAKE PAR. HE’S ALWAYS WELCOME TO FLY WITH US TO THE BAHA-“

“GET OUT OF HERE AND BUILD YOUR OWN FIRE!!!!!!!!!! NOBODY DUMPS MATCH LITE FLUID ON MY FACE LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!! YOU THINK KIDS THESE DAYS WOULD HAVE SOME RESPECT!!!!!!!!! I ONLY TOOK TEN SICK DAYS LAST YEAR!!!!!!!!!! NOW HERE’S DR. PEARL AND COACH KAZ WITH SOME WORD’S OF WISDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“LET US HEAR YOU!!!!!!!!!!! GOOD AND LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RA RA REE!!!!!!!!

KICK OAKWOOD IN THE KNEE!!!!!!!

RA RA RASS!!!!!!!!!!

KICK OAKWOOD IN THE OTHER KNEE!!!!!!!!!

LET’S SAY IT AGAIN

RA RA REE!!!!!!!!!!!!

KICK OAKWOOD IN THE KNEE!!!!!!!!!!!

RA RA RASS!!!!!!!!!!!!

KICK COACH THORP IN THE ASS!!!!!!!!!!!”

“NOW WAIT A MINUTE, I WANT VIM AND VIGORRRRRRRRRRRRR BUT DR. PEARL, YOU’RE OUT OF CHARACTER WITH YOUR SWEARING AND COACH KAZ, YOU’RE JUST OUT OF CHARACTER!!!!!!!!! AND ANOTHER THING-“

“WE GOT A TEAM

WE GOTTA YELL

WE GOT A COACH

WHO COACHES LIKE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!”

“STOP THE CHEERING!!!!!!!!!!! I WON’T HAVE MY COACHING DRAGGED THROUGH THE MUD-“

“WE GOT A TEAM

WE GOTTA YELL

WE GOT A COACH WHO

TEACHES THE KIDS THE GAME OF GOLF AND HAS SEX ON THURSDAYS WITH HIS WIFE AND RIDES THE MILFORD TRANSIT BUS AND DEALS WITH QUARTERBACK CONTROVERSIES THE WAY HE BURIES HIS HEAD IN THE WATER COOLER

LIKE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Kaz, I only rode the bus that one time when you were taking me home from practice and your car had a flat.”

Shout-out to The Bookworm in Corydon, Indiana. This place has a wide variety of used books and many times, I go to town on the selections it has. The other day, I got “The Name of the Rose” and “The Canterbury Tales” and usual collection of Louis L’Amour westerns. And I got a book I have always wanted to read “The Incredible Journey”, the story of two dogs and a cat that go over 200 miles to find their way home. Laurie Kirkham, the owner, is always there with a friendly face. Sounds like a winning business to me. Heck, throw in the Diet Coke out of the fridge I always buy and I walk out of the store a happy camper. Great place for your favorite reads.

Support Small Business, Gang. Go where everybody knows your name. Laurie knows mine.

And I am lampooning the fire because that’s a five-alarm job in my neck of the woods. I guess it’s okay for Corina Cancer and Becca to savor a Volleyball Teammate Moment as long as the Lake of Fire stays on stage. There’ll be a lot of sun-tanned fans at the Oakwood game.

And I suppose Corina Cancer never lit my fire Eiffel Tower High but don’t tell me she hasn’t been to a pep rally like this. She catches True’s grapefruits practically blindfolded and has the agility of a puma when playing catcher but acts like a deer in the headlights when she’s at an outdoor pep rally? You literally need to get out more.

SHOUT IT

SHOUT IT

SHOUT IT OUT LOUD

YOU GOTTA HAVE A PARTY

“Gil, the kids are sleeping. And take off those heels. They’re ruining the carpet.”

I just love these M.C. Escher perspectives, like what we’re seeing in P3. Is that the Oreo sky that is surrounded by the redwoods and the Empire State Building or is the snow-blanketed sky surrounding some black ugly-as-sin Christmas tree that is hanging upside-down and has a few bulbs burned out on the branches? Ray Bradbury used his imagination but the sky was the sky, not a backdrop that could go either way. I’ll guess the sky is the black thingy eavesdropping out of nowhere but I should never have to flip a coin like Thorpiverse is forcing me to do.

