This Week in Milford

August 16, 2018

At the Valley Juniors, There’s No One to Rap Your Knuckles If You Sandbag

Filed under: Gil Thorp, golf, High Five Fail — teenchy @ 6:28 am

gt08162018

If the hole is a par 6 then, yeah, six strokes is a par.  Yesterday’s strip tries to infer that it’s a par 4, to reinforce that the PRCC boys are cheaters.  The MCC pair are the only honest young men on the links.  Must be that good ole St. Fabe’s parochial school learnin’ that keeps them honest; it sure ain’t no scorekeeper.

Not the worst high five I’ve seen in P1 but if that’s supposed to be a fist bump in P2 those kids must take a 72 sleeve on their dress shirts.

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August 15, 2018

“…Who Are Paired Up With The Man From Glad.”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 4:56 pm

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah, I heard his game is a 3-handicap, perfect for guys who have similar scores, factoring in the Dishonesty Property of Equality, something that appears in every story involving Black and White characters. In fact, next to Never Never Land, just keep an open mind and then suddenly you’ll find…BLACK AND WHITE LAND!!!!!!! Not sure if you’ll find treasure if you stay there. Plenty of discarded dubious golf scores. And Gil is not a wizard nor a true star. But you already knew that. BTW,  Gray area characters apply next door to Smidgens.

And this storyline is careening in that direction.

“Man From Glad, these Titleist golf balls are getting stale. I can barely get it 2 feet off the tee.”

“No problem. I have a 16 ounce, zip-lock, mauve Glad Bag in my golf bag, right under my pack of Bel-Airs. Here you are.”

“Gee, thanks, Man From Glad. You’re a swell guy.”

“Thanks, Beaver. Anything to help your scores.”

“Funny you should say that. Our scores really suck. Do you have a disposable container for our 67 and 69 we scored on the Front 9?”

“Not a problem. I have the huge black 18 gallon OdorShield bag w/blue drawstrings and pink polka dots we can put them in. When the Milford Sanitation Company truck drives by #11 to pick up the weeds and $10 Pepsi cans, I’ll just hand it to the flunky jumpin’ off the side of the truck. No mess, no fuss.”

“THANKS, Man From Glad. How can we EVER repay you?”

“Just don’t tell anybody that I’m a refugee from Sao Tome and Principe. How do you think I fooled ’em with my 3-handicap?”

 

Gang, this plot is SOOOOOOOOOO stupid(HOW   STUPID   IS   IT????????), Gil went to _____________, instead of the Milford Lounge to escape the inanity.

Okay, gang, you watched Match Game. It’s your turn to fill in the ______________.

After 60 years, can they add some color to it? It’s like watching Dick Dastardly and Muttley stuff the scores in their Fruit of the Looms and swear to Wilson and Tony they were shooting birdies with a Swiffer mop the entire Back 9. Suuuurrrrrrreeeee, Muttley, I know you beat Penelope Pitstop  at the Milford Putt-Putt last week when you beat her on a nice save for par at the #6 alligator pit. You just swung it right before the ‘gator clamped his jaws shut. Such dexterity. And that was a nice shot you hit that caromed off the bird’s nest in the tulip tree, ricocheted off a canadian geese’s butt banged off the piston of a golf cart whose hood was open clunked Ben Hogan in the shoulder while he was reading a Sears catalog then finally dropped in the cup for birdie. I’ll even ignore that wheezy laugh which usually denoted chicanery because we’re gentlemen and this is a Gentlemen’s Game. You just need to take Contac Night-Time Flu medicine. No problem.

 

As long as we’re going to get stupid as stupid does, I feel a song in my heart. For all you Classic Rock fans like moi,

Enjoy

 

This is a story ’bout Sappy Jerk and Aardvark II

Who laid in the club house with nothing better to do

They fudged the scores as if they shot with Arnold Palmer

Here’s what happened when their game was cheaper than Wal-Mart

They headed straight over to the grounds at Pine Crest

Their ethics were similar to a coyote in the Wild West

Wilson and Tony were ready for these losers

Proving after all that beggars can’t be choosers

Sayin’

Go on, take your bogey and run

Go on, take your bogey and run

Scoot, Scoot, Scoot

Go on take your bogey and run

OH SHIT I LIPPED THE CUP

Go on, take your bogey and run

 

Billy Mack is a certified pro in Texas

You know he knows exactly what the facts is

He ain’t gonna let those two escape fair play

He makes his livin’ forcin’ ’em to play the right way

Sappy Jerk, whoa, whoa, he slipped into the clay

Aardvark II met him at McD’s the very next day

They kept their golf bags, anyway, and they just ran away

They headed to Guam and they’re still cheating today

Singin’

Go on, take your bogey and run

Go on, take your bogey and run

HOOF HOOF HOOF

Go on, take your bogey and run

Go on, take your bogey and run

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah,

Singin’

Go on, take your bogey and boogie…

 

“We’re here at Milford City Mall where we’re conducting a taste test between Mudlar-K-Cola and Pepsi.”

