This Week in Milford

November 18, 2019

Marty Uses Dr. Frazier Crane’s Catchphrase

Filed under: Fontastic, Marty Moon, Pissy faced Chet Ballard — nedryerson @ 8:24 am

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So this is going where we kinda thought it was going. Chet Ballard’s anonymous tip to The Milford Star went nowhere, so he’s taking his grievances down to the lower levels of the Milford media landscape. Hello, Marty Moon.

Let’s start with the best part of this development: We’re introduced to a new drinking establishment somewhere in the Milford area. It’s The Anchor Bar (or maybe it’s The Anchor Bap or even The Anchor Bop). It’s a classy place where a classy guy like Chet Ballard can drink a bottle of beer. It also has a big sign…maybe, that second panel is just confusing, geometrically speaking.

So Chet appears to be easing into his airing of grievances, mixing in his general displeasure with Gil’s coaching results (“He never wins the big games”) with a ginned up version of Sam Finn’s trip to the ER. (Sam collapsed because a virus was spreading around at home…or that’s what Gil would have us believe wink wink).

We’ll wait and see how Marty reacts to any of this. We’ll also wait to see how Chet broaches the subject of Chance Macy’s checkered past as well as how Marty reacts

Until this develops, I’ll just hang out here at The Anchor Bar and have a Negroni and a scotch egg. What’re you guys havin’?

November 16, 2019

Much Ado About Turnovers

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Well TWIMers, I think we’re justified in pulling this old chestnut back out of the fire. You didn’t have to be in the Houston Astros’ bullpen to see all this coming.

Sure enough, Gil’s poorly prepared Mudlarks collapsed like a house of cards against the Jeffs, Charlie Roh got his touches in garbage time, and pissy Chet Ballard got on the horn to Marty Moon.

Chet’s little prank call to Marjie didn’t put Chance on the bench; what makes him think calling Marty will do the same? That idea is as outdated as the physical inbox on his desk. Only Marty gets on-air digs at Gil; it’s in the call sign after all. Now it remains to be seen just how Moon will hold up the code of omertà he has with Thorp and give Ballard his comeuppance. Hot mike like B/Robby Howry, or something a bit more subtle?

A wee bit of credit where credit’s due: at least Chet didn’t run over or through that stop sign in front of his car while he was dissing Gil. If he had, his next call might have been to Del Bader’s lawyer.

November 15, 2019

New month. Same old problems

Filed under: actual action, football, Gil Thorp, Milford Idiots — robmize2013 @ 11:24 pm

A week after we last played a game the only thing thats changed is the calendar. The Mudlarks are predictably rusty after the layoff that was all about improving Chet Chitchats attitude toward the running of the football team, and he’s still bitching about Gils use of his china doll Charlie Roh. Hey Chet — you are a parent, not a coach. You dont get to decide who plays. This isnt about massaging egos. Its about winning and displaying sportsmanship, neither of which are in evidence here.

P1 looks like the Larks  called a screen pass,  letting the linemen in and throwing over them while the O-line is blocking downfield. But evidently the pass isnt high enough, and is a pick 6. Big deal. But in Milford land we go from that to 30-7. The roof caved in in 1 panel. We take a week to watch Marjie go over the mysterious phone message, then we skip over a 2-hour game in 1 panel. Dont you love the pace of this strip? Consistent as fresh cement.

By the time Chet looks back at the field the players will be back on the bus.

** With all the recent drawings of Marjie I thought I’d see if there were any errors of consistency by the artist. I thought maybe her hair length was longer in a couple panels but not really. But I did find something– Oct 24 she has 2 bracelets on her left wrist walking in to talk to Gil, and Oct 25 she only has a single wristwatch on that left hand. Otherwise she was drawn pretty much the same.

November 14, 2019

1, 2, 3, KICK THIS PLOT!!!

Filed under: actual action, football, Jefferson Jeffs — tdrewhardin @ 11:00 am

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And we’re off to the races as we are seeing some football after Gil’s wandering 40 weeks in the desert. And with a lot on the line, there is admittedly some excitement building.

