This Week in Milford

December 2, 2021

The Story Has Ended GET ON WITH BASKETBALL!!!!!!!!

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 4:21 pm

I loved the movie “The Love Bug”. There was a scene when the hero is at his nadir and his Chinese friend makes a pungently accurate comment: “When the story has ended, close the book.”

And my o my, do we need to put the clamps on this. There isn’t a trap door big enough to kill this farce and bury it out of existence. If my fate has to be decided at my high school cafeteria table, Heaven help me. I couldn’t imagine being overrun by ancient Romans in rebellion against my administration and having to turn to friend-turned-traitor and exclaim “Et tu, Brutus?” while standing on the faculty cafeteria table.

December 1, 2021

“Sure I have expectations. I expect you to keep my name out of your mouth, starting now.”

Boy, Chance Macy is presumptuous, isn’t he? Since when has the Milford student body outside of Chance’s teammates said anything about what he does after high school? They have wondered aloud about why he and Tevin have decided to use cafeteria tables as their personal soapbox, though. Shows you who rules the roost in the Milford High coop.

As if that wasn’t enough, he feels the need to share his conversations with Gil with the school at large. Yeah, I get it that he can fall back on the “Tevin made me do it” excuse which, if he’s as much a “take my own advice” and “keep my opinions to myself” guy as he’s been painted to be, makes him a huge hypocrite. Chance should have shut up as soon as he said “McGill” and sat right back down.

But wait, there’s more! Macy has the nerve to bring Kianna Bello into the picture. (Is it coincidence that she always happens to be sitting in front of the table the football player stands up on?) Guessing he doesn’t Kianna to talk to him, either. Wouldn’t the casual listener hear Chance and think he’s been talking to Gil about Kianna?

If tomorrow’s strip doesn’t have Kianna interrupting Chance’s mansplaining with a verbal – if not physical – beatdown, I will be sorely disappointed. Of course, disappointment is a way of life in the Thorpiverse. Pity she doesn’t still have those crutches; she could put them to good use in short order.

November 30, 2021

King Of McGill.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 11:34 am

A thumbs down sketch, a jeweler’s stone

A bad idea to call his own

Oh Gil, don’t lay so still, you’re out of reach

Still time to teach, play by play

Game observation, players carry reservations

Standing on the tables of giants

Leaves him cold

Leaves him cold

A bad idea to call his own

A hundred million words fly

Away

Away

So i did a little research and found out that college football is not surprisingly alive and well in Canada and that McGill University is a legitimate place to further a player’s football career as well as, of course, a person’s academic career. McGill University plays at Percival Molson Memorial Stadium, capacity 23,000, and while it doesn’t boast a strong championship tradition, it started its football program in 1874 and has won its share of championships.

I just don’t think that needs to be said on top of a cafeteria table. We do have sports information directors, y’know. Or the office secretaries can print out a fact sheet on the school. Naturally, Gil does an un-McGill and goes stone-cold in silence. Just let ’em get on their soapbox and take a stand against Laval University by announcing your Letter-of-Intent with the McGill Redmen. Why we couldn’t do this in the gym is so Gilberto but we’ve been using the cafeteria lately for more inane speeches than casual dining, why stop the stupidity now? And Luhm might have been buffering the floor anyway.

So let Chance stand on the shoulders of giants and eat his Twinkies once he’s done with his vignette. But next time, use the gym, dumbass.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Community College To Begin Home-And-Home Series With McGill University In Football In 2025!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“MCC AD: ‘This is a wonderful opportunity. And it will help in our quest for a spot in the College Football Playoffs. Ohio State and Alabama better be ready.”

I mean, really, if you’re going to defy expectations and make a jackass of yourself in front of the students, teachers on cafeteria duty, cafeteria ladies wiping the tables of Kool-Aid stains, two kids engaged in a food fight over how to solve an algebra problem (completing the square versus the quadratic equation) , etc., make it worth the trouble.