Coach Shaw, after walking out of Milford Ammo Emporium, samples both. He spits out the second, getting spray all over his wife’s shopping bag.

“MAN, who brewed this bucket of piss?”

The incognito can is revealed.

“PEPSI?????? Brother, we’re just about to go grocery shopping next and we’re buyin’ 2 24-packs of Mudlar-K-Cola. I knew Pepsi had changed over the last few years.”

Next, Generic Fan, seen especially at blowouts of Milford Basketball games, in favor of Milford and not in favor of Milford samples the merchandise. After sampling second choice, the face caves in and reappears as Generic Milford High School Cafeteria Lady

“Jesus, we serve THIS to the students!!! After we microwave it then serve it with pepperoni pizza  that’s been under the lamp for 2 days!!!”

When informed that it’s Pepsi, he/she says

“I need to call Milford Vending and tell the trucks to stop delivering Pepsi and bring in 10 canisters of Mudlar-K-Cola.”

Next, Daffy Duck, after walking out of Milford Beauty School, fresh from completing her recertification on Chunky Bracelets,takes a sip

“Oooooooooooooo, this thing’s got cooties. What IS it?”

The culprit is revealed

“YUK!!!!!!!! Somebody doodied in the Pepsi. Thank God I got some change in my purse. There’s a Mudlar-K-Cola machine by the mall entrance.”

Later

“You SURE they weren’t looking when you switched the cans?”

“Of course. It was on old trick I learned from the Amazing Kreskin. Mind over matter.”

 

But, of course, while the 2 Goofuses are inventing ways to cheat, our 2 Gallants are doing it The Strait Way , the only way to go, at least The Way Thorpiverse prescribed it. So if your Lexus’ front end gets smashed in something fierce at the Milford Wal-Mart, take comfort that Thorpiverse Junior Cadets and higher were trained to leave a note on the windshield, complete with insurance information , how it happened, their lawyer’s phone number, their lawyer’s name, rank, and serial number, information on how to be included in their will, and the urine bag sample to prove they weren’t using drugs.  Because Strait is the Gate and Narrow is The Way and few but the Gallants find it. Oh, I forgot Gil and his Merry Men. And Women. They take the back entrance.

So while we’re laughing our A’s off watching these losers in P3, observing in amazement that Thorpiverse REALLY thinks we’re this stupid(“Just put pi in the #3 slot, the judges will just round off to 3”),  just remember

If ya have trouble addin’ up your bogies becuz yore 3rd grade teacher didn’t get past 10 in her Lesson Plan this week, ya might be a redneck.

 

“And Wilson and Tony are just 1 stroke behind Sappy Jerk and Aardvark II. The Judges are doing an audit of the latter’s scorecard, concerned with how they scored a hole-in-one on a par 5. Sappy insists they used a cannon and used proper aim, able to get in the neighborhood of the hole, using Calculus principles. Even if they prove their case, they still might have trouble usiong a cannon as per the Milford Junior Pro-Am Golf Rules Directory. The judges are still hearing the appeal. Naturally, Coach T is not around to defend our heroes. But that’s par for the course, excuse the pun. While we’re waiting for the final ruling, we’ take a break. You’re listening to Marty Moon on WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

Marty Moon and Peaches board a Cessna for Milford Stunt Flying, Inc.

Josh Sterling, a quarterback deluxe in his day for the Mudlarks, is now a skilled pilot, able to do loop-d-loops, corkscrews, nose-dives, suicide drops, skywriting, messages on signs(“Oakwood sucks-like this plot”), etc.

“Folks, you’re about to have the time of your lives. And as an extra incentive, if you can go through the whole trip without screaming, I will refund half the fee. Remember, not a peep, not even a squeak, and you can put half your money back in the deposit box at the ATM.”

So up they go, Josh in the cockpit, Marty and Peaches putting on their seat belts and the former gets the propellers spinning wildly.

The plane goes here, there, everywhere, not a direction it hasn’t uncovered while enduring enough angles to prove Angle-Side-Angle(“Corresponding part’s of Marty’s goatee are congruent.”).

And not a sound from either one. The plane alights on earth 1/2 hour later. Josh unbuckles his seat belt, his  Dirty Harry shades intensifying his pilot image, and comes back to check on them.

“Well, I see you managed to live to tell about it. Just go up to the ticket window and show the cashier the receipt. She’ll cheerfully refund half the deal. Good job, people.”

“Thanks. Peaches, we can eat at that fancy restaurant you’ve been dying to go to. I heard the Marinaded Shrimp Surprise is to die for.”

Marty turns his head after curling up in a ball for the Tornado Drill.

“Peaches?”

“Sir, let me check the baggage rack. Sometimes they sneak in one of the compartments and the latch gets stuck”

Marty and Josh go back to the baggage rack. All the compartments are opened but no sign of Barnabas Collins.

Then Josh notices the escape hatch is wide open.

