This Week in Milford

April 8, 2020

Breakfast in Milford

Filed under: baseball, big arms, Boredom in Milford, Gil Thorp, Pantheon of Hair — teenchy @ 9:02 am

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Random thoughts today:

It appears Rubin is doubling down on making one of the plot lines this spring “What is The Mayor eating for breakfast, and what kind of container is he eating it from?” How he plans to make this relevant is beyond me this morning. Are Knappe’s chronic lateness and need to talk to everybody in the halls symptoms of ADHD? If so, did B/Robby Howry leave some Adderalls stashed in the Mudlarks’ equipment room that could help?

What’s going on with the Milford baseball jerseys? Baseball uniform numbers aren’t usually centered below the team name. Maybe these are leftovers from Milford’s aborted lacrosse program. And what’s with dude whose number ends in “2” behind gesturing speaker guy’s uni? Is he wearing his jersey tucked into a skirt like in A League of their Own or into shorts like the ’76 White Sox?

Finally, poor Hiawatha James, the Pete DeWindt of his class. ‘Watha looks like he wants to be anywhere but in the Milford locker room. Maybe it’s the prospect of catching only one pitcher all season (Gil didn’t mention any others besides Godleski). Maybe it’s the hairdo he’s been saddled with. Maybe he cares as much about The Mayor’s breakfast choices as the rest of us do.

April 7, 2020

“Tune Into The Next Bullwinkle Episode For ‘She Came In Through The Bathroom Window’ Or ‘Optimism Sprouts Like Turnips’.”

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Marjie Ducey — tdrewhardin @ 7:22 am

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I don’t know y’all, but I get this sneaking suspicion that Marjie Ducey is getting the Marty Moon treatment. Now over a number of years, when Moon Pie would interrogate with a shovel in his hands, Gil would respond with a snow shovel of his own. As Gil once said, based upon a true story “It’s a game. He asks me stupid questions. I give him stupid answers.”

But whaddup with Marjie, Gil? Coach, you better tread lightly. It wasn’t too long ago that she broke out of her Coach Shaw mold and actually CONTRIBUTED to the story. Remember that expose she did on Chet Ballard? That story saved your bacon. Another one in a long line of people wanting your head, all standing around in a circle like those old martial arts movies where you’re taking on one at a time utilizing your martial arts moves when if that circle all collapsed on you, you’d be roadkill in a B.C. comic, next to that anthill (“Pop, what’s that skull doing out there?” “I dunno, but Grog will eat it later on.”) .

And Milford High School tore down the old Room 222 structure and evidently borrowed ideas from the Mormon Tabernacle to construct a Neo-Modernistic marvel of the Valley Conference. Marjie and Gil couldn’t be seen walking out of Little Rock High. That was a historical site, not a high school. And coming out of Hickory High was gauche as well. Yeah, I guess it’d look kind of tacky if Marjie went Moon on us while Gil is eviscerating her in return with that “Hickory-State Champ 1954” water tower in the background.

Hey, I can see the concept. Gil acting like a piss ant to Marjie’s honest questions with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir blasting “Onward Christian Soldiers” somewhere on the Milford High School grounds. They may be singing from the chipped beef compartment in the cafeteria line at the high school but as long as it creates proper effect, who’s counting? When you draw majestic structures that are plotted smack dab in the middle of podunktown next to Pop’s Choklit Shoppe, there’s a little wiggle room involved.

 

Gang, I swear, while watching the 1960 World Series on Youtube, the score, 9-9, between the Pirates and the Yankees, bottom of the 9th inning with Bill Mazeroski at the plate with a 1-0 count, I heard somebody softly cheer from the stands “Just get on, Bill”.

I think everybody knows what happened next.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Scores 99-Yard TD Run To Win The Milford Parks & Recreation Adult Flag Football League Championship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I heard somebody from the stands call me ‘Rhino Legs’ and that motivated me.”

 

If you’re getting your eyes adjusted after Gil and Marjie walked out of Gil’s office after Gil downed another shot of Jack out of his Gil mug (or does he use the Gil mug for a chaser?) and they are in the process of leaving the Milford World Trade Center, you can focus on the conversation at hand.

And the Name Parade continues. We are already familar with Tom Muench as we know he can drive cars on consignment and I think he contributed to the basketball cause. Maybe he didn’t score the game-winning dunk but his name sounded sexy to anybody from Deutschland reading Gil while Chris was learning how to be unselfish. Hey, anything to help the story along. Throw Ivan Putski and Baron Von Raschke in there while Hiawatha contributes 27 points, 19 boards and nobody’s going to notice. The caption is just going to focus on the hero, not the names drawn from the ping pong ball chute. Unless you watch pro wrestling, the appelations will go right over your head.

In the Milford Scenic Sights Trailer Park in plot #67

“Chris Schuring fed Jerry Lawler the winning lay-up? I didn’t know The King played basketball.”

 

So my next question is WHO THE HELL IS ELDRICK BOSTON??????? Okay, we know he’s big and plays 1st base, according to Gilspeak. Oh, THAT’S a lot to go on. For all we know, he’s on a work-release program from Milford Minimum Security Facility playing high school baseball to relieve the tension. He lives in the same trailer park as mentioned above on plot #108, 2 months behind on the rent. He did pay the gas and electric this week after mowing Coach Kaz’s lawn. He is not on welfare because he believes if you don’t work, you don’t eat. And don’t feed him after midnight. You saw what happened to the Gremlins.

