This Week in Milford

March 31, 2010

The Milford Punching Rules

Filed under: actual action, basketball, Gil Thorp, lessons learned, Marty Moon, Milford Weirdos — jasbeattie @ 8:17 am


Hey the Blue Oyster Bar cop is back! And he’s brought the chief of police for this high-profile crime. I imagine Milford is similar to Springfield in that it only employs a couple of inept cops (and a Chief Whigham/Wiggum of course…) It’s nice that the Chief will believe anything Gil tells him…even if it’s a line so bad it would make David Caruso leave his sunglasses on his face. But too bad there will be no investigation into whether Steve deserved a punch to the mouth (He didn’t. He deserved waaay more of a beat-down than that.)

So here are the rules:
Punching drunken lout: Awesome
Punching Valley Tech prankster after receiving boxing lesson from Gil: OK
Punching wall and hurting yourself: Good reason to be blackmailed into doing the Thorps’ yard work
Punching guy who does all of Milford’s coaching work for free: Assault AND Battery

Meanwhile the game that started 12 days ago is still going on. The eight remaining fans are now discussing who they plan to eat in order to survive this nightmare.


In a bizarre compromise, the fans decide it’s best to all eat each other’s faces. Shocked and appalled by the mutant crowd, and unwilling to make this game last a whole two weeks, Brenda Larkin wisely throws the ball into the stands and flees before the faceless zombie freaks notice some tasty-looking players are still in the building.

Marty, safe because the living undead prefer to eat brains, wakes up in time to see the end of the game. Luckily there will me no play-downs for Milford. Zombies hate play-downs.


  1. Why didn’t they show us the bad throw to Aiello? Was it close? Was it done on purpose? Is Larkin on the payroll of Frankie Two-Shoes? What was the spread on the game? Who’s the person about to take Martys head off with the putter?

    Comment by Knoxy — March 31, 2010 @ 9:10 am

  2. Are we supposed to conclude from this turn of events that Cassie Corman would have successfully passed the ball to Ashley Aiello? Yawn.

    For team loaded with “bigs”, Milford sure is in love with outside shooting.

    Lorene Morales?

    Comment by Ned Ryerson — March 31, 2010 @ 9:14 am

  3. Who called the cops? On what grounds – that there might be a fight, somewhere, sometime, between some people?

    Comment by dale — March 31, 2010 @ 9:36 am

  4. So wait — the cops walk in, Gil is physically restraining the legal resident of the premises, and he tells the cops it’s a case of assault and battery?

    Officers, your duty is clear: Arrest Gil Thorp!

    Otherwise… hey, baseball season! A fresh round of lame plots! Possibly including Jam-Jar, the Rickey Henderson wannabe of Milford!

    Comment by jvwalt — March 31, 2010 @ 9:40 am

  5. Not only should Gil be arreested for assault and battery, but also public drunkeness.

    Second strip, panel three: That is more of Marty Moon than I really careto see.

    Comment by Regina — March 31, 2010 @ 9:49 am

  6. Also, looking at the pose the Chief is striking, I think he came from the Oysterbar as well.

    Comment by Regina — March 31, 2010 @ 9:50 am

  7. I’m hoping for the return of Shep Trumbo.

    Comment by Don, the Rebel without a Blog — March 31, 2010 @ 10:08 am

  8. To me, the “fans” in panel one today look like clerics from freakish post-apocalyptic cult. And yeah, face-eating is one of the more sacred rituals of said cult.

    Comment by sourbelly — March 31, 2010 @ 10:24 am

  9. When I first read Panel 1 on 3-30 I read it as “Chief Assault and Battery” and thought Milford justice had its own language.

    LMAO Jason re: the faceless cannibalistic zombies!

    Comment by Gil'sBarber — March 31, 2010 @ 10:36 am

  10. “To me, the “fans” in panel one today look like clerics from freakish post-apocalyptic cult.”

    All in blue jumpsuits. And I think they will take their frustration out on Cassie Corman. A virgin sacrifice is required!

    Comment by Scott P. — March 31, 2010 @ 10:58 am

  11. Tomorrow’s strip:
    Gil: “Cassie, you had a responsibility to your teammates, and you let them down.”
    Cassie: “Speaking of ‘responsibility’, don’t you and your wife have a responsibility to earn your pay and coach your teams, and not to leave it to a janitor to do on his free time?”
    Police chief: “That’s enough out of you, young lady! One more word, and I’ll book you on attempted-marriage-while-of-legal-age!”

    Comment by Philip — March 31, 2010 @ 11:04 am

  12. Adding to Philip #11:

    Police Chief: “And we’ll have Gil give a beat-down to another one of your hoodlum friends in his own apartment, and book your friend for chief-assault and battery!”

    Comment by Gil'sBarber — March 31, 2010 @ 12:11 pm

  13. Cassie is a difference maker. If she’s there, they win. She may not have grown physically since 3rd grade, but emotionally, that’s a different ballgame.

    With Marty’s presence, the profile of the women’s program is on a new pedestal.

    Comment by Gray — March 31, 2010 @ 12:29 pm

  14. It’s Steve’s fault! He should have been teaching Brenda how to pass! He was blinded by the cookies.
    Will Steve get caught in the aftermath of all this? Cassie could make some trouble for him with Dr. Pearl. He’ll have to come out of the closet to get clear of this jam.

    Comment by DieClambakeDie — March 31, 2010 @ 1:28 pm

  15. Really curious to see what happens when Cassie returns to MHS, assuming she does. Strange place, Milford– kids get busted for wearing cardboard clothes or for trying to elope, but I’m willing to bet Cassie’s tank-job escapes further notice. Maybe that’s why Brenda’s brother (where has he got to, anyway?) called Milford a “tank town.”

    Comment by vaganova — March 31, 2010 @ 1:57 pm

  16. Hysterical post today for 3/31 – the freaks are storming the court as we speak. So the boys go quietly into the land of unfinished business, and baseball starts next week. And softball. We never really found out what kind of season Jamarr had, but thats a blessing.

    Comment by Rob — March 31, 2010 @ 2:57 pm

  17. starting tomm ray cassie and steve will never be heard from again . its baseball season rubin was drinking irish car bombs when writing this . we never saw mr baskt again cassies drive by aunt or the guy in jail . so adios pizza flipper janitor of all trades and future welfare mother

    Comment by mr12ozcan — March 31, 2010 @ 3:07 pm

  18. @10 – Sorry Cassie doesn’t qualify for your “virgin” sacrifice.

    I remember fighting Chief Assault and Battery during my 3 years fighting in the Octogon. I remember giving him a round house to the face.

    Comment by Rex Kwon Do — March 31, 2010 @ 3:33 pm

  19. Oh ye of little faith! Marty said that Tilden “will” be conference champs, not that Tilden is/are the conference champs. That means tomorrow that Tilden will inbound the ball with 9 seconds left, and Ashley will steal it and pass it to Brenda for the long three, giving Milford the win!

    Last frame – Cassie’s aunt will stop by and ask what is going on, leaving some lame explanation/coverup for Friday and Saturday. Then baseball season will start, ending sometime in August.

    Comment by milfordian! — March 31, 2010 @ 7:26 pm

  20. Jason, Best line ever about David Caruso. This 24 oz PBR is for you!

    Comment by south mauldin — April 1, 2010 @ 5:07 pm

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