This Week in Milford

January 21, 2020

Ease Off, Alexa, I’m Pretending To Be A Coach And The Camera’s Rolling.

Filed under: Milford Idiots, Mimi Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 7:09 am

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He lived The Dream

 

He lived The Dream because he was The Dream. He worked and toiled to set ALL people free. And he chose to do it with love. Many leaders foment rebellion but Doctor Martin Luther King Junior was like Gandhi, if the cause was violent, neither wanted any part of it.

Please remember a man who set all men free through the gift of speech and through the ability to organize peacefully. Speaking as a Christian, I feel it is important to recognize a man who made it possible to implement what seemed impossible. And he did it with love.

On the birthday of Doctor Martin Luther King Junior, I would like to take the time to point out the grave injustices done to several African-American musicians. Because, for example, I am angered and outraged to find out Muddy Waters, one of the great Blues musicians, wound up working minimum-wage in a hardware store, I would ask the readership to please spread the word about Eric Clapton and The Rolling Stones who couldn’t do everything but did SOMETHING to address issues like this.

And for good measure, please spread the word for The Beatles, The Who, REM, U2, Duran Duran, The Police, Edgar Winter, and Johnny Winter who also did SOMETHING.

I am not asking you to buy their records. But if everybody would take the time to talk this up, SOMETHING will get accomplished. Doctor Martin Luther King Junior would have said the same thing.

Thank you for reading.

 

 

Alexa, as I recall, nobody was asking you to shoot ill-advised 3-pointers clunkers to ignite the Milford Girls Basketball offense. Hey, you’re still the Head Inmate running Mimi’s Prison & Grill but if you’ll listen CAREFULLY next time to Coach Mimi’s words (Jeez, it’s hard to utter these oxymorons) , she was essentially pointing out that as long as you and Chris Schuring are duking it out on the academic front and the athletic front (“I backed my man better than you did”) that points on your GPA should be equivalent to points on the scoreboard. I mean, she whacked you on the butt to drive home her message. Does she need to go get a 2 × 4 from Milford Hardwoods to enforce the issue?

In Dr. Pearl’s office one day

“Dr. Pearl, I’ve told her time and time again that when she’s open 2 feet under the basket to SHOOT THE DAMN BALL, not kick it out for a contested 25-footer!!!!!!!!!! And when she got an open look and went to the water fountain to go get a drink, that was the final straw. That’s traveling, Alexa.”

“Fine, Coach Thorp. Do what you have to do.”

WHACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I guess as long as there’s a witness and the paddle is made from the baobob tree and there’s no blood, no foul.

 

 

Big shout-out to Miranda Spurgeon of Louisville, Kentucky. She comes to work with presence of mind and makes good food for the customer to eat and judging by the customer business, she makes it pretty damn good. And she does it with a smile. She represents America with her focus to the task and let me tell you, that focus doesn’t get paid enough. Next time you’re in Pizza Hut on Lower Hunters Trace and Dixie Highway in Louisville, stop in and say hello to her. She’s more than earned her money and my respect.

Support Working America, Gang. They fuel America with a vengeance.

 

Gang, I know Thorpiverse likes perspective. It certainly adds fuel to the fire and spices up the plot. Naturally, applying Lawry’s Sea Salt to a dead battery isn’t going to start the vehicle anytime soon, but that’s beside the point. I just think how cool it is that the Mudlark Ladies Basketball team is being directed (?) by their fearless coach under a the roof of a gigantic Lionel Train set. If that doesn’t set historic precedent, nothing will.

And once at a Pacer game, Reggie Miller came out way early from halftime and practiced shooting 3’s, swishing every one of them. Guess what? We won on a last-second, off-balance 3 from Reggie himself. Ya llay the way ya practice.

 

Therefore, I just adore Alexa’s comments. My grandmother was a Republican, my mother was a Republican, therefore I ain’t shootin’ the rock out next to the trail official again. I got my pride, you know. Oh, we get it, Alexa, neither your grandmother nor your mother was Reggie Miller, so you ain’t about to make a fool out of yourself. If you’re going to do any kicking out when you’re wide open, you ain’t gonna do any kickin’ at the 10-second line. Sure, ya play the way ya practice. Makes sense.

Grandma made a career out of passing up easy looks to lead the team to victory. Way to take one for the team, Grandma. And the tradition continues. Successs breeds success.

 

If ya shoot squirrel with a bow cuz yore granddaddy did it with a sword he won from the Civil War and yore daddy killed ’em with a Bowie knife, both off ’em dumpin’ McCormick’s Oregano ta spice up the spoils, and ya do the same dumpin’ with McCormick’s Parsley and Sage, ya might be a redneck.

 

I remember reading a book a few years back called “Psychiatry and Ethics” that was written by a psychiatrist and professor shortly before he died. In his introductory comments, he pointed out that age was not necessarily a sign of wisdom but many times an accumulation of a lot of muddled ideas.

So when I see that Big Close-up of Mimi today, I’m not expecting Taoism to fall out of the sky.

The basketball team functions as one within you and it simply operates. Just relax and kick back-

“Coach, you got 10 seconds to get on the floor.”

