This Week in Milford

June 5, 2020

All you need now is a brain

Filed under: baseball, Gil Thorp, Milford Idiots, Valley Modified — robmize2013 @ 7:52 pm

Well now we know why the Mayor is in whats basically reform school– he’s a dope. Yeah all we need is everything you need to play a game. Even though nobody has that right now. Hope they remember they need an umpire.

But we have a few weeks to get ready. All we need is to ask Gil for use of the high school diamond.

Why the hell cant they find another field somewhere in the vicinity that isnt being used? Jesus its only a practice game! Why even ask Gil about it? Well, because you’re using teammates who may be needed in a real game sometime. I have no idea why they dont wait til schools out and everyones off for the summer, (even though thats the case now, and in a few weeks it’ll be July, and the players will be on their own, save for summer ball, but thats another can of worms we arent getting into here.)

Why does anyone need help with equipment? Bring your glove, and at that level they should All have their own bat. Catchers gear needs 2 sets, so maybe thats an issue, but otherwise what else do they really need? Baseballs should be able to be bought or rounded up between the 2 teams. A scorebook can be drawn up in a notebook easily.

I’m actually ok with this whole idea, as long as its After the high school season is completed. But they dont need to use the high school diamond, which should be off limits when school is out. It should be an interesting matchup, like the Bad News Bears against the Yankees back in the 70’s. And we know how that one turned out…

June 4, 2020

Daddy Played First, Mama Played Second, Needed A Third Baseman To Join Right In There.

Filed under: big arms, Just plain sad, Pointy Fingers, Valley Modified — tdrewhardin @ 12:44 pm

060420bI would like to remember George Floyd and Breonna Taylor. For whatever charges were levied against them, they did have a right to expect the police to take the high road. Any public official who stoops to the level of its constituents deserves to be terminated. As Father Brown said once in the Father Brown Mysteries, equal law or equal lawlessness.

To the looters out there, shame on you. You are using controversy to promote your own ends in the name of Breonna and George. Now I can’t shop at the Walgreen’s down the street. YOU can’t either. Perhaps something you should think about when you take matters in your own hands.

 

Daddy played first

Mama played second

Needed a third baseman to join right in there

 

I remember when I was a ‘Lark

When I played good and things weren’t stark

That there’s a silver linin’ behind this plot

Just a Nutrament-chuggin’ teen

Tryin’ to grow strong with soy protein

Now I’m assemblin’ ragtag team at the weedy sandlot

 

Daddy played first

Mama played second

Needed a third baseman to join right in there

One of these days and it won’t be long

I’ll stick Dr. Pearl for all these wrongs

I’m gonna join that Mudlark team at The Throne

 

And the infield

Won’t be broken

By and by, Gil, by and by

Daddy played first

Mama played second

We got a third baseman

To join right in there

In the sky, Lord, in the sky

 

Hey, I have an idea. Let’s start our own team. Based on Ardis’ exploding eyeball, he seems to buy into the concept.

And why shouldn’t he? All you have to do is go to Milford Sporting Goods and order, say, 40 uniforms, 40 gloves (make sure some can fit those Valley Rejects that are left-handed) , 2 catcher’s mitts (in case Gil forgot to bring his and you need to loan one to your former teammates) , 15 bats at $100 a bat (I’m sure Valley Rejects have parents that can write a check and never miss it) , bag to PUT the bats in, 40 batting helmets, equipment bags, storage shed FOR the equipment bags (you just gonna leave them in The Mayor’s garage?) , 40 pairs of cleats and 40 pairs of non-steel cleats (in case some overly picky groundskeeper disallows steel cleats on his carpet) , 40 cups so that no Valley Reject loses his family jewels off of a Mudlark batter’s vicious line drive, and some mouth guards. Oh, that might be extra. You can always get those at Milford Apothecary since they are at a discount because they’re sold in bulk.

And then you got to find a field, A GOOD ONE, not those we used to play at that had 2 × 4’s with nails sticking out of them strewn all over the ground, get umpires lined up, get one of the Valley Rejects to hand them a pen to sign the contract, get a grounds crew to line the field, I’m sure Luhm will work cheap if he can slide it by the Teamsters Union.

The only thing left is the insurance. Surely one of the Valley Rejects has a dad who’s an agent. Or we can get Chet Ballard to work pro bono to make up for his horse’s ass performance many months ago.

Looks like we have all our ducks in a row. Piece of cake.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“The Bucket Gets Looted To Protest Coach Thorp Not Getting Read His Rights On DUI Charges!!!!!!!!!!!! Millions Expected In Damages, According To Insurance Claims Agent Chet Ballard!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Owner: They left the banana split mixer alone, thank God. Did you ever try to handle the Sunday evening crowd when they leave the church services?”

 

And that is either a sweet potato that’s been greased in Crisco growing out of The Mayor’s hand, straight from an Idaho tuber farm or he is giving the thumbs up to this precarious venture. Personally, I would get on with my life and learn from the injustice flung at him (speaking from experience) but if he’s going to be beating the bushes of Valley Second Hand Shoppe, he really needs to get BASEBALL players. I thought Ardis Carhee played basketball. Not that he can’t play baseball but let’s not throw assumptions around the hallway like table knives. Just because Dr. Pearl looks like Granny Clampett doesn’t mean she suffers from rotted-out teeth nor eats possum gizzards simmered in chicken broth. No jumping to conclusions that she eats her Wheaties and chitlins straight out of the cereal bowl with no spoon. Not that it would surprise me but let’s give it the old college try before answering in the affirmative.