But what better way to experience the equivalent of a hangover than to realize Thorpiverse will find a way to rain on Milford 60th Annual Thanksgiving Day Parade. Maybe Bullwinkle will survive as a float. One can hope.

Still, I’m crossing my fingers that all will be well and that there will be no hitches as two giants have it out on the gridiron in the middle of November. If you’re a football fan, especially high school, you can’t ask for a better script, literally and otherwise.

Even if the Jefferson kicker is catapulting his foot in a perpetually clockwise position so the we learn how the formula 2pi × r was invented, I still think we are on the Royal Road to Football Sanity. Let no man ignorant of designing a decent football plot enter these doors.  Plato couldn’t have said it any better.

So the next time you see your grandma imitate Big Ben with her lower appendages while she’s shopping in the Dairy Department at Wal-Mart, faint not. She will learn, eventually, that the whole is equal to the sum of inane plots and greater than any one of them. She’s just got to see the Big Picture when contorting your tibiae to conform to circumference. The game is bigger than your grandma’s butt or legs, hey, I’m not going to pull teeth even if this plot is doing exactly that.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Parade Float Blows Away, Winds Up On O.J.’s Condo Property!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“When I saw it, I’m wonderin’ how did Raggedy Ann land on my Maserati? The helium ruined the timing chain in my car.”

One thing we have learned thus far. Jefferson is displaying Nike’s new line of cleats, the Cycloid Hurricane special. Those cleats come in handy should Tropical Storm Marty ever hit Milford the way it hit the coastline.

And haven’t we had enough geometry for one season? I have seen more polylaterals on a guy’s hi-top Keds in one game than I ever dream existed in my Geometry I textbook in one semester.

“DOUG FLUTIE HEAVES IT!!!!!!!!!!! AND BOSTON COLLEGE WINS ON A MIRACLE CAT-dude, look at those trapezoids on that receiver’s shoes. I didn’t know Pic-Way sold those in burgundy.”

 

If ya win the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Turkey Shoot ‘n’ Scramble at the Milford Conser-va-shun Club cuz yore opponent’s shotgun got disqualified cuz the rules disallow all weaponry, including Bowie knives, from displayin’ green clovers and blue diamonds plus whatever the hell else they cram in the Lucky Charms box at Milford Paper & Box factory, ya might be a redneck.

 

Now don’t let Thorpiverse fool ya. The game is getting interesting which is hoping it will lull the TWIMers into a false sense of security. Does anybody REALLY think the plot calls for Jefferson to run up the score, thereby rendering Bluto Beardsley Ballard essentially useless for future concerns? Yeah, right.

As long as his son gets 334 yards and a couple of nice TD runs, Jefferson could put the 4th string in the 3rd quarter when they’re up 234-21 and you aren’t going to hear a word out of Bluto. Not to us readers, anyway. Maybe to his son, building him up as the next Red Grange. And MAYBE to Gil, saying he sucks as a non-coach. MAYBE.

But as Franku pointed out, there are parents that just want their own little Johnny or Janie to succeed, teamwork be damned. God, I encountered plenty of those in my career.

So anybody wishing to challenge me that Chet will disappear because the plot took the “let the cards fall where they may” route and that fair play will rule even if Jefferson does wind up kicking Milford’s ass, albeit not by a ridiculous score mentioned above, boy, do I have some shopping baskets from Milford Beverage Warehouse to sell ya cheap. You can always put your marigolds in there when you’re not shopping for vodka and Chee-tos.

The score will be dictated by where Bluto fits in the scheme of things. Yup, he not only evidently has the School Board wrapped around his finger and the Superintendent as a drinking buddy, he’s also twisting the plotline’s arm.

Buy hey, he can always spare a shopping basket for the Superintendent to store his vacation photos when the latter and his wife went to the Cayman Islands from the trip they won on Wheel of Fortune.