We’ll contemplate the Tao on the next 20-second time out.

 

Ooooooookkkkkkkk, so let’s see what happens when Alexa ignores GilMimi logic and keeps ignoring the bucket whether she makes a beautiful backdoor cut for a bunny or gets a Patrick-Ewing-4-steps-to-the-basket runner by going back in time. Don Fischer with the call in 1987 (cold as Hell in my car while I was listening but worth it based on the result-ha) and it’s the NCAA Finals game

“Down low to Darryl Thomas. Kicks it back out to Keith Smart. Smart with the shot-OH NOOOOOOO, HE PASSES IT TO DON NOORT AND NOORT SHOOTS AT THE OTHER GOAL. SYRACUSE WINS THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Scary. Alexa, I’ll admit Gil and Mimi wouldn’t know WHAT TO DO with Don Noort, the best 12th man the Hoosiers ever had, but if you don’t want him and Magnus Pelkowski in the Starting 5 against Michigan in the 1976 Championship game, you better shoot while the passing lanes are open. Don Noort teamed up with Isaiah Thomas and Landon Turner in ’81? If you haven’t been offensive, er, a gunner before, you better shoot the J or G.J. Smith might join them. Oops, that’s Kentucky. Well, you get the concept.

And doncha just love that Mount Rushmore profile Thorpiverse attempts to project? Like George Washington was drawing up a box-and-one on Gentleman John Burgoyne when he was posing in the hills of South Dakota.

And I could swallow that portrait if she wasn’t so friggin’ clueless. Once upon a time, she was in her office calculating how lucky her team was, her pocket calculator actually displaying a winning record function.

Then she playfully whacks Alexa on the butt and that’s where Mimi went wrong. She should have gotten those Marine boots Gil had stored in the Spanish-American war chest and laid into Alexa’s derriere. Sure, it didn’t match your Izod gym suit but if you want to light a fire under Don Noort’s butt, fashion is a low priority. Shoot the damn ball on a lay-up or you’ll see more of what Jack La Laine wore at Iwo Jima. Attaway, take charge, Coach.

And I’d like to give the benefit of the doubt and say that Teddy Roosevelt in P2 has an air of confidence before besieging San Juan Hill. But I wouldn’t want to be in his unit based UPON P2. I’ll sit out this one and help the medics on the back line.

What I REALLY think Teddy, er, Mimi is communicating, based upon the facial English is “Dammit, I didn’t slap your ass and risk a lawsuit for no reason, SHOOT THE BALL (but if you pass up easy opportunities and we win by 30, that’s OK too, I get mixed up on which bucket to shoot at too, the plot forgot to tell us which end we’re shooting at so if you shoot a lay-up and make it and the opponent gets awarded the 2, you’ll know to shoot lay-ups and pass up easy bunnies on the other end. It helps to know which end where your offense is sucking.)

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Laterals To The Left Guard 2 Yards Shy Of The Goal Line, Team Loses Contest In Milford Parks & Recreation Flag Football League!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I ain’t no Jim Brown.”

 

 

And don’t that beat all. This whole ShootScandal (or maybe Bunnygate) has dragged down into girly gossip in P3. Boy, nothing like Jan and Marcia and Cindy and Don and G.J. as my starting 5. Can’t wait for the Rotisserie League to start. They’ll shoot the ball anyway. Didn’t say where.

Yeah, while Alexa needs to be reminded by Coach Norman Dale, because Mimi’s profile is still hardening next to Abe Lincoln, that the basket is still 15 feet from the free throw line and that tall people have been known to shoot in that area or thereabouts, the plot has been temporarily (fingers crossed) sidetracked, resembling a chapter out a Louisa May Alcott novel

Jan was shy and was quite unclear where her heart should be, let alone the ball. Marcia’s acquaintance, Gilshire Bunnygate, Esq., had attained a reputation for beguiling the fortunes of her demeanor and therefore encouraged Cindy to pursue an alternate course to the baseline. G.J. and Don, two lackeys who brought the brougham to the estate, exhibited an uncharacteristic altruism by sacrificing the prize for the greater good. The game was won quite handily.

I think Marty Moon appears in the next chapter. I’ll let you know.

 

“And Coach Mimi Thorp calls a time out. Alexa Watson is struggling on 2-of-11 shooting and it is evident as Milford has fallen behind with Central leading, 26-17. We’ll take a break and come back after these messages. This is Narty Moon and your listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

 

On the roof of the Milford High School gym

 

I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M GOING TO END IT ALL NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Honnnnneyyyyyyyy, why are you on this roof? Don’t you want to come to bed with me?”

I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M GOING TO END IT-

“Honey, don’t be afraid. I called the Milford Suicide Prevention Line and they are here to help.”

“Coach Shaw, whatever your reasons for jumping, please listen to reason. We just want to know what’s wrong.”

“Shit, I wanted to impress the Mrs. by getting harder than Pike’s Peak but I’m still flatter than the Florida Everglades. I couldn’t perform oral sex on a Florida panther. I knew I shouldn’t have applied Miracle-Gro.  I CAN’T GO ON!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Coach Shaw, your wife here has set up an appointment at Milford Men’s Clinic for an emermency massage, a round-the-clock service that is fully-staffed 24/7. All you have to do is fill out some easy paperwork, drop your Levi’s and the masseuse will do the rest. That’s better than landing in the dumpster below.”

