This Week in Milford

May 22, 2018

Violent Bader has struck again!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 4:29 am

052218

Acting like a cow’s ass

Yanked out by Coach Kaz

Arguing my life away

When will I grow up

My brain’s got the hiccups

My maturity is on display

Here, let me put my Violent Femmes record back in its jacket before I gripe. No sense spitting on vinyl. Okay, NOW, you mean to tell me that reruns happen in comic strips TOO???? We could have put today’s action in a random sequence 2 years ago in the baseball shenanigans and I bet if you weren’t paying attention, you wouldn’t have noticed it.

All right, keep an open mind, Mimi Thorp, at the tail end of the Girls Softball season, having won the Conference with an unblemished 2-0 record, in a random game, take your pick which one, in P1 (2 years ago, bear in mind) on Any Given Day

“Mr. Umpire, you are The Way, The Truth, and The Life, all Decisions are made perfectly and with the best intentions, no girl can’t go to the Umpire-in-Chief but through You and any girl ejected by You is automatically thrown to the alligators in Milford Swamp but isn’t that Infield Fly? A pop-up was hit by the batter that a fielder could catch with reasonable effort. Therefore the batter is automatically out and runners run at their own risk. I admit Daffy Duck shouldn’t have gone to the concession stand for a Slushee but she DID slide safely into 2nd base.”

P2 – “Fellow Way, The Truth, and The Life, you are ABSOLUTELY right. We made that a point of emphasis in this year’s rule book. Mimi, you know how to motivate your girls to play to their potential in this long 5-game season better than any of the Joe Blow or Jane Blow coaches that have coached against you for 60 years and I know you’ll have them prepared and in proper conditioning when the League expands the season by a game next year and-”

P3: “YOU REALLY SUCK, UMP!!!!!! I HAD MY MIDDLE TOE OF MY RIGHT FOOT ON THE BAG LONG BEFORE THE THROW GOT THERE!!!!!! DIDN’T THEY TEACH YOU METATARSALS AT THE RULES CLINIC? WHERE’D YOU GET YOUR LICENSE???? AT THE BUCKET?????”

“BADER, GET YOUR BUTT IN THE DUGOUT NOW BEFORE I SUSPEND YOU FROM THIS STRIP!!!!!!!!!!”

Okay, okay, so somebody might have noticed but not in the morning before the first cup of coffee. When they’re driving to work at the Milford Foundry, I’m sure the discrepancy would kick in. But by then, Thorpiverse has worked its magic. GOTCHA, Thorpiverse would say. Next time, don’t read Garfield first and you should be able to sift through each panel as if it were Pearls Before Swine. Take an extra cup of decaffeinated and Coach Thorp won’t be deciphered a la Prince Valiant. Make it easy on the eyes.

That Bader stare in P2 is golden. Not only is he honked because he’s not batting leadoff but now he’s getting an unwanted talking-to that is merely a diversion if you faithful fans have been keeping score. P3 is just BEGGING for a set-up job. I mean, we KNOW Bader is playing 2nd base, he will NOT be taking a dump in the Port-o-Let in left field when the Derby jerkoff runner is trying to send a message with his hard-nosed slide into 2nd base, where naturally, Bader will be waiting for the onslaught. After all these reruns, did anyone expect Bozo the Clown to sustain the impact?

“Next time, get out of the way, clown!!!!!!!”

Um, yeah.

Wait, just a second

I can’t find Second

It was here just a minute ago

Socks the Cat ate it

We gotta be creative

Don’t want the readers to know

Okay, gang, so I’m taking the Violent Bader concept a bit too far with that last stanza but WHERE THE HELL IS SECOND BASE IN P3????? Now, after taking a breathalyzer test and the dust has literally and figuratively settled, I THINK it’s that clump to the right of the runner barreling in on us. Gang, ya better take your 3-D glasses off or that Derby runner could be in your lap and then you’ll have popcorn all over the floor and Junior Mints stains on your Arrow sports shirt. Eat your Chuckles before Bader’s butt lands on your face. Man, THAT will get you drummed out of The Corps.

Oh, and we’re STILL trying to find 2nd base. Nothing like Han Solo to be firing on all cylinders and be just wasting his ammunition on some void near Cygnus X-1. And after all is said and done, if that clump just happens to be fresh cow manure… no, surely not.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Fan Arrested at Milford Baseball Game!!!!!!!!”

Sub headline

“Reported to be chasing a stray cat with a butcher knife near the bullpen.”

Down at The Bucket

We just say F— it

Forget about the game today

Order a milkshake

Wish they had Shake ‘n’ Bake

Frittering sports away

Socks the Cat eats at The Bucket. A finicky eater, normally prone to Purina Cat Chow Special Blend or to a hapless bird out of a bird bath, Socks can’t resist that good old-fashioned Bucket Burger, the Sandwich of Choice for the last 60 years. Made with 100% pure beef, made from the finest grain-fed Black Angus cattle direct from Circle M Ranch, a subsidiary of Milford Farms Inc., Socks will be the first to tell you that the Bucket Burger contains no hormones. That’s a sure-fire way for Socks to grow cat whiskers, nice and supple. And Socks can add CHEESE to the B-Burger. That’s right, 100% Grade A slices sure to add excitement and make Socks’ coat all that more shiny and new. And, boy, a slice of Monterey Jack is sure to cure Socks’ ED problems. If you see a litter of kitties in a garage somewhere, you have Sharp Cheddar on a Double B-Burger to thank for the endeavors.