“Eldrick, what happened to you?”

“Coach, I don’t know. I went in The Bucket 24-Hour Drive-Thru and ordered Bucket Full o’ Spaghetti. The parmesan cheese did taste funny, it was really chewy.”

 

If ya build a Tower of Babel next ta yore trailer park after savin’ up from the money left over from the rent and utilities ya paid and ya sleep the first night on the floor in the so-called Tower until they build a bunk bed in the den, ya might be a redneck.

 

She came in through the prairie window

Armored with her pen and pad

And how she sucks up and she flounders

By Gil’s desk, interview is sad

 

Didn’t anybody tell her?

She had time to kill

Sunday’s on the phone to Marty

Tuesday’s on the phone to Gil

 

Boy, I just love Macy’s Annual Spring Time Parade. Is that a float of Marty Moon?  God, that goatee looks nasty when it’s flying along in the Goodyear Blimp. And the Mudlark Mean Machine Marching Band is playing “Abbey Road”. Is that “Octopus’ Garden” or “Here Comes The Sun”? It’s “She Came in through the Bathroom Window”? I never would have guessed the way they’re doing the funky chicken and the “Disco Inferno”-oh, crap, we’re parading NAMES. Silly me.

Well, we HOPE Chet Ballard has learned his lesson and sits in the bleachers and lets Charlie play ball. No more getting on your computer and seeing if Eldrick Boston did his General Math homework and stayed academically eligible. Yes, Chet, Eldrick turned in his homework on improper fractions. No more raiding the Milford School Corporation Building Annex to check the files to see if the home plate umpire is an illegal alien. Naturally, knowing Thorpiverse, if T-verse ran out of toilet paper and/or plot ideas, I would to see what happened if he attempted to recycle either. I’M NOT going to separate the bodies and get germs on my hands. Mama didn’t raise a fool.

Then there’s Freddy Maloof. I don’t THINK he’s related to Eldrick Boston since we have no clue who either one is. We know they will form the right side of the infield and beyond that, it’s gonna be anyone’s guess. Par for the course when the plot is doing its usual stabbing in the dark.

Maybe Maloof is Boston in Arabic. They were separated at birth and wound up on Gil’s playground. I’ll have Chet look into that. Well, come to think of it, that might not be a great idea, even with the best intentions. We can eventually get to the heart of the matter and finding out they are twins without Chet engaging in The Great Train Robbery to obtain the info. Really, if Thorpiverse has Chet and Jesse James and his gang hijack an Amtrak to confirm the issue, I think we better instill the golf plot 2 months earlier. There’s stupid, then there’s Fred using a condom with Wilma because they both want to stop at Pebbles.

 

“Just get on, Gil”

“Shoot, he’s going to shoot it out of the handicapped lot if he wants to get on the green.”

 

She said she’d always been a reporter

She typed 15 words a day

And though she knew Gil was out of order

Well, she knew what she could not say

 

And so I quit this plot already

And got myself a steady job

She tried her best to keep things lively

But it sunk down to Spongebob

 

Didn’t anybody stop her

This was just a gap to fill

Sunday’s on the phone to Marty

Tuesday’s on the phone to Gil

Oh yeah

 

And I am no horticulturist by any stretch of the imagination but I do a lot of hiking, having  hiked part of The Appalachian Trail, The Long Trail, The Santa Fe Trail, Knobstone Trail (longest hiking trail in Indiana) , The River to River Trail in Illinois and I have yet to locate one tree growing on top of another tree like the one in P2. I guess if you brought your wheelbarrow, mulch, humus, peat moss, a couple of shovels, one of them a spade shovel, a trowel or two, some seeds and if you borrowed somebody’s elevator, you could perhaps grow an apple tree or a redwood on top of an elm tree or hackberry tree. I’ll let you explore the possibilities.

 

P3-“The trunk on that turnip tree growing from that row of generic trees behind me grew THIS wide.”

 

Gang, Gil is being a smartass, plain and simple. And again, even if Marjie rips her slacks climbing through Gil’s water closet window for a close-up on the team before she goes back into hibernation, Gil, she spared you a crucifixion. Chet easily could have been Judas Iscariot. He hung himself on his own computer, thanks to Marjie. He didn’t need a tree, either one standing by itself or piggy-backed on a sugar maple.

 

 

“And that wraps up the roll call on the Mudlark Baseball team. Thank God we had reams of teletype. We’ll be back for Gil’s final thoughts on the team after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

 

“Did someone run over your Doberman? Was your pet goldfish accidentally flushed down the toilet? Was Morris the Cat involved in a hit-and-run?

These and other nagging questions occur to us when we least expect it and when we are hit with a whopping funeral bill that takes a chunk out of the grocery budget, it leads to disaster. Skipping the Welch’s Grape Juice aisle for a month is no fun.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Hello, this is Dr. Pearl for Milford Funeral Solutions. The grand people here have engineered affordable pet insurance solutions so you can have peace of mind while they’re lowering the casket 6 feet under.