“Honey, you don’t want to be filthy with cafeteria food. And this is a better option. Sometimes when the bear won’t bite you, you have to let somebody apply some TLC and rub some Ben-Gay along the way. You may smell mediciny but you’ll be solid as a church.”

“And Coach Shaw, who’s going to take your place in the fall? The other temp coaches went to Dagwood to coach Elmo’s 10-and-under traveling football squad.”

 

 

The crisis prevention specialist had a point. And I missed gettin’ it on in bed. And after a thorough psychiatric evaluation at Milford State Hospital, I’ll be able to leave the padded room and head to Milford Men’s Clinic for some tender touches. Yup, once I convince the psychiatric staff that I will not warm my significant other on the bulletin board, it’s all downhill from there. And my wife’s goin’ down and she’s gonna love it.

Don’t put your own sex life in a straitjacket. Come to Milford Men’s Clinic and get yourself free. Take it from me, freedom is not hard once you’re hard.

 

Thanks for your patience. I just hope I don’t lose mine watching this game.

 

 

January 20, 2020

Bonking @ Central

Filed under: actual action, basketball, freak hands, Pantheon of Mysterious Objects — nedryerson @ 5:50 am

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Panel 1 is Chris Schuring having had a better game than he’ll admit to? Yeah, I guess I can see that, but instead I’m looking at what Chris has in his freak hand. Is it a roll of scotch tape?

The actual action today is the Lady Mudlarks with yet more of Alexa Watson’s development as a player. She’s tossing up bricks but her teammate/bestie is offering encouragement. Is it just me, or are both of these wannabe valedictorians (so, they’re seniors) not worth all the effort. Surely there are other players on the benches that actually have a head for the game.

Those legs in Panel 3 are not right. They belong on a rugby pitch.

January 18, 2020

The freak hands are better.

Filed under: Bad Jokes, freak hands, lessons learned, Milford Weirdos — robmize2013 @ 4:39 pm

OMG – filling in for Teenchy today as he’s on a long day trip. Chris produces a full page stat sheet that I’m sure is available on both the internet and your local bathroom wall at a sports bar. Nothing like perusing those 4 for 9 stats while taking a leak next to some dude who’s 3 sheets to the wind, pissing for 10 minutes. . Multi-tasking at its finest. I go to Hooters every now and then and they have the sports page on the wall above the urinals, so this aint far-fetched.

Chris’ teammate points out (literally) that he’s better served dishing the rock for assists, even though the only points we saw the big guy score were after Schuring got faced on a layup attempt. Chris looks like one of those small guards who would be wise to stay out of the paint, as otherwise any big guy would shove the ball down his throat.

Then we see P3 and he’s actually TALLER then the center?? Hey Gil— your lineup needs work buddy.  Chris must have zero vertical leap if he’s blocked by someone who then allows the real Shorty to get the put-back.

Playing offense in your head?? How about playing it on the court? Methinks that’ll work better. Team of duffusses, these guys. At least they have great hands.

 

January 17, 2020

Stat caring its a Milford thing

Filed under: actual action, basketball — robmize2013 @ 10:51 pm

More exciting hoops action against a familiar foe – Madison. 2 plays in an otherwise yawner of a conference game finds the Larks prevailing, and another player looking at the stat sheet in the locker room. I never played high school basketball, but I guarantee that not ONE player looks at a stat sheet in the locker room after the game. Sure as Columbus discovered America. And if someone else knows how many points said player scored, well, thats another pipe dream. Nobody gives a crap. They shower, check their Snapchat sites, and mosey on home or to the bus for the ride home. Kids know who’s good and who isnt. They dont need validation from a piece of paper.

January 16, 2020

Catch As Catch And Pass.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:58 pm

 

So much for striking while the iron is hot. Looks like Chris put his lightning rod down to go take a pee behind the bleachers.

Didn’t Coach Thorp say several days ago that when the opportunity is there, you need to pounce (his exact words) ? Look no further than today’s strip to observe that Gil’s Experiment failed. That’s right, Chris Schuring is still in the mode that when you see 10,000 Indians at Little Big Horn, kick it out. Don’t be like William Armstrong Custer and force the shot. Some refs literally call No Blood No Foul and even if there’s blood, you’re dead on the ground with 37 arrows. Then ya gotta sit on the bench for at least the next dead ball or whenever you wipe away the blood, according to the Blood Rule in High School Basketball. Sucks.

Now we still have several strips to go and even Hi “Lois Wouldn’t Be Caught Dead With That Hairdo Nor Her Brother Beetle Bailey” James was getting in on the act and exhorting to not be so unselfish. Sometimes you can dunk with Sitting Bull camped in the lane and they’re not calling Illegal Defense. So Chris might actually get out his Zippo and light it up and reach Wilt-like numbers. Hey, there’s parity not only in College Basketball but in Gil’s teaching methods. It’ll come ’round, I’m sure.

