This Week in Milford

August 16, 2022

This Plot Would Be Okay On Any Other Day.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:35 pm

There’s a house on my street

It’s riddled with trees

I’m the coach who loafs in it

There’s a bar on the corner

Bartender is sweet

I’ll keep it all platonic

And when my wife skips town

To a crappy beach

I’ll look for a place to sit

My wife has burned the scrambled eggs

The cat just bit my leg

My teenage daughter cops a ‘tude

My fine young son eats ice cream with his ‘ludes

And it would be okay on any other day

I went to the vaults once more and I hope you whippersnappers understand. With this sudden change in direction of the strip, it was only apropos that “Reggatta de Blanc”, the classic from The Police, step up to the mike and address this Soap Opera by the Bay.

We finally learn Mimi’s Christian name, although is anybody really thrilled with how we learn it? Keri emitting her Valley Girl response? Yeah, Emily, don’t leave Gil hanging, I couldn’t stand to microwave another Banquet Chicken Pot Pie and leave it in the oven for him to have some semblance of dinner while you’re reading No Exit by Jean-Paul Sartre on a sandy beach next to a bunch of crabs glissading toward’s my brother’s popsicle. Emily, ain’t you got no manners or grammar?

And issues? The only time Emily left Gil in times of yore was when she traveled with the team for a weekend volleyball tournament. If she stayed with her mother, it was only because the tournament was in her mother’s town. Otherwise, Emily stayed in a hotel, single bed, naturally. I realize that everyday issues confronting families help boost the ratings and I’m sure readers will be on the edge of their seats when Emily leaves Gil for the milkman and elopes to her mother’s house and sleeps in the basement and divorces the milkman to go back to Gil because she can’t stand “lactose breath” and they air out their differences before Gil goes out and gets his butt kicked by Bluto and has to stay in Emily’s mother’s basement until the Loser Leaves Milford hoopla blows over.

But many of us read this strip to escape the realities of everyday living. Now Gil and Mimi are one of the plaintiffs on Milford Divorce Court. Instead of Sonny and Cher singing “You Better Sit Down, Kids”, Gil and Mimi are singing this karaoke at Milford Lounge with Beth the Bartender being the DJ. God forbid they share the same front page on the Milford Enquirer with Princess Di and Prince Charles. Gil and Mimi are sharing the same pig sty with the rest of us. Does Marty Moon own a marraige counselor license? Oh my God, no, never mind.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Mr. Dr. Pearl Steps Away From Audition As Back-Up Singer For Upcoming Police Concert At Milford Outdoor Amphitheater!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“My Significant Other has several inconsistencies in her personality structure but she has never burned the scrambled eggs in all our centuries of marraige.”

Dr. Pearl listening on her 1929 RCA Walkman to “On Any Other Day” by The Police in her office

“Excuse me, can you direct me to Mr. Thorp’s office?”

“May I ask if you’re a coach?”

“No, an attorney.”

Mopman reminds me something else I wanted to mention which was Mimi using the terms Mommy and Daddy as if Keri was a member of Wee Pals. Don’t worry, Spanky, Alfalfa, Buckwheat, and Darla, I only called the lawyer to get a variance on the zoning for the built-in pool we wish to build in the backyard. If Daddy and I ever go our separate ways, you’ll be the first to know. We’ll go to Chuck E. Cheese’s to celebrate.

Mimi looks a bit tantalizing in her one piece suit, another example of the plotline getting spiced up a bit lately. But some things haven’t changed as exemplified by the return of The Shadow People embodied by Keri Thorp. She bears a striking resemblance to a svelte Stevie Wonder. Yeah, Keri wants to be a super woman and she may metamorph into Madonna one day. Hey, the seagulls look the part today, not the paper airplanes we used to throw around the room in 3rd grade reading class. Funny, because this Keri-turned-Madonna-wannabe reminds me of the time when Madonna came to Evansville, Indiana when “A League of our Own” was being filmed. Historic Bosse (like “bossy”) Field, one of the oldest baseball stadiums in the country, hosted many of the baseball scenes. Tom Hanks, a very popular actor, confirmed that notion when he would frequent House of Como, a popular Evansville nightspot (on the very southern edge of town before you head to Kentucky) , every night after shooting and hobnob with the rest of the cast and extras, many of them from Evansville, many times treating them to drinks .

Not Madonna.

She called Evansville “Prague” and refused to leave her trailer when the biggies weren’t shooting.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Keri Thorp Refuses To Enter Milford Middle School Spelling Bee, Even If Strongly Favored To Win!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Who cares if I win $100 gift certificate at The Bucket for winning the Milford Spelling Bee because I spelled ‘zebra’ correctly? Prague is Prague.”

August 15, 2022

Life’s A Beach

Filed under: Bare Midriffs, huge glasses, huge hats, Jami Thorp, Keri Thorp, metapost, Mimi Thorp — nedryerson @ 6:04 am

Here we are, visiting Mimi’s mother (who’s not doing well). Well, you can always swing by Shady Acres Assisted Living Facility, stop in for a quick visit, (Mother, you remember your grandchildren, Jami and Keri? No, sure you do. Remember how they would come visit you every summer? Of course you do, mother. Of course you do.) then get to the shore to enjoy the sun, the crashing of the waves and the absence of Gil Thorp. Seriously, did Mimi straight up lie to Gil?

For some insight on that last question, let’s turn our attention to the latest media appearance by new Gil Thorp writer, Henry Barajas. In this interview featured in The Daily Cartoonist, Henry says:

Something I’ve learned from better writers than myself is to never underestimate your audience—and the reader is always smarter than you. I intentionally leave things “vague” with the promise to follow it up.

