This Week in Milford

December 19, 2017

So, Does That Make Uncle Gary An Internet Pirate?


Oh boy is Panel One ever so helpful in bringing us all up to speed. Thanks for the refresher Whigrub. Little Ricky’s bald spot seems to have migrated to the side of his head so that will bear monitoring I suppose.

I would like to point out all of the things which astound me about Panel Two but there’s no time as one’s attention is immediately captured by the magnificent bricks of the Ioan Anderson Travel agency. Besides which I believe the quoted text is more hilarious than anything which I’m likely to conceive.

Bonus commenter challenge: Identify each spectacular vacation vista beckoning to the odd passerby who might, on the spur of the moment, step into the office and embark on the voyage of a lifetime far from dreary and dilapidated Milford.

Metapost: We don’t have a tag and I can’t recall Kelly’s last name but this post should be tagged for her.  (I almost slipped and created a tag with a former colleague’s last name which was alliterative with her first name. Gonna guess that person doesn’t read the blog but still…)

Update: Tag for Kelly Krystek added thanks to the always reliable Maintainer of the Milford .xlsx, billytheskink!

Inspiration for today’s post title.


  1. If it turns out that Uncle Gary isn’t really a hotshot attorney from LA, I’m gonna be more upset than I really should be about a daily newspaper comic strip.

    Comment by timbuys — December 19, 2017 @ 11:45 am

  2. I’ve already identified THREE getaway destinations– Paris, Open, and I’m pretty sure the third is Tarp. What do I win? The travel agency business is slow these days, and Ioan will probably not mind Kelly’s sleuthing at work.

    Comment by vaganova — December 19, 2017 @ 11:51 am

  3. timbuys, what if he’s a disbarred attorney who lost his license when a witness refused to sing, costing him the case of the rigged football game?

    It’s been a while* since I took the MPRE but I don’t believe the situation as described was ever specifically addressed in The Rules of Professional Conduct. – TimP

    *ETA: Wow, I just got a little depressed when I actually thought about how long ago that was. We were so young.

    HAHAHA Ha…

    Comment by vaganova — December 19, 2017 @ 11:53 am

  4. Kelly’s last name is Krystek. Her first appearance in a long time and she doesn’t even get to actually appear.

    Gil’s influence has clearly rubbed off on Kaz. 10 years ago he actually tried to find out who was sending threatening notes to Gail Martin before he resorted to hiring a private investigator. Now just he lets his girlfriend do all of the work, for free of course.

    Thanks, Billy! Tag added. Seriously, my former colleague’s name is almost identical. Imagine something like Kelly Krysteksti (not her real name). – TimP

    Comment by billytheskink — December 19, 2017 @ 11:53 am

  5. 1. Uh-oh… Kommisar Gilberto and Minister of General Morale Kaz are about to start invading some privacies and ruining some reputations… And I see the Directorate under Minister of Information “Fraulein Kelly” is already busy at work making Gary Glitter an unperson…

    2. Seriously… What’s so fucking bad about a douchebaggy uncle using his one undeniable otherworldly talent (turning nobodies from nowhere into instant nationally known viral stars) to give his nephew a future of fame, fortune and adulation? It’s not like Rick is some major college prospect with NFL dreams… Some chicks out there dig jocks, but *ALL* chicks dig musicians/singers… Doesn’t Rick like girls? Or is there another reason why he feels compelled to stay a regular visitor to the Milford locker room+showers???

    Comment by hitorque — December 19, 2017 @ 11:54 am

  6. Bonus content — Heather Gruden-Shanahan (currently telling all the players and coaches how to do their jobs at the University of Iowa, who incidentally regressed to a 7-5 record this season) only wishes she could throw with this kind of power and grace:

    Comment by hitorque — December 19, 2017 @ 11:59 am

  7. Man, I knew small towns get screwed on high-speed internet, but it’ll take them until TOMORROW to get the goods on Uncle Gary?

    (Greatest Idea That Will Never Happen: Uncle Gary turns out to be Ransom Hale, the notorious tattoo artist/DVD bootlegger from spring 2012.)