Dominique Wilkins played for Washington, NC, High School and helped his team to back-to-back State titles and was therefore heavily recruited by Dean Smith when he was coaching the Tar Heels. When Wilkins committed to Georgia, he had death threats to him spray-painted all over town. Dane Fife, Mr. Basketball for Michigan back in 1998 was branded a traitor when he signed to play for one of Michigan’s most hated basketball rivals, Indiana, especially after his dad played baseball for Michigan and his older brother, Dugan, had played basketball for the Wolverines. Todd May, a basketball whiz in the Commonwealth of Kentucky and was named Mr. Kentucky (high praise as high school basketball is religion in Indiana and Kentucky-the year Indiana went to a multi-class system in high school hoops, it was like a death knell rang throughout the state. Bobby Plump, ’54 Milan hero, lobbied HARD against it, even long after the decision was made) in 1982. He went on to sign with Kentucky but only lasted until Christmas break. He later played for Pikeville College, an NAIA school in the same county as his high school, Virgie, which just tore Kentucky fans understandably all to pieces. Though he was much happier at Pikeville and played that way (35ppg, 14rpg) , Big Blue Nation and Virgie never lived it down. May once had a customer come up to him when May was working in his dad’s auto parts store and say “Doggone, Todd, you let the whole town down” before placing an order. I’m tellin’ ya, it’s religion, baby.

So defy expectations, Chance. But have some expectations to defy. I could stand on a caferteria table and tell how I did on my SAT I took last Saturday. Oh, take it to the mountaintop, T. Drew. What’s Gil going to do, stand on a table and talk about the Midnight League Bowling Championship at Milford Lanes? Mimi get up and step on somebody’s meat loaf singing the praises of the volleyball team? There ARE pep rallies for those sort of things. No need to wallow in your neighbor’s mashed potatoes exclaiming Plump’s last second shot heard ’round the world in ’54.

In Gil’s office, REM’s “Oddfellows Local 151” being podcast on his desk

“No, really, Mister AD, I pushed for him to attend Laval University. Yes, I’m sure he would have been the starting tailback. Go Rouge-et-Or!!!!!!!!!”

I am King of all I see

A cafeteria for my voice

Oh Gil, don’t lay so still, not yet kickoff

Still time to teach, Delaware

Game consternation, players carry reservations

Standing on the tables of giants

Leaves him cold

Leaves him cold

A dumb idea to call his own

A hundred million Wing-T’s fly

Away

Away

And Tevin, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT???? He’s on the damn table, for cryin’ out loud. If I’d done the same thing when I was a teenager at my high school’s cafeteria tables, I’m getting rudely escorted to the principal’s office and facing a prolonged in-school suspension. We’ve had Coach Kaz and Random Teacher On Lunch Duty treat this like George Washington’s Pregame Speech before they raided Trenton. Shame Gil wasn’t there to get a lesson on how to besiege a Hessian bunkhouse.

What do you define as making a stand? Do you want Chance to dance to James Brown’s “Get Up, I Feel Like A Sex Machine”? He funks his way into your heart while he patiently explains that playing at McGill will enhance his stock when he enters the Canadian Football League Draft. While you’re at it, bring the Village People in and disco to “Macho Man” as he assumes the Hard Hat role and believes he will convince Cheeseburger Guy that Chance will soar to new heights avoiding tacklers while playing for the Ottawa Rough Riders.

Patrick Henry’s speech became famous because George Washington was noted heavily for being stoical at Convention meetings and called it STRAIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE (More than likely why he was perfect as Commander of the Continental Army) but after the end of Henry’s speech, Washington’s was just flat-out BUG-EYED.

“GIVE ME MCGILL OR GIVE ME DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Okay, I’ll give you McGill. Now would you mind taking your toes off my mac ‘n’ cheese?”

Speaking of Rough Riders, I liked a comedians take on when the Saskatchewan Roughriders used to play the Ottawa Rough Riders (latter folded in 1996) . Substituting Milford for Saskatchewan and both teams spelled Rough Riders

“And the Rough Riders have 1st and 10 on the Rough Riders 37-yard line. Rough Riders have a receiver in motion and Rough Riders showing a blitz. Here’s the snap, it’s an end-around, hit by a Rough Rider THE ROUGH RIDERS FUMBLE and RECOVERED BY THE ROUGH RIDERS!!!!!!!!!!!! They’ll have a 3 minutes to go kick the game-winning field goal. The Rough Riders call a time out to set up their defense. The Rough Riders wanted a flag on a late hit. The Rough Riders will try to grind it out on offense. Gil calls a time out because there were too many Rough Riders on the field.”

