This Week in Milford

July 22, 2019

Quasi-Eligibility Rules

Filed under: freak hands, Piss faced Tiki, Prairie Style Windows — nedryerson @ 6:25 am

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It looks like we are finally circling back to the letter from the school board informing the Jansens that they are “violating the spirit of the rule”. Will Hadley be able to make hay with the contents of the letter, given the use of the equivocating language in the school board’s official communication? I don’t expect to get a clear answer because this is Gil Thorp.

The Jansens can’t afford to keep paying rent so Mama Jansen seems willing to go along with a scheme for Tiki to live with another family (Introducing The Flemings!) in Milford. That seems rather extreme. Also, what will the school board think of that? Will they want to see some documentation showing that the Flemings are serving as guardians for Tiki?

Is anybody down at the school board aware of the problems at New Thayer, where gangs were pummeling Tiki on the daily? Do they have any interest in addressing that?

None of these questions will be answered because Hadley V. Baxendale is riding in on a white horse (with an aimless NBA player riding behind her) to Clarence Darrow the shit out of this thing.

 

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July 20, 2019

Hadley V. Baxendale, Tweaker

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“No charge, Mrs. Jansen.”

“Don’t you mean pro bono?”

“We’ll have none of that fancy Latin talk around here. Leave that for those St. Fabian’s kids. Besides, I heard enough of that in law school. I said ‘no charge’ and I meant ‘no charge.’ I’ll even throw in my mom’s face to sweeten the deal.”

mombax_momjans

“Now let’s get to tweakin’.”

“Uh, Ms. Baxendale? You’ve got the wrong strip. Tweaking is more of a Santa Royale thing.”

“I don’t think so. We’re trying to get you to stay in Milford, right? In an apartment?”

“Uh, yeah, but you might have us confused with the Aagards.”

“Hmmm. Jaquan, dear, don’t we have some weight training to do?”

July 19, 2019

Dog Days of summer

 

 

 

 

 

Well now we know the reason that Hadley and JC were brought back into our strip existence.. so a guy that should also be in our rear view mirror can go to Milford instead of New Thayer  (hey by the way, whens the last time we saw NT on anyones schedule?)

So now the engaged couple are bouncing around everyones  living room (Coming Soon to a couch near you— High Priced Lawyer and her co-star, Bald Bull! Tickets Now Available!) and as far as I’m concerned, meddling in everyones business. How the hell does Tiki know who either of these characters are who just showed up at his front door? He was in a crib eating Gerber when these two were in high school. Isnt it enough to have dinner with 4 different people in 2 nights, no you have to set up a coffee discussion with some kid who doesnt even know what district he lives in. But he did last year. Some townships are known to re-draw their district lines (or in Chicago they are called precincts) so its oh, possible this could happen, but in real life Tiki would know long before now about this. Because if he changed districts, I’m sure Gils cornerback did too, or his backup fullback who he needs to kick a field goal in Week 4, or some other mope on his bench who will play Saturday Hero one day. But its Tiki Jansen we’re stuck with for this story.

And Hadley.

And… Bald Bull.

Wake me up when September ends…

 

 

 

July 18, 2019

“We Now Return To ‘Golf Of Remembrance Past-Slash-Football Follies’, Here On A & E.”

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Outside of Gil doing a publicity pose for Milford Today like he’s doing in P3, we probably won’t see much more golf the rest of the Summer.

But we WILL see Hadley Villain, Upstart Injury Lawyer-slash-Questionable Newlywed strain to see if her right arm will ever display a bicep. You go, Girl. Put some Alpo in the bowl and you might feel a bump in that right appendage any day now.

Does Thorpiverse honestly think we’re gonna get bowled over at Trey’s Diner-slash-Greasy Spoon But Nowhere Near Like The Bucket-slash-A Couple of Nautilus Machines Does Not Gold’s Gym Make-slash-Really Oughta Be A Spare Bedroom?

Now we’ve taken all that we can possibly take from As The Summer Turns Our Stomach. We’ve seen the golf plot not even be a golf plot, getting shanked in the lake and now we’re having to take a drop as a result.