You gotta be ready when opportunity meets reality, Chris. Shoot one for the team. As Knute Rockne once said, good players come out to shoot, not watch the game.

 

If yore told ta shoot with yore shotgun at Milford Fish & Wildlife Management Area even though ya cain’t stand to watch an animal get killed but natural instincts naturally kick in and ya atomize a squirrel ya treed with yore beagles and ya wind with Squirrels ‘n’ Bits fer dinner, ya might be a redneck.

 

And what is a COOKIE doing on the basketball floor? Man, don’t the refs call illegal debris on the court anymore?

Wait a minute, that’s a BASKETBALL. One that’s collected a little too much sand at the beaches of Mudlark Lake Resort. I mean, that sphere is chock full o’ chocolate chips, Gang. Couldn’t you see the commercial

 

Pillsbury Dough Boy performing a reverse slam, a Magic Johnson no-look pass to Michael Cooper for an easy 2, a half-court heave for tickets to sit courtside behind the Mudlark bench, a baseline jumper, a Kareem sky-hook

“And the best part is, they’re still warm enough to dunk in your milk at bedtime”

Quoth The Pillsbury Dough Boy as the obligatory poke to his stomach ends the commercial.

Man, that has possibilities. When the opportunity is there, you need to pounce, Pillsbury Dough Boy.

 

The night Wilt scored 100 points, Billy Cunningham was interviewed after the game

“Yeah, me and Wilt combined for 105 points.”

 

Come to Jeff Smith Marathon in Edwardsville, Indiana. I’m tellin’ ya, as I came in to pump my gas, they were moving cars in and out of the garage to fix and get fixed. Now THAT’S busy. And Bre was there with the smile on her face and the usual courteous service. Crystal and Georgiana are always great with customers too. Heck, when I was leaving, they were still moving cars in and out of the garage. Keep that business rollin’, My Friend. And keep up the good work.

Support Small Business, Gang. You need to go where everybody knows your name. The Good People at Jeff Smith Marathon know mine.

 

shiny happy people playing D

Shiny Happy People playing D

SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE PLAYING D

 

Keep him from the hoop

Guard him Shove him

Spread the D around

Chin up Hands up

 

Move your feet in step so he won’t shoot from 8

 

Ooooooookkkkkk, REM out of the way, Gang, doncha just love it when the Shiny Happy People are always guarding the Mudlarks like in P2? I’ve heard of puttin’ on your Game Face but stapling on that semi-smile is a tad unnecessary. Everyone in the building knows you have focus. We don’t need a Smiley Face to turn up the intensity.

But you old-timers, I’m sure, are used to players with happy feet and face trying to take the Mudlarks out of the offense. But with Gil displaying his own happy visage several days after a heartbreaking loss, the Mudlarks know how to match up. The other team seems to overlook that in the scouting report. Yeah, it won’t do you any good, Mudlark opponents, if you have a coach who’s made a career of smiling for the camera when you’re staging a rally. If the bear DOES bite you, you just smile, then bite it back. Little wonder why Milford has a winning record over the decades.

And it won’t do you any good to execute a Game Face Extreme (P1) so you exhibit the intensity of Godzilla. You may destroy the town of Milford by stomping on and smashing every building in sight but Milford still more often than not walks away with a W.

 

“Gil, our house was here this morning.”

“Let our opponents do what they want, we still have the Holiday Tourney trophy.”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J.’s Condo Overrun By Them!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I need to call Milford Pest Control. They even ate my Maserati.”

 

And geometry prevails once again in P2. Baryshnikov executed that ballet move in “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies.” If he can perform that coup de grace in those gym shorts the Madison defender is wearing, he’s got my vote for World Class Dancer.

The consolation prize is he still doesn’t have to worry about Chris doing any pouncing, not yet anyway. The minute Chris decides to switch into Dominique Wilkins-taking-on-the-rest-of-the-Milford-gym (dude could dunk, though, treadin’ lightly) , those gym shorts will get a serious workout. I hope the Madison defender has needle and thread in his gym bag.

 

My high school sociology teacher, Mr. Lawrence, an excellent teacher, BTW, made the astute observation in class one time that the average TV viewer had the educational level and general outlook of a 13-year-old. I couldn’t agree more.

But does Thorpiverse think he can take that one and run with it in P3? Just yesterday, Chief ‘Abbreviated Name Who Rides On Pintos was motioning as if encouraging Chris to shoot. That would make sense. Again, don’t be TOO unselfish, Chris. You need to show a little game yourself if you want to help the team win. Pounce on the grizzly while the rest of the team is holding the beast down. The opportunity is there once again.

But evidently Thorpiverse is ruining that logic put forth by Mr. Lawrence and insulting our intelligence. Some of us did graduate from kindergarten, Coach.

You don’t think we didn’t NOTICE that Chris is still pretty much being gun-shy, not that it wasn’t a pretty kick-out for a bomb that could set the tone for this game? Oh, yeah, instruct him one way yesterday, then tell him that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it TODAY. Just let that leaky pipe keep leaking. As long as we have water to pour in Mr. Coffee so that we can slurp our Eight o’ Clock Decaf, there’s no need to call the plumber, no matter how many times Gil and I have handed you the Milford Yellow Pages to get his number on the landline. I can’t wait for the instructional video to come out.

