This Week in Milford

January 14, 2021

That’s Our Story And We’re Sticking To It If Only We Had A Story To Stick To.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 2:02 pm

WHAT is the Mudlark shooter aiming at in P1????Okay, I’m going to assume the other shooter is not shooting at a barrel that’s burning trash. No eyeing the prairie-style windows to hone his free throw shooting skills. I know you have to be ready to shoot ’em should the other team foul in the late stages of the game, but using the electronic scoreboard for target practice is a bit irregular. At least make sure it’s turned off.

So if the one shooter is indeed shooting towards a basketball goal certified in actual existence by the State High School Athletic Association, WHAT IS THE OTHER MUDLARK SHOOTING AT?????? Shouldn’t he be aiming in the general direction of the other shooter? Is there a peach basket Naismith forgot to dismantle? Man, the ball retriever better have a stepladder handy. I’ve heard of Around The World but that was a basketball game like H-O-R-S-E, not an unwitting shoting drill as in P1. I guess Coach Thorp has a reason behind every lesson in life. If you take aim at the burning barrel, as long as you clean up the trash, you can walk away with the trophy snelling clean even if you got your fingers singed. Thanks, Coach, I’ll remember that next time I go to French Lick and play H-O-R-S-E with Larry Bird aiming at the town crematory.

And lookee, lookee, DOUG WITH A BASKETBALL. No open-end crescent wrench. No Philips screwdriver. No tire jack. We’re making progress. We might, if we’re lucky, actually see him dribble. Sometimes we have to be careful rushing things. It’s still January. I’ll give until Valentines Day to see if he’s going to shoot the ball or does he just put on the uniform every time the camera is rolling. I hate shallow people. Yeah, they’ll dunk it when ESPN is in the building but when no one’s looking, he’s back to changing Darrell Waltrip’s tire. You can’t fool us Richard Petty disguised as Dominique Wilkins. The NASCAR cap is blowing your cover.

Just hang onto that beach ball if you want to continue to give us hope.

I saw a company the other day that was named Quality Screw, Inc. Now I’m confident this is NOT a whorehouse in an industrial district, so I’m breathing easier, even as I text

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Tire & Wheel Ordered By Judge To Modify Its Latest Billboard Ad!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“‘We jack off your tire and the price all in one great job’ was deemed inappropriate, especially for the younger viewers.”

And WHO is that beside Shoehorn Vic? I think the mystery of Bigfoot is solved. He was found lacing up for tonight’s game against Perrysburg. Stay focused, Bigfoot. You play the way you roam the woods and scare the shit out of people. He won’t be hard to miss in the game intro’s. Is he going to boogie during “Let’s Get Ready To Rumble”?

Elvis hasn’t left the building although it’s hard to tell, the black marker smudge marks are obfuscating his image. I know his fried bologna sandwiches were causing weight problems but, Thorpiverse, don’t compound the problem by going wild with a Paper-Mate pen. I’d hate to see what Colonel Tom Parker looks like. Old chewing gum slopped on a pencil-drawn sketch? Just sayin’.

And I stand by what I say. Today backs me up. How much basketball action did you see today? I’m waiting. Time’s up, we have a conversation between a basketball player and a fledgling announcer barely getting his feet on the job in two panels and the players heading back to the bus after the game in the third panel. We have to trust T-verse that there was a basketball game between Doug with his basketball stuck up his butt conversing and offering to call the Uber driver to take Vic to the game next time and the Greyhound bus waiting at the station to take them back home. Gil left after the final buzzer because he had to get the car back to Milford Car Rental Agency before midnight or he was going to get hit with late charges.

We have jumped from Tessi and her poring over her points and Corina able to say “There’s no ‘I’ n the word ‘Team'” without black marks smeared all over and showing what Grizzly Adams looks like in a Lady Mudlark uniform to today where more lack of development is in the offing as Doug has taken a break from flipping off Gil and headin’ to the Milford Drag Race qualifying heats and attempting to display a tender side to our less fortunate, with an oversized Nerfball to drive home the issue.

I have read the Chronicles of Narnia and the lion never flipped off Gil to go rescue children or flipped off the children to go rescue Gil. The story stated true to form. No lectures by Corina that the lion’s mane has tics in it.

“Dr. Pearl, we need another grid of lights on the football field. One of the grounds crew ran into the pole and knocked it over.”

“That’s fine, Gil. I’ll call Milford Erection Incorporated and get an estimate. I’ll let you know something by the end of the week.”

“Okee-dokee.”

I would like to put in a plug for Mopped Up Thorp. I think the man is funny and I get beaucoup ideas from the site. If you have the time, check him out. Anything to slay The Gil gets my vote. We’re all in this together.

And the conversation continues in P2 although I really never saw a player before the game stagnating with the basketball and talking about whether Vic is going to hitchhike his way back to the school. If Vic is lucky, he can catch a ride with Gil at halftime. The team is on autopilot anyway. Riding in the trunk beats thumbing for a lift out in this cold anyday. Gil has a heart, you know, even if he’s a lousy coach, an absentee lousy coach at that.

And resuming my thoughts on Doug, Big Guy, this is the time to get ready for the game, not worry about if Doug practically rode on the back bumper of the team bus. It’s called Warm-Ups, Doug. We know that you have been too busy down in Talladega to absorb the concept but pre-game shootarounds and stretching exercises are meant to get you ready for the game. Standing there in front of the Stairway to Heaven expressing your bleeding heart to a guy who was Che Guevara before he got back on the reincarnation wheel really doesn’t help your focus. What are you going to do, call Milford Towing if his vehicle breaks down while you’re at the free throw line? It’s what you do between the lines, Doug. No need to call AAA Road Services while you’re between them.

Gang, I learned something. The biscochito (Literally, “Little biscuit”, I’m believing) is the Official Cookie of the state of New Mexico. I never knew Chips Ahoy! might one day be the official snack of South Dakota

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford City Council Votes Down Keebler Pecan Sandies As Official City Cookie Once Again!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“City Spokesperson: ‘We’re holding firm on Oreos. The City of Milford would rather not be linked to a treeful of elves.”

“Doug, while you’re going to Advance Auto Parts for a fan belt, would you mind going to Milford Pastry Shoppe for some biscochitos, some Lance Sour Cream Crackers and a Pumpkin Spice Latte? I have these Milford Erection invoices I have to sort through.”

“Sure, Dr. Pearl. You want Reddi-Whip on your biscochitos again?”

