This Week in Milford

May 12, 2008

The Mexican dream: To Keep Elmer in America

Filed under: baseball, Boredom in Milford, Gil Thorp, Milford Idiots — jasbeattie @ 9:04 am


Gil checks in to ask English teacher Christina Fifield (an award-winning short story writer) for a date, but then she won’t shut the hell up about Elmer Vargas. Sensing competition for his affections, Gil vows to ignore Elmer’s problems. But then stupid Elmer won’t shut the hell up either. Fortunately, in his eighty years on this planet*, Gil has learned something Elmer hasn’t. The American government is too bureaucratic, too incompetent, and too uncaring to give a rat’s ass if you think you are living the American dream, even if that dream involves dad’s brick magic, growing a mullet and playing high school sports with your giant hands.


I guess your team is doing alright when you can afford to put your shortstop in to pitch the end of the game. But I want them to throttle someone so bad that they bring in Cully to toss the final inning.

Meanwhile, Gil’s diabolical plan to have Christina Fifield all to himself continues unabated  as we move closer to the anticipated Elmer deportation. But I’m curious…why did Elmer’s father wait until now to try to solve his family’s citizenship issues? He obviously knew it was a problem for years, but it was only after Elmer repeatedly asked to go to Ecuador that this whole thing got kicked into gear. So what is the deal? Other than incompetence, laziness, and/or bad parenting, I got no explanations here.

I do think that Elmer should be kicked out of town on principle, for showing up in Central City wearing that outfit. Hmmm, Central City? Keeping my fingers crossed that their lawyer is Drunken CAFE lout!

*Gil has only spent the second half of his life on Earth.


  1. Panel 1 from 5/10 is some ominous foreshadowing. “Paradise Lost”? Does this mean that Elmer’s valiant efforts are doomed for failure and everyone’s getting deported? Or perhaps it just means Gil’s totally striking out with the English teacher.

    Comment by El Santo — May 12, 2008 @ 9:58 am

  2. 5/10, Panel Two: what the hell is that next to Gil’s chin? A foot? Ew, it’s missing a toe. Oh Lord, Walter’s in town; what time is it, 3:30? He can get you a toe.

    5/12, Panel Three: is Elmer wearing a bolo tie?! Fantastic! I haven’t seen one of those since about 1978.

    Comment by jules — May 12, 2008 @ 10:02 am

  3. Prediction: Elmer and family get deported to Ecuador. While making a new home for themselves in the jungle, they come upon a wounded Big Ray of Jungle Patrol, who got hurt in a shootout with local drug lords. Thankful, Big Ray pulls some strings in the DEA and gets Elmer a green card in time for him to make the last game of the season (sometime in October), when he hits a game-winning home run that puts Milford in the playdowns.

    Comment by Scott de B. — May 12, 2008 @ 10:25 am

  4. Jimmy “Big Arms” hughes mops up against woebegone Madison. Gil wears his favorite sweater again (same as Saturday). Too bad sexy Christina Fifield prefers snappy dressers. Like Elmer.

    Comment by sir douglas — May 12, 2008 @ 10:26 am

  5. Hey man, the shortstop on a high school team is always the shortest kid, and therefore works really hard to compensate, even on his pitching. Plus, if he gives up a game winning home run, he’s the easiest to tie to a tree and leave for dead!

    Comment by statebirds — May 12, 2008 @ 10:35 am

  6. Is every floor in Gil Thorp-land shiny?

    Comment by Thorpnotized — May 12, 2008 @ 10:41 am

  7. 5/12, Panel 3: That really is Brak’s dad–look how much smaller he is than Mother! Not sure what’s going on with the flippers, though.

    Comment by sourbelly — May 12, 2008 @ 10:45 am

  8. What’s with that leer on Gil’s face in panel 1 of Saturday’s strip? That look is good for a sexual-harassment case all by itself.

    And Elmer… if you’re in legal trouble over your immigration status, it’s best not to wear your Mariachi band outfit to a formal meeting.

    Comment by johnw — May 12, 2008 @ 10:51 am

  9. I’ve been wondering the same things about the citizenship filing. While the Vargases may
    need some kind of sponsorship or proof of employment, wasn’t it their responsiblity to file
    the papers? Mr. Brick Mogul died, but Mrs. BM could have attested to the inherent goodness
    of the Vargases.

    I think their lawyer is the guy in panel 3 of 5/10.

    How big is Central City that it has an immigration court? They’ve already met with their lawyer.