Okay, Tevin, make a stand but The Gray People (Blobby People haven’t returned from the Holidays yet) really are showing no better than a casual interest, if that. Cheeseburger Guy is Moose Mason. Duh, that’s a great speech. Want the rest of my fries? And the other dude is probably wondering why he’s looking stupid on a table with his Hanes protruding for that matter more than curious about what college he’s attending. Everybody else is, well, in a gray area. People get that way in Milford although it’s unclear if it’s hereditary.

In Dr. Pearl’s office with REM’s “King of Birds” playing from her Victrola

“Okay, I’ll have him call you. University of Lethbridge? Is that in North or South Dakota?”

And why not, Thorpiverse? Why not waste another panel to further Chance’s prating about the glories of McGill? We still have 24 days until Christmas, so we can afford to dawdle around on the cafeteria table until basketball season shows up like a bull in the McGill University Book Store. We may have to shovel the bull poop (plenty of practice for 60 years) so it doesn’t get on the textbooks but there’s plenty more gray people to toss around and this time they actually seem to give a halfway f—. Ol’Hot Dog Dude is enrapt at the thought that Chance will be playing at a major university in front of an intramural crowd. Don’t choke on your Oscar Mayer when he scores a TD for the McGill Hosers and does the Ickey Shuffle in front of the 10 fans at the game. Chance, you wanted The Immaculate Reception before an empty stadium, you got it. I couldn’t imagine Franco Harris leading the Steelers to a Miracle Victory in front of the McGill University Bridge Club, but Chance, you made your bed, you stand on it.

“And we’ll be back to see if Kianna signs a Letter-of-Intent with Yukon University or University of Calgary after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

At the Milford XXX Theater 24-Hour Buffet Holiday Dinner Order Pickup Window

“You mean I get a tub of Wal-Mart Great Value Claw Crab Meat if I buy another video? Hmmmmm, let’s see, I’ll take Milford Substitute Teachers in Playland. I’ve never seen them naked before, this ought to be interesting.”

Mimi and the kids come through the sliding doors, right behind a senior citizen couple picking up their Swift Spiral Ham and Pumpkin Pie Dinner for the Milford Senior Center Christmas Shindig

There he is, Mommy, behind those two old ladies tonguing each other.”

“GIL!!!!!!!! What are you doing here???? Didn’t I tell you not to ever come back to a place like this????”

“Mimi, when I saw their ads in the newspaper for Holiday Orders, they were too hard to pass up. They beat Kroger and Safeway and IGA like a drum. Look at this, you don’t have to spend a fortune to order Filet Mignon in Brandy Peppercorn Sauce and with the relatives coming over, I can make that a Christmas treat and also get a Erectile Defibrillator to take care of the irregular rhythms in my wee wee. I can get it on with you tonight and chop some wood and not have to worry about the wood smashing the vanity mirror. One flick of the switch on this defibrillator and I am pumping without having to swallow Halley’s M-O.”

“Daddy, it says you get free ice cream and a vibrator with a Christmas Order of Lobster Tails. Can I have rocky road?”

“NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gil, leave with me this instant!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Oh, come on, Honey, a man has to do what he has to do. And when he can get an early jump on Christmas Dinner orders at loss leader prices, it’s a no-brainer. I’m going to get my turkey and my pelvic thrusts in order too. They’re gonna love the Wild Caught Atlantic Salmon at the faculty party. And I got it in one package deal. Salmon, tartar sauce, hush puppies, slaw, plus the XXX-certified bondage kit. They even threw in an order of peanut brittle, they’re so into the Holiday Spirit.”

“Mommy, can I play with this masssge toy? I’m getting good vibrations on my wee wee. Nice and solid.”

“PUT THAT DOWN, JAIME!!!!!!!!!! Gil, look what you’ve done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now he’ll be bragging about how he got ecstasy. What do I tell the neighbors?”

“Shoot, he’s got to learn about the birds and the bees and the Tonka Toys they use sooner or later.”

