New Favorite

It’s been a busy week in Milford, what with the Memorial Day salute and the handshake line brawl and the frenemy teammates and the therapy, more of which should be scheduled by la familia Hernandez.

Before we dive into that, I feel like some cheers and jeers are in order for this recent run of strips:

CHEERS:

1. Gil in uniform on Memorial Day (not Henry’s fault, btw, that he wasn’t drawn in the uniform of his canonical branch of service; see his comment on that day’s strip on Gocomics)
2. Henry’s callback to last November 16th‘s strip in his June 1 strip. That should help people with short institutional memories.
3. Genuine character development among the Milford jayvee girls’ softball players.
4. Henry’s sticking to his guns in making Luke Sr. an insufferable monomaniac who will stop at nothing, including using the family of his assistant coach and destroying his relationships with his own, to gain revenge over his perceived rival for a perceived slight from decades past. This all feels like it’s gonna blow up in his face before the calendar year is through.
5. It looks like between Whigham and the color monkeys, they’ve settled on a color scheme for Valley Tech. That it’s old gold, white and black makes Valley Tech look more like Georgia Tech and – at least in the eyes of yhs – easier to hate. (This is about the only positive in the art department of late; see below.)

JEERS:

1. The continued failure to recognize that baseball and softball teams carry more than one pitcher. There’s this thing called a rotation, in which a team has multiple starting pitchers and can rest each starting pitcher for several days between starts, reducing the wear and tear on each pitcher. There’s also this thing called a bullpen, which consists of a physical location on a baseball field as well as a team’s pitchers who are not starting pitchers. Recognizing that pitching rotations and bullpens are things would reduce a lot of the implausible aspects of the strip, e.g., Gregg Hamm teaching his blind man kung fu treachery to Leo and Dorothy and only Leo and Dorothy and Pedro being “benched” in favor of The Korean Nightmare today.
2. The reintroduction of the Marty we used to know and hate. Admittedly this is a minor jeer, but I’m having a hard time grasping it in the overall context of the strip. What’s the point of Marty acting all Dishonest John snapping a pic of the Mudlark vape selling ring? Hasn’t the horse already left that barn? I just don’t know what he’s trying to accomplish her. Will he blow the lid on it and force Milford to vacate the Valley hoops title? Or is he just jealous of Luke replacing him as designated asshole? Surely he knows who butters his bread here, and if he shares it with Gil, Marjie and/or Heather, they’ll focus more on the fact that Marty’s been surreptitiously taking pictures of underage boys than on the content of those pictures.
3. While I appreciate Valley Tech being clad in pee stain yellow, there have been some notable issues with the artwork of late. I’m pretty sure the Memorial Day strip isn’t the first example of one in which Henry intended one thing and the Chief drew another, and I’m pretty sure more than one of us TWIMers have called that out. It’s a Strother Martinesque failure to communicate in the making. Whigham’s fascination with not completely drawing fences has its consequences today, as Keri’s going to get her earlobes torn off as the jagged edges snag her ginormous earrings (another Whigham fascination).

It might not be an inconsistency but it’s noteworthy that Kwan’s uniform number has changed from 5, a very rare number for a pitcher to 1, an even rarer number for a pitcher. (The only one I can think of off the top of my head is MacKenzie Gore for the Nats; others? please comment.) Between “number one” and “favorite son” I’m getting a bad Charlie Chan* vibe from this, and I hope it’s just me. At least we know that Luke has seen The Sandlot.

Just a sad day to be Pedro, and a sad song to capture the feeling.

*In the Charlie Chan films, Number One Son was played by Keye Luke. Coincidence?

Gaga for Keri

Yeah Rome wasnt built in a day either, sister. The MTG meets every other Thursday at 2 am. That way the artist can show its daylight when its really night time.

Maybe Keri meant to say “You should see the other EYE.”

I guess the point of this strip is that therapy is important to some people, even if we folks who never needed it cant understand why someone who appears normal on the outside is not feeling well on the inside. So good for her for pursuing it. Although Therapy Group is a bit generic. Most groups are more specific like AA, Overeaters Anonymous, and MADD. Guess Barajas couldnt come up with anything better, so he went generic.

Oh, I Get It, She Didn’t Cold-Cock The Madison Player With A Butter Knife.

I was having a hard time deciphering where they were the other day but as this farce was starting to come together, contradiction in terms that might be, I looked at the Mandarin Chinese on the wall and saw Dr. Pearl’s name scribbled in amongst Mao’s exhortations to the Communist Party. The detention sentence today sealed the deal on where things are going because we already know where THEY are going and it’s not that one place with the initials VM.

