This Week in Milford

October 25, 2021

Well, Since You Scored That Nifty Pen Light

Filed under: Milford Idiots, Prairie Style Windows — nedryerson @ 6:04 am

That’s right, Right Guard Tommy Serrano is NOT ready to move along. He wants to get into the hypnotism action since YouTube certified hypnotherapist Boyd Spiller has a penlight and no waiting. He using one of Gil Thorp’s (the comic strip) four thousand remaining time outs the prolong this digression. It’s is a digression, right? There won’t really be a payoff to this silly exercise, will there? Wait, did I just see a turkey?

Right Guard Tommy Serrano is willing to take a seat in the hypnochair because he’s been having confusion about his blocking assignment. Hmm, I wonder what formations Gil runs his Wing T out of and if any of them would be compatible with a jet sweep. I’m not going to opine about it because I will probably make a fool of myself since I lack the football strategy acumen of say, your Heather Burns type. Maybe she will tweet about it to help explain it or maybe she’ll tweet about Boyd and Tevin doing the funky chicken in the huddle after Boyd Spiller’s hypnotism goes horribly wrong.

October 23, 2021

“I love the Delaware Wing-T. It is much better than ‘Cats.’ I’m going to run it again and again.”

Spiller invites Claxton to his place over to get hyp-mo-tized to fix a nonexistent problem. Teammates Serrano and Achebe come along for moral support, or material witness, or something.

Spiller brings Claxton out of his hypmotic state. Claxton is rested and ready. Satisfied with his results, Spiller is ready to leave. Can you imagine being so boring that you forget you’re in your own house?

Maybe Serrano will remind him, after raising the Whigham-required gratuitous finger. (Someone forgot to tell Serrano the correct phrase in Milford is “Ease up,” not “Hold up.”) What could be so crucial that Serrano needs to drag out this charade? Did Spiller forget to give Claxton a trigger word?

What word might that be? Have at it in the comments, gentle readers. Post title inspiration below.

October 22, 2021

This plot is sleep-inducing

Filed under: ?, Milford Idiots — robmize2013 @ 7:28 pm

Oh Boyd you hypnotist you. I have no idea how Tevin will be a better running back after this. Most likely he will be temporarily blinded by all that light.

I actually had to look at a light like that when I had LASIK surgery 20 years ago. It was to help keep my focus straight ahead and not move my pupil while my cornea was being reshaped by the light. I’m sure this experiment will not produce that kind of result. But we wont find out til tomorrow or the next game, whichever comes first. Also Boyd may take all the credit if Tevin plays better or doesnt fumble. Talk about fixing what aint broke.

October 21, 2021

Dead Men See Many Pentagons.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 10:46 am

I may have mentioned this Night Gallery episode before but considering what we’re faced with at this juncture, it worth’s repeating. The episode was called “The Dead Man” and this professor uses hypnosis to render a person dead. Then he is able to bring that person back from the dead through this incantation from tapping, say, on a table that works like a combination on a lock. Then one day, he forgets the combination and the person is left dead. And they have to bury him, to add insult to injury.

There’s more to the story but for now it’s a way to illustrate the absurdity that continues and is like that flat tire that gets more annoying to listen to until you pull into the station to get it fixed. That’s right, Tevin, when you rise from the grave, you’ll be a touchdown machine. You may have trouble with the football being shaped like The Pentagon but we’ll sort through the details later. Right now, meet me by the graveyard this evening so that we can stay on a roll.

“And when you wake up from your deathly slumber, you will be the next Joe Montana.”

Tap tap tap

Tap tap

Tap

“OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE’S TURNED INTO GIL THORP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Wait a minute. Serrano, where’d you put the manual?”

Well, we know that Beaver knows how to draw circles with that silly flashlight he’s driving into the head of Count Dracula. It certainly stays within the theme, i.e., killing them so that when they awaken in 1000 years, they will ALWAYS look everything in the tuck. Gil should still be around by then. Tevin this point literally has egg on his face so this better be good. No sense in Tevin leading the Valley Conference in offense if he’s toting this great big dot on his forehead that is a symbol for some religious cult in a lowdown neighborhood in Milford.

And is that Tevin’s hand in P1? Or is he munching on a gargantuous Lay’s Potato Chip while he is drifting off to death? I am confident he is no doubt laying his hand on his chest (fingers crossed) to relax himself but there’s too many ridges on the Lay’s Sour Cream that’s muddying this whole hypnotic falderol. Here, Tevin, take the whole bag while you’re crossing the River Charon. You want some salsa dip?