“No, thank you. My doctor warned me about my blood sugar.”

And does ANYBODY have ANY idea what they are talking about in P2? And does Vic do James Brown renditions on the road????? Live at The Apollo in Perrysburg????? He struts to “Living in America” or “Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag” on Perrysburg High’s scorer’s table? Is the wood strong enough to sustain his platform shoes?

Okay, already, Doug, we get it, your heart goes out to a guy less fortunate and Vic, you tailgated the team bus from Milford to Perrysburg. But how does riding the Mudlark bus bumper relate to Milford’s next two opponents which are by your account formidable? The storyline took another unforseen bend in the river but Mark Twain had a paddle wheel to steer when he took his steamboat through Life on the Mississippi. How do you guide a tugboat that lost its rudder when it collided into all the ducks at Mudlark Lake? Stories are meant to have a point but again, we’re observing several stories cross each other and leave a few non-sequitors in the wake. Vic in P2 is presumably sizing up Milford Boys Basketball the next two weeks but we’ve wound up on Gil’s lawn. With the water sprayer going full blast.

Damn it, Doug, shanghai him on the bus next trip if it’ll make you feel any better so that we don’t have you talking yin and he’s talking it’s called the Yellow River because everybody pees in it every morning. Or yang, same difference.

If ya wind up gittin’ shanghai’d at the county Turkey Shoot in the NEXT county ta call the winners uv th’ action even if yore reason was becuz yore 4-wheel drive broke down, ya might be a redneck.

All righty then, let’s see if we’re on the same page. It is okay for Milford High School to not only shove its PA announcer on the other team, but he can do his homework on company time. Okay, I’m sure Perrysburg responded, but he’s bringing his own hot dogs. We don’t supply sack lunches to the opponent.

And what is the purpose of taking notes at a ball game that he is supposedly the dude who announces all the fouls? Just one more blind alley that Thorpiverse is conducing us down that more than likely will shed no light towards the end. Was there really any closure when all the free food got dumped at the charity ball game? Shoot, the ump damn near called the forfeit. Daggone, I forgot, Mr. Rooney confessed that he was the one who called Domino’s. Thank you for that candid vocalization, Mr. Rooney. We were entertaining the notion of calling a private detective agency until you came clean. No need to drop the quarter on the gas can in Encyclopedia’s garage if Mimi and Bugs Meany spilled out their guts and admitted they bribed the Jay’s Subs driver to deliver googelplex number of sandwiches.

And so if we don’t ever find out that ol’ Shoehorn was doing the crossword while Little Richarding a Mudlark slam dunk, no worries. Plot development will still suck but the truth will surface eventually. If you ate too many Jay’s $5 Footlongs in the midday sun like mad dogs and Englishmen, you’re bound to not only throw up the merchandise but discover Coach Kaz maxed out on his Milford Teacher’s Credit Union Debit Card financing the subs. It may get ugly but cathartic.

WOP BOP A BOO BOP A WOP BAM BOOM TUTTI FRUTTI

” Vic, who scored that last 3-pointer?”

And naturally, Doug, unless that’s a piece of outerwear promoting The White Album from The Beatles, has to show off his Nascar colors. As if we couldn’t guess his allegiances. Doug, do you REALLY think we’re this stupid? You have not been witnessed playing a minute of basketball, even if we see aborted attempts to imitate a basketball player. You swing your weight and your gym bag around but for all we know, your gym bag is full of Snap-On Tools. Now look, it’s bad enough if the Jay’s Subs appears at this game but if the Snap-On truck shows up at mid-court, you deserve to be relegated to racing against Valley Modified. I don’t think Mr. Rooney will finance the Snap-On Gift Card. You’ll have to buy your own Snap-On tool box.

I admit those tools come in handy when you manage to fast forward this game. Winning with the aid of a lot of hearsay must be nice. I always participated myself but maybe that’s why I never got a Nascar jacket at Christmas.

“And Milford wins, 72-64, and if Dipwad Vic will hand me the stat sheet, I will give you the numbers after these messages. Go do your homework on a Dixie cup, Shoehorn. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“My goodness, what a response we’ve gotten since we last spoke. Many people are tired of being out of breath or being called ‘Porky’. One man at the support group meeting poured out his tears when he lamented his lack of control at flatulating at staff meetings at work. We were glad he could eat Van Camp’s with a sense of bravado once again.

Hi, this is Mimi Thorp for Milford Nutr-Well Center. I personally was fed up with being burned on 2-on-1 fast breaks when I was playing basketball in the driveway with my kids. Talk about parking in a driveway. I couldn’t even drive in a parkway, let alone on my daughter, I was so fatigued from all those Ritz Butter Crackers I snacked on. It was time to snack healthy and let the Schwan’s driver deliver Rocky Road to Alice Kravitts across the street. It kept her from snooping too. Rich ice cream will cut down in spying in the window.

When my own daughter was backing me down in the paint, it was time to take charge. I called Milford Nutr-Well Center and they sent a Field Secretary to explain my options. And was I surprised.

The Field Sec showed me some plans that could maximize my food intake but not maximize my waistline while minimizing the cost. That was important because I was close to maximizing the payments on the septic tank we purchased a few years ago and while the fart odors have been minimized thanks to engineering tactics that manipulated the water systems to healthy levels, I really didn’t want to keep raiding Gil’s credit cards in his wallet when he was asleep. Eventually his Visa Gold would maximize if the septic tank backed up and flooded the basement again. Floating turds and overdrafts are smelly and no fun.

First, you have to have breakfast as that is your chance to refuel after 8-10 hours of no food. The Field Sec showed me how to have a healthy breakfast that didn’t have to include Wonder Toast dipped in wheat germ oil. In fact, she ordered on the back catalog some Jimmy Dean Pure Pork Sausage and Biscuits which should arrive any day now. If I could sustain myself on the Wonder Toast and a bowl of Lucky Charms, the Federal Express man would deliver the celestial diet items, Nutr-Well Center paying for the shipping. With a glass of orange juice, I was well on my way to dunking on my daughter, especially after lowering the goal to 8 feet.

