This Week in Milford

April 24, 2018

“This is CNN live at Milford’s gym in the 28th day of the bargaining session and little progress has been made. Over to The Weather Channel across the gym for the start of the new plot.”

Filed under: Milford Idiots, Pointy Fingers, song parody — tdrewhardin @ 4:19 am

042418

…where the wavin’ wheat

can sure smell sweet

when the wind comes right behind the

rrraaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Plunking head with an aluminum bat) Sorry, gang, for a moment my mind was on vacation and my brain was working overtime in Oklahoma (sorry to butcher your lyrics, Mose Allison, I’ll check out your anthology at the library this week to make up for it). As in Oklahoma! You know, the musical. The exclamation mark is not a dead giveaway? Meanwhile, back in reality, Gil fast-forwarded from Studio 3 at WDIG to record (Gil doing back-up vocals as a tenor) with an up-and-coming K-Tel Records performer(should hit his stride on the commercial circuit between Archie & the Gang and the ABC Afternoon Special in about 3 years when not doing commercial breaks for WDIG at Boys/Girls basketball games) over to the gym and the plot already has a dead battery. Weren’t we just AT THE GYM??? Why are we still there? Oh, so Moose can start a new career teaching physics. Arguably better than his chances as a baseball player since we saw his football ambitions, well, let’s just say that at least we’re expecting Marty back by Mother’s Day. Besides, perfect opportunity given the weather. No sense in explaining launch angles in the batter’s box. You’d get soaked. Let’s not display the proper angle to go yard while swinging in Oklahoma!

And if Ernie the P and his buddy, Polly Parrot are hangin’ around in the gym-who’d REALLY be surprised?-ANYONE?-he and she (the parrot, of course) can videotape his golf swing. Sure, how to park one in the bleachers (the gym’s, not the ball park’s, it’s Oklahoma! weather, remember?) using proper trigonometric principles. Well, Marty’s not there to film Arnold “Moose” Palmer, he’s gone another 2 weeks.

Now, Physics is Phun in Baseball aside, can’t someone remember to PLEASE get a Sears Die-Hard Battery next time? If it can start in the throes of Antarctica, surely it can fire up in this flood of a storyline. And remember, we’ve already cornered the market on Noah’s Ark and there was no flooding in Oklahoma!, just rain, so Gil needs to rewire the Die-Hard to something more original. I think the Milford Pirate Network camera still has a charge.

Gang, you knew I’d have leftovers. Here’s that Totino’s Supreme Pizza that got abandoned for days in the fridge and got resurrected in the microwave

The radio voice in parentheses, just so you’ll know (or care), is Mr. Pocket Square Sporting Radio Station Manager/Brother Mary Elephant (teenchy’s take or mine, not offended in the slightest if you take his (sniff, sniff, getting out a handkerchief of my own))-pick ’em. From Paul McCartney’s album “Ram” (no, the donkey(BIG maybe, I’ll admit, just use your imagination, it’s a farm, understand, so pretend you have a Mattel See ‘n Say in your hands e. g. “The Cow says ‘Mooooooo'”, “Marty says ‘Eeee-Yore, Eeee-Yore'”) in the background isn’t Marty, in case anybody’s wondering),

We’re so sorry, Uncle Marty (We’re soooo sorry, ol’ chum)

But we haven’t heard from The Dove all day (just like her basketball career, dear boy)

We’re so sorry, Uncle Marty (we’re soooo sorry)

But if they grant us some concessions, you’ll be airing any day

Moooonnnnn across the airwaves

‘Larrrrrkkkkksss across the gym

Moooooooonnnn across the airwaves

‘Laaarrrrkkkkkksss across the gym

McCartney guitar lead-in

Admiral Gil Thorp notified Moon

He had to take it back or his job would take a swoon

He stuffed his face with beer nuts and drank a glass of beer with butter pie (he couldn’t melt the butter so he dumped it in the glass of be-)

Mooooonnn dead in the water

Mooooonnn a-splayed the lounge

Mooooonnnnn dead in the water

Moooooonnnn reeks like a ‘hound

Another McCartney guitar lead-in

Little Little Dove brought him to the ground (to the ground)

Marty lost some face and it’s still yet to be found

Little Little Dove crucified him good(nailed him good)

Marty Moon is so disgraced and besmirched the neighborhood

Mooooonnnn dead in the water

The music fading at the Milford Lounge, the jukebox coming alive with Dean Martin’s “Houston”

“Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry

When I take you in the surrey

When I take you out in the surrey with a friinggee on toppp

Watch the fringe and see how it flutters

When I drive them high-steppen strutt-“

“MOOSE, GIT OFF THE TOP OF THE DUGOUT AND GIT YORE ASS BACK IN THE GYM. THAR AIN’T GONNA BE ANY TWO-STEPPIN’ OUT IN THE RAIN. YULL KETCH PNEUMONIA”

“Kaz, I think Aunt Eller will work out fine as a coach. You might want to inform her of our coaching philosophy on profanity. It’s somewhere in the Milford High School Coaching Manual but I forgot where.”

Seen in the March 2018 issue of Guideposts: “When I’m getting attacked on all sides from a bunch of pukey teenagers that don’t know their BLEEP from a hole in the ground about broadcasting, I have a simple solution: I make my bed. Several confrontations between me and Coach T. have meekly melted away when I pull the twill covers over the sheets. I managed to avert danger once when Gil charged to his trunk to get his Winchester rifle when I said a Pony League Manager could have done a better job of coaching that hit-and-run against Oakwood by a deft flick of the pillow covers over the bed spread. And when I told Paloma my fuzzy car dice around the rear-view mirror was bigger than HERS? I may have had to go to the Milford Load-a-Suds to wash the egg-stained satin sheets after Peaches served breakfast-in-bed but victory was eventually achieved after a healthy supply of Tide. I pulled those sheets over the bed and did a Victory Lap. Talk about gaining a foothold on the Philistines.”