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Rejects Services Of Milford Hypnotic Society As Championship Adult Flag Football League Championship Approaches.”

sub headline

“I ain’t literally goin’ to Hell and back just to get a ring.”

Dr. Pearl in her office one day, Derek & The Dominos softly playing “Bell Bottom Blues” on her 1939 Victrola

“Excuse me, Dr. Pearl, may I speak with you a second?

PRINCIPAL EK!!!!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE????”

“I was able to get through to Beaver. Two taps on the Strawberry Nehi bottle and I stepped out of the casket.”

Serrano obviously isn’t helping but at least he’s honestly stupid. Beaver is putting on a clinic to that end and he isn’t really trying. What is Serrano doing at this session anyway? Would you have Gilligan step into the hut if The Professor was trying to hypnotize The Skipper into finding a way off the island?

“And where can we locate help to help us off this deserted island?”

“I see a place. It has transmission equipment that can communicate with us. It’s at–“

“Skipper, I did your laundry. I had to go to the end of the lagoon to scrub your Fruit of the Looms.”

“Oh, Gilligan. I’ve been at this for hours.”

And it’s interesting that Beaver is saying “Get down!!!!! Shut up!!!!!!!” to Serrano like Lieutenant Dan said to Forrest Gump. Beaver, don’t go through the jungles of Vietnam and expect to defeat the Viet Cong with Serrano at your side if he’s going to pop in at the wrong time. You’ll be coming close to their camp when Serrano blurts out “That one looks like my grandmother in the face!!!!!!!!” Not too many battles get won that way. My goodness, Beaver, leave your dog at home if you don’t want him getting shot at Da Nang.

But that’s Beaver for you. It’s like General Patton bringing his family along to watch him fight the Afrika Korps. And the First Battle of Bull Run was famous for all the people who treated this as a picnic and eventually learned the cruel reality of war and were running along with the retreating soldiers. Serrano and Beaver would be riding on the back of the Nick’s Pizza truck to safety.

If yore President of th’ ‘Nited States and tha Se-krit Service has ta guard tha outhouse when yore takin’ a royal dump, ya might be a redneck.

Why are these pentagons and hexagons flying around? If Gil burps from too much Canada Dry, is it going to get manifested in the way of triangles????? When Mimi digs into a can of pork and beans, is she going to fart a bunch of trapezoids????

“Whew!!!!! Dr. Pearl, what’d you have for lunch?”

“Do you not see the nonagons floating in the air?”

Any of you old-timers will remember The Lawrence Welk Show where he played his theme somg (if you haven’t heard it, give it a chance, it will stick in your head forever like it’s done in mine, trust me) and some bubble machine would produce all these bubbles, especially while he was conducting his orchestra. I couldn’t imagine his dancing troupe performing to “Yellow Rose of Texas” while these bubbly parallelograms are flying all over the stage. His singing octet churning out “Rose Garden” with these rhombi circling the wagons. But that’s me talking.

If you want easy geometry lessons, keep reading.

“Be the principal, be the principal…”

“Do you still need those Athletic Bus Drivers Reports-2015?”

“Coach, can’t it wait? I’m in the middle of something.”

As I promised, there was more to the story. The patient being snapped dead, who was also a handsome stud, had a thing for the professor’s wife. It was somewhat interfering with the experimenting. It came to a head when the professor forgets the combination, perhaps because he is fiercely jealous and allows the jealousy to overlap with the process at hand. Again, they had to bury this poor stud. Then one day, a colleague of his is able to help him do the correct tapping procedures, much to the horror of his wife. I’ll let you take it from there.

And I can only imagine Tevin having a thing for Mimi and Beaver tapping on Gil’s desk x amount of times to motivate Tevin to play better football and to not play with fire in the Thorp household. Like, what’s Gil going to do, have Beaver NOT tap with his Boy Scout flashlight the correct combination just so Tevin doesn’t sleep under the sheets with Mimi? We’d have an interesting plot, for once, but a casualty in exchange. How many football players are we going to send to the graveyard in the name of spicy storylines? We WON’T have a Gil strip because Gil will run out of players. Let’s not let Tevin be the sacrificial lamb and leave it at that.

And I love all the buzz words Beaver is dumping on Tevin. That’s right, after I’ve tapped my football helmet on the tackling dummy 3 times, you’ll get going when the going gets tough, you’ll be a Man of Steel, you’ll eat pressure for breakfast, heck, they’ll run a special on it down at The Diner, 2 eggs, slice of bacon, toast, juice, pressure, butter extra, for $8.79. And you’ll run off with Mimi after the Goshen game. We wouldn’t want this plot to get watered down with a bunch of cliches. Gotta keep it real.