For only $60 dollars a year, you can cover the cost of the burial box, burial plot, and a funeral service performed by the Salvation Army Band, they’ll even throw in the Wurlitzer. Isn’t it nice when Fido is lying in state that “When The Roll Is Called Up Yonder” is softly and tenderly performed by said musicians and they’re not on commission and the preacher is reading from an article written by Doctor Norman Vincent Peale in Guideposts about the Sanctity of the Spirit that your wallet won’t take a hit from lack of insurance.

Perhaps you would like to up the ante. Sometimes we have to go for broke like my husband as a colonel under General Burnside did at Antietem. He saved a lot of Union soldiers that way. And for $88 dollars a year, you can splurge and bring in a Christian Contemporary band from Milford Interdenominational Outreach. Selections from Andre Crouch’s sets include “Power in the Blood of the Lamb” and “I Just Want to Take a Little Time Right Now and Thank The Lord”. Perfect when you’re sniveling over your pet turtle that lived to be 245 years old. I was starting to wear braces then. And for an extra $10, they’ll throw in Menard’s Premium Crabgrass Preventer. There is really no logic in letting bad seed grow over your pet’s remains.

Do you want the premium? Yes, for $145 a year, Milford Funeral Solutions will call the preacher that runs the Milford Nightly Tent Meetings to perform the service while your Siamese cat is entering the Elysian Fields. And with two dozen white roses adorning the casket, you are most assuredly celebrating the life of your kitty. Milford Funeral Solutions is able to cut costs because they received them from “The Bachelor”, which was set to throw the roses in the dumpster after the show ordered too many. Fortune meeting Opportunity while marching to Zion.

Your pet deserves the best. With excellent insurance premiums that are less than renter’s insurance at Milford Condominium Golden Estates, you can set your mind at ease watching Rover or Rivets requiescat in pacem while the Doxology is being played. Come talk to the friendly staff at Milford Funeral Solutions and let your pet get a viewing and a funeral at an affordable cost so that you’re standing only when the Salvation Army Band is playing ‘Handel’s Messiah’.”

 

Thanks, Gang, for all your support, it means a lot-wait a minute, I hear somebody climbing through my window. Be right back.

 

“Just get on, Kaz.”

“My goodness, I’ve already climbed one tree. I gotta climb that dead bag of branches TOO?”

 

SHE CAME IN THROUGH THE BATHROOM WINDOW

Gil temporarily suspending “Abbey Road” on his Close ‘n’ Play

“Mimi, you could have used the front door. It was unlocked.”

 

 

 

April 6, 2020

I’ve Seen Prairie Style Windows From Both Sides Now

Filed under: baseball, Gil Thorp, Marjie Ducey, Prairie Style Windows — nedryerson @ 6:08 am

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Forecast of snow? A lot of speed? Did I just walk in on a drug deal here? Of course not. There’s no room for that kind of excitement here. What do you think this is, Mary Worth? No, it’s time for Gil to go down the roster with Marjie in a little segment we like to call Gil Goes Down The Roster With Marjie Ducey.

We just met the pitcher, Mark Godleski, who carpools with one of the outfielders, Mark Knappe (aka The Mayor), a wiseass who chugs milk and cereal from a sports bottle. This makes him interesting.

The remaining two outfielders are well known to us here at TWIM. We have Chance Macy who was stealing carries from Charlie Roh last fall, much to the chagrin of Chet Ballard. Then we have Tiki Jansen, who Chet Ballard was trying to get kicked out of Milford High for not meeting residency requirements in the summer. Wow, we had a lot of Chet Ballard face planting last year.

Always last, of course, is catcher Hiawatha James. Hiawatha James never gets a story line. We’ve seen him scoring points on the field and taking part in some locker room banter, but so far we haven’t seen him run afoul of Chet Ballard or do any of the other two or three things that bring you into the foreground of Gil Thorp “action”.

April 4, 2020

Short Seasons Mean Less Coaching

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“Winter is over.

We’re playing outside. Any-

thing is possible.”

 

Oh the irony

Of Gil’s haiku when we all

Must shelter in place

 

Meanwhile in Milford

Marjie Ducey waves her pen

Ready for roll call

 

But first a softball

Question for the Gilmeister:

Best opening day?

 

Football means the most

To Gil; it gives him more time

To play Mary Worth

 

Then a reminder:

Sometimes it snows in April

Yeah, we miss Prince too

 

April 3, 2020

He’s the mayor

Famous mayors:

  1. Harry Caray- the mayor of Rush Street
  2. Hank Sauer – the Mayor of Wrigley Field
  3. Augustus Maywho – the mayor of Whoville
  4. Ed Koch – mayor of New York City
  5. Richard J Daley – mayor of Chicago
  6. This dude

And all the other mayors were surely less of a douchbag then this guy is gonna turn out to be. Even the mayors in this strip blow.

Floor design is weird in P1. Who has floor patterns like that?

P2 – what the hell kind of question is that? Its not even a sweater. I have a similar shirt; its NOT a sweater.

I hate this guy already.

 

April 2, 2020

He’ll Have Fun, Fun, Fun ‘Til Coach Thorp Takes His Thermos Away.

