This Week in Milford

May 8, 2018

Give me 40 acres and I’ll turn this plot around


She’s back!!!!!! Marjie Ducie is back to prime the pump then, like any catalyst, disappears into thin air while the final product sputters to the finish line. Well this time, she learned some valuable pitching lessons that she can take back to her other dimension. Really, once she reaches the end of the Time Tunnel, she can race over to Yankee Stadium (hey, they love baseball in other dimensions too) and ply her trade. Yup, that changeup oughta complement her cut fastball, curve, and forkball. Keep ’em offstride, Marjie. Be sure those Ultra-dimension batters won’t know what’s comin’ next. Because once they got you timed, they start hittin’ ’em back in Gil’s World. Wise to add another pitch to your repertoire.

And I took algebra in high school. I barely remember the Transitive Property but still, who says you won’t need this stuff in real life? Without my caring teacher patiently explaining this principle, it’d be days before I’d put 2 & 2 together and come up with 5′ 8″. No wild guesses needed. I could patiently work through the problem and apply it to a real life scenario (hmmm, this is Thorpiverse, oh, just work with me). Thanks, Teach!!!!! You’ve equipped me to slay the dragons.

And what the hell does height differential have to do with what Pitch is being thrown which I wouldn’t be terribly surprised Thorpiverse is implying? Sure, impress us with your baseball knowledge, Thorpiverse, and hope to God we don’t put 2 & 2 together and come up with 5’8″ that it’s all smoke and mirrors. Okay, Gil, I’ll concede Mudlark Baseball is in real trouble if Van Auken attempts to pitch a knuckleball to a catcher who’s 3’5″. Passed balls all game long because this catcher had no vertical leap and Oakwood is up, 10-0, before the crow flies. So go ahead and wow us with height differential, Gil. Even if it really has nothing to do with your discussing the battery, we’ll play along. CYA, Coach.

Anyway, I’ve got some Dave Dudley on tap while Gil and Marjie sit at the bleachers going over late-game situations.

Ridin’ on this plotline

Trapped in a hamster’s cage

I feel like Dennis Weaver

Chased down by a psycho’s rage

Wish I could shake that truck right

Down the cliff and out of sight

6 months of this plot

and I’m-a gonna go berserk tonight

BTW, I realize, by my count, 6 months from now leads into November. 6 weeks might have been more realistic. But by the end of June, this plot is over(don’t hold your breath) and we have filler space to fill with what? More Marty time at the Milford Lounge? Nah, drag this one out ad astra and hope for the best. Maybe something’ll kick in and make sense and we’ll get off this Wheel and reach Nirvana. We’ll have overlapped to football by then.

Gang, I don’t know WHAT I did to deserve this. Do I need to change religions? Was it because I slept in and missed Sunday School last week? Put S & H Green Stamps in the offering plate? Used the F-word in the Benediction Prayer? Well, I’ll admit the last one probably explains why I’m hopelessly riding in this semi, not knowing who the driver is, the Hand of Fate having drawn a curtain between me and whoever’s behind the steering wheel. I’m stuck in this Freightliner headin’ down this endless black ribbon and I have no clue where the heck it’s going. And to add insult to injury, we’re recycling characters from the past (Moose, Daffy Duck, BB) as if regurgitating them will improve the product, or the plot. Oh, that’s right, dig that lamp you threw out on Trash Day from the Milford City Dump, take it home, put in the den, plug it in and see if it’ll help you read when you’re scoping the racing forms in order to bet on the winning horse. Kentucky Derby was founded on said principles.

Nice view of the Rocky Mountains, if nothing else. Is that Pike’s Peak?

Comin’ into Milford

Steering this plot into HellThe trailer’s runnin’ empty

And Daffy Duck’s not writing so well

The story’s bad and nobody cares

The Trumpet’s gettin’ itchy and scared

6 months of this plot

and I’m-a gonna lose my mind tonight

Here I am at the Milford Truck Stop. I heard the 3-Piece Fried Chicken Special is to die for. You get 2 breasts and a wing plus 2 sides and you don’t gotta worry about your Visa card maxing out. Omigod, Jay Bhatia wouldn’t show up at a greasy spoon and report my credit woes to The Trumpet, would he? Would he stoop that low? I did call the Milford Credit Bureau and got a forbearance for a couple of months, so there, Jay, print that in The Trumpet and smoke it. Anyway, drinks are extra. And I think I’ll have the breaded okra and macaroni & cheese. By God, breaded okra will put hair on your chest and help you swing the bat better. And all that grease from the chicken breasts? I think Moose applied a healthy dose to his hair. Otherwise, the rest was donated to the Milford Pantry.

Jay’s pumpin’ information

Trying to get the scoop of his life

Thank God he never caught wind

That Gil was cheatin’ on his wife

Hold the door and let this thing fly

Kiss off Barry Bader goodbye

6 months of this plot

and I’m-a gonna pull my hair tonight

Gang, since Marty’s been suspended, SOMEBODY has to take his place. I’ve been watching the Mudlarks on the portable TV in the cab while gettin’ my kicks on Route 66. I just heard Hawk Harrelson the other day:

“Daffy Duck, SHE GONE!!!!!!!! And after 6 innings, the  White Sox lead the Mudlarks, 7-1. We’ll take a commercial break, this is Chicago White Sox Baseball on WGN.”