 

Heard at The Bucket last week

“This Bucket Crab Gizzard and Jowl Bacon Plate could use a little more salt.”

 

If ya go recruitin’ round the fact’ry fer some guys ta be on yore fishin’ team after the Game Warden disqualified yore teammates at the Mudlark Lake Fishing Tournament Shoot-out cuz they used thar rod ‘n’ reel ta git more beer outta somebody’s cooler, ya might be a redneck.

 

Now I remember after the game

Gil would cuss us out by name

And you could hear all of bitchin’ for a country mile

Phoebe and Alexa have done gone on

Muench’s car is repo’d and pawned

But I’m getting together a new team by the break of dawn

 

Daddy played first

Mama played second

Needed a third baseman to jump right in there

 

One of these games and it won’t be long

We’ll lace our cleats and be 9-man strong

I’m gonna join the Rejects at Home Plate in the Skyyyyyyyy

 

And team unity

Won’t be broken

By and by, Gil, by and by

Daddy played first

Mama played second

We got a third baseman to join us there in the sky, Lord, in the sky

 

And this recruiting campaign is getting off to a roaring start. Some guy whose waistline indicates he has not missed lunch when the Valley Alternative cafeteria unlocks its doors and displaying the railroad spikes he hocked off the Milford & Oakwood rail and hammered in his hair and Mr. Ponytail (assume for argument’s sake it isn’t Mrs. Ponytail) . Now several players have played Major League Baseball and have worn long hair. Randy Johnson and Mitch “Wild Thing” Williams come to mind.

But why do I have a strong suspicion that The Mayor is simply grabbing at bodies at Valley Consignment just to pontificate to his ex-teammates that he can field a team. I remember a friend of mine who was a part of the Vietnam era who pointed out that if you could crawl, you were drafted. That about seems the case here. That’ll help when you slide into second where Mama is ready to apply the tag.

Really, Mayor, don’t just get guys on your team just because they have two arms, two legs, and sport a significant other between their legs. That’s not fair to amputees or bisexuals. I’d be put out if I was a quadriplegic and I was not recruited to play catcher. Whoops, I’m sorry, Railroad Iron Head already has that position. Anybody who eats Twinkies for appetizers ought to be able to block the plate, no question.

And as long as you’re talking to Ginger Baker in P2, would you tell him that Jack Bruce called again? Says that Clapton wants to do a remake on “White Room”.

 

Ooooooooookkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn to the rescue once again to bring sanity to insanity. Take ‘er away, Gene.

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought The Mayor was recruiting her to ____________________.”

 

Is that inside the lampshade or is the lampshade turned inside out to get rid of all the lint?

Well, we have more on our plate than lampshades that prove that corresponding sides of the inverted lampshades in the den are congruent. The Mayor is talking smack and the only thing missing from this Public Service Announcement/”Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” background music is the expected poster that’ll get nailed on every utility pole in Milford

 

This Saturday at the Milford Gardens

The Mayor of Second Chances

vs

Tom “The Gil-Slayer” Muench

Mudlark Cage Match

w/Texas Tornado Rules

One fall, no time limit, no DQ

Loser leaves Milford High School

7:30PM Bell Time

Tickets available at all Milford Apothecary outlets and Ticketmaster locations

Don’t miss it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

The Mayor might not need Railroad Iron Head for a tag partner even though the latter has a Dusty Rhoads “The American Dream” beer gut and might prove useful in the “Iowa Death Match” next month. We’ll see what happens.

 

And what in the name of railroad irons is that thing in that bunch of Chiquita bananas that Chris designates as his right hand? I ruled out abacus because I assume he has a calculator on the coffee table upon which lies the M.C. Escher lamp. It’s too small to be that mechanism that makes all those farm animal noises when you pull the string and I’m confident that if Chris is up to the challenge vis-a-vis The Mayor’s trash talk, that he is too old to be listening to “The cow goes MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”. It COULD be some kind of CD player albeit I really can’t imagine “Rewind” being across the panel and at a slight acute angle with “Pause”. Folks, I think we have a dead ringer for Pantheon of Mysterious Objects. Wait, it’s part of the Close ‘n’ Play apparatus he bought at Milford Toys ‘R’ Us. I’m not giving up on this one.

 

“And we’ll be back with the starting line-ups between the Milford Mudlarks and the Valley Alternative Recyclables after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG Radio, a division of Learfield Sports.”

 

“Golly, gee, that ought to be an exciting game between my boys and those troublemakers in “Ernest Goes to Camp”, I mean, Valley Alternative. That’s about the only good news around here.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp and when Milford Beverage Warehouse got looted because some cowards thought that the judge laid the hammer on yours truly with 100 hours of community service after being convicted of failing the sobriety test, it really turned my stomach. Raking the leaves at the Milford Elementary School front lawn isn’t such a stiff sentence. Shoot, I have plenty of fishing nets in my garage to get all the dead bugs out of Milford Public Swimming Pool before they dump a gallon of chlorine an hour before they open. The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary. And The Warehouse has been forced to close their doors because some morons didn’t register to vote.