And, Lord have mercy, we are witnessing Thorpiverse gerrymander a plot by looking the other way in the name of creating an interesting scenario that’s supposed to be emanating from the Football Plot-slash-2 Months Premature by playing Tiki Jansen-slash-Ineligible Means Ineligible.

And as long as we’re going to skirt the rules of eligibility and common sense, will somebody please remind Cover Like An Allstate Insurance Policy-slash-Burnt Eggo Waffle Jansen that he DOES need to keep his head out of his butt while he’s moping The School Board Blues and eking out a poor rendition of “Dust My Broom”? While he and Elmore James are on the 50-yard line moaning off that sad guitar that James is deftly plucking, the 3rd-string tight end just waltzed in the end zone with his own music, “Tuxedo Junction” from another segment of Lawrence Welk Remembers.

Come to Butt Drugs in Corydon, Indiana for all your pharmaceutical needs and so much more. They have an excellent soda fountain counter that is ALWAYS busy, not to mention some neat gifts for all occasions. I have found the place a great place to shop whether you’re a tourist or you’re a local in the area. They fill all your prescriptions at reasonable prices and they have free parking in the rear of the store. I can see why this place has been around for several decades. Come in and see what I mean and get a coke or an ice cream from the counter while you’re doing it.

Support Small Business, Gang. You need to go where everybody knows your name.

And getting back to Hadley Vector Arms, okay, she could play a little basketball and I sympathized with her plight about Girls Basketball getting railroaded when it was painfully clear that it had a place on the stage, probably more so than Boys Basketball. What I like about my college team, the Women’s Basketball team hoops in the same building as the Men’s Basketball team, unlike many other universities that relegate Women’s Basketball to sideshow status and a crackerbox gym.

But, damn, that don’t mean you’re Miss Universe. You get on the Nordic Track machine by the door leading into Trey’s secret toilet, the same one he used to flush steroids down the drain when the Milford Police knocked at the front door, and you pump those calves and triceps while you’re slaving over a case brief involving Milford Foundry’s rezoning dispute with the Milford Neighborhood Association over a piece of property that could potentially harbor a smelting operation dealing with titanium and plastic at the expense of environmental issues (“Whew!!!!!!! Those Hefty Trash Bags are a bit strong today!!!!!!!!!!!”) , and you think you have a right to show up in the back flap of a Little Lotta Comix along with Charles Atlas? Get real.

The wimpy weight room that made a man out of Hadley Venom

Hadley Venom in P1 has issues with the weights

“Damn, Trey, this cafeteria tray of 10 pounders ain’t squat. And where’d you get that pulley for the pec machine? I could pull those weights towards my boobs with a toothpick. I won’t win the Milford Row Boat Marathon with those training wheels.”

“Look, I’d kick sand in your face if my Living Room-slash-Body Building Bonanza had any and I’d conk you over the head with that megaton pumping bar in the corner but it’s not under warranty and besides, you’d blow up and dry away.”

Later that evening while Jaquan is practicing at Mildord Lighted Outdoor Courts with Mikey and Pippen

“GODDAMIT!!!!!!!!! I’LL GET TREY AND HIS KINDERGARTEN GYM!!!!!!!!!! ALL RIGHT, I’LL GAMBLE JAQUAN’S STOCKHOLDER’S CHECK AND CASH IT AT MILFORD FEDERAL AND THEN SEND OFF FOR CHARLES ATLAS’ RISK-FREE, MONEY-BACK PROGRAM!!!!!!!! WHAT HAVE I GOT TO LOSE!!!!!!!!!”

Later in P1

“(WHAM!!!!!!!!!!) Are you still around!!!!!! Get outta here and get a real job (BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This ain’t a tumor growing outta my arm, pal (BODY SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Next time you change the laundry room into a weightlifter’s paradise, (BATMAN BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , don’t buy your weights at Rural King (JOKER SHOVED IN TREY’S TOILET BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Hey, I’m borrowing a stamp from my dad at his business. I want results just like Hadley the Victorious.

If ya do 50 reps of bench press with yore bloodhound and yore able ta git a Body by Jake and git all th’ fleas ‘n’ tics ‘n’ tapeworms offa yore Man’s best friend simol-TAIN-ee-us-lee, ya might be a redneck.

