This Week in Milford

April 3, 2018

I’d buy 1000 @$&#% boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese from the Milford S mart!!!!!!!!

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 3:09 am


Gang, Marty’s in trouble. There’s an old Chinese proverb that says that when a man raises his fists, he has lost the battle of wits. And Marty lost. Big time. One thing any coach learns when coaching any sport is NEVER stoop to the level of a kid. Either return fire with a winning comedy routine or a winning game plan that’ll shut ’em up or just plain SHUT UP. Hoo boy, Marty’s in trouble.                           But I’m still not convinced that Marty will be deleted from the strip. We’ve had good arguments either way from our readers but 10-15 commercials, many of them alternating between Milford Men’s Clinic and Milford Feed & Grain Supply plus a rerun marathon of “Bewitched”(If I were to interpret “’60’s show” loosely to include TV) is not enough evidence that Ernie the P will be the first person in 60 years to topple Moon Enterprises. You never know but I’ll bet they’re gonna beat this horse to death, gang. One thing we do know NOW.  Based upon Coach Kaz’s wording(faintly possible TV angle again)who’s to say they aren’t broadcasting Mudlark games from satellite in Taiwan? There must be a Mudlark fan base in Taipei. And I thought WDIG was just a mom-and-pop outfit.

Ooooooooookkkkkkkkk, with Ernie the P on accordion, Karina Klown on banjo, Paloma on rhythm guitar, Dr. Pearl on percussion, the parrot doing the back-up vocals, a one, a two, E the P, you start off

E the P “If I had a million dollars”                     KK “If I had a million dollars”                       E the P “I’d have Marty’s head on a silver platter”                                                               KK “And not the platter you buy at Tractor Supply”                                                               E the P “And if I had a million dollars”               KK “If I had a million dollars”                       E the P “I’d build a tree fort in the gym”             KK “Hey, it’s not being used a lot anyway” E the P “And if I had a million dollars”             Everybody, including Polly, in unison         “I’D DITCH THIS PLOTTTTTT”                            E the P “If I had a million dollars”                        KK “We’d take over at WDIG”                            E the P “If I had a million dollars”                     KK “Plenty of office space for you and me”

E the P “I want Marty’s old pad”                   KK “NO FRICKIN’ WAY!!!!!!! I’m not cleaning up Brother Mary Elephant’s cigar butts he threw on the floor”                              E the P “Then go occupy Anonymous Calculus Dude’s pad. It has a nice view of the Milford skyline”

E the P “If I had a million dollars”              KK “If I had a million dollars”                       E the P “I’d hit the nightclubs where Aardvark does his thing”                                      KK “Haven’t you wondered what’s happened to him lately?”                               E the P “And if I had a million dollars”             KK “If I had a million dollars”                       E the P “I’d buy a set of golf clubs and learn from Gil”                                                        KK “He only teaches his kids, you know it’s true”                                                                   E the P “And if I had a million dollars”               Everybody mentioned above, plus Mrs. Aardvark, Coach Shaw plus all the other cameo coaches in the ’80’s-’90’s era, Luke Bunkin as a throw-in, altogether now                                      “I’D DITCH THIS PLOTTTTTT”                            E the P “If I had a million dollars”                     KK “We’d crash The Bucket every day”       E the P “If I had a million dollars”                      KK “Dump coins in their jukebox and press ‘play'”

E the P “Just puh-LEASE don’t play Slim Whitman’s “Jailhouse Rock”. That yodeling upsets my stomach when I’m downing a Bacon Bucket Burger Kraft Macaroni ‘n’ Dijon Ketchup Combo”                                                           KK “BUT HE WAS #1 OVER IN ENGLAND!!!!!!!!!!”                                                  E the P “Yeah, but did they have to listen to that song a million times in a row?”             KK “No worse than reading this plot a million times in a row”                                   E the P “Speaking of which…”

Everybody mentioned above plus the Milford cafeteria ladies who are our unsung heroes since nobody knows them by name and feeds the starving Mudlark contingent all the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese boxes left over from the song                 “I’D DITCH THIS PLOTTTTTTT”                     E the P “If I had a million dollars”                         KK “IF I HAD A MILLION DOLLARS”           E the P “If I had a million dollars”                       KK “IF I HAD MILLION DOLLARS”               IF I HAD A MILLION DOLLL-LA-LA-LA-LAHHHHHH-ERS