But if you think The Warehouse is going to take their boarded-up doors and like it, guess again. They will re-open on July 1st with some door-busters and I don’t mean the ones that are against the law. How about some Heineken? Shoot, I’d go to jail for this deal, $14.49 in the 12oz. 12-Pack but I ain’t going to leave another party with Evan Williams Bourbon on my breath and risk getting pulled over again from that speed trap in the Milford Lounge parking lot.  You’ll just have to take my word for it.

And how about some Maker’s Mark Whiskey? By some miracle, that and the Oreos didn’t get damaged. The Warehouse wants to express their praises to God with an eye-opening $22.99 in the 750ml bottle. And if they run out of Oreos, if the Chips Ahoy! isn’t too badly damaged, I can always dip that in my whiskey glass.

And if you buy a 30-Pack of Busch Light at the ridiculous $19.99, The Warehouse will give you a voucher for a discount at Renewal by Andersen to replace your broken window. I don’t know why morons would loot a guy’s living room and raid the Popular Mechanics magazine rack but buy the booze first and ask questions later. Isn’t it nice that you can once again look out your window and sip The Good Life all in the same day. Watching the birdies in the birdbath in our backyard with a Busch just brings a tear a tear to my eye.

Get your affairs in order and prepare for the Grand Reopening of Milford Beverage Warehouse. And the 1st 50 people waiting in line will get a free canister of Pringle’s Regular or Sour Cream. The thugs didn’t touch those either although they had a Hell of a time ransacking the Milford Vending Soft Pretzels bags. The Warehouse will take a loss selling the rest.

Come in and get a new lease on life and a new window and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

 

Gang, you’re still the one. I don’t have to recruit you to make a successful blog. You make it successful all by yourself. God bless you.

 

At the Milford Outdoor Amphitheater Free Summer Concert Series shindig one breezy night

“…Gil sang bass

Mimi sang tenor

Keri and Jaime would join right in there…”

 

At a scrimmage at Milford Sports Complex

“So they’ll let me keep my seeing-eye dog as long as he’s in the dugout?”

“I still need to talk to the crew chief but I don’t think the umpires will say anything.”

 

 

 

June 3, 2020

It Helps If You Chant “MEAN MACHINE” While You Read This

gt06032020

Once again Neal Rubin has driven the Milford High Activity Bus off the road and into the ditch. What was being set up as some kind of indictment of school zero-tolerance policies has morphed into some weird-ass pickup game challenge that’s equal parts The Sandlot and The Longest Yard. As farfetched as it is I have a hunch it will come to pass, since Gil’s Mudlarks will probably miss the playdowns as per usual.

This comes off as more ego gratification for the walking ego that is Mike Knappe, but I’m picking up broad hints that there’s a bigger message being sent here: don’t fight the system, accept the hand you’re dealt, and when life gives you lemons, suck on them. Not the best of timing there.

I’m sure Rubin’s got his reasons for going down this path but unlike the Caretaker, I ain’t got eight years to hear them.

June 2, 2020

“We’ll Meet You This Friday, 7:30PM, Here At Howard Johnson’s Inn.”

060420

Instead of tying loose ends, which is what Thorpiverse SHOULD be doing, we’re extracting a couple more storylines out of the grab bag, at the expense of some plots or mimi-plots that never really flew out of Milford Regional Airport. What are we going to talk about, what activities could we be humanly engaging in, now that summer is here?

The love story that never was and will likely stay that way between Phoebe and The Mayor was NOT because he drank too much Nutrament Vanilla Shakes at the tavern; nope, Thorpiverse sent Miss Grundy to rummage through his gym bag after Mr. Grundy cried foul and a kitchen utensil you use to spread Skippy on Roman Meal killed “A Little Romance.” We’ll never see him and Phoebe kiss under the Milford Canal Bridge just as the 3rd shift whistle goes off at Milford Foundry. Way to be a wet blanket, Mr. Grundy.

And what happened to Gonzo? Heck, that would have made a great Jets vs. Sharks confrontation. Us Hispanics always have to bail you out in the ninth when your pitcher gets a rubber arm. Oh, yeah? Well, if you’d quit batting with a Swiffer Mop when you’re swinging for the fences, you might up your average. Then there’s the song, sung by The Mayor naturally

Mimi

I just met a girl named Mimi

And now I know that name

Will never be the same

Again

 

And The Mayor could get whacked by the Sharks with a Hillerich & Bradsby Special and Mimi threaten both the Jets AND the Sharks after The Mayor loses his mind and the team goes on to win the Playdowns in remembrance of The Mayor who gave his Ultra Slim Fast for the team. Of course, he already DID lose his mind after slurping Ultra Slim Fast at his Communion, but we can sort it out while Gil’s at the links. Just alternate between the Mudlarks singing “We’re Gonna Get ’em Tonight” and Gil saving par. Just about wraps up the summer, doncha think?

But nooooooooo, we gotta endure a couple of wayward ideas that will probably REMAIN wayward. So as long as we’re going to drag athletes into this, I might as well throw in a couple of my own.