And we see Pez Top up close, showing off her speed bump, tryin’ to sound like one of the guys by asking if Jaquan needs a spotter. Believe me, there’s a lot of Miss Universe’s out there that deserve to ask that question, even if they never won that portion of the competition. And again, Hadley V. deserves respect for her solid contribution to basketball.

But since when did she just jump in the fire and pull a Heather Burns on us and start TALKING like Jake the Body? Ever heard the term PAY YOUR DUES Thorpiverse or Hadley Veneer? I’ll field the answer from either one of you. I don’t think I’ll be fielding an answer any time in the near future.

Oh Mighty Body Building Queen From The Amenhotep Era When He Was Entombed Under The Sphinx Because He Threw Out His Back Doing Squats, you impress us with your knowledge. You knew Jaquan couldn’t Military Press the WDIG building without a spotter. Wow, with lingo like that in your head, you could go places. Like nowhere, f’rinstance.

Isn’t Hadley Venom and her newfound weightlifting wisdom like Benedict Arnold trying to tell Pearl Harbor how to ward off the attack?  Don’t know ’boutchoo, but I wouldn’t trust somebody who’s already betrayed his country, especially when he’s got a Pepe Le Pew streak in his hairdo. I’d be calling the President.

“This is a day that will live in infamy. Mr. Arnold will have to change hairstylists as a result.”

Nope, if they don’t remove that highway median stripe from their hair, I ain’t gonna listen to their advice on how to proceed with Iwo Jima. They’ll just have to shave their head, thank you very much.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J.-slash-Jack the Ripper To Remove Bar Bells From Basement Valued At Thousands And Thousands Of Dollars!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“My football days are over. I want to build a karaoke bar. There’s enough plywood in the back yard.”

 

So after Jaquan gets done with his second set of curling the Milford High School wrestling mats and taking a jog around the boroughs of Queens and Brooklyn, he really should be dome in time so he doesn’t have to break his dinner date with Hadley Victor Mature in the Sampson Role at Milford Lounge. The Milford Lounge gives a customer 30 minutes before they have to cancel the reservation. But unless there’s a traffic jam on the Brooklyn Bridge, Jaquan should be able to sprint to Shea Stadium and hop in his car, no problem.

 

And I just happen to notice this. Maybe it’s because I’m Gil-blind, one notch below Legally Blind but did Thorpiverse forget to put the finishing touches on Hadley Visage’s visage? Otherwise, what is the purpose of the John-Boy Walton splotch on her face? No better way to improve upon the Bazooka Joe artwork than to leave a spot on her face she got when you spilled a bit of your Sanka.

“Oops!!!!!!!!!! Damn, where’s a Bounty…sayyyyyyyy, not bad.”

Pez Top with a Rorscharch, that’ll liven up the Bubble Gum Comix collection. Bazooka Joe who hangs around with one of his buddies who got a hickey from his dog. Man, I’m just full of ideas. What was the name of the address to send to Bazooka Joe? And I got to send two box tops also, right? Or was it three?

“Lassie, have you been giving John-Boy hickeys again?”

RUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Rin Tin Tin? He says Benji and you are in on a ring.”

RUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Okay, girl. I’ll tell Mom that Benji gave one to Grandpa Walton. And that you made a special guest appearance on Cannon. That would make sense. You’d catch the bank robbers out of Milford Mutual before that lard-butt would.”

RUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“They’re putting William Conrad on an Ultra Slim Fast diet?”

RUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“I don’t like White Chocolate shakes either, girl.”

 

Because I don’t know why I got “Did you mean DON ZIMMER?” when I was looking up Donna Summer

“Heeeeeerrrreeessshhhhhhh Leon Durham wiiiisshhhhhh the bassseshhhhhhes loaded. Boy o Boy, I’d like to get a long one wissshhhhhhh shatttttttt wind blowing out. Say ‘Hello’ to Gil and Mimi from Milford, Iowa. They’re shhheeellllleebrating their 60th wedding aniverssshhhherrryy. They’re lisssshhhhennnninggggggg in on WDIG, home of the Mudlaaaaarrrkkkksssshhhhhhh.”