I liked what Frank and Hitorque pointed out, nobody, but NOBODY, gets detention for what they do or did on the athletic venue. Evidently, Thorpiverse has forgotten that high sports are, um, er, uh, extracurricular activities so participation is optional. Nobody has ever received in-school suspension for not going out for the golf team. Not that punishment isn’t in order, just who is meting out the punishment is the issue. What’s next, Dr. Pearl slapping Coach Knight on the wrist for the chair-throwing incident? Nullify his shoe contract because he cold-cocked Coach Keady with a butter knife because the Indiana-Purdue game got out of hand? Send his son, Pat, to a corner because he pistol-whipped Ed Hightower because the latter got the block/charge call wrong? Troy Lewis, a Purdue standout in the late ‘80’s, dropped Indiana as an option during his recruitment when Coach Knight used profanity in front of Lewis’ mother. Oh, I can see Dr. Pearl hot on the trail of this one

“Gil, Inma’s parents are upset because Coach Knight utilized the F-word at their dinner date. Mr. Knight will not be allowed to travel with you on your trip to Korea.”

“But we need him!!!!! This Seoul center is the second coming of Magnus Pelkowski!!!! Coach Knight even paid the tab on an interpreter!!!!!”

Then the coup-de-grace is when Tom and Jerry leave detention (we think) and come to a detente. I’m sorry, I just can’t see a cat that made a cartoon smorgasbord out of chasing a mouse suddenly get out his Bic and sign a peace treaty. Like, what, I resolve to stop pursuing you to the ends of the living room? I won’t set mouse traps by the refrigerator next to the Kraft Singles???? We’re going to get along great now that I kicked Huckleberry Hound in the crotch and showed that Madison wussy my lethal right. Match made in Heaven.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp And Luke Loser To Sign Tentative Agreement!!!!!!!!! Official Ceremony Commences At Noon Today In Milford High School Gym!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“They will agree to disagree about travel expenditures to Hokkaido.”

Then I wonder what Keri is implying while they are engaged in their little tête-à-tête under the mutant poplars

“You’re just a sniveling bitch and I’m kinda sorta glad I gave you the business back when the editor noted said brawl by that asterisk cuz I ain’t got a clue when it happened, just long after the Yalta Conference but well before the 2025 World Series. Besides, you don’t know how to put up your dukes because it might mess up your hairdo you recently received at Milford Beauty Salon. Lord knows what it might have done to your nails after you painted them the school colors. Chipped Mudlark Red just don’t look right. The point is, you’re a wussy and SOMEBODY needed to fight for you because you wouldn’t know the first thing about it.”

I’ll handle my own battles, thank you very much. Yeah, buddy.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Heartless Harper Late Fill-In To The Mixed Doubles Texas Death Match With Partner Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler And Maniac Mark Lewin!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford Coliseum will host this event scheduling The Moon Dogs & Dogettes as opponents.”

In Dr. Pearl’s office one lovely afternoon, Mountain’s “One Last Cold Kiss” playing gently from her dentures

“I’m afraid drastic measures will have to be implemented in this state of affairs, Ms. Rizk.”

“Because I said ‘damn’ in front of the students???? Try calling the Ricoh man and getting no response for a month.”

Awwwwwwww. This feel-good moment just makes me want to get up and defecate before I poop in my Levi’s. Not that I’m entirely buying into this abrupt change of heart. They were mud-slinging way back whenever the editor could recall when he was sober enough to accurately pinpoint the incident, now they’re Betty and Veronica. Oh, they’re still fighting over Archie Andrews but they’ll still hug and kiss and even put aside their food fights when playing the other team. I reckon that’s better than fighting over Jughead Jones but the way this crock of justice has been operating, I’d keep the possibilities open. It’s comforting to know that from now on whenever they step between the lines, there’ll be Hell to pay if anyone tries a pile driver on Ditzy Dotty.

Even then, I’m still skeptical. It’s pretty daggone corny to begin with, kinda like Lulu from Hee Haw overembracing That Girl and telling her that she is forgiven for remarking that Lulu eats from the same cafeteria line as Porky Pig and the rest of the ovine creatures. That Girl with a shiner from one of the sales ladies at Saks Fifth Avenue because That Girl defended Lulu and refused that sales lady’s orders for Lulu to use the service elevator as a changing room? This make take two episodes to sort out for proper length and sanity. I hope they have room for the ending when Lulu plants her lips on That Girl. Talk about cow lick.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Ditzy Dotty Defends Heartless Harper!!!!!!! Feels She Can Hold Her Own With Ole Anderson’s Daughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I’ve never seen Ms. Anderson use a catcher’s mitt to knock an opponent out and require Milford General UrgentCare.”

“Ma’am, you’ve been suspended for a week. You can report to this golf course next week.”

