This Week in Milford

June 26, 2018

Hug Him and Kiss Him and Stab Him and Hurt Him, You Will Be Hisssssss

Filed under: Gil Thorp, song parody — tdrewhardin @ 2:24 pm


HAH!!!!!!!!! Caught you, gang. I slipped that double entendre right past you. Pay attention, classssss (Sister Mary Elephant that time, that didn’t count).

But it’s understandable. This plot DID stink up and fart and we are paying the price in Snoozeland. And I hope NOBODY was surprised that Daffy Duck was going to pull a fast one. She goes through all this trouble on what appeared to be a goodwill mission, gets the proper papers signed in triplicate, got everybody’s approval short of Steve Luhm and that was because he was out of town on vacation, playin’ the slots. The Assistant Floor Buffer signed his John Henry in Luhm’s stead. THEN she had to have gone to the Prison Board and again filed all the proper papers, no doubt having to convince them that she wasn’t up for parole. No, I’m just doing an article for my high school rag, er, newspaper. I’m not sorry for giving my father 40 whacks. Or my mother 41.

THEN, disguised with good intentions but anybody with any sense being able to see that Santa’s beard is made of cotton candy, she’s about to pull a fast one. I can hear the Dick Dastardly laugh now. Hee Hee Hee, if he thought I was going to write about his setting a record for the most license plates while in prison, boy, does he need to renew his subscription to the Milford Enquirer to refresh his memory.

I’m bracing myself to say this. Take that Folgers and 2 tranquilizers, T. Drew. Barry, watch your back side. WHEW!!!!!!!!!!! Gimme another cup, please. Ran out of Folgers? Is that Sanka still boiling in Kaz’s office?

You always wanted a highball

with an olive

And martinis straight from the tap

Now you wound up in prison

You deserve it

How am I going to get through?

How am I going to get through?

I talked for hours

and gave you power

Your paper’s crap

and I’m a sap

So what have I

What have I

What have I done to deserve this?

Since you went away

I’ve been wandering around

From press room to ball ground

Crappin’ the town

You went away

And you need a new razor

How am I going to get through (what have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this)

How am I going to get through (what have I, etc.)

And Daffy Duck, no. Nobody EVER accused you of being Barry’s pal, not in this century anyway. When George Washington was reading Gil Thorp in the Trenton Times, he never thought for ONE MOMENT that you were Fred and Barney. He had a lot on his mind before he crossed the Delaware but he had peace of mind that you weren’t lovey dovey, let alone buddy-buddy. No, Mr. Howell never wrote to the Letter to the Editor on Gilligan’s Island that his wife was sleeping with The Skipper. Just thought I’d clear that up, Daffy. It’s hard to imagine that Barry will be your Little Buddy after you sharpened your Ginsu knife and gave Papa Bader 42.

If yore request for an outhouse on the prison yard got approved after all the red tape that could stretch from Milford to Oakwood because yore homesick and the poophole is a good replica but not the real thang, ya might be a redneck.

And wasn’t Marcie teaching math several moons back? I can’t remember which plot, not that I care to walk in the manure to yank out the Jewel of the Nile, but Comrade Marcie Dern(read the Cyrillic alphabet on her door, silly) has the keys to Moose’s baseball prowess and Gil is sweating bullets, hoping to get Moose back on the diamond ASAP before the scout from the Mud Hens uses up his 4-days-and-3-nights special at the Milford Motel 6. “Oh, please, Marcie, if he can’t implement the proper launch angle for the Hartford Yard Goats, he’ll be a career sanitation engineer. And I’ve seen him ride one of those trucks with Luhm and he couldn’t ride a truck and chew gum at the same time.

“I think we can give him a break for Home Ec this time with the understanding that he’ll have to take classes to make up for those Betty Crocker recipes he flunked. He really botched coconut creme.  Somebody will have to show him how to practice on the temperature knob on the Amana range.”

You drank like a beaver

late one night

And now you sleep in a 6 x 9

with no lights

Guards don’t read bedtime stories

That just bites

How am I going to get through?

How am I going to get through?

I piss in pots

My brain is snot

I use cologne

For my gallstones

So what have I

What have I

What have I done to deserve this?