And after Gil makes Tevin run 50 laps for making a move on his wife even though he bludgeoned the Valley opponent with his running and passing skills, we will move onto greener pastures. Okay, Tevin didn’t stay dead but we’re on a roll of stinky plots and I’d rather keep the streak alive.

“And that’ll wrap things up as the gun goes off with Milford pummeling Madison, 51-10. Tevin just went hog-wild out there. I’ll have all the stats and analysis in a moment. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Boy, that Tevin sure can run, can’t he? He was The Franchise that night, for sure. I’m still keeping my shotgun under the bed. I don’t care how many times Beaver Butthead taps that spoon on the Trix box, I’ll shoot Tevin full of buckshot, dead or alive. I only have one wife even if she continually beats me at Yahtzee.

But I didn’t come to talk about how many times I’ve kicked the cat when Mimi beats me at Sorry! Hi, this is Coach Thorp speaking on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse and does The Warehouse have an exciting promotion for you. Our “Be The Bottle” campaign is well underway and the customers keep coming back for more.

And why not? With a purchase of Maker’s Mark 46 Premium Whiskey for what you would pay if you splurged on Milton Bradley, you will get a free motivational tape that encourages you to Be The Bottle. Shoot, we’ve had more customers say it gave them that extra stimulus to purchase more items at The Warehouse. That’s the idea. And if you buy Large Super-Sized bag of Chee-tos, we’ll throw in an extra motivational tape “Be Chester Cheetah”. Man, hearing that mantra over and over will make me buy plenty of Extra Cheesy Chee-tos when it’s all said and done.

But we ain’t stoppin’ there, nosireee. Do you think I’d use a water pistol on Tevin if I caught him in bed with Mimi? No, we’re gonna complete the deal and what better way than with every purchase of Busch Light in the 30-Pack, you will get a free inspirational message, “Be The Mountain”. That’s right, I just kick back in my lawn chair and listen on my headphones somebody repeating “Be Pike’s Peak-BUSCHHHHHHH, Be Pike’s Peak-BUSCHHHHHHHHH” and I savor the Busch as if I was in Xanadu drink the Milk of Paradise. With some pork rinds, Xanadu improved upon its product.

And we’re not leaving the wine-and-cheese crowd out of this one. With every purchase of your favorite Merlot or Sauvignon, you will get a free cassette to stick in your car player “Be Menage a Trois Red du Vin dans les Montaignes Plein des Arbres et L’Eau Fraiche, Be Menage a Trois Red du Vin dans les Montaignes Plein des Arbres et L’Eau Fraiche…”. I never understood Pig Latin so I might have trouble comprehending the message while I’m munching on Chee-tos, but hey, different strokes for different folks.

Come in and seek yout own motivation. And as a bonus, if you take advantage of our deals before this Friday, you’ll get a motivational tape from yours truly. Don’t you want to sip on a Bud and let “Be Gil Thorp, Be Gil Thorp…” sink in? You can get that and much more only at Milford Beverage Warehouse and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, relax. Tevin will rise up from the dead. Glad something is around here. God bless you, Gang.

October 20, 2021

You Can’t Make Chicken Salad Out Of Boyd Spiller

We’re deep in “teenagers are dumb and do dumb things” territory so I guess we have no choice but to suspend disbelief and see how this unfolds. Why Tevin feels the need to not only tolerate Boyd’s taunts but also encourage his schemes to fix a problem that doesn’t exist is beyond me.

What exactly is the goal of Spiller’s hypnosis? To get Tevin to tuck the ball and run whenever he sees an open receiver? Or to see nothing, thanks to the retinal damage done by staring at Boyd’s MagLite? Better to squawk like a chicken than squeal like a pig, which is what I think Boyd’s teammates are gonna do to him after this little parlor trick backfires.

Pantheon of Hair tag today for Tevin, whose ‘do is starting to reach Esquerita heights. Don’t know who Esquerita was? Time to find out!

October 19, 2021

Be The Football, Be The Football…

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:40 pm

Since this is getting more asinine with each waking moment, I might as well bring in one of my favorite comedies, King of Queens. Doug Heffernan (played by Kevin James) is in an episode where his wife, Carrie Heffernan (played by Leah Rimini) whups his butt in table tennis and Doug takes it as an attack on his manhood. So he reluctantly turns to his father-in-law, Arthur Spooner (played by Jerry Stiller, excellent veteran actor-comedian-yes, the father of Ben Stiller) . Doug is constantly at odds with him, especially because Arthur lives under their roof, but is willing to swallow his ego after Doug learns that Arthur was once a champion ping pong player.