And as our heroes are entering Oakwood Cineplex, er, Stadium, I have worked for my dad in an engine core shop for 40+ years and I have NEVER seen a school bus disguised as a Sherman tank. That’s right, as soon as this bus drops the players off at the game, it has to head straight to Omaha Beach to retake Normandy. It should be back after Rommel surrenders to Eisenhower.

Recently, I was broken-hearted to see one of the play horses temporarily (so they say) removed from a major department store

“Giddyup, little dogie, take me hommmmmeeee-hey, where’s Barky?”

Mimi, at Milford Wal-Mart, knows where this?is going

“Oh, darn, Gil. They must have sent it in for repairs. Now you’ll have to come home if you want a good time. I cleaned the sheets on the bed this morning.”

“This ain’t right!!!!!!!!!!!! I had Kiss’s “Destroyer” all ready to get me worked up and the horsey was going to be the appetizer.”

“Well, yoi know what they say. Sometimes you can’t ride the horse that bucks you.”

“Honey, I’m going to get my Significant Other worked up, one way or the other, hey, I recognize that song…”

LOVE ME LOVE ME

SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME

“Mommy, why is Daddy dancing on the electric wheelchair?”

“If I had an answer to that, NONE of my referees would back out on their contracts. GIL!!!!!!!!! GET OFF THAT CONVEYOR BELT WHEN PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO BUY THEIR GROCERIES!!!!!!!!”

YOUNG MAN

PUT YOUR PRIDE ON THE SHELF


Y!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! M!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! C!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Man, all this disco’ing is working up a sweat but I’m still flatter than a cornfield. Maybe if the Wal-Mart Radio Network played “Midnight Train to Georgia-“

“Gil, let’s head to the pharmacy and get those EREC-3500 Peppermint Fun Tablets. You shouldn’t have run out of those dosages. If I had known, you wouldn’t be making a fool out of yourself.”

“Is that why Daddy is humping the kiddie seat in the shopping cart?”

“My wife was right, as usual. And with those cool tastes like EREC-3500 Blueberry Bombadier or Raspberry Rapture or Honeycomb Hunching, I don’t have to swallow the Same Old Thing with a cup of water. And when the Raspberry Rapture kicks in, it’s like going through the orchard with an erection. I can’t say that when we shop for rhododendrons at Milford Nursery. Come see what you’ve been missing and get it OTC, now at your nearest major retailer. Isn’t it time to get off YOUR horse and conquer your ED problems?”

God bless you, Gang. I’m not jumping in that fire for you but it’s the thought that counts.

YOU KNOW WE’VE STOMACHED ALL THIS THROUGH

YOU KNOW THAT WE WOULD ALL BE LIARS

IF WE WERE TO KID OURSELVES

THE ‘LARKS WILL THROW GIL IN THE FIRE

C’MON, T-VERSE, LIGHT THIS FIRE

C’MON, T-VERSE, LIGHT THIS FIRE

C’MON, T-VERSE, WE’RE UNINSPIRED

TRY TO SET THE TRASH ON

FIRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I WANT MORE VIM AND VIGORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

“Gil, take your Lemon Live tablet and come to bed.”

September 21, 2020

Bonfire?

These are the two quarterbacks, right? I don’t remember what they look like. Let’s say they’re Rapson and Thayer, but I’m not gonna swear I know which is which. The point is that one of them has now caught a glimpse of Corina and he’s interested. The other one wonders if he might get a leg up on the QB competition if his rival is smitten by the Milford “it girl”.

It’s all about Corina, friends. We’d better just get used to it. She’s sassy and brassy, she’s a catcher, she’s a prospective volleyball player, everybody’s talking about her and she’s just getting warmed up at Milford High School.

So could we tear our attention away from Corina for one panel so we can show this flippin’ bonfire? We can cut back to Corina afterwards as she stares into the flames, consumed with impulses to make the world BURN!

ETA: I just read of the sudden passing of Bill Bickel, aka CIDU Bill, who wrote the Comics I Don’t Understand blog. (It’s been over there among the Comics Mockage Posse links since the early days of TWIM.) I was not a regular reader, but I dipped in from time to time and enjoyed Bill’s unique angle on comics blogging. RIP CIDU Bill.