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, exposition comics, freak hands, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 1:05 am

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Well, he concocted this and he concocted that for a meal now

See, he forgot to read the label and the breakfast will over-congeal now

At practice, he’ll be puking milk all over the field, wow

This won’t be fun, fun, fun, oh please drive your flukey scrap heap away

 

This You-Say-To-MAY-To-I-Say-To-MAH-To moment is brought to you by Milford Dairies. A leader in the industry because it’s not only the only dairy in the strip but it services high school teenage boys who have no life. When Knappe is not throwing 1000 balls against the wall in his bedroom to hone his fielding skills, he is in his basement chemistry lab mixing Ovaltine and 2%. Frying Egg Beaters and Borden on the Bunsen burner. Thorp sure knows how to recruit them. Makes me pine for the return of Barry Bader and that’s sounding desperate. Bader may have been a wussy and a jerk but he showed up ready to play. I coached a lot of Baders. Leave your attitude in the bleachers and give me 110% on the field, no matter what the score says. I never had to tell him to keep his Nestle’s Quik in his gym bag.

This is just screaming for a Milkman episode (remembering from Nick at Nite)

 

Sent forth on a route from TV Land

Bringing truth and justice in our hand

It’s MILK-MANNNNNN

 

“I like this plot cold.”

 

One day, on the early route in suburban Milford

“Why the long face, Nappy?”

“That’s K’NAHP-puh!!!!”

“To-MAY-to, To-MAH-to, whatever, I deliver milk, not Langenscheidt German-English Dictionaries, c’mon, Snappy, what’s the trouble?”

“I can’t mix my powdered milk and water. The plumber from Milford Plumbing Solutions shut off our water so he can install my new toilet in the basement. Yeah, it’ll be great to not have to pee in the rhododendrons out by the patio but I don’t want to eat powdered milk out of the bag. Lay’s Ruffled Bar-B-Q powdered chips just doesn’t agree with me. Betcha can’t eat just one.”

“Y’know, K’RAPP-puh-”

“K’NAPP-puh!!!!!!”

“You say Lay’s, I say Doritos, listen, one day my radiator was about to blow in my milk truck. And I had a long route and would have had to work until midnight if the Milford Dairy maintenance guy would have had to come out for repairs. Then I saw Coach Thorp watering the lawn and that gave me an idea. I asked him if I could use his hose to fill up the radiator and Gil said ‘Sure’. Boy, did THAT save the day. And Gil could still keep his fake grass green as a leprechaun. My suggestion is use that garden hose hanging off the rack in your neighbor’s driveway. Ask politely, keep your manners in your pocket and your Carnation Dry Milk in your bottle and Milford Dairies will taste comme la reverie straight out of the udder.”

“Gee, Milkman, I never thought of that. How did you get to be so wise?”

“Necessity is the mother of invention. Gil’s been inventing stories for 60 years so I’ve had plenty of practice. Lotta cold ones delivered at football and baseball scenarios and even at Mimi’s basketball practices. Sometimes her stories get stuck in the mud and I have to go on a lactose raid. But the satisfaction comes when she gets her girls through the 5-game season with still a modicum of interest AND no injuries. Milk will get the blood pumping.”

“Mmmmmm, mmmmm, Milkman, my neighbor said ‘Go for it’ and I sprayed that hose straight in the Thermos. Used a trowel to mix it up. Powdered milk never tasted any better when it comes in contact with Mother Nature. Thanks, Milkman.”

“Anytime, K’LOPP-pee”

“K’NAPP-puh!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Refuses To Let Alexa Train With Milkman On The Route!!!!!!!!! She Will Have To Seek Alternate Employment!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I ain’t gonna let him make a move on her in the cooler. I didn’t fall off the milk truck yesterday.”

 

Well, we’re dealing with 3 teen guys in a futile piece of disgrace now

That pile of useless metal should compete in a chariot race now

Backseat Boy better store his Cocoa Puffs in place now

This won’t be fun, fun, fun, ’til they tow this clunky T-Bird away

 

Gimme a break, Thorpiverse. You’re worried that Cocoa Puffs is going to file a lawsuit over copyright infringement so you drastically altered the cereal name to FROSTEE PUFFS? Isn’t that the name of a root beer? Boy, if The Mayor mixes A & W and Lucky Charms and swirls that around in a bottle, he’ll have all the nutrients covered, WE THINK. He’ll be bouncing off the wall in the back seat and then that clunker’s going to have a Mexican jumping bean to contend with. If they’re going to practice, the only logical destination for a so-called sports strip, he won’t have trouble getting his uniform dirty, he’ll be rolling all over the field. Don’t EVEN want to tag him when he comes in with a head-first slide in that souped-up engine of his. Naturally, with Thorpiverse and logic, don’t hold your breath but I wouldn’t think Thorpiverse would stoop so low that The Three Stooges would be headed to Milford Drive-In for a matinee presentation of “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes: The Year They Bomb Pearl Harbor and Milford In One Raid”. I’m thinking positive anyway.

Be that as it may, as long as Thorpiverse is over-concerned that Trix is going to take Thorpiverse to the cleaners over legal matters concerning plagiarism, might I offer a few suggestions because, well, it DOES happen. The group Chicago is a great example. Originally dubbed Chicago Transit Authority, the ACTUAL CTA threatened to sue the group if the group went on tour with a stolen name. That’s how the group became Chicago. And everyone was happy.