My Field Sec also gave an excellent diagrammed plan, breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, bedtime snack. And did it work!!!!!!!!!! I found that you really couldn’t go without eating all day as your metabolism would shut down. So some cherries at mid-morning, a healthy veggie burger at lunch washed down with lentil soup and prune juice, plus a healthy portion of turkey breast filets with mashed potatoes at dinner sent me on my way to slimming the pudge that was protruding every time I called a time out. It was embarrassing to remind them they were in a 1-3-1 zone when my abdomen was jumping up and down with my boobs. Now drinking Mott’s Diet Prune Juice and gobbling up turkey legs got me off the bench faster when I cussed out the referee when he called a charge when it was clearly a blocking foul. And if I wanted to cheat and eat a Twinkie, as long as I carefully weighed it on the scale, well, Heaven was just a sin away.

The Field Sec also mentioned that sometimes the chicken cacciatore wouldn’t always agree with the fried beets and the Fanta wasn’t going to wash it down. No problem. Milford Nutr-Well Center contracted with Uber to deliver, free of charge, X-Lax in the soft gel tablets. A month’s supply ensured that we could eat our ostrich chili in peace and if that got stuck with the couscous, we could could chew on a chocolate tablet and clean ourselves of the whole affair. In fact, one night I had a Rice Krispie treat after 3 hours of diarrhea. I considered it a reward for soldiering on at the the toilet seat.

And you have helped spike sales of our Nutr-Well Systems and the powers-that-be are so ecstatic that they have engaged a special offer. Between now and the end of the month, if you lose at least 10 pounds, Milford Nutr-Well Center will send you absolutely free the February Dessert Plan. Isn’t that wonderful? Endure another week or two of leg of lamb and split pea soup with Milford Vending Diet Pork Rinds as a snack and Jello Pudding Pops will be awaiting you before Valentine’s Day. I have a couple of Pork Rind bags next to Jif Peanut Butter Crunchy in the lazy Susan even as I speak.

What are you waiting for? Call Milford Nutr-Well Center today and beat your son at his own game in the driveway. If you get exhausted playing him in a game of H-O-R-S-E, it’s time to call and take life by the horns and score the lay-up along the way.”

The Mudlark Basketball player is practicing Muscular Christianity. If he was really shooting, the goal would show up on the panaromic photo, so there.

God bless you, Gang.

“Gil, I need to use that scale to weigh my can of Le Seuer Peas. Are you done weighing your basketballs?”

“Go for it. They should be High School Athletic Association regulation weight by now.”

After hanging up the phone at the Thorp household

“Mommy, Milford Erection Incorporated just called. They said they’ll have the poles reaching climax tomorrow after they treat the wood and set them up for our large kiddie pool.”

“That’s fine, honey. Did you send out all your birthday invitations for your pool party tomorrow?”

January 13, 2021

Tessi, You Are The Only Only Only

Filed under: basketball, huge earrings — teenchy @ 10:25 am

Here we go again with another attempt to make Corina Karenna, the obnoxious girl with an alleged heart of gold, a likeable character. Sympathetic, maybe – that whole mom’s mental health backstory tried to cement that – but likeable? Since when? Since she got the dueling quarterbacks to bring their teammates to her volleyball games and to bury their mutual hatchet with the lure of something other than her mom’s brownies?

Oh, here’s how: by taking down a rah-rah teammate who might not be as much about team as she lets on. In the land that time forgot when I played high school sports I don’t recall ever going over the stat sheets after a game to see how I did. (That’s probably because I usually played positions for which few, if any, stats were kept or, when I did play stat-generating positions, I got so little playing time that I seldom racked up any stats.) In Milford, however, it’s a regular thing and excessive attention to one’s own numbers has been portrayed as a cardinal sin. So “I hate team sports” Corina will make “There’s no I in ‘team’ but there are two in my name” Tessi Milton into more of a team player by knocking her down a peg or two. Just not on this bus ride back from Toledo.

Today’s post title reference is better suited for use during baseball/softball season but how often do we get a character named Tessi(e)?

January 12, 2021

Hit The Road, Gil, And Doncha Come Back No More.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 10:57 am

Gang, renember the Saturday Night Live sketch where Gilda Radner plays a little girl and Bill Murray and Jane Curtin play her parents and Gilda goes to bed at night and like a lot of kids, sometimes they get scared and they they think they hear things or see things? Well, Gilda’s no exception so she thinks she sees a monster when it’s just her coat crumpled up on a chair but the coup de grace is when her bed’s shaking and, a la The Exorcist, she thinks it’s possessed. Much to her embarrassment, it’s a bunch of nomads and gypsies living under her bed that are apparently boarders renting from Gilda’s parents.

That’s kinda sorta how I think Maureen’s granddaughter in P1 popped out of nowhere. They didn’t wonder why the table was vibrating?

I mean, give us a warning next time, Thorpiverse. She sits under the table doing her homework until the topic shifts gears, then she slithers out inthe middle of her memorozing the trig ratios? Now if this educated man is proffering an educated guess, she is more than likely the waitress but I have not seen too many waitresses wearing Carrie White dresses shoot up from the floor. Did you ever see the Domino’s delivery guy with a pepperoni appear out of the parquetry? Well, maybe in T-verse, but anywhere else? Hey, Rocky, watch me pull Sissy Spacek out of my hat.

But we’re learning about cars, that’s the main thing, even if plot development is coming out of those doors Maxwell Smart used to walk into for his next assignment.

I was amazed that some bank was voted the best bank in their county. Hats off to them though I’m confident banks in less populated counties are not going to get much competition

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Selected As Best Running Back In The County According To Milford Parks & Recreation Flag Football League Officials!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Nobody can match my speed or agility or when I run that off-tackle play which I worked on over the summer.”

Hit the road, Gil

And doncha come back

No more

No more

No more

No more

Hit the road, Gil

And doncha come back no morrrrreeeee

Get the hint, Gil

And doncha waste our time

No more

No more

No more

No more

Get the hint, Gil

We don’t want you here no morrreeeeeeeee

Gil, oh, Gil

Don’t bore us to death

This story’s losing juice, going to run out of breath

If development crawls so slow

Gil, you better pack and go

Get the hint, Gil…

In Dr. Pearl’s office as she is filing Thumbtack Supply Reports-2007

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE DESK IS SHAKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CALL A PRIEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gil’s voice is heard

” Dr. Pearl, do you mind? I’m doing our walk-through.”

And nobody more than me commends Vic for his courageous fight with his situation and I salute the automakers who do everything possible to manufacture handicap-friendly vehicles at an affordable cost.

But Vic was mild-mannered Clark Kent and a humble one at that, especially when he posed the question to Gil. Now he’s like Linus who used to do those wild-eyed fanatic expressions in front of Charlie Brown. And leave it to Gil to send a feel- good story to the showers. It was fun while it lasted.