Okay, gang, MARTY’S BACK!!!!!!!! And what better way to lose count over the days he was gone, yeah, I know, some of you bean counters marked an X with a highlighter on your Milford Janitorial Supply calendar, but the rest of us have gotten older and senile, ANYWAY, what better way to welcome back the Prodigal Son than with a 21-Gun Salute. Sung to “Gone Daddy Gone”

There he was in the bar

Brain was overrun from mental scars

CRYING AND PISSING IN HIS GLASS OF DEWARS

He was Gone Marty Gone

For many weeks

He was Gone Marty Gone

He couldn’t speak

Drank a hefty keg of Cutty Sark awaaaayyyy

Fired from ‘DIG for God knows when

It felt like Gil sent him to the Pen

THE DIRECTOR TOLD MARTY IT WAS FIVE TO TEN

He was Gone Marty Gone

The Parrot squawked baseball

He was Gone Marty Gone

The fans remained faithful

Still came to watch the ‘Larks get down and playyyyyyy

Anyone thinking Moon has changed

Won’t downsize Gil, they’re deranged

GO TO YOUR SHRINK AND GET REARRANGED

Cuz you’re Gone Daddy Gone

Read The Family Circus

You’re Gone Daddy Gone

Beyond a decent purpose

The Moon is back to bitch another daaayyyyyyyy

Fire when ready, gang. Socks the Cat and Marty are open game, not to mention the base or fertilizer in P3. Might wanna stick your toe out just to see which is which.

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12 Comments »

  1. So wait. Are we abandoning all the plot buildup of the last month or so, and spending the spring with Angry Bader? I guess we are. I just hope to God we’re not in for an “angry loner/potential school shooter” scenario.

    Comment by John S. Walters — May 22, 2018 @ 6:23 am

  2. Afraid it’s official. All the other possible lead-ins have vanished, and the spring plot is about Barely Bader. Damn. Tomorrow he will come up swinging, get ejected, and possibly take a swing at Dafne DeFoliant when she tries to interview him.

    Comment by vaganova — May 22, 2018 @ 8:17 am

  3. Gilberto Tharpe: Now it’s go time… Been two years since we’ve seen “Likes to Fight” Barry unleashed and I’m so ready!

    Gilberto Tharpe 2: FWIW, that play at first WAS close enough for Kaz to say something to the blues… THAT is how you protect your players, not by dragging them into the dugout by the scruff of their neck.

    Comment by hitorque — May 22, 2018 @ 10:19 am

  4. P2: “got it, you fuckin’ pipsqueak?…”

    Comment by franku2016 — May 22, 2018 @ 11:56 am

  5. I see the Russian bots have hit this post as well. For them I leave this message: Добро пожаловать в Милфорд, товарищи!

    Comment by teenchy — May 22, 2018 @ 1:06 pm

  6. @teenchy I marked them as spam over on the administrative dashboard thingamajig and it disappeared them. Hmm, that kind of stuff usually gets caught.

    In case other readers are wondering, you didn’t miss anything interesting. Just a half dozen spammy comments saying only: “What?”

    Comment by nedryerson — May 22, 2018 @ 1:25 pm

  7. Thanks Ned. I guess their mom and dad didn’t give them the proper attention growing up(ha). Sorry for the junk

    Comment by tdrewhardin — May 22, 2018 @ 1:27 pm

  8. @nedryerson Thanks. For those without Google Translate handy, my message reads “Welcome to Milford, comrades!”

    Comment by teenchy — May 22, 2018 @ 1:28 pm

  9. TimP translates Russian phrase then proceeds to scroll down the page to find he could’ve totally saved himself fifteen seconds of clicking.

    Comment by timbuys — May 22, 2018 @ 4:19 pm

  10. Gang, great day for comments. Whatever happened from this band of merry Russian men is evidently said and done to this point. Thanks to Ned for sending them back to their planet.
    Unidentified Sputniks aside, you guys rock. You made this thing work with your insights and observations. Let’s help timbuys rock Gil’s world on his watch. Thanks to timbuys for his help in setting up the video on my post today. The man has been a Godsend, trust me, through his assistance and advice.
    Now Gil is at Tombstone at high noon. I suggest you have your guns loaded.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — May 23, 2018 @ 5:45 am

  11. What? Oh yeah, I’m not a bot. Here’s a brawl from 1979 featuring my Cubs and the Phillies.

    Comment by robmize2013 — May 23, 2018 @ 8:00 pm

  12. […] Bader got nobody For friends Thinks second base is his and He don’t wanna yield You got to pick him up To get him off the field He got a little voice Goin’ yap, yap, yap All his teammates Are sick […]

    Pingback by Short Bader | This Week in Milford — June 7, 2018 @ 5:53 am


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