Richard Pryor had a hilarious take on Jim Brown, the standout running back for the Cleveland Browns in the ’60’s and respectable actor after his playing days were over. Pryor would say that Brown could be mean as snakes, which was understandable, given Brown’s competitiveness and focus. His statistics backed him up.

And Pryor continued “Man, it used to be a death wish. There ain’t no building around here in Milford to jump off of. and Gil went golfing. Let’s go over to Jim Brown’s house and fuck with him a while.”

So if Valley Alternative, as long as we’re recruiting, ever fields a football team, they can go over to Jim Brown’s house and ask politely. I’m sure he’ll oblige if they say “Please”.

Gil rings Jim Brown’s doorbell one day

Jim Brown opens the door

“Yeah, Jimmie, Big Man, hey, I don’t mean to intrude, I’m sure you’re studying game film in the den (get a hold of yourself, Thorp) , well, what I mean to say is, ol’ Buddy, ol’ Pal, you see, Dr. Pearl got caught behind on her District Board State Income Tax W-2 Report-1978 and can’t make it to the Midnight Bowling League Match tonight and seeing, well, you have such strong hands and hate to roll gutter balls as if you were getting stuffed on the 1-yard line, and we know you like the ball a lot, so we wanted to know if you’d be interested in filling out our 4-member team. We call ourselves Thorp’s Troops. Catchy, isn’t it? Whattya say?” as Gil braces for the worst.

“Sure. What time do you need me there?”

“11:35PM. We need to get the roster turned in and ready to go before First Roll at 12:01AM”

“I’ll be there.”

Gil breathes a sigh of relief

“Thanks, Jimmie. I always thought you were a terror when you were with the Steelers.”

 

 

I was intrigued when I saw on a documentary on Abraham Lincoln and the fact that he and Mary Todd Lincoln slept in separate beds. How’d they get Robert Todd, Edward, Willie, or Tad? Oh well

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. And Alexa Caught In Serious Dispute Over Future Wedding Plans!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“There ain’t no way I’m taking a double room, I don’t care how much of a discount I get at Milford Motel 6.”

 

And as long as we’re going to endow Valley Alternative with a smorgasbord, shoot, I have a whole list of athletes that would fit right in to the school.

How about Dennis Rodman? He got shipped to VA (not the Milford VA Hospital, bear in mind) because he wore his purple (orange/green/magenta////…) hair one too many times in Andy Rooney’s class. Rooney and Dr. Paper Pusher found Krylon in his desk and considered it a weapon. You could take somebody’s eye out with that thing if you’re not pointing the spray tip towards the wall or your hair.

Then there’s Magic Johnson. He wound up with his indiscriminate sex life catching up with him (Arther Ashe, BTW, chided Johnson because he felt that Johnson gave blacks a bad name because Johnson didn’t keep it in his pocket) . Perfect candidate for VA. Yeah, those adventures with Mimi while Gil was out of town non-coaching his team in a Holiday Tournament landed him right in Dr. Paper Pusher’s dog house and it was all over but the paperwork. Starting point guard for VA this coming winter, fer sure.

And the following scene, courtesy of Mr. Pryor

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!

“Oakwood, that’s going to cost you 10 yards cuz I already lost one eye and I ain’t playin’.”

In the Valley Alternaive huddle

“Roh, give me the ball.”

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Next time, I’ll be rippin’ out the other cheek from your butt.”

In the Valley Huddle on 1st and goal

“Roh, give me the ball.”

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!! SQUEEEGIIIEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

“I ripped Gil’s hair out that time, Oakwood, I don’t care how much VO5 he put on it. I’ll eat my own if I have to.”

In the huddle for the PAT

“Roh, give me the ball.”

But that’s football and we’ll let Nasty Brown and Charlie Roh work out their differences on running back duties, not to mention let you fill in the blank on the final score. Good thing Chet Ballard didn’t fuck with Jim Brown and check his background. That WOULD be like jumping off the Milford School Corporation Annex building.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Marty Moon To Appear In Milford Small Claims Court Over Dispute With Mudlark Lakes Resort!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“If I’d known that waiving the fee meant that Peaches and I had to sleep in separate bunks, I would have packed my chastity belt in my suitcase.”

 

And we can’t leave this puzzle wrapped in an enigma at The Bucket and just relive old times and wish no hard feelings and get the Hell on to Gil’s golf game, already in progress. Nope, we gotta drag this plot that won’t die into another plot that just started and won’t die but might take until the end of July for it not to die. We have to line up the court time so that it doesn’t conflict with Milford Flea Market Open Market held every 3rd Saturday in the month after the 2nd Tuesday, make sure Luhm waxed and buffered the damn court before the Clash of the Titans with the ex-Titans, sign the contracts with the officials and, by God, they better honor their contract. Games with haves and have-nots still count in the record book. I tell you one thing, Gil would make the zebras live up to their end of the bargain if he weren’t trying to dig one out of the sand trap.

“YEAH!!!!!!!!!! We got Havlicek on our side. And Henry “Hank” Finkel in the middle!!!!!!!!!! He had Carhee running wind sprints in practice at the pace of a cheetah, he was so intimidated.