On a Jane Fonda Aerobics Workout

“Remember yesterday when I told you to sit up and down 1000 times to the music of Eric Clapton’s ‘Tangled in Love’ to  remove the flab from your gluteus maximus? Change of plans. Today I want you to stand on your head and pump those cheeks straight off the wall, music still the same. Clapton is God, y’know.”

 

And I LOVE the chunky bracelet observations many of our readers posit. That and the flying saucers, part of which we see in P3, DEFINITELY qualify for Pantheon of Mysterious Objects. Hey, I’d be a little leery if someone was chirping contradictory advice while a UFO was suspended over us and taking notes.

 

“Schuring dribbles courtside right. Down to D Squared in the low post. 13 on the shot clock. He’s double-teamed and kicks it over to Antonio Davis on the left baseline. Nothing doing and sends it back over to Schuring, 5 on the shot clock. Schuring penetrates, then kicks it back out to Reggie for threeeeeee…”

BOOM BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Whatever advice Coach Thorp has thrown Schuring’s way is doing no good here. Schuring seems to be pursuing his own agenda, much to the Pacers’ favor.”

“Gotta get after it, Chris.”

“I agree, Slick. And now Madison calls time-out to talk things over. With 4:55 left in the 3 quarter, it’s the Pacers, 75, Madison, 63, on the Fan Duel Scoreboard. We’ll be back in a moment. This is Mark Boyle on the Pacers Radio Network.”

 

“Do you need insurance but are living within a budget? Are you afraid that the police will pull you over when you can’t show your insurance card, let alone your registration? What if your house burns down after the toaster malfunctioned from an overload of Pop Tarts?”

Hi, this is Mr. Dr. Pearl. Some of you know me as the husband of the principal of Milford High School. But what you don’t know is that when she and I got married, we were unsure how to finance our insurance. Renting out a residence at the Versailles Palace wasn’t cheap and neither was renter’s insurance. Thank Heaven the pros at Milford Farm Bureau Insurance were there to offer a policy that covered everything up to the sateen covers on the bed. Good thing, I didn’t want to sleep with my wife on the couch we financed from The Salvation Army even if renters insurance covered that as well.

But Milford Farm Bureau Insurance also sells automobile insurance. And did it ever come in handy when my Model T collided with some kid in his Trans Am blasting James Brown’s ‘It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s World’. The company not only underwrote the engine overhaul, the kid got fined several thousand dollars for violating Milford City Noise Ordinance.

And for you business owners, golly, are you in luck. Milford Farm Bureau Insurance is headquarters for workplace insurance. When a factory worker fell in the vat at Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Enterprises, the worker received Workman’s Comp and Gil received a check to recover piece of mind. Tighten the bolts on the metal stairway along with assurances of no more accidents that went beyond a Band-Aid, and the check was as good as in the bank at Milford Federal.

Come down and talk to one of the agents and see how Milford Farm Bureau Insurance can help you get started on a policy that won’t strain the pocketbook. You owe it to yourself to see all the amenities they have to offer. Me, I’m glad me and the missus don’t have to share the toilet anymore. That’s correct, even the bathroom’s covered on our homeowner’s policy.

Milford Farm Bureau Insurance. People who care and dare to show it with their great rates and service. People like you and me who all agree Gil should be run out of town. Well, they don’t have a policy on that. Yet.”

 

Thanks for your patience, Gang. Things got busy but FINALLY able to kick it out to Muench Man. God, he better make it.

 

Heard after another take on Shiny Happy People video

“Keri, let Jaime ride the tricycle for a while.”

 

Jack La Laine on TV one morning

“Come on, Grandma, I know I told you to run in place yesterday but today I want you to do some knuckle push-ups. We’ll tone up those stomach muscles one way or the other.”

 

January 15, 2020

You Gotta Have ‘Watha

Filed under: basketball, big arms, freak hands, Gil Thorp, Madison Time — teenchy @ 6:59 am

gt01152020

You might think that a kid named Hiawatha would be nicknamed “Hi” but this is the world of the comics. Beetle Bailey’s brother-in-law already goes by that name and even though Gil Thorp has been around since 1958, the Walker-Browne Comics Consortium has seniority. Then again maybe Rubin has baseball on the brain and was thinking of long-time Royals catcher (and later manager) John Wathan. I know The Duke was who first came to my mind; after all, Hiawatha is a catcher too. Since I have baseball on the brain, it naturally followed that I thought of that seminal work on Japanese baseball and its reflection of Japanese culture.*

Time for the Mudlarks to start conference play and boy is Chris Schuring edgy. ‘Watha (sporting a new ‘do since football season) and Tom “Butt” Muench try to calm Chris, but little do they know about Chris’ secret humiliation in Gil’s office. Sure, it’s one thing to tell someone to trust their instincts, but what if their instincts and their coach’s directive conflict? Something tells me there’ll be a lot of passing but not a lot of scoring, and the Mudlarks will leave Madison with a big L. If that other big L Teddy DeMarco ends up stuffed in a locker by Saturday, it’ll have been worth it.