Since I went away

I just carved up your back

Didn’t cut you no slack

As a matter of fact

I went awayyyyy

To rip you a new one

How am I going to get through(What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this)

How am I going to get through(What have I, wh-)

“GIL!!!!!! GIL!!!!!!!!!! WAKE UP!!!!!!!!! Are you okay?

“Whew!!!!!!! That was a nightmare!!!!!!!!! I dreamed I spent Purgatory eternally in Studio 3 with Marty Moon!!!!!!”

“And this is Marty Moon, reporting from Hell, where I am doing an eternal interview with Coach T. I’m lickin’ my chops that he can’t duck out to his office when I ask him why he didn’t play Josh Sterling in the 4th quarter of the playdowns. He was taking a knee to pray, Coach. And we’ll be right back after this time out. You’re listening live from Hell on WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.

Late one night at Dr. Pearl’s home in the posh neighborhood of Milford Chase(next door to the stately manor of millionaire Bruce Wayne)

“Squiggly-Wiggly, Baby Bumpers, I found my bikini in the attic. You know, the one I wore at the high school dance when The Ventures played at Mudlark Lake.”

Mr. Dr. Pearl is in no mood for discussing intimacy, heavily entrenched in Tolstoy after a long day as a chemical engineer at Milford Dow Chemical. But he does his best to play along.

“Honey, Mudlark Lake was just a pisshole. I don’t remember The Ventures playing at a kiddie swimming pool.”

“Wrong, wrong, wrong, Peachy Plum. The Milford Contracting & Bulldozing Enterprises, Inc. built the lake right about when they hired Coach Thorp, fresh from the Marines. I had him in Strategies for Kickball when I was a freshman and that’s all I talked about was the dance when the lake was about to do its Grand Opening. You and I were cuttin’ it loose to ‘Walk, Don’t Run’.”

MDP, trapped in his own foggy memory, trying to stall any inevitable physical contact with Granny from The Beverly Hillbillies, grasps for straws

“All right, all right, you are correct. We were having the time of our lives and I remember how you SHOOK THAT THANG before The Rolling Stones made that a popular concept. I think I still have ‘Exile on Main Street’ next to the Breeze towel autographed by Porter Waggoner in the den.”

Then the inevitable. “Sweetie Pumpkin Doodles, how do I look?”

It is clear that DP is not fighting fair, especially when it still fits her to a T. Granny drank lots of possum juice and Ultra Slim-Fast over the decades. A chocolate shake for breakfast and one for lunch, then a sensible dinner of chicken gizzards and MDP is in a quandary. Still on page 738 of Anna Karenina, MDP finally relents, weakly looks up

“You look fine” trying to conceal THE PROBLEM

“Oh, Ginger Bread Man, you’re not even looking.”

“I’m sorry, Little Miss Muffett, I’m so caught up in the violence. They’re about to stage Gunfight at OK Corral.”

“Honey Bumpkin Lumps, Tolstoy didn’t write Westerns.”

“Well, Little Raggedy Ann, some of the Russians hid in the men’s room on the Mayflower and took Horace Greeley’s advice to GO WEST.”

“Apples, Peaches, Pumpkin Pie, why don’t we GO WEST and do a little WIPING OUT of our own in the bedroom?”

“When the story’s getting good? When there’s finally a shoot-em-up scene on page 1,138? When Dirty Harry is about to smoke out these Russian thugs at the Moskva Steak ‘n’ Shake where Anna goes for breakfast? I can’t wait to arrive at the part where Peer Gynt has a gun pointed at Anna’s head and Dirty Harry points his Magnum at Peer Gynt and says “Go ahead. Make my day.”

“Oogie-doogie, Lollipop Lovey-Dovey, wasn’t Peer Gynt Norwegian?”

“Weellll, bluh, bluh, they’re both north of the Equator. Same difference. Both get snow in the Winter.”

“Oh, Mammy’s Boy made of Aunt Jemima, is your little whim whim turning into a beanie-weenie?”

(Standing up, hoping she doesn’t notice the lack of a boner, replaced by the squishy banana) “Now you stop that talk this instant!!!! I do not need to be Dirty Harry or Ivan the Terrible to get me aroused!!!!!! I can pump my own Bridgestones!!!!!! I’m a guy, you know. And that centerfold of Anna Karenina on page 978 got me as erect as a fire hydrant.”

“Then drop your pants, peenie-pie.”