“So tell us a little about yourself.”

“I’m a spineless school official who handles brutes with fleas in their beards and a heavy dose of B.O. in order to keep the education process functional.”

“Wow, that must keep you busy.”

 

Gang, any of you Georgia Wrestling on WTBS remember The Fabulous Free Birds, a tag team duo that predictably had “Free as a Bird” by Lynyrd Skynyrd as their mantra when they were introduced? Naturally, they were the good guys and Gordon Solie, the off-gravelly-voiced announcer for years, did his part to build them up.

Not surprisingly, they had a falling out, the way the script many times played out in these things, no doubt taking a cue from Thorpiverse. Anyway, Michael Hays stayed the Good Guy and Terry Gordy became the Bad Guy, calling himself the Dirty White Boy (Foreigner played the song, in case anyone wants to know) and flashing his pillowy gut, sexy in a strange way, every chance he got.

Well, of course, Michael Hays always got a round of applause every time he came out to interview but just about every time he did, Gordy and some flunkee would drag him in the ring and rub his face in the mat. It was entertaining see the different Revlon colors on his cheek every week and many times it caused continuity errors by being on the wrong cheek. Then there were times someone used a charcoal pencil and did graffiti all over his face. They really wanted to get the fans in the 3-row stands in a frenzy over Gordy. Even if they had to use Magic Markers to make his injuries look authentic.

It worked. And the crowd of course cheered on Hays every time he literally got his nose rubbed in it and the Omni, where they wrestled when the Atlanta Hawks were oit of town, was always sold out for this. As Ron Hudspeth, a well-respected newspaper writer for the Atlanta Constitution once said, you can fool some of the people most of tge time.

So when I saw P2 today, I was wondering if that was Gordy doing a number on Tiki Jansen. If Tiki shows up in the cafeteria with Cover Girl Rouge on his face, my suspicions are confirmed.

 

Early one morning on WDIG-TV

“Okayyyyyyyy, Boys and Girls, how many of you want to win free Mudlar-K-Cola Chocolate Fudge Fizz in the 6-Pack Kiddie Size for life?”

YAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY

“Well, if you do a cannon ball in that kiddie pool of piranhas and don’t get eaten-”

“Bozo, what happened to your face? You got scrapes all over it.”

“Oh that? Well, some mean man with a belly that’s been bathing in Twinkies too long did a really bad thing. But don’t worry, he’ll get what’s coming to him this Friday at the Milford Gardens.”

“Can we come?”

“Well, Boys and Girls, the only way to get tickets is if you stick your head in that lion’s mouth. Now don’t worry, we pulled out his teeth before the show.”

 

Yesterday’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Snoopy Stuck In Sycamore Tree At Milford Country Club Golf Course.”

sub headline

“Golf Pro at MCC: ‘Why couldn’t they have moved the parade to Christmas? We had to move back our Annual Black Friday Golf Shootout-Shotgun Start. We’ll never get Snoopy out before the Mayor does the honorary tee-off.”

 

“Uhhhhhhhh, Bozo, I understand youuuuu have a match with a one Terry Gordy this coming Friday indeed. Care to elaborate?”

“That’s right, Gordon. Friday night, 8:00 P.M. at the Milford Gardens will be a date with destiny. Yeah, Gordy, I saw what you did with Tiki Jansen. Yeah, you thought it was pretty funny when Gil finally did SOMETHING and wiped that tire tread mark off with sandpaper but-”

“Son, it don’t matter where we do our rasslin, ya got the time, I got the muscle ta take you or any of yore other yellow-bellied clowns at the Milford Gardens, Gil’s garage, the Mudlark Girls Gym, wherever-”

“Now hold on, Terry, you’ll get your chance to interview. Folks, we need to take a station break indeed…”

 

Now you have to admit, if P3 is any indication, that we’re in for a doozy of a ball game, even by Thorpiverse’s molasses-sluggish standards. The Jefferson runner in his Howard Twilley Quadrilateral Nike Specials prove that.