I don’t mind Vic essentially explaining his situation like he’s doing in P1 but we can do without Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde exchanges. I’ll leave it up to you which one he is masterminding while’s he’s munching his gratis hot dog and imitating the K.C. & The Sunshine Band while announcing who committed the foul. Maybe he and Maureen’s grandaughter in P1 can be the next Sonny & Cher duo. Y’know, singing “The Beat Goes On” every time Milford stages a rally or “I Got You Babe” every time the ref makes a bad call. Called a foul when the Mudlark barely breathed on the opponent? “You Better Sit Down, Kids.”

“That’s right, Milford Diner was voted best in the county. And to show our appreciation, now until this Sunday, kids eat for half off at our Meat Loaf Buffet, drinks included. Sorry, kids cannot indulge from the keg…”

Why are we not surprised what Doug is saying in P2? Doug, I hate to break it to you, but unless you’re Gil with a DUI as a result of excessive drinking at the Milford Lounge, we get the gist of your situation. You like cars. Duh.

What we still HAVEN’T seen and I’m bettin’ Corina’s attitude we WON’T see right off the bat is your ability to play basketball. Currently we’re viewing more Indianapolis 500 than NBA Finals and, while I’m not a big racing fan, I do like the sport but if this is basketball season can you for once TALK BASKETBALL???? Because if you’re a starter on the team, you are way out of character at this juncture. You could hold a conversation better with Michael Andretti better than Larry Bird. If we see you at the corner booth with these guys with Nascar and Pennsoil and STP and I Love Racing Better Than Vocational Career Testing With Dr. Pearl sewn on their jackets, we are going to figure you are not talking about Wilt’s 100-point game in much depth.

And Gil just lets this guy cruise the streets of Milford in his Richard Petty Special at the expense of the basketball team? Sure, Doug, go have fun kickin’ exhaust fumes in Al Unser’s face at the Milford 400. Just work on your free throws when you make a pit stop. Remember, eye the front of the rim and follow through. I’m glad A. J. Foyt is going to go one-on-one. Need to work on your moves to the bucket, especially the give-and-go. Oh, you have some basketballs right behind your seat? I won’t have to order anymore turbo-smoke-resistant Spaldings? Awesome.

If ya play point gawrd on th’ basketball team and ya had ta leave at halftime cuz ya work fer a towin’ company that tows ravers at th’ Milford 400 and ya had ta tow Buddy Baker’s wreckage, charred body included, ta take ta th’ Milford City Dump, ya might be a redneck.

And it’s so classy for Doug to be the hero for Vic “Too Loud For Milford Dog Show” Doucette. Yeah, that’s right, you scratch my back, I’ll kiss your butt. I’m a bit foggy on who’s going to be doing the butt-kissing, the jury’s still out, but we for now know that a special relationship is blossoming right under the hood. Gee, if we could just see what that has to do with the basketball season, I be at peace with myself until at least March. Doug hitting 3-pointers when he’s not getting greasy changing the carburetor filter in his car and licking Vic’s boots or mike, depending on whether Doug is in the mood to genuflect. But the same could be said for Vic licking Doug’s open-end wrench. Again, the jury’s still out. I’d hate to see what Dr. Pearl would do if she asked Doug to fix her car. Blow on the turbo exhaust pipe?

“Gil, I need those Referee W-2’s-2015 Reports by this afternoon.”

“Said and done. BTW, what’s that black ring around your mouth?”

Hit the road, Gil

And doncha come back

No more

No more

No more

No more

Hit the road, Gil

And doncha come back no moreeeeeeeeee

Mimi, whatchoo say

Get a grip, Gil

And doncha come back

No more

No more

No more

No more

Get the drift, Gil

And doncha come back no morrrreeeeeeee

Whoa, Gil, O, Gil, don’t treat us so mean

Gnashing crummy scripts than we’ve ever seen

Exerting toothpicks to hoe

Gil, you best be packin’ and go

Get the drift, Gil…

And in P3, did Maureen’s granddaughter shove her waitress’s note pad in the gym locker and become the Harlem Globetrotters? I was wondering why I heard “Sweet Georgia Brown” in the background why I was piling on the meat loaf at the buffet table at Milford Diner. You want your Baked Salmon medium-rare? Oops, got a ball game in 30 minutes. Coach Mimi wants us there for lay-up drills 15 minutes before tip-off. Enjoy your meal.

And why should we not be surprised? Next thing you know, we’ll find out that Mimi’s mom is actually Endora. That’s right, if the girls basketball team falls behind, just call on Endora who is sitting in the 3rd row in the bleachers to wiggle her lips. Voila, the Lady Mudlarks pull it out by five. Clutch free throws and Endora popping up by the concession stand out of the blue with all that smoke around her, a sure-fire formula for Lady Mudlarks winning basletball. Why not, Gil’s been doing that for 60 years. The only difference is he been the recipient of the gods smiling on him, endowing him wth pro wrestling scripts where the good guy many times wins thanks to clean living and obnoxious fans booing the opposition, even fans OF the opposition booing the opposition. You got it good, Gil. Nice to have Philistines on your end of the bench when competing against Goliath.

At the Thorp household one night

“Oh, God, Gil, keep it coming, keep it coming.”

Endora comes out of the closet

“Endora, do you mind? Can’t you drag your baggy body in here some other time?”

“Gil, SHUT UP!!!!!!!!! She might turn you into a squirrel!!!!!!!!!! Look what she did to Darren Stephens. He’s eating peanuts now at the Milford Zoo!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“…and Milford is running up and down the court, playing keepaway, while the opponent is losing at this game of which I speak. An official’s time out is being called to give everybody a chance to catch their breath. We’ll be back to resume this unforseen track meet after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Whew!!!!!!!!!! Boy, coaching 5 games a year can keep a person hopping and sometimes you neglect the other things in my life. When my husband started calling me Rhino Butt, even if he was just joking, that’s what he told me anyway, I had to go to the mirror. And it wasn’t good. I had gained several pounds. I was wondering why my abdomen felt scrunched when I was crouching and diagraming a play. I couldn’t have been pregnant, I had my last child before the millenium. Face it, I had a beer gut.

