This Week in Milford

May 15, 2018

Tales of Idiocy and Imagination

Filed under: actual action, softball, song parody — tdrewhardin @ 4:20 am


Daggone, THAT’S NOT the Alan Parsons Project album [Video removed. You can google it if you’re curious – TimP] was looking for. Why is Gil’s mug, ski-slope hair-do and all, on the front side? Aren’t they going to get in trouble for copyright violations? Well, until a lawsuit is filed in Milford Circuit Court, I’m sure the readership isn’t going to argue with the title, based upon how the plot is progressing(?) so far. Where the heck is that voice box coming from?  And what’s the deal with all this smoke? My goodness, how’d I get to the Milford Baseball Field? I think I’ll have a seat while I sort this out. Oh, my, is that voice box emanating out of one of Moose’s Louisville Slugger’s? Can someone turn that up? Yeah, just rub some more pine tar on it, there, that’s better LOUD AND CLEAR

And at the ballpark

where I am sitting

I heard him cursing at the score

Not really coaching

The plot approaching

A stasis here forevermore

In my amazement

Jay sailed through this one

He defied Moose and Bader’s sores

In spite of Coach Thorp

The team won the war

And we must hear forevermore

Thus quoth Gilberto


Thus quoth Gilberto


And so Gilberto

Remains the head coach

No matter how much we implore

No words of wisdom

No clear-cut system

And we must hear forevermore

Thus quoth Gilberto


Thus quoth Gilberto











Milford Glee Club and Milford Barbershop Quartet and Milford Philharmonic Orchestra and Milford Concert Chorale and Milford Chamber Singers all in unison, helping Ian Bairnson, David Paton, Eric Woolfson, Andrew Powell and the rest of the Project fading into a foregone conclusion.

And do we have a barnburner today. Lotta pitching and throwing with some great hitting and a slam or two. The fielding couldn’t come at a better time. Where would these Lady Mudlarks be without that one imporant element? Oh, the GAME? Did you think I was talking about THAT? No biggie, they won, 4-2.

I will NEVER get used to KRAK!!!!!!! No other comic strip, comic book, comic anything uses that sound. When Little Lotta threw some bully to the ground, it was a SPLAT or a WHAM but never KRAK!!!!!!!!!! Sergeant Snorkel beat up Beetle Bailey with a POW or a BAM. Never did Beetle Bailey wind up on the ground mangled in itty-bitty pieces as a result of a KRAK!!!!! Batman never beat the Joker to  a pulp or for that matter his dirty, grimy gang, y’know, the ones that uncorked the sewer lid and popped out of the manhole, with a KRAK.  And I know Thorpiverse will bail out and say they read it while looking up the word for Erectile Dysfunction in Langenscheidt’s Polynesian Dictionary. I’m sure there’s some monkeys in the Malaysian jungles that KRAK from tree to tree but here in America, we do everything at the CRACK of the bat. There’s no joy in Milford tonight. Mighty Casey has KRAKKED out.

A blood-curdling scream intro into the next song. Gang, I don’t know about you but Marty’s taking his suspension a little too personally.

You should have seen him

bitching and griping ’bout his lineup spot again


You should have seen us

Grinding our teeth in agony and hopeless painnnnnnnnn

And he’ll never get a cluuuueeeeee

He’ll keep acting like a shrewwwwwww

You should have SEEN HIM

Hacking and whiffing at the pitch with no results


You would have gone mad

Moose was a raging bull who swung with no control

And he never made contacccccttttt

Launched his bat without impaccccttttt

rumbling, rumblING, RUMBLING


Trying to get a story at her turn at bat



Even forgot to stick a helmet o’er her hat



I would like to thank the Oakwood High School Concert Orchestra for the extra violins and violas. They truly egged on the crescendo to the finish line. And the ensuing shrieking you hear at the end of the song was traced to the Mudlark bleacher section. Apparently they were attempting in vain to tell Daffy Duck that the umpire was barking “Batter Up!!!!!!”

Head in the game, DD.

“WE INTERRUPT PEYTON PLACE SO THAT WE MAY BRING YOU A SPECIAL BULLETIN!!!!!!!!! We’re here at CNN Studio because we understand an unusual phenomenon was transpiring at the Milford Softball Complex, an event that has the community in the throes of shock. Our own Marjie Ducie is on the scene. Marjie, what can you tell us about the situation.?”

“Fred, I’m standing here at 3rd base where activity was at a virtual standstill. That all changed when Daffy Duck belted a triple to rally the Lady Mudlarks to victory. There wasn’t any activity but it’s like the dugout exploded and caused a medium earthquake, one listed on the Richter Scale of 5.4. The epicenter was determined just beyond the reach of the left fielder, a few feet shy of the warning track. There wasn’t any major damage but the equipment shed collapsed. Officials are still trying to determine the cause. I’ll have more as this story develops. From Milford, this is Marjie Ducie, CNN News.”