So I guess we are smart enough to figure this out. I’m just going to say Mimi lied about her mother. But lying to your spouse and then involving the children is rather low. Maybe I’m not all that smart. By the way, if you read to the end of the interview with Henry, you’ll see that the Daily Cartoonist writer D.D. Degg (great name) throws in a link to TWIM and quotes teenchy’s last post. Wow, This Week in Milford is going places, after sixteen years. Today it’s The Daily Cartoonist (the source for industry news for the professional cartoonist), next up, who knows! (Hat tip to MopMan for calling attention to the TWIM shoutout.)

I don’t want it to sound like I’m throwing shade at Henry Barajas or D.D. Degg of The Daily Cartoonist. I love daily comics and the anticipation of cracking open a browser tab every morning to see what’s going on in Milford or Santa Royale wherever. (Yesterday’s Mary Worth was another one for the ages.) I salute these people who figure out how to pay the bills creating comics. I feel like “comics mockage” as Jason referred to it when he started TWIM is an outlet for our own creativity from the vantage point of the comic strip consumers. Does it veer off into some real aggro attitude sometimes? Maybe, but I think it’s mainly based on devotion to the strips. Am I being sincere here? I think the readers of TWIM are smart enough to know.

So let’s get back to the beach. Jami’s got an ice cream cone and there’s some sniping between him and Keri. Mimi’s reading a book in that classic pose that Whigham uses when the strip’s teen girls lay on their beds with their laptops. Keri is absorbed in her phone. We’ve yet to see the evidence that Keri is “missing her daddy”. We know her daddy has a flip phone and is a little unsure how to use it, so I doubt Ker is texting Gil. (If she was, would she have to keep up the visit Grandma charade? I’m having a hard time keeping the narrative I’ve created straight.)

August 13, 2022

Gil and Marty drinking together, mass hysteria!

Everyone who wanted to see some Milford CC action this summer, here it is – only golf is not involved! And you were expecting Luftstalag 13 after yesterday’s strip. Go grab your beverage of choice and settle in ’cause we’ve got a whole lot to unpack today.

  1. What exactly is Gil’s relationship with technology here? He takes great pride in having a flip phone but is oblivious to caller ID, which flip phones have? Okay, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he’s so antsy about the sitch with Mimi that he can’t be bothered to check to see who’s calling. So, then…
  2. …why can’t Gil meet with Marty while waiting for the call with Mimi? It’s not like he has to sit around Casa Thorp because, again, mobile phone and caller ID. Oh, wait. He’s not saying “Sorry, Marty. I have to stay home until I hear from Mimi,” he’s saying “Sorry, Marty. I thought you might’ve been Mimi.” How do we know this? Because…
  3. …the new writer told us as much on Gocomics this morning. I make it a point to not read the comments on Gocomics when I go there for screen grabs, mainly because I don’t want anyone else’s comments to color my take on the day’s strip. However, it was hard to avoid seeing and reading the comment from henryjbarajas* and not have it influence my take. TWIMers will also note that among his comments, he addressed the Martinez/Hernanndez snafu from earlier this week: “I messed up! It’s Martinez.” Kudos for not blaming Whigham or the colorists on that one. Maybe he’ll give guidance to them on uniform colors, too? Here’s hoping.
  4. That the writer of a daily comic strip is actively interacting with the strip’s readership speaks volumes, and in a positive way. Compare 9 Chickweed Lane and Pibgorn‘s Brooke McEldowney, who won’t even allow people to comment on the windows into his sexual kinks he passes off as comic strips. For us here at TWIM, this is big – even bigger than learning that The Real Vic Doucette was reading us. Will we be on our best behavior from now on? Nah.
  5. Back to plot analysis: Barajas isn’t doing anything to dissuade me from the notion that Gil and Marty have a Ralph/Sam working relationship. As much as Marty has slammed Gil on air over the years, is it possible that he has a shred of journalistic integrity when it comes to all things Thorp**…
  6. …or does he realize that, no matter how new or how sherrify the self-proclaimed new sheriff in town might be, that the Thorps are still the straws that stir the WDIG drink? Hearing Gil’s side of the story helps Marty cement his take that Martinez is a blowhard who likes his drink maybe a little too much. It also adds another layer to The Legend of Gil ThorpTM: Women want him, other coaches want to be him…
  7. …which makes his reveal and plea for help to Marty all the more stunning. Why the hell would Gil offer that up to Marty? Moon has always been beta male to Thorp; one only need look to the fall 2015 arc for evidence. Again, I fear this is going to lead to Gil camping out in Marty’s crate before football season is over, leading to a very Heather Burnsy conflict of interest. Unless, of course, Gil can crash at Kaz’s dojo. I’m still waiting to see what changes in character, if any, Barajas has in store for Kaz.

Well that’s about the longest post from me in ages, but there was just so much to digest today that I thought it merited my full attention. Hope it’s given you plenty to chew on. See you here with Ned on Monday.

* When I read the name “Henry J” my mind went immediately to the compact car built by Kaiser-Frazer in the early 1950s and named for the company founder, Henry J. Kaiser. This is because teenchy is old, but moreso because teenchy is kind of a gearhead. The Henry J predates me by a decade plus, but when I was growing up there was an old guy in my neighborhood who owned one. It was an old car by then and looked extremely out of place even compared to the 1950s cars and trucks still in everyday use. (One particularly sturdy Studebaker pickup truck comes to mind.) Henry Js weren’t very successful, and some of them got rebadged as Allstates and sold through Sears stores. Ponder that for a moment.

**Consider how Marty let B/Robby Howry hang himself on an open mic a la Lonesome Rhodes as an example. Chalk this one up as a point of continuity between the Rubin and Barajas regimes.