    Your proposed narrative would be an exceptionally welcome development. – TimP

    Comment by John S. Walters — December 19, 2017 @ 12:09 pm

  8. I guess if you don’t have Lisbeth Salander to do your hacking, Kelly would be my second choice.
    I cannot refrain from pointing out that Rubin could have done this a month ago, instead of letting the story’s pace come to a complete stop.

    Comment by Philip — December 19, 2017 @ 12:33 pm

  9. Just what I needed today – an MPRE flashback.

    The GIL and BOB mugs could be shout-outs to area codes in Pennsylvania and Nebraska, but I prefer to think Kaz is an 808 State fan. Then again they are sleuthing, so it could be a shout-out to Magnum, P.I.‘s Ferrari.

    Comment by teenchy — December 19, 2017 @ 12:51 pm

  10. Agree with hitorque. It’s certainly not weird. That’s just Rick’s way of saying meddlesome. But Gil pounced on the word weird. Now he’s gonna do a background check. Nice. Seasons almost over and Gil is starting to care. Now THAT’S weird!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — December 19, 2017 @ 12:58 pm

  11. Sorry, teenchy. I am a recovering attorney myself and have been able to hold on to my “Voluntarily Inactive” Bar card for many, many years albeit one day at a time…

    Comment by timbuys — December 19, 2017 @ 2:15 pm

  12. Kelly and the Travel Agency, eh? Well that takes us back to one of the most celebrated, obscure memes in TWIMdom, the long lost Mr. Bakst and his fateful trip to Charleston. (Say, if you snip that little ponytail off Mr. Bakst, he looks kinda familiar. We didn’t catch Mr. Bakst’s first name. Do we know Uncle Gary’s last name? Hmmmmmmm.)

    I hope Kelly in amenable to doing web ninja stuff on company time. She might have actual work to do, BOB!

    Intriguing theory, ned. Note that there is substantial evidence that Mr. Bakst is a Friend of Neal whose first name is not Gary. – TimP

    I guess the point is moot now that we know UG’s full name. I was concerned on Kelly’s behalf that Gil and Bob might not have had this information. “Uncle Gary? That’s who you want me to ninja search?”…I think I performed an exhaustive search for facts about Uncle Gary a few weeks ago on these vary pages. – ned

    Comment by nedryerson — December 19, 2017 @ 2:26 pm

  13. I was wondering if UG might be a reappearance of Ransom K Sidebar, the “Australian” from Ohio who did tattoos and sold legit DVDs as counterfeit. I am pretty sure we will find out UG is in– or fleeing– some kind of scam that will get him thrown out of the house, but Philip is right– we have near a standstill for a long time. Thanks to Edgar Allan Poe, there is a tactic in fiction writing known as “retardation,” the deliberate delaying of the reader’s discovery of key details, but it is usually done by the insertion of interesting distractions rather than by treading water, as in this case.

    Comment by vaganova — December 19, 2017 @ 3:03 pm

  14. Thanks also to Philip for raising the name Lisbeth Salander. If she happened to be in Mfnrd, perhaps she could incapacitate UG and tattoo “I am a manipulate asshole who tries forcibly to take boys away from their real interests and to compel them to do what I want” on UG’s lower abdomen.

    Comment by vaganova — December 19, 2017 @ 3:07 pm

  15. Oh goody goody, we MIGHT wrap up football via some amateur investigation that not even Gil, all-knowing guru with “one size fits all and for every occasion answers, regardless of the sport like he’s been doing for 60 years” is qualified to tackle. I’ll just stay behind 611 and 808 and observe. Even if they dig up the skinny on Uncle Gary, why o why do we wait until the Yuletide season to do any probing? UG was inflicting quite a bit of damage before then. Us old-timers are not used to Gil being an absentee landlord for 2-3 months, then deciding he’s going to do SOMETHING when all the Christmas shopping is completed.
    Oh, well, I’ll keep the egg nog warm while you get a scoop, Coach.

    Comment by T. Drew Hardin — December 19, 2017 @ 5:13 pm

  16. Check out the doctor in P2 here – looks a lot like Marjie Ducey now. Hot.

    Comment by robmize2013 — December 19, 2017 @ 7:47 pm

  17. Nice, vaganova. “Open”. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.

    Comment by Moon Mullins — December 19, 2017 @ 9:58 pm

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