I’d be Gil

Dr. Pearl: “Gil, the principal of Jefferson High School just called. He and their athletic director are upset that Kraft Macaroni boxes were thrown at their players and fans. You might want to address that at the pep assembly this afternoon.”                                                    Gil: “Way ahead of you. Luhm’s in there now with the industrial vac and I will warn them that Milford Pinkertons will be scattered throughout the gym at Friday’s game with Tilden. They can also make a donation of a Kraft Macaroni box at the door for free admission plus a raffle ticket for a chance to win a 3-day stay at Mudlark Lake Resort. Proceeds will go to Milford Food Pantry.”                                                           Dr. Pearl: “Fair enough. Here, have mine. I was going to take it home and mix it with Hamburger Helper but the streets of Milford need it more than I do. Now what are we going to do about Marty?”                       Gil: “Let it cool down and drag the plot another 2-3 months, then have another pep assembly where Marty can apologize. I can take the high road and ride to the rescue in Marty’s defense. School in July isn’t real life but who’s gonna notice?”             Dr. Pearl: “BTW, who won between you and Jefferson?”                                                         Gil: “I don’t remember. I was too busy taking the high road.”

If ya git pulled over in yore pickup for a DUI and you failed the breathalyzer test cuz the Kraft Macaroni ‘n’ Spam on yore breath gave away the 3-times-over-the-limit tequila in yore bloodstream, ya might be a redneck.

Aired for the 7th time after Marty’s faux pas

“…I’d be Coach-for-a-day on Thorp’s staff” Coach Shaw bangs off the CD player and dials the phone in the kitchen.                           “Um, Yeah, this is Coach Shaw. I’d like to cancel that reservation on that single cabin on Lake Lot #27. Yeah, I’m sure, yes, I know there’s a waiting list-”                              “Honey, what are you doing?”                       “Uh, let me call you back!!!!”                                  SLAM!!!!!!!!!!                                                           “Honey, why are you canceling that 5-day trip to Mudlark Lake Resort?(She gets closer) Don’t you want to get more intimate?”                                                 “Well, uh, I’m going on a hunting trip with the guys. Me and Joe and Coach Kaz and Don and Randy and Earl and…”                         “Earl’s in the hospital with hip replacement surgery, remember?”                    “Yeah, THAT’S RIGHT. Anyway, …Gene and Clem and Carl…”                                                     “Are you having trouble getting up?”                “Hell, no, my back’s been a lot better lately…”.                                                                   “That’s not what I meant.”                                    “Dear, We’ve been waiting A WHOLE YEAR to hit that new Fish & Wildlife Area in the county and they say the place is just crawling with white-tails, antelopes, squirrels, gophers, mallard ducks, skunks, bears, jackrabbits, crows, moose, bison, rhinos-“.                                                  “There’s rhinos around here?”                          “Sure, I got my permit at the Milford Outdoor Shoppe and my deer license is still valid.”                                                               “Honey, it’s April. Deer season ended 4 months ago.”

“That was me, Coach Shaw, many months ago. I knew I needed to ‘fess up about my Erectile Dysfunction when I told her that bow season for buzzards only lasted a week. I could only stretch the truth so far. It was time to get my you-know-what down to the Milford Men’s Clinic to fortify the other side of my you-know-what. And you know what, hyphens aside? I called the resort back and kept that reservation!!!! I’m glad I did!!!!! I even shot an 8-point at Milford FWA. It’s a great day to be a man!!!!!!!! And not a great day to be Marty Moon!!!!!!!!”

Today’s headline from the Milford Enquirer

“Barenaked Ladies suing Ernie the P and Karina the Klown over copyright infringement!!!!!!”

sub head line

“Canadian group threatening cancellation of concert at Milford Outdoor Theater if matter isn’t resolved in court.”

“Gil, what’s a monkey doing in our garage? He ripped up one of the bags and there’s grass clippings all over the floor.”   “Sorry, dear. Couldn’t help myself. I had a little over from that inheritance. I’ll go sweep it up.”

Tomorrow will be the 50th Anniversary of the assassination of Doctor Martin Luther King Junior. The man, while alive, chose to overcome hate with love, a Christian example for all to see. All he wanted in the end was the ability to eat at the same dining table as the white man. Equality is more precious than gold. As U2 sang

Early evening, April 4                                     Shot rings out in the Memphis sky               Free at last, they took your life                     They could not take your pride

Please complete the mission.                         Spread the word.

Gang, have at it. Be a Good Samaritan/Simon Legree with Marty as your mood dictates. I’m going inside Milford Mall and close out some late Easter shopping. I think Goody’s has a few green dresses left-WHOA, what the heck’s Ernie the P and KK doing in front of MM performing with The Salvation Army Band?

E the P “I’d buy Mimi a green dress”       KK “But not a real green dress, that’s cruel”                                                                      E the P “And if had a million dollars”      KK “If I had a million dollars”                      E the P “I’d buy the faculty lounge a chesterfield or an ottoman”                           KK “How ’bout Principal Ek’s remains on display in the lobby”…

To be continued, but don’t hold your breath



  1. So Roger the Engineer at the studio was on top of things. Perhaps they didn’t have a delay (or Roger had already used it a few times and it wasn’t available….it’s an interesting bit of technology).