“Thank you, Marjie. I’m not certainly not anticipating any more developments anytime soon but we’ll be on standby. Stay tuned, folks.”

And one more throw-in. I could make a case that the ball is going over the fence. Granted, if it DOES stay in play, it’s a triple. But as long as we’re doing  a remake of “The Last Picture Show” where the deadbeats talk about sex and relationships and OH THERE’S A GAME while the Newton left fielder has had her full ATTENTION to the game only to script one of the deadbeats to save the day after being at the gossip fence with Elviney and Loweezy, can we at least keep the trajectory believable? Otherwise, Kirk Gibson in the 1988 World Series hobbles around the bases, pumping his arms in a pulling-the-bow motion in celebration, all for nought, merely credited with a triple. We’d have to film-splice a World Series Moment. No sense in raining on Gibson’s parade. At least let him stand at 3rd base with those gimpy legs.

Gang, I don’t think we’re getting the full story on Marty. They say he’s still vegetating at the Milford Lounge. But we haven’t HEARD from Marty in quite some time. And he never came out of the Lounge. I wonder what’s up

Laid off at ‘DIG for 2 whole weeks or more

Wallowing in his self-pity galore

Unaware that Coach Thorp’s plotting his doom

In the Milford Lounge stinky bath room

Sitting and waiting on the black-seated john

He suddenly notices several chains on

His arms and his legs

Oh, Coach Thorp loves the fact that his enemy’s starting to beggggggg


I’m sorry for saying you can’t coach a doggggggg (I love it now, each brick I lay)

Bring back some mercy, I’m lost in a foggggggg (I love your life slipping away)

“Who laid these bricks in the entrance to the men’s room?”

“I dunno. Did you talk to the manager?”

“…and we’ll back after this message, the Milford Mudlarks coming from behind to win, 4-2. This is WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

Off the mike

“Not bad, Mr. Green Jeans. I’ll see if can get you on full-time.”

Marty, showing his Baby-Boomer age, is playing Chase’s “Get It On” from the sound system in one of the resort cabins at Mudlark Lake Resort

“Peaches, let’s hit the sheets. You know us men and our urges.”

“Ooohhhhh, Marty, say no more.”

Rips off overcoat, Milford Kohl’s price tag still on the sleeve, then negligee in full view.

Marty drops the Lee Jeans.

Peaches’ mental state is in disarray

“I dumped Curly for this?”

“Peaches, I’m harder than a Klondike Ice Cream Sandwich. Speak now or forever hold your hot flashes.”

“Marty, you haven’t risen past the halfway point. It wouldn’t even flare up to Mickey Mouse’s hand to ride Goofy’s Kiddie Coaster at Disney World.”

“Peaches, I can barely move, I’m so horny. You picked a fine time to get nit-picky.”

“Honey, you need a pencil sharpener more than sex. Thank God, there’s one in the kitchen by the sink.”

“C’mon, let’s get down to business and just pretend. Here comes Moby Dick and he’s gonna sink Captain Ahab’s ship.”

“Marty, the only way I go to bed with you now is if I get a tire pump out of the trunk. I bet I could inflate you up to 30PSI.”


“I’m a woman. I wouldn’t know. All I know is that Objet d’Art wouldn’t get a Participation Trophy at a 6th grade art fair.”

“Have you ever been in double jeopardy? That’s where I was a few weeks ago. I not only fumbled my job at WDIG but my dignity as well. I was determined to get both back. You see, I forfeited half my deposit that night and the algae in the lake swallowed up my dignity. Trust me, it’s no fun getting cussed out by the night manager, especially when he knew the reason. He suggested the Milford Men’s Clinic. He said they had treatment programs guaranteed to work. He also said that if they can’t make a Lincoln Log out of my Oscar Meyer Wiener, don’t bother coming back. He had a waiting list with plenty of firewood just itching to be burned.

I went to the Clinic. And was I amazed!!!! I couldn’t wait to tell Peaches I was ready to add a log to the fire. And you didn’t need Kingsfield Charcoal to get this fire going. Nope, no Matchlite Fluid or Zippo Lighters needed to fan the flames on this branch  of the oak tree. But don’t take my word for it. See how fun it is to get comfortably firm. They even have a money-back guarantee. You and your partner go to Magic Kingdom at Disney World the first night in bed and keep Huey, Dewey, and Louie out of the bed in the bargain, or the program costs nothing. What have you got to lose except your pants?”

…we’ll be stomaching Dr. Moose and Professor Baderrrrrrr.

