This Week in Milford

April 10, 2018

“Marty, it was just a bad dream. The plane didn’t crash.”

Filed under: Just plain sad, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 3:34 am

041018

Hmmmmmm. Gang, I’m never one to say “I told you so” but just a couple of days ago everybody was rejoicing and singing “Ding Dong, the witch is dead!!!!!”. Now, a lesson all of us who are teenagers or have been teenagers learn, many times THE HARD WAY, is that once you overthrow the despot, make sure you have a suitable replacement.

Give credit where credit is due. Though I admit I satirized the MPN and the ramifications thereof, I admired, and still admire their ability to settle the issue in a peaceful manner. And effective at that. Karina and Duncan had built a better mouse trap.

And let’s not kid ourselves, gang. Marty’s an ass. And should he return, and from all indications, based upon where I believe P3 is taking us, that looks like that’s a strong possibility, he will continue to be an ass. Gil rescued from the Titanic the one person who was a thorn in his side who second-guessed his EVERY coaching move for decades and will CONTINUE to second-guess him once they reach dry land. Gratitude is not in Marty’s vocabulary.

“My career got a second wind. And I owe it all to the one man who put Milford athletics on the map. His keen eye for detail plus his ability to lead kids to The Promised Land just floors me. I am truly sorry for being such a low-lying snake and a true-blue vermin to him for years but I fully intend to make restitution.”

Well, anyway, that student breaking the Fourth Wall in P1 has a nice smile.

Ooooookkkkkkk, gang, I tried to hold it in but the song demons got a hold of me and this is the result. Sung to the Beatles’ “You’re Gonna Lose That Girl”, I have a unique spin to Marty’s relationship to Karina/The Dove and vice versa. I took liberties with song structure so you’ll have to overlook my lyrical peccadilloes.  Without further ado

You kicked her in the face

And dragged her in the mud

You think you’re pretty cool

And such a macho stud

You’re gonna loooossee that girl

You’re gonna loooossee that girl

You’re gonna loooossee

THAT GIRL

You need to apologize

And simply eat your words

Or they’ll can you at ‘DIG

And then you’ll lose your shirt

You’re gonna loooossee your shirt

You’re gonna loooossee your shirt

You’re gonna loooossee

YOUR SHIRT

Guitar and banjo interludes backed by the Foggy Mountain Boys, Coach Kaz blowin’ on the whiskey jug

They’re having quite a blast

It’s all at your expense

Hugs, high-fives, they celebrate

Oh man, it’s so intense

You’re gonna goooo to H-

SCRATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, gang, I think you get the general idea. We have Born-Again Christians in the audience. Gotta keep it clean.

Heard at a speech at the Milford Civitan Club:

“Gil, there were times I doubted your ability to coach. Scratch that, just about ALL THE TIME, I didn’t think you knew your butthole from a hole in the ground about what you were doing. But when you pulled Danny Tippett out in the second quarter so he wouldn’t get that 3rd foul and he just dominated the rest of the Playdowns, well, this Bud’s for you, Gil. Oh, and so’s this Coach of the Year plaque. I used my Visa card at Milford Trophy Supply, number one, because they wouldn’t take American Express, but secondly, you deserve something special. I would have thrown in a bottle of champagne because you are the creme de la creme in the coaching ranks but Dr. Pearl reminded me that you can’t bring alcohol on school property. Anyway, congratulations, Coach.”

If you wuz goin’ to the Milford High School prom and ya find out yore pickup truck that ya smuggled from Cuba won’t start and ya use every tool imaginable and get down and greasy and pick apart the engine only to find out it was a loose battery cable end, then trip the night fantastic with yore 357-pound date even as yore tuxedo and corsage is caked with 10W40, ya might be a redneck.

“And another masterful job of Gil coaching the Milford Girls Basketball team while Mimi’s in Miami Beach at a coaching seminar. Good Lord, he can deftly coach the screen-and-roll no matter which gender. Paloma ran that backdoor to perfection. Coach T. just caught the Oakwood coaches with their pants down, literally.  There’s an Official’s Time Out to give time to rectify the situation and so we’ll go to break. The score with 2:54 left in the 3rd quarter is Milford, 41, and Oakwood, 28. This is WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

“Gil, that last load of laundry got me really horny. The kids are at the Kiddie Caravan Putting Clinic sponsored by the Milford Golf Course. Let’s have a quickie.”

“Sure, Mimi, I have a price list from The Bucket right here. We can order online. What sounds good? A Bucket Burrito? Strawberry Bucket Split?”

“Gil, let’s have sex.”

Choking on his Bud

“Are you sure that’s the last load? I didn’t see my jock straps in there. I gotta have one ready before that badminton tournament tomorrow.”

“Gil, I put a whole pile of them in the top drawer in the dresser. And wasn’t that tournament next week?”

“Um, yeah, I got that mixed up with strip bowling at Milford Lanes.”

“STRIP bowling???”

“Yeah, yeah, you take off an article of clothing for every gutter ball you roll. Thank God the kids aren’t playing in that one.”

“Gil, why would you need a jock strap at a bowling tournament? You only need one anyway. And with your 263 average, you won’t strip past your bowling shoes.”

“Um, er, you sure you washed EVERYTHIING? I didn’t find my Milford Garage Builders softball shirt. I forgot we had a game at midnight. Gotta hit the Milford Batting Cages. Do you have any spare tokens?”

“Gil, why can’t we get it on and charge up your game?”