“Because I used ‘horse poop’ in front of the chuck wagon’s owner’s mother???? What else can I say when I blow an easy putt?”

REX ALERT!!!!!!!!! REX ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Morgan is still AWOL but his daughter (presuming) is at the equivalent of Pop’s Choklit Shoppe which I presume again is in Glenwood. I think we have finally departed the ocean liner with Fred & Wilma last seen heading towards The Everglades or something to that effect (they didn’t look to be traveling in Wyoming that I could surmise) . I pray that they do have AAA’s number in case their car gets totaled colliding into an alligator and her babies crossing the road.
Mud Mountain Murphy has also been accounted for and might spend the night at one of Truck Tyler’s time share cabin in Tennessee. You hope to God that Truck left plenty of toilet paper in the bathroom or ol’ Mud might resort to the linen closet should he have one Nick’s Diner Root Beer Float too many. Dr. Rex might not be around to pump him clean should things get down to brass tacks.
We will report Dr. Morgan’s presence as soon as we hear anything. Patience is a virtue. In the meantime, enjoy Crabgrass’s farting around trying to locate the ice cream truck. We couldn’t just get it out of the freezer as Mom Crabgrass suggested, that might put some comic strip artist out of work. Let’s have him feed his family by watching the Crabgrass kids stretch the Ice Cream Vehicle w/ An Attitude plot all summer long. Lord knows this might cut into their time to learn how to play baseball or softball.

And is that all Keri can say, Ditzy Dotty’s Faberge cologne doesn’t smell like Mud Mountain Murphy after he did a Pete Townshend rondo on “Them Muddy Boots”???? I mean, let’s not literally kiss and make up which what they’re practically doing here. Heartless Harper’s black eye can be seen from here to Valley Modified School and not even a butter knife could inflict this kind of malice on her face. She gave no quarter and looks like she got hit with the quarter section of a wombat. Oh but your Ralph Lauren Sensational Sweet Winesap is a perfume that belongs to the ages.

And don’t worry, Ditz. I have plenty of Band-Aids in the medicine cabinet.

“BTW, I know who shot Coach Shaw. My father told me when he was at the Go-Go Club at Coach Shaw’s concert.”

“Really, Ditzy Dotty? Who was it?”

“It was-“

“KERI!!!!!!!!!!! GET YOUR ASS IN THE CAR NOW!!!!!!!! YOU’RE IN BIG TROUBLE WHEN WE GET HOME!!!!!!!!!!!”

If ya hug yore partner after ya gave him a black eye over how yore gonna split the deer rub even tho ya both shot the big buck square in the eyes, ya might be a redneck.

Talk about a crock that stinks more than injustice. Mimi has been wallowing on the golf courses forever and has been a part of an undeveloped plot that is still in the rough draft stages and therefore really shouldn’t be surprised when Keri turned into Johnny Rourke and the rest of the Reckless bunch. What’s next, Keri set fire to all the papers in Dr. Pearl’s file cabinet like Rourje did in the movie? Is Jami going to date Stacy Prescott? Only Aiden Quinn can do a better job than Keri as far as being a renegade. Is she going to ride off with her dad at the end of the movie? I’ll choke if that Korean phenom does that instead.

Really, is Mimi going to get out the belt? Send her to her room without any Bucket Fries? No softball for a week? And as a couple of readers from Gil Thorp Go Comics have mentioned, Gil wasn’t in on the wrist-slapping session with Dr. Pearl this time. Did he and Rourke go back to Beth the Bartender? Oh God, no, not Reckless II: This Time Dr. Pearl is Mad and Not Just Going To Make Them Say I’m Sorry With a Smile Anymore.

My heart can’t take this.

Then there’s this advertisement I heard on the radio this week, promulgating to the world “Get hard, or you don’t pay.” No erection, no fee. What a deal. I sure hope I have my receipt somewhere in my wallet

At the Thorp household one Saturday afternoon

“BULL HOCKEY!!!!!!! I want to speak to the #%<!?*+= manager!!!!!!!! The ad said ‘No pump, no pay’!!!!!!! I couldn’t get up enough to hump a cot!!!!!!!! Somebody’s head is gonna be rollin’ before too long!!!!!!!!”

“Gil!!!!! Heehaw is taking her nap and the kids can hear you!!!! We’re trying to play Monopoly!!!! Now, Jami, how many hotels do you have on Park Place?”

“Now listen here!!!!!! I rubbed that cream all over my crotch and even under my pouches!!!!!!! Don’t tell me I might have missed a spot!!!!!! Do I look like the kind of guy that buys Preparation H and misapplies the cream to my Eustachian tubes???? What kind of an outfit do you run at Fluffmaster, Inc., anyway????”

“Mommy, he’s been cussing at the operator for about 20 minutes. Why is he so mad?”