It just gets tainted by that connect-the-dot skyline in the background. I mean, really, if I were to use my #2 pencil, the spare I didn’t use at the Milford High School SAT Testing site, I might unfortunately find out that Ursa Major is really a conglomerate of Gil in his shower cap after he had just gotten out of the shower using Head & Shoulders, when all the stars are accounted for? Oops, I forgot Polaris. I wouldn’t anybody to know Gil has hair but no forehead. Well, that’s pretty much the case but that’s supposed to magically reappear if you’ve faithfully been following the pattern in sequence with your #2.

In the end, someone on the Mudlarks surely has Twilleys of his own to keep the score honest. Maybe ones with a frustum?

 

“We’re here, uhhhhhhhhh, talking with Michael Hays and Tiki Jansen. Gentlemen, your visages are not in their proper conditions indeed. Tiki, I understand you’re, uhhhhhh, not too thrilled after Mr. Gordy rubbed your face in the gridiron especially when a one Gil Thorp just stood back and watched.”

“That’s right, Gordon, and Friday night, 8:30 at The Milford Gardens, me and my partner here are going to be taking care of some business. Gil and Terry, you may think this white powder on my face, the kind you line the field with before the game is funny but me and Michael Hays will have the last laugh.”

“Preach it, Tiki. Cuz y’all been flappin’ our jaws about how your gonna run us out of Milford. Well, this Friday, this lipstick on my cheek is gonna come off and it’s gonna go right back on you. Gil, you’re gonna look funny with Maybelline in your hair and on your face.”

Tiki and Michael Hays leave, the 3-row seat audience on WDIG-TV in a lather

“Formidable words, indeed. We’ll be right back after these messages. Don’t go away.”

 

“Man, all this football and rasslin’ is making me dizzy. Of course, you know that stuff’s all fake and I would never hurt Tiki in a million years. I might still stand on the sidelines with my thumb up my ass but I personally witnessed Michael Hays get his scratch mark stenciled in. They had to use Crayolas on Tiki.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse and boy do we have some colorful selections. This coach is going to get a case of Corona Extra in the six-pack variety after this match, er, game, win, lose, or default. And he’s only going to be forking over $7.49. Hey, that’s what happens when you save up all that loose change from the Teacher Retirement Fund and store it in your Sun Tea Jumbo Jar.

And Skrewball Peanut Butter Whiskey? Choosy moms choose this bad boy to unwind after a long day of grocery shopping for the slumber party for the kids this weekend. No Jif is necessary here and it’s a steal at $28.99.

And The Warehouse has some great news. It is opening up its own gas station, right behind the Milford Foundry. Now you can get your booze and a fill-up practically in the same spot. Just head down a few hundred feet and the nozzle is as good as you drinking up The Good Life.

And with a purchase of Budweiser Black Lager, $10.49 by my count, you can earn fuel points when you’re on the go. Just hand the receipt to the clerk in the window and watch the gallons rack up, even on the diesel pump. B truck drivers couldn’t ask for any better.

And you quiche-eating namby-pambies are in for a treat. With a purchase of Josh Cellars Cabernet Sauvignon at $15.99, you not only are robbing the store but you’ll be robbing the pumps with a free fill-up. Lexus, Dodge Ram pickup, Mopeds, whatever vehicle you used to maneuver to the Warehouse, it all pumps thesame when you use those fuel points like a Snickers bar. Man, that’s some good eatin’.

Folks, bring the whole family down here where you can get your Michelob Ultra to hoist along on your next family outing at Mudlark Lake and still watch the kids pump the gas. Sounds like Quality Time to me. Start your own Fuel Points ledger and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Thank you for your patience, Gang. You all mean everything to me. Our TWIMers are great human beings as well as great commentators. Great combination.

 

CUZ I’M A DIRTY WHITE BOY

 

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Gil, head to the Clinic. They have extended for Christmas.”

