This Week in Milford

November 8, 2017

The Impossible Turd And Other Unanswered Questions


Panel 1: Is Little Ricky wearing pads? Cargo pants? Why are his feet splayed like that and where are his crutches? What the hell is going on here?

Panel 2:  Isn’t Rick supposed to be a big guy? Tall, at least? Is he sitting down here? How much does anyone want to bet that balancing an open umbrella on the top of his bald spot goes viral ten times faster than a video of some random tank town high schooler singing the national anthem?

Panel 3: How many editors does it take to cut this thing together? Who the hell is paying for any of this and why? Is Uncle Gary going to drink that entire bottle of ketchup?



  1. Put an editing team together? What a douche. People in the music business have to put in years of work, play different venues for peanuts, and then even if they are good, still hope that someone who can change their career notices them; one national anthem ain’t gonna cut it, Uncle Dickwad. The Heather/JQ story made more sense than this one.

    Comment by franku2016 — November 8, 2017 @ 10:22 am

  2. I swear, you could flip-flop Uncle Gary’s antics for an “I Love Lucy” episode where Lucy is desperately(again) attempting to convince her husband, Ricky Ricardo, to be one of the singing acts at the Club Tropicana and no one would ever know the difference.
    “Loo-see, Loo-see, Loo-see, no way I cahn per-meet Meester Soto going on stage. He’s just a teenager. They’d run heem straight out of the building. I no care how he sang “Tea for Two” at his high school musical. The pah-rents and his clahsmates were applauding just to make heem feel appreciated.”

    In the office, Dr. Pearl and Uncle Gary are in engaged in a heated debate over Tori Amos’ “Cornflake Girl”


    Comment by T. Drew Hardin — November 8, 2017 @ 10:28 am

  3. In 2017, “putting an editing team together” means finding a teenager who can do all that shit on their phone.

    Comment by John S. Walters — November 8, 2017 @ 12:44 pm

  4. “Rick Soto’s anthem brings down the house”? How many memorable performances of the national anthem can anyone name? Whitney Houston at the ’91 Super Bowl, and Hendrix at Woodstock, and … I guess that’s it. Uncle Gary will have to hire some Romanian hackers to build bots that will view Rick’s performance repeatedly and goose the view total. Gil will have to keep tinkering with the veer. And Rubin will have to figure out a way to tie all this up in about four weeks.

    Comment by Philip — November 8, 2017 @ 2:09 pm

  5. Roseanne Barr did a memorable national anthem too

    Comment by franku2016 — November 8, 2017 @ 2:52 pm

  6. …and how can he sing with that pole shoved up his ass?

    Comment by franku2016 — November 8, 2017 @ 2:53 pm

  7. Yeah, Frank, there was an earlier draft (did you all know that on occasion I actually write multiple drafts of this schlock?) that referenced the unfortunate intersection of the yardline but, shockingly enough, it didn’t meet my standards for publishing, such that any exist…


    Comment by timbuys — November 8, 2017 @ 3:12 pm

  8. I insist we add Renee Fleming at the 2014 Stupor Bowl to the list of memorable performances of the anthem at football games.

    But our friends are right. Whigrub is picturing 1952 with dozens of people racing around trimming wires and hand-cranking spliced film. Video editing today can be done with one hand and too often is.

    And thank you, franku2016, for validating my first reaction to P1, that Rick was getting chummy with a ballbat.

    Comment by vaganova — November 8, 2017 @ 4:16 pm

  9. Aw, c’mon, vaganova, et al, I saw James Brown balance himself on a Louisville Slugger Special while jammin’ on “Living in America”(sarcasm permeating the football field).
    And acknowledging, indeed, the bad artwork that is acutely noted by our writers today, I also noticed that the football Mudlarks left their Rogaine back in the locker room.
    Last but not least, I think those are socks our wheeler-dealer a/k/a Uncle Gary is wearing in P3 unless “some assembly required” refers in this case to his lower appendages.

    Comment by T. Drew Hardin — November 8, 2017 @ 4:33 pm

  10. T Drew has set the price. But I would also bring up Lou Rawls’s famous interpretation, beginning in 1977 and repeated many times afterward (it’s so good that you forgive his turning “banner” into triplets instead of a pair of ties.) But I agree that The Chief has worn out his practice of depicting glossy teenaged hair as a monastic tonsure. The two kids in the middle distance in p2 may represent a tribute to the recently departed YA Tittle, but the convention is not working.

    Comment by vaganova — November 8, 2017 @ 6:01 pm

  11. Good Lord! Uncle Gary stole Tom Dempsey’s right foot!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — November 8, 2017 @ 6:19 pm

  12. Wayne Messmer at the 1991 NHL All-Star Game in Chicago. I had already featured Rosanne Barr in my last post.

    Comment by robmize2013 — November 8, 2017 @ 7:57 pm

  13. Wayne Messmer! A fellow alum of our tiny microuniversity, IL Wesleyan. He’s usually about the only noteworthy fellow in the alumni magazine, except perhaps for actor (and occasional Oscar nominee) Richard Jenkins, who you’ll remember as the dead undertaker father in “Six Feet Under”.

    Comment by Moon Mullins — November 8, 2017 @ 9:44 pm

  14. Jack Sikma also went to Wesleyan if I’m not mistaken.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — November 8, 2017 @ 10:10 pm

  15. Correct! And the guy who narrowly lost the Illinois governor’s race a term ago, who’s married to my old chemistry lab partner (who did have the deepest blue eyes I’ve ever seen, which made up for her beaker skills, but I digress).

    Comment by Moon Mullins — November 8, 2017 @ 10:42 pm

  16. It’s been a long, long while since I’ve been to Wrigley, but now that I think about it, I have seen Wayne Messmer perform in public more frequently than any other singer by easily dozens of times. I suppose Harry Caray would be second runner up. Those were the days…

    Comment by timbuys — November 9, 2017 @ 9:55 am

  17. And were you Messmer-ized?

    Comment by Moon Mullins — November 9, 2017 @ 2:10 pm

  18. […] I had a mild sprain Doc made me skip a game Coach Thorp made me take it slow Least I got to sing at home Uncle salts the mine, ya know Made a YouTube video Just wanna play the line Not just play at talent […]

    Pingback by He goes on after some lip-sync chicks | This Week in Milford — December 30, 2017 @ 3:21 pm

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