“Oh, Man, Mimi, you know when we get down and dirty, I always wind up dipping my shoulder when I swing at the plate. Those pop-ups to the 3rd baseman just KILL a rally.”

“That was Gil several weeks ago and he was in a world of hurt, people. Hi, this is Coach Shaw on behalf of the Milford Men’s Clinic. Gil was no fun at practice, always belly-achin’ about his misadventures in bed. He had trouble humpin’ a pillow, so you can imagine what things were like with his wife. Or maybe you don’t wanna know. Well, I’m gonna tell you anyway, assholes, even if I can’t say that on the radio. I’m allotted only so many lines as Cameo Coach so I’m gonna make the most of it. Mimi was helpless watching Gil trying to air a flat tire with a coin-operated pump, inserting quarter after quarter and the little reader still at around 10 pounds psi. Gil would finally throw down the air hose disgustedly on the bed and just pull the covers over his head in embarrassment and turn the other way from Mimi. She had to be the one to turn out the lamp. Finally, after slamming his foot on a tackle dummy in anger and one Lord’s-Name-in-vain too many, in front of the sophomore practice team to make it worse, I HAD to confront the Commander-in-Chief. “General”, I said, “You need to go through the checkpoint at the base and head down to Milford Men’s Clinic. They take all major insurance and your sex life will improve. Look at it as Nautilus equipment for your phallic symbol.” And by golly Miss Molly, he took the plunge. Now he’s plunging in bed and Mimi’s enjoying those cannon balls and all the splashes that come with it. Damn the torpedos, full speed ahead. But don’t take my word for it. Check it out yourself. If ya have trouble finding it at Milford Mall, the  info booth in the center of the mall will happily steer you in the right direction. What do you have to lose, men? Swallow your pride and give it a ride. You know I did.”

I want to give a shout-out to Roth’s Pizzeria in Elberfeld, Indiana. Ryan Roth, the owner, loves people, has a charismatic personality, a spicy sense of humor, and makes some damn good food. His only fault is he is ALWAYS razzing me about my favorite college, NFL, and NBA teams (ha ha). Gang, if you’re in the neighborhood and he’s open, swing on by, you won’t be disappointed. A little out of the way, I’ll admit, but worth it. I miss ya, Ryan. You were FUN to work with at TJ Maxx. Let’s continue in Heaven, My Man. You da Man.

“What great coaching maneuvering ol’ Coach T. engineered. For years, I questioned his knowledge of the playbook. He looked like he was diagramming plays from ‘The Idiot’s Guide to Chemistry”. But his basketball coaching acumen is priceless. I can’t wait for baseball season. Gil will have that squeeze play executed to perfection by the end of August. And his pitching staff will be fully developed. They’ll have command of the fastball, curve, and slider in time for the plot to run its course. And he still has time to teach his kids how to get it on the green at the Milford Golf Course. The man’s a genius.”

Gang, while I am shoveling the doo-doo out of the gym, fire away. You make it happen.

And as an extra, I thought I’d sum up Marty’s situation(couldn’t guess from the title?-ha) with this video. You longtime Yes fans like yours truly and even you whippersnappers will enjoy this. Thanks to timbuys for the help. His point is well-taken. If you’re a frequent flier, you might get the jitters here. As I told him, I admit I’m a coward too(ha ha). Be that as it may, partake.

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7 Comments »

  1. Okay, soooo… Marty is suspended so WDIG just stops covering games??? Even the tankiest of Tank Town 100-watters has a backup plan. I mean, with all those ethnic restaurants clamoring for a chance to reach the hordes of Mudlark Nation, you gotta keep doing the games.

    Comment by John S. Walters — April 10, 2018 @ 6:11 am

  2. Yeah, I’m the guy standing outside the WDIG offices with the sign that sez “WE WANT PAUL STRANGE!”

    Comment by billytheskink — April 10, 2018 @ 8:38 am

  3. I can’t wait to see this season’s entry in the playbook.

    ??
    ?
    ?
    ???
    ??

    Comment by nedryerson — April 10, 2018 @ 12:43 pm

  4. Ol’ Dunc is one of the reasons Chris Rock said we need bullies.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — April 10, 2018 @ 3:59 pm

  5. Too bad, I thought we might get to see Marty singing,
    “I am the morning DJ, on W-O-L-D !
    Playing all the hits for you wherever you may be!
    The bright good-morning voice who’s heard but never seen!
    Feeling all of forty-five going on fifteen!”

    Comment by Moon Mullins — April 10, 2018 @ 6:40 pm

  6. Gang, another great day for comments. Y’all made me laugh, I swear. Moon Mullins, My Man, you’re tuggin’ at my heart. I listened to that the 1st time and fell in love with the song. And this was Harry Chapin well before “Cat’s in the Cradle” came out. He would get emotional on all his songs in concert but especially on “W-O-L-D-D-D-D-D-D-D…!!!!!!!!!!”. As I told timbuys, one of my favorites of all time.
    But again, you all made this a very successful post. Your comments were refreshing and on-point. Great day to be a TWIMer. Let’s do some more tomorrow.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — April 10, 2018 @ 10:50 pm

  7. Am I the only one who remembers when this whole charade was supposed to be about fighting racism?? This nerd is going to do something really dumb which will allow Gil to play the “both sides” card, and get Marty Martinez reinstated, isn’t he?

    Comment by hitorque — April 11, 2018 @ 10:18 am


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