“Didn’t Foreigner do Cold as Ice?” Gil sings

YOU’RE WILLING TO SACRIFICE OUR LOVE

“Get your butt to The Clinic, Gil.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

November 13, 2019

You’ve Got a Friend in Thorpsylvania

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Having enlisted Niah Peters (who has a Twitter feed if nothing else) to join Gil’s little Clue Club, Marjie Ducey now seeks to expand its ranks by having Niah dime on Chet Ballard’s “friend” on the school board. Presumably that’s the aforementioned Carol, who really hasn’t acted very friendly toward Chet. I guess offering advice to mind his own business instead of immediately ratting him out to the rest of the school board qualifies as friendship in the high-stakes world of school administration.

Having freed himself of the burden of confronting anyone directly, Gil can finally turn attention back to his day job… coaching sportsball. Gil’s been spending so much time sleuthing that he’s forgotten about preparing his amazingly one-loss Mudlarks for their upcoming tilt against Jefferson. That lack of preparation should lead to a blowout loss at the hands of the Jeffs, which will serve Gil twofold:

  1. The loss will eliminate Milford from the playdowns, keeping Gil from having to prep for football and basketball concurrently;
  2. With the game out of reach, he can give Charlie Roh plenty of touches in garbage time, then wait to overhear more of Ballard’s self-incriminating postgame babble to his stepson.

Join us tomorrow for another episode of Gil Thorp Mysteries. Maybe Gil will have recruited a wisecracking ghost and an anthropomorphic animal or two into his posse by then.

November 12, 2019

Elephant? What Elephant? In This Room?

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Drinking my Maxwell House one day, puttin’ the vinyl “Double Fantasy” on the turntable

 

People say it’s silly

Lost and confused

 

TWIMers think it’s messy

Blowing my fuse

 

When Chet exclaims with a straight beard

That Dumbo’s not around

I flip a coin between Gil and Chet

For who’s the bigger clown

 

I’m just sittin’ here watchin’ this plot spin ’round ‘n’ ’round

I really loathe this cruddy show

 

May we depart this hopeless merry-go-round

We just got to let it go

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Bruce Wayne Is Removed As A Suspect In Batman Case!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford Transportation Board spokesman said that Batmobile required a B License Endorsement, something not presently in Mr. Wayne’s possession.”

 

Okay, let me first throw my hat in the ring on the legitimate comments by our TWIMers in relation to education and the newspapers.

It has been my experience that the bigger cities (100,000 or more) are able to sustain a newspaper with its own education reporter. My own city I grew up in, which was in the category I mentioned above, has had for several years and currently has a beat writer covering the news pertaining to schools in the area.

The problem I personally am encountering here is, based on my experiences with reading Gil Thorp (“More fun than a barrel of monkeys”) , Milford is about the size of, say, Vincennes, Indiana or Henderson, Kentucky, 2 cities able to sustain a Wal-Mart and possibly a Kohl’s or Home Depot but still only capable of supporting one public high school and occasionally, as in Vincennes’ case, a private high school, Rivet (Rih-VAY), a Catholic High School.

Therefore, it’s dicey whether the Small Town Gazette is going to carry it’s own education section or have the financial resources to support a reporter in a specialized field like education. Anything’s possible but again too dicey for me.

But this is Thorpiverse and anytime you can get a beat writer like Niah Peters in this case to sit on the upper left-hand drawer when it’s locked shut and discuss with “We’re unclear whether she’s the de facto editor” Ducey about the rhino that escaped Milford Petting Zoo, the logic I mentioned above might as well get thrown in the big pot at Milford High School cafeteria along with the other ingredients in the 12 cans of Campbell’s Chunky Vegetable. Use a spoon, you’ll want to get every drop.