“What could I say? I was trapped. I could say that the zipper was stuck but I had sweat pants on. I knew Anna and her soulmates couldn’t lapdance this Lazarus of a phallic symbol. It was time to head to Milford Men’s Clinic and own up to the problem.

And I’m glad I did. With treatment programs that work without having to swallow Flintstones Chewables for a decent erection. Me and Minnie Pearl are headin’ to the Grand Ole Opry and all she’s gotta do is remove BOTH the bikini and the price tag. It’s hard to kiss when that damn thing’s in the way.”

Fire away, gang. If you don’t mind, I gotta pull out a few knives from my back. Man, Heather has a good eye. She must have hit the batting cages again.



  1. So, we’re back to this again, are we? The notion that there is a publishable story behind Dafne’s obsession with the the repulsive Baders.

    I am much more interested in the idea that Gil may end up motivating Palooka to focus on schoolwork instead of the unlikely baseball scholarship (“No cribbage tonight for me, Ryan– I’m studying to become a Licensed Vacuum Cleaner repairman!”)

    Comment by vaganova — June 26, 2018 @ 2:40 pm

  2. Coyness about grades with a coach & teacher? Seems wrong.

    Comment by Downpuppy, Lord of the Files (@Downpuppy) — June 26, 2018 @ 3:48 pm

  3. One week of school left ( maybe) and now Gil and the guidance counselor are concerned that Moose has a Mr. Blutowski GPA; 0.0.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — June 26, 2018 @ 4:21 pm

  4. By all the Unbreakable Laws of Narrative, Pelwecki is a Secret Honors Student.

    Comment by Downpuppy, Lord of the Files (@Downpuppy) — June 26, 2018 @ 4:24 pm

  5. Counselor: “He’s actually kind of a math genius”.
    Gil: “What does that do to his eligibility?”
    Counselor: “He just published a paper on what Tannaka dualities mean to Hopf algebroids”.
    Gil: “But is he still eligible?”
    Counselor: “MIT wants him to teach”.
    Gil: “You won’t answer my question! Is he still eligible?”

    Comment by Philip — June 26, 2018 @ 5:18 pm

  6. I wonder if Counselor Dern is related to Laura Dern; they both have that same long skinny nose.

    Comment by Moon Mullins — June 26, 2018 @ 5:20 pm

  7. Finally the truth is revealed: Gil Thorp, builder of character; Gil Thorp, molder of young minds; Gil Thorp, pillar of integrity is just as concerned with the well-being of his charges as the most corrupt loud-sportcoat-wearin’ good ole boy Ball Coach. “As long as they’re eligible, you know what I say: Grades, schmades!”

    The next step is to call his buddy the police chief to get his star player’s arrest record wiped clean.

    Comment by jvwalt — June 26, 2018 @ 8:13 pm

  8. tdrew: Is this a parody of Dusty Springfield’s “Wishin’ and Hopin'” or the Looney Tunes Abominable Snowman who will will name him George and hug him and pet him and squeeze him and pat him and pet him?

    You’ve read the Trenton Times? I don’t think it runs Gil these days. Maybe it appeared under the fold back then, below the headline “Hessians Plan Fröhliche Weihnachten Beer Bash at Barracks.”

    Comment by teenchy — June 26, 2018 @ 8:43 pm

  9. Gang, SUPER, and I mean, SUPER day for comments. I just laughed my mortal ass off on each and every one of them. Teenchy, I’m glad you posed the question because I was leaning more towards the former but I forgot about the latter and that would work just as well. LOVED your headline. I had to move away from the computer, I was laughing so hard.
    Gang, you ALL did me well. You were provocative and funny, not to mention on the mark and punctured Gil’s balloon on his stance on academics. Suddenly, he’s looking like a Vince Lombardi reincarnation “Winning isn’t everything, it’s the ONLY thing. You people caught it and threw that concept around like a rag doll. Gil is looking over his shoulder.
    Gang, you ROCK.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — June 27, 2018 @ 10:49 am

  10. […] Addison “Boo, But Not the Boo from To Kill A Mockingbird” Radley (b) no one, not even Counselor Dern, has suggested Barry get help or talk to someone except as a means to generate a lede, and (iii) […]

    Pingback by Rough Expectations | This Week in Milford — July 7, 2018 @ 8:36 pm

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