    Comment by dale — May 12, 2008 @ 11:27 am

  10. Dayum, that English teacher is a friggin’ amazon in Panel 3 of today’s strip.
    No wonder everyone in her class gets good grades! But why is she going with
    the Vargases to court instead of Mrs. V? Or is the amazon supposed to be Mrs. V?

    Yep my head hurts.

    Comment by Gil'sBarber — May 12, 2008 @ 11:42 am

  11. Dale,

    Re: Panel 3 of 5/10… The Vargas’ lawyer is in fact J. Jonah Jameson?

    (Explains why he’s not with the family when they go to court, eh? He’s too busy
    trying to expose the webheaded menace.)

    Comment by Ty — May 12, 2008 @ 11:52 am

  12. dale, I don’t think they’re going to court, as it would take 12-18 months to get a court date, and Milford would be in the playdowns by then. I’m guessing they’re in the 1950s lobby of Slip-n-Falls Attorneys R Us, next to Harvey Birdman.

    I envision a spittoon in the lobby corner, for some reason.

    Comment by julienne — May 12, 2008 @ 11:58 am

  13. jules – Yeah well, that’s just, ya know, like, your opinion, man.

    I see what you did there.

    Comment by julienne — May 12, 2008 @ 12:03 pm

  14. A rational explanation would be that the Milford lawyer has referred them to a lawyer
    in Central City. I don’t see why the whole family would have to go.

    At some point the guy from the Rotary club has to get into the act. He has been incensed,
    insulted and betrayed by the Brick Magician of the Year.

    Comment by dale — May 12, 2008 @ 12:25 pm

  15. As the Brick Magician of the Year, Papa Vargas should have diplomatic immunity,
    shouln’t he? But I don’t know if that applies to your illegitimate illegal son.

    Comment by Gil'sBarber — May 12, 2008 @ 12:34 pm

  16. Middle panel, 5/10:

    So, is the weight of the expression “Talk to the hand!” — which Gil seems to be gesturing towards Elmo — diminished when the hand is only about a third of its normal size, with fingers that are fused into some kind of grotesque hoof?

    Comment by Striker — May 12, 2008 @ 12:42 pm

  17. Maybe when INS shows up to interview Mr. Vargas, they could get some other adult with legit papers, to stand in for him. Who could they get to do that? (I’m someone else already had this idea.)

    Comment by Striker — May 12, 2008 @ 12:58 pm

  18. #6: That’s why I keep reading: shiny stuff.

    Comment by laura — May 12, 2008 @ 1:11 pm

  19. That doesn’t look like an immigration lawyer in panel three, I’d say it’s Paulie Walnuts. He must have gotten into a new line a of business after the Soprano’s series ended.

    Comment by kenzo — May 12, 2008 @ 1:27 pm

  20. Damn, Kezno, you beat me to the Paulie Walnuts reference, LOL!

    Jules also beat me to the foot reference, albeit, it looks like a fused foot.

    Gil’s getting tired of Mimi telling him she has a headache and is now looking for some new action. Unfortunately, Elmer’s silly-assed immigration problem is c-blocking him from getting any. *Gil to self* “Dammit for promising to get involved with my students silly assed problems!”

    As for Senor Vargas not clearing this mess up years ago, it’s apparent that he belongs to the Gil “I don’t give a shit about anybody’s problems including my own” club.

    Comment by Regina — May 12, 2008 @ 2:48 pm

  21. Who is Harvey Birdman? Is he a bird, or a man?

    Comment by RobM — May 12, 2008 @ 7:25 pm

  22. Neither! He’s Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law! Courtesy of Adult Swim on Cartoon Network.

    You can tell how I spend my Saturday nights.

    Comment by julienne — May 13, 2008 @ 6:00 am


    He rocks.

    Comment by julienne — May 13, 2008 @ 9:01 am

  24. […] Found” double entendres in his pocket, he was on his way over to put the moves on Christina Fifield. But on his way, he stupidly walked by the Oakwood baseball diamond and got caught…( […]

    Pingback by Chancho, When you are a man, sometimes you wear stretchy pants. « This Week in Milford — May 16, 2008 @ 9:33 am

  25. […] 2 Translation: Gil: I’m sure glad that kid is getting deported. Now Christina Fifield will be ALL MINE! Mr. Vargas: Hmmm…I could have started figuring this out fifteen years ago. […]

    Pingback by If only they’d erase my mind of this too. « This Week in Milford — June 4, 2008 @ 9:24 am

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