This Week in Milford

September 10, 2016

As Burns Heather, So Burns Heather Burns

Filed under: football, Gil Thorp, Prairie Style Windows, soccer — teenchy @ 11:21 am


Milford girls’ soccer drills appear to involve running figure-eights around giant outdoor Cooties. Oh wait – those are the football players doing push-ups. By “at least we have it better than the football players,” bun-wearing soccer girl must be referring to the fact that the soccer players don’t have to do push-ups.

But newly-identified Heather Burns knows better. Who won the state championship two seasons ago? Who was the focus of last year’s reality-show flop hit, Welcome Back Carter? Who’s been the focus of every fall story arc in Milford? When has there ever been a soccer arc in Gil Thorp? Tired of toiling in obscurity, Heather will soon be trying out for the football team, which will be in desperate need of an offensive spark with the departure of The Golden Ticket Child Who Shall Not Be Named. Ready to settle in for an autumn of blatant sexism, stalled drives and the WHUD! of footballs clanging off goalposts?


  1. Um… so you’re saying the female Mudlarks don’t have to exercise? Huh. No wonder they only play five games a season.

    Comment by John S. Walters — September 10, 2016 @ 12:27 pm

  2. Also: any soccer players in the audience recognize that “drill” they’re doing in panel 1?

    Comment by John S. Walters — September 10, 2016 @ 12:28 pm

  3. At my high school I am pretty sure the boys soccer players had it worse than the football players. The coach was a former national caliber wrestler who knew very little about soccer when he was originally asked to coach the team. When he was trying to get up to speed, he read somewhere that a soccer player will run XX miles during the course of a match. Other teams might have had more talent and better technique, but Coach made sure that no one could run as long or as hard as our guys…

    Comment by timbuys — September 10, 2016 @ 12:49 pm

  4. John S asks about panel one. We are seeing a Coerver drill, involving quick, precise touches in traffic. Arm positions in the drawing are inconclusive, but coaches often have players drill with hands on hips, to develop one-footed balance without the aid of arms. But I’m getting my hopes up prematurely: I have an awful feeling that Heather Burns is going to end up kicking field goals for the football team. There’s a symmetry– the looming lunk Pelwecki at quarterback, and a— girl!– as the kicker. If last winter’s forgotten rugby/basketball player Kenzie is to be appropriately honored, Heather will react to being roughed or taunted by kneeing the opponent in the balls.

    Comment by vaganova — September 10, 2016 @ 2:24 pm

  5. […] Varsity Soccer, Dead Weight, ???-2016 […]

    Pingback by I’m shocked – SHOCKED! – that I’m using this line again! | This Week in Milford — July 14, 2021 @ 10:04 am

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