 

“And that’s how your sex life will end up if you don’t head to Milford Men’s Clinic. I might have received my refund to apply to my car payment and it’s good to know that I’m only 2 payments behind.

But if Peaches is splatted like a horse fly in somebody’s corn field, there’s no ecstasy when you eat in that restaurant and crack clams all by your lonesome. I might as well go get a crowbar out of that same car. But for what you’d pay for 10 crowbars, the Milford Men’s Clinic can set you straight. You can get all the sex you want. WITHOUT using a crow bar. it’s like cracking clams with  cardboard scissors. come check ’em out today. You’ll be glad you did.”

Thanks to Larry Cartwright who helped with the humor. You’re over coming your handicap in a might way, My Man. God bless you.

Gang, comment away. Don’t forget to fill in the blank before the show gets to the Final Round. Gene Rayburn is waiting for an answer.

 

METAPOST

Gang, it is with a VERY HEAVY heart that I announce that Aretha Frankllin died this morning. It’s not even close when I mention who was one of the giants in Rock ‘n’ Roll, Soul, Rhythm & Blues, and Pop. Aretha, you are THE QUEEN. With hits like “Respect”, “Think”, “Chain of Fools”, “Freeway of Love”, “Who’s Zoomin’ Who”, THAT’S not even scratching the surface of her accomplishments. She won 18 Grammys, belted out 24 Top 40 hits,and was the 1st woman inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Still. it really didn’t capture how influential she was in the world of music. When I was 10 years old, “All The King’s Horses” would be played on the radio and I just went bananas, not to mention the songs above giving this kid in the candy store a HUGE rush. With tributes ranging from former President Obama to Paul McCartney to Lionel Richie to SEVERAL others, it is clear she had a hold on many people in all ages and sizes. Elton John said it best when he said he was devastated by the news. So am I. Please spread the word about the Queen of Soul on her Day of Celebration. RIP, Aretha.

August 14, 2018

“Cheer up, Keith Richards. Your short game just needs a little work.”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 3:51 pm

 

 

 

BTW, can I have your autograph?

Gang, isn’t this just getting weirder and weirder? Granted, the big mouths bestowed with the names Mutt and Jeff apparently got their comeuppance. We’re not sure, they ran their mouths for a couple of days, then disappeared off the set. The only account that they left Pine Ridge with their tails between their legs is what we’ve heard from Arthur Ashe and a Cowsill, sitting on a bench, feeding the doves. That’s just not the real thing, gang.

When was the last time Bruce Lee EVER took on 123 villains, all circling around him and waiting their turn until Lee kicked the one at hand in the nuts or flipped him across the South China Sea or smashed his head into the Statue of Liberty only to take on the next cad while the other cads waited their turn(passing the time away playing pinochle with other cads or watching the news until it was their time to rumble), the catch being that we only learn of it while Bruce is in the corner table at Pop’s Choklit Shoppe, getting in a burger-eating contest with Jughead Jones, meanwhile relating to Archie and the Gang how he eviscerated all 123, one-by-one naturally or HE’D be hamburger.

“Duhhhhhhh, how’d you get all 123? The Math don’t add up.”

“Don’t pay attention to Moose. It NEVER adds up for him. You oughta see him trying to figure out this plot. You might as well throw The Four Color Problem at him.”

 

And aren’t you just impressed with how they’re laying out strategy before they hit the Pacific Theater?

And based on Gil’s track record for leaving the scene of the battle, I’m not bettin’ the Pine Ridge Golf Course property that Gil will be in the thick of the bombs and the blood. He’ll be working with his kids’ putting while soldiers will be dying in waves. Children’s Crusade, indeed.  Oh, but he’ll be there to shake Wilson’s and Tony’s hands when they lay down the flag at Iwo Jima. Yup, be posing smack dab in the middle when they shoot the photo of our heroes. Gil Theater in its prime.

 

He’ll be comin’ ’round the golf course, if he comes

He’ll be comin’ ’round the golf course if he comes

He’ll be comin’ ’round the golf course

It really couldn’t get much worse

He’ll be comin’ ’round the golf course if he comes.

 

He’ll be totin’ a Bud Lite cocktail if he comes

He’ll be totin’ a Bud Lite cocktail if he comes

He’ll be totin’ a Bud Lite cocktail

While he chews down both his thumbnails

He’ll be totin’ a Bud Lite cocktail when he comes.

 

He’ll be readin’ 6 golf journals if he comes

He’ll be readin’ 6 golf journals if he comes

He’ll be readin’ 6 golf journals

While guzzlin’ from his Thermos

He’ll be readin’ 6 golf journals when he comes.

 

He’ll be scoopin’ mud from his Nikes if he comes

He’ll be scoopin’ mud from his Nikes if he comes

He’ll be scoopin’ from his Nikes

Gym shoes weren’t  for the high greens

He’ll be scoopin’ mud from his Nikes if he comes.