August 12, 2022

Krink! Wasnt he on Hogans Heroes?

…Of course not, that would be Klink, the bumbling Kommander of Stalag 13. I started watching the show more recently as I frankly didnt even understand it as a kid, and it was on before my time anyway. The humor is still a bit tough to follow, as the accents and the dated references combine for some head scratching even now, and I didnt care for war shows anyway. Good thing I have Tivo, as I can rewind something to hear it again if need be. Was never my kind of show, but I just Love the theme song, and Ive said for years it should be our national anthem, rather then the hard-to-sing version we have. (And I dont recall Richard Dawson having such an accent when he was saying “Survey Says!!!” on Family Feud, which is what I know him for.)

The podcast concludes with Martinez announcing he’s gonna take over the Valley and squash Thorps teams to the point that Gil retires. But arent we still living in the past here? What year is all this taking place? Because for darn sure there aint no Martinez coaching Valley High now. And its not like Gil is rolling over these teams; on the contrary he’s barely .500 over the last 10 years or so, if you throw out the 2016 state title.

So again we have issues with time and place in this new era of Milford athletics. And Marty is off to find Gil and get his take on the new ass-kicker in the Valley.

And for sure, that hasnt changed. Strike up the band!

August 11, 2022

Are Your Fingers Frostbitten Here In Hell?

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:10 pm

Let me get this out of the way now. Don’t call them The Eagles. They have insisted for eons they are simply Eagles.

That said, they were a very popular and really a flat-out consummate Classic Rock band with classics like “Takin’ it Easy”, “Hotel California”, “Peaceful Easy Feelin'”, and “Tequila Sunrise”. Factor in Joe Walsh’s “In The City” (Walsh joined the band in the late ’70’s, his scorching guitar prominent on “Hotel California”) , and you had a winning formula.

The problem, as typical when several human beings are on the road forever with little time for R & R, was that everybody was getting on everybody’s nerves. When they broke up in 1980, Don Henley, the drummer, was asked if they would ever reunite. Henley snappily replied “When Hell freezes over.”

So they went their separate ways. Henley scored hits with “The Boys of Summer” and “The End of the Innocence”. Glenn Frey, the lead guitarist and co-writer with Henley on much of Eagles’ songlist, scored solo gems with “The Heat is On” and “You Belong to the City”. Joe Walsh released solid albums such as “There Goes The Neighborhood” (which included the Classic Rock hits “Life of Illusion” and “The River Runs Dry”) and “You Bought It, You Name It”.

Travis Tritt got the ball rolling, unwittingly, on a reunion. In 1994, members of Eagles agreed to play with Tritt several of their songs in concerts intended partially as a tribute which prompted all involved about a possible Eagles revival. Some ‘i’ dotting and ‘t’ crossing brought that revival to a reality. When Frey, Henley, Walsh, plus Timothy B. Schmit and Don Felder got back on stage, Frey sent the fans reeling in laughter when he announced “Folks, we just took a 14-year vacation.” The tour was aptly named “Hell Freezes Over Tour”.

Hell is most definitely freezing here in Milford as Marty Moon is staunchly defending Gil Thorp. When did anyone EVER see Marty Moon take the high road? I understand Japanese tourists are taking snapshots of this Frigidaire In Hades moment and taking it back to their homes to stick in their scrapbooks.

I was expecting yesterday’s panel to just be a speed bump and Marty to come to his senses today ready for venom and tell Luke Lunkhead “I was just funnin’ with you. Did Beth the Bartender take off her clothes?”. But nooooooooooooo, Marty is serious in his Gallant role, shelving his Goofus role that has served him well for 60 years and stashing it under the interview table. What are they going to do now, schedule a Jousting Tournament in the WDIG parking lot to defend Gil’s honor? That’d be like Alexander Hamilton, a staunch Federalist, agreeing to a duel with Aaron Burr because Burr issued some slurs about the AFL-CIO chief’s mother. Don’t you talk about that union steward’s extramarital affairs, Burr, if you don’t want me to pump you full of buckshot here in these New Jersey woods. I have my principles.

Sure you do, Marty.

Speaking of Gil and his wife (for now) , there was a hilarious sign posted in the Black Forest in Germany, evidently by a German who was still getting his Ph.D. in the English Language, that read

“It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different gender, for instance men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.”

In other words, you Martians can violate each other all you want with no notarized proof of matrimony needed as long as you remember to put out the campfire when you fly back to Mars, but everybody else better keep their pants on and/or sleep in separate tents if you can’t provide the proper documents. Don’t let that legal piece of paper get lost in the bag with the rest of the marshmallow packages. And marrying not out of love but because you were tired of snoozing under the sink at Milford Soup Kitchen and wanted a warmer place to sleep is Verboten.

Anyway

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp And Wife Detained By BundesRepublikPark Polizei Concerning Legal Issues At Schwarzwald Camping Area!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Polizei Spokesperson: ‘Herr Thorp claimed he is married to Fraulein Mimi and lost his marriage license at Customs. They were in heavy petting in the pup tent when we staged the raid.”

Of course, Luke Leatherhead For Lack Of An Appropriate Latino Name has to make this a standoff. What were we to expect otherwise? Like Luke Leatherhead had attended Milford Dale Carnegie Institute and was going to choose his words carefully. He did a better job choosing the barber who shaved his arms. Geez, did the barber use a rolling pin? Be that as it may, Luke Leatherhead is not about to back down and judging by the tone, if this were Milford Lounge, Marty would have a barstool smashed over his head. I reckon that’s better than Luke Leatherhead’s barber attempting to trim Moon’s beard with a Play-Doh knife.