“Harry, Manager Don Zimmer is doing the moonwalk in the 3rd base box while ‘She Works Hard for the Money’ is blaring over the speakers. With a 3 and 0 count, I gotta believe The Bull has the green light. Zimmer did the splits the other day while ‘MacArthur Park’ was playing and The Penguin was at the plate. Gotta believe with that wind whistling toward the Hancock Tower that The Bull needs to look for something fat to crank.”

I tried to hold back, Robmize, I honestly tried.

 

Let me start off the last leg of this post by saying that the utmost STUPIDEST question in the world in the last 24 hours has to have escaped Gil’s lips in P3. Gil, just because Captain Kangaroo walks up to you does not mean that he needs work on his short game. Really, do you assume that Mr. Green Jeans or Richie Cunningham  need  work with their putting every time they have a $15 Pepsi in their hand? How do you know Mr. Green Jeans might have something else on his mind? Maybe Mr. Moose just had surgery on his gluteus maximus from all that sitting with The Captain and Mr. Green Jeans just needs somebody to unload on about Mr. Moose’s recovery options.

“The doctor says he can sit on his butt in a week or two. He’ll have to take aspirin twice a day and lie on his belly in a heat lamp in the interim. He’ll get a nice tan, anyway.”

 

And where ELSE would ANYONE look for Gil in the month of July???????? The logo on his shirt says it all. Do you see IBM or Coca-Cola or an icon from The Man from Glad?????? Well?????? The 3 Bears from Charmin Bath Tissue??????

“Thanks, Bears. The Port-o-Let on #8 ran out of toilet paper. I had to wipe my ass with these sycamore tree shards. Glad you came by in the golf cart.”

 

I mean, really, there was no need for Hadley Venereal Disease to look anywhere else. Gil was not in a barrel rolling down Niagara Falls. He was not in the Sahara with The French Foreign Legion. It was not necessary to call Encyclopedia Brown and pop a quarter on the gas can and find out that Gil was teaching Bugs Meany how to rotate his hips when teeing off while Bugs Meany was pick-pocketing Gil’s wallet and hair. Wasn’t necessary to call Joe Friday and Bill Gannon as they were on assignment to investigate Tod Andrews’ child pornography allegations anyway.

GANG WHERE ELSE WOULD GIL BE IN THE MONTH OF JULY EVEN WHEN THE GOLF SEASON HAS BEEN TANKED IN THE NAME OF INTRAMURAL TOUCH FOOTBALL

I’ll let you fill in the blank.

Oh, and Hadley-slash-V-slash-Carol Burnett wannabe is trying to make a funny. Well, let’s humor the female Foghorn Leghorn, shall we?

“Gil, do you know what you get when you depose Tiki and ship his ass back to New Thayer to get his ass kicked once again by the Jets?”

“I give up.”

“A defensive half back.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Gang, comment away. I’m serious, I don’t think a search party for Gil was necessary.

 

Today’s Special Edition of the Milford Enquirer

“Bill Gates No Longer 2nd-Richest Man In The World!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Hadley Vixen finalizes deal with the TimberWolves. Jaquan will get added incentives including a no-trade clause.”

 

From the MCC sound system permeating the 18 hole course

 

Sittin’ here, eatin’ my heart waitin’

Waitin’ for some lover to call…

 

Lookin’ for some hot stuff, baby this evenin’

I need some hot stuff, baby tonight

I want some hot stuff, baby this even9in’

Gotta have some hot stuff

Gotta have some love tonight

 

“Gil, did you get that Bucket Liquor License faxed off to Don Zimmer? He’s part owner in the place, you know.”

“He only has 1/10 stock from where I’m teeing off.”

“Tell his lawyers that. They’re teeing off right behind us.”

 

 

That’s-slash-all-slash-Folks!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

July 17, 2019

Leonard’s Loser

Filed under: football, Gil Thorp — teenchy @ 6:14 am

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Milford v. Tilden

Out from under the watchful eye of Papa Mudlark Thorp, seven of his fledglings will try to test their wings in a bigger aviary. As luck would have it, their first flight test comes against Samuel J.’s boys. The Dirty Birds know this game’s outcome won’t be decided by the Electoral College, so they’d best spread their wings and get ready for a fight.