And WHO ELSE do you go to if you suspect a problem? I always thought that’s what School Board meetings are for. If there’s a strong suspicion (and this one’s arm pits are smellin’ PRETTY STRONG) that someone’s not on the up-and-up, what else CAN YOU DO? If the rhino is not in the petting area with the rest of the lambs and goats to feed a bottle of formula, do you go to Bozo the Pope and tell him a rhino is NOT in the room with the elephant? I always thought that’s what a zoo director is for. But let me cross-reference my sources. I’ll get back with you on that one.

Then there’s Janis Ian talking to someone with a neo-Jefferson Airplane hairdo-OH THAT’S MARJIE “SCOOP” DUCEY-about the possible repercussions should they challenge Chet to a toro fight at Milford Municipal Bull Ring. I think the gist of the conversation is that el toreador would be flattened by Big Butt Ballard, beard and all, should they go the procedural route. Okay, okay, I know some of you hoity-toitys out there think they shouldn’t ignore protocol and you might have a point.

But I gotta be fair about this and I am therefore enlisting the aid of Dragnet once again to see if we can resolve this one.

1:29PM. It was cool in Milford. The city had just been hit with snow flurries that tapered off right in line with our investigation. Bill and I were transferered over to the Recreational and Athletic Suspicious and Unwarranted Activity Division of the Juvenile Delinquent Department. The boss is Captain Peters.

We were advised to be on the alert for occurences at the Milford football games in relation to a one Chet Ballard. He was believed to be harboring dirty laundry and illegal records pertaining to one of his stepson’s teammates, Chance Macy. Witnesses said they saw him loading that stuff with a spade shovel in his trunk. We could nail him on Milford Penal Code Section 34 Article 9 Clause 103 “Illegal and Unlawful Work-Related Incidents with Intent to Self-Promote Family and Self, Including Domesticated Animals in Household” but without a search warrant, the only other way we could get him to open his trunk and display the spare records and spare tire was if he lost his key and asked me and Bill for a crowbar. The investigation was running colder than a Bucket Slushee.

Captain Peters suggested I talk to the School Superintendent. A fair proposition. One problem. While conversing with him and Gil down at the Milford Lounge, he informed me (the superintendent, not Gil) that this was out of his bailiwick. His job was to make sure the cafeteria ladies at Milford High had plenty of Handi-Wipes when handling the cheeseburgers so kids wouldn’t contract E. Coli or procure slaughterballs for gym class at Milford Elementary out of the catalogue of Classroom Paraphenalia. Fighting a guy whose razor had seen better days and was now shaving cow hairs for better milk production was not his cup of tea or the flask of Jack he was imbibing. The superintendent wasn’t going to get his retirement doing the right thing even if a sleazeball knew how to work the system the way he maneuvered his Trac II.

“Bill, let’s go get something to eat.”

“What about the case?”

“Hopeless. I could run him out of town on a Section 97 “Unwarranted and Illegal Entry into Public Building” but he could say he was in the Milford School Corporation Annex because his diarrhea medicine was kicking in and the Milford Park Public Unisex House was shut down for the season.”

“Back to square one, aren’t we?”

“Looks that way.”

“I heard the Superintendent tips pretty good at Milford Lounge, I’ll say that for him.”

“We could use some tips from him, all right”

Obligatory somber Dragnet music pipes in

 

Yesterday’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Cleared In Batman Case!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I asked the judge if he could see me in my blue Fruit of the Loom’s fightin’ The Riddler. I think that was the turning point.”

 

People say it’s stupid

Lacking a clue

 

TWIMers call it tepid

Ridiculous too

 

When the hippo dances with the crocs

And crush the furniture

Because nobody bothers to duly note

Chet’s self-imprimatur

 

We’re just sittin’ here watchin’ this plot drag ’round ‘n’ ’round

We’re gettin’ dizzy from all the snow

No need to further prod this merry-go-round

Why don’t we let it go.

 

THE HAND IS BACK

 

You Dark Shadows junkies like yours truly know exactly what I’m talking about.