“Coach Thorp was in disarray as to what diamond ring to buy Mimi before he got married. He was caught in the black market and all he got for his efforts was a swirlie. I was helpless to bail him out. Hi, I’m Sid Andrews, owner of the Milford Diamond Company. If my last name sounds familiar, yes, my brother is Tod Andrews, now coaching all the Oakwood teams, including the rowing team. And let me row you into something that will last a lifetime, a diamond with all the bells and whistles that tells that Special Someone “It’s forever, Love”. When I saw Gil trying to exchange his Marine Discharge Papers for a wedding ring at the Milford Pawn Shop, I threw him a lifeline and got him out to the shopping center parking lot. We put the Discharge Papers under the seat cushion in his car. Thank our lucky stars his Papers were not authorized by a Notary Public or the sale would be final and Gil would be stuck with a stone that got excavated out of Shaft #2 at the Milford Mines. Coal does not bode well at the wedding ceremony. “With this ring…” takes on an entirely different meaning. Fortunately, I showed Gil a wide selection of hand-crafted, sparkling diamonds in many carats and visual claritys, all designed to stay within a teacher-coach’s salary. The friendly staff at Milford Diamond Company knew that Gil hasn’t had a real job in 60 years and odds are, probably never will. Our staff was OK with that. Because they are not working on a commission, they didn’t have to tell Coach Thorp to get a life. A .29 carat, S12 visual clarity diamond ring was shipped FedEx right at Gil’s doorstep, several days before the wedding. Gil did not have to take out another loan and strain his credit plus his Discharge Papers are back in the safe deposit box at Milford Federal. We even paid for the shipping. Everybody was happy.

The Milford Diamond Company. Now Gil has a friend in the diamond business.”

We’re tryin’ to dodge the smokies

Marty’s learning on the job

No Class A license with him

My heart is really starting to throb

He took out an oil tanker rig

Can’t wait till he goes back to ‘DIG

6 days of Marty Moon

and I’m-a doubtin’ I’ll be home tonight

“Harrrrry Carrray, back in Wrigley Field, where the Cubsh are clinging to a 4-3 lead over the Mudlarksh, top of the 8th inning. Here’s Hiawatha Jamesh, the casher, who’s batting .319. Boy, keep thish cookie off the bashes. Say hello to Fred and Marge who are lishining in on KRNT in Des Moines, Iowa, lifelong Cubsh fansh for 35 yearsh. Theresh a pitch, high and away, 1-0.”

“Harry, an interesting stat on Hiawatha James, he hits left-handers a ton, batting .453, and .410 in the daytime. Steve Trout needs to be careful here, Hiawatha can turn on a pitch and with that wind blowing out, he can certainly send one out to Waveland Avenue in a hurry.”

“Boy, Steve, at least Marty didn’t have problemsh with cigar shmoke. Can you put that thing in your pocket? Only the plot shmellsh worsh.”

“Harry, you’re up to your 8th Bud now. How you can smell ANYTHING, let alone this plot, is beyond my comprehension.”

I’d like to put in a word for The Bookworm in Corydon, Indiana. Great people who keep my humor going because I buy a lot of books from them and those books feed me comedy ideas. Being a Western buff, they have an excellent selection of Louis L’Amour works. Hey, That keeps ME coming back for more. If you’re in the neighborhood, check them out. Believe me, it’s great to get some great stuff and people know your name. I’ve been a fan of small businesses forever because, let’s face it, gang, they make the Face of America. The Bookworm is certainly part of that Face.

Okay, gang, it’s your turn. I’m riding into St. Louis where the semi will stop at a terminal and unload this plot. That’ll take forever so I’m here in the Gateway Arch. I’ll be down the chute in about, oh, 3-4 hours if anything interesting develops. Uhhhhh, er, Busch Stadium looks terrific from here.

Arriving in St. Louis

Wishing for this thing to end

Things are getting hopeless

Nothing comin’ ’round the bend

Baseball plot is fixin’ to start

Hope it don’t stink up and fart

6 months of this plot

and I’m-a gonna jump the bridge tonight

Gang, are you in for a treat!!!!! With MAJOR help from timbuys, I just made this post even cheaper and gaudier with this video. Now the music buff in me, I will confess, likes the song and its singer, Dave Dudley. But if we’re burning this plot at the stake, I couldn’t think of a more honky-tonk tune to aid and abet in the cause. This plot’ll be reduced to ashes by midnight tonight, thanks to Mr. Dudley and his crew(gaunt-sounding background singers thrown in for free). And if you look closely, the ghostly looking tanker that was chasing Dennis Weaver all over Milford in the movie “Duel”(I believe Steven Spielberg’s 1st flick) is in this video. You guys have SKEWERED Coach T. and Co. all day. You deserve to be rewarded. Enjoy!!!!