If ya kiss and make up and exchange deer tags and still bet ya can drink more Stroh’s at the Milford Stop ‘n’ Sludge Bar in a friendly competition and the winner gets a free hose job in his abdomen, courtesy Milford General, ya might be a redneck.

“…and that’s the 10th batter plunked by the New Thayer pitching staff. I’ve seen Coach Thorp do a lot of non-coaching but this is ridiculous. Won’t anybody take charge????”

A few minutes later on the mound with New Thayer at bat

“Gonzo, give me the ball.”

Oops, sorry, I forgot Jim Brown is with Valley Alternative. Oh well, just pretend. Who’s gonna notice? Certainly not Gil.

And we’re rounding out the lineup in P3. Bill Laimbeer has been sent to the school because of his bad boy image and should be cleared for the starting lineup this Friday. Hank Finkel was sent to VA for being the 12th man on his high school reserve team and still making an NBA roster. Should be cleared to sit on the bench this Friday. He and Gil have a lot in common. Well, Gil doesn’t have a mustache and isn’t 7 feet tall. Finally, Johnny “Red” Kerr was sent to the school because he wore the nastiest looking gym shorts at an NBA Old-Timers All-Star Game and had the nerve to have a broadcasting career for the Bulls (gotcha, again, Robmize!!!!! Hey, it wasn’t the Cubs this time (ha ha)) . The game should go without a hitch.

 

At Milford High School Gym one Saturday morning

“Give me the ball.”

“This is a wrestling invitational, Mr. Brown.”

“Sorry. My bad.”

 

“And we’ll be back to see if Red Kerr is able to play after his jock strap came up missing and he’s forced to rummage through the lost and found hamper in the locker for a spare after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

At the Thorp household one evening

“Mommy, why is Daddy shaking the bed in the billiard room?”

“What????? How long has this been happening?”

“We were watching Archie TV Funnies when we thought it was an earthquake. Me and Jaime covered our heads like you always told us. When the sky wasn’t falling, we didn’t know what to do.”

Mimi walks toward billiard room where Gil is playing “Vehicle” by the Ides of March and using the spare mattress on the springs to pretend to have the time of his life.

“Mommy, is Daddy dirty dancing?”

“No, dear, don’t be silly. Gil, what are you doing?”

“Oh, hey, now I know what Honest Abe went through when he slept in separate beds. It must have been too much for The Railsplitter to deny what a man’s got to do to Mary Todd. He couldn’t count sheep or think about how he would do when he ran against Stephen Douglas. He had to jumo on the other bed and go to town. I heard the whole town of Springfield used to hear Mary Todd’s screams of ecstasy.  I understand that’s how he got Tad and Willie. I’m just recreating the event.”

“Mommy, did Abe Lincoln really get Tad from humping a feather bed?”

“No, Honey, of course not. Your daddy needs to learn that he doesn’t need to read history books to have some fun.”

“And Mimi, there was the time that he went to bed with that hooker. It was in the SAME BED!!!!!!!!! Some historians say it was a myth but so was George Washington chopping down the cherry tree. But George didn’t get any kids from not telling a lie. At least Lincoln had a head start with a myth when he married Mary Todd.”

“Gil, YOU can get a head start and you don’t have to go to Johnny Appleseed for this kind of stimulation. I have FedExed several cases of EREC-3500 laxatives so you can get movement in both directions. You can make your own history and we can sleep in the same bed.”

“I won’t have to use a Pinkerton to guard the house while I’m pretending to have fun with Mary Todd?”

“Mommy, do Pinkertons get erect too?”

“When my children were slightly confused about the birds and the bees, it was time to face my problem straight in the eye. With treatment programs that work, the Milford Men’s Clinic promises you will share the same bed at the Milford Marriott or they will cheerfully refund your money. And you can keep David Herbert Donald’s book on the dresser while you’re goin’ to town. Sounds like Era of Good Feeling to me. Come get down, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.

 

Thank you for your support, Gang. Still think they ought to start Red Kerr. He can’t help it if all jock straps smell like halitosis and VO5. Anyway, God bless you, Gang.

 

“Give me the ball, Coach.”

“Still gotta get it out of the water. Kaz, hand me my 9-iron.”

 

Recreating Richard Pryor, one night at Milford Lounge

“Gentlemen, I believe the coach can better express himself if you let him go.”

Gil being restrained by 12 men

“Any of you buttholes release me and I’ll cream yo’ ass later. Now just ease my ass out the door and leave Mr. Brown in peace. We might need him for the football plot.”

June 1, 2020

Strange Counting

Filed under: The Bucket — nedryerson @ 5:33 am

Let’s watch as Mike Knappe fills in his former team mates on the goings on at Valley Modified. We heard about the daycare last week, but did we know that the kids in daycare have trouble with the curve? Now we do. Oh Mayor, you crack us up!

Mike’s new friend, Ardis Carhee, is an athlete. Mike knows that Hiawatha and Chris (some Chris, who is maybe the other guy at the table) played hoops against.

Hiawatha lets Mike know that he should include himself, so that makes two athletes at Valley Modified. His counting on his fingers method is confusing though.