Hi, this is Mimi Thorp and I naturally panicked until Peaches suggested a wonderful place after Marty said he was having sex with a baby walrus. At the Milford Nutr-Well Center, they understand that our active go-go lifestyles can sometimes produce love handles. And if you don’t want your husband eloping on your second honeymoon by sweeping you off your feet by grabbing your stomach, the Nutr-Well Center has some wonderful diet plans. I didn’t want to get tossed around the wrestling ring like I was going to get body-slammed by my husband, so I listened.

And was I surprised. I thought I’d be eternally doomed pushing the Sisyphus Rock and eating fried zucchini on a banana split made from mangoes and zebra milk. With pumpernickel Oreos for dessert. I don’t even want to talk about where the cola came from but tribes in ancient Africa made their enemies drink it when they were conquered.

No, I found that I could feast on Pizza Hut Pan Sausage Pizza made from artificial sausage that my husband at Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage plant manufactures in the lab. I don’t know how they were able to get prime sausage by pouring it in an Erlenmeyer flask without shooting the hog but I DID lose five pounds and in the end, if it got the W, then they can use a BB gun on Porky Pig for all I care.

And I was patiently shown how to weigh my portions and with an affordable price that won’t strain your budget or your waistline, they give you a free scale to take home. They showed me how to place the slices of pumpkin pie on the scale so it doesn’t fall on the floor. Believe me, there”s an art to clumping Cool Whip on your lemon meringue and still lose the inches and not let the roaches feast on the crumbs on your linoleum countertop. My husband was surprised how I could dump strawberries on my shortcake and lose my double chin and not have to use Pine Sol to clean up the mess. Mmmmmm, mmmmmm, good.

They also gave me handouts on the proper aerobicizing schedule when you’re weighing your Wendy’s Double Cheese on the scale. These aerobics are great addendums to a wonderful diet agenda and the best is yet to be. It was fun shaking my booty to Ozark Mountain Daredevils’ ‘Jackie Blue’ and getting rewarded with an On Cor Breaded Stack that I was able to stack on the scale with a deftness reserved for Alexander Calder. It might have been the Leaning Tower of Pisa but again, an ugly win is better than a pretty loss. And I have been losing the pounds by the inch. My husband says it’s less of a strain in bed. No more Heartbreak Hill’s. Next week, I’ll be workin’ my pecs and weighin’ my lobster to Eric Clapton’s ‘Tangled in Love’. My diet counselor told me to make sure you stun the lobster before you put in on the scale.

And forget about Chocolate shakes and starve all day until the dinner bell. Go to The Bucket if you want to lose weight pursuing that angle. At Milford Nutr-Well Center, you can even drink beer if you’ve been vigilant in your endeavors to slimming down. And I can say how wonderful it was to stick that Bud can on the scale after dancing to ‘Hooked on Classics-Rose Garden’. Lynn Anderson never sounded better with The Trammps as her backup band. Victory Beers never tasted sweeter.

It’s up to you. You pack your own chute. Come watch your own parachute unfold before you and feel as light as your high school days and get a free scale along the way. Sounds like a winning recipe to me. Only at Milford Nutr-Well Center.”

Gang, thank you for hanging with me. I was on the road for my dad again and I was wiped out when done. But you all have been good to me. You deserved my best efforts. God bless you all.

And doncha come back no morrrrrreeeeeee

Wait a minute (Doncha come back no morrrreeee)

That baseball plot served free pizza (Doncha come back no morrrrreeeeee)

I take back what I said about Dr. Pearl and her breast implants (Doncha come back no morrrrrreeeeee)

Mimi really doesn’t have a rhino butt. I saw her putting Birds-Eye Frozen Peas on the scale (Doncha come back no morrrreeeeeeee)

We’ll quit scrimmaging and start playing basketball by the end of January (Doncha come back no morrrrreeeeeeee)

Mimi’s butt doesn’t look like the Brooklyn Tunnel (Doncha come back…)

January 11, 2021

Let’s Talk Accessibility Vehicles

Filed under: huge glasses, The Bucket — nedryerson @ 10:40 am

I think Rod Whigham really wanted to draw some cars, but not just muscle cars like Doug Guthrie’s GTO. He lovingly recreated a GMC Safari, a sexy wheelchair-accessible light-duty vehicle for the ages. Look at it parked under the bright lights of The Bucket, gleaming like a pearl. Nice.

Gearhead Doug Guthrie is not just into high performance vehicles, but he also seems to have an interest in wheelchair-accessible vehicles. He’s up on the latest trends in such vehicles so he wonders if Vic has considered the MV-1. That’s a wheelchair-accessible light-duty vehicle from Mobility Ventures, which isn’t currently in production but must have caught Doug’s eye in Car and Driver a few years back. I don’t know Doug, the base price on those was around 40K and Vic, who couldn’t have been driving for too long, is cruisin’ around in a sixteen year old van. I’d say he didn’t consider the MV-1.

The boys in The Bucket are ready to move on from this fascinating topic. No, wait, someone wants more details on the MV-1. Fasten your seatbelts and swivel your seats. This is really going to get interesting.

January 9, 2021

It’s Not the One Marked “Free Candy”

Today let’s be anoraks and go down the rabbit hole of passenger vans. The Chevy Astro and its GMC Safari sibling were mid-size vans sold by GM from the mid-1980s until the mid-2000s. They were sold in both cargo and passenger van configurations. Even though they haven’t been made in over a decade and a half, you still see them on the road once in a while. I’m guessing in Vic’s case he doesn’t live in his down by the river, so the conversion isn’t of the camper kind but of the kind that helps him accommodate his CP. It should then look something like this:

What’s the point of all this? A point of connection between distracted kartboy Guthrie and overzealous PA boy Doucette. Maybe a few poor showings on the track will convince Doug that racing’s not his future but wrenching is. We can fast forward a few years to find Vic doing PA work for the Detroit Pistons while Doug is swapping actual pistons in the last few internal combustion-engined vehicles in town at the Milford Garage and Auto Body.

Tune in Monday when Vic fills us in on the van and the rest of the Mudlarks finally eat those burgers.

January 8, 2021

Now thats a f-f-f-freak hand

Filed under: basketball, freak hands, The Bucket — robmize2013 @ 8:34 pm

Well its fine and dandy that Vic made it through the game without getting assaulted either by the opposing team or his own, by making up nicknames that may or may not have been approved beforehand. Whats Marty Moon gonna do for an encore now that nobodys listening to him anymore?