 

Sooooooooooooo, in the spirit of things, the following was done to accentuate the pointlessness of the plot thus far. Only the Myth of Sysiphus weighs in with more ennui.

 

After watching a VERY uninspiring episode of Dragnet on ‘Nick at Nite’ one evening where the episode was essentially ‘Joe Friday, This Is Your Life'”

It was 7:00PM, EST in Milford. It was a bit muggy but the weatherman said we might have rain by the late evening. I was on my day off, doing a Sudoku puzzle at my house. The boss is Lieutenant De Windt.

My partner, Bill Gannon, was off that day himself. His wife was at an Avon seminar in Minneapolis so he was left at home by himself, left to watch “The Partridge Family” reruns. He didn’t know any of the words to their songs and there were no women in Milford to run around with so he came over to my place.

BAM!!! BAM!!! BAM!!!

“Bill, come on in.”

“Thanks, Joe. Sayyyyyy, everything is clean as a whistle.”

“That’s right.”

“Where do you find the time to do ANYTHING? You’re always on stake-out.”

“I use Milford Rent-a-Maid. They even clean behind the toilets.”

“Joe, I’ll cut the cheese.”

“Negatory, Bill. There’s a bathroom down the hallway.”

“I mean, I’ll get to the point. Do you ever get out much?”

“Oh, every once in a while. Sometimes I just like to sit in my recliner chair and watch the Pro Wrestling matches. Jerry Lawler sure knows his way around the ring. Shoulda been a cop. Or I watch Oprah. That comes on after the matches.”

“Hey, how’d you like to go with me to the Junior Golf Match at Pine Crest? I have 2 tickets and I’d be delighted if you came along.”

“Sure.”

“Great!! Pick you up on Friday, Friday.”

“It’s a date.”

 

It was 10:54 AM. The sky was blue and it was a bit windy. The golfers might have trouble fighting Mother Nature, especially on the long shots down the fairway. But we weren’t golf analysts so we relaxed on a bench by the #1 tee at Pine Crest. We were waiting for Wilson and Tony to tee off. They were deep in the woods taking a shit. We were tempted to suggest the Port-o-Lets 2 feet in front of us but knew they had a lot on their plates and backed off. We weren’t looking for trouble but trouble soon headed our way and it wasn’t a Topflite that veered off somebody’s shank, about to bonk my partner, Gannon, on the head.

“Hey!!!!!!! If you’re through wiping your ass, we’d like to tee off!!! Or did you wussies chicken out and head back to the clubhouse and withdraw?”

I’d seen better punks from Alvin & The Chipmunks. They licked the mud off the golf cleats of the pros that appeared in the Milford Pro-Am Tournament. Still, I was taking no chances. Gannon had tear gas in his back pocket in case they resorted to throwing golf clubs at Wilson and Tony. A cop expected the unexpected.

Wilson and Tony got off on the wrong foot. Wilson shot one in the lake and Tony struck a branch from an oak tree. That was just cannon fodder for these hooligans.

“Hoooo, Boy, you guys are really shooting Championship-caliber golf early.”

I could take no more

“Awwwright, if you jack-offs have nothing better to do than make fun of peoples’ games, tee off.”

“Grandpa, you got no business directing traffic here on the course. That’s what golf officials are for. Who the Hell are you?”

“Now, you listen here, you worthless scum. I’m a cop. So’s my partner here, Bill Gannon. I could nail you for stolen merchandise under Milford Penal Code Article 847 Section 10a, ‘Intent to unlawfully and willfully remove clothing from a venue of business’. I could tell by the K-Mart tags on your collar. You punks weren’t smart enough to remove the evidence. Then again, I figure if you’d skip from #1 to #17, why should it be surprising that your lazy ways caught up with you? But I’m a nice guy. It’s my day off. I won’t make any arrests unless you jerks keep up your nasty remarks. It’s your move.”

That eerie music begins to seep onto the golf course, the music that creeps in every time Friday scores a point. The Dalton Gang lay down their guns and tee off.

It was 1:15 PM. The clouds were beginning to accumulate in Milford but still far from a threat of rain. Wilson and Tony just left dog leg right #8, par 5, with new found confidence. Both got birdies, Wilson from a strong shot down the fairway and Tony from a brilliant shot after hitting one to the right of the green and faced with going uphill. Piece of cake.

Their antagonists, Mutt and Jeff, were neck-and-neck with Wilson and Tony., one stroke behind the latter pair. For all their mouth, they made shot after shot, many from impossible angles. They were not going to lay down and die. This one looked like it was going down to the wire.

But then I noticed something peculiar. It was in the way they were looking in the woods. Something wasn’t shaking in the Alka-Seltzer. I couldn’t imagine their kibbutzing 2 squirrels, one humped on the other one. That’s when I decided to make my move.

I called the Milford Police for back-up. You couldn’t have too much security in this town. Many Milford Police were victimized by TNT that blew in their face while walking Granny across the street. The Milford Police was on the scene. Hole #9, dog leg left, par 4 was a flurry of activity. I had my megaphone. I was ready.