“If he’d use those EREC-EXTRA TUF-3007 medications that I ordered from Milford Men’s Clinic, he wouldn’t be disturbing my mother by making a jackass out of himself.”

“Keri, listen here!!!!!! When Daddy spends his hard-earned money on things that are supposed to make Daddy happy, he expects to BE happy. And right now I’m pretty frickin’ upset that when I injected the serum in my back cheek, I was still flat by bedtime. When I want flat, I’ll buy some flapjacks!!!!!!”

“Gee, Keri, don’t you understand? If you buy a Barbie doll and Ken can’t go to bed because Mattel forgot to leave his wee wee screwed in, Barbie might as well tie the tubes.”

“That’s right, Jami!!!!!!!! It is only right that my manhood should be well-venerated and that flat tires belong in the junkyard, not at bedtime!!!!”

“Gil, it’s just that Heehaw needs to rest after a long day walking at Milford FWA. I don’t want her cranky when I serve her favorite dish, stewed meat loaf on a green pepper. It’s good roughage and will clean her out from here to El Segundo.”

“…and another thing. I got skin rash all over my pubic hairs!!!!! I thought you said there were no side effects!!!!!!!!”

“Mommy, what are pimples doing on Daddy’s butt? I thought you only got them on your face.”

“I’m going to give him a size 12 up his butt if he doesn’t open the door. Heehaw needs to take her Halley’s M-O so that that Betty Crocker Jalapeño Au Gratin Potatoes don’t get caught in her intestines again and we don’t have to have the EMT make her bend over so he can safely perform the Heimlich maneuver.”

“Mommy, Daddy said something about bending over but he was too rubbery to follow through. Is that what the song “Rubber Band Man” is all about?”

“Keri, Daddy will not be Gumby in bed!!!!!! Now you people at Fluffmaster said I could ride Pokey and like it or my money back!!!!!!! I can’t even get Pokey to lick the pimples off my butt!!!!!!!”

“I’m gonna get on the other line and tell that operator that if she don’t give us our money back that we’ll talk about the time the Fluffmaster CEO wrapped his legs around Grandma Heehaw for the biggest thrill of his life!!!!!!!!”

“JAMI DON’T YOU DARE!!!!!!!!! Gil!!!!!!!! Get off that phone NOW!!!!!!!!”

Heard off-stage

“And it was the Milford Gas & Electric CEO anyway.”

“I caved in and did what Mimi wanted. And did I super super energized!!!!!! WOW, Conan the Barbarian couldn’t have conquered any stronger and we’ve been ripping the bed sheets every night. If we have to go to Milford Bed & Bath to get new linens, then let The Games continue. Come get your own Gold Medal in Greco-Roman Wrestling only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Gang, I still think Heartless Harper can escape The Sleeper Hold. Maniac Mark Lewin can’t apply that to EVERYBODY, I don’t care what you say. At least that’s what Gordon Soley said today in Milford Pro Wrestling Weekly.

God bless you anyway, Gang.

“Rex!!!!!! Don’t you dare put your legs around me!!!!!! What if your wife sees you?”

“Heehaw, everybody left the ship.”

“Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because I look like the rest of you.”

So this played out kinda the way we thought it might on Saturday. Dot’s teammates threw hands in her defense (Repercussions? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?) and now remind her why. Guessing Dorothy didn’t buy Keri a milkshake at the Bucket? That tradition may have gone the way of the last pitcher to honor it.

Panel one of today’s strip – containing a 14-stripe US flag with all of its twenty-ish stars concentrated in the southeastern part of the canton, and the increasingly accepted form of the second-person plural – might lead one to believe Milford has moved below the Mason-Dixon Line. I think they still call carbonated soft drinks “pop” there so maybe I ought not jump the gun.

Weird mix of self-awareness and lack of same going on in the last panel. Unlike her shiner-wearing teammate, Dorothy recognizes that Whigham can only draw a few different facial features. She fails to recognize that it’s not her popularity that draws ire, but her behavior towards others. Making fun of someone traumatized by an active shooter drill is not TCFS, fer sher.

Post title inspired by the famous 1980s ad campaign with the same tagline. You might recognize the actress.

This Is What Happens When You Play The Joker’s Gang For A Weekend Series.

Gang, I’m cuttin’ it short today, primarily because, really, what could you say about this ridiculous plot that reached new heights in absurdity?

Not that fights don’t happen, male or female. They do. I’ve seen my share of many and hey, I’ve been fortunate to never have swung a fist but I’m human and admit I’ve let my emotions get the better of me. That’s the risk you run in sports. Sometimes you lose your cool. I’ve done my share of losing it.

