This Week in Milford

July 31, 2018

Gil, Sometimes You Just Don’t Come Through

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 4:11 pm

 

 

“Never was a Cornflake Girl” bom bom ba bom bom

Daffy Duck in the shower, banging the Lava-With Pumice soap on the wall

“Thought that was a good solution” bom bom ba bom bom

About to reach a crescendo while she encounters the Repeat cycle of her Vidal Sassoon Cherry Blossom Sensation Shampoo

“YOU BET YOUR LIFE IT IS

YOU BET YOUR LIFE IT IS”

The neighborhood dogs wailing, thinking the Milford Fire Department is answering a 3-alarm fire

“Oh, you bet your liiifffffeeeee it’s

using the shower head as a mike, water flow splashing the shower curtain, getting Pluto from the Disney design all wet

“PEEL-OUT-THE-WATCHWORD

JUST-PEEL-OUT-THE WATCHWORD”

Gang, I warned you. I live and die for Tori Amos. Her music is electrifying. It’s a bonus when I can crucify the deadwood in the forest.

 

Gang, it is hard for me not to imagine Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny, each toting their own Titleist golf bags, and Elmer telling Bugs “Shhhhh. Be vewy, vewy quiet, Bugs. The caddies are sweeping.”

And sweeping in their own Hooverville condo at that. They should have enough corrugated iron to keep the rain out. And as long as we’re going to be subjected to a month of pointless filler before the football season starts in(not holding my breath) September, WHO ARE THESE GUYS?????? Don’t throw names at us like they’re regulars on Looney Tunes and expect to know their Social Security Number or the flavor of Bubble-Yum they chew by the end of the month. When you read the intro to “A Midsummer’s Night’s Dream”, you’ll find Nick Bottom’s name or Puck’s name and a little background info. All we need. Otherwise, if I’m a caddy in my hovel watching some 4-foot imp with pointed ears and a gentleman with a horse’s head(before Oberon removes the spell) carrying golf clubs in a driving rain about to tee off at dog leg left #8, par 5, I’m checking the contents of my cup.

 

The Milford Clay Oven delivery truck(“The Taste of the Himalayas delivered to Mudlarkland’s doorstep”) is caught behind a Domino’s Pizza delivery vehicle in the parking lot of the Milford High School ball diamond where the Mudlarks are taking on Oakwood. Recognizing that the Freightliner box truck is bigger than the ’84 Vega with the Domino’s crown on top, the rider with the Chicken Pakori plus the Child’s Menu of Sour Mangoes and Chicken McNuggets(to feed Gil’s kids, natch) tells the driver in Bengali,

“Hell, shove it out of the way. You’re bigger.”

Though the driver understands Bengali but prefers to speak his native Punjabi, he responds

“I CANNOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My brother owns a Domino’s franchise in Mumbai and they would drag me back to New Delhi for a lawsuit!!!!!!!!!! I have too much invested here in Milford. My son is working with Heather Burns to learn how to be a tight end.”

“And my son is set to break Moose’s record for homers the way he played on the JV squad”, still clinging stubbornly to his Bengali tongue, “and we are going to get fired if we don’t get this Pakori and this Basmati Rice, not to mention the kids’ food delivered to Coach Thorp and make it back to deliver that Lamb Vindaloo with Madras Coconut Sauce to Dr. Pearl’s house by 7:30 for her annual Principal’s Convention. And Mr. Dr. Pearl likes his Fish Tikka Masala PRONTO!!!!!!!!”

William Gagel, thanks to your idea, I found a way to make it work. I hope things are going well at your job. You da Man.

 

 

And are going to go through another JaQuan Case and his faithful companion Tonto feel good story, a plot that weaved an intricate pattern and succumbed to a Flintstones corny happy ending? If JaQuan could laugh like Fred at the end of the episode to signify that all is well after all in Bedrock or Milford(same difference in certain cases), then OK, let’s see what Wilson Casey and Tony Paul have to offer. We think it’s safe to say that Heather Burns is not in her poncho behind the row of sugar maple trees about to offer advice on how to how to keep the club head level with the ball, a concept she discovered one day while negotiating the windmill at Putt-Putt. Otherwise, is Masterpiece Theater still on PBS?