Ten paces by the WDIG dumpster, turn and fire your paintball gun. Loser apologizes and cleans the winner’s just-smeared outfit. And buys the sloppy joes at the two-a-days.

If ya kin turn up yore marriage cert’ficate outta the deer ya just gutted at Milford Fish & Wildlife Area and keep the conservation office frum throwin’ you and yore honey’s derry-ays in the can, ya might be a redneck.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Calls Attorney, Agrees To House Arrest In Schwarzwald Cabin Until Further Notice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Polizei Spokesperson: ”They have been instructed to take showers at least half an hour from each other. Also, a deputy will occasionally drop in at night to ensure they sleep in separate bunks.”

Okay, Marty, stop kidding around. We know you went to the altar at the Billy Graham Crusade at Milford Outdoor Amphitheater and decided to turn over a new leaf. You received a shiny new Bible and a Chick Publication tract “How to Survive the First Year as a Child of God in Milford”. ANOTHER panel where you are bearing the cross for Coach Thorp? Thank God I remembered to brew some more coffee.

Being a Christian, I’ll admit I do EVERYTHING to encourage a person to grow in the Faith. I won’t die on the Cross, that’s already been done, but I try to do my part to help another newborn in Christ.

But how long are we to actually believe that Marty would crusade for Coach, especially when it appears he’s just trying to shut up a loudmouth? Okay, Luke, Gil’s a cheat but he still showed a 103-year-old doyen from Tunisia how to putt at MCC. He pulls talons from baby eagles but I saw him at the bowling alley fixing the structures during bumper bowling. Let’s call a truce, Luke. Wanna head to Coffee Cantina after I sign off?

But maybe Lucifer was allowed to return to Paradise. He’ll just have to enter through the back door.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Court Date At Local StadtsGericht Yet To Be Determined!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thorp’s Attorney Taking Late Flight On Lufthansa Out Of LaGuardia!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“An eyewitness informed me he saw my legal document floating in the Nordsee. A fisherman was summoned to fish from the brine. Thank God, he was within the territorial waters.”

In Dr. Pearl’s living room, she and Mr. Dr. Pearl waltzing to Fleetwood Mac’s “Rattlesnake Shake”

“Honey Bun Snicker Doodle Lollipop Loving Butterfly Belching Endearment of Mine, don’t you remember when we danced to Joe Cocker’s “With a Little Help from my Friends” on Mr. Yasgur’s farm? We were the center of attention.”

“Surely. We were the only ones that could inhale and still perform the Fox Trot.”

Don’t even go there, Luke Leatherhead. No way are you in Mensa. My own father just blasted his SAT’s when he was in school so it’s not like I haven’t been exposed to academia and while I concede that you’re no dummy, I’m not conceding you aced the Literature portion of the Mensa Take Home Exam that you slobbered through at Milford Lounge during intermission in the Pool Double-Elimination Tournament. I wouldn’t be surprised that you had to have a tutorial from a couple of your linemen after football scrimmage when you approached the Math section. It’s a shame Luhm wasn’t gilding the floors at Valley Tech. He could have given you pointers on the Essay part. Checked for spelling anyway.

But that’s Thorpiverse for you. Trying to turn Wile E. Coyote into Albert Einstein. Oh, Mr. Coyote might obtain Einstein’s hair in the end what with all the hair drawn around his corporeal structure eventually ending up on his crown. Otherwise, this is a farcical Bugs Bunny cartoon heading for the trash can.

And what’s even funnier, Luke Leatherhead’s bogus assertions bring back memories of a Wile E. cartoon when he tries to subdue Bugs Bunny, all the while claiming he’s a genius and that Bugs is no match for his intellectual superiority. Naturally, many of Wile E.’s schemes backfire and make him look like an idiot rather than remembering that a genius does not need to prove it.

That’s why I shudder when I think of the possibilities. Imagine, if you will, Luke Learherhead stuffing a dead fish in Gil’s pants while Gil is flirting with Beth the Bartender but while Luke Leatherhead is proclaiming throughout the bar that Gil forgot to take his Tums today and therefore has serious gas problems, Gil stands up, the fish squirts out of his pants and lands in Luke Learherhead’s martini. The EPA official just happens to be sitting next to him and orders the bouncer to throw Luke Leatherhead out or he’s shutting down the joint. Luke Leatherhead and the dead fish both get thrown towards the handicap parking space of the bar. Thank goodness no car is parked there or the dead fish might have its entrails strewn all over the parking lot.

Or Luke Leatherhead calls Mimi anonymously and informs her that he saw Gil and Beth the Bartender riding the same rollercoaster at Six Flags over Milford. Then Luke Leatherhead gives Gil and Beth the Bartender free passes that he received when Luke Leatherhead guessed the right answer on WDIG’s DIG for DOLLARS when the latter called him at home but Gil and Beth the Bartender see underprivileged kids playing sandlot volleyball and give the tickets to them, even making sure Milford Transit Authority gets them to the park before it opens and then they both go their separate ways. When Mimi sees that Gil isn’t cheating on her at the log flume, she stuffs Luke Leatherhead’s head in the cotton candy machine, permanently damaging his Magic Johnson facial hair.

What the heck, while Wile E. Coyote is fresh in my mind, how about the Road Runner Theme parodying Luke Lunkhead? You old-timers KNOW this Looney Tunes classic

That Luke Lunkhead’s really a crazy clown

When will he learn he never can mow Gil down

Poor little bartender never bothers anyone

Just mixing Wallbangers her idea of having fun

Luke Lunkhead

Gil Thorp is after you

Luke Lunkhead

If he outscores you, you’re through

At the Schwarzwald GemeinschaftGebaude one afternoon

“Mimi, you want anything at the snack bar?”

“Do they have cheeseburgers?”

“I’m not sure. Herr PolizeiBeamte, can she go with me to check the prices?”

“Stay at least 2 meters apart and no eating the Wienerschnitzel together at the same table.”

What in the world is that woman doing traipsing by the interview session???? Hey, honey, guess who I ran into when I was getting milk and eggs at the store.

We are definitely taking artistic liberties here and I wouldn’t be surprised if we didn’t see mall walkers making the rounds should this interview were to continue past a decent hour. Really, is the station manager going to drop in and ask who didn’t flush the toilet in the first floor men’s room? Somebody dumped a Moby Dick in the commode and didn’t bother to wash his hands. Left poop stains all over the blow dryer. Oh, are you still on the air?

The cattle drive towards the Milford Stockyards should be coming along anytime. You might want to turn down the mike, Marty.

Then Luke Lunkhead starts being a crazy clown by just being a jerk. Marty is asking legitimate questions because fans are curious who the QB is going to be and what to expect from the season, plus a take on game situations. But Luke Lunkhead dumped a Moby Dick of his own and we are left to our imagination. Okay, Luke, players from Valley Tech will flip off the opposing team at the coin flip and you are going to run the Picket Fence. Four passes before you establish your running game and you’ll be running the Wishbone with your grandmother as the tailback. You’ll hire a concession stand worker to be a referee at halftime when the regular official can’t mark the ball right. Did we cover everything? Oh, free popsicles to the players after the game if the team wins.

“The state troopers have to separate Gil and Luke and are being ordered to their sides of the field. We should have a football game in a few moments. They managed to convince Luke to put the shotgun away. We’ll be back for kickoff after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Marty was right, Luke Loser and I got into it but I let my game do the talking. Just ask Mimi when we go to bed. She knows when it’s time to perform, I shake better than Beth the Bartender mixing martini on the rocks. I bet Luke get’s jiggy with it only when the bouncer threatens to throw him out. You need to do better with your mouth and at dart raffles, Luke.

But I didn’t get on the air to discuss my sexual escapades on the 50-yard line. Mimi knows I’ll come through on 4th-and-inches so I have better things to talk about. Hi, this is Coach Thorp with Milford Beverage Warehouse and these ladies at Milford Women’s Christian Temperance Union have been instigating protests in front of the Wink Martindale statue vowing that they will shut down our operations faster than you can say “Joker’s Wild”. Shouldn’t they be picketing in front of The Bucket since those chumps are corrupting the minds of youth with visions of sugarplums and Stroh’s? Even if they have bad lawyers?

Well, let me tell you, The Warehouse is taking no chances and is promoting the “Hell Freezes Over” campaign in cooperation with Eagles tour on parade with a stop in two weeks at Milford Outdoor Amphitheater. I guarantee you, giraffes will fly over Milford High School the day Milford Beverage Warehouse closes its doors because a bloc of little old ladies that came over to The Warehouse on account of Milford Rideshare Consortium pressured the owners to back down.

Come on, Aunt Bea, take a sip of Jack Daniels Rhode Island Brewed Premium Whiskey at a door-busting $24.99 and get your tickets to Eagles concert at Milford Outdoor with a drawing for a chance to meet the band backstage and tell me you are going to throw cherry bombs at Wink’s sculpture. You’d give up your chance to meet Joe Walsh or Randy Meisner so you can undergo a commando raid with the A Team on the Chee-tos? Where are your priorities?

How boutchoo, Granny Goody Two Shoes, you’d pass up a chance for free Snickers 10-Bar Bag with every purchase of Miller High Life 30-Pak plus two tickets to see Eagles at Milford Outdoor AND win a chance at Don Henley’s autographed drum kit? You don’t want his bass drum with his John Henry on it sitting proudly next to the family organ? At $20.99, I’d stick the whole damn drum set beside the Christmas tree when relatives come over. Hell, I’ll just lie and say I bought it when Henley had a yard sale. How are my relatives going to contact Henley to see if I’m telling the truth?

Yeah, Granny Clampett, you can throw possum juice all over Wink’s sculpture but that won’t get you any closer to Heineken 12-Pak at $15.99 with a free box of Hamburger Helper out of our grocery section plus all of Glenn Frey’s discography with a bonus track of Glenn playing ‘The Heat is On’ at Milford Nudist Colony. You need to go through the cashier with your Milford Beverage Warehouse Visa Gold if you want precious merchandise such as these. Leave your chicken gizzards back in Jed’s garage.

The forces of evil can crusade all they want but Milford Beverage Warehouse is prepared to answer Deus Lo Vole. This is one crusade the Normans won’t win and you the customers will enjoy the savings after the janitors sweep up the pillage. Come get your booze, Eagles tickets, and a peaceful easy feelin’ and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, I’ll stop writing about Gil’s sex life when Hell Freezes Over. I know it’s not very informative but that’s beside the point.

But God bless you, Gang.

At Milford Nudist Colony

“Mommy, Mr. Director said this place will shut down when Daddy flies on a giraffe in Hell. What does he mean?”

“Uhhhhhhhh, look Keri, there’s Don Felder. Here’s a pen, go get his autograph.”

At the Schwarzwald Park Ranger Office

“So you say you did nothing on the trails but pet the bears?”

August 10, 2022

Urban Thorp

Today it’s all flashback as Luke Martinez y Hernnandez spins his tale for Marty’s “podcast,” painting Gil as the Valley’s version of Urban Meyer.