See you there? How do they know Vic doesnt have some postgame work to do adding up stats etc, or heck, doing homework? Maybe its Friday night anyway. A little camaraderie with the PA announcer doesnt hurt any, but I KNOW I never saw a PA announcer who fraternized with the team.

Ever see a hand so big it could unscrew the ceiling lights all by itself? Now you have.

Nice that they already ordered food before Vic strolled in. I’m sure he was busy doing what I said in the last paragraph. I imagine they’ll come up with some more nicknames for other players for the next game. The fly in the ointment is coming though, and Rubin is doing a good job of disguising it so far. But so far this plot is rather painless.

Finally, my video will feature a guy we lost last night, Tommy Lasorda, former manager of the Dodgers who ate at every restaurant in Chicago, and then some. Probably hadnt paid for a meal there in who knows how long, what with all the people he knew and who he was; a true baseball ambassador who was the first manager I really cheered for when his Dodgers played the Yankees in the World Series. I still remember this bullshit call by the umps involving Reggie Jackson. I was as mad as Tommy.

January 7, 2021

Vic “Shoehorn” Doucette Is Living Up To That Reputation.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 11:32 am

There was an early episode on the Dick Van Dyke Show where Dick is putting the finishing touches on a comedy sketch (he’s a comedy writer for the fictional Alan Brady Show) with his assistants, veteran comedy people Morey Amsterdam and Rose Marie, when Mel Cooley (played by one of my favorite comedians, Richard Deacon-loved his cookbooks) , essentially Alan Brady’s right-hand man, brings in his cousin, Maxwell Cooley (played by Gavin McLeod, who would later show up as a regular on the Mary Tyler Moore Show and as lead man on The Love Boat) , who is a jewelry salesman and a bit of a huckster. Everything is pretty much for $35.00 to which Rob Petrie (Dick Van Dyke) is totally oblivious.

What makes it funnier is Maxwell is trigger-happy to humor, laughing at anything even if it isn’t remotely funny. When Morey says that Maxwell will laugh at ANYTHING, he proves it by uttering flatly “Shoehorn”. Maxwell goes into hysterics, making the episode that much funnier.

So when I saw ol’ Shoehorn describing the action this morning, the first thing that came to mind was “Wait a minute, he’s just the PA announcer. He tells us who scored the basket. Who committed the foul. Who the officials are for tonight’s game”. Since when did he start doing play-by-play? Talk about shoehorning your way on the floor. But the Rogers Ram just got a foul tacked on him. What can you do about an ANNOUNCER charging in on the action? Take his hot dog away? Make him stand in the corner until he stops sounding like Dickie V.? Write “I will not say that Doug Guthrie is a Diaper Dandy” 100 times, typed and double-spaced?

Again, he sidetracked his way to class to lap up to Gil at the faculty lounge so he could get the announcer’s job. He was about as humble and contrite as your dog when you’re about to throw him a bone. Now he’s Chris Berman Incarnate. And like in the movie “Good Morning Vietnam” where Sergeant Major Dickerson asks the general what’s going to happen when Adrian Cronauer not only violates government regulations but draws a crowd in the process. That may be what we’re looking at here

“Vic, you’re only supposed to call the player’s name when he scores. Mark ‘Godleski’s Last Name Isn’t Damn’ is crossing a line. No Twix bars tonight.”

“Go to Hell, Coach. Talk to my agent. He’s over there kissing up to your wife.”

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Varnish Breath Vic Doucette In Hot Water Again After Latest Gaffe!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Sources say Gutless Gil Thorp was a bit excessive. Displinary measures pending.”

Mel Cooley comes to Dr. Pearl’s office, bringing Max Cooley with him

“Hello, Mr. Cooley, who’s this gentleman?”

“Oh, this is my cousin, Max Cooley.”

“HAHAHA, pleased to meet you, Dr. Pearl.”

“Thank you. So what I can I do for you while I’m doing these Art Supplies Inventory-1987 reports?”

“HAHAHAHA”

“Uh, would either you gentlemen care for some coffee. I still have some Maxwell House Decaf in the pot.”

“HAHAHAHA”

“I’m sure glad we won yesterday. Mimi’s coaching saved the day. That time out settled the girls down.”

“HAHAHAHA”

“And benching Corina fired up the team.”

“HAHAHAHA”

“Mr. Cooley, does your cousin laugh at everything?”

“He’s just trigger-happy. But this’ll really make him laugh. Watch. ‘Gil Thorp’.”

“HAHAHAHAHAHA”

“Dr. Pearl, it wasn’t THAT funny. I know Gil can be a joke, uh, well, never mind, my cousin is a jewelry salesman and he has top-of-the-line stuff…”

I swear, I am going to enroll in Winter Semester at Milford School of Art & Design. If Thorpiverse can’t draw the crowd any better than that hot fudge sundae smeared all over the bleachers in P1, I am gunning for a scholarship. I would hate to see what that glop looks like if it was colorized. Then again, maybe not. I saw enough of Clockwork Orange. At least they rated it X to give people a warning. Those bleachers are filled with the casualties when Patton headed off Erwin Rommel and his Nord Afrika Korps. Thank God we won or Luhm would be sweeping and mopping up dead bodies for the Axis powers.

Just give me Kiwi Black shoe polish, some White-Out, a couple of Bic Black Magic Markers, and voila, I have a studio audience to respond to Vic’s tarantellas. The guy at the bottom has to be Father Time, the beard drawn with a paintbrush with goathairs. Then there’s Captain Crunch who proves in P1 why he’s never sketched in black and white. Did you ever try his Peanut Butter Cereal in black and white? The analogy drives home the point. Cereal lacking food color schemes and Captain Crunch drawn with a welder’s pencil doesn’t mix. And who are those gentlemen sitting on Captain Crunch’s head? Members from The Dave Clark Five? Are they taking Vic “I Plead The Fifth” Doucette’s lead? Hey, rock stars are human and like to go to high school sports too; and if they’re drawn like they’re cheering on the team, not an outgrowth of Captain Crunch’s head or a miniaturized version of Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band album cover, they’ll be Mudlarks for life. With a little help from our friends.

And Marcell Irby is tall but he can’t be wearing platform shoes. He and his buddies are in a powwow to discuss how they mutated to 8 feet tall all of a sudden. Maybe those Captain Crunch Nutrament bars had a little too much chocolate in them. And the water in the water bottle tasted a little funny. You sure they got the water from the locker room sink? And WHY are these Jolly Green Giants standing there. A foul was announced, not the History of Rogers Rams Athletics. I don’t see a movie screen anywhere, unless it’s under the bleachers where the Dave Clark Five is sitting.