 

 

Gil, sometimes you just don’t come through

Gil, sometimes you just don’t come through

Do you need a rough draft to pull you through

Gil, sometimes even the rewrite’s screwed

 

In response to a survey by Meijer where the choices for the question “Were you satisfied with your visit?” were “Yes”, “No”, and “Neutral”

“Today on Crossfire, we have Tom Braden on the Left and Robert Novak on the Right. Our guests today are Rick Scott and Marty Moon.”

Good evening, I’m Tom Braden. Today we examine the question ‘Does the government have a right to take a neutral stance in relation to poor customer service at the Milford Wal-Mart?’ When you get cussed out by the cashier when buying a 36-roll Great Value Toilet Paper, should the government look the other way and answer “Neutral” or should it put its foot down and answer “No”, thereby bringing some normalcy to customer service, not to mention winning a chance at a $1000 Gift Card when dialing the toll free number and entering the promo code? Marty Moon takes the stance that a government is best which governs least while Rick Scott posits that it’s the responsibility of the government to get off the fence and intervene where poor customer service is involved. And Marty, are you saying you’d let Milford Wal-Mart dress down, figuratively, you understand, Peaches when she’s brutally attacked?”

“Tom, there’s no way I’m gonna let Big Brother come in and say that Milford Wal-Mart should apologize when they get snarly at Peaches when buying lingerie, and furthe-“

“Marty, I wouldn’t want my wife getting chewed out by the Dairy associate when she’s purchasing Cross-Your-Heart Bras-“

“Aw, c’mon, Rick, is the government going to come in and play umpire for ALL your purchases? When you buy Jennie-O’s Organic Chicken? GE 75-Watt Soft-Bulb Strobe Light Fuschia? Snickers?”

“Look, Robert, Milford Wal-Mart is just as accountable as The Bucket. I assume you’ve seen those ‘A’ Ratings in their window as I did when Harry Reasoner and I stopped in last week for their Turkey Bucket Burger Combo with Curly Fries. Otherwise, without government intervention, you’d have roaches feasting on the Bucket Blast Banana Split, cherry included.”

“I disagree. The Bucket has been around for 60 years and has never had a violation. I should know. Just last week, I reported a police raid on WDIG, reluctantly given my argument in this case, at the Milford Sports Pub. The TV’s had a couple of shorts in the wire and the Coors Lite was reportedly drawn from the nearby creek. I’ve not had one roach in the Bucket Tenderloin even if it’s a sorry-ass excuse for a sandwich-“

“Marty, it’s plain and simple. You may like The Bucket but if I find so much as a fire ant on Bucket Brain Sandwich, I’m calling the Milford Health Department.”

“Rick, do you really want the government to punch ‘No’, thereby coming into The Bucket or Milford Wal-Mart and shut down the place? Unlike my counterpart over there, I wouldn’t touch the venue with a Joe Sharkey bat but I don’t want a S.W.A.T. team at the Milford DQ throwing tear gas because the clerk failed to flip the Oreo Blizzard.”

“Robert, I found the Bucket Filet Mignon to be quite edible. It came from a cow. And the Milford USDA ensured that no ostrich meat was smuggled into Milford.”

“And Rick, if you can’t handle a cart pusher when he refuses to push your cart of 10-lb. bag of mulch out to the car, I don’t wonder why you couldn’t put a Band-Aid on a skinned knee from the artificial turf-“

“Well, at least I didn’t get suspended-“

“And your mother shops at Goodwill Thrift Shoppe-“

“We’re talking government intervention at Milford Wal-Mart, not impulse buying which Peaches was guilty of when she bought those Del Monte Stewed toma-“

“Gentlemen, gentlemen, I’m afraid we’re out of time. We’ll be right back after these messages.”

 

Baseball is over and we’ve still one month

Then football will come and drag for 6 months

Meanwhile, we’re desperate for something to do

Thank God for golf, it helps fill up the view

 

Can’t stop what’s coming

Can’t stop the golf plooo-ooooo-tttttttt

 

If ya take yore fishing boat that ya normally use to angle for crappies and trout and turn it into a golf cart, then git fined by the county sheriff $100 and court costs for illegal conversion, ya might be a redneck.