“Gil, do you want me to tell the neighbors that you and your son are using the same Tonka Toys to get the same result?”

“She had me there. And Mimi special-ordered Turkey Dinners from IGA and picked up the EREC-3500 medications from Milford Men’s Clinic the same day. Great way to spend the holidays, feasting at the table and feasting in bed. Both were finger-lickin’ good. Get more than a drumstick at Milford Men’s Clinic and watch your sex life skyrocket. Only at The Clinic.”

GIVE ME GIL OR GIVE ME DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You didn’t hear me say that, Gang. Hopefully.

God bless you all.

“What do you mean I’m past the deadline on refunds for this Lobster Tail Special?”

Problems, problems

A hundred million plots fly

Away

Away

Away…

November 29, 2021

Extreme Padding

Filed under: Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp — nedryerson @ 4:32 am

Rubin is in no hurry to get to Chance Macy’s big reveal about his future plans. Did I say big reveal? I meant simpering, undercooked and inconsequential plot point. From what we’ve actually been shown, the only reason there’s any buzz at all about Macy’s choice is that he’s not making his home address known to recruiters and the office staff at MHS has nothing better to do than announce every time a piece of mail arrives.

Speaking of nothing better to do, here’s two panels of Gil and Kaz banter tap dancing around the big reveal? Oh did I say big reveal again? I meant tepid pool of runny scat that means less than zero. Oh look, Gil’s been doing that hand on the neck pose so long, his hand fused to his neck! Now that’s a development.

Okay, it looks like the big reveal is going to happen in the cafeteria. As everyone knows, one must stand on a cafeteria table to reveal things t hat nobody cares about. Hop on up there, Chance and sing it to the rooftops. You’re going to play football somewhere or not play football at all. Spill it. (Did I say big reveal again? I meant Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.)

November 27, 2021

That’s Okay; None of Us Are Curious, Either

Earlier this afternoon, the Michigan Wolverines beat the Ohio State Buckeyes 42-27 in Ann Arbor, snapping an eight-game losing streak against their arch rivals.* The Wolverines were led by running back Hassan Haskins**, who had 28 carries for 169 yards and five touchdowns. With the win, Michigan wins the Big Ten East Division and will play for the conference championship against either Iowa or Wisconsin.

Rushing for five touchdowns to beat your most hated rival in The Big House in front of a hundred thousand plus with a light snow coming down. You’d have to think that would be football nirvana for a Michigan high school running back. You would, but then you wouldn’t be Chance Macy.

After cramming two uninspired Milford losses in five strips (one of which only showed one non-action panel from the game), Chance Macy’s Big Football Decision is gonna get dragged out over at least three strips. Chance doesn’t care what Gil thinks and doesn’t care that he’s created expectations in people based on his talent. Not a major issue, really; the kid should make his decision on what he thinks will be best for him in the long run. What does matter is that he seems intent not only on not seeking advice but also on actively ignoring any advice offered him, consigning it to that big trash can that doubles as Gil’s mail bin.

Chance isn’t interested in finding out if he could play at a big football factory, and has no interest in football as a career. So what does he want to do with his life? Does he even want to go to college? If he does, why shouldn’t he take a free ride somewhere and take a load off his grandparents’ (and possibly his absent parents’) backs? What heretofore unknown motivation will guide Chance’s decision?

Odds are it’ll be something as random as this season’s plot Tevin Claxton’s admission that he’d been using a sports psychologist. What isn’t random at this point is getting the readers to care.

Apologies for taking so long to get today’s post up. I spent far more time than usual watching actual football games than trying to come up with something clever to say about fictional ones.

*Disclaimer: teenchy neither attended these schools nor is a fan of either of their football teams.

** His real name, not one made up for this comic strip – and, I’m guessing, no relation to Conrad Luckey Haskins.

November 26, 2021

Stuff this team in the turkey

Headin’ out to San Milfordo
For the Labor Day bonfire show
I got my Hush Puppies on
I guess I never was meant for gymna-volleyball.
And Gildo I didnt know – that I’d be missin you so..