BADER!!!!!!!!!!! POLICE OFFICERS!!!!!!!! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!!!!!!!!! YOU’RE UNDER ARREST!!!!!!!!

Papa Bader came out from behind the Japanese Maple tree with his hands meekly shot in the air. Gannon immediately put the cuffs on him.

“Bader, you are under arrest for violating California Penal Code Chapter 17, Article 38, Section 14f, “Unlawfully distributing Mudlar-K-Cola to a minor. Gannon, read him his rights.”

“You have the right to remain silent. If you…”

Hey, wait a minute, Milford isn’t in California!!!!!!!”

Mutt and Jeff were making one last desperate plea.

“Look, punk, if you’d worked on getting it on the green as much as you committed to smuggling illegal contraband onto the golf course, you wouldn’t be tangled up with this loser. Boys, get ’em outta here.”

 

It was 4:51 PM. The rain was about to arrive in Milford. Wilson and Tony went on to shoot 71 and 72, respectively, and win the Tournament with no pressure from the Dalton Gang alias Mutt and Jeff. I booked them on a Section 217, “Unlawfully appearing in a comic strip with no purpose in sight”. Only Mary Worth was stuck in the Federal Penitentiary longer. Prison time could be stiff.

“So tell me, Joe. How’d you know it was Bader?”

“Simple. I’d been hearing loud noises throughout the match. Golf carts don’t have transmission problems that bad. And when I heard it shift, I knew carts don’t run on manual. you couldn’t lug the engine carrying someone’s clubs. Then I saw the Mudlar-K-Cola truck stashed behind the pin oak tree on #10  and it confirmed what I’d been thinking. I knew Bader had escaped prison by using his dentures to chew on the prison bars. The cheap material to save the taxpayers a buck. The prison bars are made from the same company that manufactures World’s Finest Chocolate. I put 2 + 2 together and came up with 4.”

Gil Thorp comes up to Joe and Bill to shake their hands.

“Thank you for all your help. Mr. Bader is back in prison and the bad guys got their comeuppance like they have for the last 60 years.”

“Yeah, well, Thorp, I hate to break it to you but I’m running you in on a charge of State Law 71, Section 102t, Articlke 16, Theorem 21, Postulate 89, Lemma 7, Verse 12, ‘Intent to impersonate a comic strip when you belong in the want ad section with Rivets and Marmaduke’. Your game is up and this will be the last time you coach kids, then head to the neighborhood tavern when the heat’s on.”

“But I did nothing wrong. I coached kids who needed my advice and they ran with it.”

“AND YOU RAN OFF!!!!!!!! Now you listen here, Charlie. I’ve seen the likes of you many times before. Teach ’em how to shoot one out of the water, then go to Disneyworld with your kids or maybe even teach your kids the finer points of the game while Wilson and Tony are throwing their clubs in the lake because they missed a chip shot from 10 feet out. You mighta fooled the golf pro but our show started well in the 50’s before your comic strip was just Dobie Gillis in print. Ohhhhhhhh, the number of people you’ve led astray who could have been golf pros but wound up scouring the toilets at The Bucket. You didn’t have to clean their puke when a patron devoured too much Rocky Road Malt Magnifique and he upchucked it all over the sink. Myself, I’d throw the book at you.”

“Will I be able to admit receipts that I was only at the Milford Lounge for a 1/2 hour? The print can streak but they’re not fakes.”

“I don’t know. That’ll be up to the Fraud and Forgery Department.”

“Look, I know I got a bum rap. I made this strip with all the kids I imbued with my values. Without those values, they’d be on the chain gang.”

“Yeah? Well, you’re about to imbue them in another comic strip.”

Eerie music interlude before the show lays down THE HAMMER.

BOM BA BOM BOM

BOM BA BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

The story you have seen is true. the names stayed the same to encourage the ignorant.

On August 14th, trial was held at Milford Superior Couurt. in a moment, the results of that trial.

 

Thank you, Steven Pickford. You made America run when you drove busses and worked maintenance for TARC, the bus line for Louisville, Kentucky. Without your efforts, the sometimes uphill climb to make Capitalism work and promote Democracy got that much tougher. The Good Life got better thanks to people like you. Get a well-deserved rest.

 

Mr. Bader standing bug-eyed at the camera

“Mr. Bader was found guilty of unlawful departure from a public institution which is punishable by 5-10 years under Section 251 of the Milford Penal Code.”

On the graphics on the screen-“Mr. Bader is serving 7 years in addition to his present sentence known only to Thorpiverse”.

Gil Thorp, picking his nose, stares at camera

“Gil Thorp was found guilty of 7 counts of impersonating a comic strip, punishable by not less than 10 years on another comic strip.”

On the graphics on the screen-“Gil is now serving 12 years in the “Dennis the Menace” comic strip, in the house where Mr. Wilson used to live.”