So let’s use our imagination and explore possibilities on other culinary ideas in a bottle our Mayor can employ when he’s riding with Rufus and Joel in a wagon Betsy SHOULD be tugging

“Hey, Guys, thanks for picking me up. And I brought a nutritious breakfast that’s the envy of the neighborhood. Yup, mix in a cup of Don’s Milk and some Plunky Charmers and I’ll be snagging line drives all practice. The Leprachaun will have to use pine tar on his bat.”

Sure to keep Dean’s Milk reps from going to court. And did you like the Lucky Charms disguise. And I didn’t say WHICH leprachaun. There’s a bunch of ’em out there. The Lucky Charms legal team wouldn’t stand a chance on the witness stand over using a leprechaun at baseball practice. Unless you named him Harold the Leprechaun, don’t even try, Lucky Charms legal team.

Okay, how ’bout another?

“Son, you’re going to be late. The sorry-ass excuse for a Chrysler 300 just pulled up.”

“Just a minute, Mom. I still have to mix Mumford Dairies 2% and some Homey Nut Cheepios. I gotta get replenished so I can give 110% at practice. Go hard or go home, I always say.”

The Milford Dairies Inc. executives don’t have a prayer. And Cheerios crying foul over copyright infringement? Time is on Thorpiverse’s side.

Okay, one more

Coach Thorp cheering on a great catch at the warning track by The Mayor

“Attaway to stay with it, Mayor!!!!!!!!! Great catch!!!!!!!!! What’d you have for breakfast?”

“I just put some Minute Mud O.J. and some Flushee Puffs and some Rice Kruddies in the blender and next thing you know, I could do a reverse slam on my driveway hoop. Snap, Krackle, Pop in my step on my way to the rack.”

“You’re DEFINITELY our left fielder if you’ll put some more Fart Loops in the blender.”

“Thanks, Coach.”

I think I’m safe from Kellogg’s or Minute Maid giving me a call and threatening legal action. And I can use “Coach” indiscriminately. Haven’t we been doing that for 60 years?

 

If ya mix some Pabst Peanut Butter ‘n’ Jelly (PPBJ) , some Buttwiper Lite, some Molar’s Natch’ral Lite and water with yore deer meat so’s ya can git up in the mornin’ refreshed fer bow-huntin’ and still don’t git in trouble with the Game Warden over copyright infringement, ya might be a redneck.

 

Sent forth to spice this plot in Mudlarkland

Bringing truth and sanity in his hand

It’s MILK-MANNNNNNNN

 

At a random stop light in Milford, Milkman and The Drag Racer from Hell side by side

“My goodness, you guys don’t look enthused going to baseball practice. I know Gil can be soporific in his coaching methods when he’s there AT ALL-”

“Oh, it’s not that, Milkman. We pray 5 times a day to Gil’s office. It’s just that it’s bad enough that The Mayor slurps that shit out of his Thermos. It sounds like Focus’s “Round Goes The Gossip” when you play it backward. But when he gets in one of those pissy moods because he has no donuts to go with his Chock Full o’ Nuts and Cinnamon Toast Crotch to slurp out of his coffee mug, it’s murder riding in this Volkswagen wannabe listening to him prate on and on about life and coffee being so unfair.”

“Gentlemen, I used to drink Eight o’ Clock Decaf and Funky Pebbles cereal to the last drop and I still wasn’t happy. I just couldn’t do my paperwork on the route with Folgers hanging over my head. I needed a yin to my yang. Then it hit me. No one dumps Count Chalk-u-la cereal on pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving. Everyone sprays Cool Whips and Chains on the holiday’s dessert du jour. So I stocked up on Milford Dairies Lo-Cal Creamer and crammed them in my fridge next to the celery stalks. Eight o’ Clock and Funky topped with a taste of Heaven makes punching in the time clock a Stairway to Heaven. Here’s a few samples. I got them out of Gil’s hair when Grecian Formula wasn’t a priority.”

“Gee, thanks, Milkman. K’NAPP-puh won’t wind up in the back seat like Hank Williams did if we’ll set the woods on fire with this Latte Creamer.”

“Latte Creamer on Folgers and General Mills in a Thermos will burn the whole forest down. Make sure you have plenty of matches and a?fire extibguisher.”

“Said and done, Milkman. Thanks again!!!!!!”

“My pleasure. Would you want me to pour some Latte Creamer in your carburetor? Sounds like this Model T could use a tune-up.”

“Anything to keep the points and plugs from missing. Can you pour some on the paint?”

“Sorry, guys, I don’t do chemicals, I do milk. Democracy can only do so much on a car once driven by Dobie Gillis”

 

MILK-MANNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“…makes the catch and that ends the inning with no damage to speak of. Whatever The Mayor had for breakfast is working here as he’s drawn a bead on everything hit his way out in left. Extra helpings of Sugar Poops in the bowl will do that. We’ll be back after these messages with the score after 5, Milford, 7, Oakwood, 2. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

 

“The baseball season is right around the corner and I can’t wait to Take Me Out to the Ball Game. And I have Harry Carey to sing to you Mudlark fans about peanuts and Crack of Jacks this year as a bonus. Harry drove a hard bargain and we’ll have to put on extra sales of World’s Finest Chocolate to afford his singing but it was worth it for the kids and the fans.