So Arthur has Doug practicing hitting ping pong ball volleys with Carrie’s cooking spoons because Arthur reasons the “paddle with feel like the size of Texas”. And after a couple of smashes, the silly comparison rings true. Then Arthur has Doug listening to these motivational tapes with Arthur repeating over and over “Be the paddle, be the paddle”.

Isn’t that essentially what Boyd is doing with Tevin???? Not that Boyd has really contributed to the team, he jacks his jaw more than do any blocking. But you know Thorpiverse, those that know the least and do the least exhibit the fruits of their labor like Thor with no lightning bolt. Oh, it’ll make a crashing sound but nobody got struck. And the part where Arthur threatens to make Doug run 10 laps for insubordination, Doug responds with “Naw, I ain’t running around the ping pong table again”. What’s Boyd going to do if this fails, make Tevin run around Gil’s desk?

In bed one night at the Thorp household

“DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG HERE????”

“Gil what are you talking about?”

“Well, you’re dominating everything, your volleyball team, now sex in bed, it’s official!!!!!! I am the woman!!!!!!!!!!”

“Gil, are you still mad at me for beating you in Monopoly?”

So THAT’S Tevin’s problem. I was wondering why he was fumbling the football for no reason, he simply wasn’t under a spell caused by strong suggestion. And what better person to underwrite Tevin’s Excellent Adventure than to put him to sleep and put some earphones on his head and somebody whisper “Don’t be the fumbler” beaucoup times. Well, heck, Coach Thorp isn’t even coaching so why would you expect him to put you under sedation so that you can score 8 TD’s next game?

We have wasted about a month and a half getting to know Boyd Spiller and he just fails at every juncture. He couldn’t lead a pep rally full of kindergartners so why are we anticipating any success with an amateur hypnotist and that’s being generous. He no doubt read the ad on the back of his Richie Rich comic and took “Yes, you too can be a master hypnotist”. And naturally, his first guinea pig is Tevin. Did anyone REALLY expect Heather to be under hypnosis?

“You will stop being a classless boor. You will quit bossing people around when you couldn’t take orders yourself. When you wake up, you will go back to the Girls Soccer coach and say you’re sorry.”

Stay tuned.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Called Out For Practicing With A Dead Pig And Running Around Tackling Dummy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“The football will feel like a Nerfball after I’ve run 30 laps.”

What difference does it make whether he saw it on TV or he saw it on YouTube? If we’re going with Beaver’s logic, as long it’s on YouTube, Jerry Lawler bludgeoning Freezer Thompson in a Stooge Cage Match and throwing him around like Raggedy Ann and slamming his visage in the turnbuckle for good measure so he resembles Marty Moon using cooking spoons to shave his goatee is all legitimate unless we watch it on ESPN-Pro Wrestling Deluxe, then it’s fake.

Don’t watch Rachel Ray cook tuna casserole sauteed with green onions and cumin rounded out with Sauvignon Avec Cerises Flambe on The Cooking Channel, Milford Valley could have smuggled in cheap imitations from the wine list at The Diner and the noodles could be a doughnut strips-Star-Kist tuna melange. You know some of these cooks will do anything for ratings.

And the 1975 World Series where Carlton Fisk waved his arms to the ball so it would stay fair? Totally bogus. And a stunt double was in Fisk’s place. Fisk was sipping a martini in the dugout. No way would he go out and frantically wave his arms for Gil. Would you? You’ll have to catch it on YouTube if you want to see more Carlton and less Gil. Be the bat, be the bat… Whoopsy-daisy, I almost got myself in a trance. That’s what happens when this soporific storyline is at its peak.

“DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG HERE???????”

“Honey-nipple, sassafras donkey’s knee, sugar plum crispy noodlums, what’s wrong?”

“You’re dominating everything!!!!!!! School, sex, my life, heck, I never even show up in this comic strip!!!!!!!! It’s official!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am the woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Just because I happen to be principal?”

And for once, Beaver’s hand was in proportion as in P1. But fast-forward to P2 and his hand has swollen evidently FROM hypnosis. When I count to 10, your hand will resemble Andre the Giant’s appendage (the latter could not dial on a rotary phone, they were that large) . Beaver not only possesses inflated hands but they can bend at a 90 degree angle to his forearm. This talent will come in handy when he is toting his tray at the school cafeteria. His hands are free in case he wants seconds of something like whipped potatoes or meat loaf. He can literally stiff-arm the defensve tackle out on the field, no problem.

