This Week in Milford

August 5, 2017

Return to Janet’s Diner?


We have left the
Field in Milford
for the diner
Named for Janet
‘Least I think it’s
Janet’s Diner
‘Cause it don’t
Look like The Bucket

Who is in this
Bunch of losers?
Now we’ll learn
Of their backstories
Or as Gilda’s
Baba Wawa
Might say,
“Wet’s wisten in”

Let’s start out with
The big hoopster
He once played
for Bishop Tardy
He’s rehabbing
After knee work
So he’s hooked up
With Eight Elbows

And I think
It kinda odd
That he’s eating
Diner food
And I’m thinking
A pro athlete
Could spring
For healthy grub

He’s working
With Trey Davis
But they keep it
On the down low
Is Trey more
Than just a trainer?
Jaquan said
He was “full-service”

And I’m thinking
Of perversities
That go on
In Trey’s folks’ house
Has he filled it
Full of Muscle Marys?
How I
Wish I had brain bleach

‘Cross from Jaquan
Sits this geezer
All his shirts
Are labeled “Monmouth”
He’s indulging
Daughter Heather
But he
Sucks at throwing footballs

And I couldn’t
Help but notice
That Heather’s now stuck
In the corner
How did this
Turn into mansplaining?
How did
This go so wrong?

What about
The kid Pelwecki?
Oh, I didn’t
see him still here
Do you think
He’ll play at fullback?
Only if Gil’s
Passed out drunk…

And if all the rest are hurt…
And if Milford’s out
Of the playdown hunt…

To the Milford Country Club
Let’s watch Gil berate some kids


  1. Teenchy has set the bar high. Very high!

    We seem to have all the central figures foregrounded for some kind of engaging story. Will it involve the fact there’s a full service rehab center in Mfnrd nobody knew about? Will there be henna tattoos, or “bootlegged” Thera-Bands which are actually legitimate? Is there simply a spark waiting to be struck, such as the time Tom Petty left his guitar at Jeff Lynne’s house, leading to the formation of The Traveling Wilburys? Will Jaquan talk Heather out of skipping college to be his personal workout partner in the NBA?

    Something tells me, though, that this is not going to be about Kevin Palooka making the depth chart in the backfield.

    Comment by vaganova — August 5, 2017 @ 11:10 am

  2. OK, Jaquan’s having the burger and fries, just like a rehabbing pro athlete would. Pelwecki’s got a hot dog and some… chips? Heather, being a girl, has the salad, of course. Heather’s dad has the big plate of… uh… guessing muskmelon and Fritos?

    For drinks, it’s water all around except for Pops’ coffee.

    Hard to believe this is what you get when a bigshot NBA star takes you out to lunch. And again, if Trey is his entire entourage, he’s doing it wrong.

    Comment by John S. Walters — August 5, 2017 @ 12:07 pm

  3. I am having a lot of trouble suspending my disbelief.
    1. As Teenchy and John pointed out, Jaquan’s cheeseburger combo meal is nowhere close to anything an NBA vet would indulge in, especially with the season only two months away.
    2. What sort of paperwork does a trainer with only one client require, anyhow?
    3. Trey repurposed the childhood homestead as a workout center? How do you get big deal athletes to come? Client: “How would I get there? What state is Milford in?” Trey: “Can I get back to you on that?”
    4. If you’re rehabbing a basketball player at Milford High School, wouldn’t you have asked the athletic director for permission to use the gym? Not that he’d remember.
    5. If you actually had a workout center in town that was attracting athletes beyond slow and clumsy 8th graders, wouldn’t Marty and Marjie be keeping a close eye on it? This is a town so desperate for sports that a local radio station is able to profitably broadcast high school baseball games.
    6. If Trey is bringing clients to the old house, has the town zoning board approved a commercial use in a residential zone?
    I guess we’ll check in Monday and see if this plot is moving in any particular direction …

    Comment by Philip — August 5, 2017 @ 1:50 pm

  4. Muskmelon and Fritos. Very nice John S. That’s either the name of the band I’ll never form or the name of my fantasy football team. Thanks and cheers!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — August 5, 2017 @ 3:54 pm

  5. Truly awesome work, teenchy!!
    I mentally sang it in my head as I read along.
    Not only hilarious, but you matched the lyrics and meter perfectly!
    Perhaps you should change your posting name to Luka?

    Comment by Moon Mullins — August 5, 2017 @ 10:05 pm

  6. Slow clap for todays post. A thing of beauty.

    Comment by billytheskink — August 5, 2017 @ 10:24 pm

  7. Pretty sure that’s a plate of Soylent Green, not a salad.

    Comment by Ol'Froth — August 6, 2017 @ 9:21 am

  8. Soylent Green is guys who washed out after high school sports!

    Comment by John S. Walters — August 7, 2017 @ 5:31 am

  9. I thought Trey was some kind of big-time athletic trainer of world renown? And how he’s literally running a gym out of his parent’s garage??

    Comment by hitorque — August 7, 2017 @ 11:52 am

  10. […] Now we’ve left the Milford School Board For the diner Named for Janet Oh, I never Really ate here But my boyfriend Recommends it […]

    Pingback by Not Janet’s Diner Again!?! | This Week in Milford — August 14, 2019 @ 11:24 am

  11. […] Let’s not cast True aside so quickly. Maybe he can hook up with Trey Davis. I hear Trey’s full-service. […]

    Pingback by They Tried to Make Me Go to Milford | This Week in Milford — July 25, 2020 @ 3:25 pm

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