Fundamentals they don’t know

Playing like it’s a sideshow

Their teammates pray that they part compannnyyyy

…good riddance to those Bozos

See the ball game in a new way…

That’s the wrong album!!!!!! It’s “Tales of MYSTERY and Imagination”. I didn’t think they could wrap all that cellophane around Gil’s pompadour. Just sayin’ Be that as it may, comment away. I’m going to enjoy “To One in Milford” as the plot heads off into the sunset. Maybe there’s a cliff nearby. And what are those wild white horses doing running the alleys of Milford? Just enjoy the song, T. Drew, and get your usual rush.

Behind Milford Foundry, while construction crews work on expansion of the building, Amontillado is excavated. The chains are removed from the skeleton. One crew member is said to have commented to his colleague

“Man, that dude had one funky beard.”

Fall of the House of Milford, indeed.



  1. I imagine the Railroaders were just plum tuckered out in the closing innings, due to that long bus ride from Kansas to wherever the heck Milford is.

    What are the odds this is the last time we’ll ever hear of Nancy Kaffer?

    Comment by John S. Walters — May 15, 2018 @ 5:24 am

  2. … Unless, that is, she starts dating Paul Beaudry or summat.

    Comment by John S. Walters — May 15, 2018 @ 5:24 am

  3. Rubin has solved his problematic inability to write meaningful dialogue for women by omitting it entirely. Not sure where that fits on the Bechdel spectrum but it can’t be good.

    Comment by timbuys — May 15, 2018 @ 6:27 am

  4. Release the KRAKken!

    Comment by billytheskink — May 15, 2018 @ 7:26 am

  5. Softball bats don’t look like that!

    Comment by hitorque — May 15, 2018 @ 9:21 am

  6. So with no Martin Martinez around anymore, who’s doing the “narration” of game action now??

    Comment by hitorque — May 15, 2018 @ 9:22 am

  7. I do like “krak” too, but given all high school softball uses metal bats, shouldn’t it really be “ping”?

    Comment by Moon Mullins — May 15, 2018 @ 10:23 am

  8. @hitorque: it’s the unique Milford 24″ bat

    Comment by franku2016 — May 15, 2018 @ 11:47 am

  9. Well, there’s a silver lining to all this: Mfnrd is the only place outside the American, National, Central, and Pacific leagues where the sound of a hit is right, without that goddamn “ping.”

    (For anyone whose attention has wandered, the Hiroshima Toyo Carp are leading in the Central League, and the Seibu Lions in the Pacific League. In the latter, one of the most wonderfully named teams in all of sports, the Nippon Ham Fighters, stand third. They’re divided too: the Pacific League has a DH rule, while the Central League does not.)

    Comment by vaganova — May 15, 2018 @ 1:20 pm

  10. Gah! Don’t get me started on the DH. When I used to hold strong opinions regarding baseball, I really was down on the DH. Now, I’m just down on arguing about it… :)

    Comment by timbuys — May 15, 2018 @ 4:06 pm

  11. I refuse to argue about it myself. I still think it’s a stupid idea, a sop to those who think baseball is “slow” (those who don’t understand the game, in other words) but it’s been in effect for 45 years in all but the National League and Japan’s Central League, and is not likely to change.

    Comment by vaganova — May 15, 2018 @ 4:21 pm

  12. I won’t argue about it. But I like the DH. It’d be different if a majority a pitchers at least TRIED to give an effort. But most attempts by pitchers to hit or bunt are pathetic. And then they are given a pass to not even hustle to first on a grounder. Don’t want to tire them out. I mean, they gotta throw 6 innings! Complete game? Gone by the wayside. There. I didn’t argue. Just vent. But mostly about handling pitchers with kid gloves.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — May 15, 2018 @ 8:07 pm

  13. Proud of ya, gang. Some great comments and even a little debate going on. As I told timbuys, when people are thinking, it’s gold to me. I probably better stay out of the DH debate as I have mixed emotions and the blog really couldn’t do justice to my formulating a coherent philosophy based on what I think. I WILL say that I once saw Gene Garber, of Atlanta Braves ’80’s fame, who had a Luis Tiant-like windup and basically threw a lot of underhanded junk(but effective junk), once make a rare appearance at the plate. Either because the Braves ran out of pinch-hitters or the game was winnable and taking him out with nobody warming up was unwise, he meekly stood in the batter’s box, holding the bat as if he had never seen one before. It was pitiful watching him overmatched. He had no batting skills whatsoever, I don’t think he EVER took batting practice, I mean, in the National League, you’d think the pitchers would take some because they’re gonna eventually have to bat. Because he didn’t pitch until the late innings, many save opportunities included, batting wasn’t really necessary. Safe to say that it was a mercy killing and that if he swung, he missed it by a mile.
    Okay. That’s as far as I’m going(ha). Again, y’all done good and let’s attack Gil tomorrow like he is Gene Garber. You got the ball in your hand on the mound.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — May 15, 2018 @ 9:34 pm

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