As luck would have it, one of Papa Thorp’s little fluffballs is getting kicked out of the nest a wee bit too early. With no sense of direction, tiny Tiki will be doing the Tennessee Bird Walk all the way back to New Thayer. There’s no safety net for this safety, and the Little Smart Pill Machine tells me until he grows some stiffer flight feathers all the Dirty Birds can do is lay a big egg.

Leonard’s Loser: Tiki Jansen

Get me outta here, Percy!

(apologies and tribute to Leonard Postero)

 

July 16, 2019

What’s This Summer All About?

Filed under: big arms, Just plain sad, Milford Idiots, Piss faced Tiki, Tilden — tdrewhardin @ 8:10 am

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Frankly, I’m confused. Here I was in my Ethan Allen recliner chair, jumbo extra-buttered popcorn in one hand, 2 liter of Diet Coke I froze in the fridge in other hand, more where that came from behind the leftover celery and carrots and spinach dip tray in the Amana, plenty of Mike ‘n’ Ike on the coffee table, running the gamut from sour balls to chocolate gumbo lover’s delight (milk chocolate and okra, mmmmmmm, mmmmmmm) , and I was ready to pop the DVD in the player, I DID pop the DVD in the player, expecting to see the Warner Brothers logo and Bugs Bunny’s face grace the middle of the logo, the Looney Tunes Theme played with aplomb by Metallica, then suddenly Bugs Bunny reclining while munching on another carrot, pulling on the curtain to introduce another installment, “Bugs Breaks Par at MCC” or “Hare Ball with Gil” or even “Bunny Bag Full of Tricks and Clubs”. “5-Iron Hare” wasn’t really going to cut it but I had this barrel of popcorn to balance on the arm rest and beggars can’t be choosers, y’know.

But WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!!!!! What in the name of Pepe Le Pew was going on? Oh, this stunk all right but it had nothing to do with a skunk trying to hit on Mimi throughout the cartoon.

“Ah, my love. Domp yor hus-BEND and cum wizz me and I weel show you zee fi-NER zings in Oak-WOOD.”

Dating a skunk in another Rockville at their version of The Bucket, playing “Red River Valley” by Red Sovine, the K-Tel version, off the jukebox, it’s easy to see why Mimi rejected Pepe’s advances.

“Phew!!!!!!!!!!!! Damn, Mimi, your blouse stinks to high heaven!!!!!!!!! Man, your whole outfit reeks of roadkill!!!!!!!!! Have you been seeing another man?”

 

Meanwhile, back on the field, I am utterly disappointed. I was expecting a golf plot but got “Alfie”

What’s it all about

TIKI

Is it just for the Summer

You live

 

What’s it all about

When you play it out

The TD reception you give

Or are you meant to cover

Your man

 

And if only fools are toast

Then I guess it’s wise to be Wonder Bread

 

And if the game belongs to the talented

What will you lend based on an old golden rule

 

As sure as I believe there is a Heaven above

I know you can do so much more

Something even non-football converts believe in

I believe in ability

TIKI

 

Without ability, you’re just standing like the goal post

Until you find the receiver, you’re ancient history

TIKI

 

When you find him, stick to him

Like Elmer

And you’ll find the pass meant for

The split end

TIKI

 

Oh TIKI

 

Mortifying a plot by mortifying a pseudo-Othello with one of my favorite in the business, Dionne Warwick. Life is good.

 

I normally wait until the end to comment but Franku brings up an interesting point. Why is Tiki playing if they are essentially ruling him ineligible? Gang, when I was coaching Babe Ruth Baseball, we couldn’t touch high school players from their teams until we got a written release from their coach. Don’t want Big Brother a/k/a High School Athletic Association snoopin’ around and seeing if a couple of high school pitchers are doing warm-ups with the rest of the staff or the high school catcher running laps around the complex without either scenario’s John Henry stating it was all good to go.

I have to believe Tilden wouldn’t cross the Alps with Hannibal and the rest of the elephants and hippos for a non-sanctioned event, let alone playing a team with somebody at the mercy of a School Board meeting. It’s bad enough trying to find enough water to water down the hippos but does Tilden have to get tangled up in Blues (oh, shit, turn off that Dylan CD, T. Drew) , uh, tangled up in someone else’s hippo poop? Well, I guess what Dylan was talking about and what I’m talking about might as well be the same only you can’t bring a hose to a School Board meeting. You’ll just have to come without Pepe.