Have I ever said I was officially bored by a Gil Thorp plot? I don’t know. Maybe I did. But now I am officially, on record, bored. The small screws or rivets that hold together that Bucket window support beam are more interesting to me that theses kids and what they are doing.

Here’s a song to entertain you that was inspired by this. Some consider this Who album a slight effort. I’m pretty fond of it myself.

May 30, 2020

Is That All There Is?

Filed under: freak hands, Gil Thorp — teenchy @ 8:09 pm

gt05302020

Is Valley Modified the same as “the alternative school”? If so, why didn’t it have day care when Darby Kiser was going there? Could be that Jaxon’s reign of terror behind the Milford bench led to the intro of on-campus day care. But let’s back that up a piece: Darby went to “the alternative school” yet somehow was allowed to play for Milford. Why, then, can’t Mike? Oh, yeah, Darby wasn’t expelled from Milford, though she endured plenty of taunts from opposing teams once she decided to play there. We couldn’t have stands full of kids brandishing butter knives now, could we?

The Mayor’s return to The Bucket is “triumphant” only in the sense that it can be pooped on. Why the need to bring up “athletes” at Valley Mod? Could be self-referential, so that he feels like he still has an identity. Then again, he could be referring to his classmates who ran the high hurdles after they knocked over the Swifti Mart out on the bypass.  Seriously, this doesn’t feel like an end-of-arc strip but more like a setup for Mike to resume playing baseball somewhere. If it is an end-of-arc strip, it’s one of the most anticlimactic we’ve seen in a while (and possibly worthy of a metapost later).

May 29, 2020

Small sample size

Filed under: baseball, freak hands, The Bucket — robmize2013 @ 8:46 pm

Great to see old friends getting together– I was with 11 adults 2 kids and a dog last weekend at Shawnee National Forest. We had 3 campsites and 2 hotel rooms. They didnt allow tent camping so the 3 of us who didnt own campers stayed at the hotel. We hiked 4 different trails, kayaked the Herron River for 2 hours, and saw some cottonmouth snakes. Weather was perfect. One guy even paddled to Kentucky.  Thanks again to teenchy for filling in.

And these old friends are happy to see each other too- .. even though I wouldnt miss the Mayor smelling up my car with bad food 4 days a week. And Alfano hitting .300 over what? 2 games? 4 games? When were these games played? All we’ve seen is the girls one game the Mayor photobombed.

Wonder if the Mayor will get re-instated after the school year-baseball season is over; methinks he gets another shot in summer ball. There’s a good storyline for the summer.

Next order of business is the Mayors friendship with Phoebe– lets see how its developed; or messed up, or most likely– forgotton.

 

May 28, 2020

Settin’ This Plot On Fire

Filed under: hands in the air, Pointy Fingers, The Bucket — tdrewhardin @ 3:58 am

052820

Dump your cleats and uniform

We’ll talk and hug where the Coke is warm

Lack of progress is the norm

Tonight we’re settin’ this plot on fire

 

You’re my gal and I’m your feller

Clean up so that you’ll look sweller

Gil’s a coward who turned yellar

Settin’ this plot on fire

 

We’re takin’ all the corner booths

We’re hoggin’ all the fun

We’ll show the kids that we don’t care

And gittin’ nuthin’ done

 

You be daffy and I’ll be dilly

This plot’s so goofy and plain damn silly

It’s worse than The Bucket Bowl of Chili

Settin’ this plot on fire

 

And what can I say? Phoebe returns as if we might squeeze in a love story or a couple more softball games before reality hits and we realize that golf is right around the corner. No, Phoebe, I wouldn’t be switching gears and be The Mayor’s object of affection while pulling a Kirk Gibson on us in the same week. Too much juggling before Gil hits the links. It’s a great idea, Bill Mazeroski circling the bases to beat the Yankees in 1960 with that improbable home run only to greet his wife at home plate. Hold the roast, honey, until the home plate umpire makes my home run official. You’d be surpised how many marriages were created by attending The Mayor’s graduation at Boys Town after Phoebe parked one in the concession stand behind left field to win the Valley Conference Regular Season Title.

But the timing’s horrible. You’d better park one before you can say “Gil still has time to qualify for The Masters and just needs some more practice with his getting on the green to shore up his game”.

And where’s Gonzalo Aceves? Is “Don’t call me ‘Gonzo’ or I’ll dump Bucket Chili on your head” going to be part of the festivities tonight or did he go back to the suitcase for the ventriloquist to pull up later during football? He couldn’t catch anybody’s attention during baseball season even if he slammed the door and saved a couple of games when the baseball plot finally turned in its physical. Maybe he’ll have better luck with Charlie Roh in the backfield. They can both share running back duties without Rudderless Rooney showing up at halftime and sentencing them to reform school because they didn’t turn in their essay on “Animal Farm”. Or maybe we can throw in Aceves and Alexa getting engaged after Milford trounces Oakwood, 73-0. Oops, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s worry about cramming details and characters for football until Fall. We have enough loose ends and expendable characters to cram into Spring without trying to fit Charlie Roh in the scheme of things. Oh, I got it, he can be Gil’s caddy. Gil has enough on his mind trying to beat Tiger for the final spot at Augusta without some clown not having Gil’s putter ready. Strike while the iron is hot.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“WDIG To Cancel Hank Williams 4-Hour Special This Sunday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Spokesperson says that Louisiana Hayride performance, the penultimate show before ending tour at Milford High School Gym, got erased by sound engineer. WDIG Station Manager issues public apology.”