But there’s one item you’ll never have to go door-to-door to afford. Hi, this is Coach Thorp and you won’t have to stage a raffle to afford Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. Our accountants make sure we can run a sausage plant and still charge reasonable prices to our customers.

For example, doesn’t it just gall you that a Kroger or Kohl’s or K-Mart Foods has to go through a modeling agency to peddle the store’s wares? Believe me, someone who hair-sprayed like George Michael displaying Total Cereal makes me furious. No wonder why Total is more expensive than Trix.

But here at Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage, we use our own employees and we have them pose in front of our hogs before we slaughter ’em. We cut costs because we pay our employees time and a half to smile in front of the camera with Porky Pig. Porky’s swan song before he goes up the chute.

And I read an article next to the Milford Downs betting section in the Milford Enquirer that The Bucket is in trouble because General Mills filed a lawsuit over Bucket Cocoa Puffs Shake. When will The Bucket ever learn?

But here at Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage, Italian sausage is Italian sausage. We will never sneak Jimmy Dean Pure Pork Sausage over our label to fry on the griddle and eat with Frumpy Flakes. I couldn’t face Tony the Tigger. Smuggling George Jones Sausage stickers is passe on our Hot ‘n’ Spicy sausage. Be assured, Gil’s Hot ‘n’ Spicy and a bowl of Corn Chicks and a mug of Frosty Root Beer will all be the genuine article. No fake sausage or root beer will ever leave the plant and be loaded by the forklift on the semi.

And these smear campaigns by Tennessee Pride in the Milford Enquirer that say we use fillers in our sausage to bolster the product. Believe me, I will never stuff Gil Thorp Mild in Mimi’s boobs for breast enhancement. We are FDA-compliant and they have yet to ferret out Lucky Charms in our sausage. We go the whole hog, if you’ll pardon the pun.

But don’t take my word for it. Come pick up a package of Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage at your local grocer and let the flavor bust out. Good eatin’ and honest advertising makes for comforting words when Porky Pig is read his Last Rites. The way sausage is made.

Gang, you mean the world to me. But I’m hungry and I ran out of Slushee Puffs and gotta go to the store for a box or two. See ya.

 

Baseball practice is delayed cuz we’re glued in this crate now (we’re glued in this crate, now, we’re glued in this crate)

The way the plot and engine runs, we’ll be droppin’ in doubly late now (droppin’ in bubbly, he’s spilling his drink)

Softball will be sorely expunged through the twists of fate, wow (through the twists of fate, like Mimi’s fate and face)

This won’t be fun, fun, fun ’til they throw this dumb plot away (No fun, fun, fun, write this script away)

 

This won’t be fun, fun, fun…

 

Recreating Bill Cosby when he had a comedy show back in the late ’60’s, early ’70’s (NOT when he was a Huxtable, in other words) , a hilarious episode when he’s advertising for Corn Whispies

“God, I hope you do better than that Cosby character. He spilled Corn Whispies all over his son when he was pouring the product. All right, Thorp, you’re on.”

 

At the Thorp household with the camera rolling

“Daddy, I want some cereal and I ran out of Honeycomb.”

“No problem, Son. Here, have some Corn Whiskies. It’ll help you grow big and strong…”

“Cut.”

 

 

 

April 1, 2020

What’s in the Bottle? Probably a Plot Device

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, freak hands, Gil Thorp — teenchy @ 7:46 am

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Ah the heady days of a new season, when anything is possible. In the Thorpiverse, the anticipation of a coherent, realistic plot that manages to deftly incorporate sports as an integral element is always tinged with the lingering dread that Rubin will almost invariably send that plot into a death spiral away from reality in the most convoluted way possible while somehow sticking to the same tired half-dozen or so tropes about teens and adults.

But let’s not kill that buzz too soon, shall we?

Speaking of buzz, whaddaya think’s in The Mayor’s sport bottle?

a. Yogurt and OJ, chia seeds, and a raw egg

2. Vodka and OJ, to bribe Gil into giving him a starting spot on the baseball team

iii. Hand sanitizer (look how far ahead of the curve Rubin’s thinking!)

(d) Straight Everclear, to kill birds 2. and iii. with one stone

 

Talk amongst yourselves.

March 31, 2020

Les Parapluies De Milford

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, Make and Model Mystery Mobile — tdrewhardin @ 8:43 am

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I will wait forever, though this plot dragged on

Now we’re two hopeless lovers and spring sports we’ll gag on

Co-winners of our hearts and sharing trophies of love

Are but useless tools,

We’re clueless fools

Let’s shove

 

Okay, so Alexa’s mom didn’t own an umbrella store, Milford Used Parasol Shoppe, and Chris was Guy Foucher for some co-ed volleyball player in the Big Ten. But I had to find SOME way to keep myself awake to spice up the sputtering previous plot and take the baton for the present sputtering plot. What better way than “Les Parapluies de Cherbourg”(“The Umbrellas of Cherbourg”), an Academy Award nominee for Best Foreign Film and Best Musical Score? Many of you, old-timers included, have heard “I Will Wait for You” a million times, many times on Muzak, but like me, never recognized the tune until you saw the movie, as I did.