September 19, 2020

Get Started, Start a Fire

Filed under: Bonfire!, exposition comics, football, Milford Weirdos, Oakwood, Volleyball — teenchy @ 1:02 pm

A bit of revisionist history to start today’s strip. Bonfires before the football season opener are a Milford tradition except when they’re not. As for that “clobbering,” a 14-7 win is hardly Ben Grimm worthy, and there have been years when Oakwood has beaten Milford, most recently in 2018 when Tod Andrews sneakily called time out to negate a blocked field goal. There hasn’t been a Mudlark blowout of the Owls in some time, at least not since 2014. (This is where I place a call to the Milford SID to confirm; billy, you there?)

Good call on Corina’s part, pointing out how girls’ sports take a back seat in Milford. Fight the patriarchy, girl!

Looks like the student body is gonna sacrifice those two dueling dipshits at quarterback to ensure a Mudlark victory. Why else would they be atop some wooden scaffolding? To scope out girls, of course. Which girls? Not Becca Ramirez, she’s old news. What about that little fire hydrant shaped girl? She’s new around here. Let’s see those two losers start another competition – this time, for Corina. Then the sparks should fly.

September 18, 2020

Clown college

Filed under: Bonfire!, football, Gil Thorp — robmize2013 @ 7:26 pm

The 2 linemen have their own ideas on who should be the starting qb, and by now Gil should know. Instead of playing golf and drinking lemonade all summer he shouldve been doing 7 on 7 drills to hone everyones skills and more easily identify the better signal caller. But we know how that went.

P3 has our friend Corina and her unnamed buddy walking to the annual bonfire in broad daylight – she clearly doesnt want to go based on her dialogue, but maybe she’ll have fun. Obviously at Valley Modified they burned people at the bonfires. Hey, even Corinna doesnt like this boring storyline.

Finally, I’m going camping again next weekend (not as far this time, to Thomson Waterways near the Mississippi River) , where I’m sure we wont have gale force winds to stop us from kayaking this time. So Joan Rivers (aka Teenchy) will gladly fill in for me to continue this nonsense, and by the time I get back, the QB battle will have been solved, to the relief of all concerned..

September 17, 2020

Charles Rapson Is The First String Water Boy And That’s Final!!!!!!!

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:32 pm

Camera zooming in on Coach Thorp and his charges

“He’s going to finally lay down the law, knowing his false teeth won’t pop out and get lodged in the linebacker’s shoulder pads. Coach Thorp had to use a mouth guard to coach the rest of practice. With the new Poly-Grip Advanced Formula Adhesive Gel, embarrasing mishaps like his dental work buried in a pile of grass while Luhm was mowing the rest of the field are a thing of the past like Tod Andrews. Confidence is so key when coaching off the cuff so it’s important to have all your ducks in a row. What kid will listen to you when you’ve been wining and dining, then coming to practice with your corn on the cob thoroughly shucked? You won’t get a kid to hit a tackling dummy after out dentures have been disgraced. Come try this new state-of-the-art Poly-Grip today. Also available in Fluoride Protection. One must cover all the bases.”

And why is it even necessary to yell your damn dentures off at a group of high school football players who have been quiet about the standoff between Rapson and Thayer? Talk about raising a stink where there’s no Gil. This Napoleonic tirade is unnecessary and stupid. When the Americans fought at Iwo Jima, there were soldiers from the other side. We didn’t go shooting our machine guns at palm trees that thought THEY deserved the starting QB job. I’d hate to put Gil in charge of our National Security, especially nuclear weapons. Finland would get nuked because they were arguing with Sweden over a disputed soccer match. Send a couple of ABM’s because some midfielder got dubiously yellow-carded? Remind me to leave Gil out of the Mideast Peace Negotiations. Pointing a finger at the players over this unnecessary and irritating QB controversy is like blaming Uruguay for the fighting between Israel and Syria in the Six-Day War.