“Now Dr. Pearl, this same necklace was worn by Empress Mudlarkia. She ruled in the Late Egyptian Reign.”

“Oh my goodness, Maxwell, it’s so adorable. How much are you willing to charge?”

“I’m getting a tax break so I’ll let you have it, with a discount, for $39.99.”

“Oh, Maxwell, you drive a hard bargain. Very well, I shall take it.”

“My suppliers cut me some slack. Milford Flea Market, I mean, my wholesale dealer was in a generous mood this week.”

The whole episode was about Rob buying a jewelry gift for his wife, Laura (Mary Tyler Moore) from Maxwell and Rob’s gesture is well-intentioned but heads horribly in the wrong direction. The necklace is about the gaudiest, tackiest piece of work known to mankind. It is onerous and bawdy and when Laura puts it on, she is trying to be nice but it’s obvious to everybody but Rob that she doesn’t like it and who can blame her.

What makes it funnier is that Maxwell convinces Rob who goes right around to try to convince Laura that this necklace was once worn by some empress from a famous dynasty or kingly lineage or bloodlines from some obscure royalty, which was the point. It could have been worn by the Queen of Hearts and she shouted “Off with his head!!!!!!!!!!!!” anytime anyone laughed at her pendant and Laura wouldn’t care. Laura wouldn’t wear this at Gil’s funeral.

But Laura doesn’t know how to tell Rob that she hates it and Rob’s neighbors just compound the problem, Jerry wanting to buy this for Millie, although Millie eggs on Laura to come clean with Rob, to no avail.

“Oh, Laura, I know I should tell Gil he got these cuff links out of the garbage cans in the alley but I’ve been trying to summon up the courage for 60 years to tell him he can’t coach.How do I tell him to use a tie to wrap his leadership in a Glad Lawn & Leaves Bag?”

And Thorpiverse and I take separate paths when describing a fast break. That’s when you get the rebound, then pass the ball downcourt before the other team can set up their defense. Usually we’re talking 3-on-1, i.e., 3 Mudlarks versus 1 Rogers Ram or 2-on-1, i.e., 2 Mudlarks etc. Yeah, assuming those 3 gentlemen in the foreground in P2 are all Rogers Rams, granted they’re still out of position and they didn’t slide their feet but I bet Laura’s necklace they’d been down the other end long before they ran the break. Hard to slide your feet when you’re standing there clueless looking at Thomas Muench (assuming again) as if you forgot he’s not on your team and you’re wondering why your teammate is shooting at the opponent’s goal. Wait a minute (looking at own uniform) , his uniform color doesn’t match mine. He must be the opponent. I guess I should guard him. I was wondering why my coach was shouting obscenities in 12 different languages.

And a fast break usually results in an easy lay-up or dunk. Running 12-footers are nice but if the 12-footer and the fast break are one and the same, the Mudlark comeback trail is going to get ragged. Well, unless those bowling pins are still stationary, then Muench can shoot withbthe least amountvof resistance. No sense in worrying whether a bowling pin will violate the vertical plain or kill the break. Milford will literally win in a walk.

If ya buy a gold-plated watch from the garbage man that th’ Mayor of Milford threw out cuz it had scratch marks on th’ cover but ya want ta want ta work third shift at Milford Foundry in style and impress th’ boss man with a gilded piece of attire, ya might be a redneck.

And who is that person in the corner????

I immediately ruled out ANYONE playing for Rogers Rams who’s playing in the game. If he’s taking a piss behind the scorer’s table while Thomas “Betcha Can’t Eat Just One” Muench is running the break, sit him. If he’s with the Mudlarks, Gil will take appropriate action. And I have property on Mudlark Lark Driving Range if you honestly believe that. Anyone who lets Richard Petty run more races than fast breaks probably won’t bother to check to see if the Mudlark zipped up his shorts after peeing a river behind the bleachers.

And many high school stadiums have bleachers on the basket side so I cut some slack but anybody who is familiar with Thoroiverse knows Lobachevsky’s Theorem is liberally applied when it comes to stadium design.

No better application than P2. At the outset, the bleachers appeared to be mainly courtside. But today, if that schmuck in the corner is sitting in the bleachers, Muench is running the break towards the vomitory of the stadium. He’s taking pretty good aim in that direction anyway, the way his hair is flying. Who made the outlet pass, the stadium ushers?

And who IS that guy, if he’s not a fan in the stands? Maybe the Unabomber is in the building taking in the game before he plants a stick of dynamite under the drinking fountain. Maybe it’s the Pillsbury Dough Boy. The catch-as-catch-can artwork has finally met its match. Talk about abusing your Crayola’s. It could be Don Noort. Hey, at least he’s a basketball fan, not the mystery face in some Ryman Auditorium photo from 1948. Unless he likes Mudlark Basketball games and Bill Monroe and Roy Acuff.

I know!!!!!!!!!!! It’s Gil Thorp taking in the game. Wait a minute, he’s the coach. He’s taking in the game, if nothing else.

SHOEHORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA

“Nope, sorry, Vic. Gotta do better if you want to do PA stuff. You have until Friday.”

“I’ll dunk my head in Brylcream every time I laugh.”

“I have plenty in my footlocker in my office. Here’s a hall pass.”

WHATTTTTTTTTT????????????????

No Thomas “Crunch and” Muench?

No Thomas “Jefferson” Muench?

No Thomas “Jefferson Wrote The Declaration of Independence While Sitting On A Bag of Lay’s Sour Cream, Chester Cheetah’s Head, And Some Crunch And” Muench????

You’re slipping, Shoehorn.

Then there’s the crowd. One of those is a gimme. Silhouette #1 is truly pumping his fist and cheering his Mudlarks to victory. I won’t press my luck and say he’s directing it at Gil and his sterile coaching methods. And I’ll be nice on Silhouette #2. I could say, judging by the cap, that it’s a farmer getting an early jump on Spring and spreading seed on his fields despite snow sloshing in some of the furrows. No, he is wearing a Mudlarks Rule!!!!! on his top and keeping his dentures from slipping out in front of any fast break that Muench executes towards the Roger Rams that have their feet nailed to the parquetry. Hold that tiger and your bicuspids.