But I’d rather the plot at hand take the same flight as Guy and send both to Algeria to fight a war. The only difference is you hope this plot gets buried in The Sahara. You pray Guy returns to enjoy Alexa and a Bucket Burger.

 

Things are just getting off to a roaring start. Making payments on Archie’s jalopy? Did he have to make a down payment at Milford Scrap Iron & Metals, Inc.? And what was his collateral? Some expensive umbrellas he negotiated from Alexa? Sure, this parasol’s valuable. Used to protect The Little Old Lady from Pasadena from acid rain. And the rain never chewed through the material.

And stop throwing names at us, Thorpiverse, especially ones you stole off the Scrabble board. You must have taken home all the poker chips off of “Godleski”.

And where do we start? Stabbing in the dark couldn’t be more fun. I got my Milford Surname Pronunciation Guide which is useful but this one slipped through the cracks. God-LESS-ski? Okay, let me try it on for size

“…and God-LESS-ski sends one off the wall in center field and we have a cat loose in the alley. God-LESS-ski rounds first, on his way to second and he’ll make his way easily with a stand-up double. God-LESS-ski thought about third but the relay was a strong one and God-LESS-ski didn’t want to get his uniform dirty and mess up the lettering. He’d be tagged out by a mile and we’d have REAL problems trying to figure out his name…”

I confess I used Sean Moth, our local baseball announcer, to do the play-by-play. Hey, if the uniform was tattered and torn, I’m confident he’d pronounce Gozdlleyzcki properly, aggressive base-running or no aggressive base-running.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. To Roland Cassard: Don’t Even THINK Of Making A Move On Alexa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Dude thinks he can buy her love but there’s more to life than purchasing jewels and umbrellas.”

 

Gil Foucher to a Mudlark booster

“…l’intrigue de baseball fait le bruit de feraille, mais c’est normal…”

The baseball plot rattles but that’s normal. It appears the plot sucks no matter what language is spoken. Past or present considerations included.

 

And why is Tom Muench and GOAT-ulls-skee picking up The Mayor anyway? Since when does The Mayor of Milford ride with a couple of teenagers and perform some wheelies and doughnuts in the Milford Municipal Lot parking lot, then hit The Bucket for a Bucket Triple Decker because unlawful driving and dodging the Milford Traffic Control Officer works up an appetite?

When I was coaching Babe Ruth Baseball, part of keeping the League functional was obtaining a letter from The Mayor of our city. Hey, blessings from the top city official DEFINITELY helped our League. Parents will bring Junior’s birth certificate to the Player Agent of Babe Ruth League every time if The Mayor says it’s a legitimate show.

But I never took The Mayor to the Milford Lounge for a Schlitz. We didn’t need to get drunk and screw just for a letter of recommendation. I’ll just pick it up from your secretary, thank you.

“Yeah, I’ll clear some room in the front seat. I put my laundry in the back seat. And don’t worry, I vacuumed the floorboard. That Milford Car Wash Power Vacuum really sucked up all the cigarette butts. A couple of quarters and the bugs and coke cups in the vehicle didn’t stand a chance. 11:30? Fine, I’ll be there.”

 

Roland Cassard in Dr. Pearl’s office, sung to “Watch What Happens” (you’ve heard that one a million times too)

 

Dr. Pearl

File cabinets simply rock my world

Beehive hairdos charge me when you unfurl

I watch you store those math scores

I’m ape-shit, girl

For romance

 

Dear Roland

I am stuck in red tape with no hope

Office door is bolted by a long rope

I have to file these junior graduation claims

You dope

 

Now where’s my pen

 

Your dentures, Madame

 

 

Are you serious, Thorpiverse? My police cruiser I used to drive around in (It was, seriously, there were no door handles in the back seat so that criminals couldn’t get out, plus I got to school in 4.5 seconds with the souped-up engine those police cars employed to catch crooks) looked a lot better than this pile of manure that’s movin’ down the street. You’re going to have 2 teenagers pick up The Mayor in a car that is terribly afflicted with ferric oxide? The side panels have been snorting a sizeable amount of oxygen on that bag of bolts. Who takes a date to the prom in a Sherman tank that once fought Rommel on Normandy Beach? Eisenhower had a tough decision whether to proceed with D-Day on foggy conditions. Shoot, with that tank, I’d have sent the damn thing back across The English Channels for repairs and a wax job, let alone get in the back seat after the prom.  If General Montgomery sends that contraption up against 15 Panzers, and it gets severely damaged in combat, so be it. If I have to pick up The Mayor or my prom date because I fought Rommel’s henchmen on my own time and drive the streets of Milford in the tank’s present condition, that’s on me. Can’t blame it on Eisenhower’s decisions. Shitty vehicles with no sponsorship is Hell on the conscience.

 

If ya won 1st Prize at the Milford Auto Auction Car Show in the Category of Dilapidated But Running running away, beating out the Clampett’s wagon cuz Jethro fergot ta check the radiator ta see if it had water, ya might be a redneck

 

As the Milford & Oakwood pulls out of the station

JE T’AIME, CHRIS!!!!!!!!!! JE T’AIME, CHRIS!!!!!!!!!

“Alexa, I’m going to return. We had to take the train to New Thayer because the bus broke down.”