 

*If you’re bored this winter and in need of some hot stove reading material, I highly recommend you pick up a copy.

January 14, 2020

“In Other Words, If You Want To Make Honor Roll This Semester, You Have To Reach Double Bonus.”

Filed under: basketball, Boredom in Milford — tdrewhardin @ 1:59 pm

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This is the city. Milford USA. It’s a city like any other city, it has its parks, residential areas, factories, shopping centers, and schools. But unlike other cities, this city contains a high school with a gentleman who coaches multiple sports and sports multiple absences. When he does appear on the scene, sometimes questionable activities appears in his rearview mirror. The fans have long since tolerated his inept attempts to lead the kids to victory. I’ll smoke my Camels in the Milford Police Department break room and read the racing forms and bet on the winning horse at Milford Downs.

But when he oversteps the line and ethics and the law are in double overtime, that’s when I go to work. My name’s Friday. I carry a badge.

 

It was a typical winter day in Milford. Lots of sunshine but a hint of a blizzard was in the forecast later this evening. There were a lot of frisbee golfers out at Milford Frisbee Range taking advantage of the balmy conditions.

My partner, Bill Gannon, and I were assigned to the Academic and Sports Fraudulent Operations & Enterprises Division of the Milford Police Department. The boss is Captain DeMarco.

We had been informed to be on the lookout for dubious operatives pertaining to a certain student. Her name was reported to be Alexa Watson. She went by the nickname “Grade Shark”. She had a reputation for dumping anyone in the river who aced her on the Trig Final. We had encounrered a couple of bloated bodies but the only thing we observed when she opened the trunk were the groceries. This investigation was going to take time. Lots of time.

“Joe, just talked to HQ on the talkie. Found another one in the creek. His slide rule had leeches all over it.”

“Not surprised. If you want to go to Harvard, you better cover it up. And fast.”

“How does she do it? Right now her record is clean while the student body is declining.”

“Beats me.”

“I guess if you want to go to Yale, you simply say ‘Boola, Boola’ when you’re smoking in the bathroom.”

“Some kids know how to break the rules and get an ‘A’ on the term paper, I guess.”

“Kids these days. Commit armed robbery at Milford Federal and graduate Summa Cum Laude. I don’t get it.”

“Me neither.”

“Joe, are you seeing what I’m seeing?”

“Time to go to work. Let’s go.”

Watson was seen carrying a basketball into the Milford gym. She committed the same fatal flaw every criminal makes, performing something out of character with the script. When you stood out like the burnt pickle on a Bucket Burger, you were a sitting duck for the law. Watson would be quacking a long time on this one.

 

If ya get caught in the file cabinet cuz ya wanted ta change the grade illegally on yore woodworking project in Introductory Woods class cuz ya found some treated wood that’d hold up better on yore outhouse that ya built, ya might be a redneck.

 

Gang, if there’s 3 inevitable items on the table us Thorpiverse veterans are inured to, it’d be death, taxes, and the revolving door and I don’t mean leading into Gil’s office. Thorpiverse always keeps us well-stocked with anonymous characters who step out of the sewer line of some random street in Milford and apprise Gil of a situation like the one we have on our plate today. We have no clue what function Mrs. Jane Doe is serving at this juncture nor her job title. Is she a teacher? Counselor? Department Head of Industrial Arts? Whatever her role, she is one of a million people who remain incognito while serving as a bridge to the plot-for-a-day scenario, a tactic well-used by Thorpiverse since its inception.

“Dr. Pearl, we need more buffer pads for the machine. And we need 3 more orders of toilet paper after Gil used a whole roll from that Faculty Enchilada Brunch this afternoon.”

“Certainly. BTW, did you get that PSAT score report audit on the sophomore class? The State called about it again about 15 minutes ago.”

 

Then there’s academics practically being called a contact sport. This is another flailing attempt for Thorpiverse to use a literary device, in this case a metaphor, to inflate the plot when in reality it needs to hit the Milford Men’s Clinic sooner than Coach Shaw and that’s pretty puffy, if you ask me.

Yeah, yeah, Alexa shouldn’t have her hand on the player’s fanny when the latter is working on the cosine wave (“Let me see, cos 60 degrees equals 1/2-HEY, will you quit pulling down my shorts?”) . Don’t want to let the game get out of control. Call it tight now. If it’s a foul, call it, if the player takes 5 steps with the graphing calculator, call traveling, if the player is in the arctan area for 10 seconds, call 3 seconds. We don’t the game to get out of hand. We completely understand, Thorpiverse.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Ejected After Flagrant Foul In Milford Parks & Recreation 6 Feet And Under League Basketball Game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Witnesses confirm he kicked Spud Webb in the groin while Webb was contesting a breakaway dunk.”

 

2:27PM. Bill and I went to talk with Mrs. Doe about the reports she attempted to turn in to the State Superintendent of Public Instruction. We managed to flag her down just as she was about to give them to the mailman before he took off in his LLV on his mounted route. We had hope this would help in eventually cracking the case

“Look, Gil forgot to put a stamp on it. That’s why it couldn’t be mailed.”