Come Monday, it’ll be all right
Come Monday, we’ll be losin the fight
I spent four lonely days in a hypnotic haze
And I want Spiller out of my sight…

Yes, it’s been quite a summer
Racing cars and golfing pain.
And now you’re off on vacation
Something you can never explain.
And, Gildo since I gotta go
That’s the reason I’m not gonna throw…

Come Monday, it’ll be all right
Come Monday, I’ll be pickin a fight
I spent four freakin days with A. Simpkins from State

and I just want this crap to subside..

November 25, 2021

No If’s Or And’s But There’s Always But’s.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 3:05 pm

Typically reticent???? Thorpiverse, are we seeing the same thing? I wouldn’t say he’s a chatterbox but his demeanor has been more stand-offish rather than quiet. I understand his hesitancy about playing college sports; after all, it’s a big step for anybody to jump from high school to college and then pursue your dream sport on top of that. Chance has more questions than answers at this point, but (there’s that word again) that’s normal.

But he was making his last recruiter look like Chance was just a piece of meat to him when the recruiter was just doing his job and staying within the bounds when he was doing it. Chance, if you don’t want to play college football, that’s your prerogative but don’t disappear from the landscape and send your portion of the plot in a sewer to be fished out at an undetermined date and establish that as your basis for your being reticent. I’ll admit this plot is stagnant and reticent but that’s what happens when it’s running all around the Wild Mouse roller coaster and finally ends up back at the starting gate, exhausted with nothing to say. And as I mentioned to Teenchy yesterday, this mini-plot hope-to-God-it-reaches-closure-by-Christmas-Eve format isn’t cutting it.

Anybody who saw the movie “Nashville” knows they utilized that several-mini-plots-running set-up a la M*A*S*H* (Ironically, the movie “M*A*S*H*”, which really in some ways wasn’t like the TV show, was directed by Robert Altman who directed “Nashville”.) . One mini-plot was hilarious. Robert Altman was semi-notorious for bringing in people off the street to act in his movies and “Nashville” was no exception. He also brought in actors and actresses who had flaws but had something to their repertoire to make it in show biz.

Gwen Welles was Exhibit A for Altman. She plays Sueleen Gay, a singer in a nightclub who has a horrendous voice. Funny thing was, she couldn’t sing in real life either. Anyway, it finally comes to a head when these conventioneers stumping for a political candidate are at the nightclub, just booing her absolutely mercilessly. She is convinced she can save face if she does a strip tease in front of them which does indeed soothe the savage beast and is able to get out of the nightclub with some dignity intact.

But in vintage Altman fashion, those were actual conventioneers whom Altman managed to schlep on the set for generous cash payouts and again, Welles’ bad singing was not an act, she was that horrible. Moreover, the booing and hissing and the strip tease were all done in one take. Geez, take notes, Thorpiverse.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Steals Show At Milford Comedy Club!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Repeat Performance Expected Tonight For SRO Crowd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Eyewitness: ‘He can’t tell jokes any better than Daisy Duck but you should have seen the audience raise the roof when he was unpeeling.'”

And I realize teenagers have their endemic tastes in clothing and hairstyles but this Foghorn Leghorn coxcomb in P1 is something I can’t stomach. T-verse has ways of attempting to look avant-garde that really needs Right Guard sprayed on it. Look, I have a great-nephew running cross-country and he has unique hairstyles. And many of you out there have coached and I’ll wager you have the same coaching philosophy that I carry, just bring your game is all I care about, regardless of hairstyle. Our high school girls’ golf teams have won several State Titles and the girls came in all shapes and sizes but they shared one thing in common, they brought their game. All you can ask.

And I’m not criticizing Tevin as much as I am flaying T-verse’s artistic interpretation of the like which makes Tevin look like a Foghorn-about-town but couldn’t even attract Mary Worth’s graduating class. Oh, but we have Mr. Taciturn to step in after he went to Camp David to avoid all the recruiters and tell Tevin basically to suck it in. As if he has any room to talk. Yeah, let’s lend an ear to someome who inquired about the NFL, then told the recruiter to take this job and shove it. Your words are golden elixir flowing from the sewerlines, Mr. Taciturn. Don’t forget to get your severance pay after lecturing Mr. Leghorn.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Performance Held Over One More Night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“‘He may have been gonged several times but his sexy body is paying the rent in November’, owner claims.”