“What do yoo men, I cant cum to zee mee-TING? I can strai-zen zees hole zing out. I can bribe zee luvlee lady Board Member wiz my charms-and a Buck-EET Bur-GAIR. Estee Lauder and BEEG Macs wark ev-er-EE time. ”

Anyway, Tilden crossed the Rubicon without a hitch. It’ll be Gil’s cross to bear when it comes to Alfie, er, Tiki.

 

Come to Galan’s Meat’s in Louisville, Kentucky. They are just about to move in a new building and I can see why. They offer the freshest meats around from ground round to prime rib to bar-b-q ribs. And it is cut daily so you are in for a treat. And if you want a sandwich, from pork chop to hamburger, with sides like potato salad or cole slaw, the grill is continually smokin’ until closing time. Man, my mouth is watering even as I text. They are on Market Street in West Louisville, Kentucky and you owe it to yourself to dig in. I sure did.

Support Small Business. You need to go where everyone knows your name.

 

“Hi, this is Joe Sharkey. If you’ve been injured in an accident, you need money to pay the medical bills. Insurance companies are digging through the playbook to look for ways to run over, out-hustle, out-block, out-play, and out-smart the competition.

Don’t be like Loser Jensen here in P1 who got torched for a Fly pattern and subsequently watched the insurance companies high-five each other in the end zone. They will stop at nothing to run up the score. If they can’t beat you on the field, believe me, they will yank out the rule book and try to beat you on a technicality.”

“I got my bell rung when a construction worker tried to dig up the street to get to a pipeline, blasting the sucker with dynamite and the manhole cover conking me out and ripping a side of my face. The insurance companies tried to get technical by saying our receiver’s birth certificate was notarized a day after the Notary Public’s term expired. Thank God, The Shark had a stopwatch and determined that the Notary signed the affidavit 10 minutes before he turned into a pumpkin. Thanks, Shark.”

“You heard right. Don’t let insurance companies cheat you out of the TD you ran and the facelift you deserve because they were trying to get a replay from some schmuck’s cheap K-Mart camcorder. Call 1-FON-THE-JAWS and get the money you deserve.”

 

Oooooooooookkkkkkkkk, so we’re not going the injury lawyer route in P1. Hadley Venom is not going to be an ambulance chaser and get the insurance number for Tiki when he gets his face spiked by a Tilden fullback.

Then there’s the other question “Is this a dream within a dream?”, to quote Alan Parsons off “Tales of Mystery & Imagination.” In other words, the Tilden players, coaches, elephants, hippos, cheetahs, chimapnazees, etc. are here to stay, at least in the next few days (“In your FACE, Curious George!!!!!!!!”, “C’mon, Babar, do the Sack Dance with me!!!!!!!!!”) , but what of the plot per se? Will this be a mini-plot that lasts until Labor Day, then we turn on the afterburners and find out Jaquan wants to coach the receivers and marry Hadley Vertigo on the 50-yard line and watch the Mudlark players work out the logistics of setting up the altar, arranging for the minister, rehearsing with Ed Asner (GOOD ONE, TEENCHY) on giving away his daughter, constructing the reception table with Marty Moon as the DJ (Can’t have Booby do it, Rockville’s still mad at him; and Ernie the P has lost his audience. Imagine Harold Stassen spinning Carl Perkins’ “Honey Don’t” on the turntable and you get the idea) , everyone rehearsing throwing rice at the couple, and hiring a limo to haul them off to Mudlark Lake Resort for the honeymoon?  BTW, as long as Luhm is around with a mega-blower that could knock over the Sears Tower, the rice ought to cleared out at least as far as Siberia in time for the real thing. The limo should drive of with Uncle Ben in its tread. But the question remains with the Minute Rice question laid to rest. Is this or is this not a mini-plot?

