This Week in Milford

October 31, 2016

Coaching Up TE Heather Burns

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Mimi Thorp — nedryerson @ 3:27 am


Check it out! More sexy time with Gil & Mimi. I don’t get what Gil’s getting. Is he getting that boys are different than girls?

Love the Burnsmobile. Two narrow little windows that are the combined width of the rear wheel? Classic

And look, we just missed the whole game at Central. Trust the narration box. It was a tough loss! It forced Gil to do some sort of coaching there.



  1. Watch out, Heather — trick question! If you say “player,” he’s putting you in the box for the Oklahoma Drill against The Secret Pelwecki. Two go in; only one comes out.

    Comment by John S. Walters — October 31, 2016 @ 4:25 am

  2. Don’t get me wrong. I’m always up for feel-good stories about females bucking the odds against the system. My mom worked as a Habitat worker, starting out as a go-fer to hammerin’ and nailin’ with the best of ’em, 2 write-ups in the papers with a picture of her proudly using a buzz-saw on display. And when I coached in Babe Ruth League, we held a tournament that featured a female player on one of the out-of-town teams. She played catcher like a pro. Ashley Totten, you did us proud.
    That said, this smorgasbord is making me lose my appetite. We’ve gone from appetizers to dessert to Happy Hour to MAYBE the main course back to chipped Jello to creamed cole slaw to meat loaf. There MIGHT be a cash register at the end of the sliding track and the track itself MIGHT continue but I’m hanging onto my tray just in case. No sense in spilling my 3-bean salad and mashed potatoes with gravy all over the floor. And I might step on my cornbread.
    Tomorrow is November, Gil. It is inconceivable how you’re going to develop Heather into a playuh while simultaneously moving Moose up the ranks at QB unless you use your Magnum .44 you got stored in the attic and cut the Gordian knot and shoot Hakeem and Earl and Fred and the Joker so that Moose can shed his two-left-hands-so-stick-to-defense image and throw the winning TD to Heather, keeping democracy intact by Thanksgiving.
    But maybe there’ll not only be another championship trophy added to the display case but Moose and Heather will be in good company with Jerry Pulver.
    The problem is, Jerry reined in his attitude as a basketball player well before baseball started. Nope, the janitors are still sweeping up the cornbread crumbs and I still can’t find the cashier.

    Comment by T. Drew Hardin — October 31, 2016 @ 8:15 am

  3. Gil’s had smaller boys at TE? Sure, Mimi, sure…

    Comment by billytheskink — October 31, 2016 @ 8:19 am

  4. RE: Sexy times at the Thorps, far be it from me to hold myself out as any sort of expert on marital relations, but one thing I do know is that talking about problems at work has gotta be the worst way to get someone warmed up…

    Comment by timbuys — October 31, 2016 @ 10:00 am

  5. Do we ever get to see the second- and third-string TEs who have been busting their asses all season in practice with no playing time only to have a 5’8, 150lb girl join mid-season and be given the starting job by default?

    Comment by Hitorque — October 31, 2016 @ 12:38 pm

  6. According to Kaz and Shaw, those next in line for TE are freshmen and sophomores not ready to step up. I know Mfnrd is small, but the fact there is no game-ready TE available is surprising, especially since they have four quarterbacks, not counting Kevin Palooka.

    Comment by vaganova — October 31, 2016 @ 1:04 pm

  7. Following John S.’s lead, this is a rhetorical question gone awry. Thank God he’s not posing this same question during a 20-second time out(“Coach, need your players out on the floor.” “Hang on. OK, Burns, which way we goin’?”). I’ve seen better teachable moments at Pearl Harbor.
    “So to cut through the BS, don’t hit like a girl!!!!!!”
    “Coach, I am a girl.”
    Awkward silence. Gil scratching his permanently-moussed head. Looking for Coach Shaw to pop out of the Port-a-Let for the bon mot.
    “Well, I like your catching technique. Did your dad teach you that?”

    Comment by T. Drew Hardin — October 31, 2016 @ 1:34 pm

  8. @vaganova: I dunno… Not having a decent backup TE halfway through the season doesn’t reflect well on Gil or Kaz… You’d have thought they would use a converted OL/WR/RB instead instead of some girl off the street…

    Besides, how many teams only use *ONE* TE over the course of a game? What the hell kind of goalline formation does Milford run?

    Comment by Hitorque — October 31, 2016 @ 2:26 pm

  9. All good questions, Hitorque. If it had been mentioned that their other tight end had recently developed whooping cough or fallen down the steps it would be different, but it appears there isn’t one. It’s been a long time since I’ve followed football, but I remember most teams had three people who could play tight end– the starter and his backup (available for goal line formations, as you say) and usually a tackle or fullback “learning the position.” It’s a long way from an easy position– you have to be ready to play on either end of the line and to be prepared to block, catch, fake, and even drop back and pitch out, all while being pounded on by two defensive linemen whose goal is to slow you down and tire you out.

    Comment by vaganova — October 31, 2016 @ 3:02 pm

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