Overheard in the faculty lounge

“Dr. Pearl, you can’t even sing. Or dance. Better wait until Monday when it’s dead.”

And again, let’s dissect Stan Lynch’s, er, Chief-Quiet-as-a-Fox’s-Fart-in-the-Wind’s a/k/a Chance’s statements in P2 and see if we’re heading towards the same end zone. SOMEBODY has to point Forrest Gump in the right direction, Lord knows, Gil’s still in full display at the Milford Girls-A-Go-Go Club.

Stan, look, you played a mean set of drums for Tom Petty and it’s nice you bleached your hair blond to look like your idol, Tommy Rich, but no way can I accept 100% what you’re saying. Okay, I’ll concede that Kianna will get over it and maybe learn to pace herself better but Tommy has proven to be an airhead with an allergic reaction to practice so winning mught make him feel better but with winning to him being like Chinese cooking, he’s still stuck an hour later with the same blown coverage assignments until he gets his head out of Gil’s ass and hunkers down and gets serious about football. As Gordon has already mentioned, the blown assignments are a result if a malfunction between the ears. And only Tommy can solve it. And we had a roseate premonition of the Madison game but we all saw what happened. It didn’t help that Tevin picked a wrong time to air guitar Pete Townshend to the tune of “Won’t Get Fooled Again” heading into the weekend.

Sheesh, we already sent one phony quack packing. And we’ll send another one if he’ll quit treating recruiters worse than the cafeteria ladies.

If ya strip before the Milford Women’s Knitting Circle Club and ya is able ta keep them from laughing too hard at the merchandise because ya didn’t have any skeeters or fleas this time cuz ya used enough Off! spray to nuke all the fire ants in South America, ya might be a redneck.

Frank (other TWIM’er Bears fans) BTW, congratulations on your Bears winning on Thanksgiving Day. I’m guessing your Holiday was a little bit brighter although I’m sure you’re not thrilled with the overall season. Keep those competitive juices flowing, My Man.

We finally get to Game Day where the Valley Conference is evidently issuing Commerative Collector’s Item Spalding NFL Beach Balls as the Official Game Ball of the Conference. Remember the Burger King commercial where the customers sang the jingle “It takes two hands to handle The Whopper”? No truer statement than today. It’s like executing a pitchout with a bean bag chair. How do you fall on a duffel bag when it’s fumbled? Or even throw a long bomb? No wonder why Tevin got his shoulder separated into next week. Throwing the same thing C-130’s drop at Milford Proving Ground down field will rip your humerus from the rest of your body every time. How did Chance hand the foitball to the ref and keep his collarbone from turning into a dog collar?

If that’s the ref in the first place. I wonder. Does he always come to the games in split-instep pants? I know he is grateful that Chance gave him a Butterball Turkey for Thanksgiving for calling a goid game but he’s out of uniform at this point. Oh, well, Gil trained his players well. Bribe them but smile when you do it. Show some class. That way, the other team can’t say you cheated.

But wait, there’s more.

In Thorpiverse, there always is.

“But we’ll be back to see what the but is all about so we’ll butt in for a commercial break which will give me time to scratch that nagging pimple in my butt. This is Marty Moon and but of course, you’re listening to WDIG-TV, a division of Learfield Sports.”

At the Shaw household one Friday at 11:08PM

“Man, I can’t believe I have this bow-tie on my person!!!!!!!! I sure could have used that at the prom. And I got it for sending $150 to Milford Anti-Terrorist League!!!!!!!!!”

“Hooonnnnnneeeyyyyyyyyy, I’m coming down the stairs and I’m hhhhooorrnnnnyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Oh, crap, just when I was about to go out the door and send for the free round of shotgun ammo. The Milford Post Office should still have their 24-hour drop box handy. And all I gotta do is send them a check for $56!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Honey, you’re not going anywhere but to bed with me. You can get your shotgun bullets some other time.”

“That’s what you think, Woman!!!!!!!!!!!! How can I shoot that 8-point buck dead on the mulch when I ain’t got no bullets to shoot with??? I might as well use my nephew’s Roy Rogers toy pistol on that critter. I am not only doing my part to keep The Bucket safe from the Taliban but I’m getting free merchandise when deer season rolls around.”