 

And what better to continue this Plot-for-the-Day than to embrace a Spicoli Moment on Fast Times at Milford High? We’ve already seen Charlie Roh blindside his step-dad because he did the equivalent of smashing Charlie’s Trans Am into the Milford Water Tower but continuing from yesterday, Spicoli and The Mayor ordered several pizzas from Milford Pizza Parlor and distributed them among the Softball Mudlarks. Hey, Mr. Hand isn’t around and there’s no hard feelings even though I had to go to Shawshank and Spicoli didn’t. Rooney didn’t smell the reefer in his shorts? It may not be a butter knife or a weapon but it’s still illegal. On school grounds, both are grounds for due processing. Don’t walk into Gil’s office with a doobie and test the theory unless you are Spicoli. He may share reliever duties with Gonzo the Z.

Anyway, pizza is a perfect good-will gesture, as well as hugging the life out of the one person who was less than enthusiastic when The Mayor sprinkled Chem-Lawn on his pepperoni. And pizza is a good way to bribe Mimi for more PT. If she didn’t run off The Mayor because, as the readership pointed out, he could be technically illegal because  his expulsion in all likelihood extended to Mudlark school activities, then she can likely be bought. Here, Coach, want a slice? We know you like Canadian bacon. You’re pencilled in the starting lineup fer sure.

 

 

“Dammit, Muench, if you’re going to violate team rules, would you please make sure the 3-meat special has no anchovies? That stuff makes me fart in the middle of the night!!!!! Mimi has to sleep on the sofa in our living room. And next time YOU tip the Domino’s driver.”

“Sorry, Coach.”

 

 

Hugging her like he would his mother

Up one storyline and down the other

This is too confused, oh brother

Tonight we’re settin’ this plot on fire

 

Ordering a stale cheeseburger

Gulping those French fries can be murder

Slurping shakes that taste like Gerber

We’re settin’ our butts on fire

 

We’ll put aside a little time

Softball’s almost through

Baseball team was playin’ fine

But the gaps were showin’ through

 

Just sit on the bleachers and I’ll start howlin’

How Andy did all the law’s allowin’

Tomorrow I’m at Valley in my books a-plowin’

Settin’ this plot on fire

 

Wondering what a Circle K locator is and assuming you consult the matter on a computer to find out online

 

“Dr. Pearl, why are you under your desk? The students can see your slip.”

“I’m looking for my GAF Viewmaster. I dropped it when my elbow hit it when I was writing my District Board End Of Year Party Concession Purchases Report-2013. I need it to locate that new Milford 7-11 they built by Milford Federal.”

 

And it most definitely looks like we’re picking up where we left off in P2 when Alexa was in the hallway with Phoebe and suggested that he was in love with The Mayor. The ensuing  playful tap that was administered didn’t reach proportions of Mimi swatting Alexa’s ass with Mimi’s spare catcher’s mitt but it delivered the message. We could have a love story and One Shining Moment. Sharing a bicarbonate protein-enriched egg-induced chocalate drink out of The Mayor’s Thermos after some vigorous kissing and petting after Phoebe speared one to end the game, boy, you knew you were alive. I can hear the song now out of the Muzak system when I take the elevator at Milford Medical Arts Facility.

It’s a pity that all these Shining Moments got interrupted by Instagram photos of Dr. Pearl and Gil and Andy trivializing sports and rendering them useless by their inexplicable actions. Get your ass to The Bucket tonight and let’s set the record straight. If Andy Rooney shuns the truth, he can have my stale cheeseburger. Both got thrown out eventually. You can’t add pickles to the truth, however. My story and I’m stickin’ to it. BTW, doesn’t Andy look sexy in that one Instagram offering? The way he moves his beard munching on Bucket Buffalo Fries while due processing The Mayor, we might have to stave off Mimi when her hot flashes flare up.

 

I’ll gas up my hot rod stoker

Sticking you like a fire poker

You’ll be broke but I’ll be broker

Tonight we’re settin’ the woods on fire…

 

Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club emcee steps to the mike

“How many want an encore for Coach Shaw!!!!!!!!! Don’t he play a mean jazz guitar!!!!!!!!!”

 

As The Mayor approaches the Boulevard of Broken Dreams side of The Bucket, he has 2 questions

1) Is it really worth going in to engineer a comeback that might prove futile? Sisyphus pushed rocks up and down the heights of Milford forever attempting to fight an unfair-but-seemingly-uncontestable situation. At least Sisyphus could rest in the summer by the time Gil teed off.

2) Is that Humphrey Bogart in there flirting with Alexa? I thought O.J. had the inside track.

 

And then it’s hard not to notice that The Mayor has borrowed a few light bulbs as a tail for his own thought balloon. I believe Funky Winkerbean and Buzz Sawyer employed this technique. Just leave some light while you’re trying to think through and solve the latest crime, Buzz.

And you old-timers will remember, speaking of Funky, when that classroom chair in a random classroom would execute its own though balloons, bitching from about how students misused them by leaning back in them too far  to carving initials about students’ latest heartthrobs. Those chairs had to utilize the whole Bucket marquee.