But what is Gil going to do, approach the Madison coach and tell him or her “I welcome failure”? That it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game? This strip has always carried that theme as a heavy backdrop and no one is more grateful than I.

Until today.

When the shoe is on the other foot, sportsmanship and failure-welcoming get flushed down the Port-o-Let and the Mudlarks start playing Rollerball. The only thing missing in today’s strip is Inma’s spiked gloves. Sure, don’t cold-cock us when Corinna Karenna bumps one of yours out of frustration but we can BAM!!! and POW!!!!! you and the rest of The Riddler’s troops when your fists start flying. That’s only fair.

And weren’t they trying to calm Keri when someone at Milford High was getting under Keri’s skin? Or anywhere close? But by gum, they say something about my mother, I’m swinging the Hillerich & Bradsby for purposes other than the ones at the plate.

And what galls me is that Keri should have been suspended when she waylaid that girl way back when and got wrist-slapped because Daddy was in Dr. Pearl’s office with Daddy’s girl. Don’t mess with my lassie, Pearl. Just make her do 100 sentences “I will not body-slam my enemy in the hallway” and call it a deal. And don’t you dare send her to Valley Modified where Butter Knife Boy a/k/a Mike Knappe is languishing in his Liberal Arts curriculum. That’s another can of worms we stashed away in your file cabinet, remember? It’s our little secret.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Dr. Pearl Really Lays Down The Law, Imposes Serious Consequences Concerning Recent Fracas!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford High spokesperson: ‘There will be several Mudlark Softball players who will assist Mr. Dr. Pearl in raking the grass this Saturday as a community project.’”

Gang, I’m ending this by remembering on Memorial Day the ones who paid The Ultimate Price for our country. Sometimes Freedom isn’t for free and these people can attest to that. Please take a Moment of Silence to bear in mind those that made the sacrifice so that Red White & Blue could fly proudly.

I would like to take the time to remember three Gentlemen very dear to my heart

Gabriel Feltner, Jr., my stepfather, who served in World War II in the U.S. Navy as part of the Pacific Theater. He saw intense combat, equivalent to two Iwo Jima’s. He received a VERY generous GI Bill package when he received his discharge.

Leonard Thomas Hardin, my grandfather, who served in World War I as a Cook and served in Europe, primarily France. He was at the ready 24/7 to defend our country and also keep Europe safe for Democracy.

John Lewis Hill, Sr., my grandfather, who served in the Civilian Conservation Corps. He wanted BADLY to enlist but was told his engineering skills were more needed. He oversaw the design and manufacture of heavy equipment such as tanks, airplanes, jeeps, artillery, etc.

Gang, where you can, take the time each day to thank a Veteran. I personally try to shake the hand of one Veteran a day but however you feel comfortable to do so is fine. BUT PLEASE DO IT. They need and deserve your support.

Lest we forget

God bless you all, Gang.

Doin’ the Bump, Not the Madison

The fun never ends in Milford as The Hammmmer’s blind magic rubs off on another Mudlark hurler. No-hitters aren’t that uncommon in high school sports given the frequent talent disparities across teams, but it’s a little surprising that a girl whose making the team came as a bit of a surprise* throws one in, what, her second or third start? Madison must really suck this year.

The Capitols’ suckiness extends to their sportsmanship as well. The sports world is full of egregious examples of fights breaking out during postgame handshakes; Juwan Howard v. Wisconsin (speaking of Madison) is only one in a long line. I’m not inserting any here but you can go to YouTube and take your pick. What set Big Barda off here? Was it that Dorothy didn’t take her glove off to high-five right-handed? Does it really matter if you’re high-fiving and not shaking hands?

What should be interesting (that is, should be interesting but will probably be disappointing) is the response to Big Barda’s elbow to the back. Dorothy has already turned the other cheek, but will her catcher – who previously threw hands at her – start throwing hands in her defense?

*Note that both Dot’s making the team and hurling the no-no both elicit one-word responses from Keri.

Whoosh! There it is!

And the zaniness continues as we learn one can pitch with his eyes closed and still throw strikes. Proves that Milford MVP is someone who isnt even on the team anymore. Gil, thats another shot at your non-coaching of all things Milford.

P2 the very teacher of blind pitching intimates that pitching with ones eyes closed is not recommended by most doctors, and can have some nasty side effects, such as hit batters, ejection from said game, and possible suspension from team/league.

P3 Tobias proves that ballet lessons and baseball are seamlessly connected. Do one, get good at the other.

JPS* *Just Plain Sucks

Gee, I didn’t know what HBP meant until Thorpiverse was gracious enough to spell it out for the ignorant masses like myself. The baseball cognoscenti really have it made in the shade. Thank you for enlightening us because I personally thought it stood for Hamm’s a Big Problem.