“Oh, what a beautiful morning

Oh, what a beautiful day

I got a wonderful feeling

Marty is going awaaayyyyy”

“Gil, that wasn’t nice. You know Marty and Jud will be back off suspension in a few weeks.”

On Free Meal Wednesday at Milford Open Fellowship Church: “Eccchhh, they put too many peppers in the chili again!!!!!!! And I HATE rye bread on the pimento sandwiches. So as I was saying, tell Paloma, sure, she can have a guest spot on the show. I’ll concede that position. But only after we win. Fans don’t want to listen to a parrot squawking after we got our asses handed to us. Hey, is there any more Chocolate Curl Cream Cheese Cake or did you throw it out?”

“And that’s gonna do it for the 3rd quarter. I have no clue what happened. I’m still a little light on the basketball lingo. I DID identify correctly a 3-point play when an Oakwood player pulled on Aardvark’s gym trunks as the A went up for a layup so YAAAYYYY for me!!!! Still fuzzy on things like ‘correctable error’ or ‘defense responsible for contact when vertical plane is violated’. Eh, I’ll let the Milford Injury Attorney sort that out. The score after 3, Milford, 49, Oakwood, 41, this is Ernie the P comin’ atcha in Milford’s gym on the Milford Pirate Network, a division of Lear Field Sports.(heard off the air just before commercial break) Can somebody get the janitor? The parrot just doo-doo’d again. Who fed him nacho chips ‘n’ cheese sauce while I was broadcasting?”

“Hi, this is Coach Gil Thorp and y’know, practices can get real intense. Then there’s game time. When the ump says “Play Ball!” your adrenaline is really pumpin’. Your nerves can be on edge throughout the game and it can get dicey, win, lose, or draw. And when a tall glass of Lowenbrau at the Milford Lounge isn’t enough, I head to Milford Liquor Warehouse. That’s right, check out all the varieties from Drewry’s Low-Sodium Lite in 24-Packs to Bluegrass State Bourbon. Man o Man, I know what booze I’M going to be sloshing with Mimi in those shot glasses we received as a wedding gift 30 years ago when we watch the Kentucky Derby on the wide-screen TV this year. And for all you wine lovers, boy, are you in for a treat. This week’s special features Boone’s Farm Blueberry Surprise, a real lip-smacker, and you can smack those lips at 3 bottles for only 10.99. Easy-open pop corks that are also biodegradable. Boy, THAT’s a surprise. And Mudlark Dom Perignon 2009 Gift Box, straight from the vineyards of Milford Valley, is sure to please that champagne-and-cheese crowd at the next family reunion or graduation party. We have it in stock for the jaw-dropping 219.99 and that includes the corkscrew, autographed by Yours Truly.  If you are short on funds, like I am sometimes, doggone it, it’s always a toss-up between Michelob Mini’s or my personal golf lessons, don’t worry. The Milford Liquor Warehouse takes all major credit cards. Why let The Good Life blow out your car window because you are strapped for cash? By the way, they also have shopping carts guarded by trained security so they don’t wind up in a ditch behind Milford Elementary. It doesn’t get any better than that. Come see the friendly staff at Milford Liquor Warehouse for all your Liquor needs, in the Milford Wal-Mart Shopping Center, right next to Luhm Electronics. And tell ’em Coach T. sent ya.”

“Let people say we’re in looovvveeee”

“OK, Peaches, then it’s settled. If you dump Curly, we can take advantage of that Mudlark Lake Resort special, you know, pay for 2 weeks, get 1 week free. I promise I’LL make the bed. Nobody but us and Mother Nature out there. Whattya say?”

Gang, fire away. I’m going over to Milford Liquor Warehouse to float a loan to Marty. He tried to buy that Dom Perignon for that outing with Peaches but the suspension evidently ruined his credit. He used to run up a tab there until he swore on the air. Now they won’t even extend him a Diet Coke in the Teetotling Cooler up front.

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4 Comments »

  1. Freckle boy is quite the card. And a mental bully. Golly, I didn’t even take geometry. But I know he’s a square. To continue from Saturday, yes Tdrew Gil is again in the running for Milford turd of the year.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — April 24, 2018 @ 12:09 pm

  2. Why are they wearing ballcaps in the gym? To keep the arc lights out of their eyes while they shag flies? The Secret would at least be forgiven for doing so as to keep his hair from his eyes yet that clearly wasn’t a successful attempt.

    Hey, you know who I’d like to know more with respect to their baseball skills? Aaaaaron Aaaaagaaaard, that’s who. What you were thinking of milquetoast Jorge and spicy Paloma? Wait, whaddaya mean I’m suspended for two weeks?

    Comment by timbuys — April 24, 2018 @ 1:49 pm

  3. Hey! I object to this geometry-shaming. I did ok at algebra, trig, and even introductory calc, but barely got out of geometry alive. But I guess the bigger question is whether Palooka is finally going to be the subject of a plot instead of an introductory distraction.

    Comment by vaganova — April 24, 2018 @ 2:34 pm

  4. Gang, another great day for comments. I was tempted to respond to each and every one of you but “Let the people speak” is a policy I live with because that’s how a democracy works. STILL, y’all done good, I laughed at all of entries because the scary thing is, you’re just telling the truth. The post was a success and you guys had EVERYTHING to do with it. Thanks to timbuys for his help, advice(which I gladly inhale), and PATIENCE. Listening to another John Coltrane album just capped the day(chasin’ the ‘Trane, baby). Let’s get the Boys of Summer out of the gym tomorrow.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — April 24, 2018 @ 9:27 pm


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