To hear old Hairy Hand Luke tell it, he was quietly minding his own business, admiring his reflection in the carefully polished bar top and nursing his glass of 2% milk while he waited for Bethany the barkeep to pour him another. But where was Bethany? Leaping across the bar to get up in Gil’s grill – and Gil didn’t turn away! (The artwork doesn’t quite match the dialog, Chief.)

There’s a grain of truth in observing that Bethany might have a thing for Gil, but it wouldn’t have been easy for Knuckles there to pick up on it as much as he was running his mouth. If Marty lets this hit the podosphere, this might boil down to a he-said, she-said, with Gil flying Bethany in to cast the tiebreaker.

Marty sounds downright incredulous in response – which does not sound like Marty Moon at all! Kinda reinforces the notion that Gil and Marty have a Ralph and Sam-style working relationship. Looking forward to seeing Gil leave his doghouse for a round of Johnnie Walkers with Marty at Barney’s before this arc is through.

Special Guest Cameo: The role of Gil in P3 is being played by Bob Crane.

August 9, 2022

“Marty, I Saw Gil Steal Some Teenager’s Milkshake At The Bucket…”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:48 pm

Gil on

Gave his heart to somebody

Sheeeeeeeeee left town

Right away

As long as Bluto is going to run his mouth about all of Gil’s dirty laundry, I might as well insert a little ditty from Paul McCartney’s vintage album, Ram, which contained the hit Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey (“Haaaaannddsss across the water/Heaaadddddds across the sky…”) .

My o my, I agree with many of the TWIMers, the new writer is good as advertised but I think it’s going to take some time to get adjusted to this Wayne Newton version of Gil. I am scratching my noggin and trying to remember when Gil lived on the edge from a moral standpoint when Berrill took up the pen and it falls into the Strawberries in the Arctic Circle category. Not too much strawberry-pickin’ on the Baffin Islands.

I’ve told this before, Rod Serling, the brilliant host of The Twilight Zone and Night Gallery, was constantly battling the networks, particularly on the latter show. The networks wanted more horror, blood, and gore and Serling, while Night Gallery contained a significant portion of all three, still preferred the philosophical angle and who could blame him? It was a winning formula on The Twilight Zone. The issue went by the boards when Serling died on the operating table in 1975 during open heart surgery (He was a chain smoker deluxe) .

But it would be like the networks wanting to boost the ratings and trying to spice up some of the TV shows we grew up on or watch on reruns. And I understand but does anybody really care to watch Fred cheat on Wilma and elope with Mr. Slate’s wife? Yup, after he’s Yabba Dabba Doo’d off that dinosaur, he heads straight towards the Bedrock Bar and flirts with the bartender and drinks doubles on Tyrannosaurus Premium Whiskey. Boy, that’ll keep the boys and girls attention for half an hour. I bet their excitement will hit the roof when Fred gets pulled over for a DUI. That’s right, walk that straight line, Flintstone, if you want to see Pebbles again. Heck, I can smell that Jack on your breath with my squad car windows UP.

And you laugh (I’m assuming) but The Flintstones once had Winston cigarettes as one of their sponsors and therefore somehow got the producers of the show to do commercial shorts of the product. This just flat-out rankled churches and family organizations (PTA, for example) to no end and it was totally understandable. Believe me, comedians make jokes about Fred and Barney lighting up and smoking to their hearts content or the cigarettes per se dangling out of their mouths. Fred lighting Wilma’s cancer stick (my own father ABHORS smoking) with his own Zippo was walking Milford Comedy Caravan material. Yet, there it was like the wandering float that lost its way in the Rose Bowl Parade on the screen before the American public, children included. Winston, especially after Pebbles was introduced in 1963, wisely pulled their ads.

I’ll still be looking in the vaults of the Lost Brady Bunch Episodes. I might find Mr. Brady smoking weed with a few hippies at Max Yasgur’s farm when the Butterfield Blues Band is playing.

And really, when watching The Flintstones, I understand that liberties associated with anything rock-related were taken when naming celebrities who appeared on the show. Stony Curtis. Alvin Brickrock. Ann-Margrock. I have to admit as a kid that I LMAO when Fred’s mother-in-law, Mrs. Slaghoople, had her name uttered BUT as I got older understood it still stayed within character when naming characters.

That said

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Gil And Mimi To Work Out Differences, Divorce Still Out Of The Question!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I am far from ready from returning to my maiden name, Mimi Slaghoople. I am committed to better opportunities.”

Okay, okay, I will lay off the artwork today. It is quite good and represents what a real studio looks like. The DUFF beer is still a bit dubious but I’ll cut some slack as if that was Homer Simpson being interviewed, DUFF beer in his death grip.

And Frank scores an excellent point, the new writer has won over a bloc of the readers with his believable characters. And I also agree with Frank, sports unfortunately is a “What have you done for me lately?” business. My nephew’s cross country coach was a prime example. He was on a high school team that won the State in Track & Field, then was a member of a college cross country team that won the National Junior College Cross Country Championship. He coached his teams as if he knew none of that mattered to the boys and girls running for him. It was a foot in the door and the kids would listen at first, but then he better know what he was doing if he didn’t want anybody tuning him out. He did and they never did. Several City Championships et al cemented that idea.

That said, this STILL has a Popeye-versus-Bluto profile and you KNOW where this is going to head. When Luke Generic Hispanic Appellation Since We Apparently Haven’t Settled The Issue On What His Spanish Surname Should Be bears a striking resemblance to Popeye’s arch-nemesis (lot of that going around as Chet Ballard showed) , what alternative scenarios could there possibly be? Popeye forgets his spinach back at Milford Greyhound station and thereby gets his ass stomped in the ground? Bluto and Olive Oyl subsequently get married in a shotgun affair in front of the Milford Justice of the Peace???