  1. Ryan Van Auken was a southpaw last season. Unless Ryan’s become ambidextrous, Thing throwing the circle change there doesn’t belong to him.

    A 5’8″ catcher is no big deal except when the average American male is now 5’9″-plus.

    Hiawatha James is in electronics or was a Choctaw but may or may not have been inspired by Geronimo Allison.

    Comment by teenchy — May 8, 2018 @ 4:43 am

  2. Mfnrd seems oddly into male athlete’s measurements. 5’11” is the same height as Ron Guidry or Pedro Martinez.
    The only female athlete whose size even got mentioned was Kenzie Hanley.

    Comment by Downpuppy, w/cheez (@Downpuppy) — May 8, 2018 @ 6:14 am

  3. I seem to be both overweight & under average weight, according to the CDC stats for Americans over 20:

    Height in inches: 69.2
    Weight in pounds: 195.7

    Height in inches: 63.7
    Weight in pounds: 168.5

    Comment by Downpuppy, w/cheez (@Downpuppy) — May 8, 2018 @ 6:21 am

  4. Marjie’s not even pretending to take notes or record the interview. She’s had enough of this shit.

    Comment by John S. Walters — May 8, 2018 @ 6:33 am

  5. Hiawatha James, welcome to the Hall of Name… or perhaps a low-rent indie music festival.

    Comment by billytheskink — May 8, 2018 @ 7:24 am

  6. GT: I like how Auken “added” a changeup to his arsenal (that’s the grip for a circle change, for those keeping score at home) as if he didn’t have one before…. Traditionally, most power pitchers fall out of the cradle with a four-pitch repertoire, minimum… 1- Four-seam fastball, 2. Two-seam fastball or a cutter, 3. Some kind of changeup, 4. Breaking ball, commonly a slider or a 12-6 curve…

    GT 2: Leave it to the dumb newsblonde to ask the “hard-hitting” questions and for Gilberto to deliver a classic dumbassed reply…

    GT 3: So Barry Bader is no longer the resident Napoleonic complex “likes to fight” –guy? Only in Milford can they have a fucking 5’8 catcher and a 6’5, 260lb second baseman in Kevin “Quarterback Princess” Pelwecki

    Comment by hitorque — May 8, 2018 @ 8:17 am

  7. HEY! The Quarterback Princess was the great Helen Hunt.
    Who is blonde, like #8 today. And like Marjie Ducey, who has a microphone next to her knee. Unlike Ryan Van Auken, who has black hair, no microphone, no Emmys, and no Oscar.

    The B & W version today is a mess, but it’s a lot clearer in color.

    Comment by Downpuppy, w/cheez (@Downpuppy) — May 8, 2018 @ 9:22 am

  8. Lest we forget, Yogi Berra was 5’7″ and Roy Campanella was 5’9″ as is Pudge Rodriguez (he of the coffee fame).

    Comment by teenchy — May 8, 2018 @ 11:12 am

  9. He’s 5′ 11″…so? This is high school, you dipshit….not the fuckin’ pros

    Comment by franku2016 — May 8, 2018 @ 12:45 pm

  10. You can already tell he’s 5’11” in panel one, because there’s a clearly-marked height line right next to his eyebrow that says 5/8, and he looks to be about three inches taller than that.

    Comment by Moon Mullins — May 8, 2018 @ 1:15 pm

  11. Is Marjie actually planning to write a story about Ryan’s height? I don’t think she or Dafne could find anything interesting to write about if you tied it around their necks.

    Comment by Philip — May 8, 2018 @ 1:49 pm

  12. Leave it to Gil to sit on the bottom row. He knows the Milford Belushi’s can’t look up Marjie’s skirt on the bottom row, if she was wearing one. Do ‘em a solid, Gil! What a turd.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — May 8, 2018 @ 3:41 pm

  13. Gang, SUPER job with the comments today. Y’all KO’d Gil before the man knew what hit him. That’s the beauty of Free Speech. When the conversation flows, it’s amazing what can be said, especially in the name of comedy. Then you got some beautiful music going. Sounded like “Also Sprach Zarathustra” to me. Now let’s help timbuys pick up where we left off. The man has been VERY encouraging to me and has gone above and beyond the call of duty in assisting me in my Crucify Gil endeavors. Plus, do you want Gil coming back off the mat and pulling a Rocky? Didn’t think so. Let’s tag team with timbuys tomorrow and finish the job.
    Great job again, gang.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — May 8, 2018 @ 11:50 pm

  14. […] We get the classic name Hiawatha James and it’s the only one Whigham can’t write out? […]

    Pingback by You’re Out of Order, Bader! | This Week in Milford — May 10, 2018 @ 6:09 am

  15. […] around awhile, but as far as I can tell, our first look at him was just last spring when he was named catcher for the baseball team. We know he played defensive back last year. Gil named him as defensive back […]

    Pingback by Sealing The Deal | This Week in Milford — September 11, 2019 @ 3:12 am

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