This Week in Milford

May 26, 2016

The Albert Collins Defense


“I’m drinking alone because… I prefer to be by myself.” Stuff just writes itself.

The last time I checked, the “D” in “DUI” stood for “driving,” not “drinking.” Where Hang ’em Hiatt gets off trying to impose morality on those she adjudicates, I don’t know. She should be directing Del not to drink and drive; if he cabs, Ubers, rides the dog or hitches between Center City and Milford, he can release the hounds all he wants. Just don’t get behind the wheel once he decides to cast his sheets to the wind.

Following up from my comment to yesterday’s post: Which old Republican does Del look like today: Ted Cruz, Tricky Dick, Pat Buchanan, or Simple J. Malarkey? I think we can agree on the source of young Master Bader’s nose. C’mon, Whigham, if Gil Thorp is gonna turn into a strip about drinking with a dash of high school sports thrown in, at least draw some gin blossoms on that schnozz.

Oh yeah, speaking of sports: Boo’s gonna lose that no-hitter; any bets as to how?

Okay, back to drinking: I expect Del to get pulled over and locked up by Saturday. At least by sticking to wine and not the hard stuff, he can stand before Ken Brown’s mom next week and assert the Albert Collins Defense.



  1. I don’t want to diminish Boo’s pending accomplishment, but aren’t no-hitters in softball a fairly regular occurrence? Maybe not as regular as repeat DUI arrests, but not exactly a once in a blue moon scenario either.

    Comment by timbuys — May 26, 2016 @ 7:36 am

  2. Yes no hitters are somewhat common in girls softball. Especially in a 5 inning 10 run rule game. I even pitched one in slow pitch softball. No the team wasn’t very good but the knuckler was really dancing that day.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — May 26, 2016 @ 7:52 am

  3. “Tally Ho!” Does anyone (besides fighter pilots) really talk like that? Maybe Del is British? Nah, his teeth are too good.

    Come to think of it, didn’t Gene Rayburn sign off with “Tally Ho”? You know, Match Game ’77, a Mark Goodson/Bill Todman™ production? Go view some images of Gene and tell me he and Del weren’t separated at birth.

    Comment by g2design — May 26, 2016 @ 9:03 am

  4. The ump in P3 is apparently doing the classic ‘punching out the batter’ move, but you could take a second look and think he’s doing the “I’m flying an airplane!” gesture.

    Comment by Moon Mullins — May 26, 2016 @ 9:11 am

  5. Del the industrial solvent salesman was so drunk…
    He was so drunk when it was time to drive home he put his blank in the ignition.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — May 26, 2016 @ 9:12 am

  6. Del the industrial solvent salesman was so drunk…
    He was so drunk, when he was asked if he knew someone by his friend at the bar, he drew a blank.

    Comment by Moon Mullins — May 26, 2016 @ 9:16 am

  7. Del could have told his client he had Chron’s disease. He could have said he had spattergroit. He could have said, “We’re Pastafarians, and it’s an important day in the church calendar. Until sunrise, I’m not permitted alcohol, tobacco, or Jolly Ranchers”.
    The only question is: what, if anything, will prevent Del from phoning his wife to get a safe ride home?

    Comment by Philip — May 26, 2016 @ 9:40 am

  8. I don’t think a judge can order someone not to drink… but you just know Del is too damn dumb to NOT get behind the wheel and try to drive home. Looking forward to a brisk game of Lamppost Pinball.

    Meanwhile, high-powered client guy undoubtedly has a limo and a chauffeur.

    Comment by John S. Walters — May 26, 2016 @ 9:42 am

  9. Ah, glorious memories. Many many many half-hours were spent in front of the telly watching the year’s iteration of Match Game. Second only to the Gong Show and the other Gene: Gene Gene the Dancing Machine!

    Comment by g2design — May 26, 2016 @ 9:58 am

  10. The ump learned his punch out call from watching Gonzalo “Papi” Le Batard on Highly Questionable.

    Comment by nedryerson — May 26, 2016 @ 10:15 am

  11. All this to illustrate where headstrong douche Barry Bader inherited his headstrong douchiness from.

    Nobody tells an industrial solvent salesman when he’s had too much to drink!

    Comment by nedryerson — May 26, 2016 @ 10:17 am

  12. Yes, RAF fighter pilots did cry “Tally Ho!” when initiating an attack on the Luftwaffe, but it was with a strong tone of self-parody. Using that phrase in the UK today will instantly mark you as a Hooray Henry (or a Castle Creeper– both terms denote one more-British-than-the-Queen.) But again, this if Mfnrd, the place which gave rise to the Baders…

    Comment by vaganova — May 26, 2016 @ 12:36 pm

  13. Just thought of Group Captain Douglas BADER, one of the leading British aces of WW2, credited with 22 victories despite having lost both legs in a prewar flying accident. His coordination (keeping a precise relationship between elevator, aileron, and rudder) was legendary despite the fact he was flying with two artificial legs.

    Comment by vaganova — May 26, 2016 @ 1:15 pm

  14. I took myself down to the Tally-Ho tavern to buy me a bottle of beer…

    Comment by nedryerson — May 27, 2016 @ 3:37 am

  15. g2design: I always thought Gene Rayburn looked a bit like Abe Lincoln myself. My family says I do a mean Charles Nelson Reilly impersonation; I think I picked it up not so much from The Match Game as from The X-Files and watching SpongeBob with my son.

    vaganova: Good catch on Sir Douglas Bader. I loved the stories about how he used his disability to his advantage in making tight turns; without legs for his blood to run into, he was less likely to black out from the G-forces and could recover from them more quickly.

    Comment by teenchy — May 27, 2016 @ 3:54 am

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