And what a bad time for it to return, participating in a meaningless and pointless discussion that really shouldn’t be on the agenda in the first place. Heck, send The Hand to scare the living daylights out of Chet like it did us Shadows junkies, otherwise, it might as well be doing Karaoke in P2

At 2:34 A.M. in Chet’s bedroom

“You were always on my minddddddddd-”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA, GIL, I KNOW IT’S LATE BUT I CONFESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I POCKMARKED CHANCE MACY’S TRANSCRIPTS SO CHARLIE COULD START AT RUNNING BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE REALLY DIDN’T FLUNK ‘METALS FOR LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENTS’ OR ‘ADVANCE LATIN’!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST GET IT AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“Who was that?”

Gil half-asleep

“I think it was Chet. Something about Chance not getting a D- in Geometry 2 because some hand was grabbing his butt and giving him a wedgie.”

 

Well, if anybody has a better suggestion…

Otherwise, we can always call The Orkin Man as long as we’re going to eliminate valid options. The School Board room is going to look silly because it has personnel either on the School Board or in the Administration Building not willing to observe proper practices because it’s overthinking and overlooking the obvious, along with our cub reporters, but the room will be roach-free. I think that’s an even trade-off.

 

And as for P3, Mr. Lennon proves a song is worth a thousand words

People say it’s cheesy

Got bad reviews

 

TWIMers hate the premise

Yesterday’s news

 

When we fear a gutless myrmidon

With scruples in his beard

School Board regulations

Go the way of a rabic steer

 

We’re just sittin’ here watchin’ this tripe fling ’round ‘n’ ’round

We really hate the rigamarole

Why don’t we cease and switch to basketball

We just have to let it roll

 

WE JUST HAVE TOOOOOOOOOOO LET IT ROLL

Got message?

 

Because I’m a Classic Rock fan who saw Hard Rock in an ad but learned that they were referring to a man’s Erectile Dysfunction and the healing powers thereof

In the basement den late one night, the door double-locked, Coach Shaw blasting The Who

“Honnneeeeyyyyyyy, My ears are scorched and so are my flashes. It’s time to come to beddy bye and have some funnnnnnnnnnn.”

“Not now, Mrs. Shaw, I’m practicing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Honey, What are you breaking? I hope it’s not the Chippendale chair that belonged to my grandfather.”

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Shaw, I have a vise grip that’s holding all these light bulbs I bought at McShane’s Hardware. I’m pretendin’ I’m Pete Townshend and I’m doing a killer windmill with this ukulele, when I’m not smashing it to bits…

LONG LIVE ROCK, I NEED IT EVERY NIGHT

LONG LIVE ROCK

BE DEAD OR ALIVE

 

“Darling, we can do ‘Live at Leeds’ another time. Why don’t you Rock ‘n’ Roll with me?”

“Just when Won’t Get Fooled Again’ s on the turntable? How can you profane a classic like Who’s Next? Heck, I’m doing the part where Keith’s taking a leak at Stonehenge or wherever they hauled that rock from.”

I’LL TIP MY HAT TO THE NEW CONSTITUTION

TAKE A BOW FOR THE NEW REVOLUTION

 

SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Them GE 100-Watt Heat Lamp bulbs will never know what hit ’em with me and Pete smashin’ ’em like overripe pumpkins. Ain’t that the name of a group?”

“Overripe Pumpkins?”

“I thought it was Smashing Cantaloupes”

“Dear, at any rate, at least Loony Moonie dropped his pants on the album cover.”

SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Excusez-moi, Mrs. Shaw, but Roger and me just conked out a lava lamp while twirling our mikes. We’ll clean up the mess later.”

WHY SHOULD I CARE IF I HAVE TO

CUT MY HAIR

I’VE GOT TO MOVE WITH THE FASHION

OR BE OUTCAST

I KNOW I SHOULD FIGHT BUT MY OLD MAN

IS REALLY ALL RIGHT

AND I’M STILL LIVING AT HOME EVEN THO

IT WON’T LAST

“Honey, you won’t be living at home much longer either if you don’t perform a windmill on me.”

SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Just when Quadrophenia is heating up!!!!!!!!!!! And I got some Gorilla-Gro that I applied on my chest so I can have a sexy front like Roger. King Kong twirling a mike to The Punk and The Godfather will drive even the teeny-boppers for Frankie wild. And damn, I thought the Overture would never end. Kinda like the game the other day.”

IF YOU COMPLAIN, YOU DISAPPEAR

JUST LIKE THE LESBIANS AND QUEERS

Coach Shaw blowing on song flute in a well-intentioned attempt to imitate Entwistle’s French horn interlude

YOU’LL START DANCING

 

SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Shit!!!!!!!!!!!!! I smashed my trophy case!!!!!!! Hope the antlers are OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

“I had to learn the meaning of Hard Rock the hard way. And when my Significant Other was lamer than a dead snake in our back yard, no matter how many windmills I did, I knew it was time to come clean and get my butt down to Milford Men’s Clinic. With proven traetments and proper medication, I can now whip myself in a frenzy from Baba O’Riley and my wife is caught up in the whirlwind and lovin’ it. Isn’t it time you and Pete laid down your guitar and checked in? Your concerts will truly be hard as Rock. Only at The Clinic.”

 

Gang, thank you SO MUCH for your patience. Trying to work this blog in while juggling my new job is a challenge but as Coach Stuard taught me, you learn to get around it. I am thankful for loyal and patient readers like you TWIMers. God bless you all.

 

“IbelieveinMIRACLES

Where you from

You sexy thing-”

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Gil, did you forget to go to The Clinic again???”

Turns off Hitachi Sound System in his office

“They were closed for the holiday.”

 

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Shaw Banned For Life From Milford Holiday Inn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Local resident drove the family station wagon into the swimming pool.”

November 11, 2019

The Education Beat

Filed under: Marjie Ducey, Substandard Sherlocks, Walking and Talking — nedryerson @ 6:34 am

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Last week, Gil shared his suspicions about Chet Ballard with Marjie Ducey. He was just “curious” if it was Chet who called the Milford Star with an anonymous tip about Chance Macy’s record of misbehavior in school.

Now it looks like Marjie is picking up the ball and running with it. There might be a story here! So she’s conferring with a new character, Niah. She’s an education writer at The Star.

What? I’m gonna have to let that sink in. There’s an “education writer” at The Star? Does Niah cover the school board? Has she ever covered any of the other weird goings on in the school system, like reality shows filming at Milford High or assorted school board blowhards getting smacked down by Coach Thorp? Given the idiocy that has gone on in Milford, I’m going to assume that up until this point, the press has not served as a bulwark against unethical practices in the school system. So I’m going to assume that the Star’s education beat probably just involves putting bus schedules and cafeteria menus in print. Which means Marjie might be on her own in developing solid sources.

Maybe Niah will prove me wrong. If she truly has a nose for a story like this, she might just snatch it away from Marjie and run with it in the hopes of raising her profile and getting out of Tank Town. Or maybe we could have a chick fight to lift us out of the doldrums.

November 9, 2019

“*69” or “Marjie Got Her Crank Yanked”

gt11092019

Poor Marjie. Got a voicemail from a mysterious caller and can’t figure out who it was. If only there was some kind of technology that would allow someone to see who called them… technology that existed oh, say, a quarter of a century ago.

Really, does anyone think Chet has the wherewithal to use caller ID spoofing? He doesn’t even have the self-awareness to not blurt out broad hints that he knows Chance’s backstory within earshot of anyone who could make those hints have consequences.

Give Marjie some credit, though: she knew Gil thought Chet was the prank caller without him ever saying so. (Oh, wait, that’s called exposition.) As for Gil’s curiosity, nothing a little trip to the weight room showers faculty lounge wouldn’t fix. Time to put ol’ beardo Ballard on the defensive and start him on down the path off the school board and into the family doghouse.

Today’s post has an alternate title in homage to Rocky and Bullwinkle.

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