This Week in Milford

March 6, 2018

Go Ahead, You Can Chant All You Want, But You Got No Philosophy.

Filed under: Exploding Eyeball Syndrome, Marty Moon — tdrewhardin @ 5:31 am

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God, I gotta quit listening to Ben Folds Five when I’m doing my post. Not a way to mix business with pleasure.

And folks, we are pulling out all the stops here as we have a battle royale on our hands. Poor Marty is left clueless for a riposte. Well, that’s what Thorpiverse wants you to THINK anyway. T-verse is just hoping you stay with the plot that has not surprisingly offered little drama from the sports angle anyway and wait to see if Marty winds up diving in the same radioactive pool of water that befell Dr. No when the latter tried to tangle with James Bond.  But when has ANYBODY seen Marty throw in the towel, let alone drown in Dr. No’s cesspool? And Gil couldn’t manage, unlike James Bond, to throw Marty out the same airplane window that sucked poor ol’ Goldfinger and sent him crash-landing belly-up 10,000 feet below. If ANYONE, and that goes for you too, Paloma and Ernie, thinks that they’re going to hear that ugly grating Model T sound that we all heard on Dr. No’s island after James Bond turned the steering wheel the wrong way and all the Dr. No myrmidons are going to run every which way in Milford’s gym after Marty called Jorge a “Jose Cuervo on the boards”,  I got farm land to sell you, cheap, right behind McShane’s Hardware.  They might run like hell towards the ocean to escape but Marty and Milford’s gym should be intact by the time M picks up Mr. Bond.

The Gang of 15 enter Milford’s gym after paying for their tickets.

“How many?”

“15, please.”

“Protesting or non-Protesting?”

“Oh, definitely Protesting.”

“Right this way. We have a section right behind the WDIG table. Should have no problem with the reception picking up your favorite grievances. Enjoy the show.”

“And some Japanese man has entered the gym. Looks like he could use the Ultra Slim-Fast plan. WHOOAAAA, he just flung his top hat at me. Thank God, the old reflexes are kickin’ in after 60 years on the job. Unfortunately, can’t say the same for Coach Kaz. Luhm’s coming in now to sweep up his head. The towel boys are wiping off all the blood on the court. The refs are enforcing the no-blood rule.”

And aside from the problem I’m having trying to link up all the balloon comments to the speakers (sheesh, T-verse, I’d rather pick up Kaz’s head), who you gonna replace Marty with should you succeed in running him out of the gym with this scathing tirade? Mrs. Aardvark? She’s too busy watching her son inbound the ball. Not that Marty is going to take it and like it. Marty is not going to be written out of the script, Paloma and company. Protest all you want. You can shout from the top of your lungs MARTY IS A WIENIE!!!!!!!!! or PEACHES DESERVED BETTER!!!!!!!!! and when the smoke has cleared, Marty will still be spewing his venom for generations to come. In fact, I can see this 40-50 years down the road when Paloma has grandkids:

“Where are you going, in multiples of 5, Mariposa?”

“Down to Barry Bader Field to air our complaints. Milford is taking on Oakwood and we’re going to cram into Marty’s little hot dog stand and give him a piece of our mind!!!!!!!He can’t call HOR-hay III a ‘Speedy Gonzales around the base paths’ and get away with it!!!!!!! He’ll be in the unemployment line Monday morning if we have anything to do with it or my name doesn’t mean ‘butterfly’!!!!!!!”

“Well, tell Marty, Paloma says ‘hi’. And I changed jobs at the phone company.”

If ya got a cheering section that ya drag along at yore Industrial League softball game on Wednesday night at the Milford Sports Complex and ya enjoy downin’ a Bud Lite in the dugout after ya flew like a Mexican jumping bean on an inside-the-park job and yore cheering section chants in Latin American Spanish “Flies like a mariposa and stings like an abeja,” ya might be a redneck.