“The fate of Mutt and Jeff was inconclusive as no names could be determined beyond those names and networks prohibited publishing names of minor on the television screen. they were therefore sent to a Hare Krishna commune just outside New Thayer.”

 

What the teachers, coaches, staff, anything remotely related to Gil Thorp in the month of August while the plot gently weeps

 

SHE CAME IN THROUGH THE BATHROOM WINDOW!!!!!!!!!

“See, I told you if you added a little Classic Rock to your set list, you would have the crowd on its knees.”

“Yeah!! And you should have seen Mimi crawl out of the air duct. They just whoop and whistled. It got a lot esier to play ‘Relaxin’ at Camarillo’ after that. They just sat in stunned silence. And I got a standing ovation like Yardbird was in the room.”

“Super!! Ready for bed?”

“Bluh, bluh, I better get ready for my gig at Minton’s Playhouse on Thursday.”

“Honey, isn’t that in New York?”

 

Gang, fire away. I’ll be around if Gil bails out again. I’ll watch the instructional video should that happen, a likely occurrence.

 

 

BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I ROCK AND ROLLED…

…BEEN A LONG TIME, BEEN A LONG TIME, BEEN A LONG LONELY LONELY LONELY LONELY LONELY TIME…

Headline from the Milford Enquirer the next day

“Coach Shaw and Mimi Do 5 Encores of the Finale”

sub head line

“Mimi bangs her head on pole better than John Bonham”

August 13, 2018

Unqualified

Filed under: Gil Thorp, golf, What the hell is going on here? — nedryerson @ 5:52 am

081318

Who knew there was so much structure to Junior Golf in The Valley? Tournaments and qualifiers and Wilson and Tony banging up the course. Are we expected to keep track of all this? Are statistics or rankings kept somewhere? Seriously, this is most likely an abbreviated plot and yet it seems crammed full of lots of talk of a sports infrastructure that we’ve never heard about in a Gil Thorp context before. Remember when golf was just something Gil pretended to teach little kids as an excuse so he didn’t have to help Mimi around the house?

Next, Gil is going to teach the Boys Wonder about golf topography!

August 11, 2018

That hat aint gonna win you anything

Filed under: Gil Thorp, huge hats, Milford Weirdos, oversize objects — robmize2013 @ 7:51 pm

Oh well I can fill in since its late enough. More bs commentary from Gil. At least he didnt say ‘Gents’.

Yes theyre 2nd year golfers competing against 16 and 17 year olds. But there are Plenty of 16 and 17 year olds who are ALSO SECOND YEAR GOLFERS.!

I started swinging a club at age 9. My dad took me to the driving range for 3 years before he decided  I was ready to play a course. So I started playing in the fall of 1978 when I was almost 13. I shot 121. The next round I shot 122. Keep in mind I already knew how to hit a ball before I played a round due to my dad having me hit balls for 3 years. My short game was sorely lacking however, as I didnt have a lot of practice in that area save for chipping balls in my yard. I would aim for the lamppost in the middle of the lawn in front of the house, and we had several shorter grass areas surrounding the driveway that I used to hit shots of various lengths. I improved quite a bit from that but my putting was still weak from not enough practice on a real green. So anyway–

I dont think I broke 100 my first full season, and my 2nd season was cut short by a shoulder injury in July of the year when I went too far back on a backswing and felt something hurt. I played a couple more holes but couldnt swing all the way back, so I quit, and my shoulder wasnt better until October. 3 months. I think I may have torn a muscle, and it just took that long to heal, but I was basically done for the year. By October its school stuff and cooler weather and I dont think I played another round that year that I recall. But the shoulder healed completely. And being a kid I wasnt allowing the shoulder to slow me down- I learned to do stuff lefthanded like pitch and bat. Just couldnt swing a club.

So season 3 came and I was ready to improve and I not only broke 100 I beat my dad for the first time. Then in season 4, at age 16, I got a hole in one. I figure I played 100 par 3’s before that ace, which is very few for such a major golf accomplishment. That year I broke 90 a few times and decided I was ready to try out for my high school golf team as a junior. I had a couple things against me however. The team was good, its home course was the toughest 9 in the area, and I didnt play that course very well. My 2 nine hole scores were 52 and 52, and needless to say I was cut. My dad said dont take it personally, and I didnt, but I still felt I was better then those scores indicated; and my game continued to improve until I shot my lowest score ever, 78, a few years later. I still consider myself better then the average golfer, but I found out that improvement is slower once you reach a certain level, and I just didnt play enough to reach the low 80’s upper 70’s all the time. But thats my goal every time I tee it up.

So enough about me; what my point about telling all this is these guys are shooting 87 in their 2nd year, and thats way ahead of my pace. At that level, its all about the short game and minimizing the strokes around the green, and that takes practice and repetition. Then they can get those 83s Gil is talking about.

August 10, 2018

Ease up .. again??