Now that I’ve used Primal Scream Therapy to shake all the sarcasm out of my person, what was the purpose of listing an interpretation of this term in the first place? Okay, yeah, there’s no doubt there is somebody who has no clue what HBP means. Well and good. But this is a SPORTS strip (sometimes in name only) and the vast majority who read it are knowledgeable about sports and HBP is a “See Spot Run” concept to them. And the people who don’t know, well, the computer has opened up a world of information, thanks mainly to the Internet. You can look it up, as the famous saying goes.

I appreciate the gesture as the explanation is one of convenience and will help SOMEBODY unfamiliar with the term. What makes it somewhat hard to swallow is the context surrounding it. You’re getting Romper Room explanations in plots more byzantine than all those rooms in Umberto Eco’s “The Name of the Rose”. Gil might appear out of room #538 in your friendly neighborhood cathedral with a Sesame Street book explaining logarithms. Okay, kiddies, this book has nothing to do with logs anymore than dogmatic has anything to do with dogs. Don’t get Galileo’s Dogma and Lassie confused.

Then there’s the bombastic narration that’s making this patronizing tripe even worse. I took the privilege to take baseball for granted???? Huhhhhhhh?????? I can decipher James Russell Lowell prose better than this piece of doggerel flashing across the screen. If I wanted Milford characters to wax poetic, I would have checked out plenty of Nathaniel Hawthorne novelettes at the Milford Library Bookmobile that stops in front of Milford Foundry every Tuesday. Do not go gently into my catcher’s mitt. Throw where last Mimi’s ailanthus tree by the garage door bloomed. Oh, this is out of the cradle slowly a crock, no question. Gil is singing a song of himself because he’s full of what I can’t spell and it rhymes with mitt. And it isn’t spit but like hand grenades and horseshoes, close enough.

Gang, bear with me, I just found out a few moments ago that my great-nephew and his 4 x 800 Relay team in High School Boys Track qualified for State. I am obviously one proud great-uncle. But you know what? I couldn’t have done it without the support you have given me over the years. YOU make it happen. It’s YOUR victory as well as mine. Without your encouragement and advice, This Week in Milford ceases to exist. YOU are the reason we are here. I NEVER take any of you for granted. God bless you all.

Frank’s contributions are NEVER taken for granted also, especially his take on Crankshaft. Talk about horsing around while Rome is burning. This week just cranks it up to another ludicrous notch. At the beginning of the week, he’s got to go to the bathroom but has nothing to read when sitting on the john. Okay, I get it, we’ve all been there. But HOW LONG is he going to debate this issue because by my count, he’s pissing in his boxers looking for a stray Reader’s Digest. Is he going to go full poop on Saturday, lacking even a Popular Mechanics to draw from?

“Oh no, we potty train our dogs. That’s not their urine. Ol’ Cranky didn’t receive his mail-order ESPN magazine in time. The postal station manager said the computers were down.”

Then I started thinking. You KNOW Gil isn’t immune from these situations. I have an evil streak in me. Heh heh HEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHH

“Mimi!!!!!!!! I have to take a dump badddddd!!!!!! Where’s my Sports Illustrated????”

“Did you check the laundry room????”

“Why the #%*^+ would I look there???? How’d they get there????”

“Oh, I forgot to tell you. The cat pooped again and the kids didn’t change out the litter box because of the school play. And all the towels were in the wash.”

“That’s *+=#% swell!!!!! Now what am I going to do????”

“Here, my Better Homes & Garden has a lemon cake recipe written by Bob Knight. Enjoy.”

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Crankshaft Airlifted To Milford General After Tumultuous Event!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Mr. Crankshaft lost his Mud Mountain Murphy program and started experiencing bowel movement complications on his way to the stall.”

Gang, you Thorpiversean veterans surely remember when the radio (usually) announcer’s comments would show up neatly in a nice caption box in a corner. Berrill was way ahead of his time. That’s why I laugh every daggone time I see the “Play-By-Play By Zeus” commentary bursting in on the action. Who’s giving the descriptions next week, Thor???? I remember the well-respected Tom Sowell once talking about the time he taught at Howard University and some student said that he couldn’t understand why he flunked the exam. He studied for two hours. Sowell said he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry and proceeded to tell him that he spent two hours just prepping for lectures. Point well-taken. Anyway, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry when I see the caption balloon dangling from the panel edge. Like it’s hanging by a thread, anchored by the Goodyear Blimp. Is this another one of Charlie Brown’s kites that got tangled up by the foul pole? I can see it now

“Gil!!!!!! Get those Prince Valiant thought balloons away from Heehaw’s bed!!!! I’ll not have her watching him undress Mary Worth in his dreams!!!!”