“Who gives away this beautiful Olive Oyl?”

“Mrs. Slaghoople and I do.”

Bluto then goes on to coach the Milford Mudlark Football team, banning Sloppy Joe Workouts for life. Gil becomes a driver for Nick’s Pizza and keeps his own tips.

I am not holding my breath but I learned in sports “You never know”. Nobody gave the Mets a ghost of a chance in ’69.

Speaking of Bluto, Popeye was a very popular theater cartoon short taken up by Paramount Studios after Popeye’s creator, Elzie Crisler Segar, died in 1938. When King Features took over control of Popeye and adapted him and the cartoon in general for the kiddies in the early ’60’s as a TV cartoon, it changed Bluto’s name to Brutus for fear of a copyright dispute from Paramount. Poor research kept the truth from surfacing, i.e., King Features in reality owned the copyright. Too little, too late, although it really didn’t affect the scheme of things. Bluto, Brutus, Reggie B. Fine, The Moon Dogs, what did we kids care? Popeye was Popeye.

Anyway

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Gil Refuses To Back Down, Will Retain Name After Barroom Incident At Milford Lounge!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I really couldn’t care less what Luke del Toro de la Renta en los Montanas para el Sol del Tiempo says, I am not introducing myself at Milford Kiwania Kickoff Luncheon as Brutus Thorp.”

If ya like not shaving fer sev’ral days cuz ya lak ta look lak Bubba Bluto so as ta intimidate tha landlord ta not jack up tha rent in yore trailer park, ya might be a redneck.

As mentioned before several times, I love Jazz with my life. And I am a MAJOR Charles Mingus fan. So when I saw Luke’s face today, I felt like someone was rubbing the Mingus Dynasty album cover to my face (Mingus had partial Chinese lineage) . This undoubtedly is intensifying the Brutus Hispanic John Doe image that is serving center stage for a showdown between him and Gil the Adulterer.

Now Jive Turkey serves an excellent point as well. While Gil has certainly seen his share of butthole coaches (see Ironwood Ingots manager) and Brutus Butthead del Salvador is no exception, how did Brutus accomplish High School Wrestling State Champion, then get to be Pac-12 MVP in Basketball? Because those are two different animals, Folks. I am not saying it’s impossible but let’s just say it’s extremely daunting. My nephew had a teammate on his cross country team that one year tried to run and play on the high school tennis team. I supported him but felt it a bit much, given the commitments to both. He did great and I cheered him on but after awhile, the writing was on the wall and he dropped tennis to focus on cross country. The consolation prize was that he was allowed to explore, something every kid should be allowed to do, if possible. I saluted his maximizing his Important Years.

But maybe that’s what will make this Wrestlemania more interesting. You were in the Marines, Gil? BFD, I landed on the moon with Neil and Michael and Buzz after I passed my drug test after I won the State Championship in Wrestling in the Heavyweight Division. Your football team won the Playdowns in 2014? Child’s play. I kicked the winning goal for Nicaragua in the World Cup Final and then was the MVP for UCLA when we won the Pac-12 Conference Tournament and then had to catch a red-eye flight out of Milford International to begin my Rhodes Scholar studies in England. I had to bum some money from Luhm for the cab fare but I’ll pay him back after my first reimbursement. This “Anything you can do, I can do better” plotline should hold our attention until football and make up for the lack of a piddly golf story.

“Anything you can do, I can do better.”

“No, you can’t.”

“Yes, I can.”

“No, you can’t.”

“Yes, I can.”

“No, you can’t.”

“Yes, I can.”

“Look, I’ve coached for 60 years. Come back in the year 2525 if we’re both still around. You might win the Milford Country Club Golf Championship by then. Just make sure you spell your last name correctly when you turn in your scorecard.”

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Mimi Thorp Resists Latest Advances By Luke El Luchador del Mundo, Tells Him To Get Satisfied With What He Has!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I don’t care if he was the High School Shuffleboard Man of the Year and he won that the same year he swam across the English Channel, Gil did the same across Mudlark Lake and I still claim the sheets with him.”

At Dr. Pearl’s office with Beach Boys’ “Good Timin'” playing from her 1921 Babe Ruth-autographed phonograph machine

“Gil, Luke La Bamba called today and wants to reschedule that Milford Cage Match/Loser Leaves Town at the Milford Gardens to this Friday.”

“Shoot no, that’s my bingo night.”

Bluto, are we honestly seeing the same thing???? Gil UNFAITHFUL to his wife??? The conversation was a bit chummier than normal with Beth the Bartender but I wouldn’t consider that grounds for serious problems with Mimi at home. If they had problems in the past, and I am really digging here, Gil would have taken the high road. No way is he turning this into a time to explore sexual frontiers with Miss Kitty or threatening to shoot up the saloon when the Dalton Gang barge into the joint. If anything, the Dalton Gang is knocking their own chip off their shoulder and daring Gil to shoot at it with his water pistol. If that isn’t grounds for High Noon at Milford Lounge and/or She’s Coaching Single, I’m Drinking Double Cola, I need to be reading more Garfield. Yeah, Odie cheating on the female dogs in the neighborhood, I can’t wait for my paper to get delivered at 1:00AM to get the latest scoop.

This nouveau avant-garde Thorp is getting off on the Path to Glory, ya think?

All righty then, Gene Rayburn has come to bail us out once again in our hour of need. Oh, saints be praised, Gene. The stage is yours

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Luke’s last name was______________________.”