“Sir, we’re asking Mrs. Doe that question.”

“Oops. Sorry, Gentlemen.”

“Quite all right”

LLV drives away out of the Milford High School parking lot

“Alexa begged us not to mail it. I gave in because I have a soft heart for kids plus Chris blew the game. I couldn’t reward people who choke in the clutch.”

“So what did you do next?”

“I gave them to Dr. Pearl. She said she would throw them away as they were supernumerary reports and did not affect the Bell Curve. Alexa still had a chance to catch Chris with these reports in the garbage can.”

“Ma’am, you can’t throw away confidential information just on the whim of your bleeding heart. You could wind up in the hoosegow.”

Gannon had a point. Flirting with somebody’s academic future was analogous with Mimi’s analogies. Both were dangerous and inexplicable.

“Is there anything else?”

“No, ma’am, just sit tight until we complete the investigation.”

“Will I go to jail?”

“Not sure. That’ll be up to the Director of Academic Fraud Bunco Division.”

“Alexa’s a nice kid. She deserves only the best. She really respects Mimi Thorp. And Gil also.”

“But so does Chris.”

Somber music sets in

 

Oh Brother. These so-called Teachable Moments like we’re supposedly experiencing in P2 is about as laughable as all get out.

Like, what is your point, Mimi? If Wilt scored 100 on that fateful night in ’62 at the Hershey, Pennsylvania gym, he’d have his Honorary Diploma from Milford High School? I can understand trying to motivate to score more but just about a week ago you were in your office beating your brains out, loosely speaking, attempting to improve your team. It’s bad enough that that went nowhere and in time it’ll more than likely STILL GO NOWHERE but do you have to run up the score with SAT analogies?

Let me see if I’m understanding you correctly

POINTS::GRADES—–GIL’S HAIR::VIDAL SASSOON RECYCLABLE SPRAY BOTTLES

That might work but points can be differentiated but Gil’s hair could arguably be compared to The Blob movie in the ’50’s. Let’s try again

POINTS::GRADES—–NUMBER OF YEARS DR. PEARL HAS ROAMED THE EARTH::DENTURES SHE HAS POSSESSED IN HER BUREAU DURING THAT TIME

The analogy is an obvious dead-ringer but too verbose for an SAT test. The writers of Cliff Notes Guide to SAT Preparation would have a fit trying to cram that in their latest edition. Nope, better look elsewhere

POINTS::GRADES—–MUDLARKS::LOSERS

Now THAT’S an analogy. Both can distributed singularly like points and grades, and the more you have of one, the more you have of the other. Mimi’s Direct Proportion passes with flying colors on this one.

 

WHO SHOT COACH SHAW::MYSTERY—–CURRENT PLOT:ENIGMA

It works, Gang. I wouldn’t be surprised that we get to the bottom of either one.

 

And THE DAGWOOD BUMSTEAD BACKGROUND CHARACTERS ARE BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You old-timers know what I’m talking about. Dagwood is ringing out Blondie because she is spending way too much at some department store and the nameless blob of people are looking on in curiosity, bewilderment, consternation, interest, etc. But before the punchline delivers its punch, The Blob (not the same as Gil’s hair, The People Blob, mind you) is seen doing different things, making purchases, checking sizes of shirts and pants, hunching in some corner (“Dagwood, what is Mr. Dithers doing over by the drinking fountain?” “I Dunno, Blondie.”) , laughing and yukking it up with a fellow shopper, that sort of thing.

Congratulations, Phoebe and your cohort in P2, you are now part of Dagwood’s crowd. Yup, you are filling in space during Mimi’s Lifetime Lesson, sure to trickle down to your ears even as Mimi is lecturing. You might want to put down the beach ball and take some notes.

And this is my point. Usually, if a coach is in a one-on-one session with a player to emphasize a point, the OTHER players are involved in a shootaround or practicing free throws or doing a light jog before practice. Not too many high school practices include players with thumbs up their asses and Dagwooding it while the coach is exhorting another player to improve his or her game. It’s great you have your uniforms on but this is not a modeling show. The baskets are around somewhere in the gym. You’ll just have to look for them. I think I saw one by the Ski machine. They’ve been known to hide.

 

4:18PM. Bill Gannon and I stopped in to talk with Dr. Pearl. Safe to say the conversation was not going to be about her New Wave Granny hairdo. We wanted answers and we wanted them fast.

“We run an honest business around here. We would never stoop so low as to change a student’s transcript so that another student can get that student’s scholarship to MIT.”

“Look, Ma’am, we weren’t born yesterday. When a kid like Chris flunks Home Ec because he left Shake ‘n’ Bake in the oven too long, we get suspicious. He could have easily done a make-up assignment and cooked a batch of Zatarain’s Rice Pilaf.”

“The Home Ec teacher called in and could not shop at Milford 7-11 for emergency supplies.”

“That’s not our problem. I could nail you on Section 19, Article 57 ‘Engineering to Perpetrate Academic Alteration with Intent to Perform Bodily Harm’, but you have tenure and your wall is impregnable for the moment. But watch your back side, Dr. Pearl.”