Or

“Mr. Dr. Pearl!!!!!! Get your mind out of the gutter!!!!! My bridge club members can see what we do when we’re on vacation in our Winnebago!!!!!!”

Or

“Oh God, Francesca!!!!! Not when I’m eating my Chile con Arroz Sumergido en El Agua y La Cerveza!!!! Can’t you think about your surgery presentations another time?”

Who says this has to be confined to America?

“[Lim Tak-Shi!!!!!! He is just an exchange student!!!!! You can dream all you want of his pitching in Fenway but I paid for the textbooks, remember?]”

And last and certainly least, Coach Thorp, how many batters are you going to let Blind Man’s Rough plunk before you yank him for a pitcher that did get his eyes checked recently? No way did Coach Sparrow EVER go that far when some pitcher could find the batter’s helmets better than the strike zone when my nephew played ball. Lost pitchers and lost caption balloons, never a dull moment when Thorpiverse is on the mound.

At Milford FWA picnic grounds

“Mimi, I gotta pee pee bad!!!!!! Where’s the outhouse????”

“Gil, you’re out in Mother Nature. It’s one big toilet.”

“But I understand the outhouse has Penthouse next to the extra rolls of Bounty!!!!!!”

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Heehaw In Fair Condition!!!!!!!! Will Be Transferred Out Of ICU This Week!!!!!!!”

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“Milford Adult Care spokesperson: ‘She was obviously rattled when the hallway restroom lacked the necessary resources for perusing while relieving oneself. We put in a maintenance order for a magazine rack yesterday.’”

P2 is making absolutely no sense whatsoever. We went from knocking them on their butts in P1 to a bad Kodak Moment in the next panel. Let me assure you that when Coach Sparrow went out to the mound his first question wouldn’t have been “Was your dad a plagiarist? Because you’ve plunked half the lineup and you’re not finding the strike zone.” Then what would be the point of apologizing that your dad was Pretty Boy Floyd when your pitching is suckin’ pretty bad?

Again, no Coach worth his weight in Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Breakfast Blend would allow his pitching staff to send the majority of the other team’s batters to Milford Minor Emergency Care Clinic because a couple of the pitchers were cousins of Stevie Wonder. Then continue this inanity by asking if his dad is running around on his mom? Oh, that’ll explain why your Valley Conference ERA ballooned in the month of May. Ward Cleaver had those urges for Aunt Bea and therefore Beaver suddenly sucks at throwing a curve to complement his fastball. That makes sense.

Well, you better get your act together because Luke Loser just went overseas to recruit a mega-talent who evidently has a dad who only drops his Haggars at night for the one to which he said “I do” at the Seoul Justice of the Peace. You can’t afford to let your hair down. Or your ethics. Don’t be Luke only without the fetid goatee.

Yes, I realize family problems can affect a kid’s game. But let’s not make this a ridiculous soap opera. There’s a kid carrying some excess baggage and then there’s the Bronx Zoo. At least, I HOPE George Steinbrenner didn’t get to be a millionaire plagiarizing Ellery Queen magazines.

At Dr. Pearl’s domicile

“Honey Britches Sugar Lumpee Lumps Bumpee Bumps Tricky Ricky Icky Sicky Stinky Fink Lilac Lover, have you seen the National Geographic’s? I have diarrhea in the worst possible manner that plagues all mankind.”

“Look under the Breeze towels in the closet.”

If ya refuse ta do Nature’s duty at the FWA spider-web-infested outhouse without a copy of Guns & Ammo that’ll retro at least back to 2016, ya might be a redneck.

P2 also slightly reminds me of a Night Gallery painting. “The Messiah on Mott Street” comes to mind. This kid lives with his grandfather (played by the great Edward G. Robinson) who is dying to the point where he has one foot in the grave. This kid runs into a congenial black man (played by Yaphet Kotto-“Mr. Big” in the James Bond classic “Live and Let Die”.) of whom he manages to bring back to this old man’s flat. Somehow, this man manages to summon a great wind and eventually the old man not only recovers extremely well, to the consternation of his doctor, but obtains solid financial footing thanks to a resettled old debt.

Were reality and fantasy to dance as adeptly in the world of Thorpiverse. But alas, reality got splatted like a bug by Jumpstart and fantasy went the way of Alfred Hitchcock’s monthly detective series that Crankshaft is currently reading after snaring it and still making it to the john before ol’ Cranky splatted all over the commode. I wouldn’t want Jumpstart using an old newspaper rag on Cranky’s crud.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Foundry And Local 814 Reaches Agreement!!!!! Contract Ratified, Ending Potential Strike!!!!!!!”

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“Reading material was the linchpin. Management agreed to foot the bill for bathroom amenities in addition to contributing an extra .25/years of service to pension fund.”