Heard midway through the 3rd quarter on WDIG:

“…and HOR-hay signals time out as Coach T wants to talk things over after Valley Tech has gone in a 10-3 run. And with-

MARTY IS A STUPID BROADCASTER WHOSE LUCK HAS RUN OUT, MARTY IS A…

-3:25 to go in the 3rd Quarter, it’s Milford, 53, Valley Tech, 51. You’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Ohhhhhhhhh, Marty, surely you have other things to do besides rip athletes to shreds here at WDIG studios. And Anonymous Calculus Dude is in Guatemala on a sales run. Why don’t you let me show you a good time?”

“Sorry, Miss Moneypenny, this time the kids are out to hurt somebody and I got to take action. Besides, Peaches and I are spending a weekend at the New Thayer Hilton.”

I will be doing a Women’s History segment once a week. Today’s entry is none other than my own mother. Before I get run out of Milford on nepotism charges, let me say that Jacqueline Lee Hardin defied a lot of odds when she took the hammer and nail and rebuilt the inner city through Habitat for Humanity. She unfortunately played go-for until one day when a worker didn’t show up, my mother stepped to the plate and hammered the day away. She was one of them by day’s end. Two newspaper articles liberally singing her praises stamped their seal of approval on her contributions. Mom, you’ve come a long way from the day when you went to the hardware store to ask whether a project required a 9/16 or a 3/8 socket and the hardware clerk asked “What does your husband think?” I love you and salute you, Mom.

Gang, if you need me, I’ll be under the bleachers. Oddjob isn’t getting MY HEAD on a silver platter.

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9 Comments »

  1. What are the odds Marty slips up and says “WILL YOU IGNORANT BITCHES SHUT THE FUCK UP!! NONE OF YOU CARE ABOUT THAT RICE-AND-BEANER ANYWAY!” on a hot mic?

    Comment by hitorque — March 6, 2018 @ 9:46 am

  2. In panel 1, the chants are coming from IN FRONT of Marty.

    Otherwise, I’m disappointed in the lack of originality. Maracas would be much more festive, fun and ironic.

    Comment by John S. Walters — March 6, 2018 @ 10:15 am

  3. I was hoping they would pelt Marty with frozen burritos.

    Comment by Ol'Froth — March 6, 2018 @ 10:19 am

  4. All I can see when I look at panel two is all of the noses. So many noses.

    Agreed, it’s a lame chant but it did get Marty to pop an eyeball and lose his cool on air so there’s that.

    ETA: I know some of our readers are based in Texas. If you haven’t already, please take the time to vote in the primary of your choice today! Thank you!

    Comment by timbuys — March 6, 2018 @ 10:44 am

  5. I voted early, timbuys, but only for candidates with similar names to characters in this strip, and also some guy named Armen who insists that his nickname is “Hammer”…

    “Peaches deserved better!” – I like it! Maybe throw in a “Helen Hix deserved better!” too.

    Comment by billytheskink — March 6, 2018 @ 11:02 am

  6. My prayers will have been answered if tomorrow Duncan throws a drink on Marty and then Moon goes all Ron Artest into the stands.

    Comment by timbuys — March 6, 2018 @ 11:54 am

  7. Hey, I wasn’t too far off with #notmymoon.

    Comment by teenchy — March 6, 2018 @ 2:56 pm

  8. Great comments, gang. They made me laugh. And think. God, what a dangerous combo(ha). Let’s do ‘er again tomorrow.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — March 6, 2018 @ 11:57 pm

  9. You all did great, gang, thanks for your comments, but teenchy, gotta hand it to you, you DID call this one out. Pretty much to the letter. And as long as we’re hash taggin’ it(liked that idea too) and as long as I haven’t flushed Ben Folds Five entirely out of my system, I got one. How ’bout #wheresmartym. Killed 2 birds with one stone.
    Now if MartyM can only survive the crucifixion.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — March 7, 2018 @ 6:57 am


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