 

“Damn!!!!! Doesn’t that woman ever go home? She’s been sitting on me and filling out that report for 15 straight hours without a lunch.”

 

If yore girlfriend with the one molar in her mouth and breasts ya could go bowling down at Milford Lanes with wins the skeet compe-tish-shun at the Milford Con-sur-vay-shun Club All-Comers Tournament and ya celebrate at the Milford Pool Hall by gittin’ loud ‘n’ rowdy and drunker ‘n’ Foster Brooks, ya might be a redneck.

 

“And we’ll be back to see if Archie goes into Pop’s Choklit Shoppe and gets readmitted to Riverdale High School and is forgiven for smashing his jalopy into Mr. Weatherbee’s garage after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

“Folks, I wouldn’t know what to do if I was standing outside Milford Lounge and invited to Clams and Coors Happy Hour after I’d been blackballed by Milford Country Club for brandishing a 9-iron at #10 dog-leg left as a weapon. I’m grateful I can look in the Milford Directory under ‘Lawyers’. Thankfully, there’s another impossible situation that has been worked out and if you have cash or credit, you’re in luck.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse. Boy, have I got some great news for you. Even if Hadley V. is out of town, you can stop worrying about getting cussed out by the Magistrate in the Milford Superior Court system every time you don’t have an answer when you couldn’t walk a straight line after being pulled over. Sometimes you can’t help it if the beer was free.

Milford Beverage Warehouse is now selling Impossible Booze. That’s right, Otis the Drunk will no longer have to spend a night in the Mayberry Jail because he can get drunk off of Bud Impossible Light. The engineers at Milford Chemical have partnered with several alcohol distributors in a unique consortium. They have managed to harness one of the abundant elements in nature, nitrogen, and combine them with barley and malt. Skipping the fermentation process couldn’t be easier and Otis the Drunk can live up to his reputation and still be sober. Amazing how potent nitrogen can be when creating non-alcoholic products. And for $14.99 a case, I’ll get non-drunk all I want with Otis the Clean down at some park bench on the grounds of Milford Sand Volleyball Plaza.

These same scientists were able to extract certain proteins from Colorado snake root and the amino acids from lab mice to create Crown Royal Impossible Canadian Whisky. That’s right, if you have to take a breath-a-lyzer test, isn’t it nice to know you’re covered? You could be 3 times over the legal limit but if you got enough air in your lungs to blow up a zeppelin, you can enjoy The Good Life and still drive legally. The officer will have to hand you back your registration. For $24.99 a bottle, he can stick the damn thing in my glove compartment himself.

The wine and cheese crowd have jumped in on the act. They have mixed grapes stomped on by Texas longhorns and DNA molecules from animal fats to create Impossible Wine. The bums at Milford Skid Row will have a field day. They can down the chicken salad sandwiches they eat every Friday at the Milford Soup Kitchen with a bottle of Impossible Nirvana. And the volunteers at the Kitchen can’t call him a wino. And you can obtain non-wino status too for $13.99 a bottle. If you lose your job and have to resort to the Wednesday All-You-Can-Eat-Ravioli Smorgasbord at the Soup Kitchen, your credit card and an empty stomach is all you’ll need at The Warehouse. Ain’t it nice when you have packaged  Impossible Liquor and the Kitchen still has to fill your plate with unlimited Chef Boy-ar-Dee????? Just hope it ain’t Impossible Ravioli.

Come on down and see how possible the impossible can be. The Milford Beverage Warehouse made it possible by always taking care of its customers, impossible or otherwise. The Warehouse always has security if they get too impossible. Check out the impossiblities and get your slice of the pie in the bargain and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Gang, you mean so much to me. My humor is nothing without you. God has truly blessed me with a faithful readership. God bless you all.

 

“Honeyyyyyyy, I’m hornyyyyyyyyyy. It’s time for you to fire poke meeeeeeeeee.”

“Blubba, blubba, I still gotta practice this song. I want to get every note perfect on ‘The Bucket’s Got a Hole In It’ and make ol’ Hank and the rest of Arkansas proud.”

“Darling, isn’t he from Alabama? And Johnny Cash is from Arkansas. And I believe it’s ‘My Bucket’s Got a Hole In It’.”

“Blubba, blubba, well, you see I gotta work on that and ‘Rose Garden’. The Go Go Club expects no less than a Sinatra performance.”

“Except Lynn Anderson sang ‘Rose Garden’.”

“I beg your pardon, I never promised Gil a rose garden, I’ll be ready after I perfect the last few chords of ‘Your Cheatin’ Heart’.”

“Your Significant Other will tell on you if you don’t take these EREC-3500 pills and a glass of water. Now dwinkkeeeeee uuuppppppp.”

Later that night Coach Shaw melted his Cold Cold Heart

 

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Thought Dead In The Back Seat Of A Cadillac!!!!!!!!!!! Reportedly Okay And Cleared By Officials At Milford Minor Emergency Clinic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I was taking a nap and suddenly I was surrounded by the police. They thought I OD’d on Smirnoff’s Impossible Vodka.”

 

 

 

 

 

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