Now let me get this straight. According to P3, the moral of this story is to hope to God your kismet is not in the hands of a father who wrote like John Updike because he wrote John Updike so that you don’t wind up like Ray Charles as a result but if discretion is the better part of valor, pitch as if Dutch Rennert was behind home plate because he’s consistent and be thankful because this may be the last time Dutch umpires because he may get a stroke and share the same bedroom with Heehaw and you may go blind and crazy when Homer the Umpire calls the balls and strikes behind home plate and you may be pitching your last if he doesn’t call the corners. I don’t know about you, but Aesop couldn’t sum it up any better.

Oh, and read Our Daily Bread so that a tornado can come in and raise Heehaw from the dead. You can’t overlook any detail.

REX ALERT!!!!!!!! REX ALERT!!!!!!!!!

Fred & Wilma have departed from Glenwood Across The Universe Tourlines and are momentarily comforted that Jack the Ripper was not in their trunk after Jack escaped the brig. How he escaped is another ridiculous narration for another time, although witnesses could have sworn some stranger with a hoodie was on his knees pleading with Mud Mountain Murphy for pocket change to indulge in tomato soup and crackers at the Glenwood Cruise Snack Bar & Grille. Plus a life preserver in case he needed to jump from the ship again. Mud wasn’t going to give back his old songs but did have a Truck Tyler 5 x 8 available. Truck and Rex must be at the same casino because neither has emerged since Clinton balanced the budget.

Sources have alleged that Rex was hiding in the bushes near the backstop and learning how a blind man can teach high school athletes how to throw on a dime. Rex was seen taking notes, then leaving in the direction of The Bucket. No word if he pulled into the drive-in area. Anybody who notices a Glenwood vanity plate is asked to call the Milford Police Tipline immediately. Your call will be confidential.

“Doesn’t all this Rex-searching make you hungry? I was reading where Mud Mountain Murphy was considering getting a vasectomy and that just got the juices flowing in my salivary glands. I didn’t want to leave my refrigerator devoid of the finest sausage east of the Allegheny Mountains when poring over the surgical procedures necessary to tie ol’ Mud’s tubes. I’ll bet Tennessee Pride wouldn’t know the first thing to catering a smorgasbord when ol’ Mud goes under the knife.

Hello, this is Coach Thorp for Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. Sometimes we get bored and so the excitement of watching Fred & Wilma traveling on the Florida Turnpike and then turning in at the end of the day at a sleazy motel abutting an alligator pit just brings out the finest in our pork products. Just listening to that bacon sizzle and crackle while John Walsh talks about the supposed whereabouts of Dr. Rex in the same venue as the Foque Monster is a match made in Heaven. Believe me, Gil Thorp Italian Spiced Duodenum Sensitive Bacon Strips is the perfect cuisine along with your favorite Kool-Aid when the Glenwood Missing Persons Bureau personnel track the woods in their quest to flag down this enigma wrapped in some raccoon hides because he is tired of raising bratty little snots. Man, the aroma.

But that doesn’t mean that Fred & Wilma are on the run. They know how to slide their Visa card if they want to enjoy the benefits of the motel towels they’ll stuff in the trunk at check-out time. And kibbutzing all this paraphernalia when you are microwaving Gil Thorp Sage ‘n’ Nasty patties is a wonderful combination, like throwing pepperoni on onions when ordering Domino’s delivery. Wash it down with a Schlitz and watching Fred battle his manhood as he goes under the sheets with Wilma or the mice is a meal extravaganza.

And if you really want to be in total ecstasy, check out Truck trying to hit on Melba after he just ordered the omelet. Hey, I like watching Crankshaft utilize his gold digger he uses in his yard because he’s too cheap to use his pocket changer but it’s even more entertaining when Cranky is literally full of poop endeavoring to read Chairman Mao’s Red Book while wiping his extremities and chowing on some Gil Thorp Pure Artesian Water Mild Sausage with scrambled eggs, toast, and a Bud. I’d like to see Tennessee Pride try to top that life-learning lesson. They can’t. They’re too busy coughing up enough to tip Melba at The Diner. I bet Truck Tyler is their accountant.

Folks, when you want the finest in sausage, you know where to go when you grow up. You can lick up the pieces Tennessee Pride loses when loading the box truck or you can score a winner with Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. I can tell you, we never received a citation for littering. Come pick ip a package today and see why. Your taste buds will be grateful and so will you.”

Gang, Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know which one is going to buzz by you when you’re blindfolded. I don’t know, I never wanted to find out.

God bless you anyway, Gang.

In the faculty lounge restroom

“Who brought all these Encyclopedia Brittanicas in here? There’s a bunch stacked by the hand blower.”

“Couldn’t be Kaz. He left a few months ago.”