Filed under: Gil Thorp, oversize objects — robmize2013 @ 5:27 pm

As we sink our teeth into a summer golf story…  2 or 3 strokes is close enough that a double hit could make things interesting. I dont think its weird at all that high school kids are giving each other grief about anything. Thats what they do. And in P3, Gil gives his timeless advice.. I thought the guys were hung up on every thing he said about the game, and all he comes up with is .. Ease up. How does he know they feel bad? All theyre doing is sitting on a bench having a cold one. Its so dumb how emotions are assumed so quickly in this strip, but thats why its only a comic strip and not real life.

August 9, 2018

You Better Work!

Filed under: Gil Thorp, golf, Milford Weirdos — teenchy @ 7:25 am

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Goofus brings his cell phone on the course in violation of club policy.  Gallant heads to the practice bunker to improve his game.

Goofus cuts over to 17 to get off the course early.  Gallant calls penalties on himself for double hits he may be imagining.

Goofus namechecks a comic strip that’s even less relevant to today’s readers than the one he’s in.  Gallant works on his form by trying an awkward ballet position. (I’ll leave it to our experts to tell us which one.)

The Protagonists of August will keep working, ’cause Gil sure as hell won’t.

Musical inspiration for today’s post title:

August 8, 2018

Golf Plot At OK Corral

Filed under: comic crossovers, general nonsense, golf, Just plain sad — tdrewhardin @ 3:19 pm

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This is getting ridiculously easy to pick apart. We didn’t know who the Dalton Gang was before, we only had clues such as Gunfighting Ethics (“Don’t point that Colt .45 at a woman!!!!!!!!!) or MAYBE locations where they were playing and evidently winning like Pine Ridge CC, BUT WE DO NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! And you gotta be kidding me. I was expecting macho hunks that Little Joe and Hoss would be engaging in war with behind a boulder as big as an elephant or in the kitchen at the Ponderosa ranch. Can’t let ’em steal the microwave, can we, Mr. Cartwright (“Don’t let ’em get the Tupperware!!!!!!!!)?

But nooooooooooooo, these assholes are no worse than what you’d see Greg and Peter and Bobby fighting in the neighborhood on The Brady Bunch or Alfalfa and Spanky and Buckwheat would take on to defend Darla’s honor. If we’re going to endure a bad golf plot in the month of August, damn, Thorpiverse, can we upgrade the villainry? Bart Simpson could waylay these guys with his Butterfingers bar. Heck, the Cartwrights could potty-train these guys.

And then there’s P1. No, no, say it ain’t so, Thorpiverse. Please don’t tell me I’m seeing Wilson Casey with Third Degree Plumber’s Butt. I am really trying to close my eyes and imagine Wilson wearing Jack Nicklaus Haggar slacks and spiffy Arrow golf shirt topped by the sporty golf shoes that earned Nicklaus the moniker “The Golden Bear”. But I open my eyes and I see The Golden Butt in the worst putting stance wearing his gym clothes that he dragged from the lost-and-found hamper in the locker room at Milford High School gym. He’s just roadkill for these jerks who were jerks in their mother’s uterus during gestation. You simply don’t fight Ike Clanton with a water pistol.

And who’s this third guy? Ed McMahon? Just laughs at all their jokes even when they’re not even remotely funny? He just tags along and encourages them to make fun of Wilson and Tony, flout cell phone rules, and tag along in the rear when they’re about to tee off? What a life. Boy, THIS plot’s getting off to a roaring start. And to think we’re just weeks away from football. We only have basically 3 weeks of ineptitude to work in. Can I get him to go get me the $5 Lunch Bucket Brigade? I’ll give him a 10 and he can keep the change.

 

A Duluth Trading Company commercial late at night on The Milford Family Channel

“How to fix Plumber’s Butt:

Step 1: Identify the problem.

‘Man, Dude, I could take putting practice in that thing. You’re a human sand trap!!!!!’

Step 2: Remove those god-awful articles of clothing. Do it in the woods as there are ladies present. Use Off!!!! Spray if you need to and watch the raccoons.

Step 3: Put on Duluth Long Tail T-Shirt and Shorts. Put on Duluth Trading Boxer Shorts first to keep plot on schedule. We don’t want emergency changes in the woods on August 31st.

Step 4: Double-check your work.

‘Ooooooooooooooo, he’s so sexy looking in that Long Tail T!!!!!!!!!!!!! And his butt isn’t dragging along the fairways!!!!!!!!!!!’  ‘Yeah, wish I could say the same for the plot!!!!!!!!’

Problem solved.

 

If ya wore the same clothes to fix yore U-pipe underneath yore sink, proudly displaying yore Grand Canyon to the world, that ya yore later that afternoon when ya knocked in a hole-in-one, with Gil ‘n’ Kaz ‘n’ a Notary serving as witnesses, ya might be a redneck.

 

Additions to the survey that a person receives when they eat at The Bucket

 

Did you order items from the Dollar Menu?  1) Yes  2) No  3) Aren’t all items at The Bucket dollar items?

What did you order?