 

“HAVE A HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS

IT’S THE BEST TIME OF THE YEAR

I DON’T KNOW IF THERE’LL BE SNOW

BUT HAVE A CUP OF CHEER

 

HAVE A HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS

AND WHEN YOU WALK DOWN THE STREET

SAY HELLO TO FRIENDS YOU KNOW

AND EVERYONE YOU MEET

 

OH, HO, THE MISTLETOE

IS HUNG WHERE YOU CAN SEE

SOMEBODY WAITS FOR YOU

KISS HER ONCE FOR ME

 

“…OH, BY GOLLY, HAVE A HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS

THIS YEARRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Later, in the elves workshop, close to the assembly line

“Herbie!!!!! That line’s got another jam!!!!!!! Aw, shucks, we’ll never get the Valentine’s Day candy out by tomorrow!!!!!!!!!

 

And I don’t care what Thorpiverse says, having my watched my high school play golf for SEVERAL years with a State Championship in Boys Golf and 3 State Championships in Girls Golf, NOBODY

but NOBODY with any sense in their head plays or practices or putts IN THE RAIN or DIRECTLY AFTER THE RAIN or CARRYS THEIR DAMN BAG IN THE RAIN. Whew!!!!!!! I need to get out more. Heck, I’ll put Tori Amos’ “Under The Pink” on rewind. Lord knows, I’ve peppered her album throughout this post. LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“I just think the government should punch ‘Neutral’ when the door greet pulls out a switchblade.”

“We have a difference of opinion on that, Bob. You’re going to have the Jets fighting the Sharks in the middle of the Lawn & Garden Department. BTW, you need to try the Bucket BLT Supreme. The bacon is 100% sanitized.”

“I dunno, I really don’t want Raid sprayed on my tomatoes. It leaves a bad aftertaste in my mouth. And that’ll do it for this segment of ‘Crossfire’. I’m Robert Novak from the Right.”

“And I’m Tom Braden from the Left. So long.”

Portions of this manuscript can be obtained by writing to this address

Ms. Rizk

c/o Journalism Department, Room 251

P.O. Box 7511

Milford USA

 

Comment away, gang. I’ll be in the Hooverville shack drinking Swiss Miss with the rest of the caddies.

 

sotto voce voice HERBIE DOESN’T LIKE TO MAKE VALENTINE CANDY

Stevie Wonder voice HERBIE DOESN’T LIKE TO MAKE VALENTINE CANDY

Mr. Moose voice HERBIE DOESN’T LIKE TO MAKE VALENTINE CANDY

Vlod Dracula voice HERBIE DOESN’T LIKE TO MAKE VALENTINE CANDY

Buschhhhhh Beer voice HERBIE DOESN’T LIKE TO MAKE VALENTINE CANDY

Hoyt Axton voice HERBIE DOESN’T LIKE TO MAKE VALENTINE CANDY

 

I CAN’T HELP IT I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A DENTIST. AND YOU BETTER STOP EATING THOSE CHOCOLATE TRUFFLES OR YOUR TEETH WILL ROT LIKE THE LAST PLOT!!!!!!!!!!

Advertisements

6 Comments »

  1. Love the towel on the bag in P3 – its soaked. What the hell good is a wet towel? Such a stupid plot – riding bikes in the rain with golf bags on your shoulder. I dont know 1 caddie these days who does that.

    Comment by robmize2013 — July 31, 2018 @ 9:01 pm

  2. A caddyshack? In the rain? So my Monday comment was right! Still wanna know which one’s the Bishop and which is Carl.

    Comment by teenchy — August 1, 2018 @ 4:29 am

  3. This posting don[‘t make no sense !

    ________________________________

    Comment by Howard S Sample — August 1, 2018 @ 11:01 am

  4. 5 kajillion points to T. Drew for the Tori Amos songs.

    Comment by lauramac — August 1, 2018 @ 5:10 pm

  5. Gang, thanks for your comments. Y’all done good again. You make democracy work by your contributions and make me proud to be an American.
    Thank you, lauramac,for your kind acknowledgement. I just live for her music. One day, driving for my dad for his business, I was jammin’ on “American Doll Posse” while scootin’ across Illinois on I-64, the last song done just before I crossed the Wabash River over into Indiana. Man, I’m still livin’ off that rush. People like you keep that rush alive.
    Gang, thanks again for your comments. They keep America free.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — August 2, 2018 @ 2:12 pm

  6. […] on the links, must scramble for the Juniors, Who must keep on working, practice in the rain? And who just plays golf, no soccer anymore, To shave their final score a stroke? The golfers, teen […]

    Pingback by Tradition! | This Week in Milford — August 30, 2018 @ 5:45 am


RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: