This Week in Milford

July 11, 2007

Ease up, Kaz!

Filed under: Coach Kaz, ease up — jasbeattie @ 8:46 am

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Only three days into the summer storyline and we’re already chock-full of awesomeness!

First, we get to check out rockin’ Gail Martin. I can’t quite peg who she looks like…perhaps the love child of Janis Joplin and Willie Nelson? Though I’m sure the reason she’s so popular is her awkward clapping and the fact that she spends the entire concert singing into a baked potato. But I’d guess the high-tech Fisher Price “My First Sound System” is provided by the Central City concert hall. Perhaps they advertise every concert as “one night only” since every act storms out of there when they see how crappy the equipment is.

Then…conflict!! It’s drunk yelling idiot concert-goer versus Kaz the uptight concert-goer. Let’s breakdown the match-up:

Drunk Guy Pros:

  • Knows the name of Gail’s biggest hit and can yell it.
  • Probably drunk enough to not feel pain when Kaz breaks his spine in half.

Drunk Guy Cons:

  • Doesn’t know how to properly cup his hands around his mouth to amplfy his yell. Instead prefers far less effective hands-over-ears method. 
  • Badmouths opera.

Kaz Pros:

  • “Ease up, friend!” is easily the best sentence the big lug has ever uttered.
  • Has body of He-Man action figure, capable of destroying all who oppose him.

 Kaz Cons:

  • He’s that tool at the concert who doesn’t realize he should just ignore the drunk idiot. Ease up, Kaz! Trying to engage the drunk guy in logical conversation never ends well.
  • He’s managed to piss off his girlfriend who immediately recognizes he’s being that tool.

Now we just have to cross our fingers and hope for a violent resolution to this. One thing is certain: Those Hanna Barbara background characters are gonna look the same no matter what happens.

July 10, 2007

This post one day only!

Filed under: Neal's friends — jasbeattie @ 8:22 am

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The dialogue and pacing of this strip is very weird. Mainly because the third panel is devoted to a giant marquee sign of someone completely random…when Kelly or Bob could have easily dropped Gail Matin’s name in their fascinating two-panel discussion of her.  (Bob seems about as interested in the concert as I am right now. Wait…one night only in Central City? Crap, I can’t believe I didn’t get tickets!)

So who is Gail Martin? Is she supposed to be a fictional star? Well, my patented Research-’til-I-Get-Bored turned up the following:

  • Gail Martin was the trombone player on the classic Beach Boys album “Pet Sounds.” Nah that doesn’t sound right.
  • One of Dean Martin’s daughters, Gail Martin, recorded a few 45s in the 1960s…Not really a rock n’ roll Carole King though. And that would make this comic take place in the 1980s, which doesn’t jive with the occasional awkwardly inserted modern cultural reference.
  • However, as I was reaching the edge of research boredom, I came across this article, written by none other than Mr. Neal Rubin! Seems he is a friend of the above mentioned Gail Martin (now Gail Martin Downey) and a couple years ago they attended a Vegas show, “The Rat Pack is Back.” So there ya go: Our rock star Gail Martin may be fictional, but the real Gail joins the cast of Neal’s name-dropped friends.

More importantly, where the hell is this going? Maybe Kaz will get pulled up on stage, start rockin’ out, and end up on tour for the summer. Hey, why not? You have a better idea?

July 9, 2007

…no plans except drinkin’ ya under the table, Thorp!

Filed under: Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp — jasbeattie @ 10:22 am

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Aha, so my suspisions were true! The coaches did spend 90% of the spring and early summer in the bar drinkin’, didn’t they? At least that explains Gil’s “decision making” and Kaz’s virtual absence from pretty much every game and practice. Way to go guys! If we’re lucky, the plot for the summer will consist of Kaz and Gil getting progressively more wasted each week, discussing their exciting lack of plans, until they each vomit and/or pass out in the mens’ room. (The side plot, incidentally, will be a series of vignettes where Gregory Peck and some anorexic old people stumble around town having wacky adventures in front of buildings.)

More likely, it appears there may be some exciting* Kaz and Kelly dating hijinks! If you’re one of the less obsessed freaks who reads this site, you likely wonder “Who the hell is Kelly?” Well, no fear…I’m here to help!

Kelly Krystek is a local travel agent (and most likely never busy, because nobody in Milford “travels” as far as I can tell) who called into Von Haney’s stupid radio show about two years ago. They went out a couple times, though after her ex started threatening Von, he foiled any violent attempt on his life by using some thrilling flashlight trickery. As totally flippin’ sweet as that was, she decided she was too old for him, so that November, Von set her up with ol’ Bob Kazinski. We were spared the details of this budding romance, but if you haven’t zoned out yet, you can see a two strip double date with the Thorps last summer, or increasingly boring apprearances here and here. As far as I can tell, she hasn’t appeared in the strip in over a year. Why have I gone into such detail? ‘Cause, hell,  I looked it up and figured that such awesome research needed to be shared. Also, the panel where Kaz is holding a burger on his date is captivatingly freaky and needs to be seen.

Wow, I worked up quite a thirst doing this! Time to join Gil and Kaz at the 9 AM happy hour at the Milford Pub…

*Oops, I meant to say “not exciting.”

July 8, 2007

Yancey needs a new pair of pants

Filed under: lessons learned, Milford Idiots — jasbeattie @ 3:02 pm

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Lessons Learned from the 2007 Milford Boys Baseball Season:

Lesson #1: An old man telling made-up stories is by far the most interesting thing in the whole town. Apparently Mark Jeske’s PS3 is broken.

Lesson #2: Judging from the folks featured in the first panel, One-Legged Bill Ritter is going to have a lot of company at the Special Olympics this summer.

Lesson #3: Why did Clambake do all this? Why, for the free jacket of course. That sweatshirt of his was getting downright ripe and he needed a new top.

Lesson #4: The only person who learned anything from this mess? Clambake. He learned not to lie about his identity and make up stories or there might be zero consequences and a free jacket. And now it’s time to skip to Raleigh…Yancey needs a new pair of pants! 

Alright, let’s bring on the two months of nonsensical summer stories!

July 6, 2007

Ken Covers Up Everything with His Enormous Hands!

Filed under: Just plain sad, Milford Idiots — jasbeattie @ 9:04 am

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So I guess it hadn’t dawned on me that the rest of the team was still oblivious to the fact that Clambake was really a Clamfake. Perhaps it was because when Ken confronted him, it appeared to be in the middle of the field, right before a game…you know, when all the other players are right there within earshot. In retrospect, I should have realized that any group of teens lame enough to be captivated by Yancey’s stories is also collectively dumb enough that they would have completely missed that whole conversation.

Ken Burger, being the extremely complex character that he is, has somehow quickly gone from loathing Clambake (and being the only player smart enough to ever question the crap that constantly spews from his mouth) to feeling sorry for the old guy. Perhaps Ken just realized how pathetic Clammy is, and that he’s not worth loathing. But far more likely is that the magical beams from space in the second panel have scrambled his brains to act as retardedly as the rest of the team. (The space aliens controlling the minds of all Milford residents highly frown on anything resembling normal human logic.)

Rick Bozich in the third panel is doin’ a great representation of the typical clueless player…

Clamfake: (Hanging head, looking forlorn, regretful and all around pathetic) Boys, I have to make a confession…
Ken: (Interupting, ever so subtly) HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Oh Clambake, you wacky old legitimate Negro League player! Are you going to confess to these morons that you want to tell them that story that definitely happened once, only this time, do it while almost crying? HA-HA-HA! You’re too much, you truth-teller, you! How about you shut your damn mouth and instead give me the most awkward high-five ever?
Rick: Me like that story. As good reporter, me not suspicious of this conversation at all. Me shall go write it in newspaper as fact. What mean “Check Sources?”

July 5, 2007

Analyzing this strip finally breaks Jason’s brain

Filed under: Milford Weirdos, photoshop fun, What the hell is going on here? — jasbeattie @ 9:31 am

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When you take on the bizarre task of critiquing “Gil Thorp” every day, after nearly a year it begins to break your brain. Originally today I was going to talk about the weird angles in the first panel (where is Gil’s arm going?), the strange, nearly disembodied heads in the second panel (if we didn’t know Gil was in a car, this panel would be ultra-wacko), and the nicely partially-drawn-before-completely-giving-up third panel…and then also try to explain how come everyone on the team wants to celebrate this boring old fraud as some sort of Stormy-level hero (Hey, I guess Clamfake did rescue as many people from burning cars as Stormy did. Maybe he deserves a medal from the mayor.)

But then instead, for some reason I started messing around in Photoshop with the second panel…and what I came up with makes absolutely no sense…Then again, neither does this comic. So anyway, enjoy (or be frightened by) the results of a brain broken by 11 months of Milford madness:

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Hey, at least now I may be qualified to go write episodes of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

July 4, 2007

Gil Thorp: All-American Dude

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Just plain sad — jasbeattie @ 10:46 am

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Sorry Gil, that logic doesn’t hold up. You left your team in the hands of a creepy old mailman who has a thing for lying to teenagers. You’re lazy and irresponsible…just as any good American should be. Happy July 4th from Milford’s best!

And yeah, apparently not only does Clamfake make up lame old-timey stories, he has the power to age teenagers 30 years with a single touch.

Now go watch some local explosions, eat lots of meat and get drunk with your neighbors. That’s what Gil’s doing. And hey, guess who he got to babysit?

July 3, 2007

7 things to do while waiting for this crap to end

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, Gil Thorp — jasbeattie @ 7:00 am

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OK, so despite my best efforts to kill this plotline, it’s still going…Yee gawds! So here are some fun things to do while waiting around to see what the summer in Milford will bring us:

1. Imagine Clambake speaking with the voice of Droopy Dawg in panel one.

2. Try to come up with a legitimate reason, other than laziness, why Gil waited this long to reveal Clambake was a fraud.

3. Determine what edible substance Clambake’s couch is made of.

4. Dress up like Yancey the Fraud! All you need is some old sweats, a white strip of tape, a bald cap, shaving cream and a pair of Lennon glasses. Then wander down to the local playground and start speaking to random children as if you were Clambake. Be amazed as they are absolutely fascinated by your babbling and don’t run in horror!*

5. Build a diorama of the Milford baseball field, using recent panels as reference. Go mad when you realize it defies all known laws of spatial relations.

6. Shave your head for all the wrong reasons.

7. Watch this clip 250 times or so.

*And when the police ask, it was your idea, not mine.

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