Freak hands have struck again. And just in time for Halloween. I think I’ll go as The Tin Man. All he needed for Beaver’s Butthead position was an oil can. Oh, okay, The Scarecrow too but he only had straw to deal with. Just don’t do push-ups. Save your ulna for later use.

“Be the football, be the football-“

“Gil, what are you doing?”

“That’s the last time I lose to Oakwood on a fluke play. I should have done a better job with Chance looking the hand-off in the tuck. It’s time to hunker down.”

Oh, c’mon, Tevin. Are you really going to let Boyd Disguised As Heather perform some questionable tricks, just to up your game? Yes, I realize pro athletes go to hypnotists and positive-thinking specialists all the time. In fact, one year, back in the ’80’s, the San Francisco Giants employed a psychologist that TRAVELED WITH THE TEAM and turned out pretty useful. One of their catchers had a mental block throwing down to second. He had the catcher throw several balls to first and third, then asked “Okay. Why can’t you do the same at second?” The catcher was cured.

And what’s Boyd going to do, say “You can hold a football in the cafeteria or when you’re sitting on the john or when you’re making a move on or when you’re at the SAT Test site or flipping off Mimi or getting dressed in the locker room or watching Bridge Over The River Kwai so why can’t you hold it on tge football field?” The jury will becout for quite some time.

Be Gil Thorp, Be Gil Thorp…

OMG!!!!!!! I just had a nightmare!!!!! Whew!!!!! Thank God I have like you. God bless you, Gang.

October 18, 2021

Bye Bye Boydie!

Filed under: Milford Idiots — nedryerson @ 3:16 am

Boyd Spiller refuses to back off of his stance that Tevin has a choking problem. I suppose, based on the scant evidence we were shown that the last game’s choking was the pass that was tipped and intercepted? Gimme a break. Is Boyd just looking to get shoved into a locker? We know Gil Thorp isn’t going to address this issue because he’s nowhere to be found this early in the season. The rest of the team is used to ignoring Boyd’s crap by now, so I guess it’s up to Tevin to shut Boyd down. Maybe Tevin gets a kick out of this nonsense. I’m over it.

So Boyd’s “cure” revisits his stupid motivational tactic from the bonfire. Tevin should be seek out hypnosis so he won’t have his passes tipped or he won’t get the ball knocked out of his hands when his linemen allow defenders so swarm all over him?

Oh brother. Shut up already, Boyd.

October 16, 2021

Is Everybody Happy?

Filed under: Brown Hair, Goshen, Heather Burns, Milford Idiots — teenchy @ 9:33 pm

Sorry I’m so late with today’s post, y’all. I’ve been feeling like my posts have been kind of slapdash, written in haste. I feel the need to step back, remember the early days when I just joined the rotation, and focus on the core of what makes Gil Thorp Gil Thorp: the sportsball.

What’s been at the core of Mudlark football this season? The Delaware Wing-T! Where best to brush up on the Delaware Wing-T? Why, Delaware of course!

So tonight’s post comes to you from the heart of Blue Hen Country itself. On to the postgame report…

Well that was anticlimactic. With Milford up 13 in the third quarter, Tevin Claxton had a pass tipped and picked off. Was Goshen able to capitalize on the turnover? Doesn’t look that way; they ended up losing by 24! From midway the third, Milford outscored Goshen 21-10. When did Goshen think kicking another field goal made sense? Only if they actually did score off that pick and hung their ten to get within 23-20 before Milford reeled off three touchdowns. Otherwise it’s garbage time stuff to beat the spread.

Trying to play Saturday night quarterback and figure out how the rest of the game played out is about as productive as trying to figure out who this rando brunette is why Gil feels he needs to fluff Goshen in his postgame presser with Heather. Beating your opponent by four scores is solid but come on, Goshen hasn’t been good in ages. Let’s go to where the real action is – the Milford locker room.

Tevin’s a cool customer; he didn’t let that pick bother him and he drove the team onward to victory. He doesn’t even let this undersized beady-eyed punk lineman get to him. The only problem Tevin really has is trying to make time with burn-the-candle-at-both-ends Kianna. Boyd Spiller is intent on making himself a problem for Tevin, though. Tevin might laugh it off but it won’t be long until the rest of his teammates won’t.

What havoc they may wreak on young Spiller remains to be seen. I’m just waiting for the reveal of why Boyd feels compelled to call Tevin a choker every time a play doesn’t go as planned. Did Tevin ignore him while a bunch of other jocks were bullying him? Steal the pudding cup off his lunch tray, or what?

Older Posts »

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.