“Let me assure you, academic integrity is our utmost concern at Milford High School.”

“Look, Dr. Pearl, Friday has a point. We’re not asking you to bare your soul for Mr. Schuring, so keep your gingham dress on. We just want things to be on the up-and-up so both Miss Watson and Mr. Schuring can stand on the podium and shake your hand when you confer their diplomas. Don’t send Mr. Schuring out to lunch for Bucket Crawdads while Miss Watson is graduating With Honors.”

“Chris will get the same treatment as Alexa, I’m committed to that concept.”

“And we’re committed to your keeping that commitment, Bucket Crawdads or no Bucket Crawdads.”

Somber music once again after Joe’s last zinger

 

P3-“Did you know your fly is open?”

Could also easily fit into Mimi’s balloon if that were left blank.

 

“We’ll return to the conclusion of Dragnet after these important messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

 

“With January upon us, a lot of us got our wallets cleaned out from all that Christmas shopping. And if you live in the Skid Row subdivision behind the Milford High School Athletic Annex, buying The Good Life, when you can’t even afford foodstuffs, can be a hassle.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp speaking for Milford Beverage Warehouse. The good people at The Warehouse don’t want you to do without so they have started an exciting new program, the Name Your Price policy when buying liquor. It’s an innovative way of reaching out to the customer who cannot afford a 30-Pack of Drewry’s Dark because he has to pay off 2 court-ordered alimony payments. A man who couldn’t stay under the bed with another woman without a rolling pin bonking his head shouldn’t have to do without a cold one.

And check this out. You lucky dogs who sleep on the picnic tables at night at Milford State Park with nothing but an old Superman kiddie blanket are in for a treat. If you can pay $2.99 for Jim Beam Bourbon, The Warehouse will be more than happy to pour it an Erlenmeyer flask, duct-tape it, and send you out the door a free man.

And some of you lost your shirt at Milford Steamboat Casino and have to stay within a budget. No problemo. If you have $5.00, The Warehouse is only too glad to store Ecco Domani Pinot Grigio, the Wine of Champions, into large Styrofoam Dixie Cups. Shoot, they’ll even throw in a straw.

And did you get sued out the wazoo because your semi plowed into a station wagon and now you’re on a waiting list at Milford Shelter House? If you have $3.99, The Warehouse will supply you with your demand for Michelob Ultra, both cans with the extra-safe tab so kid can drink it and steal your joy. And if you have a coupon, you’ll get an extra can at no charge. Sounds like sensible Free Market Economics to me.

So come on, all you freeloaders out there. Don’t be afraid to go through the double doors and dictate your policy. You can go through the same line as guy with the Visa Gold and the 24-Pack of Natural Light and not be ashamed. You can even sign up for the Mystery Pack. For $10.00, you can get a whole bag of goodies to take back to your cot. I’m not allowed to say what’s in the bag this month but last month’s grab bag had some Oreos, 12-Pack Corona Extra, Mott’s Apple Juice, Tylenol in Liquid Tablets, Knob Creek Whiskey, 750 Milliliters, Brawny Quilted Bathroom Tissue, and some Roscato Wine. Boy, I’d like to be able to wipe my butt, then sip on a pint in the evening on my verandah when the sun goes down.

Get your butt on down here and do your own wiping and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

 

It’s all yours, Gang. Time to down a Bud and sit on the bleachers and listen to Mimi’s words of wisdom. Life is good.

 

 

POINTS::GRADES—–MARTY MOON::SNAILS

“Chris, dammit!!!!!!!!!! Look at your own answer sheet!!!!!!!!!!!! And I ain’t loanin’ pu another #2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Mimi the Proctor looks up from her “How to Win Friends and Influence Players” by Dale Carnegie III

“Do I have to separate you two?”

 

On January 14th, 2020, Jane Doe was found guilty in the Milford Superior Court of violation of State Law 102, Section 9, Article 15 “Wrongful Forgery of Academic Documentation and Illegal Pedagogical Enterprises in the Line of Educational Duty” whichbis punishable by a fine of not more than $60,000 and imprisonment for a minimum of 60 years but not exceeding 89 years.”

Jane Doe standing with blank background behind her, the graphics in front of her on the TV screen

Mrs. Doe is currently serving 71 years in the Milford Maximum Security Plot Prison.

 

January 13, 2020

Tell Chris To Watch His Noggin!

Filed under: Chunky Bracelets, general nonsense, Gil Thorp — nedryerson @ 4:33 am

01132020

Still no word on who this administrative lady is chatting with Gil in the teacher’s lounge about student athlete’s GPAs. We know she’s a witty one, though. Upside the noggin with a Reebok? That’s some colorful slang. Mystery Admin is also quite dialed in to happenings in the student sphere at MHS. She knows all about Alexa’s pursuit of the valedictorian seat as well as Alexa’s potential for footwear assault. One might speculate that there is some kind of gambling going on based on the student rankings and that Miss Mystery is the one who has “hot tips” gleaned from skulking in the hallways, eavesdropping and/or monitoring social media accounts. She’s a Fantasy GPA Insider! Subscribe to her newsletter if you want any chance at taking the trophy.

 

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