Or will this blend into the football season and Heather Burns returns to give Tiki pointers on how to properly blindside your opponent, especially in his private areas when he’s not learning Torts and Comparative Fault from Hadley Victim’s Rights? One day, he’s learning the proper footwork on how to defense a tight end, then the next day, he’s in a courtroom soaking up 49 ways to prepare a case brief (“Make sure you do what Alice Cooper does and come early in the morning when nobody’s around the Xerox machine.”) And this pas de deux gracefully saunter for months leading into Thanksgiving? Gang, aren’t you excited? Time to hit the microwave and nuke another Jiffy Pop while I’m rewinding the DVD. And if Charlie from My Three Sons, er, Heather Burns’ dad returns with a vengeance, it’s time to get the White Castle cheeseburgers out of the freezer and nuke those too. Can’t have enough excitement on this website, don’t ya know.

 

If ya’s playin’ in a 7-on-7 Weekend Softball Tournament and ya wanna play center field cuz ya wanna work off the excess Falls City by chasin’ down all the balls hit down the left field line cuz the manager ain’t got a left fielder amongst his 7 players and yore cut-off man is yore Sterling-bellied pitcher,  ya might be a redneck.

 

“Coach!!!!!!!! Coach!!!!!!!!!! I know who shot Coach Shaw!!!!!!!!!!!”

“GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let me get on my cell phone with the police!!!!!!! Who was it?”

“It was———-”

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!! BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

‘Sorry, Coach, we need to fix that lock. but we oughta be able to lure that hippo back to the trailer with some prime rib.”

“I understand, but now we’re down to 7-on-6.”

 

 

P2-“Dude, your head is so far up your ass, the chimpanzees might mistake you for an ostrich. You are really out of it today.”

“Not true. I am perfectly focused and ready for the next play.”

“Well. I’d put on my helmet before you got on the field instead of that earthen pot of marigolds you got in your hand from the gardens of the Milford Public Library grounds.”

Trying to put it on

“Is there any Miracle-Gro in the equipment shed?”

 

Come to The Bookworm in Corydon, Indiana. There is wide selection of used books that can suit just about any fancy that has been satisfying mine for several years. I LOVE their Louis L’Amour collect9ion, being a Western buff, so I frequent the place as much as I’m humanly able. There is a book that is bound to cater to any taste so you owe it to yourself to talk to a friendly face or two and check out the selection. Their cook books are to die for, Gang. Support Small Business. You need to go where everybody knows your name.

 

 

 

Oh, look, Howdy Doody had an interracial marriage at some point in his career and his progeny is in P3. Love that toothy smile. And nice to see the gloves he obtained when he skinned a leopard either from the Tilden caravan or out in the woods where the mutant poplars abide. Leopards aren’t picky. And, evidently, neither is Howdy VI.

I agree that Tiki should dial it in. He has all these legal terms as well as the play book to memorize, for pete’s sake. Give him time. Rezoning Variance and a Buttonhook pattern can be Hell to memorize in one night.

 

“And the gun goes off, indicating the end of the 3rd quarter, with the score, Tilden, 37, Milford, 34. This is Marty Moon at the 7-on-7 scrimmage on Mudlark Practice Field and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“Folks, if you’re like me, you grew up with all the games shows like Joker’s Wild to Concentration to The Match Game. And with game show hosts like Bill Cullen or Pat Sajak, you couldn’t go wrong with great personalities with a nifty sense of humor.

But there’s one game show host that you, the customers, voted as the one you’d kill for an autograph were he 50 feet from your person. That’s right, Wink Martindale was the man most people would run over their grandmother for while driving their pickup truck should they ever be confronted with the opportunity. Even if the light was red.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse. And from now until the end of July, if you’ll come in with a memonto of ol’ Wink himself, you’ll receive a 12-pack of your favorite brew and a $2 bag of chips. Mmm, mmm, I think I have that newspaper clip in the 1978 Milford Enquirer of Wink in the TV section hosting The Gong Show. Chuck Barris was sick with the flu that day so Wink pinch-hit in superb fashion with a group of parakeets singing “Don’t Leave Me This Way” the winner. Only Wink and Thelma Houston could do it any better. God, that Pabst Blue Ribbon Dark and a $2 bag of Mike-Sell’s Pork Rinds. And I have Wink to thank for that. Thanks, Mr. Martindale.