His teeth didn’t fall out this time, I’ll give him that.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Rapson Cited At The Diner Over Coke Incident!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Why can’t I bring my own six-pack in the joint? It’s better than that swill Maureen sucks out of the Dr. Pepper canister.”

Thanks to Brian Tibbs of Mount Vernon, Illinois for help with this comedy idea. I plan on using more, Big Guy. He is an excellent worker at Freddy’s Steakburgers who is very customer-oriented. Treat him with respect, Folks. He’s earned it.

Then WHAT IS THIS WITH THE VAGUE GENERALITIES?????? Yeah, sic ’em, Tiger.

First off, the players have been practicing, Coach, not sitting on a tackling dummy with a jock strap wedged in their hind end contemplating who’s going to win the Battle of the Brats. Teamwork has a way of jettisoning concepts like that in the nearest trash can. If you’ve been noticing any wondering, it has to have been confined to the two buttholes who evidently have forgotten that the only time “I” shows up in sports is in the word “win”. All the other players have been going in that same direction, wanting to “win”. Make a special note of that in your playbook that you still have in your office.

And I’d be holding my breath if I was told “I’m going to be on the field”. I wouldn’t take that to mean I’m going to be PLAYING. Heck, I might be shaking the hands of the team that shellacked us, 63-0, at the 50-yard line and you have fulfilled your end of the contract so you can go back to Happy Hour. Yup, better grab that shovel and scoop all the manure Coach dished out because I’ll spending more time with that than involved in any audibles. Would you at least make me a blocking back in punting situations? I’ll have something to tell my grandkids. I’d be hard-pressed to explain why I toted a shovel for 4 quarters.

“That’s right, kiddies, I made the key block when we kicked the winning field goal. And we found Coach Thorp’s teeth. They were underneath the clipboard.”

And Coach, you’ve established that Thayer will be STARTING but you have yet to confirm that Thayer will be the STARTING QUARTERBACK. Now I think it’s safe to say that Thayer won’t be kneeling under the benches to see if old chewing gum that lost its flavor is stuck to your dentures but that’s as far as I’m going. If he’s the quarterback, say HE’S THE QUARTERBACK.

Otherwise, he might be taking Heather’s old coaching position, for all we know.

Come to Jeff Smith Marathon in Edwardsville, Indiana. Crystal is ready and waiting for you with great gas, great services, and great prices. This place is always busy, busy, busy. They were bringing cars in to fix even as I was getting gas for my own vehicle. I’ll know where to go if I need my vehicle fixed. Gang, if you’re in the neighborhood, get on down here where you’ll be treated fairly. Sounds like a winner. Take I-64 until you get to Exit 118 in Indiana and get on Indiana 62 west until you hit the first road and turn left. The station is right there and can be seen from the freeway. There’s a reason why they are going strong and have for several years. Crystal and staff will show you why.

Support Small Business, Gang. You need to go where everybody knows your name. Crystal knows mine.

Now that Gil has laid the hammer down and averred once and for all that Will Thayer will be starting SOMEWHERE on the field, not ruling out the schmuck moving the chains down the field, we arrive at the part where the players are in Saturday Night Fever mode. The only missing piece to this puzzle now that the QB puzzle, THAT’S STILL A PUZZLE, has been resolved, is the disco ball that would be hanging somewhere between the two Serta pillows in the background (WHAT?????? No overarching trees that are engaged in some Bacchanalian orgy while the players are working on the two-minute drill????????) .

Of course, it’s important to promote team unity and P2 is certainly embodying that ideal, Coach Thorp’s turning a blind eye to the shenanigans between two selfish individuals and pretty much relaying that to Manwich Marjie notwithstanding (“I like mine microwaved.”) . But it is really hard for me, and I’m trying, believe me, to not visualize these same players not in synchronization to The Trammp’s “Disco Inferno”. And hit those tackling dummies hard with The Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive” piping hot from the speakers. Come to think of it, that may be the Mudlark Football team’s theme if Gil keeps rewarding guys with first string positions when they ought to be Stayin’ Alive on the bench. But that’s me talking. Yes, if you can stomach Gil’s BS and have Dentu-Creme ready on a short notice, you’ll be starting in the backfield, if push comes to shove.

Y!!!!!!!!!!!!!! M!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! C!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“DAMMIT, THAYER!!!!!!!!!!!! Wrap that tackling dummy!!!!!!!!!!!! Or the only time you’ll BE on the field is doing 100 push-ups!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In Dr. Pearl’s office on a typical school afternoon

“Oh, mercy, I found them!!!!!!!!!!! The day is saved.”

“You mean you found that student birth certificate that got lost in the Certified Mail?”

“No, I found my dentures under this shelf in the file cabinet where the Teacher Competency Rates are located. I’ll get Mr. Luhm to grease the wheels in the tracking so they won’t get lost like that again.”

Whoa Nelly. Did I just read that some player said Coach Thorp made a mistake? Where’s my eraser? How’d that get overlooked in the final draft?

I’ll admit that Coach Thorp spends more time with the bottle than his backs as of late but Zeus was imperfect too and I wouldn’t be risking my butt getting struck by a lightning bolt saying Zeus ought to get a real quarterback. Tell him he ought to dump Mimi and go back to Hera or Aphrodite? It’s your funeral.

And what are all these names being bandied about? Does Thorpiverse assume I can just get my phone book off the counter in the kitchen and find Gordon Generic in the White Pages? Sure, the next time I watch The Flintstones, I’ll just see if Mr. Slate is listed under “S”. Since the name isn’t as common as “Smith” or “Jones”, it should be easy to narrow it down to Alphonso Slate, Wilson Pickett Slate, James Brown Slate (Wasn’t he Live at The Apollo?) , Theolonius Slate, and Bubba Slate. I’ll take a wild stab and let the teeth fall where they may.

If they gotta use a Black and Decker drill ta yank a molar outta yore gums at the Milford Dentistry Conglomerates cuz sum of yore teeth is rotted on account of all those Oreos ya devoured, ya might be a redneck.

And in P3, somebody FINALLY notices that THERE IS NO “I” IN THE WORD “TEAM”. But why is that concept in the lap of a teenager racing at the speed of light and apparently lost in Gil’s World? The Flash knows something Zeus, I mean, Gil doesn’t know? It’s hard to say the players take the wins, the coaches take the losses when Gil hasn’t been around to even take offense, and that’s saying something.

And I’m not denying that there are good players like Gordon Slate (Mr. Slate’s grandson, found it in the phonebook below Gerard Slate) who put the team first but Gil has confirmed Thomas Jefferson’s Deist Theory, i. e., Zeus wound up the grandfather clock and just let it tick and carry out the game plan while Zeus went back to Hera for a century of hot sex. God, no wonder why everybody will be on the field. Who’s going to tell them to get OFF the field now that there’s nobody there to make the substitutions besides Tarzan the Kaz? Marty Moon? Peaches? Mr. Dr. Pearl? I’ve heard of going up or down as a team but not stretched for 100 yards.

At the Milford Diner one evening

“Why is Maureen carding Dr. Pearl at the door? This place doesn’t sell alcohol.”

“The way I hear it, Dr. Pearl insists on bringing in her own Mountain Dew. She says the stuff here tastes like Palmolive.”

Thanks again to Brian Tibbs.

And somebody needs to give Thorpiverse a crash course in Physics. When a player rams into a dummy as in P3, the vibrations and ramifications thereof do not spring back on the player and spit in his face or you’d have water all over your face every time you dropped a rock in Mudlark Lake from the rental canoe. No, vibrations spread outward, not recoiling like a shotgun on your shoulder every time you shot at Gil for running practice too long. But I’m Team Mudlark even if I get grass backlashing on me even if Luhm is going TOWARDS me in his Snapper riding mower.

Because I am really not sure what to do if I wanted to enter T. Drew’s Firebranded Vodka in a vodka rating contest at my neighborhood liquor store

“The Bucket is at it again with their smear campaigns to drag Milford Beverage Warehouse into a vat of warm beer just to hold up their own reputation. They can score the TD and do the Ickey Shuffle all they want but our customers know where to go for the finest of the fine. When you go to Yankee Stadium, you have a right to expect pinstripes, not Bermuda shorts.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp speaking for the Warehouse and let me tell you, some people will stick firecrackers in our running back’s shorts just to get him out of the lineup. And that’s exactly what The Bucket did when they were turned down again by the Milford Zoning Commission on their application for a liquor license. Instead of shaking the hands of the players across the field who handed your ass on a plate, 71-0, The Bucket kicked the winning coach right in the crotch.

They said our recent Warehouse Vodka Verve Expo was just simply a ruse to get our customers to buy the stuff and forget it. That we had a lot of it on clearance and we needed to free up more space for the two trucks that come in every Wednesday.

The Bucket needs to stick to burgers and sometimes they don’t pan-fry those at the correct temperature. I know I’ll never order medium-rare with a fifth of Jack. The truth is, we wanted to showcase to the world our finest selections of vodka and naturally, if we could get some chump change along the way, you’re damn straight we were glad we could pay the light bill for another month. Did you ever see the meter reading on a Friday night?

So let me get the King of Beers of Vodka out of the way. We blindfolded some customers at a table up front with various vodkas in different sizes and shapes of cups and threw in a couple of confederates. If a guy or gal could taste the difference between vodka and Nestle Quik, we assumed he or she knew their liquor. And the winner as judged worthy of burning your lungs or your butthole when you’re sitting on the pot was Smirnoff #21 Vodka. And at $15.99, you are going to take home something you could substitute for champagne at your next wedding.

Then in the category as Vodka With The Most Kick was New Amsterdam. And when we had to help one of our blindfolded contestants up out of the Chester Cheetah display case after sampling said product, I’d say that bad boy lived up to its reputation. The janitor scooping up the Chee-tos off the floor for 1/2 hour thought so anyway. And you’re gonna get a little more with the $17.99 you pay with your debit card. That’s right, Jay’s Subs does more than immoderate baseball charity events, they also do Vodka contests and will throw in a free Turkey & Swiss Footlong Combo complete with Lay’s Baked Chips and a drink. Shoot, you can use your Dr. Pepper as a chaser.

Then in the Vodka That Tasted Like Somebody Pee’d In The Cup category, Absolut Vodka won in a runaway. You heard right, they ran to the roped-off bathroom that that same janitor was scrubbing when he wasn’t cleaning somebody’s Chee-tos off off the tile floor and got their money’s worth in stall #3. But at $14.99, you just gotta get used to the taste. The Bucket claimed we actually pee’d in the cup. Hey, I’ll drink it in front of you or the Milford Zoning Commission if it’ll make you happy.

And in the category of Vodka I’d Substitute For Budweiser At My Next Super Bowl Party, the winner was Svedka. Goodness gracious, I’ll have to special-order a couple of bottles the next time the Super Bowl is on the boob tube when I’m shopping for Totino’s Pizza Rolls or DiGiorno Pepperoni. It pays to be well-stocked on all the groceries for the Main Event. I bet my buddies will be thrilled to watch Montana or Bradshaw throw the winning score with that Dixie cup of Absolut and a Red Baron Italian Sausage in their hands.

Finally, in the category of Vodka I’d Substitute For Jim Beam, well don’t you know Smirnoff won again, this time in a walk. It’s always nice when you can sip on the finer things in life but when you can exchange gold bars for a checkbook, it all spends, right? But it’s nice to know I don’t have to lug gold bars around in my station wagon.

The Bucket can print what it wants. The Expo was a smash hit and only proves that if you can’t run with the big dogs, stay on the porch and don’t bother attending any more zoning meetings. And if you flip tuna burgers for a living, you know what you want to be when you grow up. Come find out what The Adult World is all about at Milford Beverage Warehouse and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, thank you one more time for your patience. You know these Vodka Tastes Tests can run a little over but I got a bargain, and some Chee-tos from The Warehouse.

God bless you, Gang.

“Joe, after you get done buffering aisle 2, would you mind sweeping under the Milford Farms Pre-Cooked Bacon display case? There’s still some loose Chee-tos and I don’t want to attract the bugs.”

“I’m on it.”

At The Diner during lunch hour

“Maureen, remember that customer that ordered Pork Chops and Green Beans Delight? He brought in his own A & W Root Beer cans.”

“I’m on it.”

Older Posts »

Blog at WordPress.com.