“Darling, somebody else wants to roll around and have some fun along the way.”

“Mrs. Shaw, you just don’t get it. I am fighting these Commies from Guatemala who want to infiltrate Milford Sporting Goods or Milford Federal by planting bombs in the Fishing Gear Department at the sporting goods store. My generous contribution of $83.57 will help those on the front line of Milford Anti-Terrorist League to stand watch to ensure that not a catcher’s mitt nor a safe deposit box will get blown in the sky. And I get a free crockpot out of the transaction!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Man, slow-cooked deer meat is the best Thanksgiving grub.”

“Honey, let’s put away all these toys and come pway wid anudder widdle toy and dis toy don’t cost nudding.”

“Forget you!!!!!!!!!!!!! There’s insurgents in Luxembourg that are dead set on sabotaging Milford Discount Furniture Outlet!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If we have nowhere to sit, we are just as dead as the Jews at Masada when the Romans came to call. And that Milford Anti-Terrorist League newsletter also said that for $88, not only will we keep Luxembourg back in Europe where they belong, we’ll get a free bar stool for aiding and abetting in the war on cowards.”

“Honey Bunny, I think you can relax. Nobody from Andorrra is going to confiscate our bed.”

“T’Hell they ain’t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have documented evidence that terrorists in Bhutan were scheming to destroy every lawn mower in America. We not only would be crippled because we couldn’t cut our grass but the mosquitos population would breed four-fold as a result. We’d have a hard time fending off Bhutan when we’re sick in bed with malaria. But with a contribution of $101.37, Milford Anti-Terrorist League will send a free alarm system to install on our riding mowers or Echo trimmers or Poulan weed whackers. Them Commies will get buzzed red-handed if they even THINK about attempting to hock my Caterpiller ‘dozer into an unmarked station wagon. Talk about a chicken in every pot and a Snapper mower in every garage.”

“But do they guarantee erections in every bed? Well, do they?”

“She had me there. And it was time to ‘fess up to a problem that no contribution could cure, no matter how large. And at Milford Men’s Clinic, you are assured of having Erectile Dysfunction stopped dead in its tracks thanks to the friendly and competent medical team who work around the clock to help you get the fun you deserve. Swallow your pride and give them a call today. They will put your terrors to rest.”

Gang, Jesus Christ is Lord of my life. He has done much for me and I am thankful many times over, especially for family and friends. He has given me you, the audience, to keep me going. I thank you VERY much for your support.

I invite you to come accept Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord so that you can exoerience The Abundant Life as mentioned in John 10:10. You would be amazed if you give Him a chance.

But whatever God you serve, I wish you and your family and friends a VERY Happy Thanksgiving.

God bless you.

Lste Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Mimi Thorp Puts On Show For The Ages At Milford Girls-A-Go-Go Club On Thanksgiving; Free Pumpkin Pie Distributed To Patrons!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Go-Go insider reported that Mimi was trying to raise money for the volleyball team and it would receive portion of the proceeds.”

November 24, 2021

What the Hell, Milford?

What fresh hell is this? A one-score game and we get an exposition? What the hell, Rubin?

And Mudlarks? Your QB hurts his arm and you fall to pieces worse than Patsy Cline? He couldn’t run the ball or hand it off to your star tailback? You know, that star tailback who turns away fan mail from recruiters, who had the State U running backs coach show up in person only to blow him off? He couldn’t suck it up and put the offense on his shoulders? And what’s with your o-lineman who can’t throw a block unless he can believe in pseudoscience? What the hell, Thorp?

Same question goes to little gymnast volleyball girl: You can’t take responsibility for your own health, listen to your body when it tells you to dial it back a notch? You want to rely on the same pseudoscience lineman boy did and blame the QB when it predictably fails? What the hell, Kianna?

Gil Thorp has to be the worst motivator in the history of coaching. He’s no Kirby Smart, that’s for sure. Mimi’s not much better. Then again, what can you expect from a bunch of superstitious, undisciplined-ass tank town kids?

meta: Thanks, tdrew, for covering for me on Saturday.

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