    What “shows from the 60s” were available in the WDIG archives? Do they archive old sports broadcasts? I probably wouldn’t call that “a show”. I have a lot of questions!

    T.Drew, that Barenaked Ladies song is where I learned that Kraft Macaroni & Cheese is called Kraft Dinner in Canada. (Kraft Dinner is much better, lyrically IMHO.)

    Comment by nedryerson — April 3, 2018 @ 6:30 am

  2. I’ll just overlook all the reality-defiance in today’s segment and observe that, thanks to Overseas Comics Colorization Sweatshop LLC, Gil and Kaz are looking totes adorbs in their matching bright red shirts today. It’s the Ambiguously Gay Duo!!!

    Comment by John S. Walters — April 3, 2018 @ 6:59 am

  3. Kelly Krystek, loyal Marty Moon listener.

    Comment by billytheskink — April 3, 2018 @ 8:14 am

  4. The sad part is this shit is still a million times better than anything Clay Travis or Colin Cowherd have ever spewed in their careers…

    Comment by hitorque — April 3, 2018 @ 8:16 am

  5. Okay, I’ve had time to think up more questions.

    Is WDIG an all sports format? Are they part of any kind of network or syndicate that might have some programming they can switch to? (Maybe they could have if Roger the Engineer hadn’t spilled coffee all over the board?)

    Comment by nedryerson — April 3, 2018 @ 8:32 am

  6. T.Drew, thank you for fixing U2’s lyric.

    Comment by nedryerson — April 3, 2018 @ 8:34 am

  7. Here’s another thing to like: The engineer’s hands are nowhere near the coffee cup, which appears to have leaped sideways into the air from the shock of Marty Moon’s cursing.

    Comment by John S. Walters — April 3, 2018 @ 9:00 am

  8. So when does Von Haney show up?

    Comment by teenchy — April 3, 2018 @ 9:55 am

  9. Hmm… a replay of some ’60s show… I’m guessing it was The Adventures of Chickenman (“He’s everywhere! He’s everywhere!”) Or possibly the Coach Art Turf Show, in which Coach Turf spent a lot of time discussing old Coach McDonald’s play selection in the E. I. E. I. O. game.

    All this time we thought the winter plot was going to concern the affairs of two resettled Puerto Rican players with different reactions to their situation, but no, it’s returned instead to one of the oldest story lines in GT history (“Marty is a jerk.”)

    Comment by vaganova — April 3, 2018 @ 11:14 am

  10. I don’t know why it took me so long to see this, but I just realized why I instinctively dislike Duncan despite approving of his overall plan. He looks like a young Woody Allen, who pissed me off– long before revelations of his personal life came out– by establishing the stereotype of New Yorkers as whining neurotics.

    Comment by vaganova — April 3, 2018 @ 3:41 pm

  11. Old 60’s shows huh? I think Kaz is off a few years. I’m thinking they’re playing the Bickersons or maybe Andy Griffiths,” What it was, was football.” Anyone remember those? My local radio station played those on Sunday mornings sometimes. In the 1980’s. Good thing roles are reversed. Marty would be playing Amos n Andy.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — April 3, 2018 @ 4:16 pm

  12. ned, thanks for the info on BNL. That’s an interesting tidbit but would make sense. I had read that lyric before typing my post and was debating between that and Mac ‘n Cheese and just went with my gut feeling. You are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, Kraft Dinner is more lyrical, by far.
    Good read on the U2 lyric too. Black coalitions like the NAACP diplomatically told the group that, while Negroes everywhere were appreciative of their tribute, the incident happened in the evening, not the morning like the song originally stated(and unfortunately I think still does). The group profusely apologized and promised to make the necessary correction, though that’s as far as I know. To err is human BUT I would hope the sooner the better to honor a man who did much for HUMANITY not just for his color. Thank you for your kind acknowledgement.

    Gang, another great day for comments. Y’all done good. They were funny and trenchant, pretty well puncturing a plot and its characters to shreds. You make democracy work. Let’s find out if Marty gets ousted by Nick at Nite(well, it was essentially a ’60’s show for years) tomorrow.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — April 3, 2018 @ 8:19 pm

  13. […] rando underclassman will call Marty to expose B/Robby on air, WDIG’s engineer will again lose his mind, and Gil’s reputation will be saved without any action on his part.  This had better be […]

    Pingback by An Echo Chamber Does Not a Groundswell Make | This Week in Milford — January 25, 2019 @ 10:32 pm

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