This Week in Milford

September 12, 2016

The Heather Burns Story

Filed under: Trainer Rick Scott — nedryerson @ 3:19 am


Heather Burns wants to stand out in soccer, but she’s stuck in  the middle of the pack. Dad pays her no attention. He sips coffee and reads an US Weekly. What is Heather Burns to do?

The answer is visit Trainer Rick Scott and ask him to diagnose something? Why would Trainer Rick Scott have to diagnose Heather Burns. Maybe he could offer an opinion or advice or recommendation, but a diagnosis sounds odd. It is nice that he has some company in the training room and that he gets to take part in Heather Burns’ plan to step up her soccer game.

It’s a new plot. It can’t hurt.



  1. Mr. Burns, so hardcore he drinks coffee out of a shell casing.

    Comment by billytheskink — September 12, 2016 @ 7:28 am

  2. Mr Burns has hairy arms, and seems to have a nice set of “guns”. Looks like a former athlete who still works out…

    Comment by Rowdyman — September 12, 2016 @ 7:49 am

  3. Okay, okay, we get it — Heather Burns is in a rut. Now, things’ll pick up if she’s trying to score some HGH on her visit to Trainer Rick Scott’s torture chamber slash weightroom.

    Or maybe just some antidepressants.

    Comment by John S. Walters — September 12, 2016 @ 9:07 am

  4. Now to wait to find out what Heather has asked Trainer Rick Scott. The suspense is building…

    When I first saw “As Burns Heather, So Burns Heather Burns,” I felt a palindrome alert, but then saw it reads “snruB rehtaeH snruB os ,rehtaeH snruB sA.” Perhaps I need antidepressants too. I had a great grandfather named Mike Burns, but he was more manic than depressed. Being around him made my watch run fast.

    Comment by vaganova — September 12, 2016 @ 9:17 am

  5. What happened to Super Toe Brody Abro?

    Comment by Dood — September 12, 2016 @ 12:18 pm

  6. Looks like we’re in for a super exciting story line — a middle-of-the-road soccer player! Can’t contain myself.

    Comment by Gil's Barber — September 12, 2016 @ 4:08 pm

  7. Ah yes the jugger naught that is Monmouth college. There is one in Illinois. Not sure if there is another in the country. They beat the likes of Hope College and Wartburg so far the season. If there is Division 5 in football I’m sure they’re in it.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — September 12, 2016 @ 9:14 pm

  8. Did not know there is a Monmouth in Illinois. The Monmouth I am familiar with is a mediocre D-1 school in northern New Jersey.

    Comment by vaganova — September 12, 2016 @ 9:50 pm

  9. Turns out there’s also a Monmouth in Oregon. Odds are that Burns is wearing a shirt from the school in Illinois, since the others call themselves “universities.” The distinction (universities award doctorates, colleges do not) has largely been lost as more and more colleges call themselves “universities” because it sounds more impressive.

    Comment by vaganova — September 12, 2016 @ 9:55 pm

  10. We probably won’t get to know that much about Mr. Burns, so I’ll just assume that his name is Frank and that he does indeed eat worms.

    Comment by nedryerson — September 13, 2016 @ 6:05 am

  11. Monmouth College is indeed in Illinois. It is a division III college. I attended their archrival Knox College. It is one of the longest rivalries in college football. In fact I was at the 100th game played between the two schools.

    Comment by JWeed — September 13, 2016 @ 8:18 am

  12. vaganova @4: “As Burns Heather, So Burns Heather Burns” not a palindrome alert, but a jazz fusion reference.

    Comment by teenchy — September 14, 2016 @ 3:55 am

  13. […] from Jaquan Sits this geezer All his shirts Are labeled “Monmouth” He’s indulging Daughter Heather But he Sucks at throwing […]

    Pingback by Return to Janet’s Diner? | This Week in Milford — August 5, 2017 @ 11:02 am

  14. […] that you can do other things.  Then again, maybe that’s the concussions talking.  Maybe Heather Burns took one too many balls to the head and that made her think she could be a trainer a tight end The […]

    Pingback by Remember When Concussions Were A Big Deal In Milford? | This Week in Milford — August 2, 2018 @ 7:59 am

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