This Week in Milford

September 5, 2008

Heart to Handle

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, freak hands, Pantheon of Mysterious Objects — jasbeattie @ 9:30 am

Hey look, The Bucket now serves boxes of cassette tapes for lunch! And the creepy floating giant hand of the day is composed entirely of fingers! And Matt’s girlfriend’s nose is shrinking…she’s at least been downgraded from Transvestite Gonzo to Female Bert!

Bad news for him though, as she doesn’t want him to drop dead from any physical exertion. Guess the giant hand will be useful for something after all…



  1. LOL Jason!

    Reminds me of the joke where the 17-year old boy mistakenly took Viagra and started
    a brush fire with all the friction — Careful with that ginormous hand, Dude!

    Comment by Gil'sBarber — September 5, 2008 @ 9:42 am

  2. In all seriousness, I’m wondering precisely what heart condition Matt supposedly has. Maybe it’s Mitral Valve Prolapse, which can apparently range from “Pretty damn serious” to “You can live your life without ever even knowing you have it.”

    On a less serious note, would one’s “game shape” for volleyball really be enhanced by running at all? not that I’m saying volleyball is easy or anything, but cardiovascular health (specifically, cardiovascular health developed by running) would not be high on my list of priorities of things to develop if I were to try to become a volleyball player.

    Comment by Emptyeye — September 5, 2008 @ 9:48 am

  3. The hand says Marfan Syndrome.

    Comment by Smokey Stover — September 5, 2008 @ 10:13 am

  4. Remember that middle school joke, “Hey, I heard if your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer/a heart condition.” And then the victim puts his hand over his face, and wham! you smack his hand into his nose?

    Well, this guy’s hands look bigger than his face for realz.

    Comment by jmb — September 5, 2008 @ 11:17 am

  5. This comic would almost be tolerable if Chief Whigham could draw girls. You know, like in Jugs Parker and Aunt Fritzi–er, Nancy. Sure, those strips are dog crap, but at least once in a while you get something fun to look at. Instead, we get these andro-freaks with magic marker mustaches.

    As for Marfan’s, 1) Rubin’s already covered that and 2)The 6-9 guy would be a more likely candidate.

    Comment by sourbelly — September 5, 2008 @ 11:39 am

  6. Best part about having an exertion related heart defect: “Sorry honey but you’re going to have to do all the work, again” Bow chick-a bow wow

    Comment by Daily Comics Reviewer — September 5, 2008 @ 11:50 am

  7. I’m wondering why a cloaked and hooded Emperor Palaptine is seen lurking outside the Bucket. What hijinx is he up to?

    And why does Matt’s girlfriend have such a pronounced moustache goin on?

    Comment by Mooch — September 5, 2008 @ 12:20 pm

  8. Ah, yes. Nothin’ says lovin’ like the hand jive.

    Comment by julienne — September 5, 2008 @ 12:20 pm

  9. #5 sourbelly: attractive women in Gil Thorp? Heresy!

    #7 Mooch: Heh! Obviously he’s behind all the Milford shenanigans as of late, namely Andrew Gregory’s ever-shifting personality, Elmer’s hatred of his own family, and Matt’s heart problems. If we end up with an epic Palpatine-Kaz showdown in the Galactic Senate, I’m all for it!

    But .. we’ll probably just be treated to some scene where Matt dies on the field. Which might sound fun, but that’s some serious Funky Winkerbean territory.

    Comment by El Santo — September 5, 2008 @ 2:10 pm

  10. This comic would almost be tolerable if Chief Whigham could draw girls.

    To be honest, I think Whigham does a _great_ job drawing females from a distance. I have no problems with panel #1, for example. It’s closeups that go horribly awry.

    Comment by Scott de B. — September 5, 2008 @ 3:33 pm

  11. Re 10: That would explain hot Polish mom’s instant success. Let’s hope they don’t mess it up by giving her a close-up.

    Comment by Lomion — September 5, 2008 @ 5:34 pm

  12. It might be DB in the DT hat’s heart problem is faux… he made up the 4-F story when he learned the Mudlarks score most in the showers after the games.

    Comment by SemperFi4evr — September 5, 2008 @ 8:33 pm

  13. Re: Saturday’s comic: A lotta homo-erotic shit goin’ down. And what’s with the Ramone’s sweatshirt????

    Comment by Regina — September 6, 2008 @ 3:58 am

  14. Hoo-ee, Regina! It just gets more flaming all the time, doesn’t it?

    Comment by vaganova — September 6, 2008 @ 11:00 am

  15. I think Jeff’s “healthy as a kon” comment is the tipoff that he is the one with the heart condition. Obviously, at the Group Physical, Matt and Jeff’s records were mixed up. Now Matt has to be taunted by this ugly babe until Jeff drops dead and the mystery is cleared up. (If your teenage son were diagnosed with a heart condition, wouldn’t you have some more tests, consult a specialist? consult someone else ? and see what the next step is : medication, surgery, heart transplant, whatever. Matt’s parents are clearly not interested. I’m thinking there are several good lawsuits here: (1) Jeff dies – hot Momma can sue group physical doctors for mixing up records; she can also sue Coach Thorp & Milford High for condoning group physical. Matt can sue doctors for pain and suffering. Ugly babe can sue doctors for loss of consortium.

    Comment by Fuzzy — September 6, 2008 @ 1:25 pm

  16. Hey Jason, just noticed you added a “freak hands” section. This should fill up in no time!

    Comment by Regina — September 7, 2008 @ 3:29 pm

  17. Yep…I should have added that category a long time ago! I’m not going to bother with tagging the archived posts, but I might as well start somewhere.

    Comment by jasbeattie — September 8, 2008 @ 7:47 am

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