This Week in Milford

November 2, 2016

HE the TE from JV

Filed under: ?, actual action, football, Marty Moon — timbuys @ 6:58 am

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It’s good that Marty intuitively knows – and graciously shares with his audience – that someone coming up from the JV would be a youngster and not an oldster.

I suppose now is as good a time as any to launch into a lengthy discussion of sexual dimorphism and how it would realistically be depicted in the context of a neophyte trainer stepping in at TE mid-season for a high school football team.

Bonus point: Heather’s ultimate dis on The Secret is hijacking his plotline.

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7 Comments »

  1. For not calling her Heat Burns, Rubin is dead to me

    Comment by Drownedpuppy (@Downpuppy) — November 2, 2016 @ 7:36 am

  2. GODDAMMIT THE HELL FUCK SHIT PISS BALLS TITS FOOTBALL DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY!!!!

    First of all, no matter how hard they try to disguise her, a feminine gait at full sprint is pretty distinctive, and would be noticed by the opposition — As if a 5’8, 150lb TE with a high-pitch voice who smells like Lady Speed Stick wasn’t conspicuous enough… Although I don’t blame Gil for wanting to hide her, because it doesn’t reflect well on his coaching when an undersized girl who never freaking played the game before is his best offensive threat after joining mid-season…

    Secondly, Marty Moon knows more about what’s going on in the halls of Milford than even the most shameless teenage gossip girl… How does a huge story like this happen without him knowing?

    Thirdly, are we ever going to see her have to block anyone? Or what happens when she gets her bell rung for the first time? Or how she deals with abuse from opposing players? (Remember, some opposing team last season spent all game clowning that mook o-lineman who was trying to be a star on that bullshit reality show)… And if she was this good at football, why wasn’t she playing it in earlier years instead of soccer, which she clearly hated?

    Also, remember Kevin, and the time when we all thought this story arc was about him? When does someone talk him back into returning to LB, which he could at least play competently, and was good enough to start?

    Finally, can we kill the “Unheralded, inexperienced outsider gets dragged onto the team by a friend or a coach and instantly becomes All-State with a minimal amount of instruction” trope? They’re relying on it too many times and it’s lazy…

    Comment by Hitorque — November 2, 2016 @ 8:05 am

  3. All good points, hitorque.
    I guess Gil went with “H.E. Burns” so no one would guess it was really “S.H.E. Burns”.
    And, in the real world, could this have been kept quiet? Considering we’re dealing with 16-year-olds, whose idea of “keep a secret” is “post this to Snapchat”? Everyone in the Valley Conference would have known about it two hours after her first practice ended.

    Comment by Philip — November 2, 2016 @ 8:19 am

  4. Even in the in-strip universe, it seems odd that neither Moon nor Marje Ducey have been attending practices or otherwise keeping up with the Mudlark beat as they have both done in the past. They should both know about Heather, or at least have suspicions after Gil locked them out of practice, based on historical precedent.

    I am hopeful that we will get a bit of classic Moon out of this once Heather is discovered, taking to the air to rail against Gil’s irresponsibility and mediocre coaching just like in the old days. That would be fun AND realistic. Marty’s transition from “egotistical shock jock” to just “occasional play-by-play narrator” is, perhaps, my biggest disappointment with Rubin’s tenure writing this strip.

    Comment by billytheskink — November 2, 2016 @ 8:35 am

  5. billy is right, I think. The towns in our conference may be a little bigger than those in the Valley League, but I think Mfnrd’s sports reporters would also check in with the various coaches pretty much weekly, and a 5-8, 150 lb (female) tight end would be a major scoop. A few years ago a nearby high school had a kicker who had left the girls’ soccer team, and she was headline news all season. Something like H E Burns, she had been an ok soccer player but was lethal at field goals and extra points.

    I’m more troubled by the “instant veteran” business. It takes time to learn as seemingly simple a thing as how to fall on a fumble without letting the ball turn into a “hard place,” let along how to move a bigger opponent out of your fullback’s way.

    Comment by vaganova — November 2, 2016 @ 7:13 pm

  6. S’He’ and her dad could have played catch 8 hours a day……She’s never been hit. She’s never blocked anyone. In reality, if one of these big guys takes her down, they’re taking her off the field in a wet-vac.

    Comment by Knoxy — November 2, 2016 @ 8:00 pm

  7. The same demon that possessed the child in “The Exorcist” is now inhabiting Marty in P1.
    I am just as bewildered as everybody else in terms of Mr. Moon’s muckraking going south. Again, in P1, the day Marty Moon EVER gives Gil Thorp the benefit of the doubt will be the day pigs fly. Or closure comes to this plot. Both have equal probability at this point. At least we’re seeing ACTION this time, not the tedious Days of our Lives subdrama anchoring things
    at Milford(“This is Macdonald Carey and these are the Days of our Lives”-nah, can’t see it.).
    Still, Moose is stranded on Gilligan’s Island and is not likely, like the rest of the castaways, to be rescued anytime soon(“Little Buddy, I don’t know who he is either. I’ll ask the Professor and see if he knows anything.”).

    Comment by T. Drew Hardin — November 2, 2016 @ 11:30 pm


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