 

We are already inundated with possiblities for one name, now we’re scratching our heads on how to pronounce another one. Mark Twain had a field day when writing the hilarious account, “That Awful German Language”. Shovel a bunch of nouns and adjectives between the auxiliary verb and the participle and you had command of die Deutsche Sprache. So when Muench (talk about awful German) and Gutless-sky pick up Mike Knappe (I bet you can shovel that as an adverb between the verb and the participle) , we are left scrambling for the pronunciation guide once again. Get it out the Redbook rack, blow the dust off, and start conjecturing.

Having taken several courses in German, I DO know that it means “page” or “stable boy”. The youngster was commissioned to shovel the poop out of the barn when he wasn’t shoveling German definite articles. And right now, I’m going to begin with how the Germans pronounce it (stupid to ask someone from Samoa, y’think?) and that would be K’NAHP-puh (K and N run together) .

Now what Alice Kravitz is doing waiting for Guthman and Muench when she’s not spying on Darren and Samantha Stevens across the street is anybody’s guess. And we still are wondering what Mike K’NAHP-puh is doing to warrant Alice getting distracted on Samantha twitching her lips to get the cat out of the tree.

Was he sitting on the john (“Damn, where’s the toilet paper?”) ? Was he reading the sports pages (In MILFORD?) ? Is he listening to The Fibber McGee Hour on WDIG-Radio?

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!! SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Doggone it, I knew I should have cleaned out the locker-

“HONEY, Goodfellas and Munchy are here!!!!!!!!”

Click

“COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Stay tuned next week to see if Fibber fumigates his locker with Renuzit

 

My final Women’s History Month entry goes to Catherine Deneuve, the lead actress in Les Parapluies de Cherbourg. She has accomplished great things in her long career. She has acted in over 100 films and has garnered some respect along the way. She has been  nominated for 14 Cesar Awards (the French equivalent of the Oscar) , winning 2 for “The Last Metro” and “Indochina”, and nominated for an Academy Award for Best Actress for “Indochina”. She also is heavily involved in the cosmetics industry as a spokesperson and a model, being in high demand for many years. She is also involved in several charities, including UNESCO. Fluent in French (her native language) , Italian, and English, please join me in saluting a person who has soared to great heights while still keeping her feet on the ground. She is definitely the people’s choice.

 

“We’ll be back to see if Alexa dumps Chris for Roland Cassard and marries wealthy with no principles after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

At The Lake House, where Marty Moon invested part of his 401K he got from his broadcasting career (paid substantial penalties to Milford Federal for early withdrawl) , at bed time with his honey

 

Peaches, My Peach

I have something to share

Pull my shorts and it’ll all be there

You’ll enjoy the sensual spicy bill of fare

Mon cher

 

“Oh, Marty, you say the filthiest things. Let me have a look at the merchandise.”

Pulls the shorts out and looks in the Grand Canyon

 

Marty, My Sweet

There is really nothing to meet

It can barely stand on its feet

A very disappointing candy-caned treat

No heat

 

It’s limp as L’eggs

 

I pumped all day

 

“Marty, Roland Cassard may be a jerk but I bet he gets harder than the jewels he peddles at Milford Diamond Company. He’s been hitting on me ever since Chris took Alexa back and they married and vacationed in Liechtenstein.”

“Peaches, give a man a break. It’s just malnourished. One sip of Milford Protein Supplement drink and I’ll be brandishing a flagpole so hard, the Jets and the Sharks will back off.”

“Marty, I wouldn’t hang a tea bag on your outdated clothesline. Thank God, you paid 2 weeks on this resort. You still have 13 days to sweep me off my feet and take me away from Guy Foucher.”

“I’m a better mechanic than that vain piece of France. Why, he blew a customer’s engine and refused to apologize.”

“Marty, YOU ought to apologize because it DIDN’T blow.”

“Well, Guy isn’t leaving his godmother and marrying you. I’ll show the evidence that demands a verdict. I’ll drink more Nestle’s Quik Chocolate and get my thing so buzzed with sugar, you’ll think you’re getting it from a Snickers bar.”

“Marty, take these EREC-9000 Vita-Plus Extra Hold tablets or you’re going to be facing a hung jury.”

 

“Thank God Peaches looked after my own interests and bailed me out. I wouldn’t know what to do if Roland had ran off with her and left me with a diamond to rub on the scheme of things. Thank God, Milford Men’s Clinic came through and saved me from having to sell umbrellas the rest of my life. With treatment programs that work, isn’t it time you staved off Roland Cassard with a taste of his own medicine? These EREC-9000 Vita-Plus Extra Hold tablets made sure he would just be selling jewelry, not taking a jewel away from me. Come to The Milford Men’s Clinic and fight Roland with fire.”

 

Gang, you are my world. Thanks for your contributions. Please follow the Central for Disease Control guidelines so that we can keep Democracy at work.

 

If it takes forever

I will wait for you

For a thousand plotlines

I will wait for you

‘Til you’re back from practice

‘Til the last pitch comes through

 

‘Til you slam the door

And jump into my arms

 

Gil Foucher wipes his feet off the mat and enters

“Mimi, practice ran a little over and we had to look all over the dugout for someone’s keys. What’s with the singing?”

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