Silhoutte #3 is interesting. She is either part of a tree stump or a nun who wears bridal veils to ward off the glare of the scoreboard. She gets excited as long as she doesn’t get sunburnt. Ol’ Shoehorn certainly knows how to foment a rebellion with the Shadow People. I be sure to get the Shadow People vote when I’m running for office. You need those Swing States.

Rarely do I make political messages but to those of you who seized the US Capitol in the name of your cause, shame on you. You have ceased to become Americans. I will always endorse your beliefs and give you my blessing, even if I don’t agree with it as long as your protest is peaceful as the Constitution guarantees with Right to Peaceful Assembly.

If it’s violent, I want no part of it. As The Beatles sang, when you talk about destruction, don’t you know that you can count me out. Count me out of this one.

Frank Zappa was right. Register to vote.

We have voting booths. We have our court system. We have more government agencies than you can fathom. And you can argue that they don’t do any good. But neither does violence. What if violence directly affected my family? What if they were inside the Capitol? I’m holding you responsible. Again, shame on you.

As Dirty Harry once said, I may not always like the system, but until there’s changes that make sense, I’m sticking with it.

Please move to another country should you continue this travesty. And it is a farce.

“And time out is called out on the floor. Milford cuts it to one with 2:13 remaining. The Rogers Rams want to talk it over. And as long as Shoehorn isn’t talking over me, that’ll be even better. This is Marty Moon, not Shoehorn, and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

At the Shaw domicile one late evening

“Honeyyyyyyyyyy, I’m hornnnyyyyyyyyyyyy. It’s time for beddy-byyyyyyyyyyyyyy. It’s time for-Darling, I don’t mean to be rude but what is that necklace doing on the coffee table? Wasn’t that at Milford Peddler’s Mall last week?”

“Woman, that is where you are wrong. Yes, I did buy it at the Peddler’s Mall, but no, it wasn’t worn by just anybody. Queen Elizabeth, when she was clearing up space at Westminster Abbey, sold it on the open market. I was fortunate to get her prized possession before some 90-year-old with a cane got to the table. Sometimes ya gotta win the foot race with Grandma Moses if you want the finer things in life.”

“Honey, I could go down to Milford Dollar General Store and buy something like this. I saw a replica on a table next to the milk cooler.”

“Mrs. Shaw, I’m surprised at you. You don’t know royalty if it ran you over with a horse carriage. Queen Elizabeth wore this exact thing during her Corination ceremony. The lady at the booth said the Queen just gave it up because Prince Charles needed room for his Black Sabbath albums. He still treasures the time he bought “War Pigs” when he was cruising St. John Wood and he spotted an independent record seller.”

“I think the Peddler’s Mall is just handing you a line. They’ll say anything to get what’s been rotting in the attic off their hands.”

“Mrs. Shaw, if you don’t believe me, I have the Queen’s signature blazed on the back of the necklace. Ain’t no way she could fake that. Now put this on so I can get my dander up and get that feeling of ecstasy with royalty.”

“Do you honestly believe this crossed the ocean and found its way to some huckster at a garage sale? I’m not wearing a piece of trash to so I can be in Fantasyland.”

“Now why would I not believe the lady at the booth? How do you know she’s not the Queen’s second cousin? Hey, George Harrison lived in Illinois for years right under our noses.”

“Because I found this Milford Blow Torch Consortium tag in the box.”

“And I couldn’t get my money back. And to think, I almost bought Elvis’ shaving kit in the same aisle. But there’s one place where you have a money-back guarantee if you’re not satisfied with your performance. That’s right, the Milford Men’s Clinic will cheerfully refund your money if you don’t have the time of your life. And you don’t need to talk to the lady at the booth about that or your erectile problems. Get away from the rummage sale and experience real pleasure only at the Milford Men’s Clinic. Don’t sell your manhood at a garage sale. Let The Clinic restore the fun in your life without the used parts.

Don’t even go there, Gang. That is NOT the Planet of the Apes in behind ol’ Shoehorn. They were at the last game.

But God bless you, Gang.

And to conclude the Dick Van Dyke episode, Rob’s parents come over for a visit and Mom Petrie falls head over heels over Laura’s necklace. Mom is also trigger-happy like Maxwell Cooley, only she WEEPS over the silliest issues. She LOVES that bawdy necklace, which Laura gladly hands over, saving the trouble of telling Rob that she abhors it

“The Milford School Board has extended Gil’s coaching contract for another 60 years.”

OHHHHH, BOOHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOO

So Gil and Mimi have Dad and Mom Petrie over for dinner while Rob and Laura head to their second honeymoon

“Oh, here’s this Coaching Medal I won when the Mudlarks won the State in ’75. You can have it, Mom Petrie.”

OHHHHHHHHH BOOOOHHHHOOOOOOOOOO THANK YOU, MR. THORP

“And this MVP Trophy that Jerry Pulver won will be a nice addition to your China cabinet.”

OHHHHHHHHHHH BOOOOOOHHHHOOOOOOOO THANK YOU, MR. THORP

“And I would have put Mimi’s coaching accomplishments in Girls Basketball in your suitcase but I didn’t want to be rude and false advertise.”

OHHHHHHHHHHH BOOOOOOHHHHOOOOOOO THANK YOU, MR. THORP

Mel Cooley and his cousin in Ms. Rizk’s room

“Typewriter.”

HAHAHAHAHA…

January 6, 2021

Vic Doucette, Firestarter

Filed under: actual action, basketball, Exploding Eyeball Syndrome, Neal's friends — teenchy @ 9:34 am

Lots of fire metaphors at work today. Wonder if Corina’s mom is on the scene?

Looks like faithful TWIMer hitorque was correct in yesterday’s comments: strip Vic Doucette fancies himself another Chris Berman. He’s getting quickly full of himself and embellishing his calls, and odds are he didn’t clear any of this with Gil or his players. (I mean, why play off “fear of God” and not “Godleski, King of the Monsters“?)

When and how will Vic’s mouth get the Mudlarks in trouble? We may soon find out as a Ram knocks the slobber out of a Mudlark’s mouth. Did the Ram charge or was he blocked? Will Vic announce the wrong call or inject his opinion over the mic? Will he cause Milford to get charged with a technical?

Vic’s Bermanism hands us an audience participation opportunity: What Bermanisms would you lay on Gil Thorp characters? I’ll start:

Marjie “Acey” Ducey

Marty “How High The” Moon

Hadley V. “Wink” Baxendale

Bob “The Unabomber” Kazinski

Have at it in the comments, y’all.

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