This Week in Milford

June 8, 2017

Alyssa? Explains It All


Many years ago I lived inside the Beltway, and a running joke at that time was that when people moved to Great Falls, Virginia, they were automatically issued a Range Rover. My initial observation of Mother Van Auken led me to believe that when women move to Milford, they are issued the same huge earrings and chunky bracelets that native Milfordian girls are issued at birth. (The Van Auken digs wouldn’t look out of place in Great Falls, either; I’m guessing on the opposite side of town from McShanes Hardware.) Then I noticed the chunky bracelet on the wrist of one of the Fun Girls from Central and realized that this is the way of the Valley.

A week ago I questioned how Dafunk reached the conclusion that the girl Ryan hit was his girlfriend, since that had yet to be explicitly stated. Well now it has. The next exposition should be how the Central girls learned about what happened between two Kingsbrook students and made it their business to let one of them not forget about it.



  1. Mr. Van Auken, sitting in the living room easy chair wearing a button-down and a tie, as fathers who send their children to Kingsbrook Academy are wont to do.

    Comment by billytheskink — June 8, 2017 @ 7:11 am

  2. Mrs. Van Auken: “…and you are??”

    Good point, billy. Going back to the days of Ward Cleaver et al, I still can’t figure out if we’re expected to believe that upright citizens like Mr. Van Auken just lounge around the house in business attire. He might need to unwind with a scotch before he can strip down to boxers and a tank top.

    Comment by nedryerson — June 8, 2017 @ 7:54 am

  3. Credit to Ms. Van Auken for immediately sussing out that Gil can be of no help here whatsoever.

    Also, I love that TWIM is intersecting with

    Comment by timbuys — June 8, 2017 @ 8:22 am

  4. That’s Ryan’s dad sitting in the chair? At first I was sure it was Otto Pilot.

    Comment by Moon Mullins — June 8, 2017 @ 10:55 am

  5. Pops looks like he wants to vamoose. Like father ,like son.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — June 8, 2017 @ 11:24 am

  6. There’s one for the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects: a double-decker hearth.

    Comment by John S. Walters — June 8, 2017 @ 12:03 pm

  7. With the confirmation that Ryan and the newly introduced Alyssa had been dating, we’re starting to get the range here. I think we’re going to find that whatever happened was a little ambiguous, and that Ryan is on the run from the resulting notoriety rather than from having clearly done something wrong (I’m leaning a little on the fact his former coach said he was a good kid who left Kingswhoop voluntarily.) I don’t think anybody’s pointed this out yet, but Gil’s team appears to have just played a public high school from Central City, not Kingsfoil. This suggests that the three girls with the poster were not directly involved but are piling on from a distance.

    Comment by vaganova — June 8, 2017 @ 1:03 pm

  8. Ah, yes, when I sat down to pour Dean’s 2% on my Trix, I happened to see her mug on the side of the milk carton. I wonder if her portrait is age-progressed. I called 9-1-1, taking no chances.

    The observations on the, ahem, house are hilarious(good one, timbuys). Did Gil take a trip to Collinsport, Maine? Good Lord, somebody was doodling on Etch-a-Sketch and received some inspiration. The front of this domicile was the result. And I thought Biltmore Mansion in Asheville, NC was HUGE but Mr. Auken could fly around the living room in his private plane. That or Mrs. Auken married a gnome. Or one of the midgets from Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.

    Comment by T. Drew Hardin — June 12, 2017 @ 5:14 pm

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