This Week in Milford

February 9, 2017

Sherlock Plays the Dozens


“Is your mom still an… um… is your mom still so fat her ass got two zip codes?”

So this is it – the start of the big reveal (well, besides the big reveal that Aaron Aagard’s Molly is a girl, not the recreational drug) that will tell us what’s truly behind Aaron’s inconsistent play. Mike Granger couldn’t start it off any more awkwardly. Sure, let me start talking about my plan to pump Aaron for mom info out loud in this shiny tiled echo chamber where Aaron’s already sitting. I can already see this devolving into a poorly played game of The Dozens.

“Mike, you’re so stupid you can’t even remember what I told you Aaron’s mom did for a living a couple of days ago.”

“Ken, your mama’s the judge, not you, so shut the hell up. So Aaron, is your mom still an actuarily?”

“Sort of. She lost her actuary job, though.”

“Oh. So your mom’s so poor she can’t even pay attention?”

“Nah. She still plays the numbers. That’s why I help her… by shaving.”

“Oh. So your mom’s so hairy, you shave her with a weed whacker.”

“No. I shave points so Milford can’t cover the spread.”

“Oh. So your mom’s like chunky peanut butter: greasy, full of nuts and easy to spread…”




  1. They could just walk up to Aaaaron and ask if anything’s bothering him, or why he sucks half the time, but no. They’ve got to trick Aa into telling them his mom is broke and then work back from there. It’s just sooooo…. painful.

    By the way, the American Association of Actuarilies is sending Neal Rubin a letter of protest over the mere idea that Mike Granger could hold down a job involving math.

    Comment by John S. Walters — February 9, 2017 @ 6:37 am

  2. I love how KB asks The Mike, “And how do you plan to do that, Sheetrock?”. Get it? “Gypsum head?” That’s some funny stuff there.

    Comment by g2design — February 9, 2017 @ 8:32 am

  3. I confuse easily, but at first I thought panel 2 was telling us Ken’s mother is an actuality instead of a judge.

    Comment by vaganova — February 9, 2017 @ 8:48 am

  4. It’s been 9 strips since we last saw someone play basketball.

    Comment by billytheskink — February 9, 2017 @ 8:50 am

  5. 1. “Remember that one time six years ago when your mom came to speak to our 6th grade class? What was her profession again? Please speak clearly into the hidden microphone as you answer this perfectly innocuous question!”

    2. “Why are you two fuckboys talking at me like I’m a friend all of a sudden? I know you’ve been talking behind my back at every opportunity, eavesdropping on my conversations, invading my privacy, and slandering me to the coach with bullshit, crazy-assed accusations! Kindly FOAD!”

    Comment by Hitorque — February 9, 2017 @ 9:59 am

  6. Takin’ the tag from billytheskink

    “Knock knock.”
    “Who’s there?”
    “Gil who?”
    “Funny, our feature writers and our contributors and the readership as a whole have been asking the same question lately. What a coincidence. Small world, eh?”

    “Sorry to bother you. Does a Gil Thorp or Mimi Thorp live here?”
    “I think you want to go next door. This is the Worth residence.”
    “My deepest apologies. BTW, since I’m here, can you give me directions to General Hospital?”
    “Down Primrose Lane right next to Those Apartments On Poplar.”
    “Thanks so much. I have a friend who’s in the ICU being treated for Severe Arrhythmia causing the circulation to go haywire. Her neck
    stands like an oak tree. The janitors sweep up the acorns every hour.”
    “I’ll be praying.”

    Comment by T. Drew Hardin — February 9, 2017 @ 10:56 am

  7. Where is this story going? All right, yes, I hear you; you don’t all have to yell “NOPLACE!” at once. But there is usually some kind of thread, even if it’s silly or illogical. So, is it Friday and Ed solving a case, or Gil operating behind the scenes, or a double switch (Aa really IS a druggie) or about a domestic intervention to get Mrs Aa to stop snorting garlic powder, or what? I’m guessing here.

    Comment by vaganova — February 9, 2017 @ 12:51 pm

  8. Teenchy, you comin’ out with a vengeance today, Big Guy. I can tell you’re mad as Hell and not gonna take anymore. Prime rib comedy for the starving, My Man. I’ll say it again, you never disappoint.

    What is this, a scene from “Airplane”? Mike Granger, absorbing the role of Captain Clarence(“Roger, Roger, check the vector, Victor”) Oveur to Aardvark’s Joey
    “So tell me, Aardvark, have you ever played basketball before?
    “Joey(Aardvark, same diff), do you know what the NBA Traveling Rule is?”
    “Joey, is an actuary bigger than a bread box?”
    “So tell me, Joey, did you ever cuss out a referee?”
    “And, Joey, does your mom have a tire jack lodged in her neck?”
    “Joey, have you ever tried molly, Lunchables, and a Yoo-Hoo?”

    Today’ headline from the Milford Enquirer
    “O. J.’s Car Espied At Those Apartments On Poplar!!!!!!!!”
    Sub headline
    “O. J.: ‘I Had To Fix A Flat On The Rear Passenger Side.'”

    Comment by T. Drew Hardin — February 9, 2017 @ 4:20 pm

  9. I hear you, Agrippina, but there really isn’t a valid primary plot line from which to twist. Lemme explain; on my first viewing, I was hook, line and sinker on The Usual Suspects, and the penultimate sidewalk scene was a flat-out JebusChristNoWay! moment for yours truly. That reveal immediately destroyed the narrative I had bought in on, and the “New Plot” also made sense, perhaps even more so. That’s why it’s such a great movie.

    I can think of an old Kevin Costner flick titled No Way Out that did the same. Perhaps a not-so-great movie, but I’m just a sucker that way.

    But here, even if a “didn’t see that coming” is looming, there’ s no reasonable primary plot to supplant. There will be no payoff, because we’re not invested in what we thought we were seeing.

    Which is a long way of saying, “Care not do I.”

    Comment by g2design — February 9, 2017 @ 4:22 pm

  10. Well done, g2. The literary concept of “tone” is missing- you have to be led to expect something before you can be surprised or experience irony. What we’ve seen so far is mostly a series of feints in various directions. I admit I fell asleep watching The Usual Suspects (on TV) but No Way Out is a great example. Your mentioning it also reminds me of the days when I imagined Kevin Costner could act.

    Comment by vaganova — February 9, 2017 @ 6:09 pm

  11. I don’t know what a sort of actuary is. Either you are our your not.

    Comment by Bobby Joe — February 10, 2017 @ 4:36 pm

  12. […] this fall: Gil Thorp is tackling today’s tough issues head-on. No wannabe junior detectives nosing around about some kid’s mom’s job, no protesters in the bleachers protesting what may or may […]

    Pingback by Bob Kazinski, Headbanger | This Week in Milford — September 14, 2017 @ 6:30 am

  13. […] – did someone mention the dozens? Maybe it’s time for a […]

    Pingback by The Best Singer (Or So We’re Told) | This Week in Milford — October 12, 2017 @ 7:25 am

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