And WHEN did ANY of us EVER see Marty pop out an eyeball over any misfortune or potential misfortune related to Gil???? You talk about the one person who would kick Gil with steel-toed combat boots when he is down and shovel the concrete on Gil’s face should the latter ever go deceased on us.

I mean, for example, if Gil were caught with the secretary in the janitor’s closet at the school (believe me, I never pondered a tryst with Gil and Beth the Bartender under the cafeteria tables after hours until Luke started going graphic on us) , does anyone honestly think Marty Moon would pass up the opportunity to broadcast that as if it were on the same stature of gravity as a civil defense alert???? Why do you think they named the building WDIG in the first place? Because hippies DIG the art deco design in the studio?

And again, Luke is just starting a stink where there is no dog poop to use the pooper scooper with. This is Thorpiverse Theater at its utmost, starting a fire with Raid when the roaches left town. Jimmy Carter was seen frequently with his daughter, Amy, when he was in the White House but that didn’t mean they were having an affair. Ronald Reagan threatened to blow up Milford when he was warming up a mike but safe to say, Milford is nuke-free at this juncture. Bob Knight went fishing a lot with Gene Keady but that didn’t mean he’d be an assistant for Keady next Winter in West Lafayette, Indiana.

But okay, Luke, Coach Thorp and Jimmy Swaggart double-dated a couple of whores and made a night of it at Milford Motel 6. And enjoyed their continental breakfast the next day even if the toast was burnt. That makes sense.

“We’ll be back to see if Luke Luna is telling the truth or violating Scout’s Honor after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

CCCCRRRRRAAAASSSSSHHHHHHH

“That’ll learn ya, Grandma. I’m mad as Hell and not gonna take anymore.”

“That was my 103-year-old grandmother crossing the crosswalk in downtown Milford. She was going to get drapes for the house. And Gil Thorp proved what we suspected for 60 years, that he pulls wings off flies and would run over little old ladies at the warning track to catch a fly ball.”

“Hoo boy, Donald Pinkleypoom III was totally distraught and I had to settle him down with a cup of Hawaiian Punch and a Payday out of the machine to cool his jets. We finally got down to cases and found out that Gil had not been on the clock when he was delivering a Meatball Vegetarian Strom for Nick’s Pizza. He didn’t even offer Grandma Pinkleypoom his tips he earned as a gesture of good will. We had to act fast.”

“Wow!!!!! Mr. Sharkey got a huge settlement with Nick’s Pizza and Milford High School Teacher’s Union since this job wasn’t paying union scale and therefore it was not a closed-shop job. Gil had no more the blessing to do that than to dance with a grizzly in Yellowstone. We settled for $563,284,901 and the union and Nick’s split the bill. The union took it out of their Emergency Strike Fund account. They’ll have to sell beaucoup World’s Finest Chocolate to recoup the losses but that’s their problem. I took the money I received to buy drapes for Grandma plus replace the lazy Susan in the kitchen. The termites were eating more than the Jif Peanut Butter. Thanks, Shark.”

“You heard the man. Get the money you deserve. Now bear in mind, we have deadlines to file. Don’t be like the Nick’s Pizza driver who lost both arms trying to adhere to the 30 Minutes or Less or It’s FREE guideline, then could not sue Nick’s because he couldn’t convince one of the nurses to fill out the form, let alone forge his signature. Make your claim today to Joe Sharkey & Associates. Simply dial 1-FON-THE-JAWS. One call, that’s all.”

Gang, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Luke Luna could do many things but he NEVER wrote Goodbye Pork Pie Hat. He doesn’t look THAT much like Mingus.

But God bless you anyway.

Gil on

Spilled his guts to nobody

Theeyyyyyyy left the bar

Right away…

August 8, 2022

Behind The Playbook Podcast Sponsored By UFS Canned Beverage

Filed under: Valley Tech, Where is Milford? — nedryerson @ 10:51 am

Marty Moon records a podcast at the studios of WDIG, the Behind The Playbook podcast to be specific. I have heard of some radio shows that are released as podcasts. Maybe Marty produces enough hot take content that he can put out a podcast seperate from his daily show. Maybe if his special guest Luke Hernnadez, the new sheriff from Valley Tech (hey, wasn’t that Luke Martinez? who goofed, the strip’s creators or Marty?), is as big a blowhard as we’ve seen so far, Marty can team up with him to make a real screaming freak show of a podcast. Dozens of people can download Playbook every week to hear new drunken ravings from goateed loudmouths.

So, what are Marty and Luke Martinez Hernnadez talking about? Well, Marty heard about the verbal sparring between Gil and Sheriff Luke at the Post Coach of The Year Hotel Bar Gathering. (Forget the award ceremony…THIS is the event of the year! Too bad it’s held at a secret location.) Where did Marty hear about the “stir”, from one of those two other guys in polo shirts or from the bartender that’s sweet on Gil? Who called the Marty Moon Behind The Playbook tip line (and what poor PA has to monitor the tip line and pull out anything useful among all the “Marty Sucks! Baba-Booey!” messages)? If this is the kind of content one regularly hears on the Behind The Playbook podcast, it wouldn’t surprise me if Marty just uses the studio to record it and puts it out on his own. I don’t think a radio station would want this going out under their name. Marty, what are you doing in there?!

Note that Luke Hernnadez states that he’s the young buck that this town needs. So, is Valley Tech actually in Milford? I’d always assumed that the Valley Conference was spread among many towns in a geographical area that includes Milford. That could be the case and Valley Tech could still be in Milford. It’s just weird that it has never been defined that way. But really, there have been and probably will be many liberties taken with things with the new writer and I’m not gonna harp on this stuff constantly. I gotta harp on something though, so why not a little more of the old Where Is Milford?

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