This Week in Milford

December 9, 2012

Get Stuffed, I’m Off To Get My Stomach Pumped

Filed under: actual action, Coach Shaw, football, lessons learned — nedryerson @ 3:19 pm


Forget the dramatic tension, look at that cottony soft beard on Coach Shaw! It looks like a craft project, like cotton balls glued onto a ceramic mug. Actually, that consistency continues all the way up onto Shaw’s head. All of his facial and head hair is glued on batting of some sort, like what you spread around on the floor under your Christmas tree to simulate snow. His hair could also be made out of Play Doh, like something produced at the Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop. It is magnificent hair.

Oh yeah, the game. Milford got hosed. Terry learns a valuable lesson in something and we wait to see what happens, paralyzed by tension.


No title, but a winning season. Not that we want this to drag on on any further, but are there no playdowns in football? Is the regular season title the ultimate prize? Does anybody care at this point?

A further question: Does Valley Tech have locker rooms or showers or anything? No? Whatever. Let’s make that bus ride as uncomfortable and smelly as possible.


So, this fall plot limps over the finish line, calling back a lame joke and leaving us in the dark about Doyle Dong’s motivations (probably). It seems as if his “sincerity, that might work” line was the summation of his whole story. And then this, a money shot, of sorts, two radish roses to the face

Let’s hang the peach baskets and hope for the best.



  1. Great accuracy by the lefties with the napkin wads. That’s the lowest trajectory 41 yard fg in history. Milford’s linemen must have laid down. Gil got the players on the bus in a hurry. Gotta get the hell out of the Valley. You know how those people are.

    Comment by gwilo — December 9, 2012 @ 5:20 pm

  2. There is no way that was pass interference! Bring back the replacement refs!

    Comment by Hannibal Smith — December 9, 2012 @ 6:25 pm

  3. Ooops, Apex International announced a new round of layoffs, Terry. I guess you’re the new busboy here.

    Comment by nedryerson — December 9, 2012 @ 9:11 pm

  4. I’m with Hannibal! Also, no way a coaching staff lets a bogus pass interference call go with that little resistance in any game, much less one with supposedly that much meaning. “Coaching for the playdowns? Too much work! I’m ready to go back to ‘teaching’ health class while the jocks run the movie projector.” (I realize I’m dating myself with that one.)

    Even if Gil had to load the bus quickly to get the hell out of Dodge – er, the Valley – the players should’ve at least taken off their shoulder pads. Not enough room on a school bus to sit two abreast in pads.

    Comment by teenchy — December 10, 2012 @ 6:14 am

  5. Aww, Ned, you blew Coach Shaw’s cover — “Fuzzy Pumper” is his gay-porn name!

    Meanwhile, back at the Thorp residence, Gil’s already making the first batch of his famous Holliday Nog: One part eggnog, two parts brandy, six parts rum.

    Comment by John Walters (@johnswalters) — December 10, 2012 @ 6:18 am

  6. 12/6 P2: Shaw; “Say, Terry, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?”

    Comment by semperfi4evr — December 10, 2012 @ 7:03 am

  7. Milford Mudlark Record Book.xlsx

    2012 Season – Record 6-3 (6-2 in the Valley Conference)
    * Non Conference Game

    W – Oakwood
    L – Ballard* 7-13
    W – Tilden 23-17
    W – Jefferson 19-10
    W – Goshen (assumed win based on Milford leading and then being in position to win the Valley conference)
    W – Central 26-23
    L – Madison
    W – New Thayer 13-9
    L – Valley Tech 17-19

    – No Valley Conference championship or playdown appearance for the 9th straight year (last in 2003), I think this strip still operates in a universe where only district/conference champions go on to postseason play… in all sports.
    – No playdown victories in 11 years (last in 2001).
    – Mudlarks finish with a 6-3 record for the 4th time in the last 5 years and the 5th time in the last 7 years.
    – Milford’s 9 game winning streak over Valley Tech broken.
    – Milford’s losing streak to the Madison Capitols is now 7 games.
    – Gil’s record in the Valley Conference since 2001 is 54-34-2 with 1 unknown.
    – Gil’s record in non-conference, playdown, or unknown-affiliation games since 2001 is 9-11-0 with 1 unknown.
    – Gil’s overall record since 2001 is 63-45-2 with 2 unknowns.
    – Gil’s career record since 1958 (minus 1994-2000) now stands at 256-116-16 with 2 unknowns and at least 8 Valley Conference titles.

    Comment by billytheskink — December 10, 2012 @ 8:24 am

  8. Is it chess season yet?

    Comment by Dood — December 10, 2012 @ 9:28 am

  9. Duck season!

    Comment by Ned Ryerson — December 10, 2012 @ 10:41 am

  10. *Gil’s overall record since 2001 is 63-45-2 with 2 unknowns, no Valley Conference championship or playdown appearance for the 9th straight year*

    Seems Thorp teams are always just-missed, with some fluky thing like a bad penalty or an out inches short of a game-winning HR. Surely the local boosters’ club should be calling for his also-ran head by now? Oh no, I’m sure they are all too afraid he would dress them down for their intolerant attitudes towards teenage mothers or something like that. Thus, he has a job for life, and never has to work overtime, either, as his teams never play more than the minimum number of games ( playdowns).

    Comment by Moon Mullins — December 10, 2012 @ 12:42 pm

  11. So if Gil has been coach since 1958, how old is he? Eighty? How does he stay so young looking? It must be all those Nut Boys he has eaten over the years. They’re shitty!

    Comment by Don, the Rebel without a Blog — December 10, 2012 @ 5:39 pm

  12. Don #11: The answer, I fear, has something to do with the mysterious disappearance of the Thorp children: their blood and organs have been harvested for Gil and Mimi’s youthification treatments at an offshore medical facility.

    Comment by John Walters (@johnswalters) — December 10, 2012 @ 6:10 pm

  13. I know I’m dating myself, Don, but I remember the beginning of the strip. Gil was the young new coach, fresh out of the Marines and flying his own airplane. The first plot involved convincing kids to quit the after school jobs they were using to support their cars, in order to go out for football. So given that Mfnrd could barely field a team when Gil first arrived, his 66% winning record in his 154 years there is actually fairly respectable. For details, consult with John Walters– he knows where the bodies are buried.

    Comment by vaganova — December 10, 2012 @ 9:13 pm

  14. Great job, Billy! Mudlarks=Mediocracy.

    Which is what the “M” tattoo stands for – and we should be seeing those stupid tats with the start of basketball season!

    Comment by Milfordian — December 10, 2012 @ 10:46 pm

  15. Oh, I hope not. That tattoo plot was one of the worst. Hope the league granted Lini Verde an additional year of eligibility for refusing to get one.

    Comment by vaganova — December 10, 2012 @ 11:45 pm

  16. I am crushed that we are never going to get closure on what Doyle Douche Bags marketing plan was all about. Weeks of dragging on with that plot line and no resolution.

    Comment by Bobby Joe — December 11, 2012 @ 9:29 am

  17. re: 7 & 10. A similar situation is playing out in Philadelphia where 14 years of close but no cigar is going to finally cost Andy Reid his job with the Iggles.

    And on a completely different subject: RIP The Bucket (1998 – 2012), the official Gil Thorp message board. If you’ve ever been there, you know it will be missed – the “Welcome to Budgie’s” thread was worth the price of admission alone – if you never went, you missed alot.


    Comment by benchwarmer — December 11, 2012 @ 11:38 am

  18. I miss Shimura and The Shamrock Shake.

    Comment by Yogi Bear — March 11, 2018 @ 5:47 pm

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