Bucket Bitty Burger

Bucket Burrito

Bucket Biscuit w/Sausage

Bucket Biscuit w/Hot Cakes

Bucket Biscuit w/Lollipop

Bucket Chicken Sandwich

Bucket o’ Ribs

Bucket o’ Ribs Marinaded in Jack Daniels Straight

Bucket o’ Ribs Marinaded in Jack Daniels Straight w/Hot Cakes

Bucket o’ Ribs Marinaded in Jack Daniels Straight w/ Hot Cakes and Chaser

 

Rate the cleanliness of the rest rooms  1) Before I got diarrhea from the Lousiana Lightnin’ Sauce on the Bucket o’ Ribs?  2) Somewhat Unclean  3) Neither Clean nor Unclean  4) Somewhat Clean  5) Very Clean

I had to use the Time-Out Table because I said the Bucket Con Carne looked like something Mr. Ed would consume out of his pail  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Disagree

Did you use drive-thru?  1) Yes  2) No  3) I would have used drive-thru but my car got repossessed by Milford Finance

How fast was drive-thru?  1) Very Slow  2) Somewhat Slow  3) Neither Fast nor Slow  4) Somewhat Fast  5) Checker Flag at Pick-Up

Rate the friendliness of drive-thru staff  1) Very Unfriendly  2) Somewhat Unfriendly  3) n/a-cashier had to take a dump  4) Somewhat Friendly  5) Like Mr. Green Jeans was taking your order

 

Due to overwhelming popularity with Buy One Liver Cheeseburger and Bucket Fries Combo, Get One Free, we are adding a Bucket Road Ice Cream Float to order to express our appreciation to our great customers and to address complaints of Liver Cheese breath by some of our customers. We apologize for any inconvenience.

 

Then there’s Mutt and Jeff. Insulting my hobby (LOVE to collect old comic strips) aside, let’s just call these jerks…Mutt and Jeff. Why not? They pretty well wrote their own script on this one and will have a hard time getting out of this plot(darn the luck). Can anyone be possibly be taking these losers seriously? Yeah, they shoot a few shots at our heroes but there is NO WAY this is Spike Lee vs. Reggie Miller trash talk proportions. My Man Reggie would shrug off these children and keep shooting 3 after 3. Let THESE guys get in your head? Said another way, let Mutt and Jeff get in your head? If Reggie could shake off Spike, he could shake off Dagwood and Barney Google. Come up with spicier attitudes than that, Thorpiverse.

And I’m not EVEN going to comment on P3. Are Mutt and Jeff going to tell Wilson tomorrow when Wilson is hanging his head “You’re mother drives a pickle wagon?” “Your mother wears army boots?” “Your mother eats Mike and Ike Candy”. Yeah, goin’ for the throat, Mutt and Jeff. You’ve really reached new lows. McMahon’s really laughing his ass off when he’s not lapping your behinds in P2.

 

“And here at BlackthorneSt.FabiansPineRidgeAleutianIslands CC, Wilson has dug himself out of the sand trap and scored an eagle, no thanks to Coach T’s coaching. Stick to coaching your kids. We’ll be right back after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“I FEEL LIKE TAKING ALL MY CLOTHES OFF, DANCING TO THE RITE OF SPRING, WHEN I WOULDN’T NORMALLY DO THIS KIND OF THING!!!!!!!!!”

Coach Kaz opens the door to Gil’s office.

Gil is discoing in his Duluth Trading Company boxers. He slams off the jam box.

“Whoooaaaaaa, Gil, I’ll just comer back later.”

“No, no, Kaz, whattya need?”

“Uh, another coach called for Moose. Do you wanna fax his stats?”

“Yeah, but you’re going to have to use Dr. Pearl’s office. Mine’s down again.”

“Sure, sure, I completely understand. I think I have everything in his file.”

“Wait, you might need his SAT scores. I have them in that file cabinet over there.”

“Nahhhh, I think Dr. Pearl has them in her desk and I can get the key from Luhm. You go on and trip the light fantastic.”

“You won’t tell anyone, will you?”

“Who would I tell?”

Gil is stuck for an answer. He can’t ask the audience on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?”

“BTW, did you go to The Bucket and have the Liver Cheeseburger again?”

 

“I had to confront my Erectile Dysfunction problem once and for all. I was having trouble pumping up for Mimi and was resorting to desperate measures. It was embarrassing having to explain to Coach Kaz my position. But he rewarded my coming out of the closet by resteering me to the Milford Men’s Clinic. With treatment programs that work, I can do my best imitation of John Travolta at the Milford Elks Club without worrying about getting the battery charged. And Mimi’s fun in bed too. I can get it on in both places. You can too. Come get that Disco Inferno at the Milford Men’s Clinic today.

 

Gang, go to it. Great comments yesterday and if you’ll help nail Mutt and Jeff to the wall, it would be mucho apreciado.

 

“Do you want a hot apple pie or 3 cookies for a dollar with your Liver Cheeseburger and Bucket Fries Combo?”

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