Sorry, it won’t do any good to bring in your scrap book photos of Bob Clayton when he was coaxing another homemaker to victory with the phrase “Moose Lye-k-Lee 2 Sox-Seed.” She might have won a trip to the Bahamas and a Home Version of Concentration but she’ll get no free booze here. She’ll need to go the Milford Public Library for a microfiche in the ’70’s of Wink hosting the $64,000 Pyramid (“You have a jaw like Roger Moore from James Bond.” “Did you do your hair at the Milford Dry Cleaners? You could put another face of Mount Rushmore on it.” “THINGS YOU’D SAY TO WINK!!!!!!!!”    DING DING) if she wants her Stroh’s Lite and Firm and Lay’s Vinegar ‘n’ Borscht.

And don’t bother with your 3-D photos of Art Fleming. I know you purists think Alex Trabek ruined Jeopardy and you’d like the old-school game show hosts to grace the stage once again (“Game Show Hosts for $200.” “He hosted Jeopardy back in the early ’70’s and got a hickey from a homemaker when she got the Daily Double correct.” “Who is Dick Clark?” “No, that is incorrect…”) but Art Fleming and his nasally sexy voice won’t get you a Bud Gold and the $2 box of Rice Chex Mix that goes with it. It’s either Wink Martindale or you are listening to a report from the stock yards.

 

Bring in that photo of you posing with Wink and Mickey Mouse at Milford Disney World and get a free slice of The Good Life for your troubles. C’mon, people, do ya really want to do a Polaroid of you and Gene Rayburn at the beach of Mudlark Lake? I hope Gene has plenty of UV protection. You deserve to be compensated for your loyalty to a man who was considered by Entertainment  Weekly to be the most influential game show host of the ’80’s and ’90’s. Get on down here with your 8 x 10 of ol’ Wink for some Miller Lite and pretzels and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Comment away. I get the feeling this is gonna drag on and on and on and…

Do ya really wanna see this in another commercial along with the Energizer Bunny? Thought so.

 

You better let somebody lovvvvveeeee you

TIKI

 

“Ahhhhhhh, Tiki, cum into my arms, don’t beeee shy, Pepe weel hep yoo get away from Haz-LEE Ve-NOME, DON’T RON AWAYYYYYY”

 

You better let somebody ELSE love you

TIKI

July 15, 2019

Careful With That Pizza, You Could Put Somebody’s Eye Out

Filed under: football, Gil Thorp, Hadley V. Baxendale, Pantheon of Hair, Ricozzi's Pizza, Tilden — nedryerson @ 4:25 am

07152019

Brief observations:

The pizza at Ricozzi’s is nice and stiff. It has dry, yellow cheese. Yes, color is at the mercy of some hacks at the syndicate, so that’s not all on Whigham. (The colorist used Zippy the Pinhead‘s mumu for reference when doing the pizza.)

The colorist is also not sure what to do with Hadley’s hair.

Yes, Hadley wants to do some lawyering while she’s hanging in Milford.

Panel 3 appears to be a scrimmage. Maybe a seven on seven. I don’t think we’ve seen schools competing in scrimmages.

July 13, 2019

Guess Who’s Thorping to Dinner

gt07132019

I kept wanting to drop the Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner reference in the past but I was really trying to shoehorn it into a plot. This week probably has been the most appropriate time to do it to date, what with Ed Asner V. Baxendale putting potential son-in-law Jaquan through the wringer. Granted Ed’s wringer is as dated as the one grandma had on the washing machine on her back porch, but having gotten a hand stuck in one of those once I can attest that they can do some damage.

Speaking of damage, check out Hadley going all Malory Archer on that glass of wine at Ricozzi’s. Girl’s got some pent-up hostility working there. Don’t check her out as much as Mimi’s checking out Jaquan, though. That would be awkward. Hadley manages to steer the chat toward something Gil’s more comfortable with… sportsball. Here comes the pivot to the tale of Tiki Jansen – the one we’ve all sussed out will be about Hadley doin’ some fierce lawyerin’ to get the Jansens into Trey Davis’ house, open a satellite office of her firm in Milford, and convince the Memphis Grizzlies New Orleans Pelicans Charlotte Hornets team Jaquan plays for to move there as well.

Summer’s in full swing here. Break out your beverage of choice, sit back, relax and see how this all falls out.

Added the Ricozzi